Mannequin
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2006
- Messages
- 1,733
Thank you so very much for all of your posts. Throughout this time, I have found an amazing outpouring of support both here on Pricescope and in my friends, family, and coworkers. I am so grateful for the stories, the advice, everything. Thank you...
I talked to his family last night. Though I wasn''t sure if I would find allies or opposition there, I felt I owed it to his mother and grandmother to tell them why I broke the engagement and what I was seeing, and I wanted to know wht he has been telling them. They were bordering on hostile when I first walked in, but as I explained how this poor guy has been and what has been going on on the front lines every single day in our relationship, they stopped bristling up and began to listen.
His mother feels EXACTLY the same way that I do about things right now - he''s not ready to get married, he needs to grow up, he needs to seek intensive help for some personal issues, his medicine is not addressing the problems at hand, etc. She said that he mentioned hating his dad and all the criticism he used to endure from him in a recent conversation and he has never said that to her before. I find myself wondering if the scrutiny he seems to be experiencing at this job makes these old feelings from childhood surface and boil over into this inner turmoil he has himself in. He''s gone so deep within himself that he can only see the negative in anything he does on the job or in his personal life. He''s so scared of failure and rejection to the point that he''s making himself into a basketcase. She and I both agree that he is not the same person he used to be right now.
According to his mother, he''s been tying our relationship to the job and agonizing over leaving it because he feels he would lose me at the same time. Even she said that it did not sound like me to issue such an ultimatum to him, and I haven''t. I think that by expressing my need to feel security and my apprehension over him leaving the current job without something else lined up for later, I''ve inadvertantly given him a message that has twisted into "lose job, lose girl". I know that if he did in fact lose me, he''d be inconsolable, possibly dangerously so. He had wanted to postpone the wedding, but I completely called everything off. I explained to his mom that I broke the engagement not because I didn''t love him, but because I didn''t want that wedding or even the commitment to marry to be an excuse or hindrance to him getting what he needs mentally/physically/emotionally right now. I wouldn''t have gone to see her and the rest of his family if I didn''t love him and want to help him. I know he still loves and wants me, he didn''t want the ring back and he''s been looking at me with this pained combination of love and fear of losing me on his face. Hearing the story from my perspective was good for them. I was able to leave on good terms with them, and we may try to sit down with him in a day or two and talk to him together to see what he feels needs to happen next.
I left his family''s house and went to mine. My parents have been together over 25 years, a relationship which no one gave a snowball''s chance in hell when they got married, and yet they are one of the most happy, stable couples I have ever met or could hope to meet. I talked with them and they agreed with much of what his mother and I had discussed. They absolutely 100% back the decision to cancel the wedding, as they care about him and want him to find what he needs to become better. As my mom put it, we''d had nearly five great years, of him treating me very well and us being a very happy couple, and six months or so that were miserable, and the odds are good that there would be more good times to come without his current job in the picture. Since he has some savings and could afford to quit and look for something more fulfilling, they feel he should do it. I think that it may be all he needs to hear from me, that it''s okay to leave the job and that I will still love him afterwards. That could make a huge difference for him in how he approaches things next. They understand that I need a little space right now, mentally and physically, as much as he does because I''ve been exhausting myself being a counselor to him every day. He is able to help with rent even if he is not there for a little while, so I don''t have to break another lease or move suddenly since he can do this as he stays with his folks, and my folks were happy to hear this as they were worried about my living situation. I was glad for the chance to talk to them, and it felt so good to know that my parents are with me in any decision I choose to make right now.
I did call him briefly after heading home from my folks'' place. He had been at a therapy session earlier in the evening. I explained to him how I''d been to see our families, and that they all agreed that a few days apart right now would be best just to give us both a mental rest from facing this constantly. I told him that I still loved him, and that if he felt he needed to leave the job, then I would support him in his decision and help him find what he needs. He seemed so relieved to hear that, as he''s not quit yet and has anguished over that for two days now. We said good night and hung up. I am willing to adopt a wait and see approach right now, as I don''t want to give up on him totally just yet. Whether we go back to dating and courting at square one or not, I am not sure yet. I want to talk to him in another day or so and get his thoughts on what he wants to do next. Updates to follow...
I talked to his family last night. Though I wasn''t sure if I would find allies or opposition there, I felt I owed it to his mother and grandmother to tell them why I broke the engagement and what I was seeing, and I wanted to know wht he has been telling them. They were bordering on hostile when I first walked in, but as I explained how this poor guy has been and what has been going on on the front lines every single day in our relationship, they stopped bristling up and began to listen.
His mother feels EXACTLY the same way that I do about things right now - he''s not ready to get married, he needs to grow up, he needs to seek intensive help for some personal issues, his medicine is not addressing the problems at hand, etc. She said that he mentioned hating his dad and all the criticism he used to endure from him in a recent conversation and he has never said that to her before. I find myself wondering if the scrutiny he seems to be experiencing at this job makes these old feelings from childhood surface and boil over into this inner turmoil he has himself in. He''s gone so deep within himself that he can only see the negative in anything he does on the job or in his personal life. He''s so scared of failure and rejection to the point that he''s making himself into a basketcase. She and I both agree that he is not the same person he used to be right now.
According to his mother, he''s been tying our relationship to the job and agonizing over leaving it because he feels he would lose me at the same time. Even she said that it did not sound like me to issue such an ultimatum to him, and I haven''t. I think that by expressing my need to feel security and my apprehension over him leaving the current job without something else lined up for later, I''ve inadvertantly given him a message that has twisted into "lose job, lose girl". I know that if he did in fact lose me, he''d be inconsolable, possibly dangerously so. He had wanted to postpone the wedding, but I completely called everything off. I explained to his mom that I broke the engagement not because I didn''t love him, but because I didn''t want that wedding or even the commitment to marry to be an excuse or hindrance to him getting what he needs mentally/physically/emotionally right now. I wouldn''t have gone to see her and the rest of his family if I didn''t love him and want to help him. I know he still loves and wants me, he didn''t want the ring back and he''s been looking at me with this pained combination of love and fear of losing me on his face. Hearing the story from my perspective was good for them. I was able to leave on good terms with them, and we may try to sit down with him in a day or two and talk to him together to see what he feels needs to happen next.
I left his family''s house and went to mine. My parents have been together over 25 years, a relationship which no one gave a snowball''s chance in hell when they got married, and yet they are one of the most happy, stable couples I have ever met or could hope to meet. I talked with them and they agreed with much of what his mother and I had discussed. They absolutely 100% back the decision to cancel the wedding, as they care about him and want him to find what he needs to become better. As my mom put it, we''d had nearly five great years, of him treating me very well and us being a very happy couple, and six months or so that were miserable, and the odds are good that there would be more good times to come without his current job in the picture. Since he has some savings and could afford to quit and look for something more fulfilling, they feel he should do it. I think that it may be all he needs to hear from me, that it''s okay to leave the job and that I will still love him afterwards. That could make a huge difference for him in how he approaches things next. They understand that I need a little space right now, mentally and physically, as much as he does because I''ve been exhausting myself being a counselor to him every day. He is able to help with rent even if he is not there for a little while, so I don''t have to break another lease or move suddenly since he can do this as he stays with his folks, and my folks were happy to hear this as they were worried about my living situation. I was glad for the chance to talk to them, and it felt so good to know that my parents are with me in any decision I choose to make right now.
I did call him briefly after heading home from my folks'' place. He had been at a therapy session earlier in the evening. I explained to him how I''d been to see our families, and that they all agreed that a few days apart right now would be best just to give us both a mental rest from facing this constantly. I told him that I still loved him, and that if he felt he needed to leave the job, then I would support him in his decision and help him find what he needs. He seemed so relieved to hear that, as he''s not quit yet and has anguished over that for two days now. We said good night and hung up. I am willing to adopt a wait and see approach right now, as I don''t want to give up on him totally just yet. Whether we go back to dating and courting at square one or not, I am not sure yet. I want to talk to him in another day or so and get his thoughts on what he wants to do next. Updates to follow...