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Broken Engagement

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Mannequin

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This evening, I broke my engagement. Mostly due to reasons stated in this thread here, and his first job woes straining our relationship too much. I love him so very much, which is why this hurts a lot. If he can get his head on straight, there may be hope for this relationship, but until that happens, I cannot continue planning a "happily ever after" wedding that will be a sham.

I am not even sure if we are "dating" anymore... This could get tough seeing as we are living together.
 

jaz464

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I am so sorry to hear about this equestrienne. Please know my thoughts are with you. It takes a lot of courage to do what you have done and I admire you for it. I am wishing you the best of luck in working through your problems together or for someday finding your forever love.
 

RoseAngel04

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Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this Equestrienne!
I haven't read the "reasons" thread yet but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. *hugs* and hang in there!
 

IrishAngel7982

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I''m so sorry Equ!!! I read your thread about the job stressors and all the troubles, but didn''t reply since I didn''t have too much else to add. I was thinking about you and hoping things would work out. I am so sorry you chose to end your relationship but everything works out exactly the way it''s supposed to. Maybe you''ll find your way back to each other in the future. Good luck to you sweetie.
~M
 

stretch4

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Jul 25, 2004
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Oh I''m so sorry, but it sounds like you did the best thing right now. I wish you all the luck, and of course, you know we are here for you!
 

robbie3982

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Equestrienne, I''m so sorry to hear that you''re going through this! I read your other post when you made it and was really hoping that things would get better for you. I can''t even imagine how difficult of a decision it was to call off your engagement. Please know that we''re all thinking of you and are here to help in any way we can.
 

firebirdgold

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I''m so sorry Equestrienne!
Are you thinking of moving out?

*HUGS*
 

Blenheim

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I''m so sorry, Equ. I''ll be thinking about you. Please let me know if there''s anything that I can do. {{hugs}}
 

larussel03

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I''m sorry that you have to go through this Equ, but it sounds like you need to do this right now. {{HUGS}}} girl, you''ll get through this. Keep us posted on how you''re doing!
 

Jaders731

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I am so sorry to hear about this Equ... but I think that you are handling all of this very well.

My friend went through this last year.. and is now back together with her Fi. He had several issues that he truly showed an effort in seeking help for.. and now they are getting married next July. I tell you this to show you that these issues can break up an engagement, but that true love will prevail. He is seeking help and working on himself, and you clearly are doing the same.. through workouts, etc. It is my hope for you that you can heal from all of this.. and help your fiance to heal as well. Love isnt always easy.. and not to sound cliche.. but you will come out stronger in all of this...

Get some rest, tomorrow is a new day!
 

Tacori E-ring

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I am so sorry to hear this. I hope he can get through this stressful time and realize how much he has to lose. Good luck and stay strong!
 

dtnyc

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equestrienne-
I can''t imagine what you are going through. One of my best friends called off her wedding 8 days before hand and she says it''s one of the hardest, but best things she has ever done.
I have another friend who almost did 4 months before her wedding, but she went through with it and now 5 months after their wedding they are in counseling and most likely going to separate.
www.theregoesthebride.com is a fantastic website and resource you might want to check out.

good luck- I wish you the best.
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 12/17/2006 9:10:43 PM
Author:equestrienne
This evening, I broke my engagement. Mostly due to reasons stated in this thread here, and his first job woes straining our relationship too much. I love him so very much, which is why this hurts a lot. If he can get his head on straight, there may be hope for this relationship, but until that happens, I cannot continue planning a ''happily ever after'' wedding that will be a sham.

I am not even sure if we are ''dating'' anymore... This could get tough seeing as we are living together.
Equestrienne, first let me say I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I read your other thread and wanted to comment, but other than offering sympathies, I didn''t have much advice, as it seems like the issues are quite complex. You were getting good advice, and it seemed you were being proactive in finding ways to make things better.

I don''t know your man, and at the end of the day, you shouldn''t be with someone who is going to be really unhealthy for you. That being said (and with the understanding that I can''t possibly understand what you are going through since I don''t know you), I''m going to go a bit against the flow and wonder why you aren''t sticking it out.

You didn''t accept his proposal just to plan a "happily ever after wedding." You accepted his proposal to commit to a MARRIAGE, which everyone knows definitely isn''t always a walk in the park - so going through with a wedding certainly wouldn''t be a sham in my opinion, even if things weren''t "perfect" beforehand. You say you love him very much, and if he can get his head on straight, then there may be hope. While I do think that people have to get healthy themselves - no one can do it for them, I wonder if you are giving up too easily? Even if he got out of this hole enough to make you think you can continue on with the wedding, what happens in the future with the tide turns again? You say you love him so very much...but it seems it is not enough to make you stick this out with him, and maybe therein lies your answer.

I don''t want to kick you when you are down...that is not my intention. I know there are people who just get into a dark place and don''t care who they suck down in the process...that is not healthy and an engagement is certainly the time to assess whether or not you can live with it before you make that final jump. But engagement isn''t always the happy blissful time that women think it''s going to be...it''s a time of a lot of reflection for a lot of us. In my case, I wanted to call it off a couple times when I got very scared that I would have to live with certain things "for the rest of my life"..but I forged ahead, kept communicating and really came out stronger. I hope that can happen for you *if* this is the right person for you.

Good luck!
 

galeteia

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Oh my god, Equ, I''m so sorry. I was stunned to see who the poster was, and from what I have read of you so far, things must have been truly heartbreaking to bring you to this point. My heart really, sincerely goes out to you (I''m actually feeling a little moist-eyed as I type this, I know I don''t know you personally, just from imagining myself in your position) because you seem like such a wonderful, genuine person and must be the last person who deserves to go through something like this.

I hope that whatever happens, you find the happiness that you deserve. My thoughts are with you.
 

monarch64

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OH, equestrienne, stunned here as well, but wishing you well no matter what. Things happen, life happens, etc., there are no words I can type here that will be even somewhat consoling. Sorry to hear that you''ve called off the engagement, but I''m sure it will work out for the best in the end. Thinking of you... take care!
 

firebirdgold

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Date: 12/17/2006 11:45:16 PM
Author: TravelingGal

I don''t know your man, and at the end of the day, you shouldn''t be with someone who is going to be really unhealthy for you. That being said (and with the understanding that I can''t possibly understand what you are going through since I don''t know you), I''m going to go a bit against the flow and wonder why you aren''t sticking it out.


You didn''t accept his proposal just to plan a ''happily ever after wedding.'' You accepted his proposal to commit to a MARRIAGE, which everyone knows definitely isn''t always a walk in the park - so going through with a wedding certainly wouldn''t be a sham in my opinion, even if things weren''t ''perfect'' beforehand. You say you love him very much, and if he can get his head on straight, then there may be hope. While I do think that people have to get healthy themselves - no one can do it for them, I wonder if you are giving up too easily? Even if he got out of this hole enough to make you think you can continue on with the wedding, what happens in the future with the tide turns again? You say you love him so very much...but it seems it is not enough to make you stick this out with him, and maybe therein lies your answer.


I don''t want to kick you when you are down...that is not my intention.
I agree. There is no such thing as happily ever after.

I''m reluctant not to be supportive to fellow BIW''s, but as someone with mental health issues I found your thread to be a little disturbing. I don''t care for the idea that being depressed is a good reason to dump someone. My fi knows that there''s a good chance that I''ll go flooey at some point in the future even with medication. We''ve talked about it and when I become depressed or manic there''s nothing he can do other than to be supportive, patient, and to take away all the credit cards and sharp objects. The hardest part is knowing that you can''t fix the other person.

I can''t fix my fi''s life either. He''s so unbelievably miserable and stressed at work that if he were any older I''d drag him to the cardiologist! I have no idea if he''ll still be this miserable when we get married in a few months, but there''s a good chance he will. We''re not putting off the wedding until things look brighter or until we even have an idea of what the future will hold. Whatever it is (even 2 more years of this hell), we''ll face it together.


OTOH, from your description in your other thread your ex-fi needs more than some meds and patience. He needs a slap upside the head and a life. (If a lazy gamer says someone needs a life, then they really do!) Hopefully you breaking up with him is the slap he needs to start growing up some and engaging in life.
There''s also a difference between being ill or going through a difficult time and just being screwed up! No one needs to shackle themselves to someone who''s screwed up! G. knows a non-screwed up genius was one of my main requirements in a man.



I''m not disagreeing with your decision. It sounds like the best choice for both of you. If he was truly the right guy at the right time for you then breaking it off wouldn''t have even occured to you. I''m just saying that in the future you need to realize that there is no such thing as happily ever after, and even with the right guy there will be times when the other person is struggling and there''s not much you can do to help.
 

Lorelei

Super_Ideal_Rock
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I just wanted to send you a hug Equi
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
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aww equi, Im so sorry to hear this. I can only think how hard it must have been for you to do it. I hope that things work out for you.
 

labbielove

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
862
Equ,
I''m so sorry to hear this,
It does take courage to do what you think is best,
and it''s definitely not easy to postpone a wedding or break off an engagement.
so sending a hug your way.

I think there''s been some great feedback on this board, so the only other thing i can offer is from my personal experience of being involved in the past with someone who suffered from depression. It''s so hard to see the line of sticking it out because of your commitment to him versus taking yourself out of an uhealthy/unsafe situation. I think the most important thing is his commitment to getting the help he needs, and then the 2 of you can take it from there.

good luck,and hang in there.
 

anchor31

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Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074
I''m very sorry to hear this. If the relationship is not healthy for you, then you are doing the right thing. I''ll be thinking about you and sending you warm hugs.
 

Dee*Jay

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Messages
12,927
Equ, I''m sorry that you''re going through such a difficult time and that you had to make this decision. I hope that it all turns out for the best, whatever that outcome might be. Big hugs outgoing to you right now. Hang in there.

(If it''s any consolation I broke off my first engagement nine days before the wedding and I KNOW I absolutly did the right thing.)
 

Hopes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 7, 2006
Messages
97
Hi equestrienne, I am very sorry to hear about what happened. You both must be going through a very difficult time at the moment. My fiance and I also went through a tough period where we were still living together but not "together" in status, and that was very tough and heartrending to be sharing the same bed with someone you know and love, but you are both feeling so down. Please take care of yourself, and if you can stay at a friend''s temporarily or get temporary housing, do take that option. A little time apart can really help out in such a situation.

I just want to say from my own personal experience, sometimes it is the job, and not the person. I became a much more laid-back and much happier person after I found a new job that was closer to home. My current job has none of the stresses I had previously. At the old one, where I was constantly working late, feeling down about myself, had a horrendous commute, awful managers and crazy coworkers. I did not realize it, but it was really affecting my relationship. As soon as I got this new job almost all of my relationship woes went away. Maybe this is not the case with your guy, but I personally believe that a bad job can really damage a good relationship, and it''s worth investigating different work opportunities.
 

sumbride

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Hugs to you! I know it was a difficult decision to make, and it may indeed be the right one, but after closely reading your reasons thread, I hope you stay in touch with him. It really sounds like some situational depression and a bad job more than anything. AmberGretchen really described it to a tee, I think. I too have been through times like those, a little of it while with my FI, and he was able to realize that it wasn''t ME, it was the situation. I don''t think you should marry him if you aren''t sure you can handle it, but don''t give up completely on him as a person. He needs help, but honestly, that''s what marriage is about sometimes... it isn''t all sweetness and light 100% of the time. My FI has anxiety issues and I''m occasionally depressed but I also have pretty severe ADHD which makes him nuts. Neither of us use medication, but we''re not opposed to it if we have to someday. My point is that dark times fall in everyone''s life, and you choose how to handle it or not handle it. You''ve chosen not to handle it, and it is your life to do with as you wish, but it pains me to see you make that choice because he may need you now more than ever to help him get through this dark time.
 

widget

Ideal_Rock
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Dear Equestrienne...

You have my deepest sympathies....and my admiration. What you're doing is so painful, and takes much courage.

I read your other post, but didn't comment because I worried that my opinion (based on instinct only) would be too negative.

I think you're doing the right thing. It sounds as if his troubles are complex, and run pretty deep. Being supportive is indeed admirable, but I honestly believe it can only do so much. In the end his troubles are his, and it is he who must work through them.

Feeling burdoned and perhaps becoming depressed yourself is not good. You must take care of yourself, first of all.

You have my sincerest best wishes...

widget
 

scarlet16

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Joined
Mar 14, 2006
Messages
960
Equi -
I am so sorry. I really do hope things work out for you. But like most have said here, I think this is for the best. I honestly believe you two need to work out the issues before going into the marriage. I do agree that a marriage itself is a lot of work, but there is no reason to rush into the wedding if you two are doubting the relationship to begin with.

Please keep us updated and let us know if you need anything.
 

AChiOAlumna

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Messages
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Equi...I''m also so sorry to hear about your broken engagement...

I can relate to your story though. My DH also goes through bouts of depression and when he''s depressed, it can be SO tough on us and on me. Our first years of marriage were hellish for me as I couldn''t see the forest through the trees. Once I realized his depression and he began getting help, our marriage became "bearable" and then even "wonderful," but it''ll never be "happily ever after" as marriages aren''t in general.

Depression is a self-absorbed type of disorder. The depressed person can only focus on the one thing that is keeping them going and when they don''t have that, they begin to feel hopeless. There''s no rhyme or reason as to what that "focus" is...you try so hard to help them focus on other things, but the depression prevents it.

I''m glad to hear he''s getting help and is on medications. I was first going to suggest that combo before I read that part in your "reasons" post. Hopefully, they''ll help and he''ll be able to function once again.

As for you, take care of yourself. Whether you choose to leave or stay, depression does effect others and you need to learn how to take care of yourself during his depressive bouts. These bouts are not about you, but it is difficult not to personalize them. Don''t get focused on "fixing" his depression in an attempt to feel better for yourself. He needs to find his own way and hopefully (if you choose) you can be there to support that.

Be kind to yourself and do something that is for you!
 

janinegirly

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Messages
3,689
i''m also sorry to hear what you''re going through, although i''m new to your story.

i''d like to hear how you are doing now and how your FI is doing. I feel sad that he''s going through this inner turmoil, and now it has affected you and the health of your relationship/future. This must be like another tough thing for him to go through, I hope he''s handling it ok. And I also feel for you--It must be incredibly difficult to also be living together while this unravels. Please let us know how you are doing. Do you have family and friends who are aware of the situation to help?
 

Christa

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I'm so sorry, Equestrienne. It's hard even when you know it's the right thing to do, and if you are having any second thoughts, it only makes it worse.



Just my 2 cents: while TravelingGal and IndieJones are right that marriage is about for better or for worse, no matter what and all that, dating and the engagement period is about making sure you are with the right person in the first place. I don't know you or your guy, so I have no opinion one way or the other about whether he is the right guy, but the fact that he seems (from what you've said) to not be dealing well with stress and other issues in his life can be a valid reason to re-examine your relationship. When you think about marriage and kids and all the things that go with that, having a guy you can count on to be somewhat "together" even in the worst situations should really be at the top of the list.

Sorry you're going through this . . . I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
 

KimberlyH

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Equ,

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your sadness and pain. Only you know what is right and best for you and this is the time for you to decide whether or not you will be good partners to one another forever, because life doesn''t turn sunshine and rosees once you say "I do." I understand what TG and Indie are saying, and I agree in theory, but if you are not equipped to handle this and have it play a role in your life than your decision is the best for both of you.

I hope he finds a way to turn things around and that you get your happy ending (not happy wedding day but happy ending, because there is a big difference).

My heart goes out to both of you.
 

Mannequin

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Messages
1,733
Thank you all so much for your posts during this time.

I have not actually seen my FI(?) since yesterday afternoon. He spent the night at his folks'' place. Until I see him, I am not sure what the current status is on the relationship. I know he still wants us to maintain something, as would I, but the picture he is painting for the future is not very bright at this time. The depression issues, as some have said, are indeed situational in part due to job stress, but the way he is choosing to handle the stress is the reason for the postponement/cancellation of the wedding.

The job market for new graduates of law school here in Michigan seems pretty fierce at this time. Rather than stay at the firm he is at and get the on-the-job skills he needs to succeed anywhere, his idea (which his mother supports) is to put in notice and quit there while looking for a new position. While I want him to find something that makes him happy, it concerns me that this is the first real job he has ever had and the challenges of learning how to apply multitasking and time management skills are stressing him to the point of walking away with no job lined up and no "plan" in mind. His mom may support this decision, but I am the one who has to live with him right now and be witness to the crying jags, the sulking, and the self doubt. His decision is not one that bodes well for a secure future, as at any job he does next he will have to go through the same process of learning the ropes and being the low man on the totem pole. Seeing him handle job stress in this way makes me wonder what he will do when, in a few years down the road, he would be faced with challenges in parenting or maintaining a household. (Christa, your post rings so true!) It''s not so much the wedding that is making us stressed, but the idea of a very unstable future marriage is too troubling and uncertain at this time.

In regards to his emotional issues, it''s almost like I am parenting rather than preparing to be a spouse to an equal right now. I wouldn''t mind doing this and would gladly continue to be supportive if I saw some reasonable efforts. He is going through some counseling and taking the medicine that was subscribed to see if it helps, but what kills me is that he''s not doing much to help himself succeed on the job. He doesn''t ask questions for fear of looking incompetent and he isn''t making an effort to be a team player at work to help them see him in a better light. Five hours writing ONE memo or email isn''t necessarily ridiculous to me, but the fact that he is taking this long doing it to avoid having to hand it to someone to make changes/criticisms on it IS ridiculous. It''s like he thinks that he''s the only person who has ever had trouble at a first job sometimes, and I think his mother would rather hold his hand than give him the proverbial smack upside the head and tell him to put on his big boy pants to deal with it.

Not wanting to compound the stress that he is under at this time, and not wanting to further strain myself emotionally over these issues, it makes sense to remove the wedding part of the equation at this time. Better to break it off now than to fumble through a divorce later. I have yet to see him in person and talk to him about cancelling this wedding, so I have not officially done any of this yet. I am not sure what happens next. All I know is that this is not a healthy situation when the wedding is added in to the mix. I do not want to make a commitment before God and family and friends to this person, knowing that he is NOT doing everything he could or should to help himself.

Again, thank you all for your posts. I will update after I talk with him later.
 
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