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Broken Engagement

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Mannequin

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Thank you so very much for all of your posts. Throughout this time, I have found an amazing outpouring of support both here on Pricescope and in my friends, family, and coworkers. I am so grateful for the stories, the advice, everything. Thank you...

I talked to his family last night. Though I wasn''t sure if I would find allies or opposition there, I felt I owed it to his mother and grandmother to tell them why I broke the engagement and what I was seeing, and I wanted to know wht he has been telling them. They were bordering on hostile when I first walked in, but as I explained how this poor guy has been and what has been going on on the front lines every single day in our relationship, they stopped bristling up and began to listen.

His mother feels EXACTLY the same way that I do about things right now - he''s not ready to get married, he needs to grow up, he needs to seek intensive help for some personal issues, his medicine is not addressing the problems at hand, etc. She said that he mentioned hating his dad and all the criticism he used to endure from him in a recent conversation and he has never said that to her before. I find myself wondering if the scrutiny he seems to be experiencing at this job makes these old feelings from childhood surface and boil over into this inner turmoil he has himself in. He''s gone so deep within himself that he can only see the negative in anything he does on the job or in his personal life. He''s so scared of failure and rejection to the point that he''s making himself into a basketcase. She and I both agree that he is not the same person he used to be right now.

According to his mother, he''s been tying our relationship to the job and agonizing over leaving it because he feels he would lose me at the same time. Even she said that it did not sound like me to issue such an ultimatum to him, and I haven''t. I think that by expressing my need to feel security and my apprehension over him leaving the current job without something else lined up for later, I''ve inadvertantly given him a message that has twisted into "lose job, lose girl". I know that if he did in fact lose me, he''d be inconsolable, possibly dangerously so. He had wanted to postpone the wedding, but I completely called everything off. I explained to his mom that I broke the engagement not because I didn''t love him, but because I didn''t want that wedding or even the commitment to marry to be an excuse or hindrance to him getting what he needs mentally/physically/emotionally right now. I wouldn''t have gone to see her and the rest of his family if I didn''t love him and want to help him. I know he still loves and wants me, he didn''t want the ring back and he''s been looking at me with this pained combination of love and fear of losing me on his face. Hearing the story from my perspective was good for them. I was able to leave on good terms with them, and we may try to sit down with him in a day or two and talk to him together to see what he feels needs to happen next.

I left his family''s house and went to mine. My parents have been together over 25 years, a relationship which no one gave a snowball''s chance in hell when they got married, and yet they are one of the most happy, stable couples I have ever met or could hope to meet. I talked with them and they agreed with much of what his mother and I had discussed. They absolutely 100% back the decision to cancel the wedding, as they care about him and want him to find what he needs to become better. As my mom put it, we''d had nearly five great years, of him treating me very well and us being a very happy couple, and six months or so that were miserable, and the odds are good that there would be more good times to come without his current job in the picture. Since he has some savings and could afford to quit and look for something more fulfilling, they feel he should do it. I think that it may be all he needs to hear from me, that it''s okay to leave the job and that I will still love him afterwards. That could make a huge difference for him in how he approaches things next. They understand that I need a little space right now, mentally and physically, as much as he does because I''ve been exhausting myself being a counselor to him every day. He is able to help with rent even if he is not there for a little while, so I don''t have to break another lease or move suddenly since he can do this as he stays with his folks, and my folks were happy to hear this as they were worried about my living situation. I was glad for the chance to talk to them, and it felt so good to know that my parents are with me in any decision I choose to make right now.

I did call him briefly after heading home from my folks'' place. He had been at a therapy session earlier in the evening. I explained to him how I''d been to see our families, and that they all agreed that a few days apart right now would be best just to give us both a mental rest from facing this constantly. I told him that I still loved him, and that if he felt he needed to leave the job, then I would support him in his decision and help him find what he needs. He seemed so relieved to hear that, as he''s not quit yet and has anguished over that for two days now. We said good night and hung up. I am willing to adopt a wait and see approach right now, as I don''t want to give up on him totally just yet. Whether we go back to dating and courting at square one or not, I am not sure yet. I want to talk to him in another day or so and get his thoughts on what he wants to do next. Updates to follow...
 

jas

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Equ,

I have nothing to add at this point other than my complete support and kudos for doing the right thing for you. We''re all here when you need us.


Jackie
 

AmberGretchen

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equestrienne - I''ve been out of town for a few days so I missed these last few days of posts. First of all, I''m so sorry that you are going through this pain and stress - I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.

Second, something stuck out to me, which is the discussion of him quitting his job to look for another. When my DH was going through a similar experience at his job/in his life, he stuck it out. I think that many of the other posters here have correctly noted that quitting in this case seems to be immature and selfish behavior. I don''t mean to draw comparisons or imply that my DH is somehow "better," but I think that getting through difficult situations is part of being an adult and making it through your first job successfully is a really important element of that. Of all my friends, the vast majority of whom are less than 5-6 years out of college, almost no one liked their first job, but they all learned useful things from it. My DH has proved to himself by sticking it out in this job for 2.5 years that he can make it work, and I respect him for that. But more importantly, he respects himself. Did it solve everything? Absolutely not. But it was an important step.

All of that said, I don''t know exactly where you or he is emotionally or mentally, and all of us on this board are going on relatively limited information of your relationship. And I also think that some of the posters made really important points about getting through tough times together and needing to learn to stick it out when one of you needs more support than the other.

So overall, I realize that''s kind of a mixed message, but I think that sounds kind of like where you are right now too. I think the most important thing is to communicate clearly - if you think the relationship has a chance of working you have to make it clear what your expectations are from him and from yourself, and also where your boundaries are for ending the relationship. Make it clear that you will help and be supportive within those constraints but you do have limits and outside those you will walk away completely.

And please keep us updated and feel free to vent even if it doesn''t seem reasonable - sometimes it helps to see your feelings about something all out in front f you written down.
 

AmberGretchen

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Sorry - I wrote all of that without reading your most recent post.

I think it sounds like you are on the rigth track to finding the best individual solution for the two of you and I applaud you for being so brave and keeping the lines of communication with everyone so open.

Best of luck, and do keep us upadted.
 

IrishAngel7982

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Hey girl,
I''m sure you know this, but I wanted to add that medication can take 6 weeks to start working, assuming he''s on the right medication and correct dosage. It''s trial and error with these kinds of drugs.

I''m glad you talked to your families. That way you''re all on the same page. It''s good to hear that everyone is supporting you.

*Hugs*
 

bee*

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How are things equi? Hope you are doing ok
 

Mannequin

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Just to give a brief update... I''ve been speaking with him daily and we''ve still got some things to hash out. He has been staying here the last two nights, but I do not know if he is going to continue staying here indefinitely at this point. As of right now, my ring is back on my finger and we are currently "engaged without a definite date" though I have not cancelled any of our 07/28/07 reservations or deposits yet. I am going to hold off on that for approximately two months. We will re-evaluate at that time to see if he feels ready for July. I''d feel awful if I went ahead and dropped everything only to find out three weeks from now that he''s gung ho for getting hitched.

The job situation is still the main worry for him, and I still don''t think he''s seeing me as a true life partner and feels like he is going through this alone. I''ve been trying to help him see that I am here and supportive, and also that the marriage really won''t change much about our current living situation at all. The things that he worries about (having a house, kids, grocery shopping, laundry, etc.) are not as worrisome if he can see that he and I are a team going to tackle it all together when the time is right.

So, that''s the story for the moment. I''ll keep updating as needed. Thank you all so much for your insight and advice and support.
 

zhuzhu

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Equ,

I feel your pain in more personal way than I have hoped to. Though I am so happy for you and your fiance that things are back on the "working out track". There is always great hope as long as two hearts have the same commitment to make life-together work. Be strong and enjoy the company of your loved ones this holiday.

{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}
zhuzhu
 

AndyRosse

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Thanks for the update, glad things are progressing.
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janinegirly

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equ~how are you, what is the latest...is everything A okay? it seems to have gone from one extreme to the other and now things are back to full on wedding planning if I''m following this correctly? Hope all is smoothed over and things are better..I looked at your other thread and caught up on all the photos...lovely!
 

Skippy123

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Nov 24, 2006
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Equ,
Take it one day at a time. My husband and I broke up before our wedding. I know it sounds so cliche, but it does take time. As a society we want instant gratification and issues solved immediately. Maybe some time apart from each other will help. It helped us even though it was very hard at the time. Best Wishes.
 

FireGoddess

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I missed this update but had seen some new developments on your wedding thread. I am hopeful for the both of you and am glad you are just taking this one day at a time. I hope things get better on his job front and the stress it causes him.
 

Mannequin

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Thanks for the concern and well wishes, everyone. I am continually amazed at the support that comes from the members of this board and I am so grateful.

FI is still having some trouble dealing with work and being a grown up, but I have been moving ahead on some of the wedding planning (keeping a flower appointment, looking at headpieces and veils, etc.), knowing that I cannot wait much longer to look into a few things. I am still going to wait to book any more big vendors or make any more non-returnable purchases until about February. It may put me in a bind, but I want him to be more settled and comfortable with his work situation before I commit more money to a date that he is not sure about.

FI has been staying with me in our apartment. I have been reassuring him that I do still want to be with him and marry him, even if he was in a different job. I do encourage him to look for different positions within the legal realm and have offered assistance with cover letters and things. I am telling him that I can only help him as much as he will let me, and as I cannot wait to live my life while he muddles about, I informed him that I am going to pursue my masters degree and my fitness goals this year and put myself first and foremost. If he truly wants to be with me, then that will fall into place with everything else I want to do with my life. I am hoping that seeing me working on my own interests will encourage him to branch out and broaden his own range of interests and activities too.

FI has been in touch with many of his buddies over the holidays, to find that they have gone through similar periods when working for the first time. He is talking to his counselor about once a week and he is also continuing to take the two ADHD meds he was prescribed, though he doesn''t feel that they are very effective in a consistent way. I am hoping that as he continues talking to the counselor and friends of his, he will start to realize what I''ve been telling him all along is true - he is having normal feelings and should not be too hard on himself.

Again, thanks for your support. I will update this thread again as needed.
 

diamondfan

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Equ, I am glad things are moving in a good direction.

I just want to say that he hopefully is getting help and learning about the trials and ups and downs in real life, and in marriage. Crappy and stressful stuff hits us in life, and you want to be with a man who can deal with things, and not run away or crumble. If he cannot do so, better to know now. But it sounds like he is at least trying to grow and see the big picture which is great for both of you, because he needs it regardless of who is with him. But I hope for you, if you love and want to marry him, that he starts feeling strong with this and really gets it, so you guys can start your life together as planned...
 

Mannequin

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Date: 12/30/2006 7:58:20 PM
Author: diamondfan
Equ, I am glad things are moving in a good direction.

I just want to say that he hopefully is getting help and learning about the trials and ups and downs in real life, and in marriage. Crappy and stressful stuff hits us in life, and you want to be with a man who can deal with things, and not run away or crumble. If he cannot do so, better to know now. But it sounds like he is at least trying to grow and see the big picture which is great for both of you, because he needs it regardless of who is with him. But I hope for you, if you love and want to marry him, that he starts feeling strong with this and really gets it, so you guys can start your life together as planned...
I wholeheartedly agree.
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Kerbear560

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May 29, 2004
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Equestrienne, I just got caught up with what has been going on with you, and I wanted to say how sorry I am that you''re going through this. I hope that your FI is able to work through his issues...and kudos to you for being supportive of him during this difficult time. Also, it''s great that you are going to put yourself first by pursuing your own interests. You''re right- if it''s meant to be, everything will fall into place. *hugs*
 

Mannequin

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It''s over. I cannot continue to play his games and be his cheerleader and maintain my own emotional health at the same time. He''s moving out, and for the time being I am keeping the apartment lease and the cat. I will be around lurking, but I don''t expect to be very active on this site much at this time.

Thank you all so much for your support during this time. It has meant a lot to me to hear the stories and advice you have given.
 

KimberlyH

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Equ,

I''m sorry that it has ended this way, as I am sure it is terribly painful for you. But again, kudos to you for defining your needs and seeking them out as opposed to settling because there''s wedding planning under way. It takes courage to make such a difficult choice. I hope you can find peace in your decision so that there isn''t a lot of waffling and back and forth, which can be quite painful for both parties in a relationship. If lurking is what you need to do for now that is understandable, but know that we are all here if you need us.

~K
 

canuk-gal

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HI:

Equ, please look after yourself. Hope you have friends and family close by for support.

kind regards, Sharon
 

IrishAngel7982

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Equestrienne...I''m so sorry. I just got caught up and saw that you two had started to work things out, now things have taken a turn for the worse again...please take care of yourself. We''re here for you if you need us. *HUGS*
 

AndyRosse

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Oh equestrienne, I''m so sorry, but it sounds like you made the best decision for right now. Please remember that we are all here for you...
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bee*

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Im really sorry to hear that equestrienne. I was really rooting for things to get better between the two of you. Take care of yourself,keep yourself busy,see your friends and family a lot. Im so sorry that things didnt work out
 

jesterjigger

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I''m so sorry Equestrienne, I was really hoping that you guys were going to make it. Take care of yourself (and the cat). Please post if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I know we''ll all be here for you.
 

decodelighted

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I know this doesn''t help ... but I saw this article today & thought of you & your ex-fiance ...


****** Excerpt ******

The exodus of law firm associates is unprecedented, according to the National Association of Law Placement, or NALP, which found that 37 percent of associates leave large firms within the first three years.

A whopping 77 percent of associates leave within five years, according to NALP''s latest survey. The author of the piece is a former lawyer who left the profession to write a novel. As if we need more of those.
 

larussel03

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Oct 22, 2005
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Eq--I''ve been following your story, and never had anything helpful to add, but I just wanted to give you my support. It seems like you are making the best decision for yourself. I hope you''re doing ok.
 

gail013

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Sep 21, 2006
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As the wife of an attorney I can tell you it can be a hellish job! Stress, travel, stress and travel. My hubby loves what he does but he also spent half of last year in a hotel somewhere. If you are on shakey ground now, it will not get easier with so much upheaval in your lives. You seem to know what you need, and although it is hard, I think you know what you are doing is for the best right now.
 

ky6

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First, I really want to offer my support to you. I have been following your situation, though I have been reluctant to respond to this post. I am an attorney and work in a high stress field- though not a large firm environment. But surprisingly, I don''t have a lot of sympathy for your ex. I merely think he may not be cut out for the profession- I hate to say that and am not trying to be harsh. This opinion is why I have not responded. But now, seeing that you are suffered the loss of your relationship, I really wanted you to know that you have so many people out there who care about what you are feeling and what you are dealing with and are pulling for a healthy resolution for you (and mental health for your ex). I truly am sorry that you are going through the tough, tough situation you have been. Please continue to use Pricescope as a support. We are all happy to be an ear.
 

codex57

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So sorry to hear. I wish you the best and hope you''ll hang around here still.
 

Blenheim

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I''m so sorry to hear that, Equestrienne. You''re in my thoughts.
 

FireGoddess

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Oh gosh, I just saw this update Equ. I hope that you are okay and that your heart will mend with some time. I can''t imagine how difficult this must be. Make sure to surround yourself with friends and distractions to get you through this. *hugs*
 
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