Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know in the end, if I'm as important to him as he says I am, he will make time for me and we will figure this out. If not, so be it - it's not worth saving if he's not willing to fight for it. I know him like the back of my hand and I know that he ALWAYS makes time for things that are important to him regardless of how busy he is with things he has to do. If I am important to him, he will make time for me. Time will tell.

This right here. You said it and don't forget it. Reading everything you've said up to this point, I think you've figured this out and time will tell whether he's truely selfish or just a foolish boy.

And I wouldn't call it a breakup diet, instead call it a "new item's coming to the menu" diet.

LOVE this Seattle!

This is definitley my mantra, and I keep reminding myself of it, time will certainly tell how he really feels about me and this relationship. If he fights for it, it just may be worth saving. If not, well, I'm prepared for that too even thought it will hurt.like.hell.

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'd live on my own if I were you. You haven't lived alone before and that will be good. Plus this guy being a friend of your BF doesn't sound like a good roommate option.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The only potential problem I can see with living with a guy (regardless if he's your ex's friend) is someday you may date a guy who isn't cool with that. I didn't think this would be a big deal, but I know my fiance would never have dated a girl that had a guy as a roommate...unless he was openly and obviously gay or something. Just something to think about.

Oh, while I'm at it...do you think living with a friend of the ex will make it harder for you to mentally (and possibly physically) separate from your ex?

 

[mary poppins]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm in favor of making a clean break by getting your own place or being roommates with someone who is not associated with BF in any way.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I think living with the guy who is the friend of your bf is a bad idea. I don't really think living with a guy is a bad idea since I had a guy flatmate for 4 years. It can work if you have zero romantic feelings for each other and a lot of boundaries. I only really dated one guy who had an problem with it and I think it was more of an inferiority complex. Normally I don't think its much of an issue.

Living with a guy who hangs out with your current boyfriend is a problem. What if you guys break up? You're probably going to want to hear about the ex from roommate guy, but I'm sure you know it'll just make things harder. You don't want to have that kind of connection there if you break up. Even if the breakup is civil, it'll suck to ask your roommate how his night went and have him tell you about the great concert he saw with your ex and the new girl (concert being one of many random things they might do together).

Bad news!

 

[blacksand]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Definitely live alone! I think you really need to completely remove yourself from the BF's social circle for a while, clear your head, and figure out what you really want. AND if you live alone you can paints the walls lavender if you feel like it. My [horribly wasteful and not at all green; please don't tell Al Gore] thing when I was single and living alone was falling asleep with the TV on. Okay, I know, that's a terrible thing to do, but there was no one around and it felt good! It's silly, but it's so freeing being completely alone for a while. I won't lie: at times it was really lonely. But I'm convinced it was the best thing I ever did for myself, and I felt so much more prepared to enter a relationship with my fiance when I met him than I ever really felt with any of my exes. I knew myself so much better, knew what I wanted, and figured out how to get it. That, and I got to have a block of mozzerella cheese for dinner every once in a while if I felt like it.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Would anyone be FOR the roommate option if it was an unknown party (not that I have an option at the moment, but I could look for one)?

I'm having an inner struggle between WANTING to save money (so going with a roommate) and WANTING to only worry about ME!

Decisions, decisions...

 

[GamerGirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I vote for you to live by yourself. One thing that multiple people have been telling me : When going through a big life change be ok with SPLURGING on yourself.

Living by yourself will give you the space and freedom to be good and selfish for a while -- I think it would be a great way for you to focus on taking care of YOU first and foremost. Less logistical things to worry about too -- what if the roommate you find ends up being a jerk or brings a ton of guys home or has a boyfriend that ends up coming over all the time or what if YOU want to have a guy over (your BF or someone new) or what if the person is a slob and doesn't ever want to help clean up? I could go on an on --- since spliting housework/chores was kind of an issue with the BF do you really want to possibly get in another situation where you could be trying to get someone else to do their share?

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I vote for you to live by yourself. One thing that multiple people have been telling me : When going through a big life change be ok with SPLURGING on yourself.

Living by yourself will give you the space and freedom to be good and selfish for a while -- I think it would be a great way for you to focus on taking care of YOU first and foremost. Less logistical things to worry about too -- what if the roommate you find ends up being a jerk or brings a ton of guys home or has a boyfriend that ends up coming over all the time or what if YOU want to have a guy over (your BF or someone new) or what if the person is a slob and doesn't ever want to help clean up? I could go on an on --- since spliting housework/chores was kind of an issue with the BF do you really want to possibly get in another situation where you could be trying to get someone else to do their share?

This!

Maybe compromise...I know it's a PITA to move, but consider living on your own for a year of personal exploration and growth? After that, if you still want a roommate, you can look for one and move to a larger place to save for a bit.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Would anyone be FOR the roommate option if it was an unknown party (not that I have an option at the moment, but I could look for one)?

I'm having an inner struggle between WANTING to save money (so going with a roommate) and WANTING to only worry about ME!

Decisions, decisions...

I'm adamantly against a roommate that has contact with your current boyfriend, that's a given.

As far as whether or not you should have any roommate at all, if you can afford to live alone and still pay all of your bills, then I would really live alone. I have lived alone and with roommates and by far living alone is a million times better. Now that I am married I can assure you that my husband is the only roommate I could possibly live with, and even he gets on my nerves occasionally I think once you live alone you'll realize a lot about yourself and your personal likes, tastes, and interests. My other hope for you is that after you have been completely self-sufficient for a while you will realize just how much you were/are being taken advantage of right now and that you'll avoid that in the future should you live with someone again.

 

[confusedaisy]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi Advice,

I've still been following your story but haven't replied because the other ladies were already giving you such great advice. I'm sorry you don't get to keep the dog and I can only hope you aren't too heartbroken by it.

My vote is for living alone. I applaud you for wanting to pay off all of your school debt at once, but there will never be a greater chance for you to experience independence and happiness than this opportunity you have now. Paying your own bills, cooking for yourself, cleaning up after yourself, enjoying YOURSELF and continuing to learn who YOU are and what you like and don't is a wonderful opportunity that you have been given. Sending you HUGS for the weekend!!

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm having an inner struggle between WANTING to save money (so going with a roommate) and WANTING to only worry about ME!

Decisions, decisions...

You've got the financial angle taken care of. Either option will allow you to achieve your goal of paying your loans off before graduation. You seem to be the type of person who takes huge risks in interpersonal relationships and that's not good for a living situation - even with a roommate. The fact that you were even considering rooming with a friend of your BF should have sent off big warning signs that you need to be alone for awhile.

Even a roommate brings some risk of getting in intolerable living situation with several months left on a lease and no viable financial options for moving out. This is the situation you're in now and its caused your breakup to drag out for months and given you a lot of pain and heartbreak.

Give yourself a break and live alone. You're good at handling the money, you just need to be more careful what living situations you allow yourself to get into.

Reading over this post, its sounds judgmental but I'm really not. You haven't lived alone before; there's just some stuff that you can only learn from living alone.

 

[iota15]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I agree - I like the idea of living alone as well for the reasons already stated above.

However, when you're alone, it seems like you only have $100 a month of fun money. Now I'm not saying that isn't a lot of money or you need vastly more fun money. I just recall after a liberating break-up, which I'm sure this will be, that it was nice to go out there and just spend some money going out, having fun, treating yourself and trying things you haven't done or haven't done in a while (at least some of which cost money). I suppose you still have the $400 to $600 you've allocated to savings if you really went overboard - or needed something to draw from in the short term. You sound responsible enough to know your limits or what you can afford. For me, this would be the only reason to get a roommate - and one that definitely had no connection with your bf. Plus, it'd be nice to expand your social circle again a bit, and a good roomate can sometimes do that.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The kicker: I didn't really have a roommate option on the table. Someone approached me with the idea and I think I could live with this pereson pretty easily as we get along great. The issue (or maybe non-issue, I'm not really sure) is that it's a guy, and said guy is a friend of BF (albeit not great friend, but friend nonetheless). This guy and I hang out as regularly (or maybe more) than BF and friend do, and definitely have a friendship separate from my relationship. I don't know if this would be awkward or not since friend would be still seeing BF regularly for school related things even if BF and I break up entirely in the next few months. I see friend and I maintaining a friendship either way. There would be absolutly zero concern of friend and I ever having any relationship other than a friendship (he's a bit younger than I am, not each other's types, among other things, so definitley no worries here).

So, what do you think I should do?

Dealbreaker. Bad idea. Not because of gender, but it's an unnecessary complication and if BF follows through on threat to break things off if you move out, then you'll have this connection *in your home* letting in a constant dribble of info on what the then-ex is doing with other women. How does that possibility sound to you? Not good, right?

Find a different roommate or go solo.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You guys are right. Even though moving out does not equal breaking up for us (we really talked it out and agreed to see if we can make it work), and even though I will retain several friendships whether or not we breakup, it probably would make it easier to not see that sort of someone everyday.

So I'm between living alone and getting a 2/2 that I can comfortably afford on my own so that I can really take my time to 'shop' for a great roommate for myself. Kind of the best of both worlds? That way if I don't find someone, no harm done, and if I do, monthly expense break.

Hmmm...

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I would never want to live with a total stranger, so unless you have a friend of a friend (NOT your boyfriend's friend) I would just live alone. Have you posted on FB that you're looking for a roommate? That's how my sister found her roommate (she was a friend of a friend) and they get along great. I hope you find a place you love, whether it's with a roommate or not!

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

A 2/2 isn't a bad idea if you can swing it. It gives you more room so you can invite friends over rather than having to always go out.

One of the best things I did for myself when I moved out on my own was to start hosting pot-luck brunches. My friends and I were spending way too much money going out for brunch and since I love having people over, its really been nice. Since everybody brings something, it hardly costs anything - I cook one dish and do some extra cleaning before and after and thats about it. I've even made a couple of new friends from people my friends brought over and wanted us to meet. Its really been a big help to me because I don't like going out all the time.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

A 2/2 isn't a bad idea if you can swing it. It gives you more room so you can invite friends over rather than having to always go out.

One of the best things I did for myself when I moved out on my own was to start hosting pot-luck brunches. My friends and I were spending way too much money going out for brunch and since I love having people over, its really been nice. Since everybody brings something, it hardly costs anything - I cook one dish and do some extra cleaning before and after and thats about it. I've even made a couple of new friends from people my friends brought over and wanted us to meet. Its really been a big help to me because I don't like going out all the time.

Yes, great idea! My girlfriends and I do exactly the same thing and it's so much fun! We do it at least 1 Sunday a month, if not more. We do a big potluck dinner every few months, too.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I would definitely find a 1/1 just for yourself. Having a roommate is not the same as living alone. When you have a RM, you know eventually someone else will be there. You won't have the privacy you'll want and come to enjoy (what if you want to entertain?), nor will it feel the same as truly living on your own.

 

[Indylady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'd live with a roomie. Of course, its different strokes for different folks, but I imagine that I'd find myself lonely or need in of company if separated from SO. That's something you have to work through anyway post break-up/separation, but having a roomie might ease the transition. Roomies are great because you can expand your social circle, you have someone to chat with at 1am and someone to have random movie nights with that don't require planning, driving, parking, getting home after, etc. On top of that, you have extra cash on your hands, for savings, for a trip, whatever you want. I've had 11 random roomies through college; two that I shared a room with, and the rest I had my own room and shared bathrooms/kitchen/commonspace with. Three of my old roomies are my best friends now (I lived with each separately) and the rest I got along with fine. Last year I had some roomies that were sometimes tough to get along with (one was a major note writer/sticky note leaver..), but in all honesty, it wasn't that bad either, and we still had some good times.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You guys are right. Even though moving out does not equal breaking up for us (we really talked it out and agreed to see if we can make it work), and even though I will retain several friendships whether or not we breakup, it probably would make it easier to not see that sort of someone everyday.

So I'm between living alone and getting a 2/2 that I can comfortably afford on my own so that I can really take my time to 'shop' for a great roommate for myself. Kind of the best of both worlds? That way if I don't find someone, no harm done, and if I do, monthly expense break.

Hmmm...

Just live by yourself for a bit! Seriously!!!!

You've always been in a relationship. You need to be free! Just live on your own. I swear to you, it's the best thing you could ever do for yourself. You WILL thank me later. Love, Monnie.

 

[JSM]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I've been following your story and I am rooting for you. I haven't posted on PS in a while, but I wanted to comment about your apartment situation. I lived on my own for the first time after college/when I started grad school (hell, it was the first time I ever had my own bedroom!). It was the absolute BEST thing I have ever done for myself. It was a time of personal growth for me. It was two years of discovering my own priorities and the first time I lived for ME. Not a roommate, sibling, SO or parent. Yes, the money was tight, but I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

I think you'll find living alone can be a liberating and eye opening experience. Best wishes to you through this time!

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I understand the financial situation, but if you can manage to live alone, please do it.

I agree with other posters here; living alone after being in continuous relationships is a time of personal reflection, growth, and discovery. Personally, roommates are a PITA. Even if you live with the best roomie in the world, there will always be space for private resentment. Who didn't do the dishes? Left crumbs on the counter? Didn't clean the bathroom? Left muddy shoes by the door? Ate all your mozzarella cheese (that one's for you, Blacksand)? Living with another person right out of a relationship may be appealing in order to abate any loneliness issues, but you owe it to yourself to revel in absolute freedom.

You don't have to please anyone but yourself.

You've spent the past few months walking on eggshells, feeling disillusioned, lost, and disenchanted. A place of your own can be a safe haven! You can take naps when you feel like it, dart out of the shower naked without recourse, eat pancakes for dinner, fall asleep with rock music blaring, or stay up all night with new friends. A roommate hinders that freedom, because you still have to conscious and respectful of someone else's needs. And then there's the whole "I'm bringing a date home, please make yourself scarce from our living area" or "I'm planning on making a romantic dinner for two tonight, can you please not be home?" Oh, the inconvenience. And the QUESTIONS. No matter how trivial, a roommate asks questions. Who was that guy? Can I eat the leftover tai food? Who used the last of the dish soap?

Bah humbug to that! Relish your solitude. Answer to no one. Please NO ONE. But you.

There's your new maxim of affirmation.

Seriously, I love having my own place right now. I like coming home from work, kicking off my heels, peeling off my suit jacket, and sitting on my couch in my underwear. Sometimes I nap and eat peanut butter for dinner. I go to the gym at 9pm or watch "Dancing with the Stars" and drink margaritas on a Tuesday night. I spend HOURS pampering myself before a date if I feel like it. I invite my BFF over for brunch and a spa day, and sometime she sleeps over for fun. I get the bonus of a selective roommate if I want the company. I like--for ONCE IN MY LIFE--no judgment, no questions, no people up in my business unless I invite it.

I love the freedom right now. You will, too.

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Wow, I sound like a total misanthrope.

Ha!

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I forgot to mention - one of the downsides of a roommate is when your roommate is in a bad relationship. Then it feels like you're still living with a bad relationship because she is consumed by it day and night and you start getting resentful that all this drama is surrounding you and the relationship is not even yours. Its easy to say you'll just block it out and ignore but its hard to do.

And you have the added danger that the relationship is abusive. I had to call the cops once on the BF of my former roommate who beat the sh!t out of her and threatened me. I was out of the apartment the next day and it was the scariest experience in my life because I was racing to get out of the apartment before he got out on bail. He may have loved her but he knew I knew he was an SOB bastard so I didn't know what he was going to do when he got out.

I understand you're scared of living alone but there are ways to have meaningful companionship without someone living with you. It can be as simple as moving into the same apartment building as one of your friends. That way its convenient for either of you to knock on each other's door if you want to hang out but you still have your own space. Now that the weather is getting warmer, an apartment complex with a pool has an added advantage. You'lll probably see your friend a lot just hanging by the pool and if not, there are other people around to enjoy time with.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

No roommates. None. No sirree bob.

Living alone is the best choice I made for myself after the break up. Yeah, money is tighter than if I had roommates. But you know what? I never have to worry about what I'm coming home to. There is never an ounce of tension in my apartment. I can live exactly the way I want to, without worrying or apologizing. I get to choose who comes over and when. I pick what goes in my fridge, and whether or not any tempting food is around. I don't have to compromise on artwork or who gets the bigger bedroom, or whether or not to get cable. I'm telling you right now, it's worth it. You need a chance to live for YOU, and honestly, I think if you get a roommate you'll risk transferring all of the things you do in this relationship to your roommate situation. Live alone, be selfish, learn how to entertain and amuse and make yourself happy.

 

[marymm]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

My recommendation is - live alone - rent a 1/1 - do not commit to a more expensive 2/2 - do not have a roommate, do not "shop" for a roommate - truthfully, you need this time to spend on yourself, by yourself, with only yourself - having a roommate means sharing, splitting, compromising... all things you are more than proficient with (perhaps to a fault) - what you need to learn and focus on is how to be true to yourself and put yourself first. Paying off your financial obligations is part of that, but renting a 1/1 will still permit you to do so in a timely fashion. And after you've lived alone for at least a year and hopefully longer than that, I think you'll be in a much better personal position should you decide at that point to go with a roommate-scenario in order to accelerate your financial goals. (Saving money is laudable - but right now think of living alone as saving yourself - surely the higher priority?)

 

[blacksand]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Even if you live with the best roomie in the world, there will always be space for private resentment. Who didn't do the dishes? Left crumbs on the counter? Didn't clean the bathroom? Left muddy shoes by the door? Ate all your mozzarella cheese (that one's for you, Blacksand)?

Hahaha. I like to think I'm a pretty respectful roommate, but yeah, your cheese would always be a major temptation! Just one more reason to live alone! Cheese is just so good.

Seriously, I do agree with IndyLady that you will be lonely sometimes if you live alone after a big breakup, but to be honest, I think that is something you have to go through. It's true we're all painting a rosy picture of living alone right now, and there will be times that won't be so good at all. You will be lonely, but I think you need to have that experience of being lonely, and then eventually learning to value that solitude (and love it!), as a part of this process of figuring out exactly who you are and what you want in life and in your relationships. It's not impossible to do that with a roommate, but I think you gain a lot more clarity from living by yourself.

 

[Skychick]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I have been thinking about a nice way to say this but I think I need to be blunt. You need to live on your own. You need to learn to make decisions on your own.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have been reading, but I'm also just trying to get through finals. I had one on Saturday night (already posted, got an A- in the class, phew!), had one tonight (totally rocked it!!), one more to go on Wednesday night so I'll be studying for hours tomorrow night after work to get ready and then I'm freeeeeeeeeeee, for a week. Then I go back for the summer term.

This weekend I'll probably start looking for places. I do think a 1/1 is best even though I still have a hard time giving up the kind of savings I could squirrel away with a roommate. A coworker fried of mine (older than me, mid 30s, married, with a kid) told me she never lived alone even for a year and that she regrets it. She had siblings growing up (same for me), roommates through college (sort of, except BF), and then married. She thinks this will be good for both of us, I tend to agree.

Money will be tighter, but the peace of mind of having what I want, when I want, where I want. Clean if I feel like it (99.99999% of the time), messy if I don't, decorated how I want, blah blah blah. It would be nice to care about what I want and only what I want for a change. I'm already worried about the lonely times. Another friend of mine from work is my age and has been single, living alone for 2 1/2 years and she said while she's got it down, it's still lonely sometimes. That part is going to suck. Particularly since most of my great girlfriends are back in my hometown a good few hours away.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the relationship status, apartment status, moving status, FINALS status, etc. Thank you all so much for the support. I really do think of you all and this thread when I'm trying to channel my inner strength. I appreciate you all.