Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Good luck. Stay strong. This too shall pass. How long have you got till you move out?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I can't even really tell if he wants it to be over, or what. I'm feeling so incredibly lost.

He wants the status quo. He wants the way he is right now to be enough for you. He wants to still be coddled and taken care of and mothered SO HE DOESN"T HAVE TO GROW UP. He's had chances to respond to your (rightful) needs -- and slept on the job. Kept "doing him", with you cleaning up his messes & paying his unfun bills & walking his dog & BEING THE ADULT in the relationship.

OF COURSE he's making you do this "dirty work" too .... ending it. Only HA!! You're NOT. You're just saying you want to live apart. He'll be the one breaking up with you if he calls off the relationship after that.

I wish you could jump six months ahead & have all the feelings you'll have THEN ... NOW. These are growing pains. Emotional growing pains. You can't make people into things they're not ahead of their own maturation schedule. Maybe this is bad timing. Maybe it is fundemental incompatibility. It doesn't matter though. It isn't working and EVERONE KNOWS IT. Even him.

You are going to BE sad. It's just part of it. I'm sorry. I hope it helps you to know that we ALL have been there in some similar way and lived to tell the tales. It won't break you. It helps MAKE you.

deco - I saved this post word for word on my phone. I read it over and over when I'm feeling down/sad/weak/etc. Somehow your words speak to me everytime and I really appreciate everything you've said to me in the last several weeks. Thank you. So much.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Good luck. Stay strong. This too shall pass. How long have you got till you move out?

Lease ends June 30th. Haven't found a new place yet and don't really want to pay dual rent longer than necessary. I've probably still got at least 6 weeks of sharing, maybe a little more.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks for the shout out Advicepls! I'm actually very excited for you. As hard as this time has been and these decisions have been, you're already so much closer to being in a relationship where you can *receive* as much as you *give*. Men who have taken care of themselves and are ready for the next stage in life: building a life with someone -- those men will appreciate you in ways your soon-to-be-ex can't even understand. I will RELISH hearing that first "aha" moment ... "OHHHHHH, *this* is what its like with a grown a** man!" .... or even the couple months from now "Hey! Freedom is great!"

Life is about to get much, much easier for you. And much, much harder for *him*. But, as you've thought all along, it is important for both of you to go through those experiences to be the best partner for *anyone*. Even if you end up partnered *together* again.

I truly wish the best for you! And for the hard part to pass as quickly as humanly possible!!!!!!!!!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks for the shout out Advicepls! I'm actually very excited for you. As hard as this time has been and these decisions have been, you're already so much closer to being in a relationship where you can *receive* as much as you *give*. Men who have taken care of themselves and are ready for the next stage in life: building a life with someone -- those men will appreciate you in ways your soon-to-be-ex can't even understand. I will RELISH hearing that first "aha" moment ... "OHHHHHH, *this* is what its like with a grown a** man!" .... or even the couple months from now "Hey! Freedom is great!"

Life is about to get much, much easier for you. And much, much harder for *him*. But, as you've thought all along, it is important for both of you to go through those experiences to be the best partner for *anyone*. Even if you end up partnered *together* again.

I truly wish the best for you! And for the hard part to pass as quickly as humanly possible!!!!!!!!!

Thanks deco. Things are really hard right now. We'v decided not to discuss the future of our relationship at this point. We've agreed to just focus on getting things taken care of and finalized with the move(s) and that we'll talk about us and the whole situation once we're settled into our new places and are feeling more stable and level headed. So we're not broken up, but things are moving in the right direction either way. Good will come of this whether we stay together or not. If I ever meet you IRL at a GTG, I totally owe you a drink

 

[merilenda]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I can't remember if I've commented on this thread before or not, but I've been following it. And I just want to say bravo! I know it can't be easy, but I truly think you're making the best decision for yourself. You'll get through the hard part, and then you'll be so happy you did! I think you have a lot to offer (to yourself AND to a future partner who deserves you) and I think things will only get better from here.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks everyone for the support.

I was feeling pretty horrible all weekend about us not really talking at all and with the decision on living apart being made final.

He texted me this morning while I was at work and apologized for being distant all weekend and told me that he just needed some time alone and needed time to think and process. I can completely respect that and am happy to know he just needed some space.

He also has a great roommate option that made me feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess I shouldn't care - but it makes me feel better knowing that he has a good place to go. Makes it easier for me I guess.

I'm just feeling in a much better place about the whole thing today. I know there will be ups and downs as the days/weeks/months go on up until/when/and after we decide about our relationship, but I'll take the small victories of strength as they come.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Bad night. Long night. I went home after class and got myself ready for bed, etc. I was in bed asleep by 12:30am (he wasn't home yet). He woke me up at 2:15am when he got home. He was wide awake and finally felt like talking. So we talked. And talked. And fought. And cried. And hugged. And talked talked talked. Before I even knew it, it was after 5am and our alarms would be going off in just over an hour. He was able to lay down and go right to sleep - me, not so much. Running on just under 2 hours sleep today.

Good things and bad things out of the talk. He did own up to a lot of this being his fault (not entirely, which he shouldn't since this really is both of us) but he told me he realized that he has been withdrawing for months and that he doesn't know why. He says he's just not excited to see me/miss me/be with me as he used to and that he's not sure what's changed. I told him I'm pretty sure I haven't changed much at all in terms of what I like to do, etc since the day we met 6 years ago and reminded him that he's the one who's been through hobby after hobby, etc and continually changing interests. He said he just wants to go out more and be young. He felt like we were an old married couple that never did anything. I had to remind him that he used to be proud of that and that HE was the one who always wanted to go home early from things, not even go to things to begin with, etc because he'd RATHER be home. I'm a pretty simple person and always have been. I can be happy doing quite a lot of things in or out. I told him to tell me what he wants to do (in or out) and that there isn't much I wouldn't be okay with doing. He couldn't think of anything so I don't know where that leaves us.

I look and feel like hell today - I know that much.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Bad night. Long night. I went home after class and got myself ready for bed, etc. I was in bed asleep by 12:30am (he wasn't home yet). He woke me up at 2:15am when he got home. He was wide awake and finally felt like talking. So we talked. And talked. And fought. And cried. And hugged. And talked talked talked. Before I even knew it, it was after 5am and our alarms would be going off in just over an hour. He was able to lay down and go right to sleep - me, not so much. Running on just under 2 hours sleep today.

THis is the clearest example yet of his SELFISHNESS. WHO DOES THAT? Wakes you up ... unloads ... and then gets to go to sleep whereas you have to GO ABOUT YOUR DAY W/NO SLEEP???????????

And WHAT exactly did he accomplish? He calmed himself into a deep slumber by unloading on you. You know what MATURE people do? Talk about things at a reasonable time & place. He's had MONTHS .... YEARS ... what would have been the harm in waiting til you BOTH were awake?????

D-O-U-C-H-E move from a Dbag. Sorry.


ETA: Also, you should know that when people don't know exactly what's wrong and have NO ABILITY TO SELF REFLECT, they tend to ramble out lists of nonsensical reasons that it is the OTHER person's fault. Often they are even contradictory. And, you, pooooorrrrr sweeet you are SOOOOOOOO WANTING it to BE YOUR FAULT. Because then you could control it! You'd do it! You're a hard worker and you buckle down and you'd fix this damn thing if ONLY IT WAS YOUR FAULT. So you're scanning his words ... do I do this? Is this what he doesn't like? Is THIS my man-repellant? SO EAGER to grasp onto whatever nonsense he is spewing as if its gospel truth. ***sigh***

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry. It sounds like you had a rough night.

I am happy to hear that he's finally being open with you, and honest about what's going on in his head.

Having been in his position, I can tell you that's not an easy conversation to start (though I totally agree w/ Deco re: the timing of the talk). It's hard, because you KNOW it's going to hurt somebody you care about, and you're not sure why you feel that way or have been withdrawing. I did the same thing - looked back and realized that I'd been slowly pulling away for several months, and couldn't put my finger on why. Nothing had changed except me. And that's the thing about relationships in your twenties, I think - you change SO MUCH and sometimes you don't notice it until months later when the things that you were happy doing suddenly leave you dissatisfied.

The best thing about this is that is that it's a change within HIM. This is not a judgement on you or your relationship. This is not that he suddenly doesn't find you attractive or funny or any of the millions of things that kept you guys together and happy for so long. This is a natural thing. It's just growth. There is nothing you did to cause this, and there is nothing you could have changed to keep it from happening - you are an AMAZING person, okay? This is not at all a reflection on you. It's a chance for you to expand and grow and explore things that will make YOU happy.

*hugs*

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay, honey. First of all, I am SO PROUD of you for hanging in there in what appears to be a dire situation. I am right on with Deco's advice nearly 100% of the time. While you may buy her a drink, I think all of us following your story would get you good and drunk and send you home to bed.

I know I glazed over my story briefly after admitting I've been lurking here the better part of the year, I was always just too lazy to get a username. I know you're sad and discouraged right now, and it always helped me to have someone else commiserate.

The long and short of it:

I got married at 24 to who I thought was the love of my life in August 2007. We had been dating for two years and it was a military relationship. I was already established in my career and finishing my master's degree while working full-time, I was fixing up the house we'd purchased, and I was flying every-other-weekend on my dollar to meet my fiance wherever was stationed. I went through an overseas deployment with him. I'd ALWAYS travel where he was. Sometimes it was Colorado, sometimes it was Georgia, and though I was excited to see him, it was ALWAYS a pain in the a$$!

Fast forward: He gets discharged from the military, we marry, start decorating our house, and he looks for a civilian job. Finds several options, but then accepts a job with a firm that requires him to be away from home 6+ months out of the year. WITHOUT discussing it with me! I found out he took this travel-heavy job from my father-in-law. I was devastated, because I thought the whole reason he wanted to be a civilian again was to be near me and build our future together. When we talked about it, he honestly couldn't see why I was upset, when everyone around me could only see that he made an incredibly selfish decision. And it wasn't like this particular job was the highest paying job he was offered, either. I just couldn't get over it.

As a newlywed, my illusions of settling down and forging roots near family (both of our immediate families lived within 15 miles of our new home), enjoying work, and getting to relax into a married routine were shattered. There I was, flying or driving all over God's green Earth again, trying to meet up with my new husband. I figured that while I was sacrificing for the relationship, his turn would eventually come around. After all, we'd be together forever.

Wrong.

He started pulling away in October 2008. He was away on business (again) and I could just feel the emotional detachment. He seemed dissatisfied with our "lack of adventure" and didn't consider our relationship "fun." I was flabbergasted, as I was living out of suitcases and traveling the country every weekend to link up with him. We'd explore a new city every month, we'd go out with his coworkers, and when he'd be home, we'd be on an endless circuit of seeing family, fixing the house, so on and so forth. For whatever reason, there was this little niggling worry that our emotional intimacy was fading. He was a little cold sometimes, and I started to feel like I was a maid when he was home. Like you, I took care of EVERYTHING. Pets, groceries, cooking, cleaning. Granted, I had nuclear meltdowns over it and we fought, but I always tried to see his side of the coin. He was always away from home, when he was home, I couldn't blame him for not wanting to spend his time doing chores. However, I bitterly resented him for this, as the reason he was so stressed out was because of the job he took. Just like with the military, I felt we were living for his career, and I was just a mistress in this twisted love triangle.

Then, he started to spend money. Flying lessons. Outfitting trips to hunt. He became obsessed with hobbies and funneling our money (and we were financially secure) into personal pursuits. He'd go away on business and go on hiking excursions, spelunking, skydiving...you name it. He'd come home and be a cold, calculating bastard to me, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. Finally, we had a hellacious fight around Christmas 2008 and I moved back to my parents for 2 weeks. Life fell apart for him in our home, and we didn't have an hours-long talk about our marriage until he realized that until he made changes, I was drawing a firm line in the sand. Either we went to marital counseling and tried to figure out why he was so discontent (he said he loved me the entire time, of course), or we kept on going. No matter what, divorce wasn't in my vocabulary.

Turns out, it didn't need to be, because it was in his. After a particularly long business trip, he came home and was totally disinterested in me. Mind you, I am an attractive human being, educated, ambitious, career-driven, great family, handy around the house...outwardly, the total package. My family and friends honestly thought he has psych issues. I was scrubbing pots in the sink, panicking because I had no idea how to "fix" things...things I had never broken in the first place, and he practically hisses at me: "Divorce is an option for me."

What!?

I couldn't figure out where his anger was coming from, but I will tell you a couple of things. When he was home, he acted EXACTLY like your boyfriend. I handled everything. We'd talk, things would be fine for a few days, then go south. Rinse and repeat. I was flailing around, trying to "preserve" the relationship. Had I NOT been married, I'd have been out the door so fast you would've seen my cut-out in the wall and smelled burned rubber on the street. As a newlywed, I could not figure out WHAT was wrong.

What was wrong was that he was cheating on me. You have to understand that he would have been the one person on earth that I would never believe cheated. Ever. He was so solid that his affair nearly crippled our families. He was no a slimy, sleazy guy. He always bitterly hated other men who cheated on their wives, as it's what destroyed his parents' marriage. So imagine my surprise when all of his accusations that "I'm not fun," "I'm not adventurous enough," "I'm not exciting," and "We never do anything" was really because he was cultivating a relationship with someone else on his business trips. That explained the emotional distance, financial irresponsibility on hobbies (with her), lack of investment in making our house a home, his disorganization, and simmering anger towards me.

Basically, he was a giant Man Boy. He wanted the stability of what I represented. He liked having a smart, tall blond trophy wife when he was home, but he wanted the "adventure" of still sewing his wild oats on these business trips. I'm not saying your BF is cheating, I'm just saying that you are getting all of the red flags now. You're getting the disinterest, the fights, the distance, the lack of responsibility NOW before you're married. Looking back, my ex-husband (I caught him in bed with another woman while I drove all night to surprise him for Easter 2 years ago) didn't know what love was. He thought he was entitled to still act like a 25 yr old when he was a married man. He wanted to go out and "have fun" and "be 25" after we exchanged vows! And this was a person who thought knew my heart better than I knew my own.

There is NO WAY to sustain a healthy relationship with a man boy. And sweetie, I'm sorry. But you are going to move out and find that there are other fish that want to swim in your sea, and he is going to pale in comparison when you meet someone who is actually ready for an adult relationship. My divorce rocked the foundation of my family and I lost everything...house, retirement money, furniture...because it was in his name. Though I make my own money and do well professionally, I never gave a second thought to letting him be primary fiscal sponsor. However, that worked out for me in the end. I got my own apartment and he got stuck with a house and mortgage. My car was paid off--his was recently purchased with a loan in his name.

Your boyfriend is sending you the signals and you are waiting around to see if it changed. He will NOT change. Trust me on this. I am so angry that I wasted four years of my life on some chump who couldn't man up, and saw adultery as his only escape to indulge his selfish whims. I understand you have lease obligations, but it chaps my tush to see you marking time with a version of my ex husband when you could be out learning what it's like to be with a man who treats you like gold.

I've been with someone (an old friend, actually) for 1.5 years now. HE did the dishes on Easter. He takes care of his animals (we do not cohab yet). He is probably more responsible than I am. He's gorgeous, a family man, and I can actually see the love in his eyes when he looks at me. He has made it perfectly clear that he is willing to wait forever for me (as I'm obviously not jumping into marriage), and has created space in his home and life for me. I am constantly amazed--every day--that THIS is what being with a real man is like. It's stunning.

And he's out there for you, too. He is. But you gotta cut dead weight first. After you move out, END it. Don't call, don't write, don't look back. Don't waste more time for him to have a "realization." My ex husband had like 16 "realizations" when we went through counseling. NONE of them mattered in the end, because HE DIDN'T WANT ME ENOUGH. That's hard to hear, but your boyfriend should be kissing your feet and fanning you with palm leaves, not making your life miserable. Baby, he doesn't want you enough.

It's going to suck. It is. You can do it, though. Because someone who wants you more than his own breath is out there waiting.

There's a phrase in the military that means to jettison something or get rid of dead weight. When flying a helicopter with a swinging load of cargo, sometimes the ballast can get off balance and endanger the soldiers on board. When that happens a "cut slingload!" is called. The cargo or dead weight is literally cut from the chopper to restore balance.

Do it. Cut slingload!
9

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Ouch! I agree with Decodedelight - he shouldn't have woken you up like that.

Yeah, he's been withdrawing. At some point, you gotta wonder why ask why? But sometimes you still want an answer.

If you do want an answer, I'd look at his career plans. He doesn't seem so much hobby focused as career focused. Even his racing team is an engineering racing team. That's a networking opportunity. And he's already told you that when his first job hits, his flying is going to end with probably a lot of other hobbies. Honestly, it looks like you're at best a distant third on the list behind his career first and then his hobbies second.

But I don't know how much time you want to spend thinking about this because knowing why isn't really not going to change anything.

Meanwhile, I'd find a sleeping arrangement where he can't wake you up at 2am. He can't keep doing this.

Take care.

 

[merilenda]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Decodelighted absolutely hit the nail on the head. That is just the culmination of selfishness right there. It's not your fault, AP, and it's nothing you did! This man child doesn't even have the maturity to WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY before having a discussion with you. HE was awake, and it was a good time for HIM, so he decided to get you out of bed.

I'm sorry, but it makes me so angry for you! Stay strong and get some sleep. You will get through this, and you will be so much happier. We're here for you!

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Inkblot,
Thanks for choosing a username and thanks for finding your voice here. I'll buy YOU a drink! Because that is just the kind of story Advicepls needs to hear. And the kind of story that really helps folks see the forest through the trees. Maybe we can have one big ol' COCKTAIL PARTAY around here on move-out day.

And another one a few months later when Advicepls comes back with the inevitable "What was I THINKING?"/ "Can't believe I didn't end it sooner" post. (Not picking on you, Advicepls! It really does usually happen! And I'll be so happy for you & your new perspective/total *jettisonning* of the pain & doubt.)

 

[iota15]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

CUT SLINGLOAD!

Inkblot. I'm going to show your posts to a few friends who could use that push. Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you the best - by yourself, or with this new man.

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Here's the kicker: After I filed papers with a lawyer and decided how I wanted to divide assets, my ex returned from his business trip, sobbing, desperate to keep our marriage together. He said that it didn't matter if I filed for divorce. He would keep fighting for me, even if we had to start all over again with a 1st date and divorce papers between us. During his epiphany, all I could think about was "Why didn't he chase me 8 hours home? Why didn't I see his car tearing after me when I made it clear I was driving home to sever the cord on our lives as we know it?"

He didn't want me enough.

Moments of self-reflection stagger me, now that I'm removed from the situation. At 28, I'm the only one of my friends to experience such emotional/life upheaval, and I'm one of the youngest people I know who has been married, divorced, AND annulled. I should be a giant warning to other women out there who try to "save the relationship" when their partner is just NOT into it. Had I been "dating" or "cohabbing" with my ex, I would've walked flat out if I wasn't satisfied. Since we were married, I had a duty to force a square peg into a round hole. And the beginning of our relationship would put a Disney fairy tale to shame, it was THAT good. When I started dating again, my best friend I created a whole folder on Man Boy signals. They could have 2 Man Boy traits before they had to be eliminated from the dating list. No matter HOW much I liked a guy, if he exhibited more than 2 MB traits (like he doesn't have to help clean up after someone cooks for him; he still plays 3 hours of video games in his basement. Daily.), I had to cancel the next date. You would be surprised how many men don't realize their selfish qualities. I broke up with this one guy and he would NOT leave me alone until I told him why. I revealed the MB list, and he was shocked. It literally changed his life, because he couldn't figure out why he never got past a third date. We are raising an entire CULTURE of man boys. Without anyone forcing them to grow up, why would they?

Here are a few things from our old MB list:

1. Living with their parents after college for no reason.
2. Video games. 'Nough said.
3. A man who makes you be a designated driver on a date.
4. No career because "he's got time"
5. His "band" is his primary source of income
6. His mom/girlfriend/sister still packs his lunch
7. He thinks it's acceptable to attend a family function and not bring a hostess gift, cook, or help clean up.
8. They think gross body humor is impressive on date 1-3
9. They brag about the women they've been with
10. They still own a beer bong. Prominently displayed in their home.
11. They still decorate with empty beer/liquor bottles
12. They wear more accessories than you do.
13. Talking on the cell or txting when you're having a conversation.
14. Always eating at restaurants he enjoys, regardless of your tastes
15. Allows you to pay for things without reciprocation
16. Selfish in bed
17. Bad kissers=selfish. They care about what makes them feel good, not what makes you feel good
18. You're busy, they're watching TV, yet you're supposed to get them food/bring them a drink
19. They want an animal, but won't help discipline, scoop the yard, etc.
20. You can change a tire; he can't.

The list goes on and on and on!

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Inkblot, you are amazing. Thank you so much for posting your story!

I love the MB list. I may copy it/the idea and go over it with my friend B. She's a great girl, but she's a care taker and always attacts MBs and hopes they'll change.

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

CUT SLINGLOAD!

Inkblot. I'm going to show your posts to a few friends who could use that push. Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you the best - by yourself, or with this new man.

Help yourself. The good that came out of this was it made me strong. I mean, I was a tough cookie with very feministic views on dating before, but I became a downright terror in the dating world. I acted like a man when dating. If I didn't want to see someone anymore, I chose not to call them. I didn't give excuses. I shot straight from the hip. I didn't offer to pay on dates. I demanded respect. I wouldn't cater my needs to anyone. I was entirely independent, sometimes having more than one date per day with different guys. I didn't return phone calls until I felt good and ready. I wore what I wanted, walked with my head up, and ooooooozed confidence. During my dating phase post-divorce, I was pinning these helpless guys to my corkboard like dead butterflies. They didn't stand a chance.

And you know what? It helped me figure out what I want. My relationship now, with J, is flourishing because I'm so assertive. If I'm going to be nurturing, he knows my attention is a gift. He WANTS to return the affection, the love. He tries to make my life easier, and I do the same. But boy, did I make him WORK for it, hahaha. I refused to be "exclusive" for months (even though I wasn't seeing anyone else). I made him sweat it, I made him pursue me. We challenge each other, and I think every man deserves to know my story. I didn't try to "protect" the men I dated by being ashamed by what happened to me. What it did was not drive them away, but made them respect my strength. Plus, they knew I was NOT afraid of leaving, yet I would do everything I could to sustain the relationship.

I think that's what makes it work with J. He knows I'm with him not because I need to be, but because I want to be. He respects the fragility of the dynamic, and he spent months trying to earn my trust. I also stuck to a hard and fast rule to avoid sex unless I felt I was truly in love. That made a huge difference and also intrigued my pursuers. They knew I wasn't falling into bed with anyone unless they cut the mustard. It was a very powerful time in my life.

I thank God every day that I'm divorced. I swear. It sounds terrible, but I'm THANKFUL I didn't end up stuck with an a$$hole who made me feel inadequate or "wrong" all of the time. I'm thanking my lucky stars that I didn't try to "reconcile" once my XDH cheated on me. I married as a virgin, too. So there was a whole 'nother element of anger and betrayal there, especially since he slept with his tramp unprotected. Talk about SELFISH!

Ladies, I could go on for days. But I want AdvicePLS to read this and draw strength. You are going to fall in love again! You are going to date like mad! Men are going to beg to be in your company when you put out the vibe that you will NOT tolerate anything less than total respect and partnership. Stop being the nurturer for a second and take a hard look at the situation. Be a mirror. Give back EXACTLY what you get, and you will see that you're not getting anything. Nothing but heartache.

By the way, I'm home from work with strep today. I obviously have way too much time on my hands. Yay, internet!

Oh, and by the way. I did NOT give the ring back. That's how I found PriceScope to begin with. I had a 1.51 round brilliant, GIA, G color, SI1, Ex/Ex. I couldn't sell it back for the life of me. I eventually sold it for half of what I paid for it since the market sucks and DeBeers runs an extortion business, but I consider it "blood money." Or Vegas money. Ha.

 

[GamerGirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Inkblot - wow! thank you for posting. I love the idea of the MB list and hope I can be as assertive as you when I get back into the dating scene again. Know that your post has been inspirational not just for Advicepls but for all us ladies currently trying to get over and move forward from broken relationships. I'm glad I have been lurking over here and caught your story

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Inkblot - wow! thank you for posting. I love the idea of the MB list and hope I can be as assertive as you when I get back into the dating scene again. Know that your post has been inspirational not just for Advicepls but for all us ladies currently trying to get over and move forward from broken relationships. I'm glad I have been lurking over here and caught your story

Okay, so I just hopped my strep-throated self over to the single ladies thread and read it start to finish. Princesss and B.E.G. crack me up, and I read your story, GamerGirl, from start to finish in another thread.

I want to know what happened to this Man Boys. Is there a direct link or insight into why these MBs are so self-indulgent and selfish?
We are not alone.

CaseA: A coworker of mine was dating a guy seriously for 3 years. They went Paris in the summer. PARIS. She was getting a pair of dry socks out of his duffel bag in the hotel room and found a Blue Nile box with a 1 carat solitaire in it. She said they'd talked about marriage, she was on board, but right before their trip he had mentioned how he's not going to rush things. Confused, she put the box at the bottom of the bag and pretended she didn't see anything. The next day, the return from brunch at a lovely Parisian cafe and he puts the ring on the mattress and goes, "So I bought a ring." She thought, "Hmm, that's not a proposal" and he encouraged her to try it on. Seriously puzzled, she asked him that if he had a ring, why did he spent the time before their trip saying he wasn't ready to get married? He puts the ring back in the box, NEVER actually proposes, and they go on some tour. They fly home the next day, talk about their relationship on the plane, talk about marriage, etc. She comes to work on Monday, positively glowing about her trip that was only marred by a non-proposal. He sends her an email that afternoon, BREAKING UP WITH HER, telling her she's "not fun" and "not adventurous" enough, they're done. She's devastated and now on anti-depressants. WTH?!

CaseB: Another coworker has been with a military guy for 5 years. He's been discharged and they recently bought a house after cohabbing together for 2 years. He bought a ring, asked her input, told her pick out "her dream," as price was no object. Told her a winter proposal would be coming. Months passed. It's March. They're about to go out to dinner for her birthday and she's in the shower getting ready. He comes in while she's showering and tell her not to bother getting ready, they're not going out. Excited, she thought the proposal was coming. He said, "Look, I know I bought the ring, but I just don't see you as wife material. I'm going to film school in L.A. or New York, and I just don't see you fitting in there. I love you, but this town is too small for me. I need adventure." They're done, she's a mess.

Then there's my case. And GamerGirl's case. AdvicePLS's case. What is the deal with the ManBoy and his "need for adventure"?

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

In the Man Boy dictionary "adventure" means "a variety of p***y".

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

In the Man Boy dictionary "adventure" means "a variety of p***y".

Decoded, my dear...your blunt honesty is priceless! I just spit water all over my monitor!

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

In the Man Boy dictionary "adventure" means "a variety of p***y".

Agreed. I have a man boy story as well, as I'm sure a lot of us do. My man boy decided that he didn't want to be in a relationship...because he had basically been in one relationship or another for 10 years without a break. This was after I had moved long-distance for him (TWICE!!). After I had helped him get his degree (I took online classes for him while he was in Iraq). Looking back, I'm such an idiot. And there were SO many signs. I can't even count the number of times he told me I wasn't fun or I was boring. Um, yeah, I have a full-time job and you're a student...I can't stay out until 3 in the morning on a week night.

Where was I going with this....Oh, yeah. So about 3.7 seconds after we break up he starts dating someone else. He was with her for a year and a half or so....and then broke up with her...AFTER she moved across the country with him.

So in this case, "adventure" and "wanting someone fun" means "wanting someone to do whatever I want, and if they start to slack, I'll break up with them...regardless of sacrifices they've made for me."

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Today was hard. We'd already decided, but today was the day that we officially submitted our non-renewal notice to the office. It still doesn't feel like this is really happening.

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Today was hard. We'd already decided, but today was the day that we officially submitted our non-renewal notice to the office. It still doesn't feel like this is really happening.

GIANT HUG!

That non-renewal is sad, but it is a clear indicator that you are strong, and you are not going to flail about in a relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs.

It won't feel like it's really happening for awhile. When I started taking steps to extricate myself from XDH, my personal mantra was, "I can't believe this is happening." I packed suitcases, loaded cars, cleaned out my kitchen supplies, and organized boxes with that affirmation on a constant loop in my mind. What you're feeling is a very normal, yet devastating, part of the process.

Major props to you for getting the ball rolling. Pretty soon you'll be painting your new apartment and singing, "I can't believe this is happening!" with a grin, a drippy paint roller in your hand, your pets wriggling, and the taste of freedom on your tongue.

Note: If freedom tastes like paint, you're getting too enthusiastic.

 

[FrekeChild]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Note: If freedom tastes like paint, you're getting too enthusiastic.

LMAO!

You'll be ok. It'll be a while before you feel like it, but it will happen! We'll be here for you until then and after that!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

This too shall pass.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have read every word of this thread multiple times. I appreciate the outpouring of love, support, encouragement and community. I know that things will eventually get better even if things don't work out for us in time (which at this point, I'm not expecting). It's just so.hard.

Things are really awkward right now. I'm trying to hold it together and be strong. I know in the end, if I'm as important to him as he says I am, he will make time for me and we will figure this out. If not, so be it - it's not worth saving if he's not willing to fight for it. I know him like the back of my hand and I know that he ALWAYS makes time for things that are important to him regardless of how busy he is with things he has to do. If I am important to him, he will make time for me. Time will tell.

On a brighter note, I weighed myself this morning and am down about 8 pounds...my friends told me I'm on the Breakup Diet, hah. I'll be back in my skinny clothes before I know it.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

*big hugs*

 

[Seattle SC]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I know in the end, if I'm as important to him as he says I am, he will make time for me and we will figure this out. If not, so be it - it's not worth saving if he's not willing to fight for it. I know him like the back of my hand and I know that he ALWAYS makes time for things that are important to him regardless of how busy he is with things he has to do. If I am important to him, he will make time for me. Time will tell.

This right here. You said it and don't forget it. Reading everything you've said up to this point, I think you've figured this out and time will tell whether he's truely selfish or just a foolish boy.

And I wouldn't call it a breakup diet, instead call it a "new item's coming to the menu" diet.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Question: Should I...

(1)...live alone in a 1/1? This scenario affords me the opportunity to get a reasonably nice 1/1 by myself and have enough to save 400-600/month with a little (say around 100) left for "fun" money.

OR

(2)...get a roommate in a 2/2. This scenario lets me get a reasonably nice 2/2 with one other person which would allow me to save 1,000-1,200/month with a bit more flexibility for "fun" money.

My practical side is screaming at me to get a roommate, save a crap ton of money over the next year or two, be able to write a check for student loan debt in full within 18 months and be able to afford a new car in the 2 years instead of the next 4+...

My selfish side is making me consider living alone since it's something I've never done. Financially speaking, I can afford to get a 1/1, but with the amount I could afford to save, it'll be closer to 3 1/2 years before I could save enough to pay off my loans and a little longer before a new car would be in the picture. So the 2/2 is pretty darn tempting.

My loans are from my undergrad only and are all subsidized. They are in deferrment untli I finish school in the next 3 years (+ the 6 months grace period post graduation) and are not accruing any interest. It has always been my dream to be able to pay them off in full, interest free, by the time I finish so that it was essentilaly same as cash. Either option allows me the chance to do just that - just more quickly with the roommate option.

The kicker: I didn't really have a roommate option on the table. Someone approached me with the idea and I think I could live with this pereson pretty easily as we get along great. The issue (or maybe non-issue, I'm not really sure) is that it's a guy, and said guy is a friend of BF (albeit not great friend, but friend nonetheless). This guy and I hang out as regularly (or maybe more) than BF and friend do, and definitely have a friendship separate from my relationship. I don't know if this would be awkward or not since friend would be still seeing BF regularly for school related things even if BF and I break up entirely in the next few months. I see friend and I maintaining a friendship either way. There would be absolutly zero concern of friend and I ever having any relationship other than a friendship (he's a bit younger than I am, not each other's types, among other things, so definitley no worries here).

Some good things about this option with friend, is that he is going to be out of town for a summer internship and wouldn't be moving in until sometime in mid-late August. I'll be getting settled in mid-June so I'll have plenty of time to get it all set up just the way I want (he said he couldn't care less what I do with the place ) so all he'd have to do is set up his own room. This will also give me some to adjust not living with BF while not becoming dependent on a roommate for attention, lonliness, etc.

So, what do you think I should do?