Being a lawyer and a mother

[MissStepcut]

Continuing from the 24 hour thread, I am looking for advice, warnings, stories and anecdotes about being a lawyer and a mom at the same time.

My story: I'm a second year student, due halfway through 3L. I'll be pregnant during my summer associate gig (at a large-to-midsize firm 1.5 hours away from NY by Acela). The father will be starting at a mega firm in NY in September. I also have a FMIL who works part time right now, is very excited, and already agreed to spend 3-4 days a week with me, helping with the baby. She and I get along quite well, though I know the baby may change that, right now, no underlying problems. We also have an ample childcare budget.

But, I am not just looking for advice narrowly about my situation! I would love to hear about women who have successfully managed the firm + baby thing, ones who downshifted, really anything that can help me understand what all we're up against

 

[NovemberBride]

Miss Stepcut,

First off - congratulations! I am a lawyer and a mother of one (soon to be two)! I did not have my first child until I went in house after my fifth year of practice at two mega firms (one in NYC, on in Philly). Even as an in-house lawyer, it is very hard to do both. My hours are much better than at a firm (I work 9:30-6:30 on average), but since my 2 year old goes to bed at 8:30, I still don't get much time with her during the week. I also do transactional work, so if I have a deal closing I might work till midnight for a week. But, I love being a mom and I love being a lawyer, so I wouldn't trade it for the world.

To be perfectly honest, I think your situation is going to be very, very difficult. As I am sure you know, your DH will be working extremely long hours as a junior associate and the firm is not likely to offer him the flexibility that they would afford a more senior associate who already had proven him/herself. I do not actually know anyone who had kids as first or second year associates at either of my firms. It will likely be the same for you if you are working at a large firm. Is there any chance you could end up in the same city? You are both likely to work a lot of weekends as junior associates, so if you are in different cities you could go weeks without seeing each other. Also, I was extremely sleep-deprived as a junior associate and I was extremely sleep-deprived as a new mother. I can't imagine doing both at the same time and especially without DH around to help.

On a positive note, it is great that your MIL is willing to help you. I think you will need a nanny on the other days you work, as I don't know of any daycares that are open the hours you would need as a junior associate.

I am sorry if this post seems negative, I would never discourage someone from starting out at a big firm, I think it is great experience and has opened a lot of doors for me (I would never have gotten this job without working at the firms I did), but in your situation I would think long and hard about the practical realities of you and DH both working as junior associates at big firms with a very young child. I think it is doable with a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but the question is whether that is the life that you want.

 

[MissStepcut]

NovemberBride,

It might be possible that I could move. First, I need to do my summer and get an offer. But then, does it really make sense for me to go to a large NYC firm with a baby? I'm just not sure. I think the firm I'm at now is more family-friendly, but I will suspend judgment until I get to my summer. NYC is farther from my MIL than my firm city. Plus, I am not sure I would be able to get an NYC firm job. 3L recruiting is a long shot.

Right now SO is trying to get an alum clerkship so he can help more/take over during my first year. If he does, it would be 1.5 hours from me in the other direction (in DC, doing Fed Circuit). Obviously that's not guaranteed (though with his credentials he has a fair shot).

 

[NovemberBride]

Miss Stepcut,

No, I would not suggest going to a big NYC firm with a baby. I was thinking more along the lines of what your SO is considering, that one of you consider a clerkship, a job at a smaller firm or a government job. Not that any of those jobs is "easy", but in terms of pure hours, they will be less demanding than biglaw. As I am sure you know, Biglaw can require a lot of sacrifice on the spouse's part. The problem I see here is that you would both be in biglaw so neither of you would be in a position to do the sacrificing. Having your MIL will be a big help, but if you both were to end up in biglaw jobs, I think you would want to strongly consider having someone live in with you for childcare. This is a pretty typical scenario for a junior associate: At 5 pm on a Friday, a senior associate or partner shows up at your desk and tells you a big deal/case just came in and they need all hands on deck for the weekend. If your DH is in NYC and MIL is not in your city, and maybe she's just gone home after being there M-Th and daycare closes at 6, what are you going to do?

Again, I don't mean to be a downer, just trying to help you think through the possible scenarios and how to plan in advance for them.

 

[MissStepcut]

Yep, I see your point and it's definitely helpful. Since SO is going into transactional stuff, your experience is definitely relevant, too. I don't mind having someone full time, especially while we both get that early experience that opens doors. Maybe we could find a combined MIL/4 day a week nanny thing. I was planning on living in Philly, and it seems to have a decent "nanny market."

 

[missy]

MissStepCut, I have no advice to offer but just wanted to say congratulations on all the exciting upcoming events in your life!
I also want to say that being a young mom has some major advantages so that is something to feel happy about as well. Best of luck!!

 

[Loves Vintage]

MissStepcut - Congratulations! I never worked at a big firm, so don't think I can offer much advice in that regard. I worked at medium sized firm in a small city. None of the associates had kids. I went to law school at night. Two of my classmates had babies in our third year. They also both worked full-time, so it's doable, but it will be tough! I now work in-house two days per week, work an additional 10 or so from home, and spend the rest of my time with my one year old. Life is pretty sweet right now.

Thoughts and questions:

Do you plan to tell your summer firm that you're expecting?

Is your FMIL willing to move wherever you do?

Will you be able to take a few weeks off from school to recover and spend time with the baby?

I'm hesitant to say it, but it is certainly possible that your career goals may change after having the baby? Have you given any thought to that possibility?

 

[winternight]

I moved from a legal job with the gov't to biglaw right after having my daughter last year. Literally, I was on maternity leave. My husband is also in biglaw. Challenging? Yes. But very worth it. We have an amazing nanny and we manage to juggle, checking in each day to see who leaves to be home first. Both of our firms are very reasonable and many people here have kids - and other working spouses. You probably don't want a firm full of men with stay at home wives. Financially having both spouses work gives us so much security and let's face it the legal profession is very difficult to take a break from or work part-time without taking a career hit. We also live close to our jobs and have someone clean the apartment on a schedule. Things that give us more time together. Best of luck!!

 

[MissStepcut]

@Missy thanks

@Loves Vintage... that schedule sounds amazing.

I assume I will have to tell my firm, since I will be showing by late summer. My OCS suggested I do tell... what do you think?

FMIL lives in DC and can be pretty mobile for a few days at a time.

I have a whole semester to recover and bond and stuff, since I've been gunning credits like mad, because I didn't want to be away from SO during my 3L/his first year.

I have no idea what will happen to my goals, but right now I am not feeling like compromising my career at all. I know that can change.

@winternight: very encouraging, thank you!

 

[Octavia]

I don't have kids yet, and I and most of my law school friends have gone into government or alternative careers, so take what I say with a grain of salt...

First, based on your due date, are you going to be able to complete your semester? I would imagine you're due right around finals -- is your school willing to work with you on getting everything done? If the timing is going to make things too difficult, are you able (and willing) to put off graduation for a semester or year? Where I went to school, the general consensus was that it's far less damaging to your career to take time off while in school (for whatever reason, not limited to having kids) than to do it after graduation. It might not be an option for your particular situation, but it's something to think about.

Next, I imagine you'll be showing by the end of the summer, so I guess you will have to tell your firm. One of the women I knew who had a baby during law school was also in that position and she 1) got an offer, and 2) was able to defer it for a year (she was the one who took a full year off school). But not all firms are that flexible, so I think it really depends on the particular culture at yours. Does your firm give offers to pretty much all its summers who do a good job, or are you expected to battle it out with the other summers for a limited number of full-time positions?

Sorry this is just things to think about rather than actual advice. I am confident that you and your SO will figure everything out, though.

ETA: just saw that you posted while I was typing, and answered a bunch of my questions already!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I'm not in law, I'm in medicine, but dual doc relationships have similar challenges in terms of time restrictions. I'm lucky that my parents are retired and are happy to be live in nannies if I ask. In general from the couples I've talked to, having live in or extremely dependable and flexible child care is crucial. Honestly though, in the end it seemed like it wasn't so much about affording things financially or the time tables per se since with enough discipline and quality help, any schedule can be accommodated. It seemed more a question of how much time away from their kid seemed fair and reasonable. Something that in general weighs more heavily on women for various social and biological reasons. And it ends up being less a question of "Can I do it" and more of a "Do I want to do it? Is it worth it to me?" And of course thats a personal question. I know I sometimes wonder if I get pregnant during my residency, if it will weigh on me to be at work knowing that I'm potentially missing first words and first steps. If I'll have heartache to see my baby feel more connected to my mom than to me since I'm not home as much. I don't think I'll regret it if it happens since I'm really happy to be at work and love what I do, and to be brutally honest, I'm not very sentimental lol. But I've heard that these feelings can change once you're holding your child. My husband thinks I'll turn to mush and want to stay home. But I think if you really love your field and it's your dream, and you're ok with lots I stress with often little tangible reward then I'm sure you'll find a way. I know married surgical residents who pulled it off despite both sleeping at the hospital at least every four nights and having days that start at 5 am and go past 8, with no concept of weekends. The OR is where they love being though, and they support each other with help from family and are dead tired but happy with the balance.

Anyways, if you do end up in Philly I'll be happy to show you around jewelers row! And we have the same ring size. Bwahaha.
And congrats on the baby!

 

[MissStepcut]

Octavia: my school is very accommodating of pregnancy. Most of my classmates are late 20s (and I live in Chicago... I bet it's easy to guess my school, haha) so the school has been through this before and is really accommodating. Maybe they'll let me take the 2 exams I'll need next semester later, or maybe I can get them done sooner.

According to NALP, everyone at my firm got an offer. I am not sure how much I can extrapolate from that, but I don't at all have the impression they intend to no-offer anyone. I don't know if pregnancy would get in the way of that. I just have no idea.

 

[Octavia]

Octavia: my school is very accommodating of pregnancy. Most of my classmates are late 20s (and I live in Chicago... I bet it's easy to guess my school, haha) so the school has been through this before and is really accommodating. Maybe they'll let me take the 2 exams I'll need next semester later, or maybe I can get them done sooner.

According to NALP, everyone at my firm got an offer. I am not sure how much I can extrapolate from that, but I don't at all have the impression they intend to no-offer anyone. I don't know if pregnancy would get in the way of that. I just have no idea.

Glad to hear that your school will be accommodating! I think most are, but you never know.

Regarding offers, I think that if everyone usually gets an offer, you're in a much better position. I was in law school when the bottom fell out of the legal market, so it was common for firms to decide between OCI and the summer that, even though they had 15 summers, they would only be making 10 offers. I think a lot of that has settled down now, fortunately. And it would be a whole lot harder for a firm to give offers to everyone except the pregnant woman than to give offers to 2/3 of the summers and the pregnant woman just happened to be in the other 1/3, KWIM? We all know it shouldn't be a factor, but that doesn't mean it's not...so I'm glad you probably won't have the latter of those scenarios to deal with.

Regarding living/working -- I think your plan is probably doable for the summer, but I'm not sure I would live in Philly and commute on a long-term basis. The train is not very reliable, especially with the hours you'll be working, and traffic can be horrendous (it can also be a breeze, but it's a total crapshoot which you're going to get on any given day). Summer Fridays are usually not pretty, though, so be forewarned.

 

[MissStepcut]

Regarding living/working -- I think your plan is probably doable for the summer, but I'm not sure I would live in Philly and commute on a long-term basis. The train is not very reliable, especially with the hours you'll be working, and traffic can be horrendous (it can also be a breeze, but it's a total crapshoot which you're going to get on any given day). Summer Fridays are usually not pretty, though, so be forewarned.

I actually was thinking the reverse, summer in WIlmington, long-term commuting. Traffic or no, I don't feel safe there.

 

[Octavia]

Regarding living/working -- I think your plan is probably doable for the summer, but I'm not sure I would live in Philly and commute on a long-term basis. The train is not very reliable, especially with the hours you'll be working, and traffic can be horrendous (it can also be a breeze, but it's a total crapshoot which you're going to get on any given day). Summer Fridays are usually not pretty, though, so be forewarned.

I actually was thinking the reverse, summer in WIlmington, long-term commuting. Traffic or no, I don't feel safe there.

Totally understandable, I wouldn't either. I guess you'll often be commuting outside of the peak hours so you might be okay. If you live in Center City, it's about a 45-min drive each way under optimal conditions, so it's just something to consider. I definitely don't think it's possible unless you have live-in help for the baby, though.

 

[iheartscience]

Regarding living/working -- I think your plan is probably doable for the summer, but I'm not sure I would live in Philly and commute on a long-term basis. The train is not very reliable, especially with the hours you'll be working, and traffic can be horrendous (it can also be a breeze, but it's a total crapshoot which you're going to get on any given day). Summer Fridays are usually not pretty, though, so be forewarned.

I actually was thinking the reverse, summer in WIlmington, long-term commuting. Traffic or no, I don't feel safe there.

Don't feel safe where? In Philly? What neighborhoods have you been to? Philly's just like any other city-some good neighborhoods, some not so good.

Re: the commuter rail, ditto Octavia-it is very unreliable. I certainly wouldn't want to count on it to get you to a job that you're hoping will turn into a full time offer. I took it for about 6 months and I can't tell you how many times it was cancelled entirely or late for no reason whatsoever. If you don't want to live in the city, you might want to consider living in a suburb of Philly where you can drive in to work if necessary.

(And disregard this if you're talking about living in Philly and commuting to Wilmington!)

 

[Octavia]

Re: the commuter rail, ditto Octavia-it is very unreliable. I certainly wouldn't want to count on it to get you to a job that you're hoping will turn into a full time offer. I took it for about 6 months and I can't tell you how many times it was cancelled entirely or late for no reason whatsoever. If you don't want to live in the city, you might want to consider living in a suburb of Philly where you can drive in to work if necessary.

(And disregard this if you're talking about living in Philly and commuting to Wilmington!)

Thing2, my favorite was one 72 degree June morning, sun shining brightly and not a cloud in the sky, when I was waiting for my train and the loudspeaker came on to tell us it was delayed up to 30 minutes "due to...weather related reasons." Umm, yeah. Try again, SEPTA.

I do think MissS was talking about living in Philly and commuting to DE, from what I recall of one of her previous threads. I get wanting to live in the city, but I personally think I'd go batty with the commute. I hated driving from CC to Cherry Hill (well, going there wasn't so bad but coming back was rotten), and that was a comparatively short and easy commute.

 

[decodelighted]

What about the kid? Sounds like he/she's going to be raised by nannies & relatives for the first five+ years? I'm so overwhelmed by this scenario I don't think I can even post about it anymore. But that's cool because I have no relevant experience. I'm afraid I would be making a very different decision in your situation anyway.

 

[MissStepcut]

Yup, I was talking about commuting to Wilmington from Philly. I didn't find downtown Wilmington, or the area around my firm, to be a very comforting place, in terms of safety.

@Deco I agree that it's far from ideal. The baby was not planned. SO and I will be a cumulative $350k in student loan debt, so even if I were willing to give up my years of hard work towards becoming a lawyer, not working is not an option.

 

[decodelighted]

@Deco I agree that it's far from ideal. The baby was not planned. SO and I will be a cumulative $350k in student loan debt, so even if I were willing to give up my years of hard work towards becoming a lawyer, not working is not an option.

Working isn't what I'd be giving up. If you know what I mean. Just being real!

Re: Delaware -- there are def safer places way closer than Philly! Have you researched the area? I think you are being very unrealistic when it comes to how exhausting/impossible the combination of pregnancy, working, commuting, caring for yourself & the child will be. Taking on something unnecessary like a long commute in the midst of a hurricane? Unwise, IMHO. What about doctors appointments of if there's a sudden illness? You want to get to the child FAST. No matter who is watching them. I dunno. I hope more experienced moms weigh in here STRONGLY.

 

[monkeyprincess]

MissStepCut, I don't have any been there done that advice for you because I am only 9 weeks pregnant myself, but I do work at a large law firm in a mid-sized city. To be honest, I don't think I will have what it takes to succeed here for very long after I become a mother. I just can’t see putting in all of these hours and dealing with all of the BS if it means missing out on so much of my baby’s life. I’m just not that committed and am much more family-oriented. In fact, I was job searching for an in-house position while trying to conceive, but just didn’t have any luck. I clerked for two federal judges for my first 4 years out of school, and those jobs would have been a lot better for a young mother (other than the traveling), but they were term-limited, so here I am. Also, nearly all of my female friends from law school that started off in law firms and subsequently became mothers are no longer working at their firms.

That said, there are women who do it. I know of two other female associates in the litigation department at my firm who have had babies this past year. One of them seems pretty frazzled a lot of the time, but the other one really seems to have it together. I get a lot of late night or early morning emails from both of them on the cases we are on together, which leads me to believe they are having to make up hours, but they are both managing. I think a lot of it depends on the partners you will be working with. My group is difficult, and I’m pretty confident that when I announce my pregnancy, they are going to think less of me and that it will damage my already tenuous relationship with some of them. There are other partners that I know will be very supportive of me, but unfortunately they are not in my group and are not my direct superiors. I’m waiting to make sure that everything looks good with the baby before I tell anyone at work.

Congratulations and good luck to you. If you are committed, I am sure you will make it work.

 

[MissStepcut]

monkeyprincess, SO is applying for clerkships right now and I probably will try to get one starting after his ends. Glad to hear our intuition is right, and that it would make things easier. We have family able to help in about half the circuits so we'll see how much gap that can close.

 

[Jennifer W]

Octavia: my school is very accommodating of pregnancy. Most of my classmates are late 20s (and I live in Chicago... I bet it's easy to guess my school, haha) so the school has been through this before and is really accommodating. Maybe they'll let me take the 2 exams I'll need next semester later, or maybe I can get them done sooner.

According to NALP, everyone at my firm got an offer. I am not sure how much I can extrapolate from that, but I don't at all have the impression they intend to no-offer anyone. I don't know if pregnancy would get in the way of that. I just have no idea.

Hey, congratulations on your pregnancy. Mine wasn't entirely planned either, in that while we were TTC, we did expect it could take a couple of years, rather than a couple of hours.... end result for me was that I was finishing my law school dissertation between contractions, and I had to take my very last exam with the re-sit diet, taking breaks every hour to feed a rather poorly baby. Still, we got there, and it was very cool to have my little girl at my graduation, then again at my post-grad graduation ceremony a couple of years later.

I don't actually start my law career until September - it took me a while to find the job I want. So, my kid is a bit older. I don't know how I would have managed with a tiny baby, but I would have found a way - you will too. I think the main difference for me is that I'm not interested in biglaw, and my husband isn't a lawyer. I will be working at an office with a daycare, though. Is that likely for you or your DH? It does make a difference to be on-site, especially if something comes up at 5pm, so you aren't stressed about getting across town to pick up your child before daycare closes.

However it goes, it will be ok - you'll find a way, even if it isn't what you foresaw when you started law school.

Good luck!

eta, if you have a stack of books on delict by your bed in the delivery suite, you will make a lot of people nervous and uncomfortable. It took me a while to figure this out, and they were happier when I told them I was studying for an exam...

 

[Clairitek]

I don't have anything to add to the lawyer/mother discussion but I will comment on commuting from the Philly area to Delaware. It. Is. Not. Fun. I drove or rode in someone else's car from just west of Philly to Newark 5x a week for 2.5 years. Sometimes the traffic was BRUTAL and sometimes a breeze but overall, it was pretty cruddy. For your sanity, I highly recommend looking into some of the other areas in DE that aren't in the sketchy parts of Wilmington.

I went to University of Delaware so I'm pretty familiar with the area and can reach out to others if you need help. You can contact me through my DB listings if you wish. Same username as my PS one.

Best of luck to you as you go through this trying time and for a healthy pregnancy!

 

[sillyberry]

I'm not going to lie -- my first five months in biglaw have been, um, time consuming. It's not everyday, and it even started out slow, but I've been working on a matter with a compressed timetable and have worked everyday straight for over a month. Last weekend before our Monday filing I was in the office until 5:30am, 3:30am, and 6:00am, returning at 9:00am Monday morning for a conference call. It can be brutal. I love that I work with great, humane people and do really awesome work, but that can't change that there are clients who expect certain things from you and sometimes those expectations burn you down. I took today off (my mom is in town) and spent a big chunk of it working (including ducking into starbucks for wifi so I could make edits on a document).

I feel bad that my cats are so neglected.

You also mention having an ample childcare budget. Remember, you're paying high-taxes, two rents (one of those in NYC), and student loans. The salary sounds great, but at least for me, I know my saving plan hasn't gone nearly as well as I expected.

I was talking to a counsel (so, 6th or 7th year) the other day about her schedule -- she got pregnant in her fifth year. She is in the office early, generally leaves by 6:30pm and is off-line until 9:00pm, then works for several more hours. Her husband has a regular schedule where he is home by 6pm everyday to relieve the nanny (who works 50 hours/week and is a giant chunk of their salary). She travels a lot, too, and I know how hard her schedule is on her.

To be blunt, I would recommend that either you or your FI reconsider your plans. I think you're going to want all hands on deck, so to speak, so either (1) being in different cities or (2) both working at law firms would be challenging. Doing both seems insane. First, I would figure out how to be in the same city. Look into government jobs (federal, state, city), small law firms, any and all clerkships at courts of all level. Maybe not as "glamorous" as biglaw (which in reality is no way glamorous), but hopefully a way to work it out for the first few years.

I swear I am not trying to be a downer. I truly feel for you. I really do think as a couple your expectations need to adjust, though. Please take care of yourself and the best of luck.

 

[Pandora II]

I wish you luck.

We get a years maternity leave in the UK and even so, I know SO many women who had careers in government, with major law firms etc who were adamant that they would juggle both. Out of 7 of them, only one doesn't now work part-time and most of them would happily become SAHM.

For a lot of people, not all, but a lot, they find their priorities change massively after having a baby and they just can't deal with extreme separation, or with the feeling that they are a) missing out massively on their child's earliest years and b) that the child is missing out of having parents that they have enough quality time with.

Above all I would worry about the sheer exhaustion - sleep deprivation isn't a form of torture for nothing. I had a traumatic time having DD and six weeks PP I was still pretty unwell and just about coping - even getting dressed was a big achievement.

You won't know until the baby is here how you will deal and I hope for your sake that you are one of those who does feel happy going back to a high-octane career path and having a lot of childcare.

ETA: I am not judging in anyway, I'm just saying to be aware that you may be shocked with how you may feel. I know I was - I'd always said I'd need a full-time nanny as I didn't 'do' kids... turned out I couldn't bear to be apart from her.

 

[MissStepcut]

Thanks everyone who chimed in. We have a lot to think about. To clarify about the post-birth exhaustion, for the 10 months after my due date I have precious few demands on me. I realize that having a child is exhausting well after that, but that's one thing that makes it less awful. Right after that, SO will almost certainly start a clerkship with hopefully regular hours. So that will get us almost to 2. From there, we'll both have somewhat more geographical flexibility, so I guess we'll worry about that when there are decisions to make. Particularly about commuting.

Sillyberry, thanks for sharing your biglaw experience. One thing I will be looking for this summer at my firm is how demanding the hours really are. I am under the impression that it's not as demanding as DC Vault-ranked firms are, but we will find out. As for finances, I do hear what you're saying, but with two biglaw salaries, 3-4 days a week of MIL and, well, necessity, I don't think it will be a huge problem.

I guess the biggest question is the one that has been raised, about if my priorities will dramatically change after the baby comes. I don't know the answer to that. I can't even conceive of it right now.

 

[rainwood]

I have to echo Sillyberry. It would be hard just having that much school debt. It would be hard having both of you in Big Law at the same time. It would be hard working in Big Law in two different cities. It would be hard working in Big Law as a new mother. Put all of those together though and it will be ridiculously difficult. My guess is that something will have to give and probably early on.

Big Law is not family-friendly. No matter what hiring people tell you, it's not. And I say that as someone who was in West Coast Big Law for over 20 years and in firm management. The nature of the work can be all-consuming and it does not get better with time. First, you have the demands from partners and senior associates. That's a lot. If you move up and make partner, the demands come direct from clients and with all the modern technology, that can be 24/7. Some practices are more manageable than others, but that's only relative. Litigation and transactional work are notorious for having long, unpredictable hours so if you plan to go into either of those fields, your schedule is never your own. I don't know how many nights, weekends, and vacations had to be changed or canceled because something came up and I didn't even have kids to worry about, just my husband and everyone else who was important to me.

Taking a clerkship for a year or two helps in the short term, but the long-term issues will still be there. If Big Law is where you have to be, you need to be in or very near the same city. Long-distance commuting is NOT feasible except for the summer associate job. You also need to have child car that can extend past 5 or 6 or 7, p.m., regardless of whether it's family. A live-in nanny works best but is pricey. You have to pay the salary but also provide room and board for another person.

I'm sorry to be Debbie Downer too but that's the reality. Here's what I'd suggest you do. While you're clerking this summer, find out how many associates work part-time and go talk to them confidentially. Many firms have a part-time policy, but few are happy with it and many aren't willing to use it for fear of being written off. The full-timers resent the part-times or think they aren't committed. The compensation can be an issue because you have so much overhead to cover that many part-timers end up working 40 or 50 hours (which is not most people's definition of part-timea) and at a lot lower compensation. But most folks aren't willing to take much parental leave or go P'T because, frankly, associates are considered fungible, especially in Big Law, especially in NYC Big Law, and especially now with a glut of law school graduates. If you're clerking this summer at a firm that turns out be have a good parental leave and P/T program, then consider yourself lucky and see what you can do to stay there. But not if that means a long-distance commute for someone. That's just not going to work.

I wish I could be more upbeat, but I think it's more important to be realistic. You've got a tough path in front of you.

 

[Jennifer W]

I wish you luck.

We get a years maternity leave in the UK and even so, I know SO many women who had careers in government, with major law firms etc who were adamant that they would juggle both. Out of 7 of them, only one doesn't now work part-time and most of them would happily become SAHM.

For a lot of people, not all, but a lot, they find their priorities change massively after having a baby and they just can't deal with extreme separation, or with the feeling that they are a) missing out massively on their child's earliest years and b) that the child is missing out of having parents that they have enough quality time with.

Above all I would worry about the sheer exhaustion - sleep deprivation isn't a form of torture for nothing. I had a traumatic time having DD and six weeks PP I was still pretty unwell and just about coping - even getting dressed was a big achievement.

You won't know until the baby is here how you will deal and I hope for your sake that you are one of those who does feel happy going back to a high-octane career path and having a lot of childcare.

ETA: I am not judging in anyway, I'm just saying to be aware that you may be shocked with how you may feel. I know I was - I'd always said I'd need a full-time nanny as I didn't 'do' kids... turned out I couldn't bear to be apart from her.

I would point out (perhaps unnecessarily) that there is a middle way. It might not be the career path of first choice, but nor does it have to be all or nothing. I don't know any SAHMs in real life, and I know a lot of lawyers, so it can be done and done well. The former Lord Advocate for Scotland, our highest legal office, has two children, for example. From what I know of her, she seems to be a really great mother as well as an inspirational lawyer.

There are compromise positions whereby neither work nor family life dominate overwhelmingly. It strikes me that most men can find this balance. The families I know where both parents have careers seem to support that balance by a very equal division of responsibility and where neither's career takes precedence over the other's.

edited for spelling

 

[onedrop]

A friend of mine from law school was in a similar same situation to yours, MissStepCut. She found herself pregnant I believe during the last part of 2L and into 3L. If I remember the sequence of events correctly, she did finish up law school with the rest of our class, but she put off taking the bar exam for at least a year afterward. I am not sure if she was ever interested in working in Big Law, but I do know that her career plans were significantly altered due to the timing of her pregnancy. It seems to me a lot of the change was due to logistics, but a lot of it was also the need for her to have quality time with her baby. She is now practicing, but it took her a while to actually take the bar after graduation and she ending up taking a less taxing legal position in municipal government so that she'd have time for her family.

I wrote about my friend's experience just to give you a different perspective. I do agree with rainwood and sillyberry about the hardships that are likely to come going into Big Law given your potential commute, very long hours, and separation from your S.O. It's not to say that what you want is not attainable, but it just all seems like a LOT to manage with only so many hours in the day! I am just worried that you'd be so overwhelmed with everything you'll be juggling. On the other hand, I don't like to be a dream crusher, and so if you feel that you have all your ducks in a row and really good support system around you, then go for it in Big Law. I will say this though, there is no shame in altering your plans if the original or accepted path doesn't work for you. Good luck with everything!