shape
carat
color
clarity

At what point does the giving party get a say?

MaximusFS|1380066816|3526683 said:
Wow, perhaps I overstated. If she had said she still liked a halo after viewing both, we would have gotten a halo.

Jeez! I stand by having the ability to have input. She has input on what she buys for me and what I buy for myself. Why is this any different?!

No I understood what you meant. And I'm glad to hearore of the voters perspective! :wavey: I think toured was just an instance of talking it out, like others have said.
 
Honestly the part that really gets me are the guys (my friends, posters on ps, whoever) that are SO SURE of what their SO wants they pick out everything, so extremely proud of themselves for just KNOWING what she wants, then later on they come back on PS trying to figure out what to do because their GF hates the ring. I swear I should have a permanent red mark on my forehead from all the smacks I have given myself.

One of my best friends from HS just got engaged. Her boyfriend asked my advice on a diamond and I gave him some ideas. She and her BF have been living together about 7 months and while they never went ring shopping together she dropped hints to what she liked and showed him some pictures. She wanted a very classic 1 ct MRB solitaire with tapered cathedral shoulders. Easy right?! Her BF pretty much said thanks for my help but he knew exactly what she would love. She ended up getting a D, SI2 with black carbon spots .75ct princess in a halo with a pink surprise stone!!! :eek: She said she cried after he proposed for hours after he left because she just hated it. I know this is an extreme case but it is on my nerves as the last month we have been trying to figure out what to do with this ring that she really hates. While I do like her FI a part of me just wants to say, “this is really not a good sign for starting off a marriage…”


And on that note....vent over! :oops:
 
missy|1380066004|3526676 said:
However there are some gifts that have sentimental value attached to them (like an ER or WB) and in that case perhaps the opinion of the giver matters a bit more than under other circumstances. Though it does not outweigh the opinion of the wearer of said ring since she/he will be wearing that ring every single day and it should be something they enjoy wearing.

I 100% agree with this. An engagement ring is not a car or a bowl or a sweater. Fortunately my fiancee and I have similar taste, but I would be disappointed if she fell in love with, and insisted on, something that I thought was God awful. I think we should both like every piece of OUR wedding set, including her liking my wedding band.
 
Msop he knows in a few years I have an asscher emerald coming my way as a RHR that was the compromise... I'm grateful for what I have and I truly do love it, it just irks me when people do this about anything!
 
I didn't have much of a choice as my husband's cousin is Helene Fortunoff . So when my husband was born Helene gave his mom (at cost) a one carat pear shape solitaire for when he got married.

I enter the picture 27 years later and he gave me the ring and I got to pick out the setting. Five years later I got my 1.66 trillion stone and 22 years later I wear my mom's emerald cut which my husband is fine with (mom passed away from breast cancer.)

But neither or my first cousins have ever worn their engagement rings because they hate them.

In a perfect world it is the best to be able to have at a least a dialogue about the ring you will be wearing everyday.
 
What do they say, Happy Wife Happy Life? Same goes for fiancées I think! Keep this in mind - are you going to be wearing the ring or is she? If she is, she should be able to pick whatever makes her happy I think even though it might not be your taste. I think it's a good test of compromise and shows how much you are willing to make your mate happy even if her choices are not coincident with yours.

I went ring shopping with my wife when were still dating just to see what style she had in mind. After many, many trips to various stores, I ended up designing something that I thought she would like. It was a simple design with a nice diamond, and I surprised her with it. Luckily she really liked it a lot even though she had no say in the matter! I was able to manage to design something stylish and that I thought she would like and appreciate.

So I guess it will depend on your mate and you whether you can both work something out. Marriage is a long road with many tough choices, cooperative efforts, and compromises. Being respectful and generous with your loved one pays off in the end for both parties. You may not see eye to eye on everything, but you still need to respect what the other person desires and enjoys.
 
I believe that the person giving the item has the right to choose anything he wants. But the receiver also has the right to like or dislike the item. If when buying the item you're thinking more about yourself then the receiver of the gift, consider keeping the item for yourself, or hold your peace if the receiver doesn't seem particularly keen upon receiving it. Don't go all "but I spent a million hours/nights/dollars choosing and getting it" I'm sure the receiver appreciates the effort, but that doesn't change the fact that the end product might not be what they dreamed of.

Also, depending on your character or your partners
Character, if you something other then what she wants, and she says "its lovely! " does she mean it or is it just because she doesn't want to hurt you?

Btw, dolphins and fishes rock! :-P
 
I buy what I like...she can take it or leave it!
 
I agree with Christina! My husband bought what he thought would make his mother happy. His brother's wife has a nice engagement ring from Tiffany's and his mother kept complaining about it. She is very frugal. Although my husband had the fund to buy a well cut 1 carat cushion or round from l, say, JA or WF, he went with a used Tiffany channel set ring from eBay. He and his mother were proud to tell everybody that he got a used ering on eBay. I had never heard of getting a second hand e-ring in my country, I was shocked. I was happy with the fact that he proposed, so I kept wearing the ring for a while, and then kept it in the ring box. We had many fights over the ring and it took him a year to understand why I didn't wear my ring anymore. He has $10000 + worth or computer related things at home and never wears clothes he doesn't like. He has to have exactly what he wants. We sold the ring and I couldn't be happier to get my upgrade last year.
 
MaximusFS|1380066816|3526683 said:
Wow, perhaps I overstated. If she had said she still liked a halo after viewing both, we would have gotten a halo.

Jeez! I stand by having the ability to have input. She has input on what she buys for me and what I buy for myself. Why is this any different?!


Hey Maximus! :wavey: I hope that it wasn't my post about the power of persuasion that upset you! I was actually going to quote your original post because I agree with you. I mentioned that I really wanted DH to have a nice platinum or white gold wedding band and had many conversations attempting to persuade him, even tossing in the fact that titanium was a dangerous choice in his field of work, but in the end he was adamant that it was in fact what he wanted, so that is what I got him. He no longer wears it to work as it really was a safety issue and later I purchased him a nicer band that he now alternates with the original titanium, so in the end, win/win. What I don't understand is when a man totally disregards the wishes of his future wife. I don't think that is what you were doing at all. I know how much time you've spent here agonizing over every single detail because you want her to thrilled with her ring. That is what I find satisfying about giving gifts...the happiness that it brings to the recipient. :))
 
needsomebling|1380075829|3526757 said:
What do they say, Happy Wife Happy Life? Same goes for fiancées I think! Keep this in mind - are you going to be wearing the ring or is she? If she is, she should be able to pick whatever makes her happy I think even though it might not be your taste. I think it's a good test of compromise and shows how much you are willing to make your mate happy even if her choices are not coincident with yours.

I went ring shopping with my wife when were still dating just to see what style she had in mind. After many, many trips to various stores, I ended up designing something that I thought she would like. It was a simple design with a nice diamond, and I surprised her with it. Luckily she really liked it a lot even though she had no say in the matter! I was able to manage to design something stylish and that I thought she would like and appreciate.

So I guess it will depend on your mate and you whether you can both work something out. Marriage is a long road with many tough choices, cooperative efforts, and compromises. Being respectful and generous with your loved one pays off in the end for both parties. You may not see eye to eye on everything, but you still need to respect what the other person desires and enjoys.

Truer words were never spoken and if you gentlemen can just remember these 4 little words and both parties can remember the last sentence bolded in the above paragraph marriage will be a much easier and happier journey! Seriously from someone who has seen happy marriages and not so happy marriages it is way better to be happy then right IMO and it might sometimes be a challenge but the above will go a long way in ensuring a happier future!!!

It's just a ring people. Let your SO wear the ring they truly want and love. It's not that big of a deal especially if you are not the one wearing it, yanno?
 
secretagentlaura|1380059808|3526592 said:
I think that the giving party really gets all the say, if that's what he/she wants. They have that priviledge, no matter if they are buying a sweater to give to someone or a piece of jewelry. I'd even re-phrase this topic to be "at what point does the receiving party get a say?" because I find that more interesting. But maybe that's because my engagement was a total surprise and I wasn't part of any ring-purchasing decision :)

Buying an engagement ring is completely different from buying a sweater. For a sweater you say thank you, pop it on a few times, and when it goes out of fashion in a couple years you donate it. An engagement ring you're expected to wear everyday for the rest of your life. Unlike a sweater if the woman doesn't wear it the guy may feel very hurt, and the woman may also feel very disappointed that she's expected to wear something she doesn't like because of what it is. Engagement rings carry a symbolism that nothing else in the Western world comes close to touching. They have the potential to be a very sore subject and cause a lot of resentment in a relationship.
 
I just wanted to add that in an important relationship you should pick your battles/arguments and IMO this shouldn't be a major one because there are way more important issues along your journey. Let your SO wear the ring their heart desires. It's the smarter choice in the long run. Pick and choose your battles...don't make every disagreement a major one. Perspective is everything.
 
I think for me it comes down to what the ring represents to you - like Kenny said, it varies with each individual. My wife is very much attached to her ring and sees it as a symbol of our relationship, so we spent a lot of time looking at different designs, metal colours, etc. before getting it - I picked the stones and the actual design, but I knew the size, colour range and general design she wanted. She claims that it's not upgradable - it's Perfect! (Of course, she's not a PSer :rolleyes: )

For me, the ring is just a ring. My wife picked my ring with....let's say, limited... input from me while 10000 miles away. I don't wear it at work because it's easier to keep my hands clean without it, and it snags on stuff. I would honestly not have been troubled if she'd picked one made of aluminum. I did care about other details of the ceremony, but the ring was 100% her project! I think that might also have helped her compromise a bit on some of the things, like the celebrant, that I did care about.

As far as non-engagement gifts go, I'd echo those who noted that the giving party gets the *final* say! If they aren't buying/making it, it's not being gifted. That said, they have a responsibility to pick a 'good gift', which may be something the recipient will enjoy or something they'll need but wouldn't have picked for themselves. (Best physical gift I ever received from my parents might've been the alarm clock I took to college!)

In terms of picking battles, that seems like an important concept for both parties to keep in mind.....
 
This topic really hits hard for me, if anyone from LIW read this they'll know why. My OH and I were looking at rings and I basically got told that he was worried his mother will start disliking HER e-ring, if I have a nicer one than her.

He went on to say that that fear won't change his decision on my e-ring, but now IF I ever get a ring the first thing I'm gonna do is look at it and think "so this is the ring that won't upset your mother."

To keep on topic- if you're buying something to give to someone else, you're buying FOR them, not for you. Sure you may have to look at it, but it's FOR them, ergo you make decisions with them in mind, not anyone else (certainly not your bl**dy mother). Budget is actually where I think the compromise should be. Looks is up to the recipient, price is up to the giver and a balance between the two should be reached.

I've bought presents for my OH that I personally hate, but they made him happy and were what he wanted. Isn't that the point of buying gifts?
 
I have sort of mixed feelings about this.

I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted, but I have only had my e-ring a month and I am not sure it's my lifetime ring. I played a little bit to my fiance's taste, and got a classic 3stone similar to Yssie's butterflies, when I think I am a little more...elaborate than that.

However, when I see these big AVC solitaires, well...I kind of want one of those. And when I see a really good micropave halo...I kind of want that too.

I have been buying some gemstone pieces to try to figure out what I REALLY want. Said Fiance is not thrilled by this. So I guess you can't really have it both ways-- if you don't want to consider someone's input, then you can't also be upset when they want to change something they wear every day for the rest of their life.
 
Agree with Christina.

I have bought THE ring for my partner. Lots of talks about it before the purchase was made, and shopping time as well. My thinking was and still is that if i am spending that kind of money, i want to make sure that DH is absolutely happy with the ring (or any purchase) so that DH is going to be happy wearing the ring. O'wise, the money i spent on the ring is going to waste, as the ring will be sitting in a drawer. if the ring is going to be sitting in a drawer, i may as well put the money in the bin now or better yet, to fund MY bling projects.
 
SB621|1380068669|3526695 said:
Honestly the part that really gets me are the guys (my friends, posters on ps, whoever) that are SO SURE of what their SO wants they pick out everything, so extremely proud of themselves for just KNOWING what she wants, then later on they come back on PS trying to figure out what to do because their GF hates the ring. I swear I should have a permanent red mark on my forehead from all the smacks I have given myself.

One of my best friends from HS just got engaged. Her boyfriend asked my advice on a diamond and I gave him some ideas. She and her BF have been living together about 7 months and while they never went ring shopping together she dropped hints to what she liked and showed him some pictures. She wanted a very classic 1 ct MRB solitaire with tapered cathedral shoulders. Easy right?! Her BF pretty much said thanks for my help but he knew exactly what she would love. She ended up getting a D, SI2 with black carbon spots .75ct princess in a halo with a pink surprise stone!!! :eek: She said she cried after he proposed for hours after he left because she just hated it. I know this is an extreme case but it is on my nerves as the last month we have been trying to figure out what to do with this ring that she really hates. While I do like her FI a part of me just wants to say, “this is really not a good sign for starting off a marriage…”


And on that note....vent over! :oops:

+1!!!!!!!!!! I feel like you should work with your fiancee on what kind of ring to get. SHE is going to be the one who is wearing it, after all!!!! If you want her to be surprised, have a family member or friend snoop about what she would like. Ugh. I feel SO bad for your friend! I don't even know if I could have feigned happiness during the proposal... :lol:

What are you thinking for options for her, SB?
 
I love hearing everyone's opinions.

Just playing devil's advocate, but like others have said, this isn't a sweater, its a sentimental gift for your loved one to represent your relationship (at least many view it that way) Don't you have at least some right to pick something you like too?
 
Niel|1380113974|3526981 said:
I love hearing everyone's opinions.

Just playing devil's advocate, but like others have said, this isn't a sweater, its a sentimental gift for your loved one to represent your relationship (at least many view it that way) Don't you have at least some right to pick something you like too?

I can't speak for everyone else. But, my husband's motto is "if my wife's not happy, I'm not happy." He could care less what ring I have as long as I am overjoyed about it.

When I got the box from Victor, I said "wanna open it together??" :lol: He was impressed with the craftsmanship and thought it turned out beautifully. But in the end, he really doesn't care, as I am the one wearing it.

He DID, however, actually give me an opinion on the wedding band I'm going to get. But I still don't think he cares... :lol:
 
soxfan|1380114342|3526984 said:
Niel|1380113974|3526981 said:
I love hearing everyone's opinions.

Just playing devil's advocate, but like others have said, this isn't a sweater, its a sentimental gift for your loved one to represent your relationship (at least many view it that way) Don't you have at least some right to pick something you like too?

I can't speak for everyone else. But, my husband's motto is "if my wife's not happy, I'm not happy." He could care less what ring I have as long as I am overjoyed about it.

When I got the box from Victor, I said "wanna open it together??" :lol: He was impressed with the craftsmanship and thought it turned out beautifully. But in the end, he really doesn't care, as I am the one wearing it.

He DID, however, actually give me an opinion on the wedding band I'm going to get. But I still don't think he cares... :lol:

^^This, to be fair. If we take the ring out of the equation my OH is is "If she's happy, I'm happy." I don't think he'd care one way or the other what it looked like so long as it was in budget.
 
The giving party has the right not to spend money on something they find hideous but should buy what the recepient likes even if it's not giver's taste exactly. The recepient has the right not to like the gift or ever wear it. I know lots of women who do not wear their ER because it's not their style.
 
SB621|1380068669|3526695 said:
Honestly the part that really gets me are the guys (my friends, posters on ps, whoever) that are SO SURE of what their SO wants they pick out everything, so extremely proud of themselves for just KNOWING what she wants, then later on they come back on PS trying to figure out what to do because their GF hates the ring. I swear I should have a permanent red mark on my forehead from all the smacks I have given myself.

One of my best friends from HS just got engaged. Her boyfriend asked my advice on a diamond and I gave him some ideas. She and her BF have been living together about 7 months and while they never went ring shopping together she dropped hints to what she liked and showed him some pictures. She wanted a very classic 1 ct MRB solitaire with tapered cathedral shoulders. Easy right?! Her BF pretty much said thanks for my help but he knew exactly what she would love. She ended up getting a D, SI2 with black carbon spots .75ct princess in a halo with a pink surprise stone!!! :eek: She said she cried after he proposed for hours after he left because she just hated it. I know this is an extreme case but it is on my nerves as the last month we have been trying to figure out what to do with this ring that she really hates. While I do like her FI a part of me just wants to say, “this is really not a good sign for starting off a marriage…”


And on that note....vent over! :oops:

Oh my gosh, I feel horrible for your friend. :(sad What a frustrating situation, especially when you knew exactly what she wanted, told him, and had to watch him go in the complete opposite direction. Was their any resolution to the issue or did she just learn to live with it?

I my opinion, the receiving party should have all the say in the design of the jewelry piece-as long as it stays within the budget the giving party has. Trying to blow the budget would be the only way I would say the giver's feelings trump the receiving party.
 
Sorry I was a bit grumpy yesterday. :wink2:

At this point, I'm a bit defensive because it's coming down to where the rubber hits the road, so to speak :)

Proposal will be within the next 7.
 
baby monster|1380123064|3527034 said:
The giving party has the right not to spend money on something they find hideous but should buy what the recepient likes even if it's not giver's taste exactly. The recepient has the right not to like the gift or ever wear it. I know lots of women who do not wear their ER because it's not their style.

...and whose fault is this?? The fact that you know many women who won't wear their erings because they don't like them is a perfect example of a guy putting his wants and tastes above that of his SO's... and that is a pretty good indication of things to come. ::)

I'd imagine that if their husbands had taken their feelings into consideration, then they'd be able to at least not hate the ring to the point of not wearing it. If a woman doesn't wear her ering because of work or something, that's one thing... but it should not be because they don't like it. ;))

As was stated before, we are assuming the budget isn't an issue, but the style. If the recipient of any gift has the right to like or dislike it... why don't the same rules apply to the giver?? The opinion that matters the most is that of the recipient... If we buy to please ourselves, then that's just what we're doing -- pleasing ourselves... isn't the purpose of a gift to make the intended recipient happy?? If not, what's the point?? I'd rather have nothing than an ugly ring that my SO spent tons of money on, only to have him possibly be hurt or ticked off that I don't wear it. Well, guess what?? If these men (or women) want so badly to make their SO's happy, why are they so stubborn as to ignore and/or disrepect their SO's wishes?? I have a huge problem with guys who refuse to buy an such an important ring that thier SO loves, simply because they don't like it.
 
MaximusFS|1380123762|3527047 said:
Sorry I was a bit grumpy yesterday. :wink2:

At this point, I'm a bit defensive because it's coming down to where the rubber hits the road, so to speak :)

Proposal will be within the next 7.

It's okay, Maximus... ;)) It will work out! Try not to be nervous and just be EXCITED! :bigsmile:
 
msop04|1380128517|3527101 said:
baby monster|1380123064|3527034 said:
The giving party has the right not to spend money on something they find hideous but should buy what the recepient likes even if it's not giver's taste exactly. The recepient has the right not to like the gift or ever wear it. I know lots of women who do not wear their ER because it's not their style.

...and whose fault is this?? The fact that you know many women who won't wear their erings because they don't like them is a perfect example of a guy putting his wants and tastes above that of his SO's... and that is a pretty good indication of things to come. ::)

I'd imagine that if their husbands had taken their feelings into consideration, then they'd be able to at least not hate the ring to the point of not wearing it. If a woman doesn't wear her ering because of work or something, that's one thing... but it should not be because they don't like it. ;))

As was stated before, we are assuming the budget isn't an issue, but the style. If the recipient of any gift has the right to like or dislike it... why don't the same rules apply to the giver?? The opinion that matters the most is that of the recipient... If we buy to please ourselves, then that's just what we're doing -- pleasing ourselves... isn't the purpose of a gift to make the intended recipient happy?? If not, what's the point?? I'd rather have nothing than an ugly ring that my SO spent tons of money on, only to have him possibly be hurt or ticked off that I don't wear it. Well, guess what?? If these men (or women) want so badly to make their SO's happy, why are they so stubborn as to ignore and/or disrepect their SO's wishes?? I have a huge problem with guys who refuse to buy an such an important ring that thier SO loves, simply because they don't like it.

THIS! ^^ This X1000
 
msop04|1380128517|3527101 said:
baby monster|1380123064|3527034 said:
The giving party has the right not to spend money on something they find hideous but should buy what the recepient likes even if it's not giver's taste exactly. The recepient has the right not to like the gift or ever wear it. I know lots of women who do not wear their ER because it's not their style.

...and whose fault is this?? The fact that you know many women who won't wear their erings because they don't like them is a perfect example of a guy putting his wants and tastes above that of his SO's... and that is a pretty good indication of things to come. ::)

I'd imagine that if their husbands had taken their feelings into consideration, then they'd be able to at least not hate the ring to the point of not wearing it. If a woman doesn't wear her ering because of work or something, that's one thing... but it should not be because they don't like it. ;))

Right, so I generally agree but "people vary." Some men are just not into jewelry. An ER is a ring is a ring is a ring as long as it has a diamond center. The aesthetics of the setting, look & style are just beyond their interest and comprehension. They're not putting wants and tastes above when they don't have a taste.

The other point about not caring about the feedback when ring is not liked is sort of gray area. The old saying is "one does not look gift horse in the mouth" :bigsmile:
 
The scenario I keep coming back to is the dolphin ring.

Imagine your a girl who's dream was always to get the dolphin ring from Independence day. She's Dermot about it for years. But the SO thinks its tremendously tacky, and doesn't want his GF showing everyone a ring that says "oh Jimmy gave this to me

Is her want more important?


Or imagine then other way around. The guy had dreamed forever about giving his future wife a ring from his favorite movie. Always wanted to. She doesn't like it. Is her want more important?

These are just things I think about. I'm not I'm this situation thank god.
 
Does the person dropping 5-10k on the ring get any say? Or because its a gift of love he shouldn't get any?

I tell you what: If I had gotten that aforementioned D SI2 spotted princess with cutesy pink sapphires, my roar of outrage would have been heard 2 counties away! That's the kind of stunt the hick he-men here would pull, and I despise them for it. She should have run him off and told him to never return unless he showed some consideration for her. And what men need to realize is that whatever is on her finger, the man gets credit or blame for it. SO, don't buy some piece of carp because then everyone who looks at that ring and thinks "Oh, poor thing, she got a piece of carp" has immediately formed an opinion that the man who bought it is also a piece of carp.

Seriously, a man making all the decisions himself or worse yet, soliciting his intended's input and then TOTALLY DISREGARDING it would set off warning bells for me. That, to me, demonstrates that the man thinks the woman is trivial, or a burden, or perhaps not as bright as he, himself.

Ideally, I think that a couple needs work together to achieve the mutually satisfying goal of getting a decent ring that is pleasing to both and doesn't break the bank. If the sky is not the limit, at least give the woman choices that fit within the budget. In the end, it has to fit the man's budget, so yes, he does get the last word on that. And I don't see anything wrong with the man buying the center diamond, and presenting it in a simple solitaire, and then let the woman take her own money and remount that diamond in WHATEVER she chooses. That is unconventional, I know, but it might be the perfect solution to all fights over "I don't want to spend my money on THAT!" Then if she wanted some hideous setting that the guy hates, he can still save face by saying "It was a solitaire, but she had it reset." Or, if the woman had her heart set on fancy-schmancy that the man couldn't afford, it's a way for her to get the total look that she wanted.
 
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