At what point does the giving party get a say?

[Niel]

I've been thinking about this a bit recently. In your opinion,when is it appropriate to intervene and tell your SO you won't get them what they want?

And I don't mean budget. I'm talking style.

I see people come on here and pick out a ring for their lady, and sometimes they forgo what she wants and pic what they like. And of course people here tell them "oh get her what she wants not what you want she is the one wearing it!"

But at what point does the person buying the ring have a right to say "i don't want to spend my money on that"?

He never gets to?
What if e hates the gold she picked and won't use it? He won't buy her an amethyst stone because he knows its not a good e ring stone? She has her heart set on something that's of poor quality and overpriced? She wants a dolphin ring and he thinks that's hideous?

Does the person dropping 5-10k on the ring get any say? Or because its a gift of love he shouldn't get any?

 

[kenny]

It will vary with the individuals.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Interesting question!

I think if the thing that someone wants is a likely to be a problem (e.g., an emerald for the main stone in an e-ring that will be worn daily by someone who has a history of being hard on jewelry) the giver should certainly try to have a reasonable logical conversation about the whole thing. If the recipeint is ADAMANT though, insure insure insure.

Dolphin rings and things like that are matters of taste. If there is no compromise to be reached (maybe a tasteful wave pattern engraved on the band of a solitare) though, it is the recipeint who should have the say.

I guess I'm in the camp of siding with the recipeint, but trying like he!! to reach a reasonable agreement before buying something the giver really hates or knows up front is a bad idea.

ETA: The scenario of a "bad" piece of jewelry that is severely over-priced (think maul store frozen spit) is the hardest one for me. My thoughts on that are to get *as close* to what the recipient really wants, but with quality, as possible.

 

[maxs.memo]

My girlfriend really liked halos and I think they look very busy and detract from the look of the primary diamond. To convince her,
We went to a jewelry store and I showed her high quality pave/channel/common prong settings which she immediately preferred.
Going into the process both of us only really had a theoretical idea of what we should get.

As a general rule, I would say it is her decision but you have the ability to interject and persuade. Keep in mind you are asking her to say yes...

 

[secretagentlaura]

I think that the giving party really gets all the say, if that's what he/she wants. They have that priviledge, no matter if they are buying a sweater to give to someone or a piece of jewelry. I'd even re-phrase this topic to be "at what point does the receiving party get a say?" because I find that more interesting. But maybe that's because my engagement was a total surprise and I wasn't part of any ring-purchasing decision

 

[SB621]

My girlfriend really liked halos and I think they look very busy and detract from the look of the primary diamond. To convince her,
We went to a jewelry store and I showed her high quality pave/channel/common prong settings which she immediately preferred.
Going into the process both of us only really had a theoretical idea of what we should get.

As a general rule, I would say it is her decision but you have the ability to interject and persuade. Keep in mind you are asking her to say yes...

Ha my DH did the same. Then 3 years later I changed my mind and have been wearing a halo ever since. In general I think it is a bad idea to ever talk someone out of something because you think.....insert whatever here. Yes erings are a lot of money but I think if you talk someone out of something there will always be a what if in the back of their mind. I guess I'm of the mindset you make your own mistakes and pay for them later. In this case it would be a trade up/ in and /or reset.

For quality or overpriced items the same could be said for Tiffany's. I don't think they have fantastic quality and they are very expensive. At least with them you get a pretty box and a brandname. For mall store frozen spit that is a whole other story.

 

[msop04]

I think that the giving party really gets all the say, if that's what he/she wants. They have that priviledge, no matter if they are buying a sweater to give to someone or a piece of jewelry. I'd even re-phrase this topic to be "at what point does the receiving party get a say?" because I find that more interesting. But maybe that's because my engagement was a total surprise and I wasn't part of any ring-purchasing decision

I'd disagree with this whole train of thought, assuming the giver cares about what the recipient thinks of the gift-- especially one as important as an ering... because the recipient will be the one wearing the ring, after all. It's one thing to be surprised by a "safe" ring (like a solitaire), but it's another to give someone something that's supposed to represent your love if the giver doesn't so much as care if the recipient will be happy with it. I will never understand why someone would give something they thought the other person wouldn't like... Or even giving them something that is totally different from what you know they like/have picked out?

Engagement rings are not as easily returnable as the ugly sweater for Christmas or the ugly bowl someone bought you for your wedding shower -- when you had a registry full of bowls that you clearly wanted and picked out in the same price range... sorry, just very fresh from a wedding and having to return a million "ugly bowls" -- or even worse, being stuck with them. I can't imagine my DH choosing a ring that he knew I'd dislike... it wouldn't necessarily mean I'd say "no," but I'd certainly question his regard to my feelings -- it would go way past a ring... that would just be the beginning.

I think the question to this is, "When is the gift truly for the recipient, and not for the giver's ego?" Because, when giving a gift, it is supposed to make the recipient happy, no?? Otherwise, you could just buy something for yourself.

 

[msop04]

My girlfriend really liked halos and I think they look very busy and detract from the look of the primary diamond. To convince her,
We went to a jewelry store and I showed her high quality pave/channel/common prong settings which she immediately preferred.
Going into the process both of us only really had a theoretical idea of what we should get.

As a general rule, I would say it is her decision but you have the ability to interject and persuade. Keep in mind you are asking her to say yes...

Ha my DH did the same. Then 3 years later I changed my mind and have been wearing a halo ever since. In general I think it is a bad idea to ever talk someone out of something because you think.....insert whatever here. Yes erings are a lot of money but I think if you talk someone out of something there will always be a what if in the back of their mind. I guess I'm of the mindset you make your own mistakes and pay for them later. In this case it would be a trade up/ in and /or reset.

For quality or overpriced items the same could be said for Tiffany's. I don't think they have fantastic quality and they are very expensive. At least with them you get a pretty box and a brandname. For mall store frozen spit that is a whole other story.

I agree 100%, SB!!

 

[msop04]

My girlfriend really liked halos and I think they look very busy and detract from the look of the primary diamond. To convince her,
We went to a jewelry store and I showed her high quality pave/channel/common prong settings which she immediately preferred.
Going into the process both of us only really had a theoretical idea of what we should get.

As a general rule, I would say it is her decision but you have the ability to interject and persuade. Keep in mind you are asking her to say yes...

This is a very good point, MaximusFS...

 

[yssie]

I think that the giving party really gets all the say, if that's what he/she wants. They have that priviledge, no matter if they are buying a sweater to give to someone or a piece of jewelry. I'd even re-phrase this topic to be "at what point does the receiving party get a say?"

I would actually agree with this. Or - more generally - the one spending the money gets the final say. So if it's a joint purchase it should be a joint choice, if it's a gift from one person to another then ultimately the gift-giver gets to call the shots.

I just don't understand why a man planning to propose to his beloved wouldn't want to gift her with what will make her happiest, given a certain set budget - which means weighting her priorities over his own.
Which necessitates finding out what her priorities are, understanding them... and accepting them.

Maybe her top priority is keeping it a surprise. Maybe not.

 

[Christina...]

I have pretty strong feelings about this....they don't! I think that persuasion is a powerful thing, but at the end of the day, if they don't budge, you don't buy something different! I think that the old stand in example still works. If DH wants a black BMW Z4 for his birthday but instead I purchase him the ActiveHybrid 3, I can't expect him to be thrilled simply because it's still black! Our DS wants the new Xbox One for Christmas. It does nothing that his current systems, ipad, laptop don't do, except combine certain features into one platform. I think it's ridiculous and stupid expensive, but our son understands what he would be giving up to have this system. He knows that we have a budget, and he is OK with having fewer gifts. He is old enough to make and live with this decision, so he will get his system. I could disregard his wishes and purchase him whatever I wanted to purchase for him, but I wouldn't want to live with the disappointment I would see on his face Christmas morning. Obviously this is on a much smaller scale than most engagement ring purchases, but I believe the premise is the same. I don't buy gifts based on MY preferences. To me, the whole point of gift giving is to make the recipient happy, otherwise what's the point?


ETA: I should clarify though, that the gift should ALWAYS remain within the purchasers budget regardless of what recipients wants. That should go without saying but unfortunately I don't think it always happens that way.

 

[msop04]

I think that the giving party really gets all the say, if that's what he/she wants. They have that priviledge, no matter if they are buying a sweater to give to someone or a piece of jewelry. I'd even re-phrase this topic to be "at what point does the receiving party get a say?"

I would actually agree with this. Or - more generally - the one spending the money gets the final say. So if it's a joint purchase it should be a joint choice, if it's a gift from one person to another then ultimately the gift-giver gets to call the shots.

I just don't understand why a man planning to propose to his beloved wouldn't want to gift her with what will make her happiest, given a certain set budget - which means weighting her priorities over his own.
Which necessitates finding out what her priorities are, understanding them... and accepting them.

Maybe her top priority is keeping it a surprise. Maybe not.

Yssie, I think you've hit the nail on the head with this...

 

[msop04]

I have pretty strong feelings about this....they don't! I think that persuasion is a powerful thing, but at the end of the day, if they don't budge, you don't buy something different! I think that the old stand in example still works. If DH wants a black BMW Z4 for his birthday but instead I purchase him the ActiveHybrid 3, I can't expect him to be thrilled simply because it's still black! Our DS wants the new Xbox One for Christmas. It does nothing that his current systems, ipad, laptop don't do, except combine certain features into one platform. I think it's ridiculous and stupid expensive, but our son understands what he would be giving up to have this system. He knows that we have a budget, and he is OK with having fewer gifts. He is old enough to make and live with this decision, so he will get his system. I could disregard his wishes and purchase him whatever I wanted to purchase for him, but I wouldn't want to live with the disappointment I would see on his face Christmas morning. Obviously this is on a much smaller scale than most engagement ring purchases, but I believe the premise is the same. I don't buy gifts based on MY preferences. To me, the whole point of gift giving is to make the recipient happy, otherwise what's the point?

ETA: I should clarify though, that the gift should ALWAYS remain within the purchasers budget regardless of what recipients wants. That should go without saying but unfortunately I don't think it always happens that way.

This!!

Admittedly, I didn't really like the wedding bands that DH was picking out at first. But, I had to remember that even though I'm paying for it, it's his ring... he will be wearing it, not me. In the end, I liked it because I knew that he loved it.

EDIT: his ring wasn't bad, I'm just a control freak and really picky... just glad he extended me the same courtesy when picking out my ring!

 

[Niel]

I was at a baby shower last year and I overhead a girl there say "he was looking at e rings with me, I said I liked (this kind) bit he said he didn't really care and was going to get me whatever he liked"....

 

[msop04]

Sorry for so many posts, but like Christina, I have very strong feelings regarding this topic...

 

[msop04]

I was at a baby shower last year and I overhead a girl there say "he was looking at e rings with me, I said I liked (this kind) bit he said he didn't really care and was going to get me whatever he liked"....

This is just sad. Forget the ring... this is an indication of a controlling man with no regard for his FF's feelings. We had a poster several months ago with this same attitude -- pi**ed me off so bad.

 

[Christina...]

I was at a baby shower last year and I overhead a girl there say "he was looking at e rings with me, I said I liked (this kind) bit he said he didn't really care and was going to get me whatever he liked"....

Um, yeah...this would be a relationship that I would be rethinking! I mean, where does it end? Will she get a say in what house they live in, or even where that house is located? Will she have a say in naming her children, where they go to school or even how many, if any, she will have? What type of vehicle they purchase, how they spend or save money? I could go on forever, but I'd just be going way beyond your original question.

 

[Christina...]

I have pretty strong feelings about this....they don't! I think that persuasion is a powerful thing, but at the end of the day, if they don't budge, you don't buy something different! I think that the old stand in example still works. If DH wants a black BMW Z4 for his birthday but instead I purchase him the ActiveHybrid 3, I can't expect him to be thrilled simply because it's still black! Our DS wants the new Xbox One for Christmas. It does nothing that his current systems, ipad, laptop don't do, except combine certain features into one platform. I think it's ridiculous and stupid expensive, but our son understands what he would be giving up to have this system. He knows that we have a budget, and he is OK with having fewer gifts. He is old enough to make and live with this decision, so he will get his system. I could disregard his wishes and purchase him whatever I wanted to purchase for him, but I wouldn't want to live with the disappointment I would see on his face Christmas morning. Obviously this is on a much smaller scale than most engagement ring purchases, but I believe the premise is the same. I don't buy gifts based on MY preferences. To me, the whole point of gift giving is to make the recipient happy, otherwise what's the point?

ETA: I should clarify though, that the gift should ALWAYS remain within the purchasers budget regardless of what recipients wants. That should go without saying but unfortunately I don't think it always happens that way.

This!!

Admittedly, I didn't really like the wedding bands that DH was picking out at first. But, I had to remember that even though I'm paying for it, it's his ring... he will be wearing it, not me. In the end, I liked it because I knew that he loved it.

EDIT: his ring wasn't bad, I'm just a control freak and really picky... just glad he extended me the same courtesy when picking out my ring!

Similar situation here! I chose my own ring, and wanted to purchase DH whatever he wanted...well that ended up being a $50 titanium band! It looks great on him, but I wanted him to purchase something nicer, like a platinum or gold band, but it was what HE wanted and insisted on, so he got the band and he loves it! So I'm happy that he is happy.

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

This is an awesome topic because it hits very close to home for me right now. My guy and I are picking out an engagement ring and our tastes are much different. I prefer antique settings (and diamonds) and he likes a more modern look. At this point I have found a diamond I love (that he feels is too large, although in the budget) and will compromise on the setting in order to get the stone. I'm going to go with a simple solitaire - still an antique reproduction, just not the Single Stone I wanted. The simpler setting makes him happy and we've agreed that I can upgrade the setting in a few years. So, he had a say in the budget (obviously) and his preference in style of setting and I get the OEC I want with the understanding that we can upgrade the setting down the road. I consider that a win-win and a reasonable compromise.

 

[Christina...]

This is an awesome topic because it hits very close to home for me right now. My guy and I are picking out an engagement ring and our tastes are much different. I prefer antique settings (and diamonds) and he likes a more modern look. At this point I have found a diamond I love (that he feels is too large, although in the budget) and will compromise on the setting in order to get the stone. I'm going to go with a simple solitaire - still an antique reproduction, just not the Single Stone I wanted. The simpler setting makes him happy and we've agreed that I can upgrade the setting in a few years. So, he had a say in the budget (obviously) and his preference in style of setting and I get the OEC I want with the understanding that we can upgrade the setting down the road. I consider that a win-win and a reasonable compromise.

Now that's what I'm talking about! ^^

 

[Niel]

I have pretty strong feelings about this....they don't! I think that persuasion is a powerful thing, but at the end of the day, if they don't budge, you don't buy something different! I think that the old stand in example still works. If DH wants a black BMW Z4 for his birthday but instead I purchase him the ActiveHybrid 3, I can't expect him to be thrilled simply because it's still black! Our DS wants the new Xbox One for Christmas. It does nothing that his current systems, ipad, laptop don't do, except combine certain features into one platform. I think it's ridiculous and stupid expensive, but our son understands what he would be giving up to have this system. He knows that we have a budget, and he is OK with having fewer gifts. He is old enough to make and live with this decision, so he will get his system. I could disregard his wishes and purchase him whatever I wanted to purchase for him, but I wouldn't want to live with the disappointment I would see on his face Christmas morning. Obviously this is on a much smaller scale than most engagement ring purchases, but I believe the premise is the same. I don't buy gifts based on MY preferences. To me, the whole point of gift giving is to make the recipient happy, otherwise what's the point?

ETA: I should clarify though, that the gift should ALWAYS remain within the purchasers budget regardless of what recipients wants. That should go without saying but unfortunately I don't think it always happens that way.

This!!

Admittedly, I didn't really like the wedding bands that DH was picking out at first. But, I had to remember that even though I'm paying for it, it's his ring... he will be wearing it, not me. In the end, I liked it because I knew that he loved it.

EDIT: his ring wasn't bad, I'm just a control freak and really picky... just glad he extended me the same courtesy when picking out my ring!

Similar situation here! I chose my own ring, and wanted to purchase DH whatever he wanted...well that ended up being a $50 titanium band! It looks great on him, but I wanted him to purchase something nicer, like a platinum or gold band, but it was what HE wanted and insisted on, so he got the band and he loves it! So I'm happy that he is happy.

I'm the slightest hypocrite as FI picked out a really ugly one. But it was also far out of budget. So I dodged a bullet. He also wasn't head over heels in love with it and unwilling to look at other ones. Luckily the one that was my favorite was also hundreds less than any others we looked at. Bit had it been I'm the budget and he loved it I would have bought it and hated it for years lol

 

[makhro82]

If it were up to me I'd have an asscher right now. My now husband didn't like them so I have a round. My ring is quite lovely but that hasn't changed the fact that I prefer an asscher. When you're giving someone something whether it is an engagement ring or anything else it should be about what the the recipient appreciates not what you want them to have. My husband is not big on jewelry. When he said that if he had to wear a ring he wanted black diamonds I bought them, not because I liked it but because it was what he wanted to have.

 

[Laila619]

Taste wise, the recipient should have all the say. But for other things, I think the buyer should have some say. For example, if the buyer feels white gold is an impractical choice and platinum would be more durable, then he should be able to decide that he doesn't want to spend his hard-earned money on white gold.

 

[LaraOnline]

I have pretty strong feelings about this....they don't! I think that persuasion is a powerful thing, but at the end of the day, if they don't budge, you don't buy something different! I think that the old stand in example still works. If DH wants a black BMW Z4 for his birthday but instead I purchase him the ActiveHybrid 3, I can't expect him to be thrilled simply because it's still black! Our DS wants the new Xbox One for Christmas. It does nothing that his current systems, ipad, laptop don't do, except combine certain features into one platform. I think it's ridiculous and stupid expensive, but our son understands what he would be giving up to have this system. He knows that we have a budget, and he is OK with having fewer gifts. He is old enough to make and live with this decision, so he will get his system. I could disregard his wishes and purchase him whatever I wanted to purchase for him, but I wouldn't want to live with the disappointment I would see on his face Christmas morning. Obviously this is on a much smaller scale than most engagement ring purchases, but I believe the premise is the same. I don't buy gifts based on MY preferences. To me, the whole point of gift giving is to make the recipient happy, otherwise what's the point?


ETA: I should clarify though, that the gift should ALWAYS remain within the purchasers budget regardless of what recipients wants. That should go without saying but unfortunately I don't think it always happens that way.

Well said Christina!
I did want to respond to your point about budget though.... Australia is chock-ful of extremely budget concious people, and many men will simply choose the cheaper of jewels, rather than go for the one that is really nicer. As a jewellery lover, I find this a little frustrating. I mean, we're the land of 9kt gold! Yet quality and style ARE important, especially for an engagement ring! My husband has to be representative, he loves to tease me about the kind of money I would be happy to spend on jewellery, yet would think nothing of paying many more times that price for something he himself appreciates and would enjoy on a daily basis. So consideration for a partner is important. 'Valuing what she values' etc etc

 

[msop04]

Taste wise, the recipient should have all the say. But for other things, I think the buyer should have some say. For example, if the buyer feels white gold is an impractical choice and platinum would be more durable, then he should be able to decide that he doesn't want to spend his hard-earned money on white gold.

This is true, and it does give the same look... I wanted WG (yeah, yeah... hindsight's 20/20... ) due to the color -- I prefer the icy white of the rhodium to the platinum. My DH wanted whatever was cheapest - HA! I wish I'd listened to him and gotten 14K, so then I wouldn't be needing to replate this beast every 3-4 months!! Well... that's hindsight for ya!

 

[msop04]

This is an awesome topic because it hits very close to home for me right now. My guy and I are picking out an engagement ring and our tastes are much different. I prefer antique settings (and diamonds) and he likes a more modern look. At this point I have found a diamond I love (that he feels is too large, although in the budget) and will compromise on the setting in order to get the stone. I'm going to go with a simple solitaire - still an antique reproduction, just not the Single Stone I wanted. The simpler setting makes him happy and we've agreed that I can upgrade the setting in a few years. So, he had a say in the budget (obviously) and his preference in style of setting and I get the OEC I want with the understanding that we can upgrade the setting down the road. I consider that a win-win and a reasonable compromise.

Now that's what I'm talking about! ^^

This is a perfect compromise!!! Good for you guys!!

 

[msop04]

If it were up to me I'd have an asscher right now. My now husband didn't like them so I have a round. My ring is quite lovely but that hasn't changed the fact that I prefer an asscher. When you're giving someone something whether it is an engagement ring or anything else it should be about what the the recipient appreciates not what you want them to have. My husband is not big on jewelry. When he said that if he had to wear a ring he wanted black diamonds I bought them, not because I liked it but because it was what he wanted to have.

Awwww, makhro!!! I think your ring is beautiful, but I do hope you are able to get your dream asscher one day!! <fingers crossed for you!!>

 

[Gypsy]

I have pretty strong feelings about this....they don't! I think that persuasion is a powerful thing, but at the end of the day, if they don't budge, you don't buy something different! I think that the old stand in example still works. If DH wants a black BMW Z4 for his birthday but instead I purchase him the ActiveHybrid 3, I can't expect him to be thrilled simply because it's still black! Our DS wants the new Xbox One for Christmas. It does nothing that his current systems, ipad, laptop don't do, except combine certain features into one platform. I think it's ridiculous and stupid expensive, but our son understands what he would be giving up to have this system. He knows that we have a budget, and he is OK with having fewer gifts. He is old enough to make and live with this decision, so he will get his system. I could disregard his wishes and purchase him whatever I wanted to purchase for him, but I wouldn't want to live with the disappointment I would see on his face Christmas morning. Obviously this is on a much smaller scale than most engagement ring purchases, but I believe the premise is the same. I don't buy gifts based on MY preferences. To me, the whole point of gift giving is to make the recipient happy, otherwise what's the point?


ETA: I should clarify though, that the gift should ALWAYS remain within the purchasers budget regardless of what recipients wants. That should go without saying but unfortunately I don't think it always happens that way.

I agree with this.

 

[missy]

When I give a gift I think about the person I am giving it to. What would make them happy? What would they enjoy? That's the point of a gift IMO. So from that POV a gift is entirely for the recipient and has little to do with the giver's taste. The main concern re the giver is the budget and ofc the giver should always remain within their budget but that should be the primary concern of the giver and not if they like the gift or if it is aesthetically pleasing for them or if they would enjoy the gift.

However there are some gifts that have sentimental value attached to them (like an ER or WB) and in that case perhaps the opinion of the giver matters a bit more than under other circumstances. Though it does not outweigh the opinion of the wearer of said ring since she/he will be wearing that ring every single day and it should be something they enjoy wearing.

 

[maxs.memo]

Wow, perhaps I overstated. If she had said she still liked a halo after viewing both, we would have gotten a halo.

Jeez! I stand by having the ability to have input. She has input on what she buys for me and what I buy for myself. Why is this any different?!