Are any of you worried you won''t like the ring?

[lilylover]

For those of you that are in the complete dark about what your FFI will buy you, are you worried at all that you might not like it, or it won''t be what you were expecting?

Of course, you''ll love it for what it represents, etc. etc.

Today I asked my BF if I could tell him a tiny but super important detail about what I would like in a ring. He 100 percent doesn''t want me to talk about it at all. His response was, "No! If you keep on talking about rings I am going to buy it, put it in an envelope, and mail it to you! I wish you''d respect that I don''t want to talk about it. I want there to be at least some illusion of an element of surpise and magic, and you talking about it ruins that for me."

He was joking about the mailing it to me part, of course. But.. it''s driving me nuts. For example, I really want a thin band. Nothing more than 2.5mm. I am afraid that he''ll buy me something thicker and it''ll look weird on my small 4.75 finger.

I feel bad that I worry about this. It makes me feel a tad materialistic.

 

[JSM]

I understand! I didn''t love my ring when he proposed. But I do love my man, with all my heart, and I am growing to love the ring. I''m sure you will feel the same way!

 

[icet]

I did not like my ring actually when I got engaged, I didn't think I was going to get engaged around the time I did so i never thought about it but if I had the chance, I would have hinted as to what I would want or I would have said something like it represents us so it should be something that we both love - but I would try to emphasize that I am the one wearing it so it should really be my taste HA HA! well anyhoo, we got engaged and I was just happy to be engaged so I never told him that it was not my style, but he noticed that i wasn't so showy with my ering so he finally got it out of me that i was not crazy about it and he ended up surprising me by getting me another ring!
so you could tell your SO about my story so that he won't have to go through what my poor DH did!

just to edit, my poor dh didn't know what kind of ring i would have wanted because i never ever talked about wanting an ering and I never wore rings because I used gloves alot for school, in fact I never even thought about getting engaged at the time because I was still in med school but he took a chance and I had a change of heart. so i don't think him not knowing what kind of ring i would have wanted means that he did not really know me just that he was not given a chance to know what kind of ring I wanted.

Good luck!

 

[nail_polish]

I was JUST reading about this yesterday..

I found a few articles that helped; however, the general population comments that not liking it would be materialistic.

I disagree completely.. I mean, it is something that I am going to wear the rest of my life, and I am a bit worried about what the final product will be too.. Similar to your boyfriend, I would try to give tidbits and my boyfriend would just say, "I know." Whether he did or not is a different story - only time will tell.

I definitely feel bad worrying about it, but not becuase I feel materialistic.. to me.. if he ends up getting me something I don't like (*knock on wood* he doesn't) then it speaks loud and clear that he doesn't know me as well as I thought.

So, I have a fear that because I think a ring I don't like = boyfriend doesn't know me, and that fear is why I am worried I won't like it. I think it would be a shock and a bit devastating..

However, at the same time.. with how much I love him and know that regardless I want to spend my life with him I am hoping for the best.

I am not sure if I would be able to sleep with 'pretending' to like it.. he would probably know right away. What would happen then? Hm.. I don't even want to think about it.

I hope that not to go through that though!

 

[BlueSki231]

oh no! i hate hearing stuff like this

you are the one that''s gonna be wearing it for the rest of your life you''d think he''d be open to hear about some of your preferences!!

sorry you have to worry about this!

 

[tlh]

I didn''t talk about it really - I just made statements.

Do you have a ring? Wear it and say, ewww, I don''t like it when a ring is more than 2.5mm thick. It looks soo weird on my fingers. You aren''t talking about THE ring... but you are still getting your point across...

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 3/13/2009 4:44:57 PM
Author: tlh
I didn''t talk about it really - I just made statements.


Do you have a ring? Wear it and say, ewww, I don''t like it when a ring is more than 2.5mm thick. It looks soo weird on my fingers. You aren''t talking about THE ring... but you are still getting your point across...

ha this is good..
or you can wear a ring that has a really thin band and just start raving about how you loooove how thin the band on your ring is... and how anything thicker would look AWFUL on you

hopefully he''ll get the hint. guys can be totally dense sometimes..

 

[purrfectpear]

Passive aggressive.

If you want to have input, then have an adult conversation about it

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/13/2009 5:08:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
If you want to have input, then have an adult conversation about it

Agreed. And I'm sorry, but how 'magical' is it going to be and the ring he presents you is the opposite of everything you like? Crap like that makes me feel frustrated and rather peeved on your behalf, lilylover. It's almost like the pomp and circumstance surrounding the engagement is more important to him than respecting YOUR views and the fact that this is YOUR engagement too. You can give SOME input without ruining any of the surprise.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/13/2009 4:44:57 PM
Author: tlh
I didn't talk about it really - I just made statements.

Do you have a ring? Wear it and say, ewww, I don't like it when a ring is more than 2.5mm thick. It looks soo weird on my fingers. You aren't talking about THE ring... but you are still getting your point across...

ditto - or when talking about another persons ring. I said something similar to e "I really like X's ring, but its totally not my style".


eta - i agree as well with the above posts. some guys can handle passive aggressive, some cannot. and some point you might just have to say "i know you dont want US to talk about rings, but i would like you know what kind of styles i really like" then, drop it.

 

[MaggieB]

That would have been impossible for me. Do you think your boyfriend just feels like he really knows you and your taste well enough to wing it?

When my now husband and I started talking about rings, I told him I really wanted to go try on some stuff with him so he could see their scale on my finger. He had picked out this really gorgeous ring on the internet, and I was like, look, I''ll definitely take that ring, but it is REALLY big (there were diamonds all over the place) and I think that if you saw something like that in person, you might think it was a little bit much. (Hey some girls can pull that off - I''m not one of them). Then we tried some on and he went, thank God I didn''t get you that ring. Then we had a nice tallk, looked at some pictures, and I felt really confident that he would pick something I would like (which he did.)

If he refuses to talk to you about it, how about a sister/friend/mom/someone else? My husband posted the CADs on Pricescope for people to weigh in on! It was very helpful!

 

[fieryred33143]

Whenever I hear stories like this I always think about Kittybean.

She found a photo of her ring and absolutely hated it and was so worried about when he proposed with it. Then he did and she seriously has one of the most beautiful rings on here.

I don''t really know why I posted that except to maybe give you some reassurance??

Otherwise I agree with having a conversation about it. I wouldn''t even say "can I mention this to you." I would just say "Hey you. I don''t like thick bands."

 

[Winks_Elf]

You all know I work for Wink, so you know that I work with gorgeous pieces and see them all the time. To have had no say in my engagement ring at all was KILLING ME when I was a LIW. I had even tried on the setting with my FSIL''s birthstone in it, and for MONTHS I was scared that I was not going to like it when he finally proposed, especially since the diamond is well under a carat. THEN HE PROPOSED, and honestly, I wouldn''t change a thing if I didn''t have to. The sentiment behind the ring is so sweet, and I''m honored that it was his mom''s ring and grandmother''s diamond. The feelings behind it, the history of it, and the memory of how he proposed make it a special treasure to me.

 

[ckrickett]

Oh I am.

I''m extremely picky with jewelry, so I told him he doesn''t need to propose to me with a ring.
I''d rather him to do it when he is ready and then when we have better finances getting my dream ring.

 

[Dreamgirl]

It''s only natural for some of us ladies to worry about that. Have you ever specified any styles you like to him? As in how much you love thin bands? I''d make a point to him on that if he wont spill the beans to you. My boyfriend is kinda the same way, he wants to surprise me but on the other hand...I tell him what I like and don''t like (just to make sure.... lol) That''s not to say I still don''t worry about it. I try not to these days though..

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Date: 3/13/2009 5:08:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Passive aggressive.

If you want to have input, then have an adult conversation about it

Totally agree. Don't make things difficult for yourself, because you don't have to!

ETA: If my FF had told me the same things that your BF told you, I would've flipped and say, "But I better not get something UGLY!"

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 3/13/2009 5:08:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Passive aggressive.

If you want to have input, then have an adult conversation about it

Yea, I''m all for that too - but it sounds like he made it pretty clear it''s not up for discussion...

 

[sammyj]

Date: 3/13/2009 5:45:47 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley

Date: 3/13/2009 5:08:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Passive aggressive.

If you want to have input, then have an adult conversation about it

Totally agree. Don''t make things difficult for yourself, because you don''t have to!

ETA: If my FF had told me the same things that your BF told you, I would''ve flipped and say, ''But I better not get something UGLY!''

HA! I probably would have said this too!

And then I''d say, "Iknowyoudon''twanttotalkaboutthisbutIwantyoutoknowthatIwantathinshank, likelessthan2.5mm! Whew...that felt good."

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Date: 3/13/2009 5:58:27 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 3/13/2009 5:45:47 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley

Date: 3/13/2009 5:08:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Passive aggressive.

If you want to have input, then have an adult conversation about it

Totally agree. Don't make things difficult for yourself, because you don't have to!

ETA: If my FF had told me the same things that your BF told you, I would've flipped and say, 'But I better not get something UGLY!'

HA! I probably would have said this too!

And then I'd say, 'Iknowyoudon'twanttotalkaboutthisbutIwantyoutoknowthatIwantathinshank, likelessthan2.5mm! Whew...that felt good.'

Bwahaha! Same here. I wouldn't give it up without a fight. If I'm going to wear something for the rest of my life, I should definitely have some say.

I remember one PS-er (I don't remember her username) telling us that she HATED her ring, even after all those years of marriage. Her husband did not let her have any say in it also, and just presented her with that ring when he proposed. She hated how it looked, the style, and thought that it was utterly ugly. Even after years of wearing it, she never grew to like it and didn't even want to wear it anymore. I felt really bad for her when I read it.

 

[lilylover]

I love reading what you all have to say on this topic. Some of you are hilarious! I know I can always trust you guys to provide great input!

I think when we are together tonight I am just going to tell him. I know he doesn''t want me to...but, eh.

The good news is, he does have my sister helping him out. She knows what I like and that I like thin bands, but I don''t think that if he picked out a setting that had a slightly thicker band that she would tell him to do otherwise.

The other day she told him that she emailed him a bunch (probably a total of about of settings that she knew I would like, and he emailed back with a different one that he liked better. She swears I would like it and that the band is under 3mm, but it is still stressful for me!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Well if your sister is helping out...then that's GREAT! I'd tell her too just to make sure both of them know. (hehe

)

ETA- Yes, he doesn't want you to talk about it (I know that feeling)...but you could throw it out there for good measure anyway. Like...."You want ketchup with your fries sweetie? I like THIN bands for engagement rings. The thick ones don't look good on me...here's your ketchup"

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I think you should create a collage of styles you like (include many) and let him look at it. You still won''t have any idea what he chooses and it will be a surprise but at least he will know what type of ring you like.

 

[Bia]

My FI wanted none of it. At first...

Then one day, he saw my obsession with PS and said, 'Okay, you have 2 minutes...GO!" Not in so many words but you get the idea. He basically let me tell him what I liked. I showed him the shape of my dream diamond and what was important to me (cut most importantly!). He took that information and that was the last he time he spoke to me about a ring. 5-6 months after that discussion, he proposed and I had no idea it was coming, which was the surprise element that mattered so much to him.

Also, just by telling him the few things I did, FI was able to do his homework and got me the ring I'd been hoping for. The diamond, I couldn't have asked for more--I am in love with it

. The setting was kept simple so he wouldn't mess up and I could choose what I wanted. He did know enough to get a 4-prong platinum setting (with a thin band! I managed to emphasize that lol). When I am ready to change it, we're going to get my dream setting together, which I think is kind of cool.

So maybe your BF would be open to discussing what you like, once or twice...and then you can promise to drop it and come hound us when your LIW-itis gets really bad. Just like I did.

 

[freudianflip]

I support fieryred33143''s suggestion... "hey you, I don''t like thick bands". I mean, seriously. no harm in that. What''s up with your BF caring more about the "mystique" of the romantic proposal than hearing what you want to wear on your finger for the next 50 years (or whatever)?

I had 3 requirements for my ering:
1) white metal
2) no prongs
3) use my family RB offered to us by my mom

I made sure BF knew this, and I think I basically just interjected the information into conversation whenever I saw an opportunity. I didn''t ask if I could give input. I just did it! Ultimately he asked that we choose the design together, and was very concerned that I get exactly the syle I wanted, but by then he was well aware of my basic preferences.

Speak up, girl!

 

[kittybean]

Date: 3/13/2009 5:27:30 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Whenever I hear stories like this I always think about Kittybean.

She found a photo of her ring and absolutely hated it and was so worried about when he proposed with it. Then he did and she seriously has one of the most beautiful rings on here.

I don''t really know why I posted that except to maybe give you some reassurance??

Otherwise I agree with having a conversation about it. I wouldn''t even say ''can I mention this to you.'' I would just say ''Hey you. I don''t like thick bands.''

Thank you, Fiery! That is so very sweet of you to say. I was certainly very pleasantly surprised when I saw the real live ring. Even though it''s not what I originally pictured, I actually like it better than anything I had been imagining.

Lilylover, my advice is just BLURT! Even though I was told he didn''t want my input, I still managed to say what was most important to me--EC in white metal. I am so glad I just blurted it out because I recently had a conversation with FI where he said he was considering a cushion. Now, I do love a gorgeous antique cushion, but ECs are it for me. I also had blurted that I liked halos, and when he looked at me quizzically, I quickly explained that it meant smaller stones all around the big stone. Guess I did a poor job explaining a halo, but I did get my gorgeous side stones .

Let us know how it goes! I hope you get your beautiful ring soon.

 

[whitby_2773]

lilylover -

if he doesn''t want to discuss it to maintain the sense of surprise, tell him the really BIG surprise will be when you say no if it''s a ring you really hate!

that should give him pause to think!

in all seriousness - if you can say this with a smile on your face and a laugh in your voice, it might pull him up a bit and make him realize that this is important to you - deadly important...

good luck!

 

[princessplease]

I agree with everyone else. I would ask him if you could talk about basics, such as what you like and don't like. I'm not trying to sound materialistic as a ring is a symbol of the love and commitment, but if you dislike yellow gold and he gets you yellow gold, then you may not enjoy your ring as much or could come to just not like it. After all, you are wearing it forever.
I think a conversation about general information would be best. That way, all you've told him is about your likes and dislikes, and he can run with it from there! There would still be a complete element of surprise to that too. If you say "Honey, I like thinner bands and white gold with a princess or RB stone" there are a million combinations to be had!

 

[lilylover]

Thanks for all the encouragement, ladies! I told him tonight. We were in the car and I was like, "I know you said you didn''t want me to talk about it, but I am going to tell you anyway. I really like thinner bands, like 2mm. My fingers are small so I think that would look best on me!"

He didn''t get mad at all, and was like, "Um, I know! You may not realize this but I actually do pay attention."



....Maybe I am worrying for nothing! Regardless, I am happy we have that straightened out!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/13/2009 4:18:15 PM
Author:lilylover
For those of you that are in the complete dark about what your FFI will buy you, are you worried at all that you might not like it, or it won't be what you were expecting?

Of course, you'll love it for what it represents, etc. etc.

Today I asked my BF if I could tell him a tiny but super important detail about what I would like in a ring. He 100 percent doesn't want me to talk about it at all. His response was, 'No! If you keep on talking about rings I am going to buy it, put it in an envelope, and mail it to you! I wish you'd respect that I don't want to talk about it. I want there to be at least some illusion of an element of surpise and magic, and you talking about it ruins that for me.'

He was joking about the mailing it to me part, of course. But.. it's driving me nuts. For example, I really want a thin band. Nothing more than 2.5mm. I am afraid that he'll buy me something thicker and it'll look weird on my small 4.75 finger.

I feel bad that I worry about this. It makes me feel a tad materialistic.

You know what? Don't worry that it makes you feel materialistic. I don't. And I don't really like my ring.

Let me tell you about my engagement ring...

I picked out the stones (yes there were two spinel that were to be considered) from the internet. I refused to see them before he picked one because I wanted him to have some choice and for me to have at least some surprise. The stones took something like 2-3 months to find and were custom cut for me. I researched for months about what kind of ring I wanted. I spent close the 30 hours photoshopping my design (I'm not very good with photoshop). I had every single detail written down on a sheet with pictures of the stones, inspiration settings and my design. It has these elements, here they are in order of importance (however, I didn't indicate that on the paper):

1. 2mm shank
2. 6 prongs
3. 14kt gold
4. no diamonds
5. flowy, fluid, organic
6. split shank
7. unusual/unique elements
One thing I didn't put on there was that I didn't want a trellis type setting.

What I got (in no particular order):
1. curvy
2. trellis
3. a tapering shank from 2.25mm-3.75mm next to the stone
4. Vatche Royal Crown replica
5. 14kt
6. 6 prongs
7. no diamonds

When I got it, I was thrilled. I was engaged to my best friend and couldn't be happier! Except that I didn't like my ring. I LOVED the stone, and he made the right choice on that one. But because he wanted to propose quickly (he waited until only 3 weeks before we left to go to Vegas to go to the jewelry store--right at Christmas rush) he had to choose a stock setting or decide to postpone proposing. He chose stock (with my BFF's prompting) and went with what they had. Don't get me wrong, it's a gorgeous ring, and I think it's a lovely setting, but the MOST important element *to me* was that it had a thin shank. And this one doesn't.

This really hit me when I went to go try on wedding bands when I was at a store. I didn't like anything with my ring. Now part of the problem is that I have shorter stubbier fingers, and the thinner band makes them look longer and skinnier. But the major part for me is that it was uncomfortable. Also, I had envisioned the ering to go with a 2mm wedding band. This shank is almost 4mm wide, and the wedding band that looks ok with it would have to be around 3.5mm wide or so. So I tried on three rings: 3.5mm plain band, 4mm scattered diamond band, and a 4mm channel set sapphire band. Those looked ok with it, but hovering around 7-8mm mark? No way.

So I went home and was kind of glum about it. FI knew something was up, and I told him what the deal was. He immediately offered to get the custom ring made since he had wanted to do that in the first place, but time constrictions messed him up. And he isn't the type to say, "You can never change your ring." He wanted me to have what I wanted, period. And it came in handy that my ring was less than half of what he had saved to spend on it, AND what I wanted made him feel cheap (silly boy!).

So I'm still wearing my Vatche replica, but we put a deposit down last weekend for my custom reset. And I'm going to put another stone into this setting, and have essentially two erings.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that if you have a very specific idea in mind for your ring, you may not appreciate it if your BF/FI deviates from it too much. If I could go back in time, I would stick with my sheet of paper, but I would add a list to it that says, "These are my priorities, listed in order of importance." because I would have been happy with a skinny banded 6 prong solitaire. It's the thick band that screwed it all up for me.

So that's what I'd suggest. Pick 3-5 elements you want it to have for sure, and give him a list. Sometimes what he picks works out (Kittybean's ering) and sometimes it doesn't (mine) but it's ALWAYS given with love, and that's the most important thing. And there will always be other pieces of jewelry in the future.

Stone search
Engagement story
SMTR/realizing I didn't like the ring/discussion of custom reset

ETA: sorry my post is so long. I hope it was interesting at least!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/14/2009 2:35:40 AM
Author: lilylover
Thanks for all the encouragement, ladies! I told him tonight. We were in the car and I was like, ''I know you said you didn''t want me to talk about it, but I am going to tell you anyway. I really like thinner bands, like 2mm. My fingers are small so I think that would look best on me!''


He didn''t get mad at all, and was like, ''Um, I know! You may not realize this but I actually do pay attention.''




....Maybe I am worrying for nothing! Regardless, I am happy we have that straightened out!

Good! Maybe he''s been taking notes on what you like in regards to rings for longer than you thought? Or that it didn''t all go in one ear and out the other?

Either way, sounds like maybe he will pick out a good ring for you. And I am really glad he didn''t get annoyed that you spoke up--he and I might''ve needed to have some words if he had gotten mad.