A Thread for Those Caring for Aging Parents etc.

[KaeKae]

Maja PLEASE do share as you wish. Though our situations are quite different, I am doing the same and am SO grateful I can. We have a wonderful support here.

The South Jersey weather (south to me, really central shore area) looked iffy yesterday, so I let my brother do the visits, knowing I could spend several hours today, when he is at work. However last night was rough, as aunt later told a friend who called that the place is crazy, they have no bed for her. Not true. She had been brought out to the day rom, and fell asleep. She also claimed that no one is coming to see her, though B was there twice yesterday. Apparently, she had some choice words for the staff, calling them B*itches. That is SO not her usual MO. I called and reassured her that B had been there. And that the staff is wonderful, but she has to tell them what she needs.

So, today about 4.5 of the 5 hours there, I watching my aunt sleep. When she did wake, she mostly said how she doesn't understand what is happening, why it's happening. I tried to reassure that while she's been sick, the flu is gone, pneumonia is as well, and she'll feel better soon.

I sat in on her physical therapy session, which seemed good to me, but the PT admitted to me that she's changed so much in the past few weeks. The speech therapist also came, I took the dog for a walk at that time, but saw the therapist as she came out, she said aunt nodded off during most of the session.

Now my brother, sil and I are wondering if the daytime sleep is part of the evening problems. If she gets up and is disruptive again tonight, we are going to have to call and insist on a plan to help her reset her personal clock.

 

[KaeKae]

BIG VENT. Thank you so much for letting me do it here. I am coming off two VERY different days.

Yesterday was wild. The rehab decided to return my aunt to her regular floor, in hope that being in a familiar place, with familiar faces would help her settle down. It has, but that took about 24 hours.

I was there about 4 hours yesterday, and from the first moment, she was brutal. Arguing over every little thing. No matter how I answered a question, it was the wrong answer. She told me, repeatedly that she would never do anything like this to me and wanted to know what had she done to be treated this way. No amount of explanation of the flu and pneumonia got through. She denied that it was true. Yes, she was calling me a liar, and I called her on that. (that did get her to stop, for a moment.) Then she would move onto the fact that we had to let go of her apartment when she moved into the first nursing home (that's another long story) Eventually, my brother joined me and it all continued, with him along for the ride.

When B got there, I went to find the restroom and take a break. I called SIL, to fill her in, then put her on speakerphone, so she could listen in when I returned to the room. She was floored. B and I left when she was getting ready for bed, went back to their house and called for pizza and opened wine. Thank goodness I have them and I could stay there last night!

Today, I went over and it was like night and day. The first moment, I received an apology, though she maintains that everything she said was true. (Okay.,... but she DID fracture her knee 3 years ago, which put her in the NH and she DID agree to that then, and she DID have the flu and pneumonia starting 10 days ago.) So, the move was a good decision. She says she feels lousy, and no doubt she does, but she's recovered from the illnesses and is being weaned off oxygen. The pulmonologist is ordering further tests, to be sure he knows everything to know.

And, on a lighter note, I LOVE her new roommate. She's a bit of a busy body, but she is alert, clear headed and not afraid to tell aunt when she needs something, needs to do something or not do it.

OH, and the one thing that got my aunt calm for two minutes was pulling out her rosary beads. I was ready to start saying the rosary with her, but didn't get to that. And, today, we went to get ashes (I'm actually Lutheran now, but we do them too.) then stayed in the rec room for music and, big one, I got her to go to lunch in the dining room. She needs to get out for those things. Lunch is a social affair, it takes a good hour, and the two ladies she sits with are lovely.

I'm so happy to be home.

 

[junebug17]

Oh boy KaeKae, yes, lots going on, you must be wiped out! Well, the good news is your aunt seems to be coming around a little and her mood was better the second day. Fingers crossed it continues! It would be great if she gets back into doing social things, the interaction is good for her and it breaks up the day.

 

[missy]

@KaeKae wow I am exhausted reading what you went through. You are such a wonderful niece and your aunt is lucky to have you there for her. I am sorry it is as challenging as it is. You are navigating through murky waters doing a great job that is certain. So sad as our loved ones age and their minds deteriorate. That is to me maybe the scariest part of aging. Don't get me wrong. Our bodies failing is no small thing but when our minds start losing altitude that is most upsetting at all. I am glad she seems to be improving and agree with @Junie that I hope it continues. And definitely social interaction can be key. Did you see that study I linked? It can be helpful to just interact with other people on a daily basis. Kudos on doing such a wonderful job with your ant and sending you continued good thoughts and (((hugs))).

 

[KaeKae]

Thanks Junebug and Missy.
I'm definitely feeling the results of the past two weeks today. Woke up sore and achy, like I was getting sick. I feel better, not that I'm up and moving around, but don't think I'm going to go down there today. I have an appointment for a haircut, made weeks ago, of course it's midday, but was thinking I'd go down after, but I don't' think so. Just in cast I AM coming down with something. Maybe I'll go pick a couple sparklies to wear to the salon.
Thanks again!

 

[junebug17]

I think it’s a good idea to take a break today KaeKae. Relax and focus on yourself for a bit, it’s been a rough few weeks.

 

[tyty333]

I agree with Junebug...you have to look out for yourself first or you will be no good for your Aunt. I know how exhausting dealing with the
elderly can be. It wears you down. Take time for yourself.

 

[KaeKae]

Quick update: I went down to see Aunt J today. Wow, what a difference. She is clearly still physically affected by the past two weeks. I happened to arrive during a session with the Physical Therapist and could hear them talking about how her legs are week. (Even in the hospital, she was able to walk across the room and back.) But emotionally, she's so much better. Back to her normal personality. Thank goodness!!! With the pneumonia gone, they are weaning her off the oxygen and moving forward with the PT. We had a nice visit and I finally got to get to know her new (since right before the illness) roommate a bit and she's great. (Even though she is sad, she used to live in the town where the high school shooting took place.)
I really KNEW she is on the mend when she started questioning me to be sure I'd eaten lunch and even tried to get me to go get myself some ice cream. Then she old me not to come again until the snow storm passing thru NJ this weekend is done.

 

[missy]

Yay! Fantastic update @KaeKae! Now get some rest and make sure to take good care of yourself. And can you believe we are getting snow this weekend and then it is supposed to be 65 Tuesday and 70 degrees by Wednesday. LOL.

 

[junebug17]

Oh that is just great KaeKae! I'm so glad she's in better spirits and more like her old self Ditto Missy, make sure you rest and relax, and pamper yourself a little!

 

[CJ2008]

That's awesome to hear kaekae!

 

[KaeKae]

Ugh, ugh. I was going to go down to see Aunt today, but decided to wait until tomorrow. Looks like I dodged a bullet?
She called my brother's house, and got SIL, who is home today with the kids. Ranting and raving about how she's better, the doctor said so and why aren't "they" here to take her out of there. "They" is my brother and....me? It wasn't clear. She thinks she's in the hospital. Claims that if they don't come, she'll call some one else, because she "knows people." Who? I don't know! Poor SIL took all the abuse B and I didn last week, but over the phone. SIL called the unit nurse, who went to check on her. Waiting now to see if the nurse calls SIL or my brother.

We are wondering if they took Aunt off the Bipap treatments or even the oxygen she's been getting all day.

 

[missy]

KaeKae aww I am sorry. Can you speak to a nurse or healthcare worker who might be able to give you more info about why your aunt's mood changed all of a sudden? If there was a change in meds shouldn't some one know about it there who you can speak to?

 

[KaeKae]

You read our minds, @missy
My brother was able to speak with the unit nurse, who says Aunt has been refusing the Bipap treatments and taking off the oxygen tube.
We are thinking there is a direct connection to her CO2 levels and if she's not taking those Bipap treatments, her levels must be going up. Every time it happens, she starts saying crazy things, making crazy accusations. Tomorrow, B is going to schedule a meeting with the care team for as soon as possible. (My schedule is more flexible, so he needs to make the appointment.) Hopefully we can do that this week.
This is the third facility she's been at in three years. It's by far the best, we feel confident that they will work with us, but it's so unsettling right now. Poor SIL was the target this time. I'm not even going to try to call our Aunt. Why stir the pot more?

 

[tyty333]

KaeKae...tell you SIL to not take anything she says personally. That it is the lack of oxygen, medication, and symptoms of old age that are causing
her to say what she says. You really have to develop a thick skin to deal with some elders. Your Aunt may be one of them. I remember my MIL
had my SIL in tears one time she came to visit/help out with my MIL. MIL told SIL to lose some weight before she came back. She said it
right after they had said their good-byes and right before she closed the door behind my SIL so she ( SIL) couldnt even respond to the rude comment.
SIL said she cried half the way home (4 hours). SIL is a nurse and had come down to help out with MIL for a long weekend. MIL is not even her
Mother.

The sad thing is that you just want the best for them so they can be happy but it seems like at some point there is just no making them happy.
My advice...develop a thick skin.

 

[Maja]

Oh @KaeKae, I'm so sorry to hear of the roller coaster you and B (and SIL) are on, it does seem as if the lows are much worse than the highs are pleasant--hope I'm not being too obnoxious by saying that, but taking care of elders with these problems is hard work, and the rewards might be scant.

Your aunt is lucky to have you and your B to supervise her care, it gets so complicated with the medications and procedures to be followed.

My 87 year old aunt is in assisted living about 10 minutes away from my parents house (which is also where I live, because I moved in to help with my parents as they age) and I'm glad every day that Auntie is physically safe, she is warm, she has regular meals and visitors, and no one is taking advantage of diminished mental acuity, her physical frailty, etc. It's hard to watch but she is safe and well-cared for, so I take comfort in that thought.

You are doing a great job and I bet it is nothing you were trained in or prepared for! So hurray for being brave!

 

[KaeKae]

tyty, thank you so much for all the support, we've been telling each other so much of what you said, but it helps to hear it from you, too. I think you are right, we just cannot make her happy now. What she wants is to go home, and she just can't.

Maja, thank you, too, for the words that back up what we are doing. She IS safe here. We know that. Even if we were to get her into assisted living, as we are talking (though thinking it will never get to happen) one fall, and she'll be back where she is, because she's just not physically strong enough. I just wish she could find some happiness in the living arraignments she has and the incredible people working there. They all work so hard, and offer such kindness, even when they don't know I can see.

I drove down today. SIL warned me that aunt was anxious and unhappy, but she'd also not been wearing the oxygen tube. By the time I got there, she was calm and sitting in the Day room with her roommate and others. I got lots of laughs from them as my dog Rosie wandered around looking for food on the floor and pets from the people.. But she's still not happy. And didn't care who heard. My brother got more when he went over after work. Poor guy.

I'll go back later in the week, but I just can't do the 3 hour round trip every day, now that she's not sick. I come back stressed out and exhausted. And I'm not even working right now. In fact, I'm starting to miss that. Preschoolers and special ed classes are less taxing sometimes!

 

[junebug17]

KaeKae, I'm sorry your aunt is continuing to be unhappy and sometimes confused. I agree with others that that there's only so much you can do. You and your brother are doing your best but as you said, you just can't make her happy right now. Try not to let it get to you if you possibly can. I know it's hard. Hopefully her care team will have some suggestions. Sending lots of hugs and support - hang in there!

 

[KaeKae]

We are meeting with Aunt's care team today. Weirdly, they had a meeting set, and never informed us. I just happened to call yesterday to request a meeting as soon as possible. (Her assigned social worker just returned from leave, she apologized multiple times about not informing of us earlier. Apparently, she is usually in charge of those letters, so they haven't been going out. Yes, we know, that's why we had to hold a second meeting in December, to make up for the November meeting we missed.)

Aunt J's delusions are growing. She told SIL about a conversation with an old friend, who supposedly told her she could live with her. Never happened.
Fingers crossed.

Upbeat side note: Yesterday, DH surprised me with last minute tickets to the Billy Joel concert. Awesome early birthday present for me! And, great distraction.

 

[junebug17]

I'm sorry KaeKae, it's hard to see someone we care about not doing well, hugs to you. It's hard sometimes to pinpoint the cause of this confusion in elderly people, I guess sometimes it's just an aging thing. dehydration can cause confusion. Is she getting enough fluids? My mother had to be prompted to drink liquids but it was hard to get her to drink enough. UTIs can cause confusion too. Just throwing things out there.

Yay for concert tickets! Love Billy Joel, so sweet of your husband. Yes, go and don't think about any of this for a while lol!

 

[KaeKae]

The meeting went well yesterday. Unfortunately, Aunt J slept through it.
But, it was also good to speak freely with the staff, who have been seeing and been concerned about the same things as we are.
Today, we are hoping she will see the psychologist for a consult. We'll see what he recommends.

The concert was Tuesday night, and it was great.

 

[junebug17]

Sounds like you and the staff are keeping on top of things KaeKae - you're doing all you can, and your aunt is lucky to have you in her corner. Glad you had a great time at the concert!

 

[KaeKae]

I saw Aunt J on Saturday. She was more subdued with me. Mostly just that. Right after I got there the physical therapist came in for her session. It took some urging to get her to do anything, she said, "What's the point? I'm not going anywhere!" That was hard to hear. Maybe in her clearer moments, she's starting to understand she's not able to be on her own, but then is she also giving up?

Then, that night, she called my brother again, raging that he needs to come get her and take both her and her roommate out of there. They are leaving and leaving TOGETHER. Oh, boy.

At the meeting last week, it was suggested they could get the doctor to write a script for a nightly glass of wine if we and Aunt J might like that. Sure. She used to love a glass of pino grigio. I'll supply it by the gallon, if they want. (Actually, they would want the little bottles) I'm going to call today to see if that's still on the table. After her eval with the psychologist last week, they put her on Zoloft. I don't know if that can mix with a drink.

We are afraid this change is permanent.

 

[KaeKae]

Oh, and during the PT, she was so weak. Could barely do the leg lifts with the bad leg and walked just 10 or 12 steps, with the walker, the PT right up beside her, pulling the wheelchair right behind her, so she could sit down if needed. If she really wants to one day live on her own, she'd have a long way to go to get to that point, physically.

 

[missy]

I saw Aunt J on Saturday. She was more subdued with me. Mostly just that. Right after I got there the physical therapist came in for her session. It took some urging to get her to do anything, she said, "What's the point? I'm not going anywhere!" That was hard to hear. Maybe in her clearer moments, she's starting to understand she's not able to be on her own, but then is she also giving up?

Then, that night, she called my brother again, raging that he needs to come get her and take both her and her roommate out of there. They are leaving and leaving TOGETHER. Oh, boy.

At the meeting last week, it was suggested they could get the doctor to write a script for a nightly glass of wine if we and Aunt J might like that. Sure. She used to love a glass of pino grigio. I'll supply it by the gallon, if they want. (Actually, they would want the little bottles) I'm going to call today to see if that's still on the table. After her eval with the psychologist last week, they put her on Zoloft. I don't know if that can mix with a drink.

We are afraid this change is permanent.

Gosh I am sorry @KaeKae and I hope it isn't a permanent change but just her adjusting to the new meds and new situation. It can take time to get everything balanced and in sync so hopefully things will improve for her and you guys too. You are in such a challenging position. You want what is best for her but what is best for her isn't something she wants to accept. And who can blame her because it is hard to accept you are at a point in your life that you may not be able to go back home. You are doing everything you can to make her life better and I am sorry you are all going through this. Sending more good wishes and hugs your way.

 

[KaeKae]

Thank you, Missy. We are taking it one day at a time.
Today, I'm going to take care of me, and my house. Got to get to the gym and do some things around here. Then, if the nurse okays it, I'll go buy that wine to bring to her tomorrow. (well, bring to the nurse, who will "serve" it to her each night!) Maybe I'll get something for me, too.

 

[missy]

Thank you, Missy. We are taking it one day at a time.
Today, I'm going to take care of me, and my house. Got to get to the gym and do some things around here. Then, if the nurse okays it, I'll go buy that wine to bring to her tomorrow. (well, bring to the nurse, who will "serve" it to her each night!) Maybe I'll get something for me, too.

Yesssss! I like that KaeKae and am so glad you are going to take care of yourself today. Big (((HUGS))). To take care of everyone else you need to make sure you take good care of yourself. One day at a time makes everything more manageable. Hang in there you are doing unbelievably well given the circumstances.

 

[Maja]

I've read the discussions on here, and I'm struck by how much people are able to accomplish, for the good of others, with little to no warning or preparation. Things happen so fast, whether it is one illness cascading after another, dealing with whatever chronic issues are already in place, or the many other things I haven't specified but the one thing in common seems to be that the older person, the target of all this care, does not cooperate. And through it all, the carer has to not let their own life or self get destroyed. I know I'm not saying anything new, but also, who knew there would be so much else to learn? I know more about volume depletion and dehydration in the elderly now than I ever imagined existed, and I'll keep learning so I can make life better for my dad who can't do it for himself.

My folks have good insurance, so as awful as the ER visits and the hospital stays have been it means there is a lot of follow-up at home. My dad was home by New Year's, so we've had two months now of speech therapists, occupational therapists, physical therapists, home health aides, assessment visits by nurses or administrators, lots and lots of cars in the driveway. My dad has made good progress so those visits are about to end, and my mom has now hired a home health care person to help with shower/shave, etc. She went through an elder care manager, which there are a few of around here, but I live in a major metro area and don't know if these organizing people are in all parts of the country (I'm in US). My life has stabilized, too, since the contractors finished converting the walk-out basement to a lovely little apartment for DH and me. I know it will get awful again, and I don't know how or when that will happen, so I'm taking this month to stick to my routines, declutter, shine my sink, eat on a routine so I don't get cranky from hunger, do all my old exercises and slot in some new ones for a bit of a challenge. You know, all those things I should be doing anyway, but let slide either because things are crazy and I "can't" get to them, or things are going well, and I think, "Nah, drop the boring stuff, do something funner instead." roll It is a very small apartment, and I am so glad I got rid of so much before we moved (DR table & chairs, kitchen table & chairs, almost all my bed linens, almost all my bathroom towels, all the bookcases and most books, all the mattresses and bed frames, side table, night stands, dressers, mirrors) but there is even more to get rid of now (I saved way too much glassware, too many decorative things I can't use here, that sort of thing). So many memories, so many lovely things that were useful and attractive. All part of my old life.

And I did go ahead and buy a lovely ring, because after all, diamonds take up so little space I felt I could justify it. I mean, they weigh practically nothing, right?. I'll post it in SMTB as soon as I get decent pictures.

Meanwhile, take it one day at a time and be flexible and innovative seems to be a good set of guidelines. That and work your littleAnnie off. At least, that seems to be how most of the posters on here get through it. You've all been great, and have welcomed me and I thank you. Like I said, I don't know when it will get crazy again, or when the day to day grind will overwhelm me again, but I'm doing so much better than a few weeks ago. Thank you.

 

[KaeKae]

Maja, I'm so glad you updated. You have been through a lot, it's overwhelming, isn't it? Especially if you don't' take things day by day, hour by hour. And, I totally understand you as you say things will get harder again. Unfortunately, that's the way it's headed. For all of us, I know, but in the short term, mostly for the older generation. Hang in there.

I went down to see Aunt J today. She was calm and mostly upbeat, or at least, not down. Almost everything she said was sensible, except that she still claims that they take them all some where else at night. She doesn't know where! She also doesn't have a real concept of her surroundings in general. Every time I visit, she wonders what is in the house across from her window. Every time, I tell her it's the main entrance, and she should go see, it's all window, open and bright. There are sofas and chairs, and there always people sitting and enjoying the day there She claims to then remember it, but I don't know.

With the storm coming in Wednesday, I'll go again Thursday or Friday, depending on the roads.

 

[KaeKae]

Hey there! Just a quick update. Got a very nice call from Aunt J today. She just wanted to talk. No complaints, not at all. A little later, I heard from SIL, that she, too, had a call and it was completely positive! Aunt J has been all but nasty to SIL lately. Definitely rude, refusing to speak to SIL, demanding to speak to my brother, instead Really, I think that's because SIL is a direct person, who answers her honestly, meaning doesn't give Aunt J the answers she wants. Not that B and I do, but we are "family" so she doesn't hold the grudge the same way. Fingers crossed that this means she is feeling well and the Zoloft is really taking effect!