A hard decision

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:34:29 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/9/2010 2:23:35 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

Get your facts straight! Please read more carefully.

Tactful? Written with poise? The hypocrisy between what you expect (DEMAND!) from others & what you dish out is staggering.

Wow.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:30:41 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
I can admit when I was wrong but really, there is no need for personal attacks. I was overwhelmed by everything everyone said. Understandably so because I felt it wasn''t even related to the topic. To me it came off as an opportunity to get out your personal vendettas against me that you''ve been holding back and now since everyone was being snarky, you all could. I really enjoy posting on here but sometimes things get too intense and that is why I will be considering not posting anymore. All it does is get me worked up. I guess I don''t understand the need for the attacks, that really hurt me. I KNOW I have things to work on but there is no need to rub it in my face.

Smurfy -

Instead of taking the initial posts as personal attacks, try to step outside of your situation and think about if your friend came to you with this situation. You''d be a bad friend if you didn''t try to help her do what''s best for her long-term, because while sometimes people die young (and that''s a tragedy), it''s irresponsible to go on vacation when you''re facing job loss and have to take money from your parents for things. Unfortunately, nobody is entitled to vacation. I wish we were. We all have to work to keep a roof over our heads.

The problem is, like other threads where you ask for advice but don''t seem to want any of it, you react to one part of the post and dismiss solid advice because it doesn''t match what you want to hear. I don''t think anybody has a vendetta against you, but there is some understandable frustration when people see you disregarding advice again and again. It''s like watching somebody try to drive drunk - no matter how angry they get or how much they protest at the time, you take away their keys. And if they''re smart, they''ll wake up with a clear head and thank you. And if not...well, nothing good happens.

The best thing for your sanity may be to stop posting financial information here, and speak with a good financial advisor (and whoever said before that this advisor should be fired if they''re encouraging vacation is, unfortunately, right).

 

[meresal]

Personally speaking, my post was not intended to be a personal attack at you or your husband, it was strictly in reponse to what you have posted about in the recent months.

I have lost a few friends due to their financial troubles. One was a best friend of mine, and I told her that if she couldn''t stop complaining about her money problems and then going on shopping spree''s each pay check, I couldn''t spend time with her anymore. We stopped hanging out for almost 4 months, before she realized that me and some of the other girls in our group were just being honest with her.

What I said to you, is what I have said in real life. From watching my friend change, I know that it is a hard thing to do, but she is in a much better place now, and is actually talking about buying a house and able to pay for her own wedding. All she did was stop shopping, didn''t take any trips, and paid off her debts. All of her savings is hers now. She is the happiest I have ever seen her. Haven was right, that being financially "Black" is one of the best feelings in the world.

I know it is hard to think about, but what if you put your honeymoon off and make it a celebration trip for when you pay off all of your debt? Just do something close to Denver for your honeymoon, like many people have posted? Denver is an amazingly beautiful city and I''m sure, since you just moved there, you and your husband can find lots of fun things to do for the first time.

Re: You original question, I would think that your family would be ok with you not attending either event, if you just shared with them, that you all are having financial troubles and need to save everything possible right now. Do they know that you are going to be losing your job?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:40:50 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/9/2010 2:30:41 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

I can admit when I was wrong but really, there is no need for personal attacks. I was overwhelmed by everything everyone said. Understandably so because I felt it wasn''t even related to the topic. To me it came off as an opportunity to get out your personal vendettas against me that you''ve been holding back and now since everyone was being snarky, you all could. I really enjoy posting on here but sometimes things get too intense and that is why I will be considering not posting anymore. All it does is get me worked up. I guess I don''t understand the need for the attacks, that really hurt me. I KNOW I have things to work on but there is no need to rub it in my face.

Smurfy -


Instead of taking the initial posts as personal attacks, try to step outside of your situation and think about if your friend came to you with this situation. You''d be a bad friend if you didn''t try to help her do what''s best for her long-term, because while sometimes people die young (and that''s a tragedy), it''s irresponsible to go on vacation when you''re facing job loss and have to take money from your parents for things. Unfortunately, nobody is entitled to vacation. I wish we were. We all have to work to keep a roof over our heads.


The problem is, like other threads where you ask for advice but don''t seem to want any of it, you react to one part of the post and dismiss solid advice because it doesn''t match what you want to hear. I don''t think anybody has a vendetta against you, but there is some understandable frustration when people see you disregarding advice again and again. It''s like watching somebody try to drive drunk - no matter how angry they get or how much they protest at the time, you take away their keys. And if they''re smart, they''ll wake up with a clear head and thank you. And if not...well, nothing good happens.


The best thing for your sanity may be to stop posting financial information here, and speak with a good financial advisor (and whoever said before that this advisor should be fired if they''re encouraging vacation is, unfortunately, right).

I get that people are trying to help and I get what they are saying. The thing I don''t get is why they had to state these things in such a harsh way (that is way it was perceived from my point of view). All of us behind the screen have feelings.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:30:41 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
I can admit when I was wrong but really, there is no need for personal attacks. I was overwhelmed by everything everyone said. Understandably so because I felt it wasn''t even related to the topic. To me it came off as an opportunity to get out your personal vendettas against me that you''ve been holding back and now since everyone was being snarky, you all could. I really enjoy posting on here but sometimes things get too intense and that is why I will be considering not posting anymore. All it does is get me worked up. I guess I don''t understand the need for the attacks, that really hurt me. I KNOW I have things to work on but there is no need to rub it in my face.

Smurfy, at the beginning of this thread no one was attacking and no one had any vendettas against you. Everyone was trying to be helpful and give the best advice they could. When you got upset, some members got frustrated and there was some snarkiness. I know I''m sorry for anything I said and others are as well, but you really can''t blame us for getting frustrated - everyone tries to help you as a friend and the conversation ends with you storming out and feeling attacked. And some of the things you said at the beginning of the post were quite snarky as well, so it seems like the pot calling the kettle black here.

No one was rubbing anything in your face, they were trying to give you sound financial advice. I''m also glad that you listened to what Haven said because she wrote what everyone else was trying to tell you from the beginning.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:42:31 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 1/9/2010 2:40:50 PM

Author: princesss

Date: 1/9/2010 2:30:41 PM


Author: Smurfyimproved


I can admit when I was wrong but really, there is no need for personal attacks. I was overwhelmed by everything everyone said. Understandably so because I felt it wasn''t even related to the topic. To me it came off as an opportunity to get out your personal vendettas against me that you''ve been holding back and now since everyone was being snarky, you all could. I really enjoy posting on here but sometimes things get too intense and that is why I will be considering not posting anymore. All it does is get me worked up. I guess I don''t understand the need for the attacks, that really hurt me. I KNOW I have things to work on but there is no need to rub it in my face.

Smurfy -



Instead of taking the initial posts as personal attacks, try to step outside of your situation and think about if your friend came to you with this situation. You''d be a bad friend if you didn''t try to help her do what''s best for her long-term, because while sometimes people die young (and that''s a tragedy), it''s irresponsible to go on vacation when you''re facing job loss and have to take money from your parents for things. Unfortunately, nobody is entitled to vacation. I wish we were. We all have to work to keep a roof over our heads.



The problem is, like other threads where you ask for advice but don''t seem to want any of it, you react to one part of the post and dismiss solid advice because it doesn''t match what you want to hear. I don''t think anybody has a vendetta against you, but there is some understandable frustration when people see you disregarding advice again and again. It''s like watching somebody try to drive drunk - no matter how angry they get or how much they protest at the time, you take away their keys. And if they''re smart, they''ll wake up with a clear head and thank you. And if not...well, nothing good happens.



The best thing for your sanity may be to stop posting financial information here, and speak with a good financial advisor (and whoever said before that this advisor should be fired if they''re encouraging vacation is, unfortunately, right).

I get that people are trying to help and I get what they are saying. The thing I don''t get is why they had to state these things in such a harsh way (that is way it was perceived from my point of view). All of us behind the screen have feelings.

Yes, they do. I know you''ve got feelings, but remember the people that you chew out for giving honest advice ALSO have feelings.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:41:44 PM
Author: meresal
Re: You original question, I would think that your family would be ok with you not attending either event, if you just shared with them, that you all are having financial troubles and need to save everything possible right now. Do they know that you are going to be losing your job?

Yes they are aware of this. I mean obviously if I can''t find a job within 2 months of the intended vacation, we won''t go. I''m not that stupid. And like I have said, we have canceled things that would be fun for us before. I am simply planning on keeping saving as if we will be able to go and if I cannot find a job by a certain time everything will be canceled. The reason I asked the question in the first place is so that I don''t have to tell certain people something isn''t going to happen for us so soon before the event.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:44:29 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/9/2010 2:42:31 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 1/9/2010 2:40:50 PM


Author: princesss

Date: 1/9/2010 2:30:41 PM



Author: Smurfyimproved



I can admit when I was wrong but really, there is no need for personal attacks. I was overwhelmed by everything everyone said. Understandably so because I felt it wasn''t even related to the topic. To me it came off as an opportunity to get out your personal vendettas against me that you''ve been holding back and now since everyone was being snarky, you all could. I really enjoy posting on here but sometimes things get too intense and that is why I will be considering not posting anymore. All it does is get me worked up. I guess I don''t understand the need for the attacks, that really hurt me. I KNOW I have things to work on but there is no need to rub it in my face.

Smurfy -




Instead of taking the initial posts as personal attacks, try to step outside of your situation and think about if your friend came to you with this situation. You''d be a bad friend if you didn''t try to help her do what''s best for her long-term, because while sometimes people die young (and that''s a tragedy), it''s irresponsible to go on vacation when you''re facing job loss and have to take money from your parents for things. Unfortunately, nobody is entitled to vacation. I wish we were. We all have to work to keep a roof over our heads.




The problem is, like other threads where you ask for advice but don''t seem to want any of it, you react to one part of the post and dismiss solid advice because it doesn''t match what you want to hear. I don''t think anybody has a vendetta against you, but there is some understandable frustration when people see you disregarding advice again and again. It''s like watching somebody try to drive drunk - no matter how angry they get or how much they protest at the time, you take away their keys. And if they''re smart, they''ll wake up with a clear head and thank you. And if not...well, nothing good happens.




The best thing for your sanity may be to stop posting financial information here, and speak with a good financial advisor (and whoever said before that this advisor should be fired if they''re encouraging vacation is, unfortunately, right).

I get that people are trying to help and I get what they are saying. The thing I don''t get is why they had to state these things in such a harsh way (that is way it was perceived from my point of view). All of us behind the screen have feelings.

Yes, they do. I know you''ve got feelings, but remember the people that you chew out for giving honest advice ALSO have feelings.

I am aware that I was hostile and am sorry if anything said hurt or offended anyone. I''m not usually that way but felt bombarded and that is how I reacted.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:46:04 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 1/9/2010 2:41:44 PM
Author: meresal
Re: You original question, I would think that your family would be ok with you not attending either event, if you just shared with them, that you all are having financial troubles and need to save everything possible right now. Do they know that you are going to be losing your job?

Yes they are aware of this. I mean obviously if I can''t find a job within 2 months of the intended vacation, we won''t go. I''m not that stupid. And like I have said, we have canceled things that would be fun for us before. I am simply planning on keeping saving as if we will be able to go and if I cannot find a job by a certain time everything will be canceled. The reason I asked the question in the first place is so that I don''t have to tell certain people something isn''t going to happen for us so soon before the event.

This is very different from anything you said at the beginning of this post. Whenever your impending job loss was brought up, you made no mention of your goal of finding a job in 2 months or cancelling all trips. If you had made that clear from the beginning, I''m sure this thread would have turned out very differently. As it is, you got defensive and acted like everyone was attacking you. We can only post based on what you have written - if you read back over what you have shared about your financial situation in the past few months, and look at it objectively, I think you''ll understand why people wrote what they wrote. Don''t change the story now and act like we''re stupid for not reading your mind in the first place.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:49:46 PM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 1/9/2010 2:46:04 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 1/9/2010 2:41:44 PM

Author: meresal

Re: You original question, I would think that your family would be ok with you not attending either event, if you just shared with them, that you all are having financial troubles and need to save everything possible right now. Do they know that you are going to be losing your job?

Yes they are aware of this. I mean obviously if I can''t find a job within 2 months of the intended vacation, we won''t go. I''m not that stupid. And like I have said, we have canceled things that would be fun for us before. I am simply planning on keeping saving as if we will be able to go and if I cannot find a job by a certain time everything will be canceled. The reason I asked the question in the first place is so that I don''t have to tell certain people something isn''t going to happen for us so soon before the event.

This is very different from anything you said at the beginning of this post. Whenever your impending job loss was brought up, you made no mention of your goal of finding a job in 2 months or cancelling all trips. If you had made that clear from the beginning, I''m sure this thread would have turned out very differently. As it is, you got defensive and acted like everyone was attacking you. We can only post based on what you have written - if you read back over what you have shared about your financial situation in the past few months, and look at it objectively, I think you''ll understand why people wrote what they wrote. Don''t change the story now and act like we''re stupid for not reading your mind in the first place.

Well I''m sorry I didn''t clarify, I didn''t think to add that in I guess because it seemed like I was busy just trying to answer all the other questions. It didn''t come into my head until meresal wrote what she did.

 

[Blair138]

I get that people are trying to help and I get what they are saying. The thing I don''t get is why they had to state these things in such a harsh way (that is way it was perceived from my point of view). All of us behind the screen have feelings.[/quote]


Smurfy-You do have a point, yes some of us were harsh, myself probably included. However, please realize that sometimes the truth hurts, and if you don''t want to hear it, it may seem more hurtful than it actually is. I hope that you do get a job and that you can do what is right for you this summer, but please keep in mind that no one here wants to see you in a bad spot, that is why we were all honest with you.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 2:53:30 PM
Author: Blair138
I get that people are trying to help and I get what they are saying. The thing I don''t get is why they had to state these things in such a harsh way (that is way it was perceived from my point of view). All of us behind the screen have feelings.

Smurfy-You do have a point, yes some of us were harsh, myself probably included. However, please realize that sometimes the truth hurts, and if you don''t want to hear it, it may seem more hurtful than it actually is. I hope that you do get a job and that you can do what is right for you this summer, but please keep in mind that no one here wants to see you in a bad spot, that is why we were all honest with you. [/quote]


I do understand that. I tend to be a very sensitive person IRL and here which is why sometimes I react the way I do.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Wow, big thread.

Anyway, Smurfy, I''d go to your sister''s wedding. One of my sisters did not come to my wedding for finacial reasons and she knew about our wedding for over a year. Many people offered to help her make it, including us, and she refused. I have two thoughts about that. She did not think that making our wedding was a priority and it really showed us how important family is to her. The other thought is that I would have been out of my mind pissed if I found out she went on vacation instead. If your family isn''t your priority, that is fine but it won''t go unnoticed.

Financial maturity is something you will have to come to grips with over time. I''m not going to lecture you on that.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Date: 1/8/2010 4:27:42 PM
Author: lucyandroger
I have a suggestion. My BF and I have been short on TIME recently so occasionally we do a vacation at home. We clean the apartment (now house) until it''s spotless beforehand and then act as if we''re on vacation. For us that means we get to eat out at fancy restaurants, go shopping in the fancy boutique stores, enjoy a walk around the monuments (we live right outside DC), go ice skating or bowling or catch a movie. Basically, we vacation in our hometown but really relax and recreate how we would be on vacation. It''s great because there''s no travel time and you feel like you can splurge on things because it''s never anywhere near as expensive as actually travelling and paying for airfare/hotel. Just a thought...

This is what my husband and I do! I''m a teacher so I get vaca''s all the time and my poor hubby only gets one week of vaca per year. When I''m on vaca and he''s not we can''t go anywhere so we try to make home like a vaca! We go out to eat a bunch, we go see movies, we go to the city to see a show, and it usually doesn''t cost to much. It''s a nice alternative when travel just isn''t feasible.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 3:05:16 PM
Author: emeraldlover1
Wow, big thread.


Anyway, Smurfy, I''d go to your sister''s wedding. One of my sisters did not come to my wedding for finacial reasons and she knew about our wedding for over a year. Many people offered to help her make it, including us, and she refused. I have two thoughts about that. She did not think that making our wedding was a priority and it really showed us how important family is to her. The other thought is that I would have been out of my mind pissed if I found out she went on vacation instead. If your family isn''t your priority, that is fine but it won''t go unnoticed.


Financial maturity is something you will have to come to grips with over time. I''m not going to lecture you on that.

I would love to be there, it''s just she picked her wedding date after we told her we going on our honeymoon sometime in the beginning of july
She picked her wedding to be the week before that. I would certainly go if we had help to get there. As it looks right now, we will not be taking any vacations so I doubt it will be an issue.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/9/2010 3:05:16 PM
Author: emeraldlover1
Wow, big thread.

Anyway, Smurfy, I'd go to your sister's wedding. One of my sisters did not come to my wedding for finacial reasons and she knew about our wedding for over a year. Many people offered to help her make it, including us, and she refused. I have two thoughts about that. She did not think that making our wedding was a priority and it really showed us how important family is to her. The other thought is that I would have been out of my mind pissed if I found out she went on vacation instead. If your family isn't your priority, that is fine but it won't go unnoticed.

Financial maturity is something you will have to come to grips with over time. I'm not going to lecture you on that.

I would venture to say that this wouldn't be an issue if Smurfy's parents or sister offered to pay for her to travel there. I'm sorry to read about your sister though. That is such a slap in the face, especially when you give a close family member such advance notice and offer to pay.

My sister had her 2nd wedding in Hawaii, and afterwards "wished" that people had been able to travel there. Not a chance, and I am a HUGE family person. We save for one major trip a year, and we had already paid for our upcoming trip when they decided to have it there, not to mention niether of us had the vacation to go, without giving up time at Christmas. (She got engaged Nov 07 and married June 08... and we paid for our trip in Sept 07 and took the trip March 0

I do have to agree about the no family wedding, then no honeymoon though. However, I am a different kind of breed, and like I said earlier, if I knew that my sister only had money for one or the other, I would be sure to let her know that is was not necessary to spend her money on attending my "2nd" wedding, in order to go on her own honeymoon.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 1/9/2010 1:47:18 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 1/8/2010 4:27:42 PM
Author: lucyandroger
I have a suggestion. My BF and I have been short on TIME recently so occasionally we do a vacation at home. We clean the apartment (now house) until it's spotless beforehand and then act as if we're on vacation. For us that means we get to eat out at fancy restaurants, go shopping in the fancy boutique stores, enjoy a walk around the monuments (we live right outside DC), go ice skating or bowling or catch a movie. Basically, we vacation in our hometown but really relax and recreate how we would be on vacation. It's great because there's no travel time and you feel like you can splurge on things because it's never anywhere near as expensive as actually travelling and paying for airfare/hotel. Just a thought...

This is an amazing idea. I think DH and I will plan to do just this.

Smurfy--I hope you don't disappear from PS. I know it's hard to realize right now, but you have a large community of intelligent women here who care enough to put themselves out there and give it to you straight, even though we know you don't want to hear it. I know this thread took an ugly turn, and I don't condone that bit of it, but I do believe that everyone here generally offers their advice and opinions in the spirit of community.

As for the financial advice, sometimes being a good friend means saving someone from herself.

Your reasons for wanting to take this vacation are completely valid--you've suffered through many losses of young friends, life has been stressful lately and you'd love to have a break, and you've worked really hard to save this money and you intended to use it for your honeymoon. From an emotional standpoint, I completely understand why you feel that taking the honeymoon is the right choice.

Unfortunately, making decisions based on emotions rarely leads to what is truly best for you. We all have our own ideas about what it means to be financially secure, and you and I were both raised in a country that glorifies owning things and living beyond one's means, so it is only natural that you would feel entitled to take a vacation even though you are facing imminent unemployment and carrying debt.

However, if you were able to look at your situation without the cloud of emotion, I think you would see very clearly why so many people here are advising you against spending *any* money on any luxuries at this time.
- Would a vacation possibly ease your stress right now? Yes. But in the long run, I can tell you from personal experience that the security you feel knowing that you are living debt free makes for a very relaxed life. On the other hand, prolonging your debt in order to enjoy luxuries right now only makes for more stress.
- A vacation is one way to live your life to the fullest, and to not take your time for granted. Especially after losing people so young, I can imagine that this is a huge priority for you. However, if by living each day to the fullest you jeopardize the future you *may* have, then you are only throwing away the security and enjoyment you *could* enjoy in the future for a few pricey experiences right now. You can make each day count without spending a lot of money or leaving your own hometown if you really want to. Forfeiting the good life later on just so you can take a honeymoon you can't afford right now seems like the opposite of honoring the time you have, if you ask me.
- You saved this money for the purpose of taking a honeymoon, so it does feel like you *deserve* to use it for that purpose. However, if you are carrying debt, then as far as I see it, that money isn't even yours. You owe that money to lenders, and as long as you continue to use the money you do have for luxury items or experiences, then these lenders have a stake in your life. It's hard to sacrifice things like nice clothes, meals out, and vacations so you can pay off your debts, but that really is the best course of action for anyone to take so you can become debt free and truly live your life for yourself.

I totally get it that you want to take this vacation, and that you feel you deserve it. I understand wanting something so badly that you feel it's okay to sacrifice other things in order to make it happen. When you realize that the right choice to make is the one that is in your family's best interest for the long run, *that* is when you really grow up, in my opinion.

It's hard, I know, especially when you have friends who are living it up and you want to do the same. I spent many years living in my parent's house, working a full-time job and a bunch of side jobs, declining plans with friends and skipping out on girls' weekends because I got myself into a serious rut of debt. However, that didn't mean that I wasn't enjoying my life. I learned to relish the simple pleasures, and I found a network of friends who knew how to have fun without spending a ton of money. I went to the library instead of Barnes and Noble, the $1 movie theatre instead of the shiny new $10 one.

And guess what? If my current calculations are correct, and if my husband is blessed to continue doing as well in his business as he's been doing, we'll be completely debt free by the time I'm 39. That means in ten years from now, we will own our home outright, and our financial obligations will be limited to the bills we pay monthly for things like heat and cable. We'll be able to live exactly as we want to, to work as much or as little as we'd like, because we will not owe a thing to anyone.

I hope you come back Smurfy, and see the info in this thread for what it really is: friendly, supportive advice. We don't want to see you sacrificing your financial security for a vacation because we care.

Haven, I truly admire you.

To add.. Smurfy, the reality is, you ARE an adult now and this IS your life. Live it anyway you see fit. Make your mistakes, but learn from them.

The ladies on this forum are trying so hard to keep you from making some pretty painful mistakes. It's true that they might not be wrapping their words in cotton candy and jelly beans, but they're saying these things because somewhere, they care enough to respond. They care enough about your situation and they don't want to see you in pain.

I've learned that people usually need to make their own mistakes. They need to feel the pain of those mistakes so that they won't make them again. When someone softens the blow, the person usually turns around and makes the same mistake again.

Smurfy, I hope you're ok through all of this. As I said before, this is your life. You don't need anyone's validation. You are certainly able to make your own decisisons and reap the rewards and consequences of your actions. The sooner you truly realize this, the better.

 

[fieryred33143]

OhEmGee like a big fat whatever totally yo

Seriously smurfy, you are an adult. You are not some high school student hanging out after second period with your boyfriend. Nor are you a starving college student blowing through daddy''s money.

You are a married adult with bills who for some reason has frequent pregnancy scares despite not having medical insurance and who will be out of a job in 3 months.

No one should have to tell you with tact or otherwise that you need to save for what is coming or that you need to be more responsible.

Things happen Smurfy. We were in the middle of planning what I thought would be my dream wedding when we found out we were expecting. We had to make the decision to spend our money at the time on something we both wanted, setting aside the fact that our lives were going to change in 40 weeks, or save for what was to come. We chose the latter because we knew things could happen along the way. I could be put on bed rest and be out of work for months. The baby could be born with health problems. You just never know. We were lucky in that I had a very boring pregnancy and while Sophia needed expensive medical equipment when she was born and went to the doctor every day for 10 days, we had good health insurance. But in those 3 months out of work I had over $12k in bills, medical expenses, and random things that popped up (like FI''s tire that blew in the middle of the highway).

Would I love to have wedding photos to look back on, absolutely. But things happen and you have to adjust your plans accordingly. That''s what you are going to have to learn.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 5:31:44 PM
Author: fiery
OhEmGee like a big fat whatever totally yo


Seriously smurfy, you are an adult. You are not some high school student hanging out after second period with your boyfriend. Nor are you a starving college student blowing through daddy's money.


You are a married adult with bills who for some reason has frequent pregnancy scares despite not having medical insurance and who will be out of a job in 3 months.


No one should have to tell you with tact or otherwise that you need to save for what is coming or that you need to be more responsible.


Things happen Smurfy. We were in the middle of planning what I thought would be my dream wedding when we found out we were expecting. We had to make the decision to spend our money at the time on something we both wanted, setting aside the fact that our lives were going to change in 40 weeks, or save for what was to come. We chose the latter because we knew things could happen along the way. I could be put on bed rest and be out of work for months. The baby could be born with health problems. You just never know. We were lucky in that I had a very boring pregnancy and while Sophia needed expensive medical equipment when she was born and went to the doctor every day for 10 days, we had good health insurance. But in those 3 months out of work I had over $12k in bills, medical expenses, and random things that popped up (like FI's tire that blew in the middle of the highway).


Would I love to have wedding photos to look back on, absolutely. But things happen and you have to adjust your plans accordingly. That's what you are going to have to learn.

Erm, I don't know where you are getting your information but we have full medical insurance(dental, medical, vision) including maternity leave and pregnancy related bill pay as well (including labor and hospital stay, etc) if anything SHOULD happen. This is good at least until 2011. We also DO have life insurance policies on each other, I know someone had mentioned that earlier.

 

[fieryred33143]

Way to miss the point. Good luck with life and have fun at your friend''s engagement party, niece''s graduation, sister''s wedding, and honeymoon.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

First of all, I live in Iowa and I'm totally offended that you don't think you could have a totally kick a** vacation here!

Second, my FI's brother is a financial advisor. I was talking to him about how I don't think saving every red cent is the always best idea. I said "I could die tomorrow and never would have enjoyed my money." He said, "or you could live to be 110 and really wished you'd saved." That really stuck with me. When it comes to money, I've generally had the "live for the moment" mentality. You never know what could happen tomorrow. FI is a "work hard now, have fun later" kind of guy. I'm really glad he's converted me. I've had debt. It sucks. A vacation means nothing if you can't enjoy it without thinking about how much money you don't have when you come back.

You really can't use the excuse of knowing people who died young. What if one of your family members died? Would you be happy knowing you went on a honeymoon instead of your sister's wedding when you could have spent time with the people who should matter the most to you?

Third, I'm sorry this thread took a turn for the worse. But I can't say I blame some of the ladies here. You asked for advice, advice was given and you kind of threw a fit because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Smurfy, please don't even worry about a vacation right now. Worry about your resume, your car and your new marriage. Maybe take that $1000 honeymoon fund and spend it on some continuing education courses so you can give yourself an edge when it comes to finding a new job. I'm not saying anything as a personal attack here. I would tell any one of my friends these same things.

As someone who has been in debt, you can't imagine how good it feels to be out of it. To swipe your debit card and not have to hold your breath until it says "APPROVED" is a really, really great feeling. And even if you can't take a vacation for YEARS and you have to live off Ramen noodles, you do it for not only yourself, but for your husband and future family.

ETA: I got the current job I have by starting as a temp. Temp agencies can usually find you all sorts of short or long term jobs. Even if it's not in graphic design, you can still pick up some hours and earn some extra cash. Go to a Kelly Temp Services or Manpower or Robert Half Agency.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 5:55:52 PM
Author: fiery
Way to miss the point. Good luck with life and have fun at your friend's engagement party, niece's graduation, sister's wedding, and honeymoon.

I got the point, I chose not to comment.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

People seem to think I don''t understand the purpose of getting out of debt. I do. I was worse off years ago before I met DH. I slowly but surely climbed my way out. That is why this is so frustrating to me because for awhile we didn''t have jobs, must have been darn close to 7 months. No money. That''s how the debt collected. I do understand how good it feels to be debt free because I''ve had that before and why we are working to get back to that point.

I''m not going to respond to each and every thing each of you says so don''t take it personally and like I am not getting the point of what you have said. Everyone has said such similar things that I don''t see the point in responding to each and every post of this 6 page long thread.

 

[Lilac]

Wow this thread certainly blew up in the last 24 hours since I first saw it.

Smurfy, I''m sorry you felt attacked by everyone. However, I really do have to agree with the common feeling here that if you have financial troubles and aren''t financially stable, a vacation is just not a good idea. I know what it''s like to be stressed out and feel like you "deserve" a vacation. I really, truly understand. DH and I really *really* wanted to go away on a vacation this winter. Somewhere hot and beautiful to get away from our 20 degree temperatures at home. We were burnt out from school (well, I was anyway) and work (both of us) and just felt totally exhausted. We spent every night looking for places to go on vacation for a few days. But everything would have costed around $1500 and I just couldn''t justify spending that kind of money right now. We ended up going away for the weekend and spent about $300 - we just drove down to Baltimore for 3 days and did little day trips and hung out together in the hotel. We had an amazing time anyway, and I was so happy we didn''t spend all the money to go away to some island for longer because I just feel more comfortable right now saving that money.

We have savings - and luckily, a decent amount of it. Enough that we could go on several nice vacations and financially, it wouldn''t hurt us in the immediate future. But we discussed it and decided that we would like to save the money because next year we want to try to buy our own apartment. And while we do already have enough money saved for a down payment and we have no debt right now, once we spent that money on the apartment, I know I would feel guilty and pressured to already have a lot more saved up. I would rather save the money and know I''m being smart about it, and maybe next year or the following year take a really nice vacation after we save up a little more money.

About a week after we decided not to take the "great" vacation we wanted to go on, our car wouldn''t start. We had to replace the battery for $140. Then I needed a (scheduled) oil change for $40. Then the mechanic told us we needed new brakes and tires. All in all, it cost almost $1000 for the necessary maintenance. And just like that... there went $1000. It bothered me to spend so much - but not nearly as much as it would have if we had just spent $1500 or more on a vacation also.

One of my best friends plans things under the assumption that her fiance will get an amazing job when he graduates law school in 2 years. She wants the best apartment, the nicest clothing, and the most fun vacations to the best places. She assumes she will get a job and her fiance will get a job and "everything will be fine then." They have hardly any savings now, and one unexpected pregnancy and I have NO IDEA what they would do. I keep telling her she needs to plan her life based on her CURRENT financial situation, and not assume that either of them will get an amazing job with a great salary, because in this economy, you never know. She can''t assume that everything will remain status quo and there won''t be unexpected expenses, because in life there usually are. She is one of my best friends and I tell her this all the time because I want to protect her. I want to help her. I would hate to see her in debt, losing her apartment, and starving with nowhere to go because she decided she wanted to take a vacation or have a great pair of shoes 6 months earlier and just couldn''t wait.

I know the thread got a little snarky - and I don''t really agree with some things that were said. But most people here *really* do care and are trying to help you. I hope you can try to see that, and I hope everything works out for you.

 

[charbie]

Date: 1/9/2010 3:20:53 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 1/9/2010 3:05:16 PM

Author: emeraldlover1

Wow, big thread.



Anyway, Smurfy, I''d go to your sister''s wedding. One of my sisters did not come to my wedding for finacial reasons and she knew about our wedding for over a year. Many people offered to help her make it, including us, and she refused. I have two thoughts about that. She did not think that making our wedding was a priority and it really showed us how important family is to her. The other thought is that I would have been out of my mind pissed if I found out she went on vacation instead. If your family isn''t your priority, that is fine but it won''t go unnoticed.



Financial maturity is something you will have to come to grips with over time. I''m not going to lecture you on that.

I would love to be there, it''s just she picked her wedding date after we told her we going on our honeymoon sometime in the beginning of july

She picked her wedding to be the week before that. I would certainly go if we had help to get there. As it looks right now, we will not be taking any vacations so I doubt it will be an issue.

Ok, so can I ask the point of this whole thread? You asked opinions on three options. Even when people choose within those options, you give a reason why you still can''t go to the wedding, since it interferes with the honeymoon plans. Why post a question when you''re just going to critique an answer?

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Date: 1/8/2010 1:31:41 PM
Author:Smurfyimproved
So for some reason, all the trips I can take this year are in May/June/July...not convenient.
Event 1- My oldest niece is graduating from high school. My other sister has mentioned that she will make this her priority.

Event 2- Oldest sister is having her second marriage in Iowa. Plane tickets from here are about 400 dollars and we can''t afford to put more miles on the car right now. Oldest sister is also mother of oldest niece and they both live in the same place. It would cost the same amount of money for either of these. Oh, and no I''m not in the bridal party.

Event 3-DH and I had been planning since about last summer to have our honeymoon this coming summer as his uncle has offered to let us stay with him a couple days in Myrtle Beach, has an extra car we can use and were also going to spend a couple days in Orlando.

We have been saving up and will have about 1000 dollars by this summer. The question is...how do I choose??

DH is pretty set on using the money we''ve been saving for the honeymoon.

I can tell that your number one choice just from reading the way you describe your trips is that you would like to go on a honeymoon.

Personally, I would make it a priority to attend my sister''s wedding. I noticed though that you said you weren''t in the bridal party. Is there a reason that you aren''t? Also, I don''t think that you need to worry about attending your niece''s graduation.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Thanks for my sunday morning cuppa in bed reading material!

Has been highly entertaining.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 9:00:51 PM
Author: JerseyGrl81

Date: 1/8/2010 1:31:41 PM

Author:Smurfyimproved

So for some reason, all the trips I can take this year are in May/June/July...not convenient.

Event 1- My oldest niece is graduating from high school. My other sister has mentioned that she will make this her priority.


Event 2- Oldest sister is having her second marriage in Iowa. Plane tickets from here are about 400 dollars and we can''t afford to put more miles on the car right now. Oldest sister is also mother of oldest niece and they both live in the same place. It would cost the same amount of money for either of these. Oh, and no I''m not in the bridal party.


Event 3-DH and I had been planning since about last summer to have our honeymoon this coming summer as his uncle has offered to let us stay with him a couple days in Myrtle Beach, has an extra car we can use and were also going to spend a couple days in Orlando.


We have been saving up and will have about 1000 dollars by this summer. The question is...how do I choose??

DH is pretty set on using the money we''ve been saving for the honeymoon.

I can tell that your number one choice just from reading the way you describe your trips is that you would like to go on a honeymoon.


Personally, I would make it a priority to attend my sister''s wedding. I noticed though that you said you weren''t in the bridal party. Is there a reason that you aren''t? Also, I don''t think that you need to worry about attending your niece''s graduation.

Only the kids from previous marriages are in the bridal party, one of the groom''s friends, and one of my cousins. The reason I didn''t think it would be such a big deal is because since our wedding, she never talks about it. I haven''t heard anything other than the date. However, before the wedding, everytime I would mention something about ours she would upstage it someway by saying oh we are doing this and this. Ev-er-y-time. So it did make me a little bitter about it I guess. She was in our wedding party but it didn''t seem like she was really too interested in the whole affair. That may not be the nicest thing but it is what I feel.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/9/2010 9:08:41 PM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
Thanks for my sunday morning cuppa in bed reading material!

Has been highly entertaining.

lol glad to help

 

[Smurfysmiles]

The point, was if you had already saved up money for your honeymoon and had talked about when you would be going prior to the wedding date being announced- would you cancel your plans and go to the wedding instead? Also since the graduation of my first niece or nephew was coming up, would that over rule anything? I was just confused about how to pick...