A hard decision

[stephbolt]

Date: 1/9/2010 9:46:41 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
The point, was if you had already saved up money for your honeymoon and had talked about when you would be going prior to the wedding date being announced- would you cancel your plans and go to the wedding instead? Also since the graduation of my first niece or nephew was coming up, would that over rule anything? I was just confused about how to pick...

I think this question is variable from family to family. I don''t have nieces and nephews, but I know my own aunts and uncles did not attend my HS graduation. One of my aunts attended my college graduation. Some families are a lot more tight-knit and would not imagine missing an event like this. For me, personally, if there was a plane trip involved, there''s no way I would be attending a HS graduation. I would send a card and a small gift if finances allowed.

As far as the wedding goes, it''s again a situation that is unique to your own family. I would never miss a sibling''s wedding unless there was a true emergency. But I live a 3 hour drive from my siblings, and we are all within 5 years of one another. I''m very close to my sister and although my brother and I are estranged, I hold out hope that will improve over time and I would make it a priority to attend her wedding. You and your sister may have a relationship where it''s realistic for you to not attend her wedding. But you can''t undo not attending that event, so I would be sure that you know how she and other family members will react if you choose to prioritize your honeymoon over her wedding.

Good luck in the job search and with this difficult situation.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I talked to my parents and they said if they were in my place that they would take the honeymoon *shrugs* They regretted putting theirs off until the point that they never had one until last year....45 years after the wedding. They also thought it unfair for me to miss my honeymoon to go to sister''s wedding who is then going off on her honeymoon. But they also said not to do any of those things if I am still jobless in may which I agree with.

 

[dragonfly411]

Smurfy
First I''m glad you''re back.

Second. I am going to stand by what I said. As someone who is close to where you are financially at the moment, I''d want to know I have that cushion of money.

 

[honey22]

I am going to tell it like I see it, since everyone else is.

Smurfy, while deep down I agree with the financial advice that you have received here, it really p*sses me off that people feel the need to give it to you. Now I don''t know all your history from other threads, I am not as diligent reading everything around here, but I get the gist that you are going to lose your job soon and that you have posted it here?

While I have a huge amount of respect for the members here, many of you sound so freakin condescending when you are dishing out your uncalled for advice. Yes, I don''t doubt for one single second that you have the best intentions, but I really don''t know what you feel the need to give it? It does make you sound snobby and higher than others. I KNOW you don''t mean it, but I can understand why Smurfy starts to feel defensive.

She simply asked which of the options she should take when spending her money, not whether she should spend it at all. I don''t even know why her financial situation was brought up in the first place. Then it started to sound like a petty, childish mud-slinging match. You are all as bad as each other, sarcastic remarks and emoticons don''t help the situation. We are supposed to be adults and every single one of us has feelings and emotions behind our avtars.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I probably shouldn''t even join this thread seeing as it''s a disaster-area; however, I have to agree at least partially with honey. If anyone cares my opinions are: good advice here for Smurfy or anyone reading for that matter on financial stability and security, Smurfy does do some of the things mentioned (but we all have our pressure points, flaws, etc.), and it is important to note as other posters have said EVERYONE has feelings and Smurfy''s reacted in an unnecessary way. I can see why Smurfy got defensive, but I can also see where the frustration came from for other posters. That being said the thread devolving into what at times felt like only personal attacks just seems a bit immature to me. Was Smurfy wrong? In my opinion, yes. Was it necessary to make her the nightly entertainment? No, I really don''t think so. Lastly, I also think the stay-cataion idea is AWESOME! Love it! Was trying to find money for a trip this summer, but DH and I will just do this instead. In short, Smurfy I wish you the best of luck. Everyone else..deep breathing is good.

 

[LilyKat]

I love the idea of a staycation and what Lilac posted about her mini-break. I do understand needing a break/holiday, but it doesn''t have to be all or nothing. Could you set yourself a budget of $300 or so for a local honeymoon? Still lots of fun and a break from it all, with $700 in the bank when you return. I do believe in living life to the full, but also living within your means, whatever they may be at the time.

Personally (and this is just me), I really would not care if people didn''t attend my wedding for any reason, even my siblings (and we''re really close). I guess I feel bad for someone to spend a prohibitive amount of money on a day when I''ll see and speak to them for, what, maybe five minutes? I''d rather they visited another weekend when I could spend a few days giving them my full attention and time. As long as you''re honest and upfront, your family shouldn''t take offence.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/10/2010 12:16:21 AM
Author: honey22
I am going to tell it like I see it, since everyone else is.

Smurfy, while deep down I agree with the financial advice that you have received here, it really p*sses me off that people feel the need to give it to you. Now I don''t know all your history from other threads, I am not as diligent reading everything around here, but I get the gist that you are going to lose your job soon and that you have posted it here?

While I have a huge amount of respect for the members here, many of you sound so freakin condescending when you are dishing out your uncalled for advice. Yes, I don''t doubt for one single second that you have the best intentions, but I really don''t know what you feel the need to give it? It does make you sound snobby and higher than others. I KNOW you don''t mean it, but I can understand why Smurfy starts to feel defensive.

She simply asked which of the options she should take when spending her money, not whether she should spend it at all. I don''t even know why her financial situation was brought up in the first place. Then it started to sound like a petty, childish mud-slinging match. You are all as bad as each other, sarcastic remarks and emoticons don''t help the situation. We are supposed to be adults and every single one of us has feelings and emotions behind our avtars.

On PS, people remember what posters have written, particularly if their multiple threads have the same key words over and over again. Smurfy constantly starts threads about not having enough $ for things-the latest was a $100 car repair. She also posts about losing her job pretty frequently. So reading a thread about which vacation she should take when she doesn''t even have $1000 in savings was bound to get her plenty of financial advice. I don''t think financial advice from the intelligent women on PS is condescending-I think it''s helpful. Something tells me that the advice only seems condescending when you disagree with it or don''t want to hear it.

Honestly, smurfy, I''m not sure why you started this thread in the first place. Are strangers on the internet really going to dictate which trip you take? I doubt it since you shot down what everyone said about the actual trips.

I always find it funny when posters who start threads asking for advice get upset when they get it. Smurfy, if you don''t want unsolicited financial advice, it''s pretty easy to avoid: just don''t ask for advice constantly and don''t post about every single thing in your personal/financial life. See? Easy!

 

[princessplease]

Again, I''m just reiterating what everyone else said, but you came here and asked for opinions, and got your opinions. Granted, they were not the opinions you were looking for, but the gals on here are not going to enable you to take your trip given your current life situation. People were offering you advice (which you asked for), and while remembering your previous situations, they offered the advice they thought was the most sound and rational.

As I read the whole post, I became frustrated that you didn''t see the obvious and glaring decision that has to be made. Of course you''d rather take a vacation than save up money, but what happens if it takes you 6 months to find a job, and you blow through your savings in 2 months? Is that vacation going to seem as great to you and DH when the bank is calling everyday hounding you for the past due mortgage payments? Or the electric company shuts of your electricity because your bill is past due? In what could be a dire financial situation, you need to look at the big picture and plan for catastrophes. These things happen EVERYDAY to well off people because of the current economic situation in the country who NEVER thought they''d be one paycheck away from homelessness, or have blown through their entire savings because they lost their job. Although I was not unemployed, it took me 11 MONTHS of diligent searching, interviews, headhunting, etc to find a new, better paying job which offered benefits. 11 MONTHS! Imagine if I was unemployed and it took that long to find a job? I would''ve lost everything. Everything. And the reality of your situation is it could happen to you, too. It sucks to live life as a ''what if'' thinker, but honestly, in your current situation, you really have no other choice. I hope you don''t take this as an attack; and, of course, you''re going to do what you and DH want to do. No rational and sage advice will change your mind if it''s already made up (as it seems to be). However, it must be known that myself, along with everyone else, are merely trying to open your eyes to what could be a disastrous and life changing financial situation if not appropriately planned for.

Best of luck in your job search.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 1/9/2010 3:26:20 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/9/2010 3:05:16 PM
Author: emeraldlover1
Wow, big thread.

Anyway, Smurfy, I''d go to your sister''s wedding. One of my sisters did not come to my wedding for finacial reasons and she knew about our wedding for over a year. Many people offered to help her make it, including us, and she refused. I have two thoughts about that. She did not think that making our wedding was a priority and it really showed us how important family is to her. The other thought is that I would have been out of my mind pissed if I found out she went on vacation instead. If your family isn''t your priority, that is fine but it won''t go unnoticed.

Financial maturity is something you will have to come to grips with over time. I''m not going to lecture you on that.

I would venture to say that this wouldn''t be an issue if Smurfy''s parents or sister offered to pay for her to travel there. I''m sorry to read about your sister though. That is such a slap in the face, especially when you give a close family member such advance notice and offer to pay.

My sister had her 2nd wedding in Hawaii, and afterwards ''wished'' that people had been able to travel there. Not a chance, and I am a HUGE family person. We save for one major trip a year, and we had already paid for our upcoming trip when they decided to have it there, not to mention niether of us had the vacation to go, without giving up time at Christmas. (She got engaged Nov 07 and married June 08... and we paid for our trip in Sept 07 and took the trip March 0

I do have to agree about the no family wedding, then no honeymoon though. However, I am a different kind of breed, and like I said earlier, if I knew that my sister only had money for one or the other, I would be sure to let her know that is was not necessary to spend her money on attending my ''2nd'' wedding, in order to go on her own honeymoon.

Hi, Mere! I''m not sure I follow you. There are too many variables here to draw a direct correlation to our own personal situations. I''ll also add that we don''t know what smurfys family has offered or not offered to do. That being said, I''m a planner and when someone gives me notice for something I do a little saving every month to have enough money to be there. That is within reason of course. Traveling to hawaii is far different than traveling a few states, imho. Again, we aren''t comparing apples to apples here. We all know what the right financial decision is but I don''t believe that Smurfy was asking for financial advice. My opinion is still if it were one or the other, I would be there for my sister.

Family advice is so difficult to give here because there is so much emotion and history behind each decision. I''m quite dissapointed at how many times second marriges are being referred to as inferior in this thread. Have I read that incorrectly?

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/9/2010 6:31:38 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
People seem to think I don''t understand the purpose of getting out of debt. I do. I was worse off years ago before I met DH. I slowly but surely climbed my way out. That is why this is so frustrating to me because for awhile we didn''t have jobs, must have been darn close to 7 months. No money. That''s how the debt collected. I do understand how good it feels to be debt free because I''ve had that before and why we are working to get back to that point.


I''m not going to respond to each and every thing each of you says so don''t take it personally and like I am not getting the point of what you have said. Everyone has said such similar things that I don''t see the point in responding to each and every post of this 6 page long thread.

I wanted to highlight your sentence about how you''re working hard to get back to the point of becoming debt free. Firefox won''t let me highlight though. Smurfy, if you''re working to get back to that, I''d skip going anywhere and focus on saving. I''m going to ditto everyone else''s advice because I can''t really add much more than what''s already been said. I GET that you want a break from your situation (that''s how it comes across to me, anyway). I GET that you want to attend your sister''s wedding, attend your niece''s graduation, or go on your honeymoon -- these are all important events in your life. I just don''t see that now is the time to be doing any of those things.

Things can happen at any time, expected or unexpected. You KNOW what is going to happen with your job. Not many people know that ahead of time. I''d feel lucky in some way to know this now, when you can plan for it (by saving!), rather than have the rug pulled out from under you (losing your job with no warning). I hope that makes sense.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/9/2010 10:50:11 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
I talked to my parents and they said if they were in my place that they would take the honeymoon *shrugs* They regretted putting theirs off until the point that they never had one until last year....45 years after the wedding. They also thought it unfair for me to miss my honeymoon to go to sister''s wedding who is then going off on her honeymoon. But they also said not to do any of those things if I am still jobless in may which I agree with.

I''m confused -- isn''t this what everyone has been telling you? Not to do any of these things, given your financial situation?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/10/2010 11:25:10 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 1/9/2010 10:50:11 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

I talked to my parents and they said if they were in my place that they would take the honeymoon *shrugs* They regretted putting theirs off until the point that they never had one until last year....45 years after the wedding. They also thought it unfair for me to miss my honeymoon to go to sister''s wedding who is then going off on her honeymoon. But they also said not to do any of those things if I am still jobless in may which I agree with.

I''m confused -- isn''t this what everyone has been telling you? Not to do any of these things, given your financial situation?

Yes it is but I talked more in depth with them about it just last night.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/10/2010 11:06:00 AM
Author: emeraldlover1

Date: 1/9/2010 3:26:20 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/9/2010 3:05:16 PM
Author: emeraldlover1
Wow, big thread.

Anyway, Smurfy, I'd go to your sister's wedding. One of my sisters did not come to my wedding for finacial reasons and she knew about our wedding for over a year. Many people offered to help her make it, including us, and she refused. I have two thoughts about that. She did not think that making our wedding was a priority and it really showed us how important family is to her. The other thought is that I would have been out of my mind pissed if I found out she went on vacation instead. If your family isn't your priority, that is fine but it won't go unnoticed.

Financial maturity is something you will have to come to grips with over time. I'm not going to lecture you on that.

I would venture to say that this wouldn't be an issue if Smurfy's parents or sister offered to pay for her to travel there. I'm sorry to read about your sister though. That is such a slap in the face, especially when you give a close family member such advance notice and offer to pay.

My sister had her 2nd wedding in Hawaii, and afterwards 'wished' that people had been able to travel there. Not a chance, and I am a HUGE family person. We save for one major trip a year, and we had already paid for our upcoming trip when they decided to have it there, not to mention niether of us had the vacation to go, without giving up time at Christmas. (She got engaged Nov 07 and married June 08... and we paid for our trip in Sept 07 and took the trip March 0

I do have to agree about the no family wedding, then no honeymoon though. However, I am a different kind of breed, and like I said earlier, if I knew that my sister only had money for one or the other, I would be sure to let her know that is was not necessary to spend her money on attending my '2nd' wedding, in order to go on her own honeymoon.

Hi, Mere! I'm not sure I follow you. There are too many variables here to draw a direct correlation to our own personal situations. I'll also add that we don't know what smurfys family has offered or not offered to do. That being said, I'm a planner and when someone gives me notice for something I do a little saving every month to have enough money to be there. That is within reason of course. Traveling to hawaii is far different than traveling a few states, imho. Again, we aren't comparing apples to apples here. We all know what the right financial decision is but I don't believe that Smurfy was asking for financial advice. My opinion is still if it were one or the other, I would be there for my sister.

Family advice is so difficult to give here because there is so much emotion and history behind each decision. I'm quite dissapointed at how many times second marriges are being referred to as inferior in this thread. Have I read that incorrectly?

Hey there! I'll try to explain a little bit better.

1. If her parents had offered to pay, I don't see why Smurfy would need to start this thread in the first place. The decision would have been obvious, because there wouldn't be a problem. Maybe I drew the wrong assumption, but it just seems obvious to me, that this wasn't the case.

2. Second marriages are nothing less than a first marriage, and I didn't mean to make it sound like that if I did. My apologies. However, I do think that you can't expect everyone to travel to your wedding, twice. Smurfy even said her sister isn't having her in the wedding, which leads me to believe it is probably going to be a small ceremony with a dinner. Yes, I understand that Hawaii is different than Iowa, BUT Smurfy said the flights were going to be $400 which is still nothing to laugh at, especially for a one weekend trip. (If I was assuming correctly)

3. When I was referring to what I would do, I was more or less trying to encourage Smurfy to talk with her family, and see what their advice is. Personally, if I knew that my sister only had money to either come to my wedding or go on HER own honeymoon, I would feel horrible asking her to give that up for me, especially if it was my second wedding, and I was going on my second honeymoon right afterwards. Just my opinion though, and like you said, all family dynamics are different.

4. As far as saving up for things, I am the same way you are, however, we make enough money that DH and I, as you and you hubby are as well, can save for more than one thing at once. (ie, an "Us" vacation and say, a wedding or a family reunion) However, there are lots of people that only have enough disposable income to save for one thing at a time, and I still think that you should never expect people to save for "your" event, just because you gave them enough notice. I hope I made sense?

 

[CellarDoor]

This is how I see the situation. Smurfy doesn''t really want to go to her sister''s wedding, she''s not in the bridal party, she has issues because the sister got divorced and quickly engaged and stole some of Smurfy''s own wedding spotlight. Smurfy is looking for validation from internet strangers that her reasons for blowing off her sister''s wedding and going on a honeymoon instead are just fine. But, we remember two weeks ago when Smurfy prayed for "dust" because an unexpected car repair bill of one hundred US dollars meant that she and her husband would be unable to eat for two weeks. So, it just seems so ridiculous for her to be planning a vacation anyway just from a financial viewpoint, not taking her family issues into account at all.

Oh well, given Smurfy''s history, I''d be willing to bet that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash for her to go to her sister''s wedding.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/10/2010 12:49:56 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 1/10/2010 11:25:10 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 1/9/2010 10:50:11 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

I talked to my parents and they said if they were in my place that they would take the honeymoon *shrugs* They regretted putting theirs off until the point that they never had one until last year....45 years after the wedding. They also thought it unfair for me to miss my honeymoon to go to sister''s wedding who is then going off on her honeymoon. But they also said not to do any of those things if I am still jobless in may which I agree with.

I''m confused -- isn''t this what everyone has been telling you? Not to do any of these things, given your financial situation?

Yes it is but I talked more in depth with them about it just last night.

I''m glad you talked with your family about your situation. I would agree with your parents.

I think with something as important as a hs graduation, marriage, and honeymoon, it is good to hear the viewpoint from those that you may either depend upon, or possibly disappoint. I think that it isn''t their business about your financial struggles, but once your decision is made, since it is your sister, and her child, it is good to give them a phone call and advise why you cannot attend (if you cannot) other than just sending an RSVP card. Normally I would say not to trouble the bride w/ your excuse "decline RSVP" but since it is your sister, I do feel that is sort of a different variable of the equation.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 1/10/2010 2:48:36 PM
Author: CellarDoor
This is how I see the situation. Smurfy doesn''t really want to go to her sister''s wedding, she''s not in the bridal party, she has issues because the sister got divorced and quickly engaged and stole some of Smurfy''s own wedding spotlight. Smurfy is looking for validation from internet strangers that her reasons for blowing off her sister''s wedding and going on a honeymoon instead are just fine. But, we remember two weeks ago when Smurfy prayed for ''dust'' because an unexpected car repair bill of one hundred US dollars meant that she and her husband would be unable to eat for two weeks. So, it just seems so ridiculous for her to be planning a vacation anyway just from a financial viewpoint, not taking her family issues into account at all.

Oh well, given Smurfy''s history, I''d be willing to bet that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash for her to go to her sister''s wedding.

You know, I was considering doing a "PS posted thread history" (as I have been known to do) but I think the above post just about sums it up.

I have to tell you Smurf, that I have not held a job for three years and I (personally) have more than $1000 in savings as well as a substantial retirement fund. My husband and I are considering moving in with my dad so we can rent out our place and rake in some extra $$$. What do I want to do more than anything else right now? Take my dream honeymoon. Or really, take ANY honeymoon. But you know what we''d use that hypothetical extra money for? Debt.

Speaking as the partner of someone who has faced MAJOR (although not as major as it could have been) medical debt (to the tune of $100k) on a paltry, less than $20k graduate student salary, and even with six months advance notice, felt positively helpless. Now, 3 years later, he is still paying off the credit card debt accrued during that point in time. It''s my job now to start bringing in some kind of salary so I can help take over some of the financial burden so he can pay down his debt.

Here is my advice: Take your parent''s advice. Not because it''s because they are your parents, but because it is rational, logical and sound. However, I agree with those who have said that you have to learn from your own mistakes...

Obviously, I''d go for the honeymoon. Because, and maybe it''s just me being a super newlywed, but I mentioned as little as possible about the wedding to people who weren''t invited. Perhaps your sister is planning on it being very small with local people only, as I did.

Our current plan? Take a honeymoon in a year for our first anniversary--IF (BIG IF) we can afford it. That means most, if not all, credit card debt is paid off.

 

[Bia]

Date: 1/9/2010 9:46:41 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
The point, was if you had already saved up money for your honeymoon and had talked about when you would be going prior to the wedding date being announced- would you cancel your plans and go to the wedding instead? Also since the graduation of my first niece or nephew was coming up, would that over rule anything? I was just confused about how to pick...

I would go to my sister''s wedding, yes.

Consider all vacations with your husband ''honeymoons''...you''re newlyweds!

 

[katamari]

Um, wow. I was not expecting any of what happened when I opened this thread. Nonetheless, because I did have such an emotional reaction while reading it, I want to reply, so sorry for being late and also for keeping it going.

---

To answer your question, we may very well have different opinions on this, but for me, a vacation where I must stay with family members is so distant from what I would want out of a honeymoon that I cannot recommend spending any money whatsoever towards it. If you and your DH want a honeymoon, why not wait until you save up more so that you can have something closer to your dream vacation. There is no reason in the world it would be 30 years from now and it is misguided to think those are the only options. If you and DH should ever take a private trip with alone time, your honeymoon should be it. I know you mention the possibility of a side trip, but even if there were several side trips or even if the relatives in question wouldn''t be home during the time, this just isn''t honeymoon worthy--especially if it is going to cost $1000! If you don''t want to actually vacation at home, why not closer to home?

I am an only child, but if I had a sister, I would never miss her wedding. Who cares if it is her second wedding? Far nearly everyone finds a person they can spend the rest of their lives with on the first try. For this and the above reasons, I vote for you to attend your sister''s wedding.


---

Regarding what unfolded in the thread, I understand both why you felt attacked and why other posters reacted the way they did. Hostile and immature comments were made by and to you. It was tense and uncomfortable to read. But, the reason I can understand why others reacted as they did was because we are a close-knit community. I sincerely feel anxiety for you when you post about the serious issues you face. Losing--or having to constantly worry about losing--your job, not having transportation for both members of your family to get to work, worrying about affording inlaws to visit, etc, are all serious problems. These are all very big deals that I do not want any PSer to have to face. When you give flippant responses regarding these issues, I very much hope you are just trying to be lighthearted about it, but I, like others, worry that you might not understand the gravity of the situation. I don''t fault other posters for being upset when you make several posts about financial struggles, yet when they give you suggestions to that end that would really help only to, they are dismissed (or, worse, have to read about further spending). All we can do with PS "friends" is talk to them. We can''t go out together, or even talk privately, so there is no other way to show respect or regard for others beyond considering what they have to say.

As I have said before, I am really rooting for you and DH. I hope you find both find permanent and sustainable work, build a comfortable savings, and leave all these worries behind.

 

[honey22]

Date: 1/10/2010 2:48:36 PM
Author: CellarDoor
This is how I see the situation. Smurfy doesn''t really want to go to her sister''s wedding, she''s not in the bridal party, she has issues because the sister got divorced and quickly engaged and stole some of Smurfy''s own wedding spotlight. Smurfy is looking for validation from internet strangers that her reasons for blowing off her sister''s wedding and going on a honeymoon instead are just fine. But, we remember two weeks ago when Smurfy prayed for ''dust'' because an unexpected car repair bill of one hundred US dollars meant that she and her husband would be unable to eat for two weeks. So, it just seems so ridiculous for her to be planning a vacation anyway just from a financial viewpoint, not taking her family issues into account at all.


well, given Smurfy''s history, I''d be willing to bet that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash for her to go to her sister''s wedding.

This is exactly the kind of sarcastic, smart a** remarks that are totally out of line. Where do you get off saying things like that about another PSer?

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/13/2010 5:59:57 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 1/10/2010 2:48:36 PM
Author: CellarDoor
This is how I see the situation. Smurfy doesn''t really want to go to her sister''s wedding, she''s not in the bridal party, she has issues because the sister got divorced and quickly engaged and stole some of Smurfy''s own wedding spotlight. Smurfy is looking for validation from internet strangers that her reasons for blowing off her sister''s wedding and going on a honeymoon instead are just fine. But, we remember two weeks ago when Smurfy prayed for ''dust'' because an unexpected car repair bill of one hundred US dollars meant that she and her husband would be unable to eat for two weeks. So, it just seems so ridiculous for her to be planning a vacation anyway just from a financial viewpoint, not taking her family issues into account at all.


well, given Smurfy''s history, I''d be willing to bet that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash for her to go to her sister''s wedding.

This is exactly the kind of sarcastic, smart a** remarks that are totally out of line. Where do you get off saying things like that about another PSer?

Ditto honey. I was planning on avoiding this thread altogether, but this is really getting ridiculous. Advice/concern/constructive criticism I understand. Making fun of someone in such a malicious manner - I don''t.

For the record, I''d have given Smurfy the same advice-save. And then I''d just shut it.

And speaking of PS history, CellarDoor, yours is not that stellar either. I seem to recall you saying women who change their last name after the wedding, as well as SAHM don''t deserve respect at all and they should be aware they''re going to be judged. I''m not surprised by your latest post, I suppose.

 

[taovandel]

Wow I leave the newlywed board for like a week and this happens!

I agree with most posts---I would do none of the above and save the money for an emergency or to help pay down my debt. But I''m just rational like that.

 

[fieryred33143]

I know people don’t like to take online forums too seriously but the fact of the matter is that this is an online community of friends. Smurfy has been a member for at least two years, if not going on three. Everyone here has taken Smurfy’s history into account just like you would take the history of your IRL friend into consideration before giving advice.

As already mentioned, she posted prior to this thread asking for prayers/dust for her car repair that would be $100 which would cause them not to be able to eat for 2 weeks. One week later she requests ideas on how to make extra money to go to a friend’s engagement party and that she could have really used a raise that was giving to another person.

People are going to remember these things and that’s where the advice is coming from. And for the record, this thread went “sour” when Smurfy responded with a bit of an attitude to an honest opinion given by HH to consider her current financial situation. Smurfy said that she thinks we should all “reciprocate” the kind of attitude that she likes to have with others when she is posting and that is exactly what was done.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 1/13/2010 6:54:46 AM
Author: AdiS

Date: 1/13/2010 5:59:57 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 1/10/2010 2:48:36 PM
Author: CellarDoor
This is how I see the situation. Smurfy doesn''t really want to go to her sister''s wedding, she''s not in the bridal party, she has issues because the sister got divorced and quickly engaged and stole some of Smurfy''s own wedding spotlight. Smurfy is looking for validation from internet strangers that her reasons for blowing off her sister''s wedding and going on a honeymoon instead are just fine. But, we remember two weeks ago when Smurfy prayed for ''dust'' because an unexpected car repair bill of one hundred US dollars meant that she and her husband would be unable to eat for two weeks. So, it just seems so ridiculous for her to be planning a vacation anyway just from a financial viewpoint, not taking her family issues into account at all.


well, given Smurfy''s history, I''d be willing to bet that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash for her to go to her sister''s wedding.

This is exactly the kind of sarcastic, smart a** remarks that are totally out of line. Where do you get off saying things like that about another PSer?

Ditto honey. I was planning on avoiding this thread altogether, but this is really getting ridiculous. Advice/concern/constructive criticism I understand. Making fun of someone in such a malicious manner - I don''t.

For the record, I''d have given Smurfy the same advice-save. And then I''d just shut it.

And speaking of PS history, CellarDoor, yours is not that stellar either. I seem to recall you saying women who change their last name after the wedding, as well as SAHM don''t deserve respect at all and they should be aware they''re going to be judged. I''m not surprised by your latest post, I suppose.

Do any of you have that friend IRL that is constantly worried about everything? It seems that their life is a rollercoaster (they found a job! they hate their boss, they found a new house! they can''t make the mortgage payments, They bought a new car! The engine died, They are in love! They are brokenhearted, etc.) and through all of their complaints, they "manage" to make it with Daddy''s help.

I don''t think CellarDoor was out of line. She stated the situation very concisely and even saw into the future. Papa Smurf paid for her wedding, even when everyone was saying to tone it down. Papa Smurf paid for the $30 shoes that were discontinued and Smurfy couldn''t afford and which she later decided not to wear. Papa Smurf paid for food and I believe other bills when both Smurfy and Mr. Smurfy were both out of work for months.

How is it a stretch to venture that Papa Smurf will pull through and pay for the trip to the wedding? If Papa WannaB had ANY money, that''s what he would do and I would venture to guess most of our papas would as well. How is that malicious? It was encouraging Smurfy to do what she had already decided to do, because the rest would take care of itself.

We are ALL judgemental simply because of our human condition. I didn''t participate in the over/under betting, but I can see how it got started. I wasn''t going to comment on the Papa Smurf comment, but I see where it came from. So what if CellarDoor judges me for taking my husband''s name? She''s just someone on the internet. I don''t even know her! I am at peace with my choice to be MrsH, and I am totally OK with being judged on it. My best friend, who is a SAHM, doesn''t care if I or CellarDoor judge her either. She knows how hard she works to maintain her family and home and the rest of us can shove it. Why would CellarDoors opinions of names and careers or lack thereof, make her opinions or views any less or more valid than anyone else on this board?

 

[taovandel]

I think he also helped pay for car repairs....

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/13/2010 6:54:46 AM
Author: AdiS

Date: 1/13/2010 5:59:57 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 1/10/2010 2:48:36 PM
Author: CellarDoor
This is how I see the situation. Smurfy doesn''t really want to go to her sister''s wedding, she''s not in the bridal party, she has issues because the sister got divorced and quickly engaged and stole some of Smurfy''s own wedding spotlight. Smurfy is looking for validation from internet strangers that her reasons for blowing off her sister''s wedding and going on a honeymoon instead are just fine. But, we remember two weeks ago when Smurfy prayed for ''dust'' because an unexpected car repair bill of one hundred US dollars meant that she and her husband would be unable to eat for two weeks. So, it just seems so ridiculous for her to be planning a vacation anyway just from a financial viewpoint, not taking her family issues into account at all.


well, given Smurfy''s history, I''d be willing to bet that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash for her to go to her sister''s wedding.

This is exactly the kind of sarcastic, smart a** remarks that are totally out of line. Where do you get off saying things like that about another PSer?

Ditto honey. I was planning on avoiding this thread altogether, but this is really getting ridiculous. Advice/concern/constructive criticism I understand. Making fun of someone in such a malicious manner - I don''t.

For the record, I''d have given Smurfy the same advice-save. And then I''d just shut it.

And speaking of PS history, CellarDoor, yours is not that stellar either. I seem to recall you saying women who change their last name after the wedding, as well as SAHM don''t deserve respect at all and they should be aware they''re going to be judged. I''m not surprised by your latest post, I suppose.

Cellar''s reply was in direct relation to a thread that Smurfy started about wanting to travel home to attend a friend''s engagement party, but didn''t have the funds. After a few days, her dad called to tell her that he would cover the cost. Her dad has helped her before, and it is not abnormal for parents to cover the cost to travel to family gatherings... especially if they have shown a pattern of doing so prior to this instance, like her dad has.

This thread has been almost dead for 3 days. Nothing is "getting ridiculous"...

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/13/2010 10:20:47 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/13/2010 6:54:46 AM
Author: AdiS

Date: 1/13/2010 5:59:57 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 1/10/2010 2:48:36 PM
Author: CellarDoor
This is how I see the situation. Smurfy doesn''t really want to go to her sister''s wedding, she''s not in the bridal party, she has issues because the sister got divorced and quickly engaged and stole some of Smurfy''s own wedding spotlight. Smurfy is looking for validation from internet strangers that her reasons for blowing off her sister''s wedding and going on a honeymoon instead are just fine. But, we remember two weeks ago when Smurfy prayed for ''dust'' because an unexpected car repair bill of one hundred US dollars meant that she and her husband would be unable to eat for two weeks. So, it just seems so ridiculous for her to be planning a vacation anyway just from a financial viewpoint, not taking her family issues into account at all.


well, given Smurfy''s history, I''d be willing to bet that Papa Smurf will cough up the cash for her to go to her sister''s wedding.

This is exactly the kind of sarcastic, smart a** remarks that are totally out of line. Where do you get off saying things like that about another PSer?

Ditto honey. I was planning on avoiding this thread altogether, but this is really getting ridiculous. Advice/concern/constructive criticism I understand. Making fun of someone in such a malicious manner - I don''t.

For the record, I''d have given Smurfy the same advice-save. And then I''d just shut it.

And speaking of PS history, CellarDoor, yours is not that stellar either. I seem to recall you saying women who change their last name after the wedding, as well as SAHM don''t deserve respect at all and they should be aware they''re going to be judged. I''m not surprised by your latest post, I suppose.

Cellar''s reply was in direct relation to a thread that Smurfy started about wanting to travel home to attend a friend''s engagement party, but didn''t have the funds. After a few days, her dad called to tell her that he would cover the cost. Her dad has helped her before, and it is not abnormal for parents to cover the cost to travel to family gatherings... especially if they have shown a pattern of doing so prior to this instance, like her dad has.

This thread has been almost dead for 3 days. Nothing is ''getting ridiculous''...

The last post before honey''s was from yesterday, mere, not from 3 days ago. In fact, this thread has been on top of the page for days. It seems everyone had something to say, some of them not in the best way possible. Smurfy''s reaction wasn''t the most mature one either. As I said, I agree with the advice you all have given her. And she failed to respond the way she probably should have-with a "thanks for your opinion" and a graceful exit. Point is, most of the posters on this thread failed to do that as well. After that the advice became mockery, sarcasm and condescending remarks.

wannaBMrsH, I do have friends like that. That''s why I am aware that when they don''t take my advice well, they most often don''t take taunts and reproach that well either.

Anyway, I just hate seeing posters I really like and whose posts I usually enjoy, acting this way toward another poster. The fact that you were all right and she wasn''t is irrelevant. She didn''t handle the situation as she should have and that''d have been my que to leave the thread, not stay and have fun at her expense. JMHO, of course.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Oi since you guys are bringing my dad into this....
He has always been very well off and very gracious about it with his family. He worked VERY hard to get to that point and helps all of us when we need it. He didn't have that kind of help growing up and I can see why he wants to help. I hope one day I am able to give my kids that kind of help they need when they need it as well. When we didn't have jobs, yes, he helped pay for rent and food. We slowly lower the amount we ask for each month, all he helps with right now is our car. He just automatically puts it in the bank for us to use. And I don't blame him. That money is for the car payment which he co signed on. His credit is at stake and that is the first bill we pay every month because we don't want him to feel like he made a mistake in helping us. Other than that, if we are running short on gas, my parents will help us with 50 dollars to help us through the week once in a blue moon. In college my parents paid for EVERYTHING. Personally, I think I am doing great trying to create more and more financial distance between us. I guess that doesn't make me an adult by some of your definitions, and you know...that's fine. I don't care. As for the wedding, he paid for all of mine and my sister's weddings. My parents specifically put money aside for each of us to use on our weddings and you know what? We ended up using less than they had saved. I know I am not the only PS-er who has had a wedding paid for them by their parents. As for the shoe issue, I've said it once, I'll say it again. It was not in our budget and they were going out of stock. I think at this point you all can understand why we have to budget for something extra like nice shoes. Especially back then when dh and I were earning half as much as we make now. I didn't end up wearing the shoes because it turned out I couldn't walk in them. I tried and I tried hard to make it work and it just wouldn't happen. I resigned to this sadly because I really loved them, I really did. With all that said, I don't have anymore to post on this thread. If the rest of you want to use it to talk, fine. But I'm pretty done with it.

 

[NYCsparkle]

i skimmed the post, but smurfy i think you should go on your honeymoon...if you get a job

i agree with many of the posters here and they are just trying to steer you in the right financial direction. many have years of experience with debt and being jobless and can and have given you sound advice. you seem young, naive, and living in the moment rather than for tomorrow. as an adult you should think more about tomorrow instead of today. what if you can''t find a job for a long time, get pregnant, sick, or whatever else life seems to throw at you....will you be prepared financially or will you have blown it on a "deserved" vacation?
what would your financial advisor advise you do in this situation?

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 1/13/2010 12:58:09 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
Oi since you guys are bringing my dad into this....

He has always been very well off and very gracious about it with his family. He worked VERY hard to get to that point and helps all of us when we need it. He didn''t have that kind of help growing up and I can see why he wants to help. I hope one day I am able to give my kids that kind of help they need when they need it as well. When we didn''t have jobs, yes, he helped pay for rent and food. We slowly lower the amount we ask for each month, all he helps with right now is our car. He just automatically puts it in the bank for us to use. And I don''t blame him. That money is for the car payment which he co signed on. His credit is at stake and that is the first bill we pay every month because we don''t want him to feel like he made a mistake in helping us. Other than that, if we are running short on gas, my parents will help us with 50 dollars to help us through the week once in a blue moon. In college my parents paid for EVERYTHING. Personally, I think I am doing great trying to create more and more financial distance between us. I guess that doesn''t make me an adult by some of your definitions, and you know...that''s fine. I don''t care. As for the wedding, he paid for all of mine and my sister''s weddings. My parents specifically put money aside for each of us to use on our weddings and you know what? We ended up using less than they had saved. I know I am not the only PS-er who has had a wedding paid for them by their parents. As for the shoe issue, I''ve said it once, I''ll say it again. It was not in our budget and they were going out of stock. I think at this point you all can understand why we have to budget for something extra like nice shoes. Especially back then when dh and I were earning half as much as we make now. I didn''t end up wearing the shoes because it turned out I couldn''t walk in them. I tried and I tried hard to make it work and it just wouldn''t happen. I resigned to this sadly because I really loved them, I really did. With all that said, I don''t have anymore to post on this thread. If the rest of you want to use it to talk, fine. But I''m pretty done with it.

Smurf I like you a lot, I enjoy your posts, and I think you are a funny person on here. You remind me a lot of a friend of mine which I think helps. I feel like I can relate to you as well. The post above is why I really believe you should save the money, and take a more local vaca this year if you take one. Right now I am not planning ANY vacations that I pay for.... why? b/c I owe my family for tire replacement on my car, and an insurance bill. I am at my lowest in YEARS when it comes to savings/money, and I have to be able to pay them back and build my savings back up. Our savings were depleted in the past year thanks to moving (having to buy things in relation to moving), SO''s father dying (we have made I can''t COUNT how many 6 hour drives back and forth, which is a lot of gas right now... a lot), and Christmas all on top of each other. I say this mostly to try so hard to help you. I hope you know that''s what most of us want. I hope you do work things out and find a new job, and I hope it''s a really good one!

In the meantime, save every little penny.

BTW I have a very helpful family like you, I definitely know where you are coming from. I actually have to tell my family NO at times, b/c they''re always trying to dive in and help out. I want to know that I can do things myself, even if I have to scrimp by on rice and beans for a week or two to get things done. I also want to know that SO and I are responsible enough to save, and do a good job at it, before I''ll allow us to look at buying a home or going on vacations ourselves or anything else. Yes we do have three things coming up, but each are treats from our families (my aunt got us tickets to Cirque du Soleil.... his uncle takes the entire family to Disney every two or three years.... and my family plans the beach vaca which my grandparents pay for everyone.... and we virtually don''t get a choice in any of those lol).

Anyways, I just want you to know that you aren''t alone in the financial world you are in, that others really do want to help.

 

[purrfectpear]

One of the nicest vacations I took with my son when he was 9 was when we went camping in Colorado for a week. Save the money, don''t put off the honeymoon. Just borrow a tent from a friend and go camping. Colorado has some fab campgrounds. It''s romantic, it''s cheap, and a bottle of wine and a campfire can make a pretty terrific honeymoon

This is January and you "think" you''ll have $1000 saved by this summer. I know you''re newlyweds and all, but I''d be thinking of a second night/weekend job so I could put more in savings. Post some ads on grocery store bulletin boards offering babysitting?