A date conflict....

[Mara]

omg ally that is the BEST STORY EVER!!!!!!!! i love it.

radio silence. you go girl. seriously...quite frankly who cares if you just ended their wedding plans. if so that was a marriage that was doomed anyway with all those secrets and lies and flat out bad attitudes. plus then you can have 2008 back.

 

[galeteia]

Way to go Ally! Woo woo!

Congratulations on your tact and restraint. I mean that sincerely; you had ample ammo to say FAR more and were totally in your rights to give back exactly what they have been giving you.

I suppose it''s too much to hope this is a wake-up call to your sister, but at least you''ve put FBIL in his place and exonerated your Fiance.

Good for you!!

 

[NYCsparkle]

AWESOME ending to an upsetting situation. I''m glad you stood up for yourself, your fiancee, and your sister in a way---letting him know that he can''t always lie to her and get away with it. Has your sister called you? You 2 probably need to talk alone...calmly without the jerky there.

 

[firebirdgold]

YAY FOR ALLY!! I'm so PROUD of you!!!

Congratulations!

**HUGS**


I say keep your date and let your Aunt know that you booked well before your sister and will be keeping that date. They only picked that date to spite you and to try to force you to get married after them. It's your date, you got there first!

Hmmm I wonder how fancy her save the date's are? Would an email save the date work for you?

*evil chuckle* well maybe your sister's wedding is a little less likely to actually happen now that you blew his cover.

ETA: You know, you really could get married in July 2007. ... oh, right the internship.

 

[lili]

Yayyy for you Allycat!!!

I''ve been following your story and it shocked me how little sisterly love your sis has for you.

Anyway, I just want to say I love how calm and collected you are with your confrontation your sis and FBIL.
And you''ve really got some ammunitions too!
It''s about time that they knows that they can''t just walk all over you just because you are nice.

So do you mind me asking when your wedding is going to be then?

 

[jas]

Good for you for finding your voice!

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh Ally, I'm so glad you stood your ground, way to go girl!!!!

 

[snlee]

Way to go, Ally!! This IS the best story ever! It keeps getting better and better. Haha. I''m so glad you shut them up!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Ally - I know you were raised that family is everything, but toxic like this is NOT what family is supposed to be about. Family like this is glue that holds you to abuse and disrespect and outright loathing from those who are supposed to love you? That''s not what family is. So yes - stay true to what you believe family to be, but I can assure you that this is NOT how a family behaves.

I wouldn''t be surprised if somewhere in the back of your head the fear of raising children who behave like your sister or perhaps turning into your parents - or even having your kids AROUND people like that could be a part of why you don''t want to have children.

These are evil people. You desrve so much more.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I didn''t read all the way through LOL Good for you Ally!! Now stay strong!!! Silence is just them coming up with new and better ways to eff with you :/

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/26/2007 8:24:38 AM
Author: allycat0303
ellaila: I think I spaced because when she was talking, I was like ''are you crazy?'', ''what''s wrong with you???'' But no, no screaming, I didn''t say one heated word. I think I was more angry at FBIL then my sister. I feel like he might be behind all this. I didn''t even say damn, that''s how I felt though. I said ''I''m going to have my wedding whenever I want''

PandoraII: Life in the Viet community is always more soap-opera then anything. Family feuds, scandal etc. (people not getting into med school *gasp*, girls being disowned.... I think that is one of the main reasons I was attracted to my guy. The relief of knowing that not everybody talked about me was wonderful. They still talk, but I''m quite isolated so it''s not that bad. My sister is actually the calm, docile good one. She''s just morphed in the post few months to someone I don''t recognize. Like birdezilla or something. Although there was another incident a few months past that was also totally out of charcter for her. It''s FBIL I think, he''s really toxic.

Sweetpea: Oh I don''t know. She seems to really want to hang on to this one. It''s not the first time he''s lied. We''ve actaully addressed the *I''m superior to you* attitude before, at the beginning of the courtship. She said at that time ''he''s always saying stuff like that because he''s in lala land. He doesn''t mean any harm'' She even said ''I don''t bring him when I go out with my friends because he says stuff like that and then they get offended'' This is not a peachy, keen guy. The only thing I give you is that he is good-looking. Has family values. And he''s Viet. It''s her first real boyfriend, and before meeting him she had resigned to *dying alone* So there''s fear of being alone, not being able to find another Viet guy that she is attracted to. Lots of stuff. I think despite everything, she really loves him.

she wants THIS man to be the father of her children, male role model??

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/26/2007 7:05:01 AM
Author: allycat0303

Diamondfan: I don''t know why it is so far. I have to honestly say that all these years I never thought my family heaped poop on me. It''s only recently that I''ve looked at all the stuff and analyzed and realized that it was awful. My uncle stayed with us, one summer 4 years ago, and when he left he told my relatives ''I can''t imagine how Ally lives in that house, because she gets screamed all the time'' But I remember thinking back then, it''s because I''m messy, because I''m not in med school, I''m a disruptive influance. Who knows. But now looking back on it I think the dynamic was very off. But all of this has made me wonder, if a) this is just too toxic b) that it is time to stop this cycle. I don''t know why it is so hard to just put family aside. We''re raised from when we are very young to honnor the family, the parents, no matter what. That the family is much more important then the individul. It''s deeply ingrained I guess, that we don''t question it.

I am so glad you are finally starting to demand the respect you deserve.

What you describe in the highlight above is the mentality of a person who has been so abused that they have no sense of self worth... and have become so used to being treated like poop, that they actually believe that they desrve it. And this... well it just broke my heart... especially since you are still afraid that standing up for yourself is a bad thing so you feel guilty and fear retribution. It''s not evil or bad to stand up for yourself honey. To respect yourself and to demand other''s treat you with respect, like a human being with feelings and emotions. You don''t have to fear karma. They do. They abused you until you thought you deserved it. That was the stick. The carrot was telling you that by accepting their abuse you were being ''the good daughter.'' But don''t you see? You will never be able to make them happy as long as you have a spark of hope that YOU can be happy yourself. Because the only way that you can continue to be thier ''good daughter'' is to accept the abuse, and make yourself miserable. To make yourself, again, into that person who believed that you deserved that treatment. When you never did.

You''ve made a wonderful start with your sister and BIL. I don''t think your sister was standing up for you with the money arguement... I think she was just correcting him. You should be very proud of yourself!

Please continue on the path you started on! We are always here to listen, and to help. And you have a wonderful DF who loves you and sees the worth in you...even when you feel you can''t. And honey, you REALLY DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. It''s not a bad thing that you want to be happy, its not selfish, any its not going to incurr any karmic wrath.

((HUGS))

 

[E B]

I know you said you're not sure what you're going to do about your new date, but if I were you, I'd absolutely plan it in 2008. May, September, whenever. You've taken the first step in showing that toxic duo that you mean business, but booking a date in 2008 would SHOW them. I think it'd be a huge step in letting them know that they CANNOT dictate what you can and cannot not do.

Once you book the date, try to forget about them and their nastiness. I'm sure it will be hard, but remember, you'll be the beautiful bride and you'll be marrying the man you love. Bury yourself in everything wedding (when you have time) and try to tune out your sister's cries. In fact, if you can, pretend it doesn't bother you in the least. Let her throw a fit like a toddler. You'll look like the cool, composed, more mature sister you obviously are.

ETA: www.weather.com says the high for mid-May in Quebec is 62 degrees, perfect light sweater weather for an outdoor wedding. May 17th is a Saturday. Just sayin'.

 

[flopkins]

oh man, I was waiting for you to post and ...


YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is so awesome, I am glad you did your ''homework'' and got the scoop and totally annihilated FBIL. kudos for being straighforward and calm about it. sounds like your sister is stuck in a bad place, I kinda feel for her.

 

[Hopes]

Wow, allycat. YOU ROCK!!! That''s all I can say. There''s not a single thread of yours that''s not just absolutely great to thread.

 

[SoonIHope]

I am soooooooo soooooo proud of you Ally!!!!!!!

That is the best story I have heard in so long and I cannot even express how amazing it is that you actually went through with it!!!!! Good job standing up for yourself, you are soooooooooo in the right on EVERY point!!!!!

 

[sumbride]

rock on Ally!

 

[Kerbear560]

Way to go ally!!! You couldn''t have handled that more perfectly if you tried! And, don''t worry about a karma backlash- you did absolutely NOTHING wrong!

 

[FacetFire]

Wow...you done good. I am very impressed by the way that you handled that...perfect! I have to agree, I''d do it this year. You really could pull it off by then! But, whatever you do, you really should feel good about the way things went. Let us know how things progress!

 

[Blenheim]

FI and I are both doing a happy dance here! I''m so proud of you!!

 

[HOUMedGal]

Date: 1/26/2007 12:14:02 PM
Author: Mara
omg ally that is the BEST STORY EVER!!!!!!!! i love it.

radio silence. you go girl. seriously...quite frankly who cares if you just ended their wedding plans. if so that was a marriage that was doomed anyway with all those secrets and lies and flat out bad attitudes. plus then you can have 2008 back.

SERIOUSLY!!!

Ally, I''m soooo glad you said what you did. You are fantastic.

And I agree, if what you said DID end their wedding plans, then your sister will MUCH better off than she would be married to that jerkoff loser.

Forgive me, but this is way more amusing than any soap opera! I mean, don''t get me wrong, my heart aches for you that you''re having to go through this, but FBIL is just SOOOOOOOOOO ridiculous! I cannot believe him! Does he honestly believe you''ll just sit back and say "oh, we''ll wait till 2010, that''s fine...or would 2011 be better for you?"

I think you should either just go for having the wedding in 2007 (it doesn''t take that long to plan a small, comfortable affair...when I moved my wedding date up, I only had 4 months to plan and everything ended up perfect!) or stick to your guns and keep 2008. It''s YOURS, you have every right to keep the date you want.

 

[oshinbreez]

Ok, I''ve been doing more thinking about this. The more I think about it, the more I think you should stick with your date. I would tell your parents and sister that you will be keeping your date. Then I would mention to them that if they want to save face in the Viet community that SHE will change her date. YOU booked your venue on 12-9. I''m sure you have some kind of receipt for the deposit that you paid. She booked her venue after yours. It wouldn''t be any problem to tell your aunt about your sister STEALING your date, and showing her the proof. What would the Viet community think of your parents if they knew that they supported your sister taking your date? Just something to think about.

 

[bee*]

Yay ally! I cant believe your FBIL-what an a**hole! I would stick with your date. I cant believe he expected you to hold off your wedding until 2010

 

[Liquiddazi]

WAY TOO GO ALLY! I''m so happy that you stood up for yourself!

 

[VRBeauty]

Allycat: WOW! WOW! WOW!

You go, girl!

Your sister and FBIL are just unbelievable! You couldn't make up characters like those two, nobody would believe you...

BTW I think this thread would make for a chicklit best seller!

 

[gingerBcookie]

oh my goodness how did i miss all this?!?! i just spent 30 minutes trying to catch up. oh alley honey, so sorry you going through all this madness. i know how stressful med school is and to add wedding planning and toxic relationships to the mix...

>

I am soooooooo glad you stood up for yourself. I 1000000% understand the whole vietnamese family blind duty thing. It''s bred, trained, so sinously incorporated and interweaved into who you are and is ridiculously difficult to ignore. It''s hard for many who don''t have this to understand the drive it has behind every decision you make. For you to do what you did (and btw, you couldn''t have done it more PERFECTLY

), i know how much courage and balls it took and i''m really happy for you. it took me a looooong time to get to the point where i could say no to my family. it took a ridiculous amount of stress in my life from med school that led me to really think over my priorities and realize that at some point, i was going to have to live my life and not let my family live it. after the poop hit the ceiling, many tears, threats of disownment, actual disownment, success, re-entry into the family, things are better, actually things are great. BUT, after all this, instinctively I still automatically obey, and have to really pause and consciously stop myself, then make a decision for myself about wheter or not to do what they ask.

no matter what happens, the fact that you did what you did is a major breakthrough in yourself and your relationship with your family. keep us updated hon. i told hubby what was going on and he is livid for you. you''ve got yourself quite the cheering section down here is houston!

 

[CrownJewel]

Cheers to Ally!!! What you did took guts, and I''m so proud of you! It''s hard to break an "abusive" cycle, but once you take the first step...it''s all good from there!! HOORAY!

Keep us updated. I''ll be thinking of you!

 

[Skippy123]

Ally,
I am soooooo sorry! I went through the same exact thing with my sister and her husband!!! It was a nightmare. Here is my post. https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/a-smudge-on-my-proposal-or-am-i-over-reacting.56217/page-2 This was just the tip of the iceburg.


I am glad you stood up to them!!!

 

[icekid]

I am late, but damn ally! totally proud of you... your wedding is going to be wonderfully yours, no matter when it is- but I hope you keep your original date.

 

[allycat0303]

So many people to thank! It''s too funny because my guy was thinks that I seem to draw on the wonderful members of this forum to get the guts to do somethings that frankly need to be done. He was shocked that I had said anything at all! He feels pretty constrained because he doesn''t want to offend my family, so he can''t step in which is a shame.

I haven''t decided on a date yet. I know I said that I would have it whenever I wanted, but in absolute truth, I''m waiting to see how the dust is going to settle before making any new decisions.

My parents had a very *upsetting* weekend with my sister and FBIL. There was a very ugly confrontation with my parents, because they were demanding committements for which wedding my parents were to attend, trying to get my parents to disown me for being disrespectful....aparently lots of drama. But I spent the weekend at my guy''s house, so not a peep from anyone. I studied, relaxed, and went shopping for art (the walls are a little bare) and was totally oblivious to it all. And I''m totally happy with that because the thing keeps growing in proportion (and getting more outlandish) that I don''t think it''s good for me to *know* because it will stress me out even more.

Snlee (oh my gosh that pic of your ring...that stone looks HUGE),

TravelingGal (well we all have our little quirks. I do have to say that I never noticed his teeth before. But you know whe you really dislike someone, you tend to avoid looking at their face.

GingerBCookie; Hi sweetie. I think I''m starting to be able to say no. I find it all very hard and very taxing. I can''t get over the heavy, heavy feelings of guilt. I think it''s inbred into Viet girls.

Ephemery1, AmberWaves, Kerbear560, I keep thinking karma.....

Have to admit, I''m getting an exam back this week and I''m scared. But I suppose this is all mental guilt. Because from an objective point of view, I''m thinking FBIL and my sister were more wrong.

Galateia: The latest murmurs are that she is still dead set on a wedding...so no wakeup call yet.

NYCsparkle: No my sister hasn''t said a word to me yet. I have a feeling she is trying to figure out her relationship right now. My gut is that it was news to her, but eventually we will have to talk. I''m giving her time to calm down.

IndieJones, lili, Ebree, flopkins, Hopes, albicocca, sumbride, facetfire, Blenheim, HOUMedGal, Oshinbreez, bee*, liquiddazi, MINIMS, CrownJewel, icekid, xiuying, Lindsey, equestrienne, curlygurl, poptart, anchor31, jas, Kaleigh: Outside, non objective opinon has been invaluable to me. In all honesty, the first time this topic came up, I didn''t even get angry. I think other people''s advice allowed me to get a little angry (which I never do), because since Christmas I''ve been wondering whether or not this was a reasonable request. My personal cheering section! Thanks a zillion ladies.

Cehrabehra, Gypsy: Thank you for the thoughtful, insightful posts. You ladies pointed out things that went beyond just the fact that the request was "unreasonable". I appreciate both of your wisdon *HUGS*

Skippy123: Oh my gosh! I find the stories so similar! I have a feeling too that there''s a lot more about this FBIL then meets the eye. I can only imagine what is going to happen next with them.

Appletini: I DO feel like the whole thing is becoming very wedding centered for her, and she''s not taking the time to work on the relationship. But at this point, that wedding has a mind of it''s own.

Mara: Well it''s probably entertaining to recount but I felt sick in my stomach after the whole thing. Talk about stress!

Thanks for everything ladies!