A date conflict....

[KristyDarling]

Date: 1/23/2007 7:18:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal
**giving Deco and FG hockey sticks**

Deco, TG, and FG -- I don''t need a hockey stick. Just let me get in a few slaps.

Ally, this sister is a DOCTOR??? (or training to be, right?) I''m sorry to bash, but that is S-C-A-R-Y.

 

[Mara]

just make sure she doesn't try to hit you again!! if you tell her no, do it from behind a goalie's mask...

making light of it here but i remember your stories about her, be careful. i think if fyou want 2008 you should have it BUT are you sure you two will get married after all? if i were her, i'd be a little pissy if you fought for 2008 then 2008 came and you guys didn't even get married. i'd be like damn she was all bitchy about having it be her year and in the end it didn't even happen and we had to get married in 2007 or 2009 or whatever. anyway just some food for thought. NO you are not being unreasonable, it's not unreasonable to want what you want for your wedding. but are you sure the wedding is 1000% on? if not...then maybe show a little flexibility, just because? lol i guess on the other hand maybe her wedding might not happen as well since it sounds like her dude is not the biggest winner. hmmm

 

[ladykemma]

actually as i read this i kept thinking "double wedding, double wedding"

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 1/23/2007 7:50:58 PM
Author: ladykemma
actually as i read this i kept thinking ''double wedding, double wedding''

lk, I was thinking the exact same thing!

Ally, I hate that your sister has put you in this position but I have to agree with the others. Let her have her wedding in 2007. She has no right to ask you to change your life for her.

I may need one of those hockey sticks too!

 

[Fancy605]

I agree that it really WOULD make since for her to go ahead and get married this year because you can really get a phemonimal deal on a house right now, and who knows what it''ll be like in ''08.

I agree with the majority here that you should not have to postpone your wedding an entire extra year. She can plan around what has already been established (i.e. Your Wedding Date). When in 08 is your wedding? I have 2 great friends who are sisters who both married in 06 with 6 or 7 months between them dispite the strees level their parents claimed it would cause, and no one keeled over from it. I know that every situation is different, but I really don''t see where it would be much of a problem.

As others have said, you''ve been engaged for some time, your date is set, she should be able to plan around it.

 

[VRBeauty]

Just say no. Act as if she had asked nicely -- which after all is all she has a right to do -- and tell her, nicely, that you are sticking with your wedding date and venue. You do not need to justify your decision to her. You do not have to offer solutions to her "problems."

Remember, "No" is a complete sentence.

 

[february2003bride]

NO. DO NOT put your life on hold for another year because she wants her wedding in 2008! Her relationship with this guy sounds rocky at best. So let's say, you say yes, and she and her FI end up splitting up?!? Then you've lost your date!

Say no no no no no no.

ETA: Have you considered moving your date to 2007? Have your wedding and then you can breath easy and watch the craziness her's will become.

 

[diamondfan]

It is emotional blackmail. As someone whose sister always pushed me around, trust me when I tell you it is like creating a monster that will never go away. Take a stand NOW. Will she tell you when you can get pregnant? Where you can live? What you can name your child? If you do not make the boundaries clear now, honestly, it will only keep happening til you are ready to explode. That is what happened to me, and I am not sure the relationship can be repaired (and honestly? between you, me and all of PS who might read this? I DON''T WANT TO FIX IT ANYMORE.) That is what all her years of demands and bad beahvior have caused. Try to tell her that you understand how she feels but she is being unreasonable. You got engaged first and you are older, doesn''t that mean something culturally? You should not have to capitulate. And anyone who would threaten not to be there on your day? Forget ''em...if they are serious it is awful and if they are bullying you it is also bad! I am sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[Jas12]

Say NO--her requests sound utterly selfish! I have never heard of such behaviour. If you did switch to 2009 i could see her saying can you move it back to 2011 b/c i''ll be pregnant and then want to loose the baby weight. Insane!

 

[CrownJewel]

Ally, I support the "just say no" campaign. It''s hard to say no to sisters, but there is no reason why you have to change your wedding date for her. You''re not being selfish at all to do what you want. A whole year separation between the two weddings is ridiculous. Do it a day apart!

You can''t keep letting her have her way. Just because she''s family does not mean you have to "yes yes yes" everything. Have your wedding in 2008!!!

 

[akw94]

Ally,
Sorry you are going through this. It sounds painful and incredibly annoying! I agree with the majority here about saying NO. If you want your wedding in ''08, then you should have it then. She does not get to decide your wedding date. If you''re feeling like compromising, then you can do that too. But most important, it''s YOUR choice, not hers! I also agree that you don''t have to justify yourself to her about your reasons. I understand you might feel the need to but you don''t owe her that. You''re not marrying her!
I hope it works out the way you want!

 

[Kit]

Ally,

This is bad, seriously bad. Your sister is holding you and your FI emotionally hostage! The fact that you two are afraid of her reactions, walking on eggshells...not okay. Alarm bells are going off for me there. Clearly there have been some really bad patterns established in your family and I''m not sure that at this stage you have the tools to deal with them in a healthy manner that honors yourself. Can you tell your sister you need more time (to shut her up for a bit) and work with a therapist or family counselor so they can help you get some perspective and guide you in your actions with your sister?

Honestly, IMO this is emotional abuse. You should not be factoring in your sister''s angry reactions into your life planning. It''s just not okay.

I hope you can find the strength to put yourself first. You deserve everything in life including a wedding date that you choose.

 

[Kerbear560]

Ally, I''m so sorry that your sister has put you in this position! I agree with everyone else here. You were engaged first, and put down a deposit on a reception venue for 2008- she has no right to ask you to postpone your wedding and essentially put your life on hold for another year because it would be easier for her- and then to refuse to participate in your wedding and make it an unpleasant experience if you don''t...how selfish! If she is so worried about her list of reasons why she should get married in 2008, then why doesn''t she plan her wedding for this year? There is more than enough time for her to do so if it''s that important that you not be married in the same year...then nobody has to wait until 2009! If you absolutely want to be married next year, you have to stand your ground, regardless of what your sister''s reaction might be- and in no way should you feel guilty. From my experience, people will treat you how you allow them to treat you...so the longer you let her emotionally blackmail you into giving in to her every whim even if it''s not what YOU want, she''ll continue to do it, until you just end up resenting her (if you don''t already)! What kind of relationship is that to have with your sister? If you do say no, hopefully your experience will be the same as oshinbreez''s- your relationship may suffer for a while, but best case scenario, after a cooling off period it will be better than it ever was.

Which leads me to sort of an uncomfortable question (which is along the lines of what Mara already brought up), but I''ll ask it anyway-ARE you absolutely sure you want to get married next year? I know that you''re saying that you are, but could it be possible that aside from the fact that you''ve never said no to anything your sister has asked you, that in the back of your mind you''re considering saying yes because it gives you a reason to postpone? I''m bringing this up for a couple of different reasons- because you stated that you had just recently gotten back together with your FI and the relationship was rocky in the near past, so no additional planning has been done aside from the deposit on the reception venue (Maybe you feel like you might need more time to work things out before you continue with planning, and you aren''t sure if you''ll be ready by summer?), and because you stated that your sister''s reasons for why she should have 2008 were "really good" (Do you really think that, or are you trying to convince yourself, and us?). I don''t mean to offend you at all, and I''m sorry if I have...It was just a thought, and if I''m way off base, just let me know. In any case, the right thing to do is what''s in your heart. Be true to yourself, and everything else will fall into place. HTH!

 

[rainbowtrout]

Like LK said...double wedding a la Jane Austen? If it really is such a huge affair with 2-3 days of celebrations, why not? Although if you sister is as bratty as it sounds, this won''t work for her, not enough "me" time.

Honestly I don''t see why this is such a problem. You two could have your wedding at opposite ends of the year or somesuch like that...or she could get married in 2007.

 

[allycat0303]

Aw guys, you are all wonderful. My baby and I had supper at my parents house last night to try and talk the situation with them over, because January is almost finished. See how they stand on it. So many points which have been brought up, which I need to clarify (and say thanks to each and everyone of you).

1) They can't have the wedding in 2007 because FBIL's family is paying for it. They just paid for the engagement ring and they are paying for the house. They need some time to recover a bit before the next big hit. They can do 2008 and 2009, but my sister wants 2008 for the reasons listed before. Yes. I know this is a little excessive.

2)....although my parents (who don't get along with the FBIL's family) suspect the 2008 demand for many reasons a) because the family wants this done with so that my sister won't change her mind b) if they have the wedding first, most of the out of town wedding guests will come only to her wedding, and bring the VERY generous red envelopes to her. So my parents feel there is a financial incentive.

3) they can't buy a house unless married (legit reason here) because they are not married. I did it because I'm dating a white guy, so no one in the Viet community knows, or is intrested in anything I do...therefore, I can't bring shame onto the family. If I were dating a Viet guy, my parents would never have let me buy the house before marriage. It sounds unfair and ridiculous, but that's the way it is. I've had all sorts of other freedoms along the way so I can't get nasty over this one.

4) And do I really want to get married? I do, things are going well. Can I change my mind? I'm sure I can, as anyone can, but I don't think that necessarily means that she should have the right to demand that I change things for her. I mean for all I know, she might change her mind. Some things have been said in the last few weeks that I find EXTREMELY sketchy and I have the feeling that a new bomb-shell is about to be dropped on her considering his so-called *new employment

*

Which comes to the conclusion. Talk about sisterly instincts. Since last week I've felt that there was something on my sister's mind. That she was a little *off* which is probably why I decided to really deal with this issue....ANYWAYS (you're all gonna love this) but this is why my baby and I didn't answer any of the posts last night. We were both *upset* to put it mildly,so during dinner, my parents tell me that..

My sister booked the Windsor for July 26, 27 2008. And no. That doesn't mean double wedding. It means that she now has my wedding date. Although the pretense is that FBIL's family did it without consulting our family blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I don't believe it for a second. There's 3 months where a wedding can take place, and 12 weekends. I don't think this is a coincidence. Not to mention that we picked July 26 th because we wanted to be able to celebrate our wedding anniversary on the same day as the anniversary we started dating (you can't forget the 11 years that we were together before the wedding). It was a very smart, very skillful way of getting what she wanted because she could tell I was going to say no. Ok maybe I'm being suspiscious, vindictive and jealous, whatever, but I don't see how this was an accident. I know many of you are going to say "give her the benefit of the doubt" but I'm sorry, I don't see any doubt here.

So then my parents told me I should be a *good sister* I don't know what that means. Funny that no one is telling her that. C'est la vie. I'm really mad. I know I shouldn't be, but I am REALLY MAD. Breath. I swear I see red whenever I think about it.

Thanks poptart, Mara, Travelinggal, Ebree, Deco, Robbie, diamondfan, jamiesorr, Aloros, Oshinbreez, MINIMS, curlygurl, CrownJewel, KristyDarling (scary Dr.? Sometimes, I think Dr can develop an arrogant-self entitled attitude...), gypsy, Independent Gal, Firegoddess (my girl! There's that fire I'm talking about! Hugs!), Blenheim, HOUmedGAl, ladykemma, Kerbears, dixie94, fancy605, february2005bride, Jas12

I appreciate all of you taking the time to write to me.

 

[anchor31]

I can''t believe this. I can''t believe how selfish, childish and manipulative she''s being... She picked her 2007 date and then you picked your 2008 and put a deposit down for it, and now she stole your date because she wants kids sooner?! That''s outrageous!

You''re older, you''ve been with your man 10 years and you were engaged before! I can''t believe how mean your sister and her FI''s family is being.

If she hadn''t taken your exact date, I would have said just keep your date and do whatever you want, but now I''m not sure what to tell you... If it were me I would elope, I guess! But that may not be what you want and from what I understand it''d probably cause even more trouble... Or how about a nice fall wedding?

She''d still be married first, right?

I''m really sorry you''re going through this... Family issues are the hardest.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I just had to delete about eight innappropriate phrases...


This is UNBELIEVABLE. Is this about her marrying a Viet guy and that''s why your parents aren''t up in arms? Grrrrrrrr.

 

[allycat0303]

Anchor,

Hey sweetie. No, she never picked a 2007 date, she always wanted 2008. I haven't seen her yet, but I'm sure that my parents will tell her that I know. It's going to be a very lovely conversation I'm sure. I find it kind of poopy that my parents have known about this for more then a week and they never said anything to me. They've always been more about keeping the peace then about who's right or wrong. And worst they are pretending this is all just some crazy coincidence. Which makes me wonder how stupid everyone *really* thinks I am.

I am coming up with options, but I haven't decided yet. I'm thinking maybe I will keep my date and see who backs out first. I can't believe she would actually have her wedding on the same day as me. Maybe it's an intimidation tactic. I don't know. We'll see.

Rainbow: well the Viet community keeping face thing plays into it. But it's hard to explain. My parents aren't one to take sides. They are people who will try to keep the peace even if one sibling is being totally evil. What they always do is find the weakest one and appeal to that one on family duty, love, guilt, to get that sibling to fold. Unfortunately, I've always been the weakest link, so I always fold because I'm the easiest one swayed by family duty. And of all of them, I'm the least volatile, my sister and brothers can have very strong, very nasty reactions, where else I tend to be more calm and accepting.

 

[Pandora II]

Hey Alley!

I''ve booked the 26th July 08 as well. Now I would love to have you as my wedding date twin but your sister

Okay, only joking!

Seriously though, I think you should hold out for your date and your wedding. You have susch good reasons for having this date. Just tell your sister where to get off!

 

[tiffanytwisted]

I cannot believe she booked the same date.

That is about as low as she could have gone to get what she wanted, and to do it to her own sister! I am not about to tell you to give her the benefit of the doubt, because from where I stand there is no doubt. She knew you probably weren''t going to give up 2008 and she manipulated the situation to get what she wanted.
You seem like a very nice person, I have no real advice but I am truly sorry that your sister has done this to you. And I understand why your parents are trying to "keep the peace" but I really wish someone would put her in her place.
I agree that a fall 2008 wedding would be nice, or even spring (then you could do it before hers), but that doesn''t fall on your anniversary date so it''s not quite as sentimental.
Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[hopefulheidi]

I am LIVID *for* you. I thought having my sister already threatening to take over my wedding planning was bad enough but as for your sister taking over your actual wedding weekend

....I would have a very difficult time forgiving something like that. The fact that you would suggest the P-scope community would tell you to give her the benefit of the doubt just shows that you''re a better person than I. I''d tell you to be pissed off and stand up for yourself (which is easy to say being outside of the situation). I''ve never really stood up to my sister, but she''s never done something that horrible to me either.

Even if you were on the fence before about having your wedding that weekend...I would TOTALLY refuse to move it now as you set your date first. I''d be a complete brat just on principle.

Good luck with this cruddy situation. Can''t wait to hear how this works itself out

~Heidi

 

[poptart]

GASP! Your sister''s behavior is absolutely DEPLORABLE. You shouldn''t be giving her the benefit of the doubt... you should be giving her the benefit of a smack upside the head! How immature, selfish, and downright disgusting of her to book the same date as you on PURPOSE. I seriously don''t understand. Alright, I am with everyone else that you should keep your date. She is using this as a scare tactic to make you back down. If you are only having a small wedding anyway, keep the date. Your family can go to whichever wedding they want to. As for your parents... I''m flaming. It''s one thing for a sister to go behind your back like that and act like a child. But for your own parents to keep it from you in order to keep the peace? That is so amazingly untrustworthy. I''m so sorry this is happening to you. Keep your date and please, stand up for yourself. Don''t let your sister push you around anymore. Clearly she already knows exactly which buttons to push. Let her know that you are done playing her game, and instead you are going to live your life the way you are your FI see fit. Best of luck.

*M*

 

[ephemery1]

I am APPALLED... like, mouth dropped open as I sit here staring at the computer screen... how unfathomably selfish can one person be?? Does she REALLY not understand how disrespectful she is being to her own sister? She is essentially declaring that her life/marriage is more important than yours... and then expecting you to say "yes, you''re right, of course it is." Yet by booking YOUR date, she obviously knows her request was unfair... or she wouldn''t have had to go that far behind your back.

Ally, I understand you''ve been conditioned to be the peacemaker in your family... and it''s really hard to put your foot down now, after years and years of giving in. I also understand the importance of picking your battles when it comes to family stuff... sometimes giving in is easier for long-term harmony. You just have to ask yourself honestly where your breaking point is... and then STOP before you reach it. And this would be it, for me!

My inclination would be to keep the date... explain the sentimental significance to your family (even though it might not help) and then keep on planning. And if your sister complains, offer her a choice: you either keep your date or you move it up to late 2007 instead. Then you guys wouldn''t be getting married in the same year, so if that''s truly her motivation, she should be appeased. But if her motivation is just to be FIRST... you''ll find out.

Take some deep breaths and be thankful that you are an empathetic, fair, compassionate person and because of that, you will undoubtedly live a much more happy and fulfilled life than your sister can even imagine right now. You poor thing... I''d be SEETHING.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 1/24/2007 7:14:51 AM
Author: allycat0303

My sister booked the Windsor for July 26, 27 2008. And no. That doesn't mean double wedding. It means that she now has my wedding date. Although the pretense is that FBIL's family did it without consulting our family blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I don't believe it for a second. There's 3 months where a wedding can take place, and 12 weekends. I don't think this is a coincidence. Not to mention that we picked July 26 th because we wanted to be able to celebrate our wedding anniversary on the same day as the anniversary we started dating (you can't forget the 11 years that we were together before the wedding). It was a very smart, very skillful way of getting what she wanted because she could tell I was going to say no. Ok maybe I'm being suspiscious, vindictive and jealous, whatever, but I don't see how this was an accident. I know many of you are going to say 'give her the benefit of the doubt' but I'm sorry, I don't see any doubt here.


So then my parents told me I should be a *good sister* I don't know what that means. Funny that no one is telling her that. C'est la vie. I'm really mad. I know I shouldn't be, but I am REALLY MAD. Breath. I swear I see red whenever I think about it.

Ally,
I feel so bad for you both. Does it surprise me? Not too much.
I would keep your date, and plan away. Is 18 mos too early to send out STD's....

Someone above mentioned something about when you have kids you couldn't name baby something because that's what she wants. My sis actually did this to me when we were both pregnant 25 years ago. I picked the name Joshua if I had a boy, and she threw a fit because she wanted Joshua and we both couldn't have the same name. I told her sorry, but if I had a son, that would be his name.....and I was due a month before her

. So I had my son....Joshua.....boy was she upset that I "took her name". Six weeks later, she had her baby.....a GIRL.

ETA: Where's the hockey sticks?

 

[decodelighted]

1. Stay totally calm
2. Realize that this is going to stay ugly & it''s not your fault
3. Order & send "STD"s our as soon as possible to everyone you want to invite
4. Don''t. Back. Down.

I understand why your parents WANT you to as they say "be a good sister" -- because it''s EASIER for THEM if you let the beeatch have her way.

Know this: it''s not really "being a good sister" to do that. You know in your heart what is "right" and let the pieces fall where they may.

I agree with everyone else that says THIS is the place to take a stand if you are EVER gonna take one -- and for your own sanity, of course you should!

p.s. -- this is more evidence of how unspeakably cruel & selfish she is. it is going to be HUMILIATING for her to follow your STDs with her own crazily same day STDs. HA!

I doubt her damaged, shrunken, black hole ego will allow her to do so.

 

[poptart]

Send the Save The Dates NOW!! I agree!

*M*

 

[eleguin]

Everyone else has already said everything I am thinking (seriously appalling!). But definitely send out STDs as soon as you can. It seems like your sister is really trying to race you to it and steal your day that has already been set. If anything, send out an STD email first, followed by a postcard or something. Just make sure that people know about your wedding date.

I agree with what everyone else has said about not backing down.

 

[hlmr]

Nasty, nasty, nasty! So sorry you have to deal with this Ally!

Tell her, no problem, you can have my date, and then I would book my wedding the weekend after hers, so she can either miss it (on her honeymoon), or have to rearrange her honeymoon for your wedding.

 

[Mara]

gosh ally i'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. what your sister did is ridiculous.

i know you have given us some insight into your family and how they work in the past. so knowing that, i seriously doubt from what you have said that they will offer you any support if you decide to fight this with your sister.

so really what can you do? it's no fun to feel like no one but your fiance is backing you. i don't really consider that WE PS'ers supporting you counts, because face it, we don't see you on a daily basis nor can offer you much other than verbal 'go get em girl'. it's easy to say something like that when we are on one side of the computer but not when only one person is on your side in real life.

so really unfortunately, it sucks but i think you will just have to suck it up and go on. normally i would never say this but based on your history with your sister and what you have posted about your family, how they like to just stick their heads in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong....everyone will blame you if you try to change what is going on. your sister knows this, probably knows you aren't strong enough to stand up to everyone for a continued period of time (they will wear you down) etc.

i hate advocating laying down and playing dead. if i were you i'd be so mad i'd just go off and do my own thing when i wanted to even if it was just me and my fiance getting married on some island. but you have serious family ties that you are roped into mentally, i think that is part of what you are working on in therapy? what does your therapist say? some families are just so amazingly toxic, it's sick. and i feel really badly for you and i am really angry that there are parents out there who don't realize that they can't just pretend nothing is wrong and they are doing serious DAMAGE to both you and your sister by being the way they are. but i don't know what to say knowing the history, other than you might just want to make peace with this for your own mental state and just move on from the nastiness and do your own thing. do not let her actions color your wedding.

and seriously, do you think she's going to make it to the altar?

oooh mean thought but maybe she books it for your date, and then a year into it, oh woops they break up, you can swoop and in rescue the date, lol. that would be such the best karma. that's so mean to say that though.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 1/24/2007 11:24:02 AM
Author: hlmr
Nasty, nasty, nasty! So sorry you have to deal with this Ally!


Tell her, no problem, you can have my date, and then I would book my wedding the weekend after hers, so she can either miss it (on her honeymoon), or have to rearrange her honeymoon for your wedding.

Ally''s sis wouldn''t care about missing Ally''s wedding. She needs to keep her date.