A date conflict....

[allycat0303]

Ok, so something has been bothering me since Christmas, but I''m not sure if it should...

So as many of you know, I''ve picked a wedding date in 2008, and we put a deposit down for the reception. But having as the relationship was rocky in the near past, no planning has been done apart from that. Since we had only recently gotten back together and were working things out, and school has been crazy. I figured that I would start planning in the summer.

My sister got engaged just before Christmas (she''s 2 years younger then me). And recently decided that she wants 2008 to have her wedding. So she asked me if I would mind having my wedding later, in 2009 (she absolutely doesn''t want us to have our wedding the same year). She offered to refund the deposit I put down, so that it wouldn''t cost me anything.

She gave me some really good reasons for why she would have 2008:

a) her and her fiance want to buy a house together, and they can''t until they are married
b) she wants to have children, and I''m unsure, so her getting married before hand would give her a few years with her man before they start trying for children.
c) she thinks it would be too much for her to have a wedding and buy a house in the same year.
d) She doesn''t feel like I am wedding-crazed anyways, so it wouldn''t make a difference to me if I waited another year.

The background here is that my parents REALLY don''t like this guy. The stories go on forever: he lied about having a job, abusive, and didn''t ask them permission to marry her (a big no-no in our culture) they refused to plan an engagement party, and I threw her one over the Christmas break.

So right now she feels as though no one is supporting this marriage. And I''m not saying I support, I just don''t have the energy for the conflict.

But the thing is.... I really don''t want to have my wedding a year later. I just never say no to my family. They make all sorts of totally unreasonable requests and my answer is always "yes". And I''m not a people-pleaser or anything. Just when it comes to family, I''m excessively easy to walk all over. So I''ve been thinking about it since Christmas, and I really, really want to say no. I just feel like I am being a totally selfish, bad person if I say no. AND my sister is likely to be LIVID because I KNOW she is going to interpret this as "I don''t support your upcoming wedding" AND I''ve never said no to anything she''s ever asked me in my whole life

And if I look at it on paper, I do kind of see how she should get married first. But then another part of me says, "why do I always have to put what I want aside?"

So the question is do I say no? (and risk a huge conflict...it''s going to get really messy, not to mention the tremendous guilt. I feel it already and I haven''t said anything yet )
Or just say yes because her arguments make sense?

I told her in December that I would tell her at the end of the month and I keep going back and forth on what the *right* thing to do is.

 

[poptart]

If you want to have it in 2008, then have it in 2008. It''s not up to her when the two of you should marry. Did you ask her why she didn''t want you to get married in the same year? It makes no sense to me. And keeping your wedding date is not the same as telling her she can''t get married or something. Just say that you don''t want it to be read as unsupportive, but you would also like to be married in 2008. There''s no reason that both of you can''t do that.

*M*

 

[fatafelice]

Ally, here is my blunt take on this....If you want to get married in 2008, then JUST SAY NO to your sister.

In a way, I can see the validity of some of her points...BUT when you get down to it, she is basically asking you to put your entire life on hold for a year, just because it would be more convenient for her. That''s not right. Tell her you are planning on getting married in ''08 and she can either decide to wait (she is younger than you) or she can suck it up and get married in the same year! Period.

 

[allycat0303]

Thanks Poptart. The reason she doesn't want it the same year is because she feels that the out of town family guests would have to choose, and she wants to be sure everyone can be at her wedding. In addition, the traditional Viet wedding is a 2 day affair (minimum) and she wants to have a HUGE wedding, so she doesn't want to have our family splitting the attention between us. Something like 350-400 people, so really enormous. My parents don't want the weddings to be on the same year either, because they think it's too much stress on them. Personally I don't care. We were looking at a 80-90 person wedding, so I don't mind if some people don't come. She's just really against that.

Fatefelice: I KNOW that's what I should do. But seriously my sister is scary. (Even my fiance who is LIVID at the request is questioning the wisdom of saying no to her). He's as much on the fence as I am. But actually when we read your response, you mentioned that it "some of her points are valid" for her to get married first...which kind of put us back in the, maybe we are being unreasonable camp.

 

[poptart]

Date: 1/23/2007 5:47:11 PM
Author: allycat0303
Thanks poptart. The reason she doesn''t want it the same year is because she feels that the out of town family guests would have to choose, and she wants to be sure everyone can be at her wedding. In addition, the traditional Viet wedding is a 2 day affair (minimum) and she wants to have a HUGE wedding, so she doesn''t want to have our family splitting the attention between us. Something like 350-400 people, so really enormous. My parents don''t want the weddings to be on the same year either, because they think it''s too much stress on them. Personally I don''t care. We were looking at a 80-90 person wedding, so I don''t mind if some people don''t come. She''s just really against that.

Well, 2 days out of the WHOLE year leaves a whole lot of time for you to have you wedding, lol. Your guest list is pretty small, so that probably won''t conflict anyway. If you can have the weddings close enough to each other then your families who are coming from out of town could go to both... but I guess that''s just me trying to consolidate! It sounds like she is being kind of selfish and not understanding that you have a life you would like to live as well. I agree with fetafelice. Don''t put your life on hold just because she asks. Just tell her no. You shouldn''t feel guilty about wanting to have a life! Not to mention you aren''t hurting anyone in doing so!

*M*

 

[robbie3982]

I think you should absolutely say no! You got engaged first and picked your date first! And even if you hadn''t, no one owns a whole year! You get a day! I could even see maybe not wanting to have them the same season, but a year??? I think it was way out of line for her to even ask you this. SHE is the one who doesn''t want to have your weddings in the same year, so SHE should have to plan around YOU.

My cousin got engaged after me and decided to plan her wedding for this summer, before mine. I asked if she could please pick a date at least a month before mine since many of our guests will be shared and coming from out of town for both. I felt a little guilty for even asking this, but I really didn''t want our relatives to feel as though they had to choose.

I see no reason why she couldn''t have hers a few months before or after yours.

 

[TravelingGal]

Ally, I feel like so much has gotten in the way of your happiness already...and now that you have it sorted out, you should get married when you want. When is your date again?

How about she move up her wedding date to 2007? She''s got 11 months left in this year to go for it. Reasons for doing it 2007...

a) it''s a buyers market in many places right now. She could buy a whole year early!
b) she could have another whole year with her man before having kids!
c) she could take even a bigger break between the wedding and buying that house. And she''d have a whole year''s extra interest on them red envelopes.
d) if she''s so darn wedding crazed, she should have no problem whipping up a wedding pronto!

Tell her: chop chop!

 

[E B]

ally,

I'm sorry, but IMO, all of her "good" points flew right out the window with her refusal to marry in the same year as you. That's ridiculous. You have your own life, and you should be able to get married when you want to get married. If you reserved a date later in the year, she can get married toward the beginning (or vice versa).

I read in another of your posts that you're 26, which makes your sister 24, no? She has *plenty* of time to be with her husband before children. And the fact that you aren't wedding-crazed doesn't at all matter regarding the year you plan to get married.

It's obviously your decision and I have no doubt you'll make the right one. But it sounds like she's expecting you to fold because *you* said you always do. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. And if you let her, she might manipulate you for the rest of her life.

 

[jamiesorr]

Here are a few things that went through my mind when reading this:

1-Its has always seemed to me that the oldest should get married first.
2-If you want 2008 why can''t she do 2007
3-You had the plans first, you should not have to change them for someones wants. This is your day!!!

so if I were you I would tell her no.

Good luck!

 

[Aloros]

I''d have to agre with everyone else. I''m just not seeing why it would be a problem for her to have her wedding in the same year, as long as it''s a few months apart. And you DID get engaged first. It seems kind of silly for her to demand an entire year as her year she gets married.

I like TravelingGal''s suggestion! Good luck!

 

[fatafelice]

Ally, I only meant some of her points were valid because they were not "just because." However, she probably carefully planned that speach and reasons very carefully in order to be as convincing as possible. I don''t know your sister, but I am willing to guess that she decided she wanted to get married in 2008 and then tried to figure out a way to convince you, rather than thinking, "Hmmm, it would be best for Ally to wait to get married until 2009, so maybe we should get married before her." Does that make sense? The fact is, even if she really needed to get married in 2008 for a super-valid reason (pregnancy, dying family member, etc), she can certainly do so if she wishes. And you can get married when you want. I understand the concerns about traveling family, etc, but the fact remains that your weddings are two separate events and should take place at the best time for YOU.

As for her being scary, trust me, I get it. My older sister once told me that she would be really angry if I got married before her, even though Mike and I had been together several years longer than she and her BF had. Luckily for her, my FI didn''t ask sooner, because I would have gotten married before her whether she liked it or not. I wouldn''t put my life and *happiness* on hold for a year, just to please my sister.

BTW, I forget, what time of year are you getting married?

 

[hockeyguy]

I forgot my password, and I wrote a whole post and it didn''t work.

Ally''s sister didn''t request as much as demand. She demanded the whole year. She''s actually softened the story a lot because I don''t really think we were given a choice. Usually I would say no but her sister refused to participate in the wedding, and make the experience very unpleasent if we had the wedding in 2008. Her family means a lot to her (and to me) and I know she will be really sad if her sister wasn''t there for the wedding. Part of this is because Ally''s siblings are spoiled because she never says no, and because the situation with her husband to be is unstable. I can imagine her becoming really upset. It''s happened in the past and I don''t want to go through that again.

 

[fatafelice]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:19:09 PM
Author: hockeyguy
I forgot my password, and I wrote a whole post and it didn''t work.

Ally''s sister didn''t request as much as demand. She demanded the whole year. She''s actually softened the story a lot because I don''t really think we were given a choice. Usually I would say no but her sister refused to participate in the wedding, and make the experience very unpleasent if we had the wedding in 2008. Her family means a lot to her (and to me) and I know she will be really sad if her sister wasn''t there for the wedding. Part of this is because Ally''s siblings are spoiled because she never says no, and because the situation with her husband to be is unstable. I can imagine her becoming really upset. It''s happened in the past and I don''t want to go through that again.

I am sure that you are right, but the question is, what happens next time her sister demands something? Or the time after that? Perhaps if you and Ally take a stand here, her sister will figure out what is truly important.

 

[oshinbreez]

Ally,

Explain to your sis how you love her and all.....BUT...You and fi have been together over 10 years and already have your date picked out. You are upset that she would even think about asking you to change your date....something you would never do to her. You can understand her reasoning, but she should also understand your''s. You should keep your date. If she decides to have it in 2008, then it''s her that will be causing stress on your family. Stick to your guns.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:19:09 PM
Author: hockeyguy
I forgot my password, and I wrote a whole post and it didn''t work.

Ally''s sister didn''t request as much as demand. She demanded the whole year. She''s actually softened the story a lot because I don''t really think we were given a choice. Usually I would say no but her sister refused to participate in the wedding, and make the experience very unpleasent if we had the wedding in 2008. Her family means a lot to her (and to me) and I know she will be really sad if her sister wasn''t there for the wedding. Part of this is because Ally''s siblings are spoiled because she never says no, and because the situation with her husband to be is unstable. I can imagine her becoming really upset. It''s happened in the past and I don''t want to go through that again.

Personally hockeyguy, I''d take your hockey stick and shove it up her...

Seriously, I am pretty speechless. She sounds horrible and yet means so much to Ally? So you guys are willing to give in and continuing to fuel the blackmail fire?

 

[decodelighted]

As I''m sure you can predict ... I absolutely think you should keep your chosen wedding date and proceed at whatever pace you wish in your planning.

Bullies become bullies because it works for them. Your sister may very well have a fit & try to make things difficult for you guys etc - but

a) it will reflect more on her than it will on you

b) if you have to bend to her will to be her family -- it''s all a sham relationship anyway

c) tantrums blow over ... with any luck she''ll soon adjust to the "new reality" and agree to participate in your wedding after all. But, if not, she''ll have to live with her bratty, selfish behavior for the rest of her life

d) if her relationship is really as fragile & abusive etc as you''ve previously described -- it might be a FAVOR for you to insist on staying first in line ... hopefully she''ll come to her senses in the next year WAY before "babies" are involved.

Ooof - if she''s this way with your parents & you -- I *shudder* to think about that!

Because of her track record of volitility - I''d write up a response detailing your logic & your decision (i.e. you''ll only have 80 guests or so, not the 300+ overlap she fears ... you were engaged first, you''re oldest, you made a deposit etc). That way you can get all your points across without her interupting & making a scene.

oof. good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:25:59 PM
Author: oshinbreez
Ally,

Explain to your sis how you love her and all.....BUT...You and fi have been together over 10 years and already have your date picked out. You are upset that she would even think about asking you to change your date....something you would never do to her. You can understand her reasoning, but she should also understand your''s. You should keep your date. If she decides to have it in 2008, then it''s her that will be causing stress on your family. Stick to your guns.

That pretty much sums it up for me. Don''t let her manipulate the situation so that you look like the difficult one, when in truth she is the one who is being difficult.

 

[poptart]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:19:09 PM
Author: hockeyguy
I forgot my password, and I wrote a whole post and it didn''t work.

Ally''s sister didn''t request as much as demand. She demanded the whole year. She''s actually softened the story a lot because I don''t really think we were given a choice. Usually I would say no but her sister refused to participate in the wedding, and make the experience very unpleasent if we had the wedding in 2008. Her family means a lot to her (and to me) and I know she will be really sad if her sister wasn''t there for the wedding. Part of this is because Ally''s siblings are spoiled because she never says no, and because the situation with her husband to be is unstable. I can imagine her becoming really upset. It''s happened in the past and I don''t want to go through that again.

Well, all I can say is, if the two of you don''t stand up to her now, she''s just going to walk over the two of you the rest of your lives. You can''t live your life by someone else''s clock. Even if she did demand it, she can''t call the venue up and cancel for you. Keep your date and tell her to shove it (I liked TGal''s idea). Seriously. It''s ridiculous!

*M*

 

[fatafelice]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:35:38 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 1/23/2007 6:25:59 PM
Author: oshinbreez
Ally,

Explain to your sis how you love her and all.....BUT...You and fi have been together over 10 years and already have your date picked out. You are upset that she would even think about asking you to change your date....something you would never do to her. You can understand her reasoning, but she should also understand your''s. You should keep your date. If she decides to have it in 2008, then it''s her that will be causing stress on your family. Stick to your guns.

That pretty much sums it up for me. Don''t let her manipulate the situation so that you look like the difficult one, when in truth she is the one who is being difficult.

Well put! I wish I had said that to begin with!

 

[Independent Gal]

Why can''t she buy a house adn get married in the same year?! That argument, I don''t get. I bought a house this year, and sure, it took some time and energy, but only for a month or two. I say, if you want to get married in 2008, you should do so, just make sure it''s as far apart as possible. Why not tell her to get married in, say, Jan Feb (and yes, I know Toronto is cold in Feb! but she should give a little too, right? and winter weddings are nice) and you get married in, say, Oct. or Dec. or something. That way, she can buy her house over the summer, etc...

In other words, why not ask her to compromise a little too?

I didn''t read all the responses so I don''t know if I''m repeating stuff! Sorry if I am.

 

[KristyDarling]

Oh!!! My!!! God!!! Seriously?!? And this sister is an *adult*??? I can''t believe she had actually prepared a point-by-point argument for why Ally should put her life on hold just for her!!!!

Ally, I know you love your sister but you do not owe your sister anything. She needs to live her own life and deal with its inherent ups and downs...she should not be expecting you to adjust YOUR life so that she can conveniently live hers out in the exact way she wants. You need to stop this dysfunctional, nasty pattern NOW. Put your foot down!!!

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:19:09 PM
Author: hockeyguy
I forgot my password, and I wrote a whole post and it didn''t work.


Ally''s sister didn''t request as much as demand. She demanded the whole year. She''s actually softened the story a lot because I don''t really think we were given a choice. Usually I would say no but her sister refused to participate in the wedding, and make the experience very unpleasent if we had the wedding in 2008. Her family means a lot to her (and to me) and I know she will be really sad if her sister wasn''t there for the wedding. Part of this is because Ally''s siblings are spoiled because she never says no, and because the situation with her husband to be is unstable. I can imagine her becoming really upset. It''s happened in the past and I don''t want to go through that again.

I can understand about a "demanding" sister. Mine''s always been like that. Many years ago, I started telling her NO. Our relationship suffered because of it for awhile. But now we have a better friendship than ever. And she doesn''t demand anything of me.....she''ll ask.....and if I don''t want to, I won''t.....lol

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:48:41 PM
Author: KristyDarling
Oh!!! My!!! God!!! Seriously?!? And this sister is an *adult*??? I can''t believe she had actually prepared a point-by-point argument for why Ally should put her life on hold just for her!!!!

Ally, I know you love your sister but you do not owe your sister anything. She needs to live her own life and deal with its inherent ups and downs...she should not be expecting you to adjust YOUR life so that she can conveniently live hers out in the exact way she wants. You need to stop this dysfunctional, nasty pattern NOW. Put your foot down!!!

And if that doesn''t work, I still say: Swing that hockey stick!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[bee*]

Ally, I''d definitely tell her no! Thats so stupid that she wont get married in the same year as you! Tell her that she if she doesnt want that, there''s always 2007 and if not she''ll have to wait until 2009. You have to do stuff for yourself too

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 1/23/2007 6:19:09 PM
Author: hockeyguy

Ally''s sister didn''t request as much as demand. She demanded the whole year. She''s actually softened the story a lot because I don''t really think we were given a choice. Usually I would say no but her sister refused to participate in the wedding, and make the experience very unpleasent if we had the wedding in 2008. Her family means a lot to her (and to me) and I know she will be really sad if her sister wasn''t there for the wedding. Part of this is because Ally''s siblings are spoiled because she never says no, and because the situation with her husband to be is unstable. I can imagine her becoming really upset. It''s happened in the past and I don''t want to go through that again.

First, I agree wholeheartedly with whoever suggested that all the reasons Ally''s sister needs to get married in 2008 instead of 2009 are EXACTLY the same reasons she should get married in 2007 instead of 2008.

Ally, I would tell her no. If she is seriously as spoiled as this sounds it is time to get her brattiness handed to her on a plate and say enough already. She needs to either plan the wedding for this year or suck it up and wait if she can''t *possibly* share the year with you. Threatening to not participate in your wedding and make it an unpleasant experience is a horrible thing that no sister should ever do or even threaten to do. She should be slapped. Call me if you want me to come up there and do it.

But seriously - there are plenty of reasons you should be able to get married in 2008 and not wait until 2009. You have waited long enough, have taken your time to get to this point, and you have started the planning process. I know you aren''t far into it, but seriously....you shouldn''t have to put your life on hold another year at the whim of your sister. Particularly when she''s got 11 months to plan a wedding for this year.

 

[Blenheim]

My feeling is that she prepared the detailed list of why she deserves the 2008 wedding because she KNOWS, consciously or unconsciously, that she''s being completely unreasonable. Please put your foot down.

 

[Pandora II]

Sorry Ally, but this is nuts. Your sister is blackmailing you here.

If she''s so happy to go against your parents and marry this guy then why won''t she do this over the house? Or is there another reason why they can''t buy a house this year?

I totally don''t see why she can''t buy the house and do the wedding the same year? Or why she thinks she can have the WHOLE year.

I''m 35 this year and will be a week short of 36 when I get married in 2008 and I''m planning on have children in the 2-3 years after that! At 24, you have sooooooo much time to have years before kids.

I would be so angry if I were you. I suggest you use this board to practice saying NO!

Hey, next thing you know you''ll both be trying to get pregnant and she''ll be suggesting you need to wait so she can have the first kid!

 

[decodelighted]

Aw Man!! I can''t leave this alone!

a) her and her fiance want to buy a house together, and they can''t until they are married
why? who says? didn''t you & hockey guy buy something together before you were engaged?? maybe i''m wrong -- but this is a problem she''s making up herself

b) she wants to have children, and I''m unsure, so her getting married before hand would give her a few years with her man before they start trying for children.
the girl is 24??!!! this is ridiculous!! you have to wait another year to have your wedding so she can enjoy an EXTRA year w/o kids?? UNBELIEVABLE!!!

c) she thinks it would be too much for her to have a wedding and buy a house in the same year.
boo hoo

... most people would trade "problems" with her in a heartbeat. She''s so spoiled she doesn''t even know how RIDICULOUS this sounds to, uh, adults.

d) She doesn''t feel like I am wedding-crazed anyways, so it wouldn''t make a difference to me if I waited another year. well this "point" is entirely moot because - guess what - it DOES matter to you. Too bad she thinks it "shouldn''t" HA! The nerve!!

Honestly, I''d like to join Firegoddess in the line to smack her.

 

[TravelingGal]

**giving Deco and FG hockey sticks**

 

[HOUMedGal]

Agreed, agreed, agreed.

Just say NO!

You should not have to delay your own happy day just because of her "reasons" that aren''t even good reasons to begin with! I love TG''s post about why she should move her own wedding to ''07!!