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A Courting Story

I wanted him to know that I'm not mad about last night - men should not be pressured into sex, same as women - so I just sent him a sweet follow-up email. I said that there were no hard feelings on my part about last night and that no man had ever appreciated so tenderly the results of my hair tongs! And I said that I hoped we both find someone sexually compatible because we each deserve it.

The hair-stroking really was nice.
 
He's 14 years older than me, not 16. Just realized my error.
 
Got a very short reply from him saying "Thanks, J. It was fun. Good luck!"
 
I wrote him back saying that I wished he'd been upfront about wanting to play but not take the final step, because then I'd have known where I stood and it might have been OK, instead of having to figure it out gradually over three spaced-out dates. I ended by saying communication is everything.

And it's true - I feel he led me on, whether he meant to or not, and if I'd known the score, I'd have known exactly what was what. I would probably have enjoyed it for what it was, instead of getting disappointed. I had false expectations, due to his lack of communication, which led to me feeling foolish for wanting sex when he didn't.

I mean, no sex means no risk of disease or pregnancy, and there was a TON of beautiful kissing and stroking. But it was spoilt by lack of communication.

Communicate, communicate, communicate! I'm at age where I realize that life is short, thanks to some gene mutations that I have, and I don't see the point in not being upfront. We're not young. I even informed him last night that I'm on some medication that compromises my sexual function to some extent. I was upfront and said to him, "I could have faked it, but what's the point pretending?"

The biggest problem I run into with dating is men being stuck in an early-twenties timewarp when it comes to communication.
 
Big hugs to you, Jambalaya!

(((Jambalaya)))
Deb
 
Thanks, AGBF. It's OK, really, though. I'm proud of how I handled it. I stopped myself from pleasing him when I wasn't feel pleased, and I expressed myself in a calm and respectful manner, both in the moment and today via email. I feel that I have stated clearly to him what I expect in terms of clear, adult communication. I also feel that I expressed my confusion and hurt without apportioning blame.

And, the date also inspired me to refresh my hair color and buy a lovely new top, both of which I'm enjoying today!

The whole thing is such a pity, because it was basically ruined by a lack of communication. I do wonder whether he enjoyed leading me on, or whether he is simply a horrible communicator. Either way, if the parameters had been drawn early on, we probably would have been having a lovely NSA time with no worry of disease of pregnancy. His touch was VERY sensual - probably the most sensual I've had. What a waste. All for the lack of communication! Argh! Frustrating.

As I work through it in my head, I think what's the most off-color thing about it, for me, is being led on.
 
bludiva said:
I feel hesitant to comment on something so personal but I had to say....don't take it as something about you....I think women tend to do that and it's not fair to ourselves. It could be so many things. He could have an STI he's not ready to tell you about. He could have a ladyfriend he has been hiding who has a loose definition of not cheating. He could have had problems with his performance in the past. I mean so many many things that have nothing to do with you at all, don't make it mean something about you which it doesn't.
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100% this. When I read your post, I found myself wondering if he was having performance issues. Sometimes older men have difficulty maintaining enough of an erection for intercourse (especially when using a condom), but can maintain enough of one to be able to enjoy other things. If this is the case, he may have had previous partners express frustration about a stop/start experience - and he may be trying to avoid this by not wanting to go there at all. Or it may be any of the other things bludiva suggested. You may never know.

In any case, what you do know is what you need out of a relationship, and it is clear that this is not what he is able to give you. So citing sexual incompatibility and calling it a day seems wise (if the frank don't fit, you must quit!). But please don't make it about you. He clearly found you attractive or he wouldn't have sought you out. And I agree, being clear about what you want and what you are looking for early on is really best for everyone. It's too bad that more people can't be that way in their approach to these things.

The upside is that you seem to be having quite a lot of luck attracting people, so it only seems like it will be a matter of time before you find a good fit!
 
Thank you, cmd!

The sad part is that if he had he stated his boundaries early on, I'd have been OK with it. I'd have thought, "Hmm, no risk of pregnancy and disease, but lots of romantic stroking and kissing. That could work." And I think he knew that no intercourse is a hard boundary for him because he's been consistent about that across our dates.

(Remember that I'm just playing the field and don't want a real relationship right now. I have someone else on the go, too, and am on dating websites. So is Paddle Hands. Therefore the lack of intercourse with this one person didn't have to be a dealbreaker.)

But because he didn't communicate, I got thoroughly confused, my expectation of sex was alive and kicking, and now we're not speaking. It's such a pity because the way he stroked my hair and body was amazing. VERY romantic. The kind of hair-stroking that makes you go weak at the knees. And he's an amazing kisser, and sends me many romantic emails between meetings. And we got on very well the other night on a personal level, too. He's very gentle.

I kind of hope he will contact me again, now that I know where I stand. That was the problem - the not knowing where I stood.
 
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"If the frank don't fit, you must quit!" Hahahaaaaa!
 
Have you actually verified that this man is not married? Because big old red flags are going off for me over this "no penetration but I'll take a blowie" thing. Like maybe he draws the line of cheating at intercourse...

But what do I know, the last guy who didn't want to get it in with me was in college and while we did everything but penetration he turned out to be gay. I missed a ton of red flags--he took me to meet his parents after like our 2nd date, brought up in casual conversation that he thought his best girl friend was gay and what did I think of that, and was very enthusiastic about uh, backdoor stuff. Each of those things by themselves are not indicative of one's proclivities, but altogether looking at them in hindsight I should have been a little less clueless.
 
He's definitely not married - I have access to his Facebook and all his family stuff. He's twice divorced and with a grownup daughter, I know all about his parents and much about his extended family.

And anyway, plenty of married people who are cheating have intercourse, right?

His erections haven't been totally reliable, so perhaps it's about performance. And he's definitely not into the backdoor stuff, thank God.
 
Monarch, I'm sorry that guy wasted your time. Not cool to use you as a beard.
 
Jambalaya said:
Monarch, I'm sorry that guy wasted your time. Not cool to use you as a beard.
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When someone uses someone for cover deliberately, it is cruel and manipulatve. Some people are just confused about their sexuality and trying to make things work. They behave the way the guy Monnie dated because they don't know any better. I don't know which was the case with the guy Monnie dated.

I am sorry he wasted your time, too, Monnie.

I just wanted to shove my oar in to say that people exploring non-traditional (or even traditional sexuality if one considers the average teenager) go through some confusing things.

Deb :wavey:
 
In our second encounter, I remember him murmuring, "I'm afraid of coming too soon." So perhaps he has a problem with premature ejaculation.
 
Jambalaya said:
In our second encounter, I remember him murmuring, "I'm afraid of coming too soon." So perhaps he has a problem with premature ejaculation.
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@Jambalaya sounds like this might be a very possible reason. Whatever the reason is however it is all him and not you. In other words, please don't blame yourself (including appearance) in any way. This is completely him/his problem. Nothing to do with you.

You are smart, funny, kind and attractive. Your "perfect for you" guy is out there. As long as you are out there too you guys will find each other. Of the I am confident. (((Hugs))).
 
AGBF said:
I just read missy's posting above. She and I have different views on the symbolic tole of intercourse. I agree with her that a sexual relationship is going on with or without intercourse if two people are engaging in sexual acts. I just know that intercourse has a strong symbolic meaning in our culture. Look at all the rites surrounding virginity!

AGBF
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Yes I see what you mean Deb. A sexual relationship includes more than penetration but IMO oral sex is just as intimate as sexual intercourse and means as much to me as does sexual intercourse ie vaginal penetration. The symbolic meaning of intercourse (for me) is no more meaningful than oral sex though I am well aware many (most?) feel if one has oral sex that doesn't count in a way. A free pass for them I guess. No disrespect intended but for me, that would be hypocritical. However, having said that, I feel strongly that what works for one is AOK and doesn't have to work for another. Hope that makes sense.



Jambalaya said:
Missy - that's a lovely story about your DH!
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Thanks Jambalaya! I shared it to show that there could be a very good reason for taking things more slowly in a relationship though in your case I see now this does not apply.
 
I emailed him. I'd been thinking it over and decided that it's crazy to give up all the beautiful, romantic stroking and caressing and massage and other fun that we have for a narrow definition of sex. We'll see what he says.
 
Missy, thank you for your kind words above.
 
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