I'm a widow

[AGBF]

I asked for help today, multiple times, unabashedly. This is huge for me. I felt dizzy, I called my neighbor over. I wanted to spend time with out of town in laws, so I asked for a ride. I got sad on the way home, so I asked my DH's friends to come keep me company tonight. We had great conversations and they helped me get some clarity on stuff. The friends are cat people so my cats were out socializing, even the shyest ones. My Katigan who was absolutely daddy's girl couldn't take her eyes off of Matt. Matt is very similar to my DH. She was enamored with him, which made my heart swell.

I have realized that I know so little about you, PB. I know nothing about your history. For instance I had no idea that your father lost his mother to an accident at a young age. The facts of your life are all unknown to me. Yet I know a small amount about your character. And I know that you do not ask for help easily. I am so glad that you were able to do so. And I hope that over time it becomes easier for you to do, because over time support wanes and you may need to reach out for it more. Your friends and family will not love you less, but they may forget that you need something. You should know that they they will be happy to have have you ask for it!

Big hugs,
Deb

 

[luv2sparkle]

Asking for help is a pretty big deal in my book Pinto. I know I would have a hard time doing it as well. One step and one task at a time. Hugs.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Asking for help is a wonderful and important step PB.

 

[december-fire]

ou guys are really reigning me in gently and i marvel at your intuition. You saw that i was trying to rush rush rush and get "businesss" taken care of with a farty fogged up head as a way to mask or distract myself and my true feelings. Instead of you all gently guide me with informative links, words of support and by sharing lessons learned from your own personal experiences. What did I do to deserve all of you?!?!?!

There's something else I'd like to say. That none of us will think any less of you when you aren't always amazing. There will be times when you put down your load...stagger... fall apart.... Sadly, there are no good shortcuts through grief (or when folks try to abbreviate the process, that seems to turn around & eventually bite them on the butt), much we as wish there was a magic wand for it.

Pinto,

You're very perceptive to note that you were probably trying to distract yourself. Actions and decisions made after the passing of a loved one may seem 'odd' in hindsight. Speaking from experience, I went into 'business' mode following a couple of deaths, and pushed aside emotions while I 'took control' and tried to look after everyone else. However, the emotions have to surface. The process takes time, and is not a straight-line graph void of dips. You will get through it. Just try not to make rush or major decisions, talk with trusted friends or family members, come here to ask opinions or express emotions. There will be tough days amongst better days, and better days amongst tough days. Have faith that over you will get through this and thoughts of your wonderful husband will bring a smile rather than the current pain and grief.

MollyMalone is correct. Our support and love for you is constant. Don't feel as though you need to be strong and in control of your emotions; this isn't the time for that.

Sending you hugs, love and comforting prayers.

 

[ringbling17]

Hi PintoBean, I'm just seeing this now bc I haven't been on Hangout in a while. I am grieving with you in your loss and my prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family. Please take care of yourself. Hugs...

 

[LLJsmom]

Thinking about you PB. Take care of yourself today. (((Hug)))

 

[tweeter8177]

PintoBean - I am so sorry about the loss of your husband! I can't even imagine what you are going through, but I just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!!! Big hugs!!!

 

[PintoBean]

I'm so angry with my stomach. I wake up in the morning so queasy, so I try to snooze a little more hoping that it will pass. I snooze as long as the cats allow me to, and then I get up and make myself coffee, toast a croissant and feed the cats. I can't manage more than 2 sips of coffee and a few tiny bites of croissant. Eating makes me tired again, so here I am ready to nap again. How can I accomplish anything if I can't be good to go in the AM? Why is my stomach punishing me? I don't want to feel faint and shaky for half the day.

 

[AGBF]

Maybe you should try the Italian "eating in white", sweetheart. Lay off the coffee and eat white bread, potatoes, rice, plain pasta, bananas, crackers, and so forth. And try to keep food in your stomach. I cannot recall when you "eat in white" if yogurt and cottage cheese are supposed to be OK, but I ate yogurt when I was sick as a dog (as the first thing I ate) and it worked for me once. I don't know how I dealt with stomach problems before I married an into an Italian family!

Biggest hugs ever,
(((Pinto Bean)))
Deb

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It's a physical response to your grief. You are feeling your pain. So be gentle with all parts of you. Coffee is pretty harsh on the stomach. Try tea and bland foods. Ginger candies also help me. (((hugs)))

 

[lovedogs]

I'm so angry with my stomach. I wake up in the morning so queasy, so I try to snooze a little more hoping that it will pass. I snooze as long as the cats allow me to, and then I get up and make myself coffee, toast a croissant and feed the cats. I can't manage more than 2 sips of coffee and a few tiny bites of croissant. Eating makes me tired again, so here I am ready to nap again. How can I accomplish anything if I can't be good to go in the AM? Why is my stomach punishing me? I don't want to feel faint and shaky for half the day.

I know this feeling well. It's definitely related to grief (as far as my experience goes). I would try to avoid coffee--maybe switch to tea if you need caffeine, it should be easier to digest. And you aren't supposed to be accomplishing anything right now--no one expects you to or needs you to. It's understandable that eating makes you tired, that's how it works, unfortunately. I've found that the BRAT diet works well--bananas, rice, applesauce, toast. I dislike 2 out of those 4, so I stick with rice and toast and it usually helps. I also try ginger ale, 7-up, etc, since those tend to settle my stomach. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this, but SO PROUD of you for asking for help. It's a massive step, and incredibly hard.

 

[Slickk]

Grief is exhausting so allow your body to rest and eat as you need. I hope you continue to take care of yourself. The business can wait a little bit, I found much sympathy with people and business affairs during these difficult times. Hugs and warm wishes.

 

[MollyMalone]

Eggs are super easy to digest, aren't "heavy" & they give you protein. My favorite way to prepare them is scrambled in a Pyrex measuring cup in the microwave: they're fluffier that way than when made in a pan -- and the clean-up is a snap! If that seems like too much effort, ask someone to make you some egg, or tuna, salad (light on the mayo since fatty foods can be hard to digest) and/or plain ol' hardboiled eggs, if you like any of those, so you can just reach for that in the fridge.

A gentle reminder re keeping up your water intake: UTIs are miserable.

 

[canuk-gal]

Eggs are super easy to digest, aren't "heavy" & they give you protein. My favorite way to prepare them is scrambled in a Pyrex measuring cup in the microwave: they're fluffier that way than when made in a pan -- and the clean-up is a snap! If that seems like too much effort, ask someone to make you some egg, or tuna, salad (light on the mayo since fatty foods can be hard to digest) and/or plain ol' hardboiled eggs, if you like any of those, so you can just reach for that in the fridge.

A gentle reminder re keeping up your water intake: UTIs are miserable.

Good advice. Plus high natural carb juice--like apple juice or cranberry juice is great. You can dilute it with water if you don't care for it "straight". Gatorade for fluid and electrolytes. 10% greek yougert if you can tolerate those products.

healing vibes across the miles.

Sharon

 

[gemgirl]

Good advice. Plus high natural carb juice--like apple juice or cranberry juice is great. You can dilute it with water if you don't care for it "straight". Gatorade for fluid and electrolytes. 10% greek yougert if you can tolerate those products.

healing vibes across the miles.

Sharon

All good advice honey, and also switch your Zantac to Prevacid. I became "tolerant" of Zantac after taking it for a long time. My doctor suggested Prevacid and you can take two at a time very safely. I take two in the mornings.

 

[yennyfire]

Just sending hugs to you PB. I too, have a hard time accepting help, much less asking for it, so I can imagine how difficult that was for you. I'm so proud of you for asking for help! One thing I do know is that accepting help actually makes the helper feel good, that they are "doing" something, so really, you are helping them! Try to look at it that way. As for your stomach, I'd echo the suggestions given by everyone else. Small, frequent, bland foods and switch to tea if you need the caffeine...

 

[TooPatient]

PB, so glad you are asking for help. It isn't easy, but there are times in life where you need it.

A family member lost her husband just over a year ago. She shared with another woman recently some advice she wished she had -- there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Cry as much or as little as you need. Be sad, angry, relieved (they both lost after long degenerative diseases), or anything else you need. Anything you need is right because it is what YOU need.


As for your stomach, be kind to yourself. Your body is grieving in so many ways I am sure this is one of them. When I lost my grandmother, I could barely manage to eat. Everything left me sick. So I nibbled a little of whatever until I found what I could keep down. Each body is different. (Like I get sick if I eat wheat and things like rice make me throw up if I am upset).

 

[marcy]

PB, I am sorry to hear your stomach is rebelling. I also find those cups of instant mash potatoes work well for something bland to eat.
I echo what Yennyfire said about asking people to help you; they will be very happy to be able to help you. Just work on things when you get to them. You are in my thoughts; I am sending big hugs your way.

 

[azstonie]

Gotta love Tin Tin and darned if your auntie was fast enough to get that bill away from him!

PB, you're doing so well and I'd like to say you are so considerate in your posting, because your peeps here are checking the thread regularly to see how you are. Thank you for that.

I'm learning to 'surf' my feelings these days, which are 90% loss related. Shoot through the tube, out on the end and into the light and mist. There is always an opening to the light if you keep surfing.

 

[mary poppins]

Every once in a while on reddit I come across touching advice about grief by user GSnow. I saw it again today so I thought I would post it here for Pinto as well as others who have experienced death of people they have known and loved.

**

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

 

[PintoBean]

My husband's little cousins J and D are sleeping over tonight. It feels good to know there are other humans under this roof.

Because I'm feeling so full in my heart right now, or as good as I can given the circumstances, I had to share my FB status with you:

I know a lot of us felt like the world turned upside down after the elections bc of the candidate choices and the polarizing reactions. How everyone has rallied around me from far corners of the earth has renewed, no exceeded my hope for mankind. There IS so much goodness out there! Thank you for sharing it with me.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Another BIG HUG for you PB!.

 

[Calliecake]

Please remember there are many people who love. Love will help you get thru this. Kindness from others will help you get thru thus. We are all here for you and will continue to be here for no matter how you are feeling. Please don't be afraid to express how you are feeling.

You help people everyday with your humor. I can't count how many days you have had me LOL. Let us help you now. Hugs

 

[jordyonbass]

My husband's little cousins J and D are sleeping over tonight. It feels good to know there are other humans under this roof.

Because I'm feeling so full in my heart right now, or as good as I can given the circumstances, I had to share my FB status with you:

I know a lot of us felt like the world turned upside down after the elections bc of the candidate choices and the polarizing reactions. How everyone has rallied around me from far corners of the earth has renewed, no exceeded my hope for mankind. There IS so much goodness out there! Thank you for sharing it with me.

I've been laying low from this thread PB but that's only because I keep harassing you with FB private messages checking up on you, I figured seeing my ugly mug pop up once a day is probably more than enough for you

Big hugs!!

 

[PintoBean]

I'm smiling right now bc I hear snoring - different snoring of course, but that reminder of someone else being under the same roof is comforting.

 

[PintoBean]

I've been laying low from this thread PB but that's only because I keep harassing you with FB private messages checking up on you, I figured seeing my ugly mug pop up once a day is probably more than enough for you

Big hugs!!

You're gonna make @kenny jealous!

 

[jordyonbass]

You're gonna make @kenny jealous!

Pfft if he wants those messages as well then he can get Facebook

 

[Ally T]

Still thinking of you lots here in the U.K., darling Pinto. I have just been able to catch up on this thread, and your progress is fantastic & far more positive than I could ever have expected. Keep moving one foot slowly forward, beautiful x

 

[AprilBaby]

Oh pinto sweetheart! I've been out of the country without internet for three weeks and I'm just seeing this thread. I'm so so sorry about your husband. You guys were so sweet at the Chicago gtg. I so enjoyed meeting you! If you get to Chicago again let's all meet up for a big group hug and talk about it. Much love to you in the days ahead. It doesn't get easier, it gets different.

 

[junebug17]

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you PB and sending you hugs and comforting thoughts.