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I'm a widow

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,346
Pinto, what a wonderful person!

I'm so sorry to hear he lost his brother.

I think its good to let emotions out in a safe environment and, clearly, you feel safe with this person.

Sending comforting thoughts your way.
 

Bonfire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2014
Messages
2,828
Pinto,
I'm sorry I'm so late with my condolences! I'm heartened that you have found some measure of comfort from the wonderful PS community.
My heart goes out to you and my arms around you in a HUGE HUG!
 

yennyfire

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jun 6, 2010
Messages
6,384
How wonderful that your friend came to support you, though I'm sure he's sorry that you needed him to return the favor! I hope that you can surround yourself with friends when you want them and find quiet when you need to be alone...the only thing you have to do right now is take care of YOU!
 

lovedogs

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 31, 2014
Messages
9,365
awww PB I'm so happy that your friend was able to be there for you. Sorry it was under such sad circumstances, but critical to have friends to lean on. Made my heart happy to hear you have him there.
 

luv2sparkle

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
7,455
PB, I am so happy for you that your friend drove all those miles to comfort you. He is truly a heart friend. I am also grateful that some lovely PS'ers have been able to be with you as well. It sounds like you have a little bit of support. I love that you have been able to find your sense of humor amidst all of the grief. Still wish more of us could be with you. All the things in these next days will be hard, for sure, but I hope you can feel the love and prayer being sent your way. Please know you are thought of and cared for here. Hugs.
 

marcy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 27, 2007
Messages
22,991
PintoBean, I am so glad your friend came today; it sounds like he was a big comfort to you. You've been in my thoughts today. As so many have said I think it's nice your sense of humor gives you moments of relief. Take care of you and we are always here to listen and help.
 

gemgirl

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 8, 2003
Messages
5,562
@gemgirl spent the afternoon with me. She met a lot of people who are important to my husband and I. I swear I felt all of PS emanating through her. It was such an amazing thing for her to do this for me.
I'm sorry that I couldn't respond to this yesterday honey. I was proud that I didn't cry in front of you because you were being so strong, but when I read what you wrote last night the tears just started rolling out of my eyes.

I felt blessed in a way, when Yekutiel called me at home one day so long ago and said "Pinto Bean from Pricescope would like to get to know you. Can I connect you two"? He's always been such a kind gentleman to me, so I said sure! That was the start of a nice friendship that we've shared. I have found that my girlfriends have been a unique and understanding source of compassion and strength for me in my times of need. I just wanted to try to be that for you. It was indeed an honor to meet your very beautiful Mom (I like her a LOT), and to meet your family, your friends, M's twin (I didn't know he was a twin!), your former professor and her husband who just happened to be a gemologist (we talked diamonds of course) and others. I don't have family of my own anymore, so it was very nice and generous to feel included. Everyone was so warm to me.

I hope with all my heart that your heart will be able to heal in the days, weeks and months to come.
 

ILikeShiny

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 12, 2015
Messages
2,254
Oh Pinto, what a wonderful surprise for you! You obviously mean a lot to your former roommate and I nearly cried when I read that you were able to cry and cry and cry. That must have been so therapeutic! I'm glad you were surrounded by love and hugs today. I hope they brought you comfort.

In case no one has told you, expect it to get quite a bit harder over the next couple of weeks; I don't want you to be surprised if you feel more overwhelmed... it'll be completely normal. The commotion will have died down and it will be very quiet. That's when reality tends to really set in. You'll also have to start dealing with the dreaded necessities such as closing bank accounts, getting things straightened out with life insurance policies, etc. Please please come back here to vent, even if it's only "this really sucks" or "do I really have to do this?". We'll be here for you. And as always, if we can help with anything just let us know.

Sending lots of hugs to you, and hoping your kitties are giving you lots of cuddles!
 

Queenie60

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 15, 2014
Messages
3,731
Hugs Pinto. This was a tough day and I am so very glad that your male friend came to visit. Sometimes having a guy friend around can be refreshing! I'm glad that our two lovely PS friends were there for you as well. You will need much support in days ahead. God bless you Pinto Bean.
 

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,346
I'm sorry that I couldn't respond to this yesterday honey. I was proud that I didn't cry in front of you because you were being so strong, but when I read what you wrote last night the tears just started rolling out of my eyes.

I felt blessed in a way, when Yekutiel called me at home one day so long ago and said "Pinto Bean from Pricescope would like to get to know you. Can I connect you two"? He's always been such a kind gentleman to me, so I said sure! That was the start of a nice friendship that we've shared. I have found that my girlfriends have been a unique and understanding source of compassion and strength for me in my times of need. I just wanted to try to be that for you. It was indeed an honor to meet your very beautiful Mom (I like her a LOT), and to meet your family, your friends, M's twin (I didn't know he was a twin!), your former professor and her husband who just happened to be a gemologist (we talked diamonds of course) and others. I don't have family of my own anymore, so it was very nice and generous to feel included. Everyone was so warm to me.

I hope with all my heart that your heart will be able to heal in the days, weeks and months to come.
gemgirl, you're obviously a wonderful, caring individual.
Thank you for being there for our sweet Pinto.

Hugs
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,316
Since my working week routine was absolutely derailed, I did a double take when I realized that it is FRIDAY. Friday is pay day, so I usually pay 1/4 of each credit card (bc I'm weird and it's more than paid off usually by the due date). I also pay my husband's discover card from his bank accounts, and transfer money to certain accounts once they reach a certain dollar amount. Maintenance is due and my husband usually cuts that check. My husband's dead so wow... this is weird!

And what about his car? His cellphone which may be in the car still? Ugh.... from what I remember from my dad's collision, no one volunteered information to my mom. She had to call the police and hope that they'd point her to the next contact etc etc. I believe the car is impounded somewhere and there will be some fee to release it. Then there's the car insurance aspect of the incident. Can't wait to call my rep and be like hi, my husband's dead. What do I do now?

Then there's the mortgage and the deed to the house. I've decided that I will ask my realtor to help me work this out. Knowing her, She will double check with the mortgage lender rep (her friend) and her attorney friends.

Something funny. My wonderful carpenter came to the wake last night. He introduced me to his wife, and called to her "mami, mani!" That made me laugh and I said, "I always hear him on the cellphone going 'mami mami' so now I know YOU are 'mami mami'"!
 

Crazie4Cuts

Shiny_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 9, 2014
Messages
406
Thinking of you Pintobean and sending you warm thoughts and outstretched arms for all that you have been through. We are all thinking of you and lifting you up. Always the best for you and hoping the days ahead you will be able to find strength. Glad you were able to connect with your carpenter / contractor and met his wife! Many people care about you and your late hubby.
 

rainwood

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 29, 2005
Messages
1,461
PB, I'm so glad Gemgirl and your former roommate were there to support you. They are good people and good friends.

If your husband has a will, the transfer of ownership of the house to you will be handled through the probate process. As for the mortgage, you might want to have someone check the terms of the loan documents to see if it talks about what happens on the death of one of the borrowers. DON'T talk to the mortgage lender about your DH's death until this has been done. You don't want to trigger anything. I still haven't told the mortgage lender and it's been 2 1/2 years. I just keep making the payments. The deed, however, is now solely in my name as part of probate.

Generally speaking, you want to be careful which financial institutions you tell and when. Credit cards can be cancelled if you're not the primary cardholder (the one who made the application generally). Capitol One did that to me. Bank of America didn't fortunately or I'd have been left with no cards. And online bill pay and bank accounts can be their own minefields. If you want to know more specifics, let Missy know and we can communicate directly. I found out a LOT more about this stuff than I ever wanted to.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
26,634
PintoBean, so happy that your good friend and roommate from 15 years ago was able to be there and support you. As well as ac117 and gemgirl.:appl:

As others have mentioned the days to come will be challenging but with your loved ones support you will get through it and there will be a brighter tomorrow though when you are right in the middle of it all you may not feel that way. Know you will be OK. Keep on going and you will get through it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

Let me know if you want Rainwood's contact info. She would be such a helpful resource for you right now. Plus she is one of the most wonderful people ever IMO.

Sending you lots of love and hugs and good thoughts.
 
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lissyflo

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
633
I hope you were able to take comfort from the numbers of people who attended the services, to show their love and support for you and your husband.

As others have said, we're all here, in many different time zones, for whenever you need support.
 

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,346
Pinto, Sweetie, the paperwork and procedures can be overwhelming and difficult. Its an unfortunate reality that people have to go through this administrative maze when they've suffered a terrible loss.

Don't hesitate to ask for help; ask a family member or friend, and ask our wonderful Rainwood who has, unfortunately, gone through the devastating loss of a spouse, and has graciously offered her help.

You can ask someone to make calls for you to find out what's involved and what steps are required. You'll have to do certain things yourself, of course, but general procedural steps should be information that can be acquired by someone else. When you need to go in person to sign documents, I hope there is someone to take you and help keep you focused on things.

I'm not asking you to reveal personal information, but thought I'd mention that, in Canada and presumably in the US, some people have life insurance on their mortgages so that the mortgage is paid off upon the loss of one of the owners.

I'll repeat what others have said; you will get through this.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
You have a great deal of inner strength.
And you have us.

Hugs and love
 

Zlata

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2012
Messages
33
Pinto Bean, I am so deeply saddened by the loss of your dear husband. You will be in my thoughts.
 

MollyMalone

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 2, 2013
Messages
2,856
We know you were dreading the funeral home visitation hours & the service, so we are so very glad that you experienced an outpouring of communal support, caring concern, love and affection & there was also laughter amidst the tears... due in no small measure to you yourself. And what a wonderfully visible reminder of the wellspring you can draw upon in the times ahead.

Here's the introductory page to the NY court system's Small Estates program, which is a faster, less tedious, and less expensive process than the ordinary probate of estates. The $30,000 ceiling has unfortunately not been raised since 2009, but there are many things that don't count toward the $30,000 cap (e.g., jointly owned real estate, insurance policies with a specifically named beneficiary, value of vehicle up to $25,000), so perhaps you will be able to avail yourself of it.
https://www.nycourts.gov/courthelp/diy/smallEstate.shtml
 

Rosebloom

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2012
Messages
3,920
PB, just wanted to add my voice to the many PSers here that love reading what you have to say (you've made me snarf my drink on more than one occasion) and are heartbroken at this news. Sending lots of love and virtual chocolate croissants.
 

luv2sparkle

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
7,455
PintoBean, if I were you I would get a lawyer to handle the insurance company-or at least if you have a friend that is a lawyer so you get the maximum from the insurance company, and to find out if there was life insurance with your husbands company. I know some of our accounts with credit unions have an accidental death benefit. I wouldn't want to you to miss out on any funds coming to you. There may be time that you want to take off to just grieve and the extra funds will come in handy. Make sure you save the car until after the insurance is taken care of. The impound company will want you to sell it instead of paying the fees but very often in accident situations the car is needed to be seen until it is a completed payout. There will be a lot of legal changes you will need to make in the coming months and it would be so helpful to have a savvy friend or relative to help you. It may be hard for you to have to deal with it by yourself just now. Hugs and prayers.
 

AGBF

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 26, 2003
Messages
20,310
I believe that PB is, herself, a lawyer although I do not recommend that she handle the paperwork involved in her husband's estate.

Deb :wavey:
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,316
Deb - good memory! I have a law degree but am not a lawyer. My experience with law was limited to working in patent prosecution.

@rainwood reached out to me - yet another PS guardian angel.

You guys are really reigning me in gently and i marvel at your intuition. You saw that i was trying to rush rush rush and get "businesss" taken care of with a farty fogged up head as a way to mask or distract myself and my true feelings. Instead of :wall:you all gently guide me with informative links, words of support and by sharing lessons learned from your own personal experiences. What did I do to deserve all of you?!?!?!
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,316
My father had been out of town for business and arrived home late last night. Mom did not tell him till he rested up and was refreshed this morning. I understand that mom wanted dad to be safe at home with support before being told. But man, it totally escaped my brain till this AM that my DH's death would particularly hit him hard because my grandfather died from an accident when my grandmother was pregnant with my dad, making her also a young widow.

I asked for help today, multiple times, unabashedly. This is huge for me. I felt dizzy, I called my neighbor over. I wanted to spend time with out of town in laws, so I asked for a ride. I got sad on the way home, so I asked my DH's friends to come keep me company tonight. We had great conversations and they helped me get some clarity on stuff. The friends are cat people so my cats were out socializing, even the shyest ones. My Katigan who was absolutely daddy's girl couldn't take her eyes off of Matt. Matt is very similar to my DH. She was enamored with him, which made my heart swell.

I did find that one of the kitty's made poops on a bath rug. That's the only accident so far. These babies really are so strong.

A funny thing happened today. I left cash on the dining room table and as I walked away, aunt Anne busted Tin-Tin jumping on the table, picking up a $10 bill with her teeth and making a run for it. Aunt Anne snatched the bill back and told her "no you don't! That's not yours!" And tucked the money under a vase lololol! Aunt Anne is convinced that there is a pile of $10 bills stashed away somewhere in the house by Tin-Tin!
 

MollyMalone

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 2, 2013
Messages
2,856
And now I'm chuckling. A hunt for Tin-Tin treasure might indeed be rewarding! And kudos for stretching outside your usual comfort zone by asking for help.

There's something else I'd like to say. That none of us will think any less of you when you aren't always amazing. There will be times when you put down your load...stagger... fall apart.... Sadly, there are no good shortcuts through grief (or when folks try to abbreviate the process, that seems to turn around & eventually bite them on the butt), much we as wish there was a magic wand for it.
 

acebruin

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 21, 2008
Messages
649
PB, I just saw this. My deepest condolences. Sending some prayers your way. Hugs...
 
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