Addressed to women because we have our biological choices curtailed in a way that men don't:
I guess I'm thinking about this stuff because it's Valentine's Day, and I was thinking about my ex.
I don't have kids because my former marriage, and my ex-husband, was unstable. Lots of mood swings, bad temper, and walkings-out. I would have liked children if I'd been in a stable marriage, but I didn't want them at any cost. In the end, the decision was made for me because he walked out on me when I was 42 after a decade of marriage. He came back for quite while but I'd been so hurt that it was never the same, and after he left me, I'd already decided for good before he came back that I wasn't going to have kids with him. (It wasn't all as bad as I describe. There were good times too but my ex had some significant mental and emotional difficulties.) My cousin was very different - I've written about her here before. She said her whole life would be meaningless without kids, and she had them with a man who was horribly abusive, physically. Their kids are growing up seeing Mommy not allowed to have any dinner and called a rhymes-with-witch and all manner of things. But she wanted to have children whatever the cost, and I didn't feel that way.
I still wonder if I did the right thing. Kids of mine would have grown up in an unstable household with a ton of tension and would have absorbed some very unhealthy behaviors. Although he wasn't physically abusive, he was certainly emotionally abusive and pretty horrible sometimes, including ignoring me LOTS. It was something of a relief when he left me. I truly believe that he would have walked out on me and any kids if we'd had them - I know him and I'm sure that kids wouldn't have stopped him leaving.
However, if I'd had kids with him...I'd still have them now, but instead, I only have extended family and some lovely friends. It seems that everyone I know has kids, but in fact well over 20% of women my age don't have them.
So, to others who didn't have kids for whatever reason, do you regret it? Do you think you'll regret it in the future? Do you feel the odd one out sometimes? And how do you explain when people ask you about it? Just the other day, a co-worker asked if I was anti-kids. It's not as simple as saying "I never wanted them." I don't want to explain to people about my ex and his challenges. It really wasn't simple in my situation. I'm mostly happy with my decision - I think having kids with my ex would have been immeasurably hard and I just wasn't prepared to make on 90% of the responsibility. I also thought it was wrong to bring a child into a home which I knew was frequently unstable and unhappy. But sometimes I wonder, you know? Maybe I should have just gone for it, like other people do.
The research is confusing, but it basically says that parents are less happy day-to-day but feel a deeper sense of reward overall than people who don't have kids.
I know for some people, it's simple - they didn't want them. But for people who weren't sure and ultimately opted out, or who were stymied by circumstance, how did you resolve this issue in your life?
Sometimes it's hard to be a woman who doesn't have kids.
Thanks!
J.
I guess I'm thinking about this stuff because it's Valentine's Day, and I was thinking about my ex.
I don't have kids because my former marriage, and my ex-husband, was unstable. Lots of mood swings, bad temper, and walkings-out. I would have liked children if I'd been in a stable marriage, but I didn't want them at any cost. In the end, the decision was made for me because he walked out on me when I was 42 after a decade of marriage. He came back for quite while but I'd been so hurt that it was never the same, and after he left me, I'd already decided for good before he came back that I wasn't going to have kids with him. (It wasn't all as bad as I describe. There were good times too but my ex had some significant mental and emotional difficulties.) My cousin was very different - I've written about her here before. She said her whole life would be meaningless without kids, and she had them with a man who was horribly abusive, physically. Their kids are growing up seeing Mommy not allowed to have any dinner and called a rhymes-with-witch and all manner of things. But she wanted to have children whatever the cost, and I didn't feel that way.
I still wonder if I did the right thing. Kids of mine would have grown up in an unstable household with a ton of tension and would have absorbed some very unhealthy behaviors. Although he wasn't physically abusive, he was certainly emotionally abusive and pretty horrible sometimes, including ignoring me LOTS. It was something of a relief when he left me. I truly believe that he would have walked out on me and any kids if we'd had them - I know him and I'm sure that kids wouldn't have stopped him leaving.
However, if I'd had kids with him...I'd still have them now, but instead, I only have extended family and some lovely friends. It seems that everyone I know has kids, but in fact well over 20% of women my age don't have them.
So, to others who didn't have kids for whatever reason, do you regret it? Do you think you'll regret it in the future? Do you feel the odd one out sometimes? And how do you explain when people ask you about it? Just the other day, a co-worker asked if I was anti-kids. It's not as simple as saying "I never wanted them." I don't want to explain to people about my ex and his challenges. It really wasn't simple in my situation. I'm mostly happy with my decision - I think having kids with my ex would have been immeasurably hard and I just wasn't prepared to make on 90% of the responsibility. I also thought it was wrong to bring a child into a home which I knew was frequently unstable and unhappy. But sometimes I wonder, you know? Maybe I should have just gone for it, like other people do.
The research is confusing, but it basically says that parents are less happy day-to-day but feel a deeper sense of reward overall than people who don't have kids.
I know for some people, it's simple - they didn't want them. But for people who weren't sure and ultimately opted out, or who were stymied by circumstance, how did you resolve this issue in your life?
Sometimes it's hard to be a woman who doesn't have kids.
Thanks!
J.
Dogs and cats don't count as kids... 
I said I only like kids because they belong to someone else. 
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