kids related topic...any regrets of

[junebug17]

No, no regrets - had my kids at almost 29 and 32 and that worked out well, had a chance to enjoy my 20's and felt ready and prepared for kids. And stopping at 2, a girl and a boy, was a good decision for me too - I think a third would have been a little more than I could have handled! And no regrets about having kids - I've enjoyed being a mom all these years, and yes there has been stress and worry at times (and will continue to be I'm sure) but my life has been enriched because of my children and I can't imagine life without them.

 

[zoebartlett]

Alj, I know that a few moms left here to post on another site, but I didn't know it was exclusive club. That's too bad. It hurts when it happens, doesn't it? I've been told,"Oh you wouldn't understand, you're not a mom." as if all conversation with me had to come to an end because I don't have children of my own. I can still listen, support, and sympathize. I can still be a good friend.

It reminds me of the threads and posts I've read in here in F&H where posters have told others, "Until you have kids of your own, you couldn't possibly know what it's like," which I always think is code for "don't bother giving me your opinion. You're not one of us." Okay, it's true that I don't have children, therefore I don't know the ins and outs of parenting and child-rearing. But I do have thoughts and opinions that may help. I've resorted to reading those threads without posting because I'm not sure my ideas would be welcome.

Now that I think I've derailed the thread, I'll move along.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Zoe, just so you know, the war doesn't stop after the kids-no kids battle. It has to move, of course, to parents with multiple kids dismissing those who have one kid or first time moms, etc. I'm sorry that parents have been exclusionary

I don't really have any regrets with my kids. I feel like I have the best of both worlds- one adopted child and one by birth. I do wish that I had had them earlier (had just turned 32 and 34- DH is exactly 2 years older than I am), but I know there are tradeoffs, namely that had we had them younger, we wouldn't have had the same income level we do now. My husband came into marriage with a fair amt of consumer debt and we worked hard to pay it all off before having kids and buying a house. Who knows if we would've been able to afford our adoption any earlier, and if things had been different, we certainly wouldn't have our adorable little girl.

I wish that we didn't have such a long commute or live in such a high pressure area, but oh well.

 

[packrat]

No regrets, like I don't look at my kids and think dangit I wish I'd never had you. I wish we'd done things differently. I wish I'd spent more time after having Trapper and not let work stress me out so badly, hounding me to come back, and taken longer than 3 weeks to sit and enjoy him. I wish I'd had more help, so that I *could* sit and enjoy them.

We don't have a support system so that we can do husband/wife time. We'd have to hire a babysitter, and especially when the kids were littler, both of us were/are not inclined to have people we don't know watch the kids, and we had less money then, so couldn't afford it. My grandparents were in not the best health, and my parents are very um..vocal, shall I say, about how it was when my brother and I were little, and it gets to be a hassle to listen to a 20 minute diatribe when dropping the kids off about how "When you kids were little, I didn't GET to go to movies w/your dad, you were about SEVEN before *I* got to go anywhere w/your dad, b/c I *always* had you kids w/me." And I think well...hmm..if that sucked then, wouldn't you want to help out your *own* kids, so *they* didn't have to experience it? And so I don't have to tell they kids, Yay, you guys get to spend the night at Grampa and Gramma's tonight! (btw, they've not spent the night w/my parents now since April 2011, my parents live 10 miles away) and then when we drop them off, my mom says "Oh, well, your dad wants to go to the casino in the morning now so you'll have to pick the kids up by 6 am" So then we say ehhhh feck it, instead of having time to ourselves until tomorrow afternoon, I guess we'll go eat quick and come back and get them..yeah, that's how "our" time goes. And a lot of times dad will "time" us.."well it takes an hour to get to the City, an hour back, you'll eat, that'll take about an hour, how many stores are you going to?" So, we've learned that any "couple" time needs to be rolled into "general" time, such as when we need to get a bunch of stuff at Menards and it won't all fit in the truck w/both kids in there also.

He gets a lot of time for himself..but the reverse is not true for me. And it's about to get worse b/c I will be going back to work full time now that our youngest will be starting Kindergarten.

As far as not having friends who don't have kids, or not wanting to have them around anymore, or allowed to contribute b/c they don't have kids..I don't get that. If having kids of your own is a requirement of friendship, then probably they're just not "friends" in the first place.

 

[jacy]

My only regret is that my DH and I waited until our mid-thirties to start our family. We have been blessed with two boys who are now going through the wonderful teenage years. For the most part they are good kids, good students, but I'm feeling worn out at times trying to keep up with their active social lives and staying on top of everything. I've been getting less sleep and doing more worrying lately! When it comes to having kids, it's very important for a couple to be on the same page with how you raise them.

 

[Laila619]

Zoe, just so you know, the war doesn't stop after the kids-no kids battle. It has to move, of course, to parents with multiple kids dismissing those who have one kid or first time moms, etc. I'm sorry that parents have been exclusionary

Very true.

And it's not even just a kids thing. It happens with friends who are married vs friends who are still single. I'm sure we've all had the friend who was like, "I'm *married* now, I couldn't possibly do XYZ, you just wouldn't understand." People generally like to spend time with others who are in the same life stage as they are.

 

[anitabee]

have two kids: an almost-7-year-old girl and a boy, 4. i was 34.5 and 37 when we had them.

nope, no regrets about anything. being a little older when having kids worked perfectly for us! both hubby & i were in rock bands back in the 90s and early 00s. i also managed to squeeze in over 10 years of university before kids. got most of my yin-yings out of my system prior to kids. by the time i gave birth for the first time, i was totally set up in a good job.

i know that i never would have had those opportunities if i had had kids in my 20s.

there are times when my kids drive me completely bonkers and i look at kid-less folks and think, "ahhh, that must be the life." but really, especially as they're getting older and more independent, they're hilarious and sweet and i wouldn't have it any other way. another plus: if you're a child at heart (which i am!) you get to re-experience all those fun kid things like amusement parks, water slides, chuck e. cheese's, spongebob, etc.

the grass is always greener on the other side.

 

[ksinger]

Alj, I know that a few moms left here to post on another site, but I didn't know it was exclusive club. That's too bad. It hurts when it happens, doesn't it? I've been told,"Oh you wouldn't understand, you're not a mom." as if all conversation with me had to come to an end because I don't have children of my own. I can still listen, support, and sympathize. I can still be a good friend.

It reminds me of the threads and posts I've read in here in F&H where posters have told others, "Until you have kids of your own, you couldn't possibly know what it's like," which I always think is code for "don't bother giving me your opinion. You're not one of us." Okay, it's true that I don't have children, therefore I don't know the ins and outs of parenting and child-rearing. But I do have thoughts and opinions that may help. I've resorted to reading those threads without posting because I'm not sure my ideas would be welcome.

Now that I think I've derailed the thread, I'll move along.

"Until you have kids of your own, you couldn't possibly know what it's like,"

Zoe, I know you're a teacher, and equally sure you've dealt with your share of clueless and overmatched parents - you know, the ones to whom the gods did NOT vouchsafe the Great Cosmic Allknowing of Childrearing to at the instant of birth, so do what my husband does when he gets comments like that (not so often these days but still), raise an eyebrow and say, "Oh but I DO, remember, I don't just dabble, I'm a professional."


ETA - For the record, he does NOT say this to parents. Please don't think he does. That is said outside of the school context to other people who comment. The parents reference was to the fact that teachers probably better than anyone, know that 1)having a child confers no special knowledge, and 2)have dealt with more types of children than just about any other individuals. They're not exactly clueless as to what makes kids tick, even if they don't have one at home.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks LoganSapphire, Laila, and Ksinger! I just reread my post and I sounded very whiny and maybe even a bit b!tchy.

Ksinger, Great Cosmic All-knowing of Childrearing..I like it!