kids related topic...any regrets of

[Dancing Fire]

having kids too early?
having kids too old?
no kids,too late now, but wish you did b/c you wanted to be a grandparent in the future.

 

[missy]

No regrets at all. We have our nieces and nephew and it's the best of both worlds for us. We spent this morning cycling 60 miles by the ocean and just came in from kayaking in our backyard. A great day so far. This lifestyle of having no children suits us perfectly. Sure it's selfish but not everyone is meant to have kids. And that's OK. Different strokes for different folks. And I doubt we will ever regret it later on because as I said we have our darling nieces and nephew and we love them like crazy. We get all the good with none of the bad. From our perspective that is.

 

[Begonia]

Bit too late for having them (32 and 36).

Gave up too much of myself in the process, but the kids are really grounded and balanced. Trick would be to have a happy medium where Mum was balanced too. Not that I'm off-balance somehow

You know what I mean.

Oh, and a really big regret? Putting them in French Immersion.

 

[MissGotRocks]

My two children are grown now and they are still the best thing I ever did in my opinion! They are both through college and married now. Luckily, they chose mates that fit right into the family. I love watching their lives unfold and being able to share it with them. I have been a grandmother for three weeks now and that just extends the love and excitement.

Absolutely no regrets - I know I am blessed!

 

[radiantquest]

I am very interested in what the answers will be because I'm debating having babes.

I'm 30, DH is 36. I don't think I am too old, but DH is dangerously close to too old.

I never wanted them before, but suddenly (I'm guessing hormones) I want some. I don't want to regret not having them, I don't want struggle financially to give them everything I want for them...

Hopefully this thread can help me decide.

 

[violetskies]

I am nearly 26 and my DH is 30. Our first surprise baby is now 18 months old so we are very new parents.

You can't imagine how your life changes when you have a baby. You think you know, but you don't. There's this constant, often overwhelming sense of worry, love and responsibility. Ever since I got pregnant I've been worried about something, & now she can walk and talk there are more worries, not less! I used to be a very laid back person so worrying doesn't come naturally to me. I find it hard with all the decisions I have to make - discipline, vaccination schedules, to co-sleep or not, to breastfeed or not, etc - decisions that can affect her for the rest of her life. It's scary and there are no "right" answers which really means anything you choose to do could end up being wrong!

Then there is how your relationship with your DH changes - and it does change. It is hard to find time fore each other, hard to feel like a sexy woman and not just a tired flabby mother lol. The first year has been hell on us. You have so little sleep (our baby has NOT been a good sleeper) and your nerves are on edge and you just argue and argue and argue. You are annoyed at all the havok the baby causes but can't be cross at the gorgeous little thing, so you hate on each other instead. It gets tons better once they start sleeping through the night and stuff, but the first year is horrible, amazing, but horrible. I find I am less tolerant of his flaws now too - they're not just something annoying, they're bad habits the baby could pick up, so I nag him more, and him me. Sex life is slowly getting close to normal but it's been a hard journey.

Also, your body is never the same again, even if you lose the baby weight.

Oddly the money aspect hasn't really bothered us yet. She's been young enough to not need much and with some sensible choices (breastfeeding = free, cloth diapers = CHEAP and oh so amazing, 2nd hand baby clothes = cheap) we have coasted by on not much money. I don't doubt when she gets older this will change, especially with regards to good schools etc, but I'll worry about that when we get there.

All in all I never regret having her, because she is amazing, the very best part of my life. I would do it all over again a thousand times over. I dont think you would ever regret having children. Men don't really get too old to have kids, I think the oldest was 93 or thereabouts! So really you have a good few years of single life left to enjoy if that's what you want to do.

Sorry for the essay! Don't get out much these days lol

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I had my only child when I was 33. About two years later I had a major Bi-polar attack--I hadn't been diagnosed before and we had no idea what was going on. It took a while to figure things out. As a result, I didn't have any more children as I really thought, for a while, I was totally out of my mind. Then I slid into a horrendous depression that took several years and a massive amount of drug therapy to fix.

My father was bi- polar and my dr. thinks that the hormonal swings plus the pressures of being a new parent set off my first episode. By the time I found myself "righted" it was really too late, for me, to have another. And that is the biggest regret of my life. My son was such a great kid, so mellow, such an "old soul" {unless he was on the ice playing hockey--then LOOK OUT } I still wish to this day I had another child to mother.

 

[kenny]

No kids.
No regrets.

 

[Haven]

I'm five months pregnant with our first child.
I'll be 32, DH is and will still be 42, when the baby is born.
So far, no regrets. But I'll check back in December.

As for timing, we just aren't the sort to do things for any reason other than because it is the right decision for us at the time. I can't imagine having had a child earlier just because of our age, that seems like the worst reason to have a child. We're ready now, so we're starting now.

 

[jaysonsmom]

We were 29 and 30 when we had our first, and your second came 2 years later. No regrets at all. My brother and SIL were on the fence about having kids, and they just had their first at 38 (my bro) and his wife (35). My husband's sister had her first at 36 and second at 38. Both couples could not be happier with their decision because they got the best of both worlds. They enjoyed their 20's and early 30's getting their careers to where they wanted to be, and had the leisure to travel freely. Now they are closing in on their 40's they've been there and done most of what they wanted to do, and are enjoying their bundles of joy!

 

[Dancing Fire]

My two children are grown now and they are still the best thing I ever did in my opinion! They are both through college and married now. Luckily, they chose mates that fit right into the family. I love watching their lives unfold and being able to share it with them. I have been a grandmother for three weeks now and that just extends the love and excitement.

Absolutely no regrets - I know I am blessed!

MGR..
congrats for being a new grandma..

 

[charleston1]

No regrets at all. 30 for first baby, 34 for second. Big decision was whether or not to have a second baby. First baby was demanding as hell, maternity leave was very short and i commuted a along way to work.

In the end, I am really glad I had the second baby because I ended up with a boy and a girl and it is so interesting to raise both boys and girls. They always got along very well and still do, they always defended each other when the other was in big trouble. Also, if i only had one child, I think I would have made his life miserable by hyper focusing on him and hovering too much.

 

[Haven]

My two children are grown now and they are still the best thing I ever did in my opinion! They are both through college and married now. Luckily, they chose mates that fit right into the family. I love watching their lives unfold and being able to share it with them. I have been a grandmother for three weeks now and that just extends the love and excitement.

Absolutely no regrets - I know I am blessed!

Congrats, MGR!

 

[justginger]

RQ, we are in the exact same situation, only DH and I are 2 years behind you. We always thought we didn't want children, too self-invested in our own lives I suppose, but the last few months it has really been playing on my mind. My BFF who is so very much like me in every way has given birth to the most gorgeous and GOOD baby so that has certainly added into our thoughts. Being big travelers, we need to decide NOW so we can have 2 more years of big, inappropriate for children holidays before actually trying!

 

[MissGotRocks]

My two children are grown now and they are still the best thing I ever did in my opinion! They are both through college and married now. Luckily, they chose mates that fit right into the family. I love watching their lives unfold and being able to share it with them. I have been a grandmother for three weeks now and that just extends the love and excitement.

Absolutely no regrets - I know I am blessed!

Congrats, MGR!

Thanks Haven - I just can't get enough of this little girl! She is such a precious gift to us all and we are loving every minute of it!

 

[MissGotRocks]

My two children are grown now and they are still the best thing I ever did in my opinion! They are both through college and married now. Luckily, they chose mates that fit right into the family. I love watching their lives unfold and being able to share it with them. I have been a grandmother for three weeks now and that just extends the love and excitement.

Absolutely no regrets - I know I am blessed!

MGR..
congrats for being a new grandma..

Thanks DF - my fondest wish for you is that this happens in your world sooner than later. I got so tired of people telling me how much I was gonna love it. I did look forward to it and had had two babies of my own and I love babies but . . . when I walked in and saw her I felt like I'd been hit by a sledgehammer - such an overwhelming feeling of love and continuity of my family. Hate to be one of those people that plucked my nerves but you're gonna love it!!

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm almost 39 and my husband is 40. I think we're kind of late bloomers, and we weren't really ever ready. Now I feel like it's a little too late. Every once in a while I wonder what we're missing out on, but overall, we're happy with our life the way it is. Because of my job, I'm around little kids all day long, and I love it. I like the craziness and the busy pace of life at school, and I also like the peace and quiet at home. It's a nice balance.

There are a couple of things that bother me about this subject:

1. My mom has made comments in the past that let me know she's sad she's not a grandma. I feel guilty about that but that's not a reason to have kids. Obviously, she knows this, but I do think she's sad when she hears her friends talk about their grand kids.

2. Some friends have stepped away from our friendship and are now just acquaintances. Having kids changes your life and I totally understand that. I'm assuming these friends simply just didn't feel we can relate to one another anymore, but it makes me sad to think about.

 

[Dancing Fire]

We were 29 and 30 when we had our first, and your second came 2 years later. No regrets at all. My brother and SIL were on the fence about having kids, and they just had their first at 38 (my bro) and his wife (35). My husband's sister had her first at 36 and second at 38. Both couples could not be happier with their decision because they got the best of both worlds. They enjoyed their 20's and early 30's getting their careers to where they wanted to be, and had the leisure to travel freely. Now they are closing in on their 40's they've been there and done most of what they wanted to do, and are enjoying their bundles of joy!

a few of my friends did have a lot fun into their late 30's,mid 40's,but now regret that they waited too long to become a parent. one of my friend said...don't know if i will live long enough to see my daughter graduated from HS.

 

[Haven]

I'm almost 39 and my husband is 40. I think we're kind of late bloomers, and we weren't really ever ready. Now I feel like it's a little too late. Every once in a while I wonder what we're missing out on, but overall, we're happy with our life the way it is. Because of my job, I'm around little kids all day long, and I love it. I like the craziness and the busy pace of life at school, and I also like the peace and quiet at home. It's a nice balance.

There are a couple of things that bother me about this subject:

1. My mom has made comments in the past that let me know she's sad she's not a grandma. I feel guilty about that but that's not a reason to have kids. Obviously, she knows this, but I do think she's sad when she hears her friends talk about their grand kids.

2. Some friends have stepped away from our friendship and are now just acquaintances. Having kids changes your life and I totally understand that. I'm assuming these friends simply just didn't feel we can relate to one another anymore, but it makes me sad to think about.

Zoe--This happened to us, as well. Most of my husband's good friends just started having babies the last three or four years, they're all in their early 40s, and all of a sudden they were having little gatherings in their homes and not inviting us, but inviting everyone else. One friend in particular was really obvious about this, in fact we've never even seen his home that he and his wife built two years ago. (DH was in his wedding, he was in ours, they were really close.) When DH told him I'm pregnant he actually said, "That's wonderful! We'll have to have you guys over to the house now." I was really miffed by that, as if now we're in the club or something since we're expecting. Blech.

 

[Kaleigh]

No regrets. Had DD at 26, DS at 28. Yes we were young, but more mature than most. Life experiences and all. They are very successful and happy. We are very blessed. We are 50, 51, so will be young grandparents if blessed with them...

 

[radiantquest]

I know there are very few people who would say they wish they hadn't had their kids because it seems like an awful thing to say, but I know they are out there. It seems that you can regret having kids, but still be a great parent because that is what you signed up for.

I knew a woman once that said her kids ruined her life. She explained that she knew how horrible it sounded, but that it was true. She said that she can no longer be her, she is now only someones mom. She said that she cant wait for her kids to grow up and get on with their own lives so she can live again. She loves her kids very much, but shes honest.

My bff has two kids, she had them early and loves her kids to pieces. She reminds me so much of a mama lion. She said that she will do whatever she can to deter her kids from having kids of their own cause its not worth it!

 

[nomissjane]

I've just turned 40 a week ago and am currently expecting our second child in October, we already have a two year old. My hubby will be 51 when this little one is born.
Had I met my prince charming in my 20's or earlier in my 30's it would have been lovely to have started our family sooner, but I didn't and so I can't/don't really have any regrets about the timing of things.

I got married at 34 about ten months after I met my wonderful husband and we started trying for a family about a year later. Unfortunately for us starting our family wasn't as easy as we'd hoped and so after many years and rounds of IVF we are happily now expecting our second miracle.

I wish I was younger so I could possibly know my children for longer, I'd have loved to have been a younger grandma although I hope I get to be a grandma period and I still think that I would ideally have loved to have three children, but that probably isn't very likely now....but overall I'm just so gratefull that I'm a mum at all and have the opportunity to know and nurture my precious, shiny children.

I guess the flip side of all of this is that my husband and I have travelled extensively both together and independently, we are very financially secure and no longer need to work the long intense hours that we did when we were younger and I have the privilege of being able to be a stay at home mum while our children are little.
I do also think that we are more patient parents than we may have been ten years ago.

I said in another thread not long ago that I truly believe that for a lot of us 40 is the new 30 and that's just how I feel 90% of the time....I just wish my ovaries felt that way too.

 

[Laila619]

I wish I would have had kids at a younger age, but what can you do? I didn't meet DH until I was a little older, so it was out of my control. I have an 18 month old, and I'm six months pregnant with baby # 2. I would like to have a third, but I feel like I'll be too old by then, so I think we're sticking with two kids. If DH and I were three or four years younger, it might be a different story. I love my little boy sooo much that right after he was born I knew that I would want another!

 

[Astra]

I'm 28 years old and don't have any "need" for children, I do have a few friends who regret having children...

 

[missy]

I'm 28 years old and don't have any "need" for children, I do have a few friends who regret having children...

I do too but I guess it is inevitable. Life is full of choices and with each choice comes the good and the bad. Ultimately it comes down to what is the best choice for each couple. There is a huge societal pressure to have children. When my dh and I made the decision we did get resistance from some of our friends. It's amazing how strongly some feel about this topic for others. I mean it's none of their business but on and on they went about what a huge mistake etc. My dh was funny and he said that misery loves company and that is why they wouldn't stop preaching to us. Also, he said our decision shook their very foundation- why did we decide no kids, did they make a terrible mistake? Etc. We went against the norms and some people react violently to that.

Some of my friends who have children also have to delay (if not totally forget about) their retirement quite a bit. College costs have gone through the roof and sure you do not have to pay for their college but we strongly feel if we had children we would want to give them the best head start in life and that includes paying for their education. No right or wrong here it just comes down to personal decision. But I will say (not including college/graduate school) too many people (though not any PSers for sure LOL) keep having kids they cannot afford and who pays the price on that one? Their kids and society in general but I digress.

Having kids is the greatest joy in life for many as well as possibly the greatest difficulty for some. It's the hardest thing you will ever do with the possible outcome of the greatest love, joy you will ever feel. As well as the greatest tragedy/hardship some might ever experience. So while it is the best decision for the majority it is not the best decision for all.

 

[Amys Bling]

I'm almost 39 and my husband is 40. I think we're kind of late bloomers, and we weren't really ever ready. Now I feel like it's a little too late. Every once in a while I wonder what we're missing out on, but overall, we're happy with our life the way it is. Because of my job, I'm around little kids all day long, and I love it. I like the craziness and the busy pace of life at school, and I also like the peace and quiet at home. It's a nice balance.

There are a couple of things that bother me about this subject:

1. My mom has made comments in the past that let me know she's sad she's not a grandma. I feel guilty about that but that's not a reason to have kids. Obviously, she knows this, but I do think she's sad when she hears her friends talk about their grand kids.

2. Some friends have stepped away from our friendship and are now just acquaintances. Having kids changes your life and I totally understand that. I'm assuming these friends simply just didn't feel we can relate to one another anymore, but it makes me sad to think about.

Those are my two concerns with not having kids.... My parents and in- laws would love grand children and our entire social group plans in it and I have heard that not having kids can really change your relationship with friends who do....

But you should have kids because YOU want them.... And I say that to people who ask when we are going to start a family. When we want one we will....

 

[zoebartlett]

Haven and Amy, yeah, the friend thing bothers me. Like I said, I understand that family comes first and having kids changes one's life. That's how it should be. It just hurts a bit when people you've hung out with and considered your friends become casual acquaintances. It's something I take personally, and probably more so than needed. Gosh, that sounded whiny. Sorry.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Having kids is one of those things that you can't appreciate until you have them. You can't possibly miss what you don't have. I appreciate people's reasons for not having them. It is a huge, long undertaking and the end results are guaranteed to no one. They can be the biggest joy or the biggest disappointments in your life. I know people that feel both ways.

However, I will say this having lived a fair number of years and having had children. There is no pet or niece or nephew or friend's child that will ever come close to having your own children. They are light years apart. Enjoying other people's children is fine for those that choose to do it and I would never encourage anyone to have children if they truly thought it wasn't for them. I'm not on the 'everyone should have children' bandwagon. I've experienced pets that I would give my life for and nieces and nephews galore. It is simply not the same.

My mother and I talked about this early on. I had a family member that lived the beautiful, glamorous life. She and hubby were beautiful people. Traveled and had the best of everything - truly a charmed life. However, my mother told me that their youth wouldn't last forever and neither would their looks. She told me that all the things that were important to them then and looked so appealing from the outside looking in wouldn't continue to be that important as they got older. At the time, it was a concept that I would have to take her word for because I didn't relate. I was young and had dreams and a 100 years to live - or so I thought. Fast forward to today and I truly now understand what she was saying. The houses and cars and vacations and careers and THINGS are not as important to me anymore. It is the people in my life that are the true joys and that certainly includes my children and grandchild. I could not have imagined feeling quite this way 30 years ago but my sage mother was correct. The fluff in life falls away and what you are left with is what has to be the most important to you.

Not a sermon but food for thought. The decision to have or not have children is an unforgiving one at some point in life. It's reversible up to a point but age eventually takes the decision out of your hands. That age seems to ever increase today however with technology and medical advances. Consider the older people that you know and think about what's important in their lives and what truly makes them happy. Chances are it is their families. Just something to consider as you ponder what's right for you. There truly is no right or wrong answer - just what is right for you. I have not enouraged or discouraged my own children to have children. It is an individual choice and one that I didn't want to take responsibility for. The grandchildren will be here long after I'm dead and they will be the ones with the responsibility - not me. I felt it would be unfair for me to try and influence them one way or another. My son and his wife just had a daughter and I feel certain that daughter and her hubby will decide to have children. Deep down I am excited for them to have this new experience as it can make life richer IMO but I would have accepted their choice not to have chldren as well.

 

[Mikla]

Wow, tough topic! I have one daughter and got divorced when she was 18 months. Being a single mom is the hardest thing you will ever do. Your career suffers because you can't work the long hours other people can and do to get ahead. Your love life suffers because who wants to date a woman who already has a child. You have no free time and lose complete control over your life. It was miserable for me and I also feel guilty because I didn't get to spend enough quality time with her while she was growing up. And I would be much further ahead financially had I not had my daughter. But life is funny like that, even with all of the negative things I just said, I couldn't love my daughter more or appreciate her more because it was so difficult. It was me and her against the world. Now we are really, really close. I remarried to a man who has four boys, so now we are a big family.

Long story short, I don't think you'll regret having children. But go into it with your eyes open. It is hard work. Your life will change forever. It will cause you stress. You will never be the same but in very good ways also. You have to decide what kind of life you want.

 

[Laila619]

Long story short, I don't think you'll regret having children. But go into it with your eyes open. It is hard work. Your life will change forever. It will cause you stress. You will never be the same but in very good ways also. You have to decide what kind of life you want.

I agree. I think some people might regret some of the *changes* they had to make when child(ren) came along (who can blame them?!), but actually regretting having the child? I would bet it's very, very rare. I know a lot of people who were undecided about the whole thing, but as soon as he/she was born, they loved and adored that baby beyond anything. Sure, there is a lot of crap that comes along with parenthood, but also a TON of joy, love, pride, and fun memories!

Mikla, I'm glad you are remarried to a wonderful new guy!