Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regrets?

[cmd2014]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I can look this issue from both sides, as I waited until I was 40 until I decided to try and get pregnant. In my 30s I was enjoying life, and didn't really want to have kids. My husband and I travelled extensively, and were happy with just the two of us. We talked about retiring early. Right when I turned 40 though, I started thinking I would regret not having a child. So, we decided to try and have one, although I did not want to undergo fertility treatments if it didn't happen naturally.
I was very lucky to be able to conceive and had a baby girl at 41. I'm now 44 with an almost 3 year old, and now we're most likely going to sell our retirement home so we can send our child to a good school, and I have mixed feelings about this. I don't regret having a child, but obviously my life is completely different as a result. I love my little girl with all my heart and would never say to her that I wish I wouldn't have had her, but at the same time I wish I could do want I want and live where I want. I feel very selfish even writing this, but I'm putting my honest feelings out there.

I think you're incredibly brave for saying this. I suspect many parents often feel the same way (but there's too much taboo around it to say so).

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

This has been a painful thread to read. My heart goes out to all of you due to circumstances and/or health issues that don't have children. I feel bad for the ones who are childless by choice who have been the brunt of rude and heartless comments. I too am childless but it's much too complicated to get into. I will say that when I was younger I didn't have the burning desire to have children that some women have, maybe because I knew my chances of conceiving were almost nil and that being pregnant could possibly jeopardize my health. I missed the window of adoption and as someone in this thread mentioned it can be expensive and can take years.

I have childless friends who have been through everything shared in this thread. All of you have expressed their struggles and mine so concisely. I remember when a former co-worker of mine actually got right into my face and asked point blank "Why don't you have kids, what's the problem?" She was about 6 inches from my face and wagging her finger at me. I remember the shock, the horror and the embarrassment of that situation. What I don't remember is how I answered. I know what I would say now if she were to ask me that same question .

So in answer to the question - yes, I'm okay with it but I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it once in a while. I can't go back so I don't dwell on it.

Wow, Poodles, that's incredible about your co-worker. Sadly, it doesn't surprise me, because I have seen some people get very, very upset with women who don't want to have children. Not to mention some of the vicious comments that people receive, too, as discussed on this thread.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I can look this issue from both sides, as I waited until I was 40 until I decided to try and get pregnant. In my 30s I was enjoying life, and didn't really want to have kids. My husband and I travelled extensively, and were happy with just the two of us. We talked about retiring early. Right when I turned 40 though, I started thinking I would regret not having a child. So, we decided to try and have one, although I did not want to undergo fertility treatments if it didn't happen naturally.
I was very lucky to be able to conceive and had a baby girl at 41. I'm now 44 with an almost 3 year old, and now we're most likely going to sell our retirement home so we can send our child to a good school, and I have mixed feelings about this. I don't regret having a child, but obviously my life is completely different as a result. I love my little girl with all my heart and would never say to her that I wish I wouldn't have had her, but at the same time I wish I could do want I want and live where I want. I feel very selfish even writing this, but I'm putting my honest feelings out there.

I think you're incredibly brave for saying this. I suspect many parents often feel the same way (but there's too much taboo around it to say so).

Coda, I agree with cmd that you're very brave to share this. Like her, I also suspect that you are not alone with these feelings. However, as your daughter gets older you will get some of your independence back. Unless you're someone who just adores all little children and has an affinity with them the way that some people adore all animals, I think many people find the toddler years challenging. I mean, they are - you're trying to control and look after someone who needs everything done for them yet can't employ reason or really articulate what they need, or what's wrong, so they get frustrated, and toddler tantrums are the result. Not easy! And the burdens seem to fall the most heavily on the mother, in many cases.

This stage won't last forever, though.

What's come through in this thread is how hard it is to be ambivalent about kids. It's great if you're a total kid person or you're all "None for me! All good here!"

But if you're a fence-sitter, you either don't do it and regret what might have been, or you do it and find the change in lifestyle tough.

Of course, I feel the sorriest for people who knew they really wanted children no matter what, and were not able to have them. That must be very hard. My heart goes out to those who have posted about that.