Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regrets?

[ame]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre



When we first married, I was leaning towards having them, most likely because "that is just what you do, you get married, you have kids." The longer we're married, the more I realize 1) I am married to a child, and 2) the more I am around kids, the more I cannot wait to go home/the other room and be away from them. I love my littles, I spoil them totally rotten. They're the best ever. But I am generally pretty happy when it's time to stop having to contort myself to fit underneath an end table and or hose off a small, sticky child covered in some strange food stuff and go home.

If we got pregnant, first off, it would be immaculate conception right now and I'd be concerned for the well-being of anyone and everyone at Bayer for the failure of my Mirena, and secondly, I would hightail the hell over to the nearest clinic and get an abortion IMMEDIATELY. Not just because there's no way we're having a child, but also because there's literally no way a child could ever survive and remain close to healthy in this body, or as I am now known to those dirtballs in Oklahoma, "a host," to come to term. Not a chance. I love living in a place that, at least right now, allows me the right to make my own choices of what to do with my own f'ing body. And I intend to continue making those choices. I don't regret the one I had to have previously, and I won't regret any others I might need to have in the future.

I know there's a lot of people that are in my social circle that are married to people who are very opposite on the child thing, and feel like the settled. I know DH was leaning very NO, and feels like I am only settling for no kids because of his view. He doesn't watch the littles with me, though, and has no idea just how much being around other people's kids impacted that. People will say "when they're your kids, it's different," but I don't think so. It is a full time job, 24/7/365, you are responsible for someone's LIFE, and that's a big deal, and that is heavy! Babysitting and being someone's guardian in the event of tragedy is VERY different than being a parent, I think. And I am much more comfortable with the former two, vs the latter!

 

[ame]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

That maternal instinct doesn't necessarily mean "omg I LOVE kids, have to have one, I'd make such a great mom and I just want to take care of a baby!" I'd say it's more like this:

See train hurtling towards non-blood-related loved one: split second decision/choice to push them out of the way.

See train hurtling towards own child: immediately and instinctively push them out of the way, no thought involved and without regard to your own safety.

It's just a biological survival thing, imo. I'm kind of a pragmatic realist vs a romantic who needs to have all the feels, though. I know others feel differently. I'm just saying there's no need to have regrets either way.

See, I think that many women have that maternal instinct without wanting/having kids. I would do ANYTHING for my littles. Including jump in front of a train/whatever, to protect them. They don't have to be mine, even though they are blood (tho the other two are not blood and I'd do it for them as well), I just feel that fierce mother's den protective bond I guess? The way my side operates, anyway, it's like team parenting. My sister has no issue, in fact, encourages it, if her kids act like turds and we need to correct them. But I don't grant permission for things like eating crap before dinner or bedtime, unless I am the only adult present, then again, Aunt Ame is NOT the proper guardian for bedtime babysitting because Aunt Ame is a SUCKER.

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I'm in my fifties, had always wanted children and was unable to have them. My husband was fine with having our own but wasn't keen on adoption. We differed greatly on this as it would have made no difference to me how I became a mom. I knew I would love any child just as much I would have loved a biological child. We went thru a few years of infertility treatments and were not successful. It bothered me for years but I also knew I had a much stronger marriage than many of my friends who had children. Now that I'm older it doesn't bother me that I am childless. We have a great life. Who knows what it would have been like had we had children. I am also very close to our brother's children and know how difficult being a great parent is. At times the grass will always seem greener on the other side. I think that is just human nature. I think I would have had a happy life either way. I am very grateful I have such a close relationship with my nieces and nephews so there have always had children in my life even though they were not my own. I will also forever be grateful to my two SIL's who offered to carry a child for me.

Some of the comments I received did amaze me. An older neighbor overhead a comment that had been made to me at a neighborhood party. She came over the next day, sat me down and said as directly as she possibly could that she knew for a fact the couple making the nasty remarks were extremely jealous of the life my husband and I had. I tried not to let comments bother quite so much after that.

Ame, You are not alone in being a sucker. My brothers kids have me sooo wrapped around their finger.

I forgot to add my furbaby is definitely my child Dancing Fire

 

[ame]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Ame, You are not alone in being a sucker. My brothers kids have me sooo wrapped around their finger.

I forgot to add my furbaby is definitely my child Dancing Fire

I think it's a tossup between my dad and me who is the favored babysitter, but Aunt Ame is definitely the bigger sucker lol! And I own it! I also wouldn't be where I am in life if I had kids of my own, so they certainly wouldn't be as rotten as they are

The most "comments" I get are from DH who is just convinced I am settling. We used to get comments from within the family, earlier in our marriage, but those who didn't know about my prior gynecological issues stopped asking fairly quickly because they figured out we wouldn't be having kids.

Now, if we WANTED kids or saw a situation where that would be very important, neither of us has issues adopting. Any age, really. I don't need a biological child, and I know he doesn't, and given that both of us are cesspools of genetics, we probably don't need a biological spawn anyway.

 

[baby monster]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Regretting something is thinking that you made the wrong decision with the set of facts on hand. It certainly seems like the right decision to me to not have children with an emotionally unstable person. Did you want to have a child as a single parent either through adoption or donor DNA? Maybe it's not too late for one of those options. Do you regret not having a traditional marriage with children or just not being a mother? Perhaps exploring some of these thoughts will stop "what-if" in your mind.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Jambalya, I really respect that you did not want to bring children into an unhealthy situation. I am very sorry you had a horrible marriage. No one deserves that.

 

[PierreBear]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Married for almost 10 years but no children. When we were dating, I expressed that I wasn't sure if it would ever be in my life plans so DH entered into the relationship without any surprises and was ok with that path. I had hoped that my feelings would change overtime. Thought it would happen when my friends were having kids. However, the more I am around kids/toddlers, the more uncomfortable and "unmotherly" I feel. I don't think I'll regret it but I think I have more of a wish of wanting to be like all the other ladies. I know the path that I've chosen is fine and accepted by society but it still feels like part of me is broken. The other day, I found out a friend of a friend decided to freeze her eggs for the potential of being a mother even though she was single. It startled me that the desire to be a mother could be so strong whereas I've been married for so long and have taken the natural progression to start a family, yet there is no desire. Anyhow, thanks for letting me share and really appreciate that there are great parents out there to set good examples!

 

[december-fire]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Jambalaya,

You are such a thoughtful and caring person. I wish all people would think about the responsibility that comes along with having a child.

I guess its human nature to wonder 'what if'. That's OK if its curiosity-driven, but its not good if we start to feel bad and think we made 'a mistake'. Its impossible to say what your life would be like now if you'd had children.

There are no guarantees that a child will be healthy, happy, well-adjusted, caring or present in our life until we die. There are wonderful couples in long-term, stable, loving relationships, who have children with lots of issues. Parents play a role in a child's life, but there are so many other factors that are out of the control of the parents. Having a child will impact a person's life, but it may not be a positive impact. My heart goes out to wonderful individuals who are living with unbelievable stress due to a child's situation or decisions.

As a fellow human being, I'm familiar with looking back at some of my decisions and wondering 'what if'. Like you, I was in a very unhealthy marriage. Eventually, I realized that things would never improve, despite my efforts, and I divorced. I beat myself up with guilt and regret, thinking I should have divorced my ex sooner. But we can't change the past, and we have no idea what the present would look like if we made different decisions.

Trust that you made the right decision based on your situation.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I forgot to add my furbaby is definitely my child Dancing Fire

Is your furbaby a Dem or Rep?..

 

[monarch64]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Married for almost 10 years but no children. When we were dating, I expressed that I wasn't sure if it would ever be in my life plans so DH entered into the relationship without any surprises and was ok with that path. I had hoped that my feelings would change overtime. Thought it would happen when my friends were having kids. However, the more I am around kids/toddlers, the more uncomfortable and "unmotherly" I feel. I don't think I'll regret it but I think I have more of a wish of wanting to be like all the other ladies. I know the path that I've chosen is fine and accepted by society but it still feels like part of me is broken. The other day, I found out a friend of a friend decided to freeze her eggs for the potential of being a mother even though she was single. It startled me that the desire to be a mother could be so strong whereas I've been married for so long and have taken the natural progression to start a family, yet there is no desire. Anyhow, thanks for letting me share and really appreciate that there are great parents out there to set good examples!

You are not broken, not even a little bit. You get to feel however you feel about having children, and because you don't have any desire to have them doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or something in you doesn't work right. That is societal conditioning, and I guarantee you if we're all being honest with ourselves, part of the reason we even "progress" through marriage and having babies is because everyone else seems to be doing it and it's what we feel we're "supposed" to do! You even say you "thought it would happen when my friends were having kids." All of this stuff is based partly in biology but mostly due to our culture and environment. It isn't the individuals who are messed up; it's the overwhelming sense of what the entire group expects.

I know you know that. It's just nice to hear it sometimes.

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Married for almost 10 years but no children. When we were dating, I expressed that I wasn't sure if it would ever be in my life plans so DH entered into the relationship without any surprises and was ok with that path. I had hoped that my feelings would change overtime. Thought it would happen when my friends were having kids. However, the more I am around kids/toddlers, the more uncomfortable and "unmotherly" I feel. I don't think I'll regret it but I think I have more of a wish of wanting to be like all the other ladies. I know the path that I've chosen is fine and accepted by society but it still feels like part of me is broken. The other day, I found out a friend of a friend decided to freeze her eggs for the potential of being a mother even though she was single. It startled me that the desire to be a mother could be so strong whereas I've been married for so long and have taken the natural progression to start a family, yet there is no desire. Anyhow, thanks for letting me share and really appreciate that there are great parents out there to set good examples!

You are not broken, not even a little bit. You get to feel however you feel about having children, and because you don't have any desire to have them doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or something in you doesn't work right. That is societal conditioning, and I guarantee you if we're all being honest with ourselves, part of the reason we even "progress" through marriage and having babies is because everyone else seems to be doing it and it's what we feel we're "supposed" to do! You even say you "thought it would happen when my friends were having kids." All of this stuff is based partly in biology but mostly due to our culture and environment. It isn't the individuals who are messed up; it's the overwhelming sense of what the entire group expects.

I know you know that. It's just nice to hear it sometimes.

Please listen to very word Monnie wrote above. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN! Being a parent isn't for everyone. I wish women would quit feeling they have to explain the choices they make on this. I kept hoping this would have changed by now but apparently I was wrong. I know comments I heard and I was trying to get pregnant. I can only imagine how awful some of the comments would have been if I had said "I'm very happy with my life the way it is right now and really dont want to have children" that was 20 years ago. After reading some of the responses here I can see not much as changed. How sad.

 

[Arcadian]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Callie, its mainly that humans like to put people in boxes. They like to know how to classify you. "Are you one of us type mentality" if you will.

People who don't have kids and don't want them MUST belong in the don't like kids category. And that there MUST be something wrong with you. Thats far from the truth but thats where most go with it.

Besides, like many here, I have nieces and nephews. In my case 10+. And then there's the greats. Last count is 7 boys and one girl. The way I see it, the continuality of my line is more than covered

 

[kgizo]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I freaking love not having kids. Completely and totally love it. Been married 18 years and at the time we married we each thought it probably wasn't for us, but agreed we would revisit as time went on and would be open to adoption. At every check in point we were good with our decision. It astounds me that people ask about it like there is something wrong with not having kids. Most of our friends had kids and while there were some that loved being parents there were many that didn't. They would never come out and say it of course, but would say they loved their kids and then talk about parenting in unflattering terms (frustrating, unappreciated, not enough help from their partner, expensive, cost them career opportunities, etc). Whenever I've been asked I've just responded that my life is so rewarding and full I can't imagine it any other way because it's the truth. That said, I'm sure that people who have a burning desire for kids/family feel the same way. It comes down to knowing yourself.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I wrote the response below and mistakenly posed it on the mirror thread for people who do have kids. It's meant to be on this thread:

Thank you to everyone who replied. Looking at this thread and the mirror thread, it seems that fundamentally, people who wanted to have children did and are glad, and people who didn't want them didn't have them and are also glad. That's good!

Some people have said they respect that I didn't want to bring a child into a potentially bad situation. That was definitely a reason, but then, people have children with less-than-ideal partners all the time - mine wasn't physically abusive and he had a good job, no addiction issues - and people muddle through and are happy in the end that they have their kids. However, I thought there was every chance he would walk out on me and children, and I don't feel I could have coped with that. One of the emotionally abusive things he used to do was ignore me a lot and refuse to admit anything was wrong. This could go on for a week at a time, and it happened a lot. I had a deep fear that he would treat a child the same way. I think I would have been a great mom and as long as the children had me, they would have been OK, I think - but what if something happened to me? I have a LOT of earlyish cancer in my family.

Anyway, these are all the reasons I decided against it, but I hear parents talk about the deep joy of having children, and it just makes me wonder. Mostly I'm fine with the situation, but yeah, Valentine's Day!

I do have some nieces and nephews of my own, and their parents have definitely struggled at times. One thing I don't feel I'm missing is watching children grow. I've watched my nieces and nephews grow, and it's not that which makes me wonder what might have been. It's more the deep love and affection between parent and child. But all the growing stages, like learning sports and having birthdays and passing exams, I feel like, well, everyone does that, and I don't find watching others move through life stages that interesting, tbh. I think it's more that I'll never have a deep bond with my own child - but on most days, I'm convinced that having kids with my ex would have put me through more than I was willing to handle...and they might have been like him, not like me!

Bottom line is, I was married for a decade and if I'd wanted to have them enough I guess I would have. But of course, you wonder what might have been.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

PierreBear, I feel bad sometimes too about not having kids. For me, it's not so much a sense of brokenness but a lack of confidence. I feel as if people who have kids are more mature, capable, and sacrificing than me. I mean, parents make huge sacrifices at great cost to themselves, and sometimes for little thanks, all to bring up the next generation of workers and tax-producers so that our society can continue to turn. I guess this is another way of saying that I do beat myself up about not having kids sometimes, and I think that...whisper it...a part of me, deep down, does feel that parents are better than me, because they give so very much of themselves, all their resources, night and day, to someone else. And those children might not be close to them as adults, might move away, might come up short in the parents' old age - I've seen a number of my peers behave like that to their parents. But parents just keep on lovin'.

Parents often say that the love they feel for a child outstrips anything they've ever felt. I feel very mournful that I won't experience that...but I do love my family and friends very much. I loved my mother more than anyone on earth and I was inconsolable for a long time after she died. Maybe that's the closest I'll come.

It's convenient to pin all the blame on my ex, but I also wasn't crazy about the sheer amount of work that bringing kids up entails, and the daily grind, and the crushing expense. These are all other reasons why I opted out.

I think there are two main aspects of the experience of having kids: The emotional, romantic side, where you're carrying on the family line, the making of a new person out of love, the bond between mother and child, the deep sense of reward that people talk about.

Then there's the other side: the work, the chores, the expense, the night duties, the fact that kids can go very wrong and break your heart, or simply not be in your life much as adults.

Given the context of my marriage, I guess the latter outweighed the former. Maybe I'll just always feel as if I missed out, but at the same time I'm glad not to have experienced the negatives. I guess we can't have it all. And I'll just have to get used to the fact that some people will always think less of me for not being a parent. My family weren't very nice to me at one point for not having kids - they didn't realise what my marriage was like - and I do think their attitude about it affected me. It was kind of a window into how some people think.

Wasn't there an American president who said that it was men's job to go to war and women's job to have kids, and women who didn't have kids were like men avoiding war?

Yeah, I feel plenty bad about not having kids.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

I'm on nights so don't have time to reply to everyone while at work - and am shattered/sleeping in the day; body clock up the creek without a paddle - but I just wanted to thank every one so much for the thoughtful replies.

 

[violet3]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Shew, what a brave and painful topic to bring up, Jambalaya! I applaud you for having the guts to broach it and bring your honest opinion to the table. Yes...sometimes it is REALLY hard to be a childless person in this world. I read this thread and let it marinate for a while before responding.

I recently turned 40, and I've been married for 7 years to my wonderful husband. We haven't been able to have children, and moving through that process has been painful and...strange to be honest. When we were first married, I was 33 and I figured we had plenty of time to have kids. We didn't start trying for a couple of years, because we needed to get more financially stable, and I was working too much. My family has fertility issues (both my mom and my sister before me), so I"m not sure why I thought I would be any different, but still I was still surprised when my body would not perform this basic function that women's bodies do all the time. At first, I just took a "what's meant to be, will be" approach, but as I got older, with each year, the sadness increased. I watched all of my friends and family have children, and celebrate the joy of motherhood, and felt really sad for what I was missing.

More than anything, I noticed the shift in my relationships, or the way my friends/family who WERE mothers had started to treat me differently. To those who have kids, our childless lives just are not as important as theirs. If you don't have kids, you are expected to be the one who always changes their schedule because "you don't have kids." My life started to get to the point where my sister and my friends would automatically expect that I would be there to celebrate their moments, and one day I woke up and realized that I had started living vicariously through these people, and I wasn't celebrating any of my own moments. I had just kind of stopped living and was just "watching" everyone else live their lives. That was 2 years ago, when I was 38, and it was one of the most painful days of my life. I think that was the day I realized that NOT having children was a real possibility (or even a likelihood) for me.

After that, I realized that I needed to make some changes, and that I really needed to find other people who don't have children also. What DO these people do to make their lives meaningful? I've struggled off and on through the last two years, but I have made new friends, and I have found ways to make my life meaningful, or perhaps I have just found happiness in the meaningful things I had always had, but couldn't appreciate, because I was so profoundly sad about not having kids.

For whatever reason, this year things have started to change for me, and there is a little less sadness. I'm not sure if it is because I turned 40, or because I suffered 4 major deaths last year (my mom, both of her parents, and my dog), but sometimes now there are days that I think it might be for the best that I don't have children. My mom threw her entire life into child raising, and when it was over, she was lost and profoundly depressed until she died. Some days, I also think I'm too old or too tired to start that process. I still have sad days, but not nearly as many.

I often think that I'll need to leave my mark on the world in some other way, and I'm trying to figure out what way that is. I teach college students, and I truly love them and watching them become adults. In some ways, I have tons of kids, I suppose. I also have become more involved in my community, through some service work, which I find really fulfilling. I did a lot of community service in college, but got away from it in adulthood. With or without kids, it's hard to navigate this world as an adult, and to figure out what your role is. I'm going to keep trying to figure it out for myself.

Thank you Jambalaya, for the topic. It was a good day to reflect on this for me.

 

[december-fire]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

It saddens me to think that a person doesn't feel he/she is enough without a child or spouse.

Each person is whole and complete on their own. There isn't 'something wrong' with a person who doesn't have a child or spouse.

There are so many different reasons why a person may or may not have children, and may or may not have a spouse.

In the thread asking those with children if they have regrets, I don't think anyone will post that they are a parent and regret it.

I have children and love them more than I can express.
However, without getting into specifics, its safe to say I know of parents who regret having a child.

I included having or not having a spouse because it seems there can be views, expectations, and opinions about that as well. We don't all have to reproduce or live under the same roof as someone else. External pressure, or what we perceive as external pressure, should not dictate our self-image or sense of worth.

 

[dk168]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Happily on my own with 2 fur babies.

DK

 

[OreoRosies86]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Whether you have kids or not, there's no need to be a d*ck about it.

"I can't imagine life without my little Johnny/Janie, life has no meaning until you have children" is just as insufferable as "Thank god I don't have to put up with a shrill parasite, what are these parents thinking?!"

Live and let live, y'all

 

[december-fire]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Happily on my own with 2 fur babies.

DK

 

[violet3]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

It saddens me to think that a person doesn't feel he/she is enough without a child or spouse.

Each person is whole and complete on their own. There isn't 'something wrong' with a person who doesn't have a child or spouse.

There are so many different reasons why a person may or may not have children, and may or may not have a spouse.

In the thread asking those with children if they have regrets, I don't think anyone will post that they are a parent and regret it.

I have children and love them more than I can express.
However, without getting into specifics, its safe to say I know of parents who regret having a child.

I included having or not having a spouse because it seems there can be views, expectations, and opinions about that as well. We don't all have to reproduce or live under the same roof as someone else. External pressure, or what we perceive as external pressure, should not dictate our self-image or sense of worth.

I mean this with the utmost respect, December Fire - I think it's easy to say "You should feel like you're enough without a child or spouse," when you have been able to have children. It's impossible for you to understand how it feels to be childless, so it's unfair to make such a statement. For the record, I'm happy for you (and anyone in my life also) that you have kids and have been able to have that experience.

People often say things like "not everyone is meant to be a mother." And clearly I wasn't meant to be one, or I would have been able. But every time someone says this, it stings and causes me pain. And it's almost always someone who HAS children who says this to me, which hurts a little extra, because they TRULY cannot understand how it feels to be childless and sad about it.

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

It saddens me to think that a person doesn't feel he/she is enough without a child or spouse.

Each person is whole and complete on their own. There isn't 'something wrong' with a person who doesn't have a child or spouse.

There are so many different reasons why a person may or may not have children, and may or may not have a spouse.

In the thread asking those with children if they have regrets, I don't think anyone will post that they are a parent and regret it.

I have children and love them more than I can express.
However, without getting into specifics, its safe to say I know of parents who regret having a child.

I included having or not having a spouse because it seems there can be views, expectations, and opinions about that as well. We don't all have to reproduce or live under the same roof as someone else. External pressure, or what we perceive as external pressure, should not dictate our self-image or sense of worth.

I mean this with the utmost respect, December Fire - I think it's easy to say "You should feel like you're enough without a child or spouse," when you have been able to have children. It's impossible for you to understand how it feels to be childless, so it's unfair to make such a statement. For the record, I'm happy for you (and anyone in my life also) that you have kids and have been able to have that experience.

People often say things like "not everyone is meant to be a mother." And clearly I wasn't meant to be one, or I would have been able. But every time someone says this, it stings and causes me pain. And it's almost always someone who HAS children who says this to me, which hurts a little extra, because they TRULY cannot understand how it feels to be childless and sad about it.

Violet, I hope you didn't misunderstand my comment "Not everyone is meant to be a mother" I meant that comment in regard to women who choose not to have children. I don't consider myself who was not meant to have them because I couldn't have children. Honey, I have been exactly where you are and I know how hard it is. Time helps and having children in your life that you are exceptionally close to helps a great deal. I'm thankful everyday that I have my nieces and nephews. Unless someone has been thru this, even though they think they know how you feel, you are correct they can't possible know. Hugs, Callie

 

[violet3]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

It saddens me to think that a person doesn't feel he/she is enough without a child or spouse.

Each person is whole and complete on their own. There isn't 'something wrong' with a person who doesn't have a child or spouse.

There are so many different reasons why a person may or may not have children, and may or may not have a spouse.

In the thread asking those with children if they have regrets, I don't think anyone will post that they are a parent and regret it.

I have children and love them more than I can express.
However, without getting into specifics, its safe to say I know of parents who regret having a child.

I included having or not having a spouse because it seems there can be views, expectations, and opinions about that as well. We don't all have to reproduce or live under the same roof as someone else. External pressure, or what we perceive as external pressure, should not dictate our self-image or sense of worth.

I mean this with the utmost respect, December Fire - I think it's easy to say "You should feel like you're enough without a child or spouse," when you have been able to have children. It's impossible for you to understand how it feels to be childless, so it's unfair to make such a statement. For the record, I'm happy for you (and anyone in my life also) that you have kids and have been able to have that experience.

People often say things like "not everyone is meant to be a mother." And clearly I wasn't meant to be one, or I would have been able. But every time someone says this, it stings and causes me pain. And it's almost always someone who HAS children who says this to me, which hurts a little extra, because they TRULY cannot understand how it feels to be childless and sad about it.

Violet, I hope you didn't misunderstand my comment "Not everyone is meant to be a mother" I meant that comment in regard to women who choose not to have children. I don't consider myself who was not meant to have them because I couldn't have children. Honey, I have been exactly where you are and I know how hard it is. Time helps and having children in your life that you are exceptionally close to helps a great deal. I'm thankful everyday that I have my nieces and nephews. Unless someone has been thru this, even though they think they know how you feel, you are correct they can't possible know. Hugs, Callie

Thank you Callie - I wasn't referring to your post at all. It seems to be a statement that comes up a lot, and in my world, most people lump those who were unable in with those who didn't want children. They say things like "for whatever reason, some people weren't meant to be mothers, due to choices or circumstances." I don't know why, but every time I hear that phrase, they might as well substitute the words "deserve to be," for the words "meant to be," because that is exactly what it feels like they are saying. I realize my part in this, and that it likely wasn't meant to be harmful when it was said (probably exactly the opposite actually) but still...it hurts my heart. Thanks for sharing your experience Callie - it helps to know it gets better, and I'm grateful to have had a slight glimpse of that recently.

 

[december-fire]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

violet3,

You're right. I don't know what its like to want a child and not be able to have one. Two couples who are close to me went through a lot to try and have a child, including fertility treatments and trying to adopt. One couple was successful, the other was not. I saw some of the heartache and pain they went through, and know there was much more than what I saw. However, I did not experience it myself.

There's a big difference between someone deciding they don't want to have a child, and someone wanting a child but unable to have one.

I wouldn't say (and don't think I did) that people 'should' feel like they're enough with or without a child or spouse. Just that it saddens me to think that some people 'don't' feel as if they're enough otherwise.

There are some things in life that we can't change, unfortunately, and my wish is that for anyone who wants a child but is unable to have one, that they can find peace and have a fulfilling life.

Although, even as I wrote that, I wondered if that's possible. No doubt, there are people who always feel an emptiness or sadness because they don't have a child because of circumstances rather than choice.

You mention leaving a mark on the world and figuring out our role. As you said, with or without children, it can be hard to navigate life and figure out our role. I wish you success in whatever additional directions you head out (new friends, hobbies, community service, whatever). I have no doubt that you've already made a lasting impression and had a huge positive impact on the lives of your college students. Most of us can reflect back on a person who showed interest in us, offered encouragement or support, and demonstrated their confidence in our abilities. You seem like such a person.

Please excuse my meandering train of thought in this post. This really is a topic that has more to it than the title might suggest.

 

[Calliecake]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Violet, I am well past child bearing age but knew when I was a teenager that I really wanted to be a mother. I completely understand what you are saying. Often the comments that hurt the most came from people who genuinely loved and cared about me who were trying to make me feel better. I'm sure you are experiencing the same thing. Like any other heartbreaking situation in life people really do want and try to help. Please try to keep in mind the persons heart that is making the comments. That often made painful comments a little but easier for me. I knew It hurt them to know I was in pain. I'm sorry you are going thru this Violet. I know this has been a very hard year for you with the loses you have experienced. Please know I am here for you if you want to talk. I may not always have the perfect words but my heart is in the right place and I know what you are going thru.

December Fire, I know from your posts on many subjects that you have a very kind heart.

 

[kenny]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

... They say things like "for whatever reason, some people weren't meant to be mothers, due to choices or circumstances." I don't know why, but every time I hear that phrase, they might as well substitute the words "deserve to be," for the words "meant to be," because that is exactly what it feels like they are saying.

So sorry for this Violet3.

Yet another example of the pitfalls of believing in stuff for which there is no evidence.

There IS no "meant to be".
Things just are.

Why oh why do humans have to invent supernatural stuff and pretend it's real?
It's totally unnecessary, and often harmful.

 

[violet3]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

violet3,

You're right. I don't know what its like to want a child and not be able to have one. Two couples who are close to me went through a lot to try and have a child, including fertility treatments and trying to adopt. One couple was successful, the other was not. I saw some of the heartache and pain they went through, and know there was much more than what I saw. However, I did not experience it myself.

There's a big difference between someone deciding they don't want to have a child, and someone wanting a child but unable to have one.

I wouldn't say (and don't think I did) that people 'should' feel like they're enough with or without a child or spouse. Just that it saddens me to think that some people 'don't' feel as if they're enough otherwise.

There are some things in life that we can't change, unfortunately, and my wish is that for anyone who wants a child but is unable to have one, that they can find peace and have a fulfilling life.

Although, even as I wrote that, I wondered if that's possible. No doubt, there are people who always feel an emptiness or sadness because they don't have a child because of circumstances rather than choice.

You mention leaving a mark on the world and figuring out our role. As you said, with or without children, it can be hard to navigate life and figure out our role. I wish you success in whatever additional directions you head out (new friends, hobbies, community service, whatever). I have no doubt that you've already made a lasting impression and had a huge positive impact on the lives of your college students. Most of us can reflect back on a person who showed interest in us, offered encouragement or support, and demonstrated their confidence in our abilities. You seem like such a person.

Please excuse my meandering train of thought in this post. This really is a topic that has more to it than the title might suggest.

My apologies, you are absolutely right - you didn't say that. But that's what I inferred when I read it - see how crazy the whole topic can make me? I wasn't going to reply to this thread, because I know it's a hot button for me, but I thought it would help to write it all out. I've lived in this world of craziness for years and it can make a person nuts. I really do appreciate your insights in this thread.

 

[december-fire]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

violet3,

I'm glad you posted in this thread!

Whether or not a person has a child does not automatically mean anything!

Wanting a child and not being able to have one (through fertility treatments, surrogate, adoption, whatever) merits its own thread. There are so many emotions and challenges involved. I suspect there may be a forum for that kind of topic already.

Add me to the list of people who don't like the phrase 'aren't meant to be a mother'. Although, as Calliecake wisely noted, there can be good intentions and comforting thoughts behind phrases that don't seem to indicate that.

No matter what world of craziness we're living in, we probably aren't alone in that world nor are we likely to be the first person dwelling there. Sometimes knowing that doesn't help, but occasionally it does.

Hugs

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Women Who Don't Have Kids: Are You OK With It? Any Regre

Violet, thank you for your post. So honest and heartfelt. I am truly sorry for what you have suffered. It's a real reminder to others that the child issue really should not be mentioned to a woman who doesn't have kids, because people have no idea of the complexities of a person's situation. I can only imagine how hurt you'd be if a pregnant women had said to you, "So, are you anti-kids?" the way that someone said to me the other day.

In theory, we as a society agree that it's rude to ask a woman about her baby plans, and yet in practice, people make comments to women without kids the whole time. It's one social norm that is continually flouted. I remember my then mother-in-law, after I'd been married to her son for a few years, holding forth about how it's your children that count in the end, after your career is done, etc. My husband never used to confide in her about anything, so bear in mind that this woman had no idea what was going on with us - we could have had six failed cycles of IVF for all she knew! Fortunately, that was not the case, but can you imagine?

Callie, I am also sorry for the pain you suffered about this in the past.

DecemberFire, thank you for your kind comments to me. The trouble is, it's society that makes people feel incomplete without marriage/kids. Couples who co-habit report feeling a lot of pressure to marry. One man I know gave in to the pressure, much of it coming from his girlfriend's family, and the marriage was a disaster - they ended up divorced.