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Having kids - personal question

PierreBear

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Hi PS Friends,

I hope ya'll don't mind a personal question and it is not to offend in anyway. I want to have the desire to have kids but that light bulb just hasn't come on yet. Feel like something is broken with me but I know everyone's different etc etc... but was curious if someone who has elected not to have kids but it's not until many years later that you wish you did? Thanks in advance!
 

sonnyjane

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I'm childless by choice. I'm not saying that a person should or should not have children, but if you don't feel that you want them, you needn't feel you are "broken". It's not for everyone. I suppose I'm still at an age that I could still change my mind, but I absolutely don't see it in the cards for me.
 

Matata

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I knew I didn't want kids from the time I was in my early teens, had a tubal ligation at 25, am now 61 and haven't regretted it one time.
 

AnnaH

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Your question is not offensive, and I don't think "broken" applies. Of course, it's your decision, and if you do become a mother, you will have the feelings that go with it.
 

monarch64

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I did not feel the desire to have a child until I was 34-ish. I do not recall feeling "broken" or like anything was wrong with me. Other people used to ask me the very rude question of when was I going to have children, but even then I didn't feel like something was wrong with me or that I was missing something or missing out. Having kids based on the thought that you might regret NOT having them by the time it's too late is a ridiculous reason to have them. It is a sh*t ton of work and some days it totally sucks. It's essentially the best thing and the worst thing ever at the same time. Ha! :halo: :devil:
 

tyty333

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I always knew I wanted kids since I was young. I say if the mood never really hits you then don't worry about it. Kids are a big
sacrifice. I didn't realize how big until I had them. No, I don't regret having them but I say if the strong feeling hasn't hit you then
don't force it.
 

dk168

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I am childless by choice.

I baby-sat a family friend's first born when he was 2 weeks old, and the experience put me off for life.

He will be 33 this August.

It was one of the best decision I have ever made, and never had a moment of regret.

DK :))
 

AdaBeta27

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There's not necessarily anything wrong with you, OP. Motherhood is optional, as I like to say. I never liked the local version of family life where I grew up, and I definitely didn't want to be one of those mamas. And I knew from the first whiff of my brother's diaper pail that being around babies and children held little or no appeal for me. Actually, I might have developed that opinion before the diaper pail incident, because my mother says I packed all of the dolls that people gave me into a suitcase which I shoved under the bed and ignored. Hardwired, hardcore opposition to motherhood. :lol: I like action, mechanical things, outdoor activities, science, technology, cerebral activities. I'm an introverted analytical personality type. My career choice (that I love) and my leisure activities (which are just more mechanics and tech and science) don't allow for dawdling around with babies and children. I am over 50 now and have absolutely no regrets about not having children. I love to spend my days as far away from grandmas and mamas and children as I can get.

To be honest, there were exactly 2 times that I got a sudden spark that maybe I wanted a child. Both occurred while I was in my mid 20s and dating one particular man. That relationship was on/off and I finally dumped him for good after one of those breakups and refused to ever reconcile. I never ever got the notion that I wanted a child, either before or after that. By age 34 or so, I had pretty much ruled out having any babies. I don't enjoy homemaking and I hate being slowed down by children, or anything that's not at least university-level mentality. With me, I think it was just a clear and distinct dislike for the jobs of mother and homemaker right from the start. My co-worker women who have kids are not SAHMs. Almost all had nannies and/or used daycare services. Most are one-and-done mothers. A few had 2 kids, but that's the limit. And those husbands are all actively involved in child-rearing. It's not that old Euro-peasant stuff I saw growing up, where the men go off to work and out to run around and drink and play and party with other men and mistresses, leaving the mamas and grandmas stuck at home with all the kids and household drudgework.
 

LLJsmom

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Quick reply. Never wanted kids growing up but thought I would change my mind as I got older. Was 30 and still didn't change my mind but had a kid at 31 cause I promised DH I would. Not having kids would have been cause for divorce. I told him I would when we got married 5 years earlier. So glad I did. Really happy I became a mom. Super fulfilling. So blessed and privileged. I became so much more than I ever thought I would. A lot less self-centered person. Too much to explain here. I had another and wanted #3. DH said 2 was enough, and he was the one who wanted 3-4 at the beginning. LOL!!

Have a friend who never wanted kids till she approached 40. Took a couple years of IVF. Had her first baby at 43. She is happy beyond belief. She tells me that she will counsel any children to freeze their eggs so they have options should they change their mind at some point in the future.

Another cousin didn't want kids till she turned 35. Trying IVF for 5 years. But no luck.
 

Rhea

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We don't have children. No regrets to date. I've never felt broken and none of my actual friends or family have ever attempted to make me feel that way. My mother is the greatest non-grandmother I know. She went through a period of being asked when we'd give her grandchildren a lot and she has some great responses :bigsmile: My friends who have children are respectful of our choices and we're not treated as though parenthood is an exclusive club to which we aren't invited.

We've been together 13 years and discussed it again seriously earlier this year. It was a short conversation. We're blessed and privileged to live the lives we want to live no matter if we chose to have offspring or not. No matter what you choose, your life is likely to be hard at times. There's no sense in making it harder by making a major commitment you don't want (same goes for marriage, purchase of property, career choices).
 

sonnyjane

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Rhea|1468535298|4055527 said:
My mother is the greatest non-grandmother I know. She went through a period of being asked when we'd give her grandchildren a lot and she has some great responses :bigsmile: My friends who have children are respectful of our choices and we're not treated as though parenthood is an exclusive club to which we aren't invited.
My mom too! She had a brief period of being sad that we weren't having kids, but she now agrees it is best. Who better to confirm that I'm just far too lazy and selfish to have children than the woman that while raising me always scolded me that I was lazy and selfish haha.
 

NOYFB

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We are childfree by choice. By the age of 14 I just "knew" that I would be physically incapable of having children so I think in a way it was ingrained in me not to want them. I never got that "urge". Ever. And neither did DH. We talked about it before we got married and it was a deal breaker if either one of had wanted children. We've never once changed our minds and we've been together for 20 years. I had extensive female reproductive medical issues and had a hysterectomy at age 40. I have never once regretted not having children.

It's not for everyone and I have a problem with society saying that we're not real women unless we're mothers. I take offense to people who use to tell me "Oh, you'll change your mind" or any of those other stupid things people say to people who are childfree by choice. I actually stopped seeing a gyne once because she had the nerve to say that to me, after rolling her eyes at me (I'm not kidding) when I told her I had no intentions of ever procreating.

I'm not broken and neither are you. You are a woman and you are human. You do not need a child to make you either of those things.
 

Rhea

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Sonnyjane,

Do you really feel lazy and selfish for not having children? I don't. I think no matter which way you decide, it's selfish, but neither way is any more selfish than the other. My friends want, and have children, for just as many reasons and benefits to their lives as I can name for not having them. I've yet to personally meet or speak to anyone who has children purely out of duty :lol: Though one of my friend's swears that's why her parents had children. Duty to whom or what I'm unsure.
 

sonnyjane

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Rhea|1468537801|4055540 said:
Sonnyjane,

Do you really feel lazy and selfish for not having children? I don't. I think no matter which way you decide, it's selfish, but neither way is any more selfish than the other. My friends want, and have children, for just as many reasons and benefits to their lives as I can name for not having them. I've yet to personally meet or speak to anyone who has children purely out of duty :lol: Though one of my friend's swears that's why her parents had children. Duty to whom or what I'm unsure.
I don't feel lazy and selfish for not having children. I AM lazy and selfish and therefore don't want children. I like quiet. I like calm. I like not being covered in vomit or feces. I like being able to do whatever I want when I want to. The thought of having to care for a child quite literally makes me shudder. I have friends that have absolutely ADORABLE children. I enjoy seeing pictures of them, but have no desire whatsoever to have my own.

If my husband ever came to me and said he changed his mind and felt he had to have a child, we would have an amicable divorce and I'd hope he found someone to give that to him, but I wouldn't have a child just to make him happy.
 

sonnyjane

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Lil Misfit|1468537598|4055539 said:
I actually stopped seeing a gyne once because she had the nerve to say that to me, after rolling her eyes at me (I'm not kidding) when I told her I had no intentions of ever procreating.
Me too! I told her I had no plans of having children (and this was 8 years ago - I was only 25 at the time!). She insisted that I take pre-natal vitamins everyday anyway because you "never know". I never went back to her and certainly didn't take her advice.
 

Rhea

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sonnyjane|1468538292|4055545 said:
Rhea|1468537801|4055540 said:
Sonnyjane,

Do you really feel lazy and selfish for not having children? I don't. I think no matter which way you decide, it's selfish, but neither way is any more selfish than the other. My friends want, and have children, for just as many reasons and benefits to their lives as I can name for not having them. I've yet to personally meet or speak to anyone who has children purely out of duty :lol: Though one of my friend's swears that's why her parents had children. Duty to whom or what I'm unsure.
I don't feel lazy and selfish for not having children. I AM lazy and selfish and therefore don't want children. I like quiet. I like calm. I like not being covered in vomit or feces. I like being able to do whatever I want when I want to. The thought of having to care for a child quite literally makes me shudder. I have friends that have absolutely ADORABLE children. I enjoy seeing pictures of them, but have no desire whatsoever to have my own.

If my husband ever came to me and said he changed his mind and felt he had to have a child, we would have an amicable divorce and I'd hope he found someone to give that to him, but I wouldn't have a child just to make him happy.
Got it! For a second there I was reading it as though you were someone I know and reacting based on how and why she says it. She thinks not having children means you're selfish. Never mind all the environmental reasons why breeding isn't such a hot idea.

I must laugh. Our latest friend up the duff doesn't like gross stuff. She couldn't stand me describing why her cat we were caring for needed to go to the vet. I certainly hope she's better with something she's birthed.
 

momhappy

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There's nothing wrong or "broken" about not wanting children. Not having them doesn't necessarily have to be a regret in life, although, I'm sure it can be for some. I have friends that don't have kids and they are content just as I have friends who do have them and they are content too.
 

jordyonbass

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I find this interesting because it's something that I have began to experience as a male. When Mrs Jordy and I first started dating I didn't want to have kids and it was a bit of a tender topic between us at that time as she knew she wanted to have kids one day. As I got a bit older I was no longer against it but felt I wasn't ready.

Now I'm 28 years old and over the last 12 months I've kinda been looking forward to having a mini-me running around that I can play music and go fishing with. We were thinking about trying to fall pregnant later this year but unfortunately my training with my new job isn't going as quickly as I would hope so we may have to re-consider.

Just my XY chromosome perspective here :lol:
 

arkieb1

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I think you need to think about the issue long term, if you never want to have children nothing is broken and that is personal choice, if you are undecided freezing eggs might be an insurance policy for less heartache in the future in case you change your mind late in life, if you never change your mind that is O.K. I don't judge people either way, I had one child very late in life and I was someone who when I was under 35 didn't want children at all. I never had that "urge or light bulb moment" to have children, but my husband always wanted them so in the end it was a compromise.
 

Trekkie

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I didn't want kids because my mother was schizophrenic. I grew up terrified that I would develop schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

By the time I was about 24/25 I realised that if I was schizophrenic it would have presented by then. I breathed a sigh of relief and became open to the idea of having kids.

I know that because of my mother my children have a higher than average risk of developing schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, but I think that if that were to happen, I would be in a better place to manage it than my maternal grandmother (mis)managed my mother's illness. My grandmother came from a very humble background, was not formally educated beyond the age of 13, and grew up in a small town in Africa during a time when mental illness was not very well understood. She thought my mother hearing voices was the ancestors communicating with her and something to be celebrated, not medicated. As a result my mother was largely unmedicated for the second half of her life and to this day my grandmother insists that her daughter wasn't schizophrenic (because schizophrenic = crazy) but bipolar (for some reason that was easier for her to understand). I would like to think that if my child(ren) developed mental illness I would be better prepared.

I think having, or not having, kids is a very personal decision. If you have kids, it's pretty final. You can't undo it. I mean, if you adopt a puppy and decide you don't really want one, you can send it back or rehome it. It's not socially acceptable, but it's possible. If you have a kid, you're pretty stuck with it, so you need to be certain you actually want one before having one.
 

missy

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As others have already written not wanting to have children does not make one broken. It is a wise decision for those who know they don't want children. How many people do we know who actually didn't want children but had them and resent them because of it. There is no right or wrong because it comes down to what is right for you and your SO.

Personally I knew I never wanted children from a very young age. Whereas my sister from a very young age knew she wanted to have children. It's funny how polar opposites we were at that time. When I met my dh he started talking about marriage and children from about the third date. Scared the heck out of me LOL. I clearly stated my thoughts about those topics (never wanted kids and never wanted to get married) and he said he wanted to get married but was unsure about the children issue. He was expecting a desire to have kids to hit him at some point in his 20's or 30's but it never happened and because I did not want kids it was a non issue when we married.

It is critical for you both to be on the same page and that is the only person's whose opinion matters. You and your SO. No one else gets to or should have a say in whether or not you procreate IMO. Goodness knows the world is overpopulated enough so not having children is not a bad thing if you don't want them.

I will add when we made this decision together we got a lot of flak from friends (not so much from family and kudos to my parents for being so cool about this even decades ago before people were as accepting as they are now) and it was annoying. So I get where you are with thinking about being "broken" because all those decades ago that is the vibe some people were giving off when they found out about my/our decision. I think people nowadays are more accepting but I could be wrong. Fortunately I had (and still have) the strength of my convictions and also a strong sense of self and it didn't affect us either way. However it was annoying at times. But I never wavered in my decision. I knew it was *right* for me. I think my dh would have been a great father with another partner but for us as a couple it was the best decision perhaps that we made together. Except for getting married actually because that the best decision ever. That was a decision I had made years ago that I was wrong about and thankfully my dh changed my mind. Best changing of mind decision ever. And so glad I did not change my mind about children. It all worked out for the best for us with both decisions.

My dh and I are now in our 50s and we don't regret the decision for one moment. We love our life and each other and it allows for a different life than if we had children. It was the right and best decision for *us*. Some people think it is selfish not to have children well I think it can be selfish to have them and it just depends on the reasons. As Rhea wrote I have never met anyone who has children out of pure duty. Most of my friends who have children did it because they wanted children and for them it was partly selfish as my and my dh's reasons not to have children has partly selfish reasons behind it too. I like the freedom of just having my dh all to myself to do what we want to do when we want to do it and spend our time enjoying activities we would not have been able to enjoy with children. The list goes on and on for me but suffice it to say I am content and happy with our decision all those years ago and wouldn't have changed a thing.

It can be an amazing wonderful decision either way and I wish you and your SO clarity in making the right decision for you. Children or no children, getting married or not getting married, there is no right or wrong. It always comes down to what the best decision is for each couple and each individual. Children can be a wonderful addition to a family for the right family. Good luck!


ETA: Ha, Mick Jagger at 72 is expecting his 8th child. OK so he is more than making up for some of us and our decision not to have children. :o :cheeky:
 

PierreBear

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Thank you all for sharing. I was very forward before I got married that I wasn't sure this was part of my life story so it was never a deal breaker. However, I know my husband would be a great father so it just would have been nice if I changed my mind on kids. It just has happened yet and I'm sure it has a lot to do with my relationship with my parents. I don't get pressured by parents but plenty of my friends have always said I would be a great mom but I just don't feel "motherly." I love being a cat mom though. Part of me realizes that if I were to have kids, I wouldn't consider a ring upgrade ...but since the funds are there, I feel selfish/materialistic about considering an anniversary present. Anyone else feel convicted about that?
 

LLJsmom

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PierreBear|1468600836|4055764 said:
Thank you all for sharing. I was very forward before I got married that I wasn't sure this was part of my life story so it was never a deal breaker. However, I know my husband would be a great father so it just would have been nice if I changed my mind on kids. It just has happened yet and I'm sure it has a lot to do with my relationship with my parents. I don't get pressured by parents but plenty of my friends have always said I would be a great mom but I just don't feel "motherly." I love being a cat mom though. Part of me realizes that if I were to have kids, I wouldn't consider a ring upgrade ...but since the funds are there, I feel selfish/materialistic about considering an anniversary present. Anyone else feel convicted about that?
If you got an upgrade before having kids, I bet you will be glad you did after you actually have the kids. Cause after you have kids they eat up all the extra funds. My only regret is not upgrading earlier. LOL!! I don't regret doing either. Having kids or upgrading. :D
 

kenny

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Selfishness is good.
We are ALL selfish.

We all chose what we want for ourselves, larger diamond, bigger house, better University, dying with that huge savings account, becoming a nun, donating millions to charity, not having kids, and having kids.
There is no altruism.

Breathing air is selfish.
We all do what's selfish.
That's not just okay, it's good.

All this shame about being selfish is BS brainwashed into us by you know who.
 

missy

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Yes to Kenny's post. I agree being selfish can be good. And I never apologize for not wanting kids and I never apologize for looking out for me and my dh and what suits our needs best.
 

Amber St. Clare

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There's nothing selfish about not wanting children. I wish more people who didn't want to procreate stuck to their guns {horrible expression} and didn't.

I spent a lot of time working with kids and believe me, if the parent didn't want them, they knew. And personally, my sister did not want to have children. ever. She did and made no bones about it, even in actually telling her son she didn't want him and she wonders now, 36 years later, why her son resents her.

Child free is great for those who don't want children. I just wish more people would be honest with themselves and their SOs.
 

anne_h

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I have kids, so can't speak to the experience of not having them... but wanted to share that I totally agree it's a personal decision and there is nothing 'wrong' or 'broken' with anyone who doesn't want them. Also completely agree that all choices are inherently selfish, for one reason or another. That's called being human. :)

Like a few others here, I am someone that likes order, peace and quiet, and plenty of down time when not working. With kids (or at least young ones), this is difficult!! There have been a few days where I regret my choice. Probably normal!

BTW, I have kids, but also earn enough to take care of their needs *and* have splurges for myself. For me that is important - I didn't want to feel that all my earnings go to paying bills and family expenses. Having a healthy personal budget helps me feel balanced and normal.

Good luck with your choices - whatever you decide is perfect and right for *you*!

Anne
 

lovedogs

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This is a tricky topic for me. I've never wanted children--I've just never had the desire to have them. DH respected that when we met, but wanted me to be "open" to my mind changing, which I was/am 100%.

We had a pretty large fight at one point because DH was fearful that he would (at some point) feel a need to have children, and I wouldn't be open to it. For now (he is almost 30, I am 29), I still have no desire for children, and he doesn't know if he ever will want children. But we have decided that we will discuss it seriously if/when either of us really feel like it's "time".

I think part of my hesitation is that I am terrified that I will have to go off of my anxiety medication, which isn't an option. And I had a miserable childhood and don't want to do that to anyone.

I just like our life the way it is. I am thrilled being a dog "mom" for my 2 fur babies, and kind of hope it just stays this way :)
 

kenny

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anne_h|1468677168|4056063 said:
Also completely agree that all choices are inherently selfish, for one reason or another.
That's called being human.
Selfishness is not just a human trait.
All animals and even all plants endeavor to live, even when that results in the end of other life.
Nature abounds with examples.

Selfishness is not called being human.
It's called being alive.
Life itself requires selfishness.
 

House Cat

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kenny|1468822158|4056602 said:
anne_h|1468677168|4056063 said:
Also completely agree that all choices are inherently selfish, for one reason or another.
That's called being human.
Selfishness is not just a human trait.
All animals and even all plants endeavor to live, even when that results in the end of other life.
Nature abounds with examples.

Selfishness is not called being human.
It's called being alive.
Life itself requires selfishness.
I'm not sure you are using the correct term when you use "selfish" for a means for survival, especially when you say things like "breathing is selfish." Breathing is something all people do and they don't do it with any intention of harm to others.

Selfishness implies harm to others. The very word can cause some to recoil.

Here is the definition: lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
"I joined them for selfish reasons"
synonyms: egocentric, egotistic, egotistical, egomaniacal, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-serving, wrapped up in oneself

Self preservation, taking time for the self, needing to be self focused, etc, these are all human nature and there is nothing wrong with any of this.

I am a mother of four kids, two biological and two by marriage. My children are 23, 22, 22, and 11. I have been a mother since I was 19 years old, more than half my life.

What I have to say might be painfully obvious, but when I see the way some people behave with their parenting I know that it isn't, so here it is... To be a parent, a really good parent, and to produce good kids, you have to be COMPLETELY DEVOTED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I really can't stress that enough. And no, I am not one of those weirdo people who has no other interests other than her children, but my kids come first.

When I was younger, I always thought there would be some sort of end to the period of time when my kids wouldn't be so dependent. I thought that by the age of 5, or 8, or surely 12, or 15, they would become much more independent and I would have so much more time to myself and I would become this rockstar of a human and I would do yoga all of the time and go to coffee with my girls and maybe even go out at night. I would take up music again and sing and play piano, maybe even play a few gigs! I would start a blog, go back to school, on and on and on. But with each new stage, new challenges arose. Four kids...two of them actually have health issues, serious health issues. One needs medical procedures all of the time, is pulling a double major in college, works part-time, pushes himself far too hard, gets himself sick, wash, rinse, repeat! Now, maybe I am still ultra focused on my kids because I have an 11 year old. Maybe... once he is in college, things will calm down a bit. I'm not sure. But so far, I have spent the last 22 years of my life with a laser focus on my kids. I have had the tiniest bits of time to myself and I drink those times up! But for someone who needs more time or who would resent not having their time, parenting isn't for them.

I am realistic in knowing that this could be my life for good. I am happy with that. I am happy with that because I am a different kind of "selfish." I love those days when the whole family is home. I love when I can sit back at my giant dining room table and look at my beautiful family when they are laughing and happy and know that my husband and I built this. I know that this family will only grow with grandkids and grandpets! For me, big love with lots of people...that fills me up! :bigsmile:

But I also know that parenting is hard work. Many of my girlfriends are just now starting to have kids. I am the first to tell them to take a break. I am the first to tell them that I understand how hard this is. I watch them struggle to adjust because they have had their entire adulthoods to themselves. It is a HUGE adjustment for them, but they want it. Even with wanting it, it is still the most difficult thing they've ever done.

The worst are the couples who have kids where one of the partners didn't really want kids and the other has forced the issue. I have seen this twice now. The kids are an absolute mess. The partner that forced the issue is full of rage because the other partner didn't come around at the sight of the child. The partner that didn't want kids is full of guilt and becomes withdrawn. The marriage is ruined. The kid is ruined. This is a "don't ever fool yourself" situation. If you ever find that you do want kids and your partner doesn't, leave. If the sitatuation is reversed, leave. This is a situation that requires the purest of honesty. You might love your partner more than anything in the world, but wanting kids is a huge undertaking. A person who doesn't want children will not miraculously want children when they lay eyes on their own kid. We wish it will happen this way, but so far, I have seen that this does not happen. There are many unwanted children living with their biological parents in this world.

There is nothing strange or weird about a person who doesn't want children. I have childless friends in my life and I support them fully because I know how much effort, money, heartache, and fear goes into raising kids. I always thought it was a total jerk move for people to push the decision of having kids onto anyone. That is a personal decision best left to the individual.
 
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    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    June’s Birthstone Trinity
    June’s Birthstone Trinity

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Diamond Eye Candy

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