Having kids - personal question

[marymm]

^ House Cat - I am struck and moved by your extremely well-written post on parenthood - it is beautiful and honest and pragmatic - I wish it could be required reading for every single person on earth.

 

[House Cat]

^ House Cat - I am struck and moved by your extremely well-written post on parenthood - it is beautiful and honest and pragmatic - I wish it could be required reading for every single person on earth.

Thank you. Your words are very kind. <3

 

[OCgirl]

This is a topic I constantly think about... on a daily basis.

I belong to the group that so far I don't feel the maternal instinct. And not sure if I will ever get there.
It's a hard hard road. I've been married for over three years. I can't tell you how often I'm being questioned and/or judged by people. I've been called "selfish" countless times by people who are close to me. There are times that I feel so frustrated that I just want to move away.
My husband initially wanted kids but he has "come around." The first two years were tough for us. He grew up wanting kids. We've had A LOT of conversations about this. Initially he wrote me off like all others. I wanted him to understand that I thought long and hard (and am still thinking) before coming to this conclusion. It wasn't a decision that I made rashly. He has come to understand my reasons and came up with even more on his own. He said before he thought of having kids as the natural progression of life until I told him no, it's a choice you make. It's a lifetime commitment of making sure you try your best to raise a decent human being.

I am actually very offended by the word "selfish" when people talk about people who choose to be childfree. I don't understand how is it any MORE selfish than having kids? I am not trying to turn this into a competition of who's more selfish but yes people who are childfree have more time and money to themselves. In that sense they are more "selfish." But what if you look at this from other aspects? I am big on protecting the environment. Even though I don't think I want kids, I care about this planet and want the future generations to enjoy what we can still enjoy now. A lot of the parents I know (and I'm not saying ALL) are the most environmentally selfish people out there. Diapers, multiple strollers, multiple car seats, closets and closets of clothes and toys for theirs kids... just to mention a few. There are many other examples I can give that parents are totally selfish people.

I also think a lot of women (mothers) out there are giving other childfree women a hard time. I am not sure why that is? I get judged a lot more harshly by women than men. I feel like we (as a gender) need to be kinder to others and respect another woman's decision to not procreate. I have A LOT of respect for mothers. I wouldn't be here if my mom didn't sacrifice her own career to be a stay-at-home mom for her whole life. But I think we live in a society now that we all get to choose what we want to do with our lives. We can all contribute, just in different ways.

 

[kenny]

... I also think a lot of women (mothers) out there are giving other childfree women a hard time.
I am not sure why that is?

I'd guess in some cases it's pure jealousy.

 

[OCgirl]

... I also think a lot of women (mothers) out there are giving other childfree women a hard time.
I am not sure why that is?

I'd guess in some cases it's pure jealousy.

I want to believe people are better than that?
It was your choice. You should be happy with it.
If you aren't, then why are you giving me a hard time for not making the same decision?

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

House cat, thank you for this wonderful post. As someone who grew up not wanting children and who has now ended up with four, soon five I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said.



I just have to add that judgemental people exist everywhere and one shouldn't forget that this is always about their own issues, not about you. When I was not married yet, people kept asking (rudely) when we would get married. When we were married, people kept asking about the first child. After birth one, people asked when we'd give the poor single baby a sibling. Now, when I announced pregnancy number five, people judged me for too many children...See a pattern?

Your life, your choice. As long as it is an informed and conscious, self reflected choice you are making the right one for yourself.

 

[susief]

... I also think a lot of women (mothers) out there are giving other childfree women a hard time.
I am not sure why that is?

I'd guess in some cases it's pure jealousy.

I want to believe people are better than that?
It was your choice. You should be happy with it.
If you aren't, then why are you giving me a hard time for not making the same decision?

I agree jealousy is often at the root of it, but subconsciously rather than explicitly. Many people have children because "it's just what you do", they don't question it and go along with it, and it turns out it is really hard. They can't bear the thought that there WAS another option. So they denigrate your choices to validate their own.

Occasionally the person exhorting you to have children has had a wonderful experience of parenting and honestly believes you will be missing out by not having them... but this is rare I think. Most people who are genuinely happy with their choices don't feel the need to control other people's.

 

[PierreBear]

This is a topic I constantly think about... on a daily basis.

I belong to the group that so far I don't feel the maternal instinct. And not sure if I will ever get there.
It's a hard hard road. I've been married for over three years. I can't tell you how often I'm being questioned and/or judged by people. I've been called "selfish" countless times by people who are close to me. There are times that I feel so frustrated that I just want to move away.
My husband initially wanted kids but he has "come around." The first two years were tough for us. He grew up wanting kids. We've had A LOT of conversations about this. Initially he wrote me off like all others. I wanted him to understand that I thought long and hard (and am still thinking) before coming to this conclusion. It wasn't a decision that I made rashly. He has come to understand my reasons and came up with even more on his own. He said before he thought of having kids as the natural progression of life until I told him no, it's a choice you make. It's a lifetime commitment of making sure you try your best to raise a decent human being.

I am actually very offended by the word "selfish" when people talk about people who choose to be childfree. I don't understand how is it any MORE selfish than having kids? I am not trying to turn this into a competition of who's more selfish but yes people who are childfree have more time and money to themselves. In that sense they are more "selfish." But what if you look at this from other aspects? I am big on protecting the environment. Even though I don't think I want kids, I care about this planet and want the future generations to enjoy what we can still enjoy now. A lot of the parents I know (and I'm not saying ALL) are the most environmentally selfish people out there. Diapers, multiple strollers, multiple car seats, closets and closets of clothes and toys for theirs kids... just to mention a few. There are many other examples I can give that parents are totally selfish people.

I also think a lot of women (mothers) out there are giving other childfree women a hard time. I am not sure why that is? I get judged a lot more harshly by women than men. I feel like we (as a gender) need to be kinder to others and respect another woman's decision to not procreate. I have A LOT of respect for mothers. I wouldn't be here if my mom didn't sacrifice her own career to be a stay-at-home mom for her whole life. But I think we live in a society now that we all get to choose what we want to do with our lives. We can all contribute, just in different ways.

OCgirl - I'm sorry that you feel this way and more importantly that other have made you feel this way. When I started this thread, I knew that it had potential to bring up emotions but really intended it to be an avenue for people to share their views/thoughts/guidance. When I used the word "selfish" in my post, it is really an internal turmoil I personally have. Parents, friends, strangers etc have never made me feel shame but rather in a form of an encouragement... "you can be a good mom if you want to" even though they don't always word it in the best way. haha... For me, I think it can be true but perhaps it is fear that I can't do it as well as I want or perhaps I just don't want to? It's hard for me to know what's truly in my heart. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I pray that you get the support you need to live the life you desire.

 

[OCgirl]

This is a topic I constantly think about... on a daily basis.

I belong to the group that so far I don't feel the maternal instinct. And not sure if I will ever get there.
It's a hard hard road. I've been married for over three years. I can't tell you how often I'm being questioned and/or judged by people. I've been called "selfish" countless times by people who are close to me. There are times that I feel so frustrated that I just want to move away.
My husband initially wanted kids but he has "come around." The first two years were tough for us. He grew up wanting kids. We've had A LOT of conversations about this. Initially he wrote me off like all others. I wanted him to understand that I thought long and hard (and am still thinking) before coming to this conclusion. It wasn't a decision that I made rashly. He has come to understand my reasons and came up with even more on his own. He said before he thought of having kids as the natural progression of life until I told him no, it's a choice you make. It's a lifetime commitment of making sure you try your best to raise a decent human being.

I am actually very offended by the word "selfish" when people talk about people who choose to be childfree. I don't understand how is it any MORE selfish than having kids? I am not trying to turn this into a competition of who's more selfish but yes people who are childfree have more time and money to themselves. In that sense they are more "selfish." But what if you look at this from other aspects? I am big on protecting the environment. Even though I don't think I want kids, I care about this planet and want the future generations to enjoy what we can still enjoy now. A lot of the parents I know (and I'm not saying ALL) are the most environmentally selfish people out there. Diapers, multiple strollers, multiple car seats, closets and closets of clothes and toys for theirs kids... just to mention a few. There are many other examples I can give that parents are totally selfish people.

I also think a lot of women (mothers) out there are giving other childfree women a hard time. I am not sure why that is? I get judged a lot more harshly by women than men. I feel like we (as a gender) need to be kinder to others and respect another woman's decision to not procreate. I have A LOT of respect for mothers. I wouldn't be here if my mom didn't sacrifice her own career to be a stay-at-home mom for her whole life. But I think we live in a society now that we all get to choose what we want to do with our lives. We can all contribute, just in different ways.

OCgirl - I'm sorry that you feel this way and more importantly that other have made you feel this way. When I started this thread, I knew that it had potential to bring up emotions but really intended it to be an avenue for people to share their views/thoughts/guidance. When I used the word "selfish" in my post, it is really an internal turmoil I personally have. Parents, friends, strangers etc have never made me feel shame but rather in a form of an encouragement... "you can be a good mom if you want to" even though they don't always word it in the best way. haha... For me, I think it can be true but perhaps it is fear that I can't do it as well as I want or perhaps I just don't want to? It's hard for me to know what's truly in my heart. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I pray that you get the support you need to live the life you desire.

I am not offended by the comments in this post. I think I'm more offended when people who are close to me judge me so harshly. They should know me better, ya know? I am a very responsible (socially and financially, especially) person. I am not going to have kids just because it is expected of me or it is "part of life." And it was never one of my aspirations. I like to be challenged at school, work. I care about my professional career a lot. I like to travel and see the world. And I am not saying having kids will stop me from doing all those things. But growing up with my mom always there for us I think that's really important for me - being there for my kid(s). I just don't think there is a magic formula to "win it all." We pick and choose our "battles" or "dreams," whichever way you want to look at it. Life is short. I think we are lucky enough to live in a society that we get to decide what's best for us... if all the other peeps can learn to judge less and embrace how we are all different. But I know that's easier said than done.

 

[anne_h]

I personally believe that choosing to have children or not have children are both selfish choices... we are doing or not doing it because that's what *we* want to do. I know some people may disagree, but this is my personal point of view.

I do agree that some people with kids giving those without a hard time do it out of jealousy. Which is totally inappropriate.

I applaud people who choose not to have children - it's a major life change and a lot of work. I completely understand and support that decision!

In my own life, I feel it's healthy to role model for my children that I have a life outside of them and the family... because I hope that for them as well. I feel my job is to educate them enough, and teach them how to learn and think for themselves, so that they can make their own informed decisions (on all topics) as they become independent adults. I heard a great saying once... we're not raising kids, we're raising adults. Which is so true!

Also - I noticed that it seems to be women who get more grief about choosing to not have children, which I find discriminatory and antiquated. Women and men are equally entitled to remain childfree.

My two cents!

Anne

 

[OCgirl]

I personally believe that choosing to have children or not have children are both selfish choices... we are doing or not doing it because that's what *we* want to do. I know some people may disagree, but this is my personal point of view.

I do agree that some people with kids giving those without a hard time do it out of jealousy. Which is totally inappropriate.

I applaud people who choose not to have children - it's a major life change and a lot of work. I completely understand and support that decision!

In my own life, I feel it's healthy to role model for my children that I have a life outside of them and the family... because I hope that for them as well. I feel my job is to educate them enough, and teach them how to learn and think for themselves, so that they can make their own informed decisions (on all topics) as they become independent adults. I heard a great saying once... we're not raising kids, we're raising adults. Which is so true!

Also - I noticed that it seems to be women who get more grief about choosing to not have children, which I find discriminatory and antiquated. Women and men are equally entitled to remain childfree.

My two cents!

Anne

It's refreshing to hear you have such an open and positive view I thank you for that.

I guess growing up I never thought I wanted kids. But I honestly didn't expect the level of backlash.
I know you shouldn't let comments get to you. And I normally don't. But I feel like people are being HIGHLY DISRESPECTFUL when they make comments like these:

#1.
Me: I work hard because I have a family to support.
Coworker: But you don't have kids.
Me: My husband is my family. I also support my parents and my in-laws.
Coworker: That's not a family. A family is a couple with kids.

#2.
Me: I am working late these days and pulling long hours. Trying to get this project done.
Friend: That's nothing. Wait till you have kids.

Comment #1 really hurt my feelings. Part of the reasons I decided not to have kids is that both of my parents and in-laws need our financial support to retire. I'd rather take care of the people who are already here, especially the ones who took care of me when I was young.

I am not trying to turn this thread into a negative one. I think I am trying to say that even in a very liberal state I am personally still facing a lot of criticisms for making the decision to be childfree. I am quite surprised by it, honestly. Not to mention disappointed. I hope we can all work harder to accept others.

Jennifer Aniston published a great post last week. Wheather you like her as an actress or a person or not, she made a lot of good points:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/for-the-record_us_57855586e4b03fc3ee4e626f

 

[sonnyjane]

I personally believe that choosing to have children or not have children are both selfish choices... we are doing or not doing it because that's what *we* want to do. I know some people may disagree, but this is my personal point of view.

I do agree that some people with kids giving those without a hard time do it out of jealousy. Which is totally inappropriate.

I applaud people who choose not to have children - it's a major life change and a lot of work. I completely understand and support that decision!

In my own life, I feel it's healthy to role model for my children that I have a life outside of them and the family... because I hope that for them as well. I feel my job is to educate them enough, and teach them how to learn and think for themselves, so that they can make their own informed decisions (on all topics) as they become independent adults. I heard a great saying once... we're not raising kids, we're raising adults. Which is so true!

Also - I noticed that it seems to be women who get more grief about choosing to not have children, which I find discriminatory and antiquated. Women and men are equally entitled to remain childfree.

My two cents!

Anne

It's refreshing to hear you have such an open and positive view I thank you for that.

I guess growing up I never thought I wanted kids. But I honestly didn't expect the level of backlash.
I know you shouldn't let comments get to you. And I normally don't. But I feel like people are being HIGHLY DISRESPECTFUL when they make comments like these:

#1.
Me: I work hard because I have a family to support.
Coworker: But you don't have kids.
Me: My husband is my family. I also support my parents and my in-laws.
Coworker: That's not a family. A family is a couple with kids.

#2.
Me: I am working late these days and pulling long hours. Trying to get this project done.
Friend: That's nothing. Wait till you have kids.

Fortunately not the company I work for now, but the two companies I worked with previously did not have holidays off - they were 365 days a year. When making schedules for the holiday season, they would schedule me to work Christmas Eve and Day but give me New Year's Day off. THEIR logic was that Christmas should be for families with kids and since I didn't have kids, I probably would be "going out" for NYE so I could have that day off instead. I haven't gone out for NYE in at least a decade and certainly would have liked some Christmas mornings off!

 

[kenny]

... I also think a lot of women (mothers) out there are giving other childfree women a hard time.
I am not sure why that is?

I'd guess in some cases it's pure jealousy.

I want to believe people are better than that?

Some are.
Some aren't.

People vary.
That's why I wrote, " ... in some cases ..."

You wrote, "I want to believe people are better than that"
That does not make room for variation among people.