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Q for those... "i don't want children PSers"...

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 3, 2004
Messages
32,131
any chance of you/hubby regretting the decision later on in life when its too late to have kids?

most PSers are in their 20's-30's,it is all FUN,FUN,FUN for now,but as you get older into your golden years would you still feel the same w/o children and grandchildren?
 

Gothgrrl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 27, 2006
Messages
1,671
No. I was pretty much set on what I wanted in life. And when hubby and I get old, we'll make my neice take care of us. :naughty:
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
Obviously people who don't want kids don't think they'll regret their decision. If they did think they'd regret it, chances are they'd have kids!
 

Miss Sparkly

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
1,664
I would rather regret NOT having children then regret having them
 

AGBF

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jan 26, 2003
Messages
21,587
Dancing Fire|1305332384|2921264 said:
any chance of you/hubby regretting the decision later on in life when its too late to have kids?

Dancing Fire-

I am getting worried about you. Over the years you have asked a lot of questions that have made people wonder if you had bats in your belfry, but I always defended you. I must say that I am beginning to wonder about your sanity now, however. Or is it merely your reasoning power that has been compromised?

How is one supposed to know if he might, in the future, regret a decision he makes now?

Your friend,
Deb
:saint:
 

ForteKitty

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
4,587
I plan of offing myself when it stops being fun, so i wont need kids.
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
having kids doesn't mean they'll take care of you. in this economy they'll be lucky to care for themselves and their own children.....

MoZo
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,397
movie zombie|1305336676|2921343 said:
having kids doesn't mean they'll take care of you. in this economy they'll be lucky to care for themselves and their own children.....

MoZo
Isn't that the truth!
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 3, 2004
Messages
32,131
AGBF|1305333787|2921299 said:
Dancing Fire|1305332384|2921264 said:
any chance of you/hubby regretting the decision later on in life when its too late to have kids?

Dancing Fire-

I am getting worried about you. Over the years you have asked a lot of questions that have made people wonder if you had bats in your belfry, but I always defended you. I must say that I am beginning to wonder about your sanity now, however. Or is it merely your reasoning power that has been compromised?

How is one supposed to know if he might, in the future, regret a decision he makes now?

Your friend,
Deb
:saint:
:wacko: :lol:
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
Sparkly Blonde|1305333329|2921285 said:
I would rather regret NOT having children then regret having them

could not agree MORE with this statement.


as for regretting not having kids- my sister and my FI's siblings plan on popping out many children. I think we can be just as fulfilled with neices and nephew.
 

texaskj

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 31, 2010
Messages
1,196
Not just no,
HELL NO
I decided when I was 14 I didn't want kids and 30-some years later I have never regretted it for one single second.
People who have kids thinking they will take care of them in their old age are morons.
 

yssie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 14, 2009
Messages
20,775
texaskj|1305340017|2921388 said:
People who have kids thinking they will take care of them in their old age are morons.

Or from really any part of Asia ;))
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Dancing Fire|1305332384|2921264 said:
any chance of you/hubby regretting the decision later on in life when its too late to have kids?

most PSers are in their 20's-30's,it is all FUN,FUN,FUN for now,but as you get older into your golden years would you still feel the same w/o children and grandchildren?
Yes, that was a huge part of the reason that we ultimately decided to have a child. Not that we expect her to look after us etc but we felt we would be sad not to have the enjoyment that children and potential grand-children can bring. (We waited till our late-30's to have a baby - in my 20's I swore blind that I wouldn't have kids and was 150% on board with that plan.)
 

y2kitty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
1,770
junebug17|1305337049|2921353 said:
movie zombie|1305336676|2921343 said:
having kids doesn't mean they'll take care of you. in this economy they'll be lucky to care for themselves and their own children.....

MoZo
Isn't that the truth!
My mom tells me if I don't have kids there will be nobody to take care of me. Yet an old man lives in my condo complex, his grand daughter lives in another unit, and he often needs my assistance for things. There are no guarantees in life.
 

Miss Sparkly

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
1,664
If for some reason I do want a child, then I can adopt. If I can't afford to adopt then I couldn't afford to have my own baby anyway. The other reason I wouldn't have my own baby is the history of hormonal problems after having a child that runs in my family. It's not worth ending up on a drug cocktail just to try to be normal again after having one.

I also plan on taking after my grandmother on my dads side when I get old. Living it up in sunny LA with her little red sports car, fru fru dog and daily tea or brunch meetings :bigsmile:
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Apr 30, 2005
Messages
28,719
Sparkly Blonde|1305386031|2921700 said:
If for some reason I do want a child, then I can adopt. If I can't afford to adopt then I couldn't afford to have my own baby anyway. The other reason I wouldn't have my own baby is the history of hormonal problems after having a child that runs in my family. It's not worth ending up on a drug cocktail just to try to be normal again after having one.

I also plan on taking after my grandmother on my dads side when I get old. Living it up in sunny LA with her little red sports car, fru fru dog and daily tea or brunch meetings :bigsmile:
Why wait?
I do that NOW! :sun: :sun: :sun:

To address DF's question...
My partner does want kids and when we met I told him I firmly that I didn't when met.
I told him this won't work if you insist on being a parent.
He stayed and other than that these 10 years have been pretty good.

Also I'll add kids MUST be wanted by BOTH parents.
If I were to give in to my SO and have kids (adopt) it would not be fair to the kid.

Next, I had crappy parents and am pretty sure I'd be one too.
IMHO, trusting my gut on that is a good thing.
People who feel this way should not give in to social pressure to have kids and shouldn't have to explain the gory details of their childhood to anyone.
Too many kids are brought up poorly, or worse.
Lots of horrible horrible things, emotional and physical, happen to children in the sacred privacy of home and family.
 

Fed

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 7, 2007
Messages
11
Long time lurker here...

I think that your question makes a few very big assumptions.

One, that people only choose not to have children because they want to have fun. This ignores the reason that they don't like children, don't get children, don't relate to children, want to concentrate on their carriers, etc. (which is a combination of my reasons).

Two, as a corollary to my first point, that simply because someone gets older their opinion about not wanting children will change. This assumes that kids are just a fun thing to do for everyone. If someone makes a decision in their 20's or 30's that they don't want kids because they don't like them. They will not suddenly start liking them when they are 50.

Personally, when someone asks me "What happens if you change you're mind when you're older?" I respond, "What happens if you change your mind and no longer like your kids when you're older?" I actually have a number of friends who no longer like their kids. One has given over child rearing to her ex-husband because she doesn't like being a mother and doesn't want to deal with them. Another leaves her kid with her parents as much as possible because being a mother isn't what she thought it would be.
 

HollyS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2007
Messages
6,099
DF, I did not choose to be childless. I chose not to have a child out of wedlock, or adopt as a single mother.

By the time I was married, at 47, I did not want to have a baby at that age, and spend ridulous sums of money (already put away for retirement) into my golden years raising a child to adulthood.

Do I regret that I didn't have the opportunity for the 'nuclear' family earlier in life? Once in a great while.

But, I know women who put far too much importance on defining themselves as a mother first. As if they never existed before the child(ren). I have one friend who will be absolutely lost, with no hope of normalcy, with not a shred of a life left, if she ever loses her now grown son - - whether he dies, drifts further away, puts his family first - - whatever. She may be an extreme case, but I wonder. . . is she? She can't let go. Lots of mommies are the same way. And it doesn't really look that attractive when you're outside looking in, like me.
 

nfowife

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 15, 2011
Messages
544
I think if someone decides not to have kids, that's great. It's not for everyone. And it's a huge, possibly lifetime commitment and responsibility.

BUT I always think it's interesting when those who don't have children comment about how they are annoyed by those who act as though their children are the center of the universe or revolve their lives around them (obviously with older children there is a problem there). I don't think someone can really, truly, "get" the connection a parent has to their child until they experience it with their own child. At least, I and my friends comment regularly about how until you experience it you just don't understand it. Of course, we all have very young children right now and are in the thick of it. I hope when mine are grown I am back to having more of my own life apart from them. But my connection to them will always be there no matter how old they get.
 

HollyS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2007
Messages
6,099
nfowife|1305394372|2921777 said:
I think if someone decides not to have kids, that's great. It's not for everyone. And it's a huge, possibly lifetime commitment and responsibility.

BUT I always think it's interesting when those who don't have children comment about how they are annoyed by those who act as though their children are the center of the universe or revolve their lives around them (obviously with older children there is a problem there). I don't think someone can really, truly, "get" the connection a parent has to their child until they experience it with their own child. At least, I and my friends comment regularly about how until you experience it you just don't understand it. Of course, we all have very young children right now and are in the thick of it. I hope when mine are grown I am back to having more of my own life apart from them. But my connection to them will always be there no matter how old they get.


My friend will not let go, emotionally. She has put up mental blocks against being fully into a relationship, taking the next step, really moving forward with her SO - - because she cannot let go of her (now 29yr old) son. In the back of her mind, she wants to be able to leave her life here and go wherever he may be, if he asks her to come. She couldn't do that if she were in a marriage; and that has caused irrevocable damage to her relationship. What man would want to be Number Two?

My point was not about how tied/connected women feel to small, underage children. My point was about carrying that relationship into their adult years with the same intensity and focus. Every mother's job is to raise a child to not need her. It's a tough assignment, but it must be done. . . for the chlld and the mother.
 

ksinger

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Jan 30, 2008
Messages
5,078
We have fleeting moments of "Gee, wish we could have..", because we are utterly in agreement about how children should be raised: we would have been a great team in that regard, but for remaining 99.9999% of the time, no regrets. We married too late for that, that boat has sailed and there's no point whining or obsessing over it.
 

AGBF

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Jan 26, 2003
Messages
21,587
One of the themes discussed in this thread, the parents' task of helping children to become independent (there is a saying that parents should give children "roots and wings"), is bound to the notion of marital satisfaction. If children cannot become idependent, eventually, as Holly pointed out, many men (and many women) cannot bear the burden forever. But for most men it is-or seems to be-particularly hard. They seem to need their wives' attention!

That leaves us with the question: what do you do if you have a disabled child?

Having a disabled child puts a strain on many marriages. Most people do not expect to have disabled children and are not emotionally ready to care for them, whether the disability is physical, mental, or emotional. Having a disabled child puts a lot of strain on marriages. The book-for young readers-Welcome Home, Jellybean-a very touching story of a teenage girl brought home by her parents and brother after having spent her life in an institution, shows the strain on all family members. While it is told through the eyes of the young brother, the story line has the parents' marriage, very realistically, break up.

Often the mother is left with with a disabled child and the father leaves. A couple simply cannot take the stress of handling that child.

Deb/AGBF
:read:
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
HollyS|1305392262|2921754 said:
But, I know women who put far too much importance on defining themselves as a mother first. As if they never existed before the child(ren). I have one friend who will be absolutely lost, with no hope of normalcy, with not a shred of a life left, if she ever loses her now grown son - - whether he dies, drifts further away, puts his family first - - whatever. She may be an extreme case, but I wonder. . . is she? She can't let go. Lots of mommies are the same way. And it doesn't really look that attractive when you're outside looking in, like me.
I had sort of the opposite issue...I spent so much time defining myself as a person first, I had a difficult time when I became a mother because it's so engrossing those early years that I really didn't like that it overtook my life!

I know it sounds weird, but I still kind of see myself as a woman with a kid, instead of a mom some days.
 

sirbenson

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 12, 2010
Messages
229
Fed|1305391046|2921743 said:
Personally, when someone asks me "What happens if you change you're mind when you're older?" I respond, "What happens if you change your mind and no longer like your kids when you're older?" I actually have a number of friends who no longer like their kids. One has given over child rearing to her ex-husband because she doesn't like being a mother and doesn't want to deal with them. Another leaves her kid with her parents as much as possible because being a mother isn't what she thought it would be.
I agree witht he bolded part :)

When I tell people that my fiance and I have no interest or intention to have kids, they often say...."you'll change your mind, you'll see. you'll change your mind when you're married." My reply is often (to the people that say this that have kids)...."Um, why would I change my mind? Are YOU going to change your mind about wanting kids in the future and not like/want your kids anymore?" They'll usually look at me like I'm from another planet as if its SOOOO abusrd that I could be so sure about not wanting kids even though they are so sure about wanting them. I don't understand why people don't understand the fact that people can be sure about completely opposite things.
 

Gothgrrl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 27, 2006
Messages
1,671
Hey DF, we're having fun in our 40 & 50's. FunFunFun......I can't wait till I'm 60! I want to be looking like Helen Mirren!
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
Would YOU want a parent who didn't really want kids but had you ANYWAY just because they were afraid they'd regret NOT having a kid?
 

Asu

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2008
Messages
224
I'm on the opposite side.I desperately want kids,but my husband can't have them naturally.We are going through the treatments for insemination right now.We are just 25.Sometimes I wish with every inch of my being to being able to NOT wanting kids,so maybe this pain would go away.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Apr 3, 2004
Messages
32,131
decodelighted|1305516812|2922783 said:
Would YOU want a parent who didn't really want kids but had you ANYWAY just because they were afraid they'd regret NOT having a kid?
of course...or else i wouldn't be here... :tongue:
 

happybear

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 8, 2011
Messages
302
Asu|1305521111|2922813 said:
I'm on the opposite side.I desperately want kids,but my husband can't have them naturally.We are going through the treatments for insemination right now.We are just 25.Sometimes I wish with every inch of my being to being able to NOT wanting kids,so maybe this pain would go away.
Oh Asu, so sorry to hear your situation. Medical technology is rather advanced now and you two are still young, so all is not lost. Oh, and you can still adopt at the end of the day.

As for me, I agree with Kenny. Both parents must want to have kids before they actually have one, and although I do not mind bringing up a child, my FI (DH in a month) has told me he does not wish to have any, and I agree with his decision. Simple as that.
 

April20

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 1, 2008
Messages
3,312
When my husband and I started dating, he made it quite clear in the very beginning that he didn't want to have kids. I was, and am, very ambivalent. Not going to die if I have them, not going to die if I do. I was perfectly fine in jumping into the "no kids" camp and we've never regretted it. There are things in life we want to do and are pursuing that just don't fit in with raising a family. Add to that, at the age we're at, having a child at this stage would really negate everything we've worked towards as we'll really be too old to pursue these things once a child (or children) were raised.

I have two young nieces that I love to pieces. But they wear me out and I love handing them back to their parents. That's enough kid exposure for me.
 
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