Q for those... "i don't want children PSers"...

[TravelingGal]

When my husband and I started dating, he made it quite clear in the very beginning that he didn't want to have kids. I was, and am, very ambivalent. Not going to die if I have them, not going to die if I do. I was perfectly fine in jumping into the "no kids" camp and we've never regretted it. There are things in life we want to do and are pursuing that just don't fit in with raising a family. Add to that, at the age we're at, having a child at this stage would really negate everything we've worked towards as we'll really be too old to pursue these things once a child (or children) were raised.

I have two young nieces that I love to pieces. But they wear me out and I love handing them back to their parents. That's enough kid exposure for me.

yeah, the bummer is when they're you're own, you STILL want to hand them back to someone. That's why parents sometimes play a game of hot potato with their kids. "You take them. No, YOU take them!" I think my own took up gardening so he could escape the house, while still doing something "productive."

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I always wanted kids, really did and I can say the same for my husband. But, it's been a struggle to have a baby. In the time my husband and I have been trying, we've also been discussing NOT having children. It started off as a soothing technique for us, but grew into a plan B. Blessing if we have one, not the end of the world if we don't. Once we took the pressure off "need" and started to enjoy our lives as-is a lot of the pain and sadness disappeared for us and I welcomed that.

If I do get pregnant and carry to term one day, I would be beyond thankful and love being a mom to bits. But if that never happens I'll never regret not trying harder. There is a lot of joy in life both inside parenthood and outside of parenthood.

 

[soocool]

I have a few friends who never had nor wanted kids. They are in their 50s and 60s . A couple of these friends really do not like kids and always wanted DH and me to do stuff with them without DD, like going on vacation. We always declined, but would go to the movies or out to dinner with them without DD. They would never come over to dinner, because, of course, DD would be here. They just did not like kids.

Now I have other friends who were always perfectly fine with DD coming along. In fact, I have one friend who did not want kids and she and her husband have always taken DD out with them to the zoo, Chuckie Cheese's, NYC to go ice skating in Rockerfeller Center, etc. They are taking her to Bermuda with them next month as a high school graduation present. Her decision not to have kids was because she was insecure in her ability to be a good mother and raising a good kid. I think she and her DH have great satisfaction in knowing that they have had a positive impact on my DD's life.

 

[Amys Bling]

One of the themes discussed in this thread, the parents' task of helping children to become independent (there is a saying that parents should give children "roots and wings"), is bound to the notion of marital satisfaction. If children cannot become idependent, eventually, as Holly pointed out, many men (and many women) cannot bear the burden forever. But for most men it is-or seems to be-particularly hard. They seem to need their wives' attention!

That leaves us with the question: what do you do if you have a disabled child?

Having a disabled child puts a strain on many marriages. Most people do not expect to have disabled children and are not emotionally ready to care for them, whether the disability is physical, mental, or emotional. Having a disabled child puts a lot of strain on marriages. The book-for young readers-Welcome Home, Jellybean-a very touching story of a teenage girl brought home by her parents and brother after having spent her life in an institution, shows the strain on all family members. While it is told through the eyes of the young brother, the story line has the parents' marriage, very realistically, break up.

Often the mother is left with with a disabled child and the father leaves. A couple simply cannot take the stress of handling that child.

Deb/AGBF

maybe part of my hesitation of having children is that I work in special education- and I see this ALL THE TIME! It's really sad.

 

[jstarfireb]

I have no way of knowing now if I'll regret my decision in the future. How can one know that without time travel or ESP?

But I plan on taking care of my health well enough that hopefully I won't need someone to take care of me in old age. And if I do, I'll check myself into a nursing home.

 

[MagsyMay]

Great thread. I'm probably not "old" enough to be able to speak to it yet, but I do not believe I will regret it. The idea that I'll want kids in older age/later in my life to take care of me seems so disturbingly selfish. If that's why people who are "on the fence" choose to have children, I worry for those kids.

I hope never to put anyone through what my grandparents have put my own parents through as far as taking care of them in their old age and just about ruining their 35-year marriage (still TBD, there's 1 parent left and she is going strong on that mission alone, part of me believes). I would NEVER, ever want to do that to my child, whether they loved me or not, accepted the duty willingly or begrudgingly, I just could not do that. And we won't. And when I'm old and have no one to care for me, and end up in a nursing home or like facility, so be it. Those people are at least paid (and some actually enjoy their jobs and enjoy speaking and visiting with you, unlike some ungrateful, selfish horrible adult children, including a certain relative of mine, that I know).

 

[AGBF]

One of the themes discussed in this thread, the parents' task of helping children to become independent (there is a saying that parents should give children "roots and wings"), is bound to the notion of marital satisfaction. If children cannot become idependent, eventually, as Holly pointed out, many men (and many women) cannot bear the burden forever. But for most men it is-or seems to be-particularly hard. They seem to need their wives' attention!

That leaves us with the question: what do you do if you have a disabled child?

Having a disabled child puts a strain on many marriages. Most people do not expect to have disabled children and are not emotionally ready to care for them, whether the disability is physical, mental, or emotional. Having a disabled child puts a lot of strain on marriages. The book-for young readers-Welcome Home, Jellybean-a very touching story of a teenage girl brought home by her parents and brother after having spent her life in an institution, shows the strain on all family members. While it is told through the eyes of the young brother, the story line has the parents' marriage, very realistically, break up.

Often the mother is left with with a disabled child and the father leaves. A couple simply cannot take the stress of handling that child.

maybe part of my hesitation of having children is that I work in special education- and I see this ALL THE TIME! It's really sad.

Amys Bling-

I hadn't seen your response. Having this thread come to the top of Hangout again allowed me to see it. I, too, have seen this happen among friends...and now I am living it. My marriage was already fractured, but the thing that broke it was our daughter's mental illness and my husband's inability to cope with it. If he couldn't make it disappear, he wanted her to disappear. He would always have some wild explanation about how I caused he illness or was prolonging it , but the reality was that it was something visited on her that she didn't ask for and that, so far, has no cure. When he says, "put her in an asylum", I don't know where he thinks that might be! Bedlam was closed a number of years ago. There are no hospitals with long-term psychiatric treatment anymore, even if that would work! I think that when you have children you had better be ready for anything!

Deb/AGBF


Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

 

[Imdanny]

Not just no,
HELL NO
I decided when I was 14 I didn't want kids and 30-some years later I have never regretted it for one single second.

I hear you.

Many people who have children assume everyone must want to have them too.

Listen up, people, NO, NO, NO. A thousand times NO.

"I just can't believe you don't want to have children- do you think you'll REGRET it one day?"

Get it through your heads, people, some of us don't want children. It's not that we're ambivalent, it's not that we're going to "regret" it. We DON'T WANT THEM, PERIOD.

 

[AGBF]

Not just no,
HELL NO
I decided when I was 14 I didn't want kids and 30-some years later I have never regretted it for one single second.

I hear you.

Many people who have children assume everyone must want to have them too.

Listen up, people, NO, NO, NO. A thousand times NO.

"I just can't believe you don't want to have children- do you think you'll REGRET it one day?"

Get it through your heads, people, some of us don't want children. It's not that we're ambivalent, it's not that we're going to "regret" it. We DON'T WANT THEM, PERIOD.

But are you sure?

Deb

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I think if someone decides not to have kids, that's great. It's not for everyone. And it's a huge, possibly lifetime commitment and responsibility.

BUT I always think it's interesting when those who don't have children comment about how they are annoyed by those who act as though their children are the center of the universe or revolve their lives around them (obviously with older children there is a problem there). I don't think someone can really, truly, "get" the connection a parent has to their child until they experience it with their own child. At least, I and my friends comment regularly about how until you experience it you just don't understand it. Of course, we all have very young children right now and are in the thick of it. I hope when mine are grown I am back to having more of my own life apart from them. But my connection to them will always be there no matter how old they get.

Yes! This!

I was in the HELL NO camp for a long, long, long time. Even when I was a child myself I didn't like children. When I married a practicing Catholic at age 22 I make it clear that I did NOT want children. Well, guess what? I changed my mind. When I was 25. It was very strange because it was like I woke up one morning and just felt like I was ready to have a child. Not just a cute, squishy newborn. But a child. My husband has always loved children, and truly is a kid magnet (you know the type) and he was thrilled when I came to him and we started discussing having a family. It wasn't long before I was pregnant. I had my son at 26, my daughter at 28 and now we're done.

Being a parent is an experience that one cannot possibly understand until one has their own children. Even close nieces and nephews (etc.) are different than your own children. It is so cliche but it truly is different when it's your own kids.

That said, I think it's fine if one decides to not have children. Parenting is not for everyone and it is a lifetime commitment, barring extreme situations. Even if a parent and child become estranged, you are still connected and may even feel some duty to one another.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I think if someone decides not to have kids, that's great. It's not for everyone. And it's a huge, possibly lifetime commitment and responsibility.

BUT I always think it's interesting when those who don't have children comment about how they are annoyed by those who act as though their children are the center of the universe or revolve their lives around them (obviously with older children there is a problem there). I don't think someone can really, truly, "get" the connection a parent has to their child until they experience it with their own child. At least, I and my friends comment regularly about how until you experience it you just don't understand it. Of course, we all have very young children right now and are in the thick of it. I hope when mine are grown I am back to having more of my own life apart from them. But my connection to them will always be there no matter how old they get.

Yes! This!

I was in the HELL NO camp for a long, long, long time. Even when I was a child myself I didn't like children. When I married a practicing Catholic at age 22 I make it clear that I did NOT want children. Well, guess what? I changed my mind. When I was 25. It was very strange because it was like I woke up one morning and just felt like I was ready to have a child. Not just a cute, squishy newborn. But a child. My husband has always loved children, and truly is a kid magnet (you know the type) and he was thrilled when I came to him and we started discussing having a family. It wasn't long before I was pregnant. I had my son at 26, my daughter at 28 and now we're done.

Being a parent is an experience that one cannot possibly understand until one has their own children. Even close nieces and nephews (etc.) are different than your own children. It is so cliche but it truly is different when it's your own kids.

That said, I think it's fine if one decides to not have children. Parenting is not for everyone and it is a lifetime commitment, barring extreme situations. Even if a parent and child become estranged, you are still connected and may even feel some duty to one another.