Your opinions on gift-giving for weddings (cash, registries etc)?

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

I read this old thread while browsing Hangout that concluded that most people would like to receive cash as a gift, generally. However a lot of wedding guides state that in some parts of the world at least, giving cash is tacky, and one should basically buy an item off a registry for the couple.

Personally I would want to both give and receive cash for its max practical use. I am not married yet but I don’t think I would do a physical gift registry whenever I do get married - I don’t need more “stuff” and I also prefer to have options of what “stuff” to buy from different stores etc. I might do an “experience” based registry (like a honeymoon registry) and/or a charitable donation registry, but I know some people will still give me physical gifts I won’t ask for (hopefully usable ones!)

So my questions to facilitate a fun discussion here:

- does your choice change depending on if you’re the giver or recipient?
- is there any one gifting option you really dislike? Why?
- if there’s no registry at all, would you prefer doing cash, gift cards or a physical gift you pick out yourself?
- do you form an opinion of a couple based on their choices of registry etc (whether to have one, what type of one) or are you indifferent?
- if you’re married, how did you handle this and do you wish you’d done this differently?
- do you think a couple should make their policy on gifting clear or rely on word of mouth? And how would you suggest others t go about it / how did you go about it?

 

[Bron357]

Ive been to weddings where you paid for your own food and drinks in lieu of gifts.
ive been to weddings where the “instruction” was to gift an envelope enclosing cash upon entering the reception aka Wishing Well
ive been to weddings where a gift to one of their chosen charities would be welcomed (loved the add on note that said “it’s tax deductible so please feel free to give more”)
ive been invited to a wedding where apparently nothing on the gift registry was under $200 and the remaining choices when I looked started at $500! We were able to regretfully decline that invite due to other commitments. I know for a fact that another couple, waitlisted I guess, got an invite after we declined and yet the Bride commented to me afterwards “I might have thought you’d still send us a gift even though you couldn’t come”.
All that said, I appreciate that many people want to give a gift. For our wedding we had a choice of Charities if any one wanted to give us anything. At our ages and point in life we wanted for little while many others want for much. I still got some gifts though.

 

[stracci2000]

Are people still getting married?

 

[dk168]

My default wedding present is a sterling silver photo frame, size and value dependent upon how well I know one or both of the couple.

DK

 

[maryjane04]

I think it's kinda different these days as most couples live together and have a lot of these home appliances etc already. That said we eloped and the friends that wanted to join us came and paid for their own travel so that in itself was the best gift already.

For most weddings I attend I give cash, probably that's also an asian thing as well. You usually cover your per head cost of the reception and maybe a bit extra.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

My default wedding present is a sterling silver photo frame, size and value dependent upon how well I know one or both of the couple.

DK

My parents do this as well! I guess if someone has to give me a physical gift something like this (which is decorative but not too big and regiftable if I really don’t want it) is a nice choice

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

Ive been to weddings where you paid for your own food and drinks in lieu of gifts.
ive been to weddings where the “instruction” was to gift an envelope enclosing cash upon entering the reception aka Wishing Well
ive been to weddings where a gift to one of their chosen charities would be welcomed (loved the add on note that said “it’s tax deductible so please feel free to give more”)
ive been invited to a wedding where apparently nothing on the gift registry was under $200 and the remaining choices when I looked started at $500! We were able to regretfully decline that invite due to other commitments. I know for a fact that another couple, waitlisted I guess, got an invite after we declined and yet the Bride commented to me afterwards “I might have thought you’d still send us a gift even though you couldn’t come”.
All that said, I appreciate that many people want to give a gift. For our wedding we had a choice of Charities if any one wanted to give us anything. At our ages and point in life we wanted for little while many others want for much. I still got some gifts though.

Great point about how gift giving can sometimes also be about the giver, and it’s a nice feeling to give. I really like the idea of the choice of charities. It’s something I’m actively considering as well.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

Are people still getting married?

Haha any excuse to get dressed up and party with family and friends! (Corona not invited!)

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

@maryjane04 i can’t seem to quote your comment. But I totally agree with your point about how people move in and live together before the wedding fairly commonly these days and so they don’t really need “stuff”.

 

[kenny]

I don't attend weddings/holiday gatherings/funerals/birthdays/christenings/graduations/anniversaries etc
Nor do I give gifts for any of the events society intimidates us into spending money for, birthdays, V-Day, Mom or Dad Day, that big stupid December scam, etc.

But any random day of the year when the opportunity/thought presents itself I give thoughtfully/kindly/generously to those about whom I care.
It could be spacial bread I bake, a song I wrote, or something cheap or something expensive I buy.

It's the thought that counts - and the person to person meaning.

 

[seaurchin]

If there's a registry with something in my price range, I usually just get that.

But as far as a couple "making their policy on gift giving clear," that's the sort of thing I don't like.

Where I'm from anyway, you're technically not supposed to expect a gift in the first place, just your guests' company at your marriage. So anything that looks like telling guests how to handle the gift-giving, even if to donate to a charity or not give a gift, would not be polite. You'd only give a not-too-prominently placed suggestion.

Also old school is that hosts pay, not guests. But if all the hosts provide is pizza in the park or cake and ice cream in the church basement, that's fine.

Of course, how it usually goes in practice is that the couple (or their parents) pay for everything and get some of the cost back in gifts/money from the guests. But making it too obviously transactional doesn't seem quite nice to me. Btw, the nicest weddings I've been to have been small, cozy, informal events at people's homes.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

If there's a registry with something in my price range, I usually just get that.

But as far as a couple "making their policy on gift giving clear," that's the sort of thing I don't like.

Where I'm from anyway, you're technically not supposed to expect a gift in the first place, just your guests' company at your marriage. Even seeming too interested in what people might give you would not be polite. So anything that looks like telling them what to do, even if to donate to a charity or to not give any gifts, would not be polite. You'd only give a not-too-prominently placed suggestion.

Also old school is that hosts pay, not guests. But if all the hosts can afford is pizza in the park or cake and ice cream in the church basement, that's fine.

Of course, how it usually goes in practice is that the couple (or their parents) pay for everything and get some of the cost back in gifts/money from the guests. But making it too obviously transactional doesn't seem quite nice to me. The nicest weddings I've been to have been small, cozy, informal events at people's homes.

I get you on the “making policy clear” thing - seems gift-grabby to me as well. Though this is why I usually tend towards giving cash since I figure that’s the safest way (but then I’m afraid to offend so I check with someone else usually!) culturally cash is considered pretty much the default gift where I’m from so I’m safe mostly on that front. I do agree that your gifts are basically a bonus - you shouldn’t expect the wedding gift to help you meet costs or break even or get ahead.

I do wonder though - how do you then find out about a registry or something if the couple doesn’t tell you themselves? Or in your eyes, what’s the most tactful way for a couple to put that suggestion across?

 

[seaurchin]

I do wonder though - how do you then find out about a registry or something if the couple doesn’t tell you themselves? Or in your eyes, what’s the most tactful way for a couple to put that suggestion across?

It used to be that the guests would just ask someone in the family where the couple was registered or what they needed. But nowadays I see a lot of "wedding sites" online where the couple has pics of themselves, a cute story about how they met, where they're registered and etc.

 

[missy]

I have not read any of the replies yet. We always give cash. In our social circles that is the customary gift and always appreciated by couples. That way they can use the money any way they wish and IMO a gift is for the recipient not the giver so as the giver I try to give a gift the recipient wants. And if the recipient wants cash that is what they get. If they express they prefer a non cash gift then that is what they get. As I said IMO a gift is for the person you are giving it to and has nothing to do with the giver's preferences or wishes.

 

[missy]

So my questions to facilitate a fun discussion here:

- does your choice change depending on if you’re the giver or recipient?
- is there any one gifting option you really dislike? Why?
- if there’s no registry at all, would you prefer doing cash, gift cards or a physical gift you pick out yourself?
- do you form an opinion of a couple based on their choices of registry etc (whether to have one, what type of one) or are you indifferent?
- if you’re married, how did you handle this and do you wish you’d done this differently?
- do you think a couple should make their policy on gifting clear or rely on word of mouth? And how would you suggest others t go about it / how did you go about it?

OK forgot to answer your specific questions.

1. Yes my choice depends on what the recipient wants. What do I want? Depends on the giver and what I would like at the time. There is no right or wrong when it comes to gifts. It depends on the specific circumstances and what the recipient would like to get. A gift is for the recipient and should reflect (IMO) their wishes.

2. Not at all. See above.

3. Depends on what the recipient asks for and I would ask them what they want if there was no registry or they didn't make their choice for cash or physical gift clear.

4. No.

5. I didn't have a registry for my wedding. Cash was and still is customary as a wedding gift in my social circles in NYC.

6. It helps if the couple is clear about what they want. Win win for everyone IMO.
With our wedding most everyone gave cash as it was customary to do. The only people who didn't know was my in-law family. Greg's mom and bothers as they are not in our social circles and are not from NYC. They asked my DH and he told them. I think they were shocked (haha) but they did give us cash.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

I have not read any of the replies yet. We always give cash. In our social circles that is the customary gift and always appreciated by couples. That way they can use the money any way they wish and IMO a gift is for the recipient not the giver so as the giver I try to give a gift the recipient wants. And if the recipient wants cash that is what they get. If they express they prefer a non cash gift then that is what they get. As I said IMO a gift is for the person you are giving it to and has nothing to do with the giver's preferences or wishes.

OK forgot to answer your specific questions.

1. Yes my choice depends on what the recipient wants. What do I want? Depends on the giver and what I would like at the time. There is no right or wrong when it comes to gifts. It depends on the specific circumstances and what the recipient would like to get. A gift is for the recipient and should reflect (IMO) their wishes.

2. Not at all. See above.

3. Depends on what the recipient asks for and I would ask them what they want if there was no registry or they didn't make their choice for cash or physical gift clear.

4. No.

5. I didn't have a registry for my wedding. Cash was and still is customary as a wedding gift in my social circles in NYC.

6. It helps if the couple is clear about what they want. Win win for everyone IMO.
With our wedding most everyone gave cash as it was customary to do. The only people who didn't know was my in-law family. Greg's mom and bothers as they are not in our social circles and are not from NYC. They asked my DH and he told them. I think they were shocked (haha) but they did give us cash.

Thanks for your super detailed answer, @missy! I think we think quite similarly about gift giving should mostly be about the recipient not the giver though I do think it’s also about the joy of giving for a giver- but in that case you should still be happy to give what the other wants to receive. For example for a friend’s wedding a mutual friend of ours really wanted to give the guy a coffee machine - the mutual friend is a big coffee drinker and the groom apparently once remarked that he had a cool coffee machine. The groom doesn’t drink coffee, and did not have a registry but the mutual friend was hell-bent I’m giving him a coffee machine. I even pointed out that the man doesn’t drink coffee and got the response “so what, a coffee machine is an essential thing for the house” - maybe if you drink coffee it is but not otherwise

I do think making it clear can sometimes come across as gift-grabby - I guess it depends on how you do it? Like culturally I see most people don’t acknowledge gift giving as a part of weddings here (“no no please don’t get me anything! No no I really don’t need anything! Oh well if you insist....”) so much so that the default if someone isn’t close enough to you for you to do this whole exercise you either get them cash or a gift that is so easy to use or regift (my parents give silver frames about 50% of the time, and cash the other 50% of the time) that it’s pretty convenient. I like the NY style of cash being king!

 

[missy]

Thanks for your super detailed answer, @missy! I think we think quite similarly about gift giving should mostly be about the recipient not the giver though I do think it’s also about the joy of giving for a giver- but in that case you should still be happy to give what the other wants to receive. For example for a friend’s wedding a mutual friend of ours really wanted to give the guy a coffee machine - the mutual friend is a big coffee drinker and the groom apparently once remarked that he had a cool coffee machine. The groom doesn’t drink coffee, and did not have a registry but the mutual friend was hell-bent I’m giving him a coffee machine. I even pointed out that the man doesn’t drink coffee and got the response “so what, a coffee machine is an essential thing for the house” - maybe if you drink coffee it is but not otherwise

I do think making it clear can sometimes come across as gift-grabby - I guess it depends on how you do it? Like culturally I see most people don’t acknowledge gift giving as a part of weddings here (“no no please don’t get me anything! No no I really don’t need anything! Oh well if you insist....”) so much so that the default if someone isn’t close enough to you for you to do this whole exercise you either get them cash or a gift that is so easy to use or regift (my parents give silver frames about 50% of the time, and cash the other 50% of the time) that it’s pretty convenient. I like the NY style of cash being king!

Yes I completely agree. Giving gives us joy! That is why I believe there really is no truly altruistic behavior. As an example-volunteering for causes I believe passionately in brings me much joy. So does giving a gift the recipient is thrilled to receive be it cash or physical gift. If I know they love it that makes me happy too. Win win.

As for your other question-we only invited our very close and dear loved ones to our wedding. I only wanted (and still do) people celebrating with us who were truly happy for us and loved us as we loved them. We did not expect anything from anyone and definitely no one felt it was a gift grab since the people we invited were people who really knew and loved us. If that makes sense. I think that is key. Have no expectations as the recipient and then you cannot be disappointed. And as a giver Greg and I give from our hearts and we give generously because that is who we are.

We didn't register nor did we say give us cash. Though yes most everyone did give us cash. But as I wrote before it was what was done in our circles in NYC at that time. And as far as I know it is still the norm here. I do not want gifts from anyone who doesn't want to give a gift. Truly. And we didn't "need" anything then nor do we "need" anything now. A gift should be from the heart and if someone feels resentful about giving a gift (whatever that gift is) please do not give the gift. That poisons it IMO and I have no wish to receive anything that isn't from the heart. JMO.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I live in NY. Gifts are for the shower, cash is for the wedding. If I was going to a wedding with a different cultural gifting expectation I would do my best to follow the expectation.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I don't attend weddings/holiday gatherings/funerals/birthdays/christenings/graduations/anniversaries etc
Nor do I give gifts for any of the events society intimidates us into spending money for, birthdays, V-Day, Mom or Dad Day, that big stupid December scam, etc.

But any random day of the year when the opportunity/thought presents itself I give thoughtfully/kindly/generously to those about whom I care.
It could be spacial bread I bake, a song I wrote, or something cheap or something expensive I buy.

It's the thought that counts - and the person to person meaning.

Im sure your a really good friend Kenny and i hope your friends value you

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I think its cultural
I think personally money is tacky
Yes, you run the risk of getting double ups or ugly things you don't like but getting married in 2020 should be about love between 2 people, not all the money/ gifts they can get

I also would never expect guests to pay for their meal or drink
Only invite what you can afford

Money puts a value on friendship, to me that is gross
No body should be under pressure to gift x amount they might not be able to afford
i also hate store gift cards or gift vouchers
But i realize its different in other places

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

Yes I completely agree. Giving gives us joy! That is why I believe there really is no truly altruistic behavior. As an example-volunteering for causes I believe passionately in brings me much joy. So does giving a gift the recipient is thrilled to receive be it cash or physical gift. If I know they love it that makes me happy too. Win win.

As for your other question-we only invited our very close and dear loved ones to our wedding. I only wanted (and still do) people celebrating with us who were truly happy for us and loved us as we loved them. We did not expect anything from anyone and definitely no one felt it was a gift grab since the people we invited were people who really knew and loved us. If that makes sense. I think that is key. Have no expectations as the recipient and then you cannot be disappointed. And as a giver Greg and I give from our hearts and we give generously because that is who we are.

We didn't register nor did we say give us cash. Though yes most everyone did give us cash. But as I wrote before it was what was done in our circles in NYC at that time. And as far as I know it is still the norm here. I do not want gifts from anyone who doesn't want to give a gift. Truly. And we didn't "need" anything then nor do we "need" anything now. A gift should be from the heart and if someone feels resentful about giving a gift (whatever that gift is) please do not give the gift. That poisons it IMO and I have no wish to receive anything that isn't from the heart. JMO.

You both sound like such lovely people. I also feel very passionately about certain causes and I really agree with your thoughts on altruism - id do social work even if I hated it because I think it’s my responsibility as a fortunate privileged individual to do so - but the feel good factor is definitely a bonus!

A small wedding definitely eliminates a lot of the potential for these “social faux pas” - weddings in my culture are usually enormous and you end up inviting people who you may not be very personally close to but you have to because they’re your neighbours / childhood friend / parents’ friends / distant relative / random person who invited you to their wedding. So a “small” wedding is like 300 people.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

I think its cultural
I think personally money is tacky
Yes, you run the risk of getting double ups or ugly things you don't like but getting married in 2020 should be about love between 2 people, not all the money/ gifts they can get

I also would never expect guests to pay for their meal or drink
Only invite what you can afford

Money puts a value on friendship, to me that is gross
No body should be under pressure to gift x amount they might not be able to afford
i also hate store gift cards or gift vouchers
But i realize its different in other places

It’s cool to me how different things are culturally around the globe! Guess that’s what makes us all interesting though I agree with you completely that you should only invite as many as you can afford to feed and entertain, and only be as lavish as you can comfortably afford. Gifts are a bonus, not a way to pay off your wedding.

 

[MarionC]

In France it’s cash. I’ve been to several weddings, and there is always a little table with envelopes and a cute receptacle. At my DD’s wedding she had a custom painted globe with the date and names of bride and groom on it, surrounded by beautiful flowers. I thought it was kind of the guests to give them a travel fund/ furniture fund for their start in life together. In this day and age, kids need all the help they can get.

 

[lyra]

My daughter is getting married next year, postponed from this year. The guest list is about 46 people. Cash would be preferred. However, with covid probably still happening next year, it may be that almost no one attends. She just wants to do her wedding, even if it's only 10 people. They won't have a registry, they have everything.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

"That big stupid December scam"

We give cash, enough to cover our plate because that's what's expected in the Northeast.

 

[Arcadian]

I mostly give money though I've been known to give gifts if I felt I had the time for it. The exception was when my nieces started graduating from college. They all got something from my closet at that time (jewelry handbags, etc) Because they were adult enough to manage/handle these things.

I haven't been to a wedding in a long time though!! I'd give cash and be done with it.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I can't edit my response but we give to cover the plate plus extra, the "cover the plate" amount is the bare minimum.

 

[Petalouda]

My family of origin is from Europe and most people give cash.

You both sound like such lovely people. I also feel very passionately about certain causes and I really agree with your thoughts on altruism - id do social work even if I hated it because I think it’s my responsibility as a fortunate privileged individual to do so - but the feel good factor is definitely a bonus!

A small wedding definitely eliminates a lot of the potential for these “social faux pas” - weddings in my culture are usually enormous and you end up inviting people who you may not be very personally close to but you have to because they’re your neighbours / childhood friend / parents’ friends / distant relative / random person who invited you to their wedding. So a “small” wedding is like 300 people.

that’s how my wedding was. My in-laws know a ton of people and my wedding was much larger than I ever wanted it to be. I registered and then was pushed to register for more stuff so the guests could have enough to purchase. We were in an apartment for the first few years of our marriage and most of the gifts were sitting in storage. By the time we moved into a house, I found my style evolved and wasn’t as into what I registered. I also realized I registered for stuff I would never use just to fill the registry. It would of been much more efficient if receiving cash was more acceptable. I think what’s changing now in society too is couples are moving in together before marriage and are getting married older. They have a lot of the things they need already to start off and don’t need duplicates. I’m starting to see a trend where couples are asking for donations to their honeymoon fund etc.

 

[seaurchin]

I'm not sure about cash. On the one hand, it's the perfect gift because everyone needs it and it can be used however the giftee chooses.

On the other hand, it's so impersonal. A thoughtful gift is a lovely, precious thing. Friends and relatives giving things that they found the most useful from their own experience, that the couple wouldn't have even thought of. For ex., a pizza stone because the giver finds it produces the very best pizza, a wall mirror with beveled edges because the giver has delighted in the little rainbows theirs has made in their living room for years. Or things with low monetary value but high sentimental/practical value, like a handmade book of the family's long cherished favorite recipes.

So, I don't know... Maybe half and half would be good for the gifter to decide on.

 

[missy]

I'm not sure about cash. On the one hand, it's the perfect gift because everyone needs it and it can be used however the giftee chooses.

On the other hand, it's so impersonal. A thoughtful gift is a lovely, precious thing. Friends and relatives giving things that they found the most useful from their own experience, that the couple wouldn't have even thought of. For ex., a pizza stone because the giver finds it produces the very best pizza, a wall mirror with beveled edges because the giver has delighted in the little rainbows theirs has made in their living room for years. Or things with low monetary value but high sentimental/practical value, like a handmade book of the family's long cherished favorite recipes.

So, I don't know... Maybe half and half would be good for the gifter to decide on.

I agree there can be some awesome gifts given that the recipient could be surprised with and take pleasure in getting. My Aunt and Uncle used to give us the best gifts when we were younger. But it's rare to find that person who finds just the perfect gift without input from the person receiving the gift. When Greg and I were dating he did get me some pretty amazing gifts without any input on my part.

But just another perspective about cash and the perceived coldness of it so to speak. I don't find cash impersonal. I think it can be super thoughtful if that is what the couple wishes. What is more thoughtful than taking into account the desire of the person you want to give a gift to? So IMO cash can be a very personal gift. As in, I know you will put this to the best possible use and get what your heart desires.