Would you say your parents did an overall good job of raising you?

[pinkstars]

Overall, I think my mom did a really good job. She definitely did the best that she could, providing me with the absolute most love. But I would have to say where she didn''t guide me well was in encouraging me to pursue school. She''ll be so happy for me with whatever I do(you know, having any job and providing for myself) but she really lacked some skills in making sure that I go to college.

My dad...I guess I feel like he probably just isn''t cut out for parenting. He was an alcoholic up until maybe 7 or 8 years ago. He also wasn''t around all of the time when I was a child. But I don''t hold anything against him now, so our relationship is pretty good now. I guess I can''t attribute too much of me to him. I cry really easily whenever I''m criticized, I don''t do well with people raising their voices. Ha, I''m not a good fighter!
I love my parents and I know they love me, so not much else matters I guess.

 

[pennquaker09]

Does paying for a nanny count? If so, they did an awesome job, if not, then . . . I'm not sure.

My mom was not a good parent. She will admit that, but my dad did try, but he didn't start trying until I was in high school. I was never a bad kid, but I was extremely spoiled and sheltered. My dad tried to get strict because he hated it when I started dating.

I think I get my work ethic from them, but it's something I inherited, not something they taught me. And as far as money matter, they never taught me anything. I think my dad would pay our bills if I would let him. Suze Orman and Nate taught me how to be responsible with money.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/27/2010 1:02:02 AM
Author: Haven
I really don''t know how to answer this question.

Judging solely on the outcome, which would be my adult life, they both get an A+. I''m an extremely happy adult, and I don''t really think I could be any more satisfied with any area of my life.
I was an extremely happy kid, too.

My parents were always loving and I always knew I was loved. However, they never disciplined us and they never liked a hassle of any kind. We never had any rules to follow, and they never really challenged us to achieve anything. They often said ''We trust that you''ll make the decision that is best for you, and if you don''t, you''ll learn from it.'' That might work with a teenager, but they said stuff like that to me when I was as young as seven.

My mom likes to joke that they raised us with benign neglect, and that''s pretty much true. Perhaps they''re lucky that we didn''t wind up behind bars or running from the law. I really don''t know.

Yeah, they ARE lucky, (although I suspect that successfully raising kids always contains a bit of luck), because that approach has its downside. You can really only use that with kids who popped out as complete self-starters. I have a friend who essentially did that - not entirely mind you - but for the purposes of not having to type War and Peace, let''s just say they did (basically her husband would circumvent her at almost every turn when she attempted to require any standard of behavior, telling the kids, "No, you don''t have to do that", when she said they did. A bad situation for any parent), and of her 4 kids, only one has any real drive. The others, well, I worry about them. They are all very passive, and risk-averse, and coming of age like that in this economy, is going to be very very difficult. (they range in age from 27 to 19).

My mom was very...how shall we put it..."definite".

She told me later, "I wanted to raise you so I could stand you, not just other people; I did NOT want a pitched battle in my own home." She was a stickler for a lot of things, and firmly believed that children did NOT know what was best for them - especially when pre-teen - and since they didn''t know the difference, she could and should guide me in whatever direction she chose. So, for instance, manners were important - not because you HAVE to raise kids with manners but because all things being equal, she wanted to be around a mannered person. But of course, all that stuff requires first, knowing exactly what you want from a child - believing youself that it''s important and knowing that asking it is not unreasonable, and then making it important enough to follow through with..over and over and over, as long as it takes, and in spite of the "hassle".

I didn''t get the chance to have kids, and I''m a bit sad now. But the hubs and I didn''t get it together in time. If we had married back in ''98 on the second go-round, it might have JUST been doable, but now? Uh...NO. Anyway, in our talks, it has become very clear (and I was very surprised actually) that he and I would have been an extremely good team in that area, since our ideas on child-rearing are well-defined, highly informed by long discussion with our own parents, and virtually identical. Who knew?

 

[geckodani]

My parents both get As. My mom gets an A+.

I had an absolutely enchanting childhood and I have fantastic memories. My father passed away when I was 12, and my mother was left with two teenage daughters to raise, with no career, and suddeny no income. She rose to the challange beautifully, and I am grateful for the woman I have become because of her.

Was she perfect? Of course not. No one is. But I think she did a fantastic job with what she had!

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/27/2010 7:41:15 AM
Author: ksinger

Date: 4/27/2010 1:02:02 AM
Author: Haven
I really don''t know how to answer this question.

Judging solely on the outcome, which would be my adult life, they both get an A+. I''m an extremely happy adult, and I don''t really think I could be any more satisfied with any area of my life.
I was an extremely happy kid, too.

My parents were always loving and I always knew I was loved. However, they never disciplined us and they never liked a hassle of any kind. We never had any rules to follow, and they never really challenged us to achieve anything. They often said ''We trust that you''ll make the decision that is best for you, and if you don''t, you''ll learn from it.'' That might work with a teenager, but they said stuff like that to me when I was as young as seven.

My mom likes to joke that they raised us with benign neglect, and that''s pretty much true. Perhaps they''re lucky that we didn''t wind up behind bars or running from the law. I really don''t know.

Yeah, they ARE lucky, (although I suspect that successfully raising kids always contains a bit of luck), because that approach has its downside. You can really only use that with kids who popped out as complete self-starters. I have a friend who essentially did that - not entirely mind you - but for the purposes of not having to type War and Peace, let''s just say they did (basically her husband would circumvent her at almost every turn when she attempted to require any standard of behavior, telling the kids, ''No, you don''t have to do that'', when she said they did. A bad situation for any parent), and of her 4 kids, only one has any real drive. The others, well, I worry about them. They are all very passive, and risk-averse, and coming of age like that in this economy, is going to be very very difficult. (they range in age from 27 to 19).

My mom was very...how shall we put it...''definite''.

She told me later, ''I wanted to raise you so I could stand you, not just other people; I did NOT want a pitched battle in my own home.'' She was a stickler for a lot of things, and firmly believed that children did NOT know what was best for them - especially when pre-teen - and since they didn''t know the difference, she could and should guide me in whatever direction she chose. So, for instance, manners were important - not because you HAVE to raise kids with manners but because all things being equal, she wanted to be around a mannered person. But of course, all that stuff requires first, knowing exactly what you want from a child - believing youself that it''s important and knowing that asking it is not unreasonable, and then making it important enough to follow through with..over and over and over, as long as it takes, and in spite of the ''hassle''.

I didn''t get the chance to have kids, and I''m a bit sad now. But the hubs and I didn''t get it together in time. If we had married back in ''98 on the second go-round, it might have JUST been doable, but now? Uh...NO. Anyway, in our talks, it has become very clear (and I was very surprised actually) that he and I would have been an extremely good team in that area, since our ideas on child-rearing are well-defined, highly informed by long discussion with our own parents, and virtually identical. Who knew?

It sounds like you and your husband would have made an excellent parenting team, ksinger.
I also really like your mom''s philosophy--that you should raise children that you, yourself, can stand.

You''re probably right, my parents are probably lucky that we aren''t all maniacs, or in the very least, extremely lazy. We''re all pursuing careers that we love (CC English teacher, Rabbi, HS art teacher, and a nurse) and we all have a commitment to philanthropy. We''re also all really happy people. The philanthropy bit was definitely modeled by my parents. They did make a point to move us into a suburb with a great school system, and I do believe that our community''s ambitions rubbed off on us. It was pretty much unheard of to *not* go to college after high school, that sort of thing.

DH and I talk about how we''ll raise our children, if we have any, and we reflect on our own upbringings quite a bit. We have a friend who was raised in the freakin'' Brady family, they are just so wonderful and they genuinely care for each other and don''t have a lot of the usual hangups that many family members have about each other. We talk to her about her parents, too. They''re a really cool family to be around, inspirational, even.

 

[Sabine]

I often wonder how I turned out as well as I did.

My parents weren''t terrible, but they weren''t around a lot and I grew up very independently. I didn''t have restrictions on things like tv or movies (family tv night was watching married with children, the simpsons, or beavis and butt head and my parents used to buy my friends and I tickets to one rated R movie while they would go see a different one). And then at one point my mom got worried when I had a boyfriend in 8th grade and did try to enforce new rules out of nowhere, and that''s when I rebelled the most and got into the most trouble. I ended up hanging out with a group of friends who did a lot of really shady stuff, but I somehow managed to keep myself out of most of it. I''m still amazed that I didn''t end up in a tragic car accident or something though because I often got into cars with guys who had been drinking or where high, I snuck out at all hours, and I did all kinds of things I would never want my own offspring to do, and my parents had no idea.

 

[partgypsy]

I selected my parents did a "good job". Not because I think they did a perfect job, but because they loved us and did the best they could. I always knew that my parents loved me, and that is the bottom line.

The biggest "complaint" I have is that they played favorites, in which the oldest son (a juvenile deliquent and alcoholic) got the lion''s share of attention, concern, resources, support etc. So much so that they often weren''t there for the other kids.

I have forgiven my parents (my sister still has not, or cannot) and I would like to have moved completely beyond this. But I can''t because it was such a defining part of my growing up and that it is still happening (he still lives off my aging and elderly parents who have compromised their financial security because of him).

 

[lilyfoot]

Actually, I would say they did a pretty horrible job. I really only speak with my dad 1 or 2 times a year (always on my birthday, sometimes Christmas also), and have seen him about once every 2 years since my parents were divorced, and we moved from Puerto Rico to Florida (we always have to go there, he has never came to visit us here).

A lot of times I just forgot I had a father, as sad as that sounds.

My mother was never very loving, there was never really a relationship there. She barely spent the night at our house starting when I was 14/15, and moved out when I was 16, leaving me with my college-aged brother and sister, and all of my own bills to pay (while still in high school).

Somehow though, I actually think I came out great! I wish I had a close, supportive family, but I don''t. Now, I have an awesome MIL who I am really close to, and obviously an incredible husband, and plans for our own future family. I know I will have to work extra hard to not repeat this type of parenting with my future child(ren), but I''m very committed to it. I want to be loving with my children, I want to have great relationships with them, I want to spend time with them, I want to know their friends, I want to be that person they always want to call with good (or bad!) news.

It makes me really sad when I sit there and think about it, but at the same time, it''s something I can''t change for myself. It''s just the hand I was dealt in life, I guess. It could be worse!

 

[lyra]

Meh, my family was pretty messed up. It's only me and my sister left now, and we don't even speak and never will. I communicate with her son, who also does not speak to her, coincidentally... I think my parents just didn't get along well from the start and stayed together because in their generation that was what you did. I know my maternal grandmother often told my mom to put up with anything to save face. I'm glad things are different nowadays really.

ETA: My dad died at 52, and I think the family fell apart at that point. If that had never happened I think things would have been different. Maybe.

 

[April20]

I have great parents and step-parents. They aren''t perfect, but they raised us in a loving household where we knew what was expected of us. DH''s parents were/are the same. What I find it interesting though, is that even though I think my parents were good parents and did a good job, and DH''s parents did a good job, each one of our families have the "black sheep" kid that didn''t turn out so hot. Literally one extreme to the other in siblings.

I guess it just goes to show you can be great parents and still have your kid not turn out so hot.

 

[monarch64]

I think my parents both tried in their own ways to be good parents and for the most part they succeeded. I don''t have a perfect relationship with either of them, but I really love my family (parents and one brother) and I have always known that they love me. Like most, I think I have a few issues that stem from things that happened in our family, but instead of blaming them for anything I try to look at those things and gain perspective and insight. I have an aunt on my mom''s side who blames everything wrong in her life on her parents and she''s been in therapy for something like 30 years. That is so not me, I just don''t buy into the victim mentality. I understand the need for therapy and that it works for a lot of people, but I think in some cases it can actually get to a point where it is detrimental. I like to remember the positive things that happened in my life and tend to reflect and look within and then move on. My parents both tried to give my brother and me the things they felt they lacked growing up and I am proud of their parenting overall.

 

[jjc]

No. I''ve had to fend for myself pretty much from the jump.

I receive daily death threats from my dad, and growing up my mom fed me to the lions, if you will, to make it easier on herself. I fully understand why she had to do it, but it''s not the nicest feeling, being the sacrificial lamb.

At least I know my mom loves me, and she tried. My dad treated and continues to treat me like he hates me. But I''ll never see him again, so that''s a relief.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have great parents. No one is perfect and my family certainly has our own issues but bottom line is I was always provided for, always felt love and safe.