Would you let your mother come live with you if you didn''t like her?

[Richard Sherwood]

That said, harboring residual animosity is never the ideal way to go.

It's understandable, but it's never the ideal.

The ideal is being able to forgive others, but hold them responsible for their actions.

It's like dealing with a person who has murdered one of your loved ones. If you can never forgive them (by looking back in their past, and seeing how and why they became a "monster"), you will be locked in that point of soul growth, emotionally and spiritually. They should still reap the consequences of their actions (for their soul growth), but your ideal is to reach a point of letting the bitterness go, and forgive them.

The Universe is placing this situation in your path to teach you a lesson as well. Your lesson is to learn how to release bitterness, and forgive. In that you will find freedom.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Date: 8/3/2009 11:44:18 PM
Author: TravelingGal
The pastor used the word bitch?

Yes, he did. He was a "real" person, this pastor.

 

[Kaleigh]

Being able to forgive is key. It''s hard but once you do you are free, in a sense.... I have done that myself..

I think people have to come to terms with what happend to them as kids... No one has a perfect childhood. But some of us had a really hard way to go, not something I would wish on anyone...

To that, I am glad I can take care of my Mom but not in my house. It wouldn''t be fair to any of us.

 

[VRBeauty]

No to your mother, for all the reasons other posters have already gone over.

And a big ditto to Richard on the question of forgiving and letting go of resentment.

Look at it this way -- you'll probably be faced with other situations like this, and as your parents get older, the "right" answer will become less and less clear (even with PS there to help you

), especially if you are constantly juggling your gut reaction with lingering resentment and any guilt you might feel about that resentment. Get rid of the resentment, and you'll be able to make better decisions about caring for your parents, based on your needs and theirs, without having to deal with that resentment and concerns about how you "should" react.

That probably wasn't very clear.... sorry about that.

ETA that getting rid of resentment business can be easier said than done. It can take work. I know.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/4/2009 12:14:49 AM
Author: VRBeauty
No to your mother, for all the reasons other posters have already gone over.

And a big ditto to Richard on the question of forgiving and letting go of resentment.

Look at it this way -- you''ll probably be faced with other situations like this, and as your parents get older, the ''right'' answer will become less and less clear (even with PS there to help you

), especially if you are constantly juggling your gut reaction with lingering resentment and any guilt you might feel about that resentment. Get rid of the resentment, and you''ll be able to make better decisions about caring for your parents, based on your needs and theirs, without having to deal with that resentment and concerns about how you ''should'' react.

That probably wasn''t very clear.... sorry about that.

ETA that getting rid of resentment business can be easier said than done. It can take work. I know.

+1, made a lot of sense to me.....

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 8/3/2009 11:46:27 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
That said, harboring residual animosity is never the ideal way to go.

It''s understandable, but it''s never the ideal.

The ideal is being able to forgive others, but hold them responsible for their actions.

It''s like dealing with a person who has murdered one of your loved ones. If you can never forgive them (by looking back in their past, and seeing how and why they became a ''monster''), you will be locked in that point of soul growth, emotionally and spiritually. They should still reap the consequences of their actions (for their soul growth), but your ideal is to reach a point of letting the bitterness go, and forgive them.

The Universe is placing this situation in your path to teach you a lesson as well. Your lesson is to learn how to release bitterness, and forgive. In that you will find freedom.

Richard - what a story. I hate to say it, but since I have two brothers, I''ve already started looking to them to take her in when she gets old. I''ve already told my dad that I would take him, but there''s no way I could live in the same house with her again. They are both miserable in their marriage, but they are Catholics, and feel like they''ve been together for too many years to divorce.

Thanks for posting what you did about forgiveness. Trust me, I''ve been trying to work on this for 15 years. I think it''s easier though if the person at fault will actually admit that they''ve done something wrong.

My mother was physically abusive to us until we left the house. Meanwhile, she always acted like "the perfect mom" to the outside world, so the family members and counselors I went to for help didn''t believe me. Eventually, she went to college in her 40s, and became a social worker. She stopped being physically abusive when she was getting her degree in social work, and she thinks that she''s being less mentally abusive, but she is still extremely difficult to get along with.

Every few years, I try to go through the "forgiveness process" with her, by confronting her about our childhoods and how much she hurt us. A few weeks ago, we tried to do this again - my younger brother and I confronted her. She said, "Oh please, I''m a social worker - you don''t know what real abuse is. If you were so abused as children, show me your scars." I just got totally silent and told her that that very attitude is why I can never forgive her.

You always see people on talk shows like Oprah talk about forgiveness, and see the alcoholic parent apologize to the kids fior ruining their childhoods. If my mother won''t even admit that she was an abuser, then I can''t forgive her for something that she won''t even face up to.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Date: 8/4/2009 9:04:47 AM
Author: vespergirl

If my mother won''t even admit that she was an abuser, then I can''t forgive her for something that she won''t even face up to.

Sure you can. And it''s important you do. That bitterness is like poison in your soul. The toxic effects of that poison will always show up somewhere in your being, usually emotionally or physically, sometimes mentally in severe cases.

There''s a great book on this by Brandon Bays called "The Journey". She was diagnosed with a tumor the size of a soccer ball in her abdomen. Doctors wanted to operate immediately, but she wanted to try something else instead. She had just heard about bitterness and unforgiveness often manifesting in physical ailments, so she wanted to try "soul work" instead to see if it made a difference.

What she did was seclude herself for a couple months and went back through her childhood, asking the Universe to bring to her remembrance past offenses and offendors (she had several issues with her parents). Then she examined those offenses and offendors through the eyes and understanding of the adult she now was, instead of through the eyes of a child.

In this manner she was able to see and understand why her parents acted as they did, and forgave them. It didn''t require the parents admitting any guilt in the matter. She just completely and unconditionally forgave them. When she did, she said it was like walking out of a prison cell. She had never experienced such freedom.

When she went back to the doctors (after only two months), the tumor had shrunk from the size of a soccer ball to the size of a golf ball. After another couple months soul work it disappeared entirely.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 8/4/2009 11:22:40 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood

Date: 8/4/2009 9:04:47 AM
Author: vespergirl

If my mother won''t even admit that she was an abuser, then I can''t forgive her for something that she won''t even face up to.

Sure you can. And it''s important you do. That bitterness is like poison in your soul. The toxic effects of that poison will always show up somewhere in your being, usually emotionally or physically, sometimes mentally in severe cases.

There''s a great book on this by Brandon Bays called ''The Journey''. She was diagnosed with a tumor the size of a soccer ball in her abdomen. Doctors wanted to operate immediately, but she wanted to try something else instead. She had just heard about bitterness and unforgiveness often manifesting in physical ailments, so she wanted to try ''soul work'' instead to see if it made a difference.

What she did was seclude herself for a couple months and went back through her childhood, asking the Universe to bring to her remembrance past offenses and offendors (she had several issues with her parents). Then she examined those offenses and offendors through the eyes and understanding of the adult she now was, instead of through the eyes of a child.

In this manner she was able to see and understand why her parents acted as they did, and forgave them. It didn''t require the parents admitting any guilt in the matter. She just completely and unconditionally forgave them. When she did, she said it was like walking out of a prison cell. She had never experienced such freedom.

When she went back to the doctors (after only two months), the tumor had shrunk from the size of a soccer ball to the size of a golf ball. After another couple months soul work it disappeared entirely.

Richard, thanks for the recommendation - I will check out the book. It''s funny what you mentioned about seeing my parents'' actions through adult eyes - I was actually getting along with them pretty well until I had my own son, and then I became furious with my mom again - I am so protective of my own child, I couldn''t imagine treating him the way we were treated. You always hear that you will understand your parents better & forgive them when you have kids of your own, but for me it was the opposite. I got angrier once I had my own kid. This book sounds like it would have some helpful advice for me.

BTW, I always meant to mention that I used to live in Sarasota - say "hi" to Siesta Key for me next time you''re there.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

I just checked and your mother can get a reverse mortgage on her primary residence if she is over 62. That could be a solution.

 

[rainwood]

Vesper -

I wanted to offer a slightly different perspective that may or may not be helpful. I think Richard and some of the others have given some good and thoughtful advice. Unconditional forgiveness is certainly something to aspire to and may have the effect of setting some people free, but no situation is a "one size fits all." If you can forgive your mother, that''s great. But if you can''t, that''s okay too. Don''t feel guilty about it. Every person is different and every situation is different, and what works for one person may be impossible or ineffective for others. If you don''t feel you can forgive and you use your anger at your mother to be a different and better parent, then something positive has already taken place.

The reason I''m sensitive to this comes from a different but comparable situation. My husband has a chronic form of leukemia so we''ve dealt with both his illness and been around lots of other people who have cancer. And people are always saying that you need to maintain a positive attitude because it will help you overcome the disease. People are trying to be helpful, but cancer is a tough, tough disease and sometimes being positive about your situation just isn''t possible, and certainly not all of the time. So the people suffering through the disease not only feel lousy, but they feel guilty or inadequate because they''ve failed to have that positive attitude everyone tells them is so important. Again, one size does not fit all. So I always tell people to just feel what they feel. If the best way for you to deal with your mother is something other than complete, unconditional forgiveness, that''s okay. You have to do what''s possible and right for you, whatever that may be.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 8/4/2009 2:36:05 PM
Author: rainwood
Vesper -

I wanted to offer a slightly different perspective that may or may not be helpful. I think Richard and some of the others have given some good and thoughtful advice. Unconditional forgiveness is certainly something to aspire to and may have the effect of setting some people free, but no situation is a ''one size fits all.'' If you can forgive your mother, that''s great. But if you can''t, that''s okay too. Don''t feel guilty about it. Every person is different and every situation is different, and what works for one person may be impossible or ineffective for others. If you don''t feel you can forgive and you use your anger at your mother to be a different and better parent, then something positive has already taken place.

The reason I''m sensitive to this comes from a different but comparable situation. My husband has a chronic form of leukemia so we''ve dealt with both his illness and been around lots of other people who have cancer. And people are always saying that you need to maintain a positive attitude because it will help you overcome the disease. People are trying to be helpful, but cancer is a tough, tough disease and sometimes being positive about your situation just isn''t possible, and certainly not all of the time. So the people suffering through the disease not only feel lousy, but they feel guilty or inadequate because they''ve failed to have that positive attitude everyone tells them is so important. Again, one size does not fit all. So I always tell people to just feel what they feel. If the best way for you to deal with your mother is something other than complete, unconditional forgiveness, that''s okay. You have to do what''s possible and right for you, whatever that may be.

Rainwood, thanks so much for your thoughts, I really appreciate what you had to say. Since I have tried the forgiveness process so many times, maybe I am one of those people who''s just always going to not be OK with this - we''ll see ... it would be nice to be able to forgive, but maybe it''s not in the cards for me.

I just wanted to empathize and tell you that I''m so sorry for what you & your husband are going through. It''s not an identical situation, but my ex-husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin''s Lymphoma when he was 27, I was 23, and we had only been married for 8 months - my ex was very lucky that he went in to remission after being treated with chemo. You & your husband are in my thoughts, and I''m hoping for his recovery. I agree that when faced with that type of life-threatening illness, there is no "right" way to deal with it except for what''s best the two of you as a couple - it''s such an incredibly tough thing for any couple to endure.

 

[drk]

Wow, tough situation. You''re doing exactly what I would do. Hopefully you''ll be able to keep your relationship with your mother to a minimum, given her history and refusal to acknowledge her behaviour. The one I truly feel sorry for is your Dad, though if I were him, I''d probably have left her by now, religious or not!

Kate

 

[isaku5]

Date: 8/3/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
I vote for letting them clean up their own mess.

Sounds like they need a reality check.

+1

 

[rainwood]

Date: 8/4/2009 2:54:26 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/4/2009 2:36:05 PM

Rainwood, thanks so much for your thoughts, I really appreciate what you had to say. Since I have tried the forgiveness process so many times, maybe I am one of those people who''s just always going to not be OK with this - we''ll see ... it would be nice to be able to forgive, but maybe it''s not in the cards for me.


I just wanted to empathize and tell you that I''m so sorry for what you & your husband are going through. It''s not an identical situation, but my ex-husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin''s Lymphoma when he was 27, I was 23, and we had only been married for 8 months - my ex was very lucky that he went in to remission after being treated with chemo. You & your husband are in my thoughts, and I''m hoping for his recovery. I agree that when faced with that type of life-threatening illness, there is no ''right'' way to deal with it except for what''s best the two of you as a couple - it''s such an incredibly tough thing for any couple to endure.

Vesper -

I can''t imagine going through that situation as a newlywed. How stressful for you both.