Would you let your mother come live with you if you didn''t like her?

[vespergirl]

I know that this sounds harsh, but my mother was physically and emotionally abusive to my brothers & I when we were kids, and since she has never really apologized, we have a strained relationship. Because of this, I don''t have the warm & fuzzy feelings for her that most people have for their parents. My dad & I are close, but I can barely stand being around my mother.

Here''s the situation - my parents, who were very financially flush a couple of years ago, sank almost all of their cash into real estate investments and have lost almost everything. They are in their early 60s. My dad has started a small but relatively successful business, and my mother is a social worker. She just lost her job. She & my dad have been having lots of problems (they have always fought daily, but the situation is exacerbated by the financial woes) and she has been talking about looking at jobs in my area, and that because I live in such an expensive city, hinting if could she come stay with us so she could work here.

My answer is no, for these reasons:
1. I honestly can''t believe that there are no jobs avaiable where she lives. If she can''t find something exactly in her field, there are certainly other jobs.
2. My parents still own 6 properties, worth over $2 million, but refuse to sell anything in a down market. They also have a house full of artwork, antiques and jewelry that they refuse to think about selling (what would the neighbors think). They have absolutely no cash and are living off of credit cards, and are constantly complaining to me about their money problems, but my husband and I honestly are having a hard time feeling sorry for people who live in a million dollar mcmansion.
3. They refused to listen to the financial advice of their financial advisor who for years was warning them about the mistakes they were making, and they chose to ignore the warnings. Now they are having to live with the mess the created, but it''s not like they couldn''t have seen it coming if they listened to anyone who tried to advise them.

So, what would you guys do? I honestly think that I would absolutely lose my mind if she came to stay with us. Also, I am a SAHM, so the financial burden of having an extra person in the home would fall on my DH, and even though he tolerates her, she aggravates him too.

One of my friends is telling me that they are my parents, I should do whatever I can to help them, but honestly I don''t feel like I owe a lot to a woman who used to tell me constantly when I was a child that the only reason my parents fought was because of us kids - what a totally crappy parent. My DH also said that he would be hesitant to spend his hard-earned money to help people who live in a nicer house than we do. He gave them advice to liquidate, and they ignored his advice. I would also feel more of a sense of responsibility if they were living in a trailer, with nothing left to sell, and a medical crisis. Not spoiled yuppies who don''t want to give up their lifestyle.

So, what do you think - do we help bail my parents out, or leave them to clean up their own mess? I''m thinking that we''re going to leave it to them, but I guess I''m interested in what others would do in this situation ...

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I agree with you. It sounds like they have liquid assets that they could sell to support themselves financially and I think that would be a better option than having her live you with, especially given the circumstances. Nobody really wants to sell their stuff for less than what they paid but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and who really cares what the neighbors think.

 

[Courtneylub]

Your mother was abusive and is a social worker??? That''s ironic.

I agree with you 100%. They will have to sacrifice their nice things. You shouldn''t have to sacrifice your life before they do that. No way.

 

[Lilac]

That''s a pretty difficult situation because it''s hard to say no to your parents when they''re in financial trouble.

However, it sounds like they DO have options to get them out of this situation and have gotten some good advice as to how to help themselves. They refuse to listen to that advice and continue to live their high lifestyle with all their properties and mansion. Since they HAVE chances to make things better for themselves and choose not to do it, I would leave it to them to fix it themselves. If they didn''t have any options and came to you as a last resort then I would say you should help them. But they DO have other options - they just choose to put the burden on YOU and I don''t think that''s right.

 

[Lauren8211]

I would absolutely say no. I have very different views on family than most, but unless a parent/child has earned your respect, I don't see why "family" should be some unbreakable tie that people have to fall in line with regardless of the relationship.

I don't like the "Well its your parent, they raised you, you owe it to them" mentality. I know most would flame me in that regard, but just putting a roof over someones head isn't necessarily being a parent.

Your parents have options that they're choosing to ignore. Thats not your burden, it's theirs. You have your own family to take care of now, and they come first, barring extenuating circumstances.

 

[vespergirl]

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I am feeling better about my decision now. I just really wish that I could get them to start selling off some of their things. They keep saying that they will do it, but they never do. People have made them offers on two of their properties that they refused, because it wasn''t the amount they "expected" to receive. I think that as long as they are refusing to live in reality, I don''t need to help them.

Like I said, I am not heartless, but I think that if they have options they are not execising, that is their choice. I can tell that my mother is hurt since I am not offering to help, but I offered advice, and if they won''t take it, that is their choice.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

I vote for letting them clean up their own mess.

Sounds like they need a reality check.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/3/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
I vote for letting them clean up their own mess.


Sounds like they need a reality check.

Ditto. Normally I would say "help them!" but in their specific situation it doesn''t sound like they really NEED help.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/3/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
I vote for letting them clean up their own mess.

Sounds like they need a reality check.

what he said!

no way i'd take her into the household. who needs the trauma/drama?! they created their mess, they get to get themselves out of it. life is to short to subject oneself to having her live with you.

mz

eta: its called tough love: usually one has to exercise it with teenagers..........

 

[rainwood]

I agree with the others, and would give the same answer even if you did like your mother. They need to work their way out of their own financial situation. Otherwise, they''re likely to make the same mistakes again. It''s no different advice for parents than if it were someone''s children who''d been financially irresponsible and don''t want to take some of the hard steps necessary to improve their financial situation.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Yeah, something else I meant to mention. Often in these situations the Universe is trying to teach the individuals something. Hardship is a great teacher. If you get in the middle of it, you "block" the teaching, and they''ll just have to go through it all over again somewhere down the road.

 

[Mara]

I absolutely love and respect my mother but I honestly would find it very hard to live with her. She and I just have different personalities and she always acts like she is right (which I do sometimes as well) so we clash if we are together for too long of a period of time. She would want the household to do things her way and would have a hard time just relaxing. That said, if she was in very dire straits, Greg would not love it but I would help out if necessary. But from your description of your parents assets, that is not dire straits, and you don''t have a great relationship, so that would be doubly stressful. I would probably say no in that situation.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think OUTSIDE of the issues you have with your mother you should say no. Your parents perceive themselves to be in dire straights, but in reality they''re more comfortable than most people. Say no.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Tough situation. Maybe your Mom is tired of the daily stress fighting with your Dad and is looking for a temporary escape. Nonetheless, quite likely if it were you in the situation, they would opt for the advice to let you deal with the consequences of your actions. They are no less accountable--they are educated people and knew the risks. Provide emotional support and leave it at that as letting your Mom come to live would be a bandaid/temporary fix anyway.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Erin]

Date: 8/3/2009 10:48:46 AM
Author:vespergirl
My parents still own 6 properties, worth over $2 million, but refuse to sell anything in a down market. They also have a house full of artwork, antiques and jewelry that they refuse to think about selling (what would the neighbors think).

I think it''s tough enough to have a parent/sibling/friend move in with you regardless of whether or not you get along with them. It carries a financial strain and unneccessary emotional stress. The above situation is not at all a scenario that would make me consider ''helping out.'' They need a reality check. People are doing far more to get by these days like working two jobs and sellling their boat and trading in their cars for cheaper ones.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 8/3/2009 12:18:51 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Yeah, something else I meant to mention. Often in these situations the Universe is trying to teach the individuals something. Hardship is a great teacher. If you get in the middle of it, you ''block'' the teaching, and they''ll just have to go through it all over again somewhere down the road.

I wholeheartedly agree with Rich''s sentiment here.

In the given situation, they can help themselves; they just choose not to because they would have to suffer the diminished returns of their incorrect choices. To me, that''s not reason enough to subsidize someone, especially when doing to does come at a real cost to you. It puts strain on the harmony and family dynamic in your household.

No way....wouldn''t do it.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/3/2009 3:38:08 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 8/3/2009 12:18:51 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Yeah, something else I meant to mention. Often in these situations the Universe is trying to teach the individuals something. Hardship is a great teacher. If you get in the middle of it, you ''block'' the teaching, and they''ll just have to go through it all over again somewhere down the road.

I wholeheartedly agree with Rich''s sentiment here.

In the given situation, they can help themselves; they just choose not to because they would have to suffer the diminished returns of their incorrect choices. To me, that''s not reason enough to subsidize someone, especially when doing to does come at a real cost to you. It puts strain on the harmony and family dynamic in your household.

No way....wouldn''t do it.

As some whose family has gone through a bit of hardship, I agree as well. Nothing like hardship and having to work your way through it to teach you have to live a bit more wisely.

I also believe in reality discipline for the little ones too, so I guess it makes sense that it works for people in all stages of their lives!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/3/2009 12:11:28 PM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 8/3/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
I vote for letting them clean up their own mess.

Sounds like they need a reality check.

what he said!

no way i''d take her into the household. who needs the trauma/drama?! they created their mess, they get to get themselves out of it. life is to short to subject oneself to having her live with you.

mz

eta: its called tough love: usually one has to exercise it with teenagers..........

YUP!!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I had a kind of similar decision I had to make. . .

My mom was in that situation and she lost over 1.5 mill. worth of real estate due to poor planning and even lost her primary residence. She was abusive to me as I was growing up and even as an adult she played her mind games. Had she moved in with me, regardless if I were helping her or she did manage to find a job, she'd still treat me as she did. I had a child at that point. There is no way in hell I'd subject my son to my mom's crap. Would you want to do that to your child?

Why risk putting yourself and your family into that chaos? Let your parents learn their own lesson. It's idiotic of them to live off of CCs while they own properties they can sell. Eventually, they'll figure that out. If your mom moves in with you, it could take a decade before she sees the reality.

Oh, and my mom and I haven't talked in over 10 years. A year or so back, I did a "background check," of sorts and found she had been using my name in other parts of the state.

Abusive parents will do whatever it takes for THEIR SELF INTERESTS to be satisfied.

 

[cara]

No no no no, no. Not under those circumstances and never if you are in any kind of financial position to avoid it. This particular mother you should avoid putting up in your house even if she is desperate, and it doesn''t sound like she is truly desperate yet. Be strong, say no, and only reconsider if she is truly without any other options. Your mental health is worth something, and it would be at risk with your mother in the same house. Last, maybe an unecessary extra, but have you ever gotten counseling for dealing with lingering issues with your mother? Cause this just sounds so classic - a child still feeling guilty about her abusive parent and having difficulty protecting herself and sending reasonable boundaries. Yes, while it might be reasonable for a reasonable parent to come live with their child after falling on hard times, this particular parent isn''t a good candidate ( at least, not at the current level of difficulty in her financial position.). Even if she were truly strapped, because of your and her history it still might be better to just help her out financially as you and your husband are able, rather than sharing a home with her, but that doesn''t sound necessary yet. Just try your best to salvage what''s left of your parents funds without more misinvestment- but knowing they are still adults that are free to walk their own stupid way, sadly. Good luck.

 

[JulieN]

you aren''t helping them out at all if you bail them out when they have assets. that''s just spoiling them.

 

[vespergirl]

Thanks for your feedback, everyone. MC, it''s interesting what a similar story we have. I think that my friend who was telling me that you have to take care of your parents no matter what has never been subject to the type of childhoods that we experienced.

Cara, thanks for your suggestions too. I did therapy for several years while I was in college, and feel much better about how I relate with my parents these days. A couple of different psychologists that I have spoken with have told me that they think she is probably mentally ill. It makes it a little easier to deal with knowing that there is a chemical imbalance there, not just pure cruelty. Honestly, if my parents divorced, I would probably have no contact with my mother. However, since they are stiill married, and my dad is a good guy, I do need to talk to/see her occasionally in order to maintain a relationship with him. I knew automatically when my mother started hinting at staying with me that there is no way that I would ever want to live with her again (or have her live with my son) but after I shared that decision with some friends, they made me doubt myself and feel like it was irresponsible to "abandon" one''s parents. I figure that now she''s just reaping what she sowed for all those years when we were kids.

Anyway, thanks again everyone for your feedback, you have all really helped me get some perspective on this situation.

 

[HollyS]

No. To your situation. Simply no.

There are ways in which they could alleviate some of their cash flow issues; they CHOOSE not to. Don''t ever be someone''s safety net if they are unwilling to make serious choices. Don''t put yourself in the middle of their problems. . . which is where you will be if your mother comes to live with you.

 

[swingirl]

Your parents are not destitute. They are employable. They have possessions. They have multiple properties. They are making their own choices and you should let them life their lives on their own. It's up to them to figure out how to manage their money. On top of it you don't get along that well with your mother.

You don't want to damage your own home life. Stand firm with NO.

 

[April20]

Date: 8/3/2009 12:06:34 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 8/3/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
I vote for letting them clean up their own mess.


Sounds like they need a reality check.

Ditto. Normally I would say ''help them!'' but in their specific situation it doesn''t sound like they really NEED help.

Exactly what I was thinking. If they were truly in need, I would say help them. But it sounds as if they are not- it sounds like they are not willing to give up their "image" and are more worried about what people would think rather than adjusting to what their means are today. They need to sort themselves out. I don''t see how you have any obligation to do this for them.

 

[ChinaCat]

Ditto everyone else.

FWIW, my mom is sitting here next to me and I read this post to her. She said absolutely not, given all of the circumstances you mentioned. Just thought that was interesting!!!!

 

[tigian]

I''m so sorry to hear about this Vesper. Even when I make a decision regarding family, I can''t help but worry about my decision and wonder if it is the right thing (even if I know it is).
I also don''t agree with my parents financial decisions and their way of expecting others to help them out when they are perfectly capable of making decisions that don''t rely on others in any way.
I can''t offer any advice that hasn''t already been said, but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and I understand how hard it is to deal with difficult parents.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Everything has already been said, but I just wanted to add that even if they were not well-off, I would absolutely not allow an abusive parent to live in my home with me or my kids.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

This is slightly off-topic, but it reminds me of your situation regarding harboring residual animosity because of how your mother raised you.

One time I was asked by the pastor of a church to visit a mother who had been "committed" to an alzheimer''s nursing care facility by her family. The pastor wanted to get my opinion, because the mother was making big trouble at the facility.

I spent a couple hours talking to this woman, and then reported back to the pastor. I was pissed, because it seemed to me the woman had a "light" case of alzheimers, and in my opinion should still be functioning at home and being taken care of by her family (such as my wife and I were doing with her mother at the time, who was much worse).

It made me aggravated at her family that nobody was stepping up and taking care of her. She had a husband, sons & daughters. Why in the world, I thought, have none of these family members taken her in?

The pastor had to calm me down a bit, and he did it by almost slapping me across the face. "Richard", he said, "you don''t understand the whole situation".

"What is the whole situation?" I replied.

"This mother was essentially a bitch to her family for their entire lives. None of them now want her in their homes, and they are done with her. She is essentially reaping what she has sown."

It really set me back on my heels, reflecting on how people make their own beds.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/3/2009 11:40:32 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
This is slightly off-topic, but it reminds me of your situation regarding harboring residual animosity because of how your mother raised you.

One time I was asked by the pastor of a church to visit a mother who had been ''committed'' to an alzheimer''s nursing care facility by her family. The pastor wanted to get my opinion, because the mother was making big trouble at the facility.

I spent a couple hours talking to this woman, and then reported back to the pastor. I was pissed, because it seemed to me the woman had a ''light'' case of alzheimers, and in my opinion should still be functioning at home and being taken care of by her family (such as my wife and I were doing with her mother at the time, who was much worse).

It made me aggravated at her family that nobody was stepping up and taking care of her. She had a husband, sons & daughters. Why in the world, I thought, have none of these family members taken her in?

The pastor had to calm me down a bit, and he did it by almost slapping me across the face. ''Richard'', he said, ''you don''t understand the whole situation''.

''What is the whole situation?'' I replied.

''This mother was essentially a bitch to her family for their entire lives. None of them now want her in their homes, and they are done with her. She is essentially reaping what she has sown.''

It really set me back on my heels, reflecting on how people make their own beds.

The pastor used the word bitch?