Would you lend a friend $$$?

[HollyS]

My best friend, yes. She would rather die a thousand deaths than not repay me. Well, there is that $20.00 from 1983 when she left her husband and headed back home and needed to buy diapers for the baby . . . let''s see with interest that would be . . . .

Everyone else ... heck, no. And that includes my sisters. Now. It took one of them to ask for $$, and then not repay me, for me to learn that lesson.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/14/2008 7:15:33 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 8/14/2008 6:54:10 PM

Author: Linda W

Date: 8/14/2008 6:30:00 PM

Author: Dancing Fire

i don''t mind loaning $$$ to friends if they''re in trouble. i have this friend that wants to borrow 15K,he lives the life style of the rich and famous,goes on long vacations,drives a 100k BMW,lives in a big expensive home. i told him to take a hike !!!

Dancing Fire, can I borrow $20,000 tee hee.

Linda

Linda, no problem, if i can collect what my friends owe me through the years.

I hear ya!! I hate to tell you how much my hubbies sisters owe us. All 4 of them (when they were younger) We could put a huge down payment on another house.

 

[vita*dolce]

personally, i would never lend a friend money. if i had a friend in trouble i wouldn''t mind giving them some money, but i''d never give money with the hope of getting it back, because in my experience that always turns out badly. money makes things awkward...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/14/2008 7:00:32 PM
Author: Linda W

Date: 8/14/2008 6:57:07 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i know it is different with American society but in the Chinese society it is very common to loan friends money.

Yes, it is. I think I told you my husbands sister is married to a Chinese man. He supported all of their sisters at one time. He is a very kind and generous man.

yes, very common for Chinese to support their relatives especially if they''re new immigrants into this country.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If your friend knows you can easily spare it and she hasn''t shown any intention of paying you back (even at say $50 a week), she sounds like she''s using you. Sorry

How long have you two been friends?

 

[Linda W]

Nah, he supported my hubbie''s freeloading sister''s when they were younger. Hubby would have kicked them out.

 

[ahappygirl]

Ditto T-gal.

 

[kcoursolle]

Personally I feel that lending is an issue. That person probably won''t pay you back and every time you see that person you will think about it and it could definitely strain a relationship.

I''ve had a friend who encountered financial troubles. I felt it was best just to give a "gift" to help with his mortgage that month and told him that I didn''t expect anything back. I just gave what I felt comfortable with and I felt great about it rather than feeling annoyed every time I saw him.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''ve lent a few friends a couple of thousand and they all paid it back on time. I was pretty confident of their integrity and would have been surprised if it had become an issue to get repayment.

That said, for $500 I would probably mention it once, then let it go if nothing happened. Just consider it a $500 lesson.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 8/14/2008 6:38:15 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 8/14/2008 6:10:07 PM
Author: Bliss

Date: 8/14/2008 6:07:08 PM
Author: claudinam
I wish you had asked before you lent it!

I would feel really really guilty, but I would definitely say no. Only because I would not be OK with ''donating'' it. It would bother me until I got it back, so since I know that about myself...no, I wouldn''t lend it.

Thankfully, nobody has asked.

Claudinam... Thanks! I know, I know. I wrestled with it for a day before I decided to give it to her. She knows I can spare it easily so I felt like it would be really hard to say no. I just had a feeling it would be irritating if she never paid it back. It''s not so much the money, but the principle. I feel a little used/taken for a ride. My own fault for getting myself in this position.

Would you say something?

yep !! tell her you''re Sup-A Granny.

Thank you so much, everyone!!! I read each and every one of your posts and am very grateful for the sage advice. I''ll let you know what comes of my little "mention!"

Dancing Fire, yes! I will tell it straight like a Sup-A GRANNY!!!!!!! Hahahahaha. Knew you''d get me back for that one! Aiiiyaaaa!

 

[geckodani]

Date: 8/14/2008 6:08:48 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Well, since I don''t need friends like that, I''d definitely bring it up and if she doesn''t pay up, she obviously doesn''t value our friendship very much. I''d consider it a $500 lesson learned.

And no, I don''t lend friends money. I''m like Charlotte from SATC...friends and finances don''t mix. However, I would consider GIVING a friend some money if they were in true dire straits through no fault of their own (like a job layoff). I''d give the money and wouldn''t look back.

Exactly. I loaned a friend 400 bucks in college when her car broke down. It took me 2 years and a ruined friendship to get most of it back. *sigh* She similarly took a vacation a few months later, without having paid me back.

I''ll never make the same mistake again. Like TG said, if someone I knew was truly desperate, I''d absolutely gift them the money and never think twice about it. But having a friend that abuses genourosity sucks.

I''d definitely bring it up.

 

[Bliss]

Maybe when I'm not being Sup-A Granny I can be REPO-Granny?

For a small percentage, I would recollect on all your outstanding loans!
Just from DF's alone... it would be enough to buy sparklies for all PSers!

 

[iheartscience]

Ooh, that sucks. I would definitely bring it up-you don''t want your friendship strained over something like that. I would probably say something along the lines of "Hey, you know that loan I gave you? I was thinking you could just pay me back like $100 a month so it wouldn''t be such a big amount all at once. Does that sound like a plan?" and see what she says. I mean, $100 a month? Just about anyone could swing that. Good luck!

 

[Cleo]

To answer your question, yes I would happily lend friends money (and have done so on more than one occasion) - but only as much as I wouldn''t mind losing.. and only to my close friends.

In the past, with my best friends, I''ve tended to pay for dinner (or whatever) if I happened to have money and they didn''t... because I would rather we could go out & have fun together, than not go out at all, or have them worrying about money. When my friend has had money & I haven''t she''s returned the favour.

I would definitely remind your friend gently of the money she owes (especially as she seems to be spending now). Don''t fall out over it though, if your friendship is worth more.

I''ve heard the old adage of not lending or borrowing money - but I think it''s a shame to lose the spirit of generosity if it''s possible to be in a position to help out a friend in need.

I tend to have a small number of friends who are very close and special to me, and for whom I would do anything... including lending money, if I can afford to.

I think it''s very difficult to ask to borrow money - so I figure anyone that would ask must have a real need.

I know my own friends would never take advantage of me, but I guess for people that are quite obviously well-off I guess you have to be wary of this.

JMHO.

x x x

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/14/2008 6:08:48 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Well, since I don''t need friends like that, I''d definitely bring it up and if she doesn''t pay up, she obviously doesn''t value our friendship very much. I''d consider it a $500 lesson learned.


And no, I don''t lend friends money. I''m like Charlotte from SATC...friends and finances don''t mix. However, I would consider GIVING a friend some money if they were in true dire straits through no fault of their own (like a job layoff). I''d give the money and wouldn''t look back.

DITTO. I would never lend a friend money, but I would give money if it was needed.

I''m sorry your friend is behaving this way, what a sticky situation.

 

[neatfreak]

Lend like $20 if we''re out somewhere and a friend is out of cash? SURE. Bigger amounts? No way. But I would give $ to a friend who really needed it, no strings attached, if I was able to.

 

[CrookedRock]

Worst subject!

~I did it once for a roommate who showed up the next day with 2 new pairs of designer jeans... Not ok by me!

~Then I did it for a friend while living in Vegas. It was repaid to me a month later when I was handed chips in the amount that was borrowed. Never received a thank you or anything. Actually she gave me attitude about it... Long story...

~ Lent my father money 3 times in significant amounts since I was 18. Never seen a dime.

I will neer do it again as a loan. Like others have said, I would be happy to be able to help a good friend out. But in all honesty whenever I do even little things they tend to go unapreciated. Even worse they have started to become expected. Over it... Not worth it to me.

You should ask once. If she sends the money back then she''s a real friend. If she ignores it, well then.... Lesson Learned.. Wish my lesson only cost me $500...

Sorry to hear you are going through this... I know how it can eat at you.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 8/14/2008 6:35:39 PM
Author: diamondfan
What sucks is you did her a favor and now have to feel intimidated to ask for YOUR money back, which she promised to pay.


I might just be firm and pleasant, Hey, Susan,when can I expect the money back that I loaned you X weeks ago?


If she gives you crap, she is not a great friend. I would be mortified to have spent myself into trouble and borrow from a friend, and then spend money I could have used to pay her back on other things, and TELL her about this. She owes it, so you can decide that you really want it and want to make a point here, or you can let it go, but it becomes a pink elephant in the middle of the room which is bad.

I hate asking for what is mine it makes me sick but I have done it before.

I very rarely lend people money I lent a friend in HS $100 as her parents kicked her out of home mind you my income was $140 a fortnight at that stage so it was a massive loan it took me forever to get that money back but I did it on principal, since then I just don''t lend money to friends ever - don''t lend what you can''t afford to lose.

Ask her for it, not easy but you should get it back .

 

[somethingshiny]

My parents told me the same thing about the "donation". They were pretty much right. I don''t lend money that I EXPECT to get back. If it comes back, great, if not-oh well.

I know my friends/family wouldn''t ask for it unless they NEEDED it, so I consider it a kindness to give it and nothing more.

Case in point: my little sis was down to one vehicle in her family. We just bought a car but kept my old vehicle. It was worth $2500ish, but I "sold" it to her for $1000. She''s driving the vehicle and hopes to be able to make payments to us. I''m just happy that she and my nephew have a safe vehicle to drive. I don''t care about the money.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I think everyone has given you really great advice. I would have trouble being friends with someone who did that to me.

Sorry to threadjack- but thanks for all of the compliments on my kitty!

 

[diamondfan]

Look, it is one thing to do a kindness to someone really in need. But she spent too much, and then is traveling/attending concerts etc instead of paying her friend back. That is pretty tacky to me. I get getting into a bind, but she is repeating the trend on her spending with her boyfriend. She should have paid the money back first, plain and simple.

Remember Terri Garr''s line in Tootsie about sleeping with a guy and then running into him and he ''acts like I loaned him money"? When you lend, there is somewhat a resentment on the person borrowing, as they need it and have to ask for it...and that you have it...and then it can create awkwardness in the friendship afterwards.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/14/2008 9:07:07 PM
Author: Bliss
Maybe when I''m not being Sup-A Granny I can be REPO-Granny?

For a small percentage, I would recollect on all your outstanding loans!
Just from DF''s alone... it would be enough to buy sparklies for all PSers!

yep, wish i can collect some of the outstanding loans so i can buy myself a 2.5 ct diamond.

 

[diamondfan]

DF, be repro granny and go get that dough!!! Send the DF collection agency after them.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Bliss, any update?

My view on this is you''re a great friend for wanting to help her out, and she abused your trust in her by being careless with the money (the whole concert thing). My mom was in the same situation not long ago. A "friend" asked her for a loan of about $1500, saying her daughter really needed it for school expenses, etc. My mom is a total softy about making sure kids are provided for all right (partly because she always thinks about how she would feel if she needed the money for me!) and lent it to her. Found out later, this "friend" went gambling with all the money. Basically, Mom was FURIOUS, especially because of the deception part of it.

It seems your friend is well-intentioned and wasn''t deliberately deceiving you or anything! But still! I think it was pretty much accepted on both yours and her ends that this was a loan, not a gift, and she really should pay it back. And you are within your rights to ask her nicely but firmly when she plans to do so. it''s not like borrowing a cup of sugar or something, right? where the expectation isn''t that you''re going to get a cup of sugar back?

(I speak as a guilty borrower of sugar!

)

 

[Bliss]

I should pay all of YOU amazing PSers for this valuable lesson!

THANK YOU!

I sent a nice catch up e-mail the other day and mentioned it briefly at the end. It was a "Hey, any word on the mini-loan? Glad I was able to help out."

I''ve resolved to drop it whatever the response! And take it as a lesson learned. But I''ll keep you posted!

We are such good friends but she has gotten funny when it comes to moeny for some reason. My mom says I make this happen so it''s my own fault because I treat her to lunch/dinner all the time. I figure it''s because I make more than she does. But she has never reciprocated. I think I probably play a big role in creating these situations. If all things were equal, this probably wouldn''t happen. I have another friend who lost her job and I call her every other weekend to take her out. And I never expect her to reciprocate because it''s my pleasure to help her when she''s in need. But in other cases, money really can ruin a good thing, even in small amounts. Sigh.

I will keep you posted!!!!!

 

[CrookedRock]

BLiss~ I think that was a great way to handle it, and you have the right attitude to resolve to drop it regardless of the response.

It''s so tough, bc like you I enjoy doing things for people. Although recently my FI and I have realized that people are coming to expect it. For example if we start a tab at a bar for convenience sake, no one ever offers to pay their part.(that''s just a small example) I love doing things like picking up the bill, but not when it''s expected and unappreciated. I am trying to change how I do this now bc it was starting to become hurtful to us. Maybe it wouldn''t hurt to rethink all those times you take your friends out even though you enjoy doing it. I know I will do it less now.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 8/15/2008 10:31:06 AM
Author: CrookedRock
BLiss~ I think that was a great way to handle it, and you have the right attitude to resolve to drop it regardless of the response.

It's so tough, bc like you I enjoy doing things for people. Although recently my FI and I have realized that people are coming to expect it. For example if we start a tab at a bar for convenience sake, no one ever offers to pay their part.(that's just a small example) I love doing things like picking up the bill, but not when it's expected and unappreciated. I am trying to change how I do this now bc it was starting to become hurtful to us. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to rethink all those times you take your friends out even though you enjoy doing it. I know I will do it less now.

CrookedRock, me too!!!!! That is the story of my life! My mom says I bring it on myself because I "train" people to expect it. I had a niece come over to my house and gave her soooo much stuff -- makeup, clothes, jewelry and etc. But in the end, she stole from me! She had no need to... I would have happily given her whatever she desired. It was just makeup and brushes that she took... It really hurt my feelings! My mom said, "See, you gave too much and she came to expect and want more more more. It's human nature." I was pretty blown away by it.

Generosity often does get taken advantage of, unfortunately. And it's not willful, it's just human nature. The ones who do not take advantage and are not "greedy" as in more-more-more are GOLD. Try just doing everything equally and see who sticks around. That's what I'm doing!!!! They should stick around because it's ME and they want to be my friend, not my freeloading buddy. LOL.

Hey, I wonder if they see your ring and are like, "SHE can well afford to..." Do you think this happens a lot? But just because you like fabulous things doesn't make you an ATM! TGal put that best.

Plus, saving is really important. We don't want to be old and think we blew a ton of money in our youth paying for everyone.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I''m so sad that so many people have been ungrateful with you fellow PSers

It depends on what the reason is for borrowing money. I have no problem loaning someone money for a little gas until they get paid, or lunch if someone eats theirs or something. My brother and I have always been generous when it comes to food.

I will not loan money to someone that blows their money elsewhere. I used to be really good friends with a co-worker, and when one of us was short on cash, the other would buy lunch. We always traded off and it was awesome. Then she seperated from her husband...and suddenly she was a completely different person. She would blow all of her money on alcohol on the weekends and then ask me for money. I gave her some at first, not knowing she changed so much, but I learned real quick what she was doing. She had a two year old baby at home and she turned into a total (excuse me for language) slut. She slept around and got pregnant twice and aborted both times (in a years time), and the second time after she got fired for never coming to work, she had the cajones to ask me for $100 to help her to do it! Needless to say, I said no.

We aren''t really friends anymore, and I miss the old person she was. But I don''t miss the new one at all.

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/15/2008 10:35:45 AM
Author: Bliss

CrookedRock, me too!!!!! That is the story of my life! My mom says I bring it on myself because I ''train'' people to expect it. I had a niece come over to my house and gave her soooo much stuff -- makeup, clothes, jewelry and etc. But in the end, she stole from me! She had no need to... I would have happily given her whatever she desired. It was just makeup and brushes that she took... It really hurt my feelings! My mom said, ''See, you gave too much and she came to expect and want more more more. It''s human nature.'' I was pretty blown away by it.

Generosity often does get taken advantage of, unfortunately. And it''s not willful, it''s just human nature. The ones who do not take advantage and are not ''greedy'' as in more-more-more are GOLD. Try just doing everything equally and see who sticks around. That''s what I''m doing!!!! They should stick around because it''s ME and they want to be my friend, not my freeloading buddy. LOL.

Hey, I wonder if they see your ring and are like, ''SHE can well afford to...'' Do you think this happens a lot? But just because you like fabulous things doesn''t make you an ATM! TGal put that best.

Plus, saving is really important. We don''t want to be old and think we blew a ton of money in our youth paying for everyone.

It''s the story of mine too! It''s actually emotionally draining on me bc I am always trying my hardest to make everyone feel included and comfortable, then at the end of the day I feel totally unappreciated. Maybe I just need to be a little more frugal. I notice when I go out to dinner with friends that people are always trying to split the bill down to the last penny. I don''t work that way... If there is three couples, just split it three ways.. it all works itself out in the end (Usually

).

The ring thing is interesting... Of my married friends I def have the most expensive ring, and they know that not bc I told them, but bc it''s obvious. (1ct vs 4ct) We also def live a more extravagant life than most of our friends when it comes to house, travelling, etc... But we love to share these things with them! We really really do! Oddly, it''s the little things that get me like dinner and bar tabs... I have no problem hosting parties at my house (and I do it a lot) bc I enjoy it for myself!
I''m gonna have to try to equal things out like you suggested, and see what happens. Even though we love doing things for our friends, it isn''t worth the emotional cost in the end. I guess it really is human nature. Just can''t imagine being on the other side, bc I am always so aware of not making people feel the way I feel in these situations.

 

[partgypsy]

Would you lend a friend money? It really depends. If I trusted the person to pay me back, I would. I lent $700 about 10 years ago to some friends because they were making a music cd (hey I''m a producer!) We wrote up a contract and everything, and no problems being paid back.
When I was a poor graduate student I borrowed $150 from my little brother to get a washer and dryer (used) and paid him back in installments of $40 till he was paid back.

Don''t mistake loans and gifts. There is my mom and sister. They have had dire straits at times, and I have given them small amounts for specific things (such as a dental bill) that was money I could spare and don''t expect to ever get back. One period of time my mother was asking for a much larger amount (in the thousands) as a loan, and I said no because I knew I would never be paid back, and I couldn''t afford that kind of loss.

If you have cool friends, it''s not such a worry. But I wouldn''t just hand over the money without discussion of repayment and recourse, maybe even a contract so it is crystal clear what the