Would you forgive your SO cheating on you.

[Gypsy]

My DF and I were talking about some friends of ours (not the ''nudge nudge wink wink type of friends,'' but rather real friends) and he said this to me, "Before I met you I always swore that I wouldn''t be able to stand being with a person who cheated on me, but that''s changed."

Which was a strange comment as I''ve never cheated, and neither has he... but I understood what he meant. For us, after nearly 8 years of being togetheer, our relationship is about so much more than the physical...that if it truly just a one time slip... I can see myself eventually forgiving him... provided that there was no ''I think I''m in love with her'' or (extra) humilation involved.

Without any confessions or anything like that... does anyone else understand that? Because its wierd to me, that NOW that I''m in a stable, long term, commited relationship cheating isn''t a brightline deal breaker anymore.

There was a movie, or maybe it was a book, where a middle age woman in England''s husband left her for a younger woman ... and her daughter could not understand why the mother would not accept that he was gone. She would go about her daily routine as if he could be coming home any time. And at the end, he did. We walked in and hovered by the kitchen door uncertain, until she looked at him and asked him what he wanted to eat. Relieved, he sat... she cooked and placed the meal in front of him. He looked at her and said, "I''ve been a fool." She replied, "Yes." and that was it.

Funny thing is... it made perfect sense to me. Anyone else?

 

[strmrdr]

Forgive yes, forget and live happily ever after,, no

 

[mtrb]

I have been with my wife for 5 years and it would be a deal breaker for me. It would be something I would never be able to get out of my head. We are all tempted, but I have never cheated on her, and never would. I wouldn't even go to a massage parlor which in my mind is like 1/2 cheating. That said men generally do it for a different reason then women...in fact a more basic hardwired reason..spreading his seed and sex.

For men its generally about pure sex and it means nothing more than that.
For women it is about intimacy, romance and mental connections.

Men and women tend to think differently. Maybe this is not true for 100% of the people out there...but I would bet $$ that my generalization above is true for most.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hmmm. I''ve really thought about this one as well.

I wonder if I could forgive him and move on, if it really was a "one time" slip. But then I think...he would put all of *this* in jeopardy for a ONE TIME slip???

For my own mental health (which is scary even in its healthiest state

) I''d have to make myself move on.

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:13:09 PM
Author: strmrdr
Forgive yes, forget and live happily ever after,, no

Ditto. I''d probably forgive at some point, but the relationship would be over. Period.

 

[Mara]

I know what you mean.

For me, we are married. And that means a lot to me. A serious committment. If something happened ... then it would depend on the circumstance for forgiving and moving on. aka if he was carrying on some affair for months, lying and cheating, and then I found out without him telling me and he tried to LIE or something...that would be really hard for me to get over and move on (assuming we both wanted to). But if there was a one night mistake, and he came clean and admitted it to me and knew his mistake and wanted to make it up and move on....I would really try.

I think that too many people have the black and white and 'oh this is a deal breaker' kinda mentality ..but I think when you are married, it supposed to be for better or worse. Cheating could be seriously considered a worse. But if you are committed to the relationship, rather both of you are, I think that you can get past it. I have seen couples who have been able to get past it with a ton of work on the relationship (because typically there is a reason someone cheats) but they were committed and loved each other and had a family and they have come out stronger and happier than they were in years. And sometimes I think cheating could destroy a couple if they aren't committed or can't forgive or have that hard line mentality. But for me it's shades of gray as to how I would react, how it would affect my marriage etc. The situation is a huge part of it, but I am mentally committed...and if he was to fixing it then I would try to.

Oh ETA that for Greg I think it would be a dealbreaker or close to it. He might try to move on past it and we might succeed but he takes a harder line than I do about that kind of stuff. Maybe because I have seen it happen to people I know and love and they have done an intense amount of work to regain what was lost and in the end it's better than ever. So I tend to have a more 'shades of gray' mentality. But I think for many men they have a serious kind of macho thing going on where they are like 'my woman' *grunt* kinda thing. haha. And if we had a family, I'd probably die trying to make it work.

 

[KristyDarling]

Well, call me an unforgiving wench but it''s still a dealbreaker for me. If he doesn''t love and respect me enough to keep it in his pants, then that means there is something very wrong with the relationship. I suppose I *might* consider a reconciliation with the help of a marriage counselor, especially since we have kids and I''d really want to keep the family together if at all possible...but knowing the way I am, the damage done might be too great for me to ever fully recover from the hurt. Trust has flown out the window. For me, any extramarital sex -- regardless of how emotionally meaningless it might''ve been -- is a deliberate act and not a "momentary insanity" kind of mistake. That part of our relationship is so precious to me that I could never stomach the idea of him sharing that with someone else, even if he said it didn''t mean anything. It would shatter my heart to pieces.

 

[divergrrl]

I used to think "I''d leave him in a heartbeat!!!" , but now that we have a family, I think I could stay with him. There is so much more at stake than just my pride. As long as there was still love, I''d certainly give counseling a fair shake.

But I think if the tables were turned, and if I were to ever be unfaithful, I doubt my DH could get past it. Fortunately, I''ve never been interested in that kind of behavior and quite like monogamy, it fits me well. But he''s just soooo sensitive, and used to hold grudges forever until I taught him that was unhealthy...but I still know him, it would be a dealbreaker.

Good thing for him, I''m a loyal wife.

DG

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:21:38 PM
Author: Rascal49

Date: 1/16/2007 4:13:09 PM
Author: strmrdr
Forgive yes, forget and live happily ever after,, no

Ditto. I''d probably forgive at some point, but the relationship would be over. Period.

Same for me. It''s a core betrayal of a vow & trust.

 

[E B]

I wouldn't forgive nor would I forget. If my fiance cheated on me, I'd have a hard time trusting men again and for that, I wouldn't forgive. Needless to say, the relationship would end without question.

 

[mtrb]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:23:42 PM
Author: KristyDarling
Well, call me an unforgiving wench but it's still a dealbreaker for me. If he doesn't love and respect me enough to keep it in his pants, then that means there is something very wrong with the relationship. I suppose I *might* consider a reconciliation with the help of a marriage counselor, especially since we have kids and I'd really want to keep the family together if at all possible...but knowing the way I am, the damage done might be too great for me to ever fully recover from the hurt. Trust has flown out the window. For me, any extramarital sex -- regardless of how emotionally meaningless it might've been -- is a deliberate act and not a 'momentary insanity' kind of mistake. That part of our relationship is so precious to me that I could never stomach the idea of him sharing that with someone else, even if he said it didn't mean anything. It would shatter my heart to pieces.

And there is the rub... Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.
Sex is entirely seperate from love for most guys. Most of us love our wives and learn how to incorporate this into sex for the benefit of our partner, but it is not inherently natural for most men. That is why men slip. I think with women the issues with the marriage go much deeper and that is when a woman slips.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:22:36 PM
Author: Mara
I know what you mean.

For me, we are married. And that means a lot to me. A serious committment. If something happened ... then it would depend on the circumstance for forgiving and moving on. aka if he was carrying on some affair for months, lying and cheating, and then I found out without him telling me and he tried to LIE or something...that would be really hard for me to get over and move on (assuming we both wanted to). But if there was a one night mistake, and he came clean and admitted it to me and knew his mistake and wanted to make it up and move on....I would really try.

I think that too many people have the black and white and ''oh this is a deal breaker'' kinda mentality ..but I think when you are married, it''s for better or worse. Cheating could be seriously considered a worse. But if you are committed to the relationship, rather both of you are, I think that you can get past it. I have seen couples who have been able to get past it with a ton of work on the relationship (because typically there is a reason someone cheats) but they were committed and loved each other and had a family and they have come out stronger and happier than they were in years. And sometimes I think cheating could destroy a couple if they aren''t committed or can''t forgive or have that hard line mentality. But for me it''s shades of gray as to how I would react, how it would affect my marriage etc. The situation is a huge part of it, but I am mentally committed...and if he was to fixing it then I would try to.

You said that much better than I ever could have Mara.

It would greatly depend on the situation... but I can see it happening. It is a matter of the level of mental commitment, and about what it means to be together (or married) ... its about the day to day stuff, the sharing the caring, the history... finishing each others thoughts, and anticipating each others reactions. Its about being friends, and partners.

And yes, it would obviously cross my mind that he should have cared about all of that too. But, well. I''ve been attracted to men other than my fiance... and sometimes there is a ''what if'' in the back of my mind for a second, and in that second I almost forget all of THAT while focusing on what''s in front of me. I always snap back, quickly, but I could see how I might not, if things at home were bad and I wasn''t getting what I needed there. I''m not saying I WOULD cheat in that case... but I can see how it would be possible to forget the foundation of the relationship when that foundation is obscured by problems... and then someone comes along right at that moment that you hope will make you forget. But they don''t and when you wake up... you remember the foundation, and realize how much it means to you... and what an idiot you were.

It would be nice if that WEREN''T hindsight. If that were foresight, all the time... as it is now. But we''re human, and mistakes, and stupidity happen.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband is so darn faithful to me in every way I can''t even fathom how I would respond. I think if it was a one time deal I could forgive (but never forget), if it was a long term affair I''d be out the door.

We are acquainted with a newly married couple who have a very strange rule in place: he can cheat three times without consequences. The fourth time she''ll leave. I can''t even imagine starting out a marriage with this mentality. Different strokes...

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Well, an affair would be hard to get over. But I guess I can think of one scenario I could forgive. I''d say it would sort of be like the Frank Gifford situation where he was kind of set up. A BIG mistake, one night situation where maybe alcohol was involved and better judgement went out the window.

I know I''ve been faithful for 30 years and I assume my husband has been as well. But if I now found out that on some trip long ago something bad happened, I doubt I would leave. But my true preference is never to know. What''s past is past and what would matter to me is that it never happened again. An affair requires deliberate planning and a lot of deceit, and I would be unlikely to stay with someone who did that to me.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:31:50 PM
Author: mtrb


And there is the rub... Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.
Sex is entirely seperate from love for most guys. Most of us love our wives and learn how to incorporate this into sex for the benefit of our partner, but it is not inherently natural for most men. That is why men slip. I think with women the issues with the marriage go much deeper and that is when a woman slips.

Yeah. See what I don''t do... is buy this for a SECOND. And I know that my DF doesn''t buy into this either. Thank God.

 

[poptart]

DH and I have discussed this at length and answers to the "what ifs" are still hard to come to. For both of us, we have trouble understanding what would bring someone to cheat. I mean, we understand the sex issue and the emotional needs as well, but what we don''t get is why that person would not just end the first relationship if they were SO unsure of the other person that they would be lead to cheating. But I guess a lot of factors would play into being unfaithful... such as alcohol, a huge fight with your spouse, etc., not to mention there are kind of TWO ways to cheat. 1) being a one-time slip up OR 2) ongoing cheating, lying, sneaking around.

That being said, it''s hard to know what I would do. I asked DH once if I were unfaithful would he leave or would he stay. He thought about it a minute and then said he would probably stay but he would have a really hard time trusting me and nothing would ever be the same. However, he said that he would still love me and couldn''t imagine not being with me. I, on the other hand, said I would probably leave. Probably. But sometimes I think if it came right down to it, I would be too afraid and I do love him so much I wouldn''t be willing to let all of that go. If it had been an ongoing thing though, I would not be able to stick it out unless there were children involved, in which case I would make a good effort. It''s a difficult position and one that I pray I''m never in. Luckily DH and I like monogamy, haha.

*M*

 

[fire&ice]

Here''s my point of view - I don''t think I could have a practical approach to this issue. I''ve always considered myself a pragmatist. Not in this issue.

Also, while maybe men are different and it is JUST sex - still you are making a conscious decision to break a vow. I don''t think the brain just exists below the waist.

 

[dani13]

I agree 100% with Kristydarling- it's like she took the words right out of my mouth...it would absolutely devastate me and shatter my heart to know that my FI/ husband -to -be were with someone else so intimately....I know myself, I have a hard time forgiving in general- this is just something I could never get over. FI and I have spoken about this several times- I have told him in the past(not as a threat, just general discussion) that if he ever chooses that route, he might as well choose to never be with me again, because if I found out I would have to leave him, no matter how hard it was. Its just something that I know I could never get over. I could see Gypsy and Mara's points totally, I just dont think I am the type of person to be able to do that/think that way. Just can't.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:31:50 PM
Author: mtrb

Date: 1/16/2007 4:23:42 PM
Author: KristyDarling
Well, call me an unforgiving wench but it''s still a dealbreaker for me. If he doesn''t love and respect me enough to keep it in his pants, then that means there is something very wrong with the relationship. I suppose I *might* consider a reconciliation with the help of a marriage counselor, especially since we have kids and I''d really want to keep the family together if at all possible...but knowing the way I am, the damage done might be too great for me to ever fully recover from the hurt. Trust has flown out the window. For me, any extramarital sex -- regardless of how emotionally meaningless it might''ve been -- is a deliberate act and not a ''momentary insanity'' kind of mistake. That part of our relationship is so precious to me that I could never stomach the idea of him sharing that with someone else, even if he said it didn''t mean anything. It would shatter my heart to pieces.

And there is the rub... Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.
Sex is entirely seperate from love for most guys. Most of us love our wives and learn how to incorporate this into sex for the benefit of our partner, but it is not inherently natural for most men. That is why men slip. I think with women the issues with the marriage go much deeper and that is when a woman slips.

Then if you believe this - you would understand the hurt inflicted on your wife. And, for that reason, keep the vow. Correct?

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:15:34 PM
Author: mtrb
I have been with my wife for 5 years and it would be a deal breaker for me. It would be something I would never be able to get out of my head.

I have been with my husband for 14 years, 12 married....it''s the same for me. I''d never be able to get over the fact that trust, which is so important to me, was broken...I don''t know how I''d ever be able to get over it.

I work with couples that deal with this day in and day out. I find it so admirable that they want to see past the infidelity and work with them based on this. I, personally, couldn''t do it.

 

[poptart]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:36:17 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 1/16/2007 4:31:50 PM
Author: mtrb


And there is the rub... Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.
Sex is entirely seperate from love for most guys. Most of us love our wives and learn how to incorporate this into sex for the benefit of our partner, but it is not inherently natural for most men. That is why men slip. I think with women the issues with the marriage go much deeper and that is when a woman slips.

Yeah. See what I don''t do... is buy this for a SECOND. And I know that my DF doesn''t buy into this either. Thank God.

I''ve got to agree with Gypsy on that. Sex and love are intermingled for BOTH of us... thank goodness! Men NEEDING to spread their seed, and love being separate from sex is a social standard that I think many men buy into as an excuse for cheating. I don''t buy it.

PS. No offense to you MTRB, I understand you are just presenting one opinion. (I am deathly afraid of offending people on this board because they all seem so nice, haha.)

*M*

 

[KristyDarling]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:36:17 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 1/16/2007 4:31:50 PM

Author: mtrb

And there is the rub... Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.

Sex is entirely seperate from love for most guys. Most of us love our wives and learn how to incorporate this into sex for the benefit of our partner, but it is not inherently natural for most men. That is why men slip. I think with women the issues with the marriage go much deeper and that is when a woman slips.

Yeah. See what I don't do... is buy this for a SECOND. And I know that my DF doesn't buy into this either. Thank God.

I know! I'm SO tired of hearing this sorry schtick. It's just a convenient excuse that allows them to cheat and keep their conscience clear. "I'm biologically programmed to procreate so you see, honey, it was an evolutionary impulse and it's not because I don't love you."

(and MTRB, this wasn't directed at you. I know you were just presenting a popularly held notion!)

 

[dani13]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:44:55 PM
Author: KristyDarling

Date: 1/16/2007 4:36:17 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 1/16/2007 4:31:50 PM

Author: mtrb

And there is the rub... Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.

Sex is entirely seperate from love for most guys. Most of us love our wives and learn how to incorporate this into sex for the benefit of our partner, but it is not inherently natural for most men. That is why men slip. I think with women the issues with the marriage go much deeper and that is when a woman slips.

Yeah. See what I don''t do... is buy this for a SECOND. And I know that my DF doesn''t buy into this either. Thank God.

I know! I''m SO tired of hearing this sorry schtick. It''s just a convenient excuse that allows them to cheat and keep their conscience clear. ''I''m biologically programmed to procreate so you see, honey, it was an evolutionary impulse and it''s not because I don''t love you.''

(and MTRB, this wasn''t directed at you. I know you were just presenting a popularly held notion!)

LOL, KD!!!!!

 

[ello]

I tried to forgive and forget once before but it grew into a Big MONSTER of suspicion /lack of trust and personal insecurity. It did not last more than 3 months. Our relationship never fully recovered. I also found that my self esteem went down - it took me months to believe that I was also hottie and that it was his lost! hee-hee!

 

[poptart]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:46:56 PM
Author: Ries
I tried to forgive and forget once before but it grew into a Big MONSTER of suspicion /lack of trust and personal insecurity. It did not last more than 3 months. Our relationship never fully recovered. I also found that my self esteem went down - it took me months to believe that I was also hottie and that it was his lost! hee-hee!

The self-esteem issue is also another thing that comes into play. I have friends who''ve been cheated on and it sure does plummet your self-worth and self-esteem. My friend has yet to believe she deserves a good man.

*M*

 

[Cehrabehra]

when we were first married and for several years after we both held each other''s private parts in rigid posession.... he still does. Neither of us has cheated but if he were to I''d probably overlook it but ''ve already told him that if he does I won''t leave him but it''ll basically be a license for me to tie one on - a freebie so to speak. Well he''ll have none of that so he keeps it in his pants lol! I could still live with him but I don''t think I could unless I knew I could or did sleep with someone else myself. Monogamy is non-negotiable in this house, but it''s also something I envy a *little* bit in my single friends.... if he were to open that pandora''s box I''d make the best of it but I don''t think sex is a reason to break up a family. It would also depend on the level of betrayal. I dunno... my thoughts on this have changed over the years lol

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:15:34 PM
Author: mtrb
I have been with my wife for 5 years and it would be a deal breaker for me. It would be something I would never be able to get out of my head. We are all tempted, but I have never cheated on her, and never would. I wouldn''t even go to a massage parlor which in my mind is like 1/2 cheating. That said men generally do it for a different reason then women...in fact a more basic hardwired reason..spreading his seed and sex.

For men its generally about pure sex and it means nothing more than that.
For women it is about intimacy, romance and mental connections.

Men and women tend to think differently. Maybe this is not true for 100% of the people out there...but I would bet $$ that my generalization above is true for most.

massage parlors are not half cheating - sexual organs intermixing with other sexual organs is.... well cheating LOL

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:44:30 PM
Author: poptart

Date: 1/16/2007 4:36:17 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 1/16/2007 4:31:50 PM
Author: mtrb


And there is the rub... Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.
Sex is entirely seperate from love for most guys. Most of us love our wives and learn how to incorporate this into sex for the benefit of our partner, but it is not inherently natural for most men. That is why men slip. I think with women the issues with the marriage go much deeper and that is when a woman slips.

Yeah. See what I don''t do... is buy this for a SECOND. And I know that my DF doesn''t buy into this either. Thank God.

I''ve got to agree with Gypsy on that. Sex and love are intermingled for BOTH of us... thank goodness! Men NEEDING to spread their seed, and love being separate from sex is a social standard that I think many men buy into as an excuse for cheating. I don''t buy it.

PS. No offense to you MTRB, I understand you are just presenting one opinion. (I am deathly afraid of offending people on this board because they all seem so nice, haha.)

*M*

Just a different POV on this subject. My husband and I were discussing the issue of marriage this morning based on a newspaper article we both read. We were mulling over whether or not marriage would soon become extinct in our society as there are more women living alone than with a spouse now. He stated that since the beginning of time in all different locations on the earth there has been marriage in some form or another, which leads him to believe there is something biological in us, as humans, that creates a desire to be monogomous. It''s the biochemist in him coming out, but I found it to be interesting as we hear all to often that it is in mans nature to go forth and mutliply with multitudes of women.

 

[Kaleigh]

I don''t know what I''d do. After 20 years of marriage it would really break my heart. I would be mad as hel* but would probably forgive him in time. Guess it depends on the circumstances.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/16/2007 4:22:36 PM
Author: Mara

Oh ETA that for Greg I think it would be a dealbreaker or close to it. He might try to move on past it and we might succeed but he takes a harder line than I do about that kind of stuff. Maybe because I have seen it happen to people I know and love and they have done an intense amount of work to regain what was lost and in the end it''s better than ever. So I tend to have a more ''shades of gray'' mentality. But I think for many men they have a serious kind of macho thing going on where they are like ''my woman'' *grunt* kinda thing. haha. And if we had a family, I''d probably die trying to make it work.

ITA with all of this and it made me LOL the grunting men image hahaha and now that I think about it the kids might have something to do with it...