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Will the real you please stand up...?

Do you wear a mask for others?

  • I often present a more acceptable view of myself to others. I know it is not the real me.

    Votes: 8 16.0%
  • I am mostly OK with myself but I sometimes mask.

    Votes: 15 30.0%
  • I rarely or never present an inauthentic version of myself to others.

    Votes: 25 50.0%
  • I know people who mask

    Votes: 9 18.0%
  • I don't know anyone who masks

    Votes: 1 2.0%

  • Total voters
    50

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
779
This article sparked a conversation in another thread but it's off topic and really deserving of it's own. Please read the article to understand what masking is vs social courtesy or professionalism etc. If you feel comfortable answering... Do you ever find yourself masking? Do you know others who mask? How common do you think this is among people you know, your coworkers?

 

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
779
I feel very comfortable sharing the answers for myself. My upbringing was dysfunctional and there was a time entering college that I masked. I was confident in myself but unsure how others might view me. If I had been an insecure person I probably would not have made it out of a dysfunctional life. But, I didn't have a good grasp on life/behavior outside of my dysfunctional home. I masked, even lied to hide that about myself. I pretended to be 'normal' when I wasn't exactly sure what that looked like. I found myself doing what others did to try to fit in. It did not take me long to realize that most people would accept me for me and not judge me for things I did not control...my family and upbringing. Those people who would judge me...well I was better off without them and better being myself and not trying to pretend someone else. I was most open with my boyfriend (now husband) but I considered that a huge test for him. I had shared a lot but was terrified when he came to meet my family and see my home for the first time. He never even blinked. That pretty much sealed it for me. If the person I loved most could accept me for me....I guess everyone else would either take me or leave me. It took a few years to fully shake off the dysfunction and become me in a new space but there was no looking back, no pretending, no changing myself to try to please people....especially my family.
 

arkieb1

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2012
Messages
9,579
Nope, I'm a really insensitive bitch that has little to no filters in real life. I don't say anything online I wouldn't say to your face, which means there is very little I wouldn't say to your face and I've reached an age in life where if people don't like me or don't like that I'm brutally honest to the point of offending people, I really don't give a F#&*
 

marymm

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
4,147
I'm not much of a social creature but will don a chattier courteous version of myself in order to weather get-togethers that I am forced/obligated to attend.

In the workplace when people are talking current events, vacations, etc. I mostly keep my views & opinions to myself because they are my co-workers not my friends or family and I don't want/need to be chatty with them.

I do consider both of the above to be masks of a kind, and I'm okay with it.

And, yes, I do know more than a few people who are what we used to call poseurs ... YMMV.
 

Bayek

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
6,941
I'm pretty much who I am, but I don't have to mask anymore because I'm almost 70, when I was young in the 60s 70s I was whoever I was to be accepted.

Glad to see you read btw. Here's another one:

 
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Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 3, 2004
Messages
31,803
Nope, I'm a really insensitive bitch that has little to no filters in real life. I don't say anything online I wouldn't say to your face, which means there is very little I wouldn't say to your face and I've reached an age in life where if people don't like me or don't like that I'm brutally honest to the point of offending people, I really don't give a F#&*
I like your style... drinksemot.gif
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
6,193
I definitely wear a mask to cover my feelings, to the outside world it seems like my feelings are not easily hurt and that I'm a very unemotional person. Of course its quite the opposite but if people know how to get to you then they are at an advantage. This is what you get growing up in a highly dysfunctional environment.

Also I'm rather introverted but I will play the extrovert for social occasions even though it is physically exhausting because I know my husband doesn't want to always go to things by himself.
 

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
779
I have known people with varying degrees of masking behaviors. . I shared a bit about the serious ones in the other thread. One is my BIL and he hasn't been real in most of the 30+ years I've known him. Everyone sees it eventually, ...but he just keeps pretending. I'm not sure he sees the difference most of the time now. It's tragically sad.
I most struggle with people who go out of their way to try to make themselves seem impressive. It is a very strong indicator of self esteem issues to me...the need for reassurance and to be told they are wonderful. I find those people exhausting. I don't schmooze very well. LOL
Next would be guys who suffer from short man syndrome. I'm nearly 5'11" and have encountered some short men who really get out of sorts...some actually make direct comments. WTH??!?
 

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
779
I definitely wear a mask to cover my feelings, to the outside world it seems like my feelings are not easily hurt and that I'm a very unemotional person. Of course its quite the opposite but if people know how to get to you then they are at an advantage. This is what you get growing up in a highly dysfunctional environment.

Also I'm rather introverted but I will play the extrovert for social occasions even though it is physically exhausting because I know my husband doesn't want to always go to things by himself.
Your reaction to a dysfunctional upbringing is pretty common and I'm glad you also made it out!! I'm sorry you had those experiences. (((hugs)))
I went the opposite direction though....I don't let anything in and then it can't hurt me. It truly takes a lot to offend me and only a few people really close to me could do it. And then I don't seem hurt...I seem angry. It doesn't happen often but especially DH knows that if I'm angry I'm most likely hurt. I don't like to play emotional games, it's horribly unfair in a relationship but I have not been able respond more appropriately even after all these years. I do think I'm most often angry at myself....for allowing myself to be hurt....like I wasn't strong enough to repel it or build a wall to contain it. It's the biggest emotional hangup/baggage I carry from having to grow up bulletproof, terrified of believing the things that were said to/about me.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
28,426
I try to live by the saying, "What others think of me is none of my business".
That's probably obvious here on PS ... but to prove it I have a substantial record of being banned.
The person I really am is not allowed on PS, so I temper it to stay here since I really like the community.

IOW, I'm a liar.
If nothing got one banned here, I'd be even more honest. :Up_to_something:

I'm very angry about how some people harm others, but I have to shut up about it here in the name of "niceness". :rolleyes:
But all this is something I must accept if I am to remain on a privately-owned Internet forum that wants to welcome everyone, yet expects only pleasantness to prevail.
 
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Asscherhalo_lover

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Aug 16, 2007
Messages
4,697
Bloop: what I do is "professional" masking. In real life, no, I do not hide who I am.

I'm a teacher, self control and "holding it in" is a necessary skill in my profession. I can "mask" like nobody's business. I can't tell you the things that have happened to me and I just have to stay neutral or smile and take it.
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
6,193
So sorry @1ofakind, sometimes the family we get is not the family we need or want. My family (entire family including two brothers, uncles, aunts cousins) couldn't give a flip less about me, it really REALLY bothers me. It's like everyone died but they didn't they just don't exist in my world at all. Brothers, how can you not care about your little sister, no contact for over 20 years, seriously baffles me. What hurts is the complete indifference, I only got out becaause my step-mother was an evil witch and I moved out at 16.

I'm sorry that you still carry around the effects, it's amazing how that period of 18 years before we branch out on our own has such a profound effect on the rest of our lives.

Sorry that was a little more than probably anyone was interested in but the family situation is a sore spot.
 

SandyinAnaheim

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 8, 2014
Messages
976
Like @arkieb1, I have very few filters as well and tell it like it is....making me very popular and scintillating at social events. :mrgreen: But I am not insensitive and have very good intentions, even though the receiver may not like what I have to say. Like @YadaYadaYada I also had evil stepparents and was thrown out of my house at 15 with nowhere to go. Haven't spoken to my mother or sister since 2002...no big loss and it doesn't bother me a bit.

I don't mask at all, but I am incredibly transparent. I don't even have to say anything for others to guess how I feel. I cannot stand hypocrites or double-faced people. I don't want to interpret what people are telling me or decipher what they really mean. I expect actual honesty in my dealings with others, as that is what I give them. Don't sugarcoat or beat around the bush, just lay it out there so I can figure out how to proceed with what IS, not what I THINK you mean. People who are like me appreciate these traits, those that are masking or false, don't. It's a great way to separate the wheat from the chaff.
 

Karl_K

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
9,746
Dunno if this counts but im much more shy and guarded in person than online.
Having no memory for faces and very little for names is a large part of that.
I was relieved to find out I was not the only one who had that when I looked it up online many years ago.
 

mellowyellowgirl

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 17, 2014
Messages
3,630
I'm very much the way I am online. Super bubbly and was a massive hugger pre Covid19.

I believe I'm very authentic in my interactions with people but I do filter so as to not be needlessly cruel about anything. It's not that I need people view me a certain way, it's more that I don't want to make someone sad if I know a certain comment will make them sad for no useful purpose.

If the truth is useful I will say it in the nicest possible way but if it makes no difference I don't believe in making someone sad.

I also probably have some very harsh views about life that only my husband and best friend are privy to.

I'm a bit neurotic in real life too but I try to pin point the exact moment my crazy emerges and resist the crazy. I can actually feel the compulsion to obsess about a particular thing at times and actively try to ramp it down.

I hate hate hate competitive, passive aggressive behavior. If I'm jealous of someone I will declare it loudly and swoon over whatever it is they have that I'm envious of. I find it ridiculous to boast and play the weird passive aggressive game.
 

stracci2000

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 26, 2007
Messages
3,998
I don't do any kind of masking. I act the same around everybody, no matter what situation I'm in. I think this comes with age, because I feel more comfortable with myself the older I get.
I am friendly and probably a little too quick with the four letter words.
But that is me, and I just go with it.

I most struggle with people who go out of their way to try to make themselves seem impressive. It is a very strong indicator of self esteem issues to me...the need for reassurance and to be told they are wonderful. I find those people exhausting.
I used to work with a guy who bragged constantly, to the point that I couldn't stand to be around him. He was so pompous, it was off-putting.

And another girl I worked with was a constant liar, always talking about all the amazing things she'd done and all the languages she spoke and how high her IQ was.
She once told a customer(we worked in a store together) that she spoke German. Imagine her horror, when the lady asked her to translate a letter! She quickly back pedaled and made some excuse about why she couldn't do it.
I would listen to her talk to the customers and just shake my head at all her tall tales. But I always thought she was insecure, and making up grandiose stories made her feel more important.
 

yssie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 14, 2009
Messages
20,688
Interesting read - thanks for posting @1ofakind! Though I disagree with the author that doing so is fundamentally a failing, as long as one stops short of deceipt.

I mask. I'm actually rather good at it, and it's been a boon in sales. I prefer not to be noticed unless it's on my terms, so I'll highlight and suppress aspects of my personality to "fit" a situation. It's not really a conscious thing... every face I show is me, it's just highlighting some sides of myself over others at a given time. Those personality tests that gauge characteristics based on your assessment of your own behaviour - Myers Briggs, etc. - I can be wildly different types depending on the scenario within which I imagine that I'm judging my predispositions.

I think - and I've been told - that I'm good at 'reading people' IRL. Probably because I've spent a lifetime using circumstantial nuances to mould my own persona to my context.
 
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Daisys and Diamonds

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
4,411
I'm very much the way I am online. Super bubbly and was a massive hugger pre Covid19.

I believe I'm very authentic in my interactions with people but I do filter so as to not be needlessly cruel about anything. It's not that I need people view me a certain way, it's more that I don't want to make someone sad if I know a certain comment will make them sad for no useful purpose.

If the truth is useful I will say it in the nicest possible way but if it makes no difference I don't believe in making someone sad.

I also probably have some very harsh views about life that only my husband and best friend are privy to.

I'm a bit neurotic in real life too but I try to pin point the exact moment my crazy emerges and resist the crazy. I can actually feel the compulsion to obsess about a particular thing at times and actively try to ramp it down.

I hate hate hate competitive, passive aggressive behavior. If I'm jealous of someone I will declare it loudly and swoon over whatever it is they have that I'm envious of. I find it ridiculous to boast and play the weird passive aggressive game.
why didnt your parents immigrate to this side of the ditch ? :mrgreen2:
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 3, 2004
Messages
31,803
I mask. I'm actually rather good at it, and it's been a boon in sales. I prefer not to be noticed unless it's on my terms, so I'll highlight and suppress aspects of my personality to "fit" a situation.
Take off your mask and tell me how you really feel about DF...:hand: I already know!...:lol:
 

dk168

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
5,937
I don't know how to be anything else except myself.

I am Marmite.

DK :lol-2:
 

kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
2,095
I'm very much the way I am online. Super bubbly and was a massive hugger pre Covid19.

I believe I'm very authentic in my interactions with people but I do filter so as to not be needlessly cruel about anything. It's not that I need people view me a certain way, it's more that I don't want to make someone sad if I know a certain comment will make them sad for no useful purpose.

If the truth is useful I will say it in the nicest possible way but if it makes no difference I don't believe in making someone sad.

I also probably have some very harsh views about life that only my husband and best friend are privy to.


I hate hate hate competitive, passive aggressive behavior. If I'm jealous of someone I will declare it loudly and swoon over whatever it is they have that I'm envious of. I find it ridiculous to boast and play the weird passive aggressive game.
I'd say this is pretty much me, minus the hugger part. I like my personal space.

Also, the older I get, the shorter my patience for stupid , nasty and self centered is getting.
I just walk away really fast. I love a good, intelligent discussion, but don't appreciate rude confrontational tone, especially when I cannot learn anything from it (because that person doesn't have a well researched viewpoint) .

When I cannot walk away, I'm very neutral. Not worth my energy.

I live by the motto : it's me who can determine who is able to offend me, or the old German saying: "was kümmert es die Deutsche Eiche, wenn sich die Wildsau an ihr scheuert? " -> aka: The oak doesn't care if the wild sow wants to scratch herself on it. (Literally translated oy and lol )



We gotta make that BBQ together happen, @mellowyellowgirl !!
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
34,861
I don't mask figuratively.
Literally yes I do when I will be around others to protect them, and to some degree me, from Covid 19.

I am who I am and I am comfortable with being me. I am not perfect but I am OK with who I am and all that it entails. As others have said it is way too much energy to be anyone but oneself IMO.

be-yourself-quotes-be-yourself-everyone-else-is-taken-oscar-wilde-wisdom-quotes.jpg

Your opinion of me doesn't (and never will) define who I am.
There is a Dr Seuss quote I love that comes to mind.
True all these decades later and it will always be true.

Screen Shot 2020-06-06 at 5.56.29 AM.png


PS I would have made a terrible salesperson.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
34,861
I know people IRL who do mask. In fact there is a person on PS who fooled me. I finally realized who they really are a few years ago. Took me some time but inevitably if one spends enough time with someone the truth will come out.

So yeah with some/many(?) people what you see is not who they really are and that's OK too.
Because while what other people think of me is none of my business what I think of other people is also unimportant.
Unless those people are a real part of my life.
Then of course I expect honesty and truth.

Otherwise it isn't my business.
 

LLJsmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
9,413
I don’t have a lot of friends because I have trouble masking. And I also don’t believe in trying to change people or arguing. If we don’t share certain basic values or have similar understandings of certain things, we probably aren’t going to be close friends. So then I don’t need to mask. In a professional environment I remain professional and again no need to mask. I have no desire to get personal in a professional environment. So in the rare instances I am in a social environment with people I’m unfamiliar with, I do need to mask. With my friends, I don’t need to.
 

lyra

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 13, 2007
Messages
4,981
I had more freedom to make my own decisions growing up than any of my friends. It was partly because my parents had a dysfunctional relationship and my siblings were 5.5 an 7 years older than me. I am very open. I have to try really hard to hold my tongue sometimes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can be gullible, I believe everything at face value pretty much. I don't read between the lines. My sister is a narcissistic sociopath, so I find her impossible to read. So no masks here.
 

anne_h

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 13, 2005
Messages
1,011
I mask sometimes, but usually only at work. I work in a large corporation, lots of politics, double standards, and sometimes bullying or other bad behaviors (even at the most senior levels, which is disappointing, but I guess not surprising). There are times where it seems sensible to mask. It's a conscious tactic to deal with difficult situations.

In my personal life, I rarely mask. I feel much more comfortable (and entitled!) to be my true self. This only gets stronger as I get older. Everyone else can just deal with it!! lol

Anne
 

Mekp

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 15, 2016
Messages
87
Interesting read - thanks for posting @1ofakind! Though I disagree with the author that doing so is fundamentally a failing, as long as one stops short of deceipt.

I mask. I'm actually rather good at it, and it's been a boon in sales. I prefer not to be noticed unless it's on my terms, so I'll highlight and suppress aspects of my personality to "fit" a situation. It's not really a conscious thing... every face I show is me, it's just highlighting some sides of myself over others at a given time. Those personality tests that gauge characteristics based on your assessment of your own behaviour - Myers Briggs, etc. - I can be wildly different types depending on the scenario within which I imagine that I'm judging my predispositions.

I think - and I've been told - that I'm good at 'reading people' IRL. Probably because I've spent a lifetime using circumstantial nuances to mould my own persona to my context.
I can relate to this. I don't ever pretend to be something I am not, but I present different parts of myself depending on the situation and context. I actually thought everyone did that.

I also can relate to others who have indicated they are careful with how they present themselves based on a very dysfunctional family of origin. I think this is a skill that is learned early out of necessity for many of us.
 

Arcadian

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 17, 2008
Messages
7,133
I wear a mask daily to work. I like to eat, I like having a roof over my head, so I mask up friends.

@yssie said it best. its still me but only the me I want people to see at the point in time.

Code switching, masking, whatever, its really one and the same.
 
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