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Will the real you please stand up...?

Do you wear a mask for others?

  • I often present a more acceptable view of myself to others. I know it is not the real me.

    Votes: 8 16.0%
  • I am mostly OK with myself but I sometimes mask.

    Votes: 15 30.0%
  • I rarely or never present an inauthentic version of myself to others.

    Votes: 25 50.0%
  • I know people who mask

    Votes: 9 18.0%
  • I don't know anyone who masks

    Votes: 1 2.0%

  • Total voters
    50

Jambalaya

Ideal_Rock
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Oct 2, 2014
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3,594
I'm pretty authentic in real life. If I want to take one of my stuffed animals to work and make it talk to people, I do! LOL!

I temper myself because I don't like hurting people's feelings. You never, ever know what someone's going through - i.e. maybe a secret cancer battle - and I have no interest in making their day worse. I'm a big believer in that saying "Truth without kindness is cruelty." If I find someone objectionable, I just stay away from them. So in that sense, I do mask.
 

LLJsmom

Ideal_Rock
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Oct 24, 2012
Messages
9,418
I mask sometimes, but usually only at work. I work in a large corporation, lots of politics, double standards, and sometimes bullying or other bad behaviors (even at the most senior levels, which is disappointing, but I guess not surprising). There are times where it seems sensible to mask. It's a conscious tactic to deal with difficult situations.

In my personal life, I rarely mask. I feel much more comfortable (and entitled!) to be my true self. This only gets stronger as I get older. Everyone else can just deal with it!! lol

Anne
I totally get you Anne. That kind of work environment can be exhausting. I left a corporate environment for that reason. I am professional at work, but I also am in an environment where people are generally very genuine and sincere so that makes it easier.
 

AprilBaby

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
10,818
Interesting article on the 10 masks people wear. I said I don’t mask but I see myself in the Humorist. Difficult background causing me not to let anyone really enter. My best friend is the social butterfly.
 

Queenie60

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 15, 2014
Messages
4,415
When I was young and insecure - yes, I would mask to be accepted. However, as I reached middle age and beyond, heck no - I am who I am and don't feel the need to "pretend" to anyone. I must say that I am guarded and reserved in new situations. I do get the kick in the leg under the table from my husband on occasion, he knows that I am quite transparent.
 

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
It seems like many of us are similar in that we are very comfortable with ourselves but sometimes have to or choose to reveal a limited view in certain situations or use a filter. I don't think that counts as masking. To refrain from screaming at your boss or coworker when you are really thinking that s/he is a complete moron counts as professional behavior as opposed to masking...as do other situations where for reasons of social courtesy we use a filter etc.

It is interesting that so many feel as they get older they have less reason to mask. Some of the most insecure people I have known don't just grow/age out of it or it is a hard thing for them to deal with and face those insecurities enough to overcome them.
 

mellowyellowgirl

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
May 17, 2014
Messages
3,641
It is interesting that so many feel as they get older they have less reason to mask. Some of the most insecure people I have known don't just grow/age out of it or it is a hard thing for them to deal with and face those insecurities enough to overcome them.
This is really interesting and hits a bit of a note with me.

I was a very insecure child/early teen. I had a very lovely best friend in year 6 but I never treated her as well as I should have. I was super competitive and she was too so despite us having some great times together I think we brought out the worst in each other. There we always something lingering in the background, some sort of fear despite the fact that we were besties. Of course we were really young too.

When I was 13 I met my now best friend. She was conventionally beautiful and super intelligent. Of course I tried to compete with her right away. She was my worst nightmare! But she adored me, genuinely thought I was hilarious and just gave me my own way all the time.

I remember it baffled me and all my attempts at being passive aggressive/competitive kind of fell flat. She was always so entertained and genuinely happy to be around me no matter what I did. She was also super gullible and never "got" my snide ways which always made me feel really evil afterwards because she was such a great, easy going person.

I gave up after that and evolved into who I am today. Kind of goofy, haphazard and somewhat dramatic. I always go around and say that she made me lose my competitive edge because I was super competitive before she dropped into my life.

I ended up marrying someone very much like her in temperament and he's helped me grow even more as a person.

I always wonder if certain personalities bring out the worst in other personalities. I have no doubt that if I'd married or hung out with someone similar to my parents I'd be a raging miserable maniac even at this age.
 

kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
2,105
always wonder if certain personalities bring out the worst in other personalities.
I absolutely think so.

That's why I try to tell my kids to look for a partner who brings out the best in them and vice versa.

It's much more telling than only looking for certain traits in others. Your partner might look good "on paper", but be a horrible fit in a relationship. My first bf was like that. Not a bad person, but the dynamic between us brought out the more difficult sides in both of us. It took me a long time to understand, since we were very young and in love. I couldn't quite put my finger on what didn't work out at the time. So I waited way too long with the break up... Truly until I couldn't stand myself anymore. Valuable lesson learned.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
34,909
I absolutely think so.

That's why I try to tell my kids to look for a partner who brings out the best in them and vice versa.

It's much more telling than only looking for certain traits in others. Your partner might look good "on paper", but be a horrible fit in a relationship. My first bf was like that. Not a bad person, but the dynamic between us brought out the more difficult sides in both of us. It took me a long time to understand, since we were very young and in love. I couldn't quite put my finger on what didn't work out at the time. So I waited way too long with the break up... Truly until I couldn't stand myself anymore. Valuable lesson learned.
Agree with this 100%. I think one of the reasons we are attracted to the ones we end up marrying or being with is because they bring out the best in us. They make us want to be a better person. And I could not agree more with how someone looks on paper can be incredibly different than how it works IRL. True love isn't blind at all. It makes you a better person. IMO.


Screen Shot 2020-06-07 at 6.16.34 AM.png
 

dk168

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
5,965
As said to me very recently by someone who is dear to me: "Are you deliberately being offensive, or does that come naturally to you?" :lol-2:

And this meme probably best describes my attitude towards what is considered conventional or normal! :lol-2:

Normal not normal.JPG

I have always said, I can't help the way I am. If peeps have issues with me, it is their problem, not mine.

Don't ask me for an opinion or advice unless one can handle the truth as I don't have much of a filter!

Peeps know where they stand with me - if I don't like someone or something, I would make it known.

DK :))
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
34,909
As said to me very recently by someone who is dear to me: "Are you deliberately being offensive, or does that come naturally to you?" :lol-2:

And this meme probably best describes my attitude towards what is considered conventional or normal! :lol-2:

Normal not normal.JPG

I have always said, I can't help the way I am. If peeps have issues with me, it is their problem, not mine.

Don't ask me for an opinion or advice unless one can handle the truth as I don't have much of a filter!

Peeps know where they stand with me - if I don't like someone or something, I would make it known.

DK :))
Haha I posted that meme in the meme thread a few days ago lol. It is definitely one that is true for many (of us) people we know. :lol:
And cats certainly personify that concept to the max. :))

Being "normal" is boring. :P2


Screen Shot 2020-06-07 at 7.02.50 AM.png
 

dk168

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
5,965
Haha I posted that meme in the meme thread a few days ago lol. It is definitely one that is true for many (of us) people we know. :lol:

Being "normal" is boring. :P2


Screen Shot 2020-06-07 at 7.02.50 AM.png
It's like medicines, in that one person's medicine is another's poison, so very true!

DK :))
 

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
As said to me very recently by someone who is dear to me: "Are you deliberately being offensive, or does that come naturally to you?" :lol-2:

And this meme probably best describes my attitude towards what is considered conventional or normal! :lol-2:

Normal not normal.JPG

I have always said, I can't help the way I am. If peeps have issues with me, it is their problem, not mine.

Don't ask me for an opinion or advice unless one can handle the truth as I don't have much of a filter!

Peeps know where they stand with me - if I don't like someone or something, I would make it known.

DK :))
While I am upfront and honest always, I do find ways to soften/filter things when appropriate. But I have no problem with someone who doesn't do the same with me. I can handle the brutal honestly as long as it is actually true and that person isn't intentionally trying to be mean/hurtful. In that case I can be completely dismissive and ignore them while still not taking it personally....it's that bulletproof thing.
However, I recognize that many people do take things personally though so that is why I filter so that they can still hear the point and not struggle with the presentation.
I have friends of both types...that I can be brutally honest and others that I have to filter. It's especially hard if we're all together, lol.
 
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1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
@mellowyellowgirl How awesome that you have a friend who helped you to grow into a better version of yourself. I can't think of a specific person that helped facilitate that process (other than DH) but it was little bits at a time for me....I WANTED to be authentic but it was just so scary. Every time I tried to open up a little, when I let my guard down and wasn't judged, criticized, abandoned or abused it was a little bit easier the next time. There are still a few judgmental people in my life but I fully recognize their being judgmental is about them and not me.

I can still build a wall so fast that it blows my hair back as it's going up. Unfortunately I had that experience a little more than a year ago when someone hugely broke trust/confidence in a delicate (and potentially dangerous) situation. I had no idea I could still put up walls like that but I could physically feel it when he came into sight...and automatic protection mode kicked in. It shook me a little. It has been many years since I felt I needed to be so guarded around another person. In hindsight I do still feel that way about most of my family but the walls/boundaries have been in place for so long I've simply gotten used to them, they are always there.
 

Alex T

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
5,123
Generally, what you see is what you get with me. I say generally, because I do have empathy & compassion for everyone I meet, so i can hold back on thoughts or opinions if i think it maybe hurtful etc. I am not mentally great with hostile confrontation.

But i am also famous for "not being backwards in coming forwards" too. My older brother & sister will quite often point our younger sister at me when she needs both barrels over something. She can be a nightmare & it's always been my role to keep her in line!

I also don't like BS, so I appreciate the truth coming back at me too.
 

Bayek

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
6,941
Well one poke from you starting this thread, deserved a retort. Shoe - fit - wear.


That was an unnecessary poke.


Thanks for the extra link but I don't wear any of those masks either. No masks needed here.
Good luck to you.
 

Queenie60

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 15, 2014
Messages
4,415
Well one poke from you starting this thread, deserved a retort. Shoe - fit - wear.
And may I ask, what is wrong with this thread? You seem to be the one person that does not like it? Why?
 

msop04

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 3, 2011
Messages
9,797
Working in medicine requires acting professionally, with good "bedside manor." Couple that with a retail setting, and it's necessary to put on a pleasant, happy face as much as possible. It's what is expected and what my patients deserve. I'm not perfect, and I slip sometimes, but we're really not allowed to have bad days at work. IRL, I'm a cynical, sarcastic beeotch who swears a lot. ;-) However, my patients think I'm all unicorns and rainbows, for the most part. LOL Bless them.
 

voce

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 13, 2018
Messages
3,487
I think, with the new definition of masking you've given, I still do mask, and that is not because I feel insecure or would like to hide who I am.

I like to present a sterner and "tougher" image to strangers and first-time acquaintances, because I think doing so would help put them off trying to take advantage of me. I think there are many lousy people who mask themselves as well-functioning members of society but are rotten on the inside. If some people sense weakness, then they'll take advantage of the gullible; I don't mind masking to warn that type of person away from trying to pull off their deceptions on me.
 
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1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
Well one poke from you starting this thread, deserved a retort. Shoe - fit - wear.
I didn't mention you or even link to the other thread...if I wanted to poke at you I would not be subtle or passive aggressive about it.

When I get upset to the point I feel I need to lash out at others it is an indication I need to turn the focus instead on myself because that is where the issue likely is to be found.
 
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1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
And may I ask, what is wrong with this thread? You seem to be the one person that does not like it? Why?
I have noticed that liars often think that people are also lying to them. They don't trust people to be honest because they know they are dishonest....everyone lies right?? I'm just guessing but maybe someone who has to mask because of whatever reason might struggle to think that others are really able to authentic.

I have a friend struggling with this right now. She is learning to be herself and also recognizing that others are being authentic with her. There's not always some hidden meaning behind what we say. It's been a hard for her but she is making progress!! For example....she invited me to join her and a friend for an outing today but I don't really feel like going. I just messaged and said I'd just rather stay home...I was up early doing yard work and will take it easy this afternoon. A year ago she would have thought she offended me or that I was upset about something. She would have asked if I was upset with her because she was so used to hiding her feelings behind neutral or even kind words. She assumed everyone else does that too. But she just sent me a smiley face message saying she looks forward to seeing my plants and we'll do it again another time. She is learning that I'm not hiding anything from her....if I'm upset I'll say so and not hide behind some mask that she has to figure out.
I am so proud of her!!!
 

voce

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 13, 2018
Messages
3,487
I have noticed that liars often think that people are also lying to them. They don't trust people to be honest because they know they are dishonest....everyone lies right?? I'm just guessing but maybe someone who has to mask because of whatever reason might struggle to think that others are really able to authentic.

I have a friend struggling with this right now. She is learning to be herself and also recognizing that others are being authentic with her. There's not always some hidden meaning behind what we say.
I don't know whether you would say I'm a liar, if I present myself to strangers as tougher than I really am. I am all shades of pessimistic towards the world at large, especially when I see people perpetuating self deceptions, particularly when it comes to politics and ethics. I mostly expect people to lie because I'm pessimistic, because I expect most lies I hear to be white lies that do little harm and do much to further other's agendas, and I don't see what this has to do with being a liar or not being a liar.

As for whether or not there's hidden meaning behind what we say, I think that's up to the individual how sensitive they are to others' comments and how much analysis/overanalysis they do. I also don't see this as directly relevant to masking.

I like my parent's tenants, who are African Americans. As my dad observed, African Americans are the nicest people, kind and friendly so long as they feel respected and treated with fairness; however, sometimes they can be oversensitive and perceive slights (from us) when no slight was ever intended, and when they perceive a non-existent slight they act rather defensively. I don't see any of this as masking. People can genuinely be kind and warm but, as soon as their self-defense instincts/circuits are triggered, they can act otherwise than how they generally are.
 

chrono

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,468
I do a butt load of social masking. I hate hugging but I do it because it’s a social expectation. I don’t tell people IRL how much I hate it or how uncomfortable it feels. If that makes me a liar in your eyes, so be it. Same thing with small talk. Detest it and consider it a waste of time (plus it’s none of their business in the first place) but I do it because I’m expected to.

Why don’t I tell them how I feel? It’ll cause unnecessary discussion, which will lead to more personal intrusion which is none of their business. Plus I hate to upset people. So I put on my smile mask, behave as I should, and move on. I don’t pry either. Yes, I’m extremely introverted.
 
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1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
@voce Sorry I meant more like straight up pathological liars. Somepeople just lie for no good reason. The people who if they told you the sky was blue you'd want to double check by looking out the window. They are often the least trusting people...they don't recognize the truth coming or going. They often think everyone is lying to them too.

All of these traits fall on a range. Some might think using a filter is a type of lying....but most people accept it as courtesy for a good reason. Putting on tough exterior to ward off being taken advantage of reminds me of that little lizard that puffs himself up so the snake thinks he's too big to eat. That's maybe deception...but for self preservation. I've heard the saying...what they don't know can't hurt me.

You are right that much of that does not look like masking from the physiological perspective presented in the article.
 

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
I do a butt load of social masking. I hate hugging but I do it because it’s a social expectation. I don’t tell people IRL how much I hate it or how uncomfortable it feels. If that makes me a liar in your eyes, so be it. Same thing with small talk. Detest it and consider it a waste of time but I do it because I’m expected to.
Can I ask you a question if you don't mind? Why can't you tell people you don't like to hug?
I don't think it makes you a liar as I explained to voce. I am curious though because I know people who don't like to hug...they politely decline or put out a hand to shake instead (pre-COVID of course, lol). I don't mind hugging but I almost never initiate. There are some people I will absolutely not hug though. Nope, nope nope....just won't do it!! I do understand some countries/cultures may be more into the hugging or even kissing but here we can usually decline without being thought of as rude.
 

chrono

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,468
It’s cultural. It is considered rude in my culture to tell someone that I don’t eat a certain food (seen as a picky troublesome guest) or don’t hug (respect and follow the culture of the place) and such.

I don’t like shaking hands either but it’s an expected norm here so I do it.
 

1ofakind

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
804
It’s cultural. It is considered rude in my culture to tell someone that I don’t eat a certain food (seen as a picky troublesome guest) or don’t hug (respect and follow the culture of the place) and such.

I don’t like shaking hands either but it’s an expected norm here so I do it.
Thank you. I can certainly see where it might be easier to go-along-to get-along than to dismiss long standing cultural norms.

I try to ask people coming for dinner if they have any food allergies or preferences. I don't mind being accommodating within reason. Because I have a severe allergy it is something I am aware of. We also know some people would be very offended if offered alcohol so I will inquire if I don't know.
My SIL was doing a non-medical diet that was very restrictive. They were coming for Thanksgiving and her list of foods she would eat was extremely limited. We could not be very accommodating other than to let her know she was welcomed to make anything she wanted to eat in addition to the traditional meal. They were staying for a week so she did a lot of her own cooking. I strongly dislike having to provide 'kid foods' like chicken nuggets or frozen french fries when I'm already making dinner for everyone. I have done it a few times but I'll often let parents know that they can bring something for their kids if they won't like the dinner. My kids were strongly encouraged to try foods without complaint and we never asked for an accommodation...I'd rather have to feed them in the car right after than do that to my host/ess.
 
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