Wife is mad at me...

[anne_h]

I'm a big believer that people in relationships need to be considerate of each other, in whatever ways are meaningful to them.

Personally, if my partner got a last minute invite to a fun event and he really wanted to go, and we had no conflicting plans already in place, I'd be supportive. Because I too like to do things alone sometimes, and have freedom in my own personal life. But I'm not insecure or jealous in relationships, and I don't choose people who are either.

I agree with some of the others that since your wife seems upset, you might want to consider working with her to resolve that.

Anne

 

[Dancing Fire]

Hi elle_chris,

Well, I got very excited when my friend told me about the trip, and all I could think about was the good time we are about to have. I did not count on my wife using Google to learn more about such festivity, haha. Most of the pictures she found included half naked women flashing their boobs. I am not going there to party like crazy as all I am looking forward is to see my friends and experience something new. We all are in our early 30's.

Be sure to Email her 'em pics..

to show her that you are having a lot of fun!

 

[House Cat]

Why are you here looking for validation for your behavior? Will a bunch of internet strangers make you feel justified enough to hurt your wife? She’s told you that if you go to Mardi Gras, you will hurt her.

Shouldn’t that be all that matters?

 

[AprilBaby]

Would I be mad? Not at all. I actually hate NOLA. Make it up to her in diamonds

 

[Bonfire]

Your focus with this polling exercise discredits her feelings by placing value on how strangers would feel in her situation. What you need to value is how YOUR WIFE feels. You need to work on some things my friend.

 

[BennYoga]

Hi december-fire,

Yes! I was looking forward to see her. Being far away from each other really sucks. But that is how it is for now. I am working extra hours for the rest of the holidays and also taking classes until the end of January. I really wanted to take a few days to relax and see my friends before I leave the country to spend about a month and a half in Mexico. To be honest, I don't really care about boobs or hook ups. I am basically just looking to spend some time with my friends. It is unfortunate that Mardi Gras has such "reputation".

Hey Dancing Fire



Hi sonnyjane,

EXACTLY!


Happy holidays!

 

[BennYoga]

Hi House Cat,

Well, I am not looking for validation. I was simply asking for a female point of view. I think I am good now, hehe.

Thank you, my lady!

Hey AprilBaby,

She likes blue sapphires so, that is what she is getting in a few months. She is a September baby.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I would not be happy about it either for so many reasons. I am kind of surprised that you don’t see her point.

Not a good idea. Can I just say, since you have come to a public forum to ask us what we think about it, if this is the way you treat your wife it doesn’t bode well for a happy future.

 

[elle_chris]

Hi elle_chris,

Well, I got very excited when my friend told me about the trip, and all I could think about was the good time we are about to have. I did not count on my wife using Google to learn more about such festivity, haha. Most of the pictures she found included half naked women flashing their boobs. I am not going there to party like crazy as all I am looking forward is to see my friends and experience something new. We all are in our early 30's.

Hi monarch64,

I always encourage my wife to go out with her friends, family, ect. I am not opposed to anything she'd like to do. Even if she goes to see naked men, I would not be mad at all. I trust her. We simply have been used to a different environments and cultures.

Last time she came to the US to visit, a friend of mine invited us to a wine tasting. She got mad because most of the people there were women. Just image the rest.

Mardi Gras is one big party. I've been there twice for it (Halloween is another one.. good times.) You're not going there with your family to strictly watch the parades- you're going there to hang out, drink, go to clubs, bars etc.
You knew she wasn't having it so you booked your tickets first, then tried to downplay the entire thing to her. You're so in the wrong it's ridiculous.

If my husband wanted to go to Mardi Gras with friends, I'd be cool with it because we're into the same things, and I trust him.
But he's also the kind of guy that would discuss it with me before buying a plane ticket.

 

[AGBF]

Wow. Mardi Gras is a lot more than that. Believe it or not it can even be a family affair.

I think the wife is insecure because of your long distance relationship. I travel all the time without my husband to such dastardly places as Las Vegas, Key West, Jamaica, etc. and DH doesn’t care. Believe it or not, it’s possible to be away from your spouse and drink without cheating.

While this may be true, Rainwood hit the nail on he head. None of us is his wife. He should be speaking with her and considering her feelings, not speaking to us. And it might have helped communication in a long distance relatonship-where communication is hard enough-if he spoke to her before he acted!

AGBF

 

[OoohShiny]

Hi elle_chris,

Well, I got very excited when my friend told me about the trip, and all I could think about was the good time we are about to have. I did not count on my wife using Google to learn more about such festivity, haha. Most of the pictures she found included half naked women flashing their boobs. I am not going there to party like crazy as all I am looking forward is to see my friends and experience something new. We all are in our early 30's.

Hi monarch64,

I always encourage my wife to go out with her friends, family, ect. I am not opposed to anything she'd like to do. Even if she goes to see naked men, I would not be mad at all. I trust her. We simply have been used to a different environments and cultures.

Last time she came to the US to visit, a friend of mine invited us to a wine tasting. She got mad because most of the people there were women. Just image the rest.

Is she generally jealous, not convinced of the security of your relationship, whatever?
Not looking for an actual response from you, but just thinking that you and your buddies in Mardi Gras sounds more and more like a bad idea in terms of your relationship with your wife.

Hello Benn,

This may not be what you want to hear, but this is how I view it from her stand point:

Terrible idea all the way around. If she got upset about the wine tasting because it was mostly women, you should have known she'd be upset about going to NOLA during Mardi Gras. Her ignorance about Mardi Gras and your idea that she wouldn't check online do not make this any better. It sounds like deceit by omission.

If I was her, yes, I'd be upset. Sorry!!!

This thread has made me LOL a little

Surely in a relationship where there is trust and each partner knows the other is 'the one', each could go to whatever 'bawdy' location or venue they wanted to for a get-together without any jealousy or concern being raised? I know my good lady says she doesn't care if I want to go to a strip club (which I don't - they're weird, and what on earth are the social protocols for giving a stranger money to take their clothes off?? ) as long as it's her I'm going home to.

Likewise, if she wanted to go to a 'Magic Mike' evening out with her girlfriends (several of whom are very sexually confident!) I really don't think I'd be fussed - such things, like Mardi Gras, aren't real life, they are an escape, like any good night out where the aim is to enjoy the company of one's friends and shake off the shackles of wearisome financial and work burdens.

If the lady in question got stressed about the fact that there were other women at a wine tasting event she went to with her partner (meaning she was able to keep her eye on him? ) then my thoughts are that she has some serious insecurity issues, or may even have 'control' issues.


I'm not one to tell others how to live their lives, but in my world, one can't pander to a partner's every stress-out about the fact that there might be other people of the opposite sex at an event one is attending - that way lies increasing insecurity and a downward spiral, because if it's not this thing, it's some other insecurity.

Am I being a bit OTT? Maybe. But then, many years ago, I was in a relationship for a couple of years with a girl who had major 'control' issues, to the point that I basically ended up being her house pet, doing everything she wanted (even to the detriment of my personal life, family, school work, etc) in order to prevent a major freak out. It ended when, surprise surprise, she got bored because I was so obedient that she had nothing to stress-out about (and because I daren't initiate sexual contact in case it would cause an argument), and she decided to look elsewhere. I'm still suffering the effects of that relationship today, many years on, because behaviour that has been engrained into one's subconscious is incredibly difficult to overcome, even when one is consciously trying to analyse and overcome it.

Ultimately, unless someone in a relationship is willing to acknowledge that they have insecurity issues and actively work towards trusting the other person completely, rather than making the other person pander to their demands to allay their paranoia, IMHO the relationship is doomed. We should not have relationships where one party always submits to the other to 'keep things sweet' - either by not doing something in the first place or by having to check in constantly when 'permitted' to actually doing something. That is not a healthy relationship and may even fall into a form of abuse.


IMVHO the OP should ask their partner what exactly she thinks he is going to do while he is away at Mardi Gras, so he can understand her concerns and directly say to her "I am not going to do that." If she thinks he's going to be notching up the bedpost with multitudes of women (or men... or trans-people... This is a society of equality in this day and age, after all ) then there's likely nothing he can say or do that will allay that fear, unless he's willing to submit to 'checking in' constantly, at which point it's hardly the break away from everyday life that a vacation is supposed to be and falls under the aforementioned 'control' and 'submission' (abusive) relationship.

If one thinks about it, does geographical location even matter when it comes to getting off your face and chatting nonsense to strangers in noisy bars? Or picking up a stranger for casual sex? One can do that in the local town or the other side of the world, especially with the 'benefits' that Tindr and the like have realised. As they're already in a long-distance relationship, the OP could be sleeping with a random stranger every single night they're apart, for all she knows, so why is a trip to Mardi Gras any different?

All she needs to say is "Ok then, dear, I'd rather spend the weekend with you as I've not seen you for ages, but I appreciate that you haven't seen your friends so it will be nice if you can go and have fun with them and then come back and tell me all about it. Enjoy yourself and be careful because it's so busy and there might be people deliberately looking to be up to no good, like pickpockets and so on - but remember, if anything happens and you 'play away', that's it. There is no second chance."


Anyway, I'm just playing Devil's advocate today but I still think my points are valid lol

 

[partgypsy]

Everyone has different rules in their marriage and their relationship. You just need to figure out what your and your wife's are, and whether those rules are ones you are on agreement with, or at the least you love your wife enough that you will do those things.
I was glad my ex husband went to NOLA before I met him, and got it out of his system. He did go to a strip club, got wasted, and also was sexually accosted by someone (man? woman?) when he was walking home back to his motel, who grabbed and lifted him up by his balls while asking if he wanted company. If you wanted to bond with your friends, a better time is not during Mardis Gras but when they have their jazz fest. Or basically any other time than Mardis Gras.

Neither here nor there, the times I objected to my ex going on guy trips, when he had not gone on trips with me but then prioritized trips with guy friends. And the time he wanted to go away when I was 8 months pregnant, some place I couldn't necessarily call him. He did go on a couple of the guy trips, but did cancel the I'm about to give birth one. As far as cheating what others have said is true. You can cheat in your home town. It's incredibly easy to cheat. My ex cheated on me with a fellow mom whom we constantly saw socially. When he briefly tried to reconcile, I asked if I could see his phone whenever I asked (he did heavy texting with the affair), and he said no. And it made me realize, I can't be with someone I can't trust. If he really wanted to he would find a way to cheat even if I could see his phone, such as using a dummy phone etc. You need to be able to trust your spouse. It sounds like you trust her. Is the same true? I don't know your relationship and this is just a stranger talking.

 

[BennYoga]

OoohShiny,

I love the way you think! Cheers

 

[BennYoga]

Everyone has different rules in their marriage and their relationship. You just need to figure out what your and your wife's are, and whether those rules are ones you are on agreement with, or at the least you love your wife enough that you will do those things.
I was glad my ex husband went to NOLA before I met him, and got it out of his system. He did go to a strip club, got wasted, and also was sexually accosted by someone (man? woman?) when he was walking home back to his motel, who grabbed and lifted him up by his balls while asking if he wanted company. If you wanted to bond with your friends, a better time is not during Mardis Gras but when they have their jazz fest. Or basically any other time than Mardis Gras.

Neither here nor there, the times I objected to my ex going on guy trips, when he had not gone on trips with me but then prioritized trips with guy friends. And the time he wanted to go away when I was 8 months pregnant, some place I couldn't necessarily call him. He did go on a couple of the guy trips, but did cancel the I'm about to give birth one. As far as cheating what others have said is true. You can cheat in your home town. It's incredibly easy to cheat. My ex cheated on me with a fellow mom whom we constantly saw socially. When he briefly tried to reconcile, I asked if I could see his phone whenever I asked (he did heavy texting with the affair), and he said no. And it made me realize, I can't be with someone I can't trust. If he really wanted to he would find a way to cheat even if I could see his phone, such as using a dummy phone etc. You need to be able to trust your spouse. It sounds like you trust her. Is the same true? I don't know your relationship and this is just a stranger talking.

Thank you, partgypsy! Cheating is for cowards. I am just trying to have a little fun with my friends. Specially after working a full time job and attending school.

 

[madelise]

How other people would react plays ZERO influence on how your wife reacts. Whatever her feelings are, they are valid for whatever reasons they make her feel that way.

Going on a forum to ask a bunch of strangers how they’d deal versus acknowledging how your wife feels is the biggest problem *I* see here.

 

[Matata]

@OoohShiny, I agree with everything you said.

Going on a forum to ask a bunch of strangers how they’d deal versus acknowledging how your wife feels is the biggest problem *I* see here.

I kinda think living in a separate country from your spouse while being (at least as the OP presents) polar opposites on how a relationship works is the crux of the matter. To be fair, lots of people come here for support and advice about all types of relationships and the majority of them are women and the majority of the time we are supportive (if not necessarily in agreement with the OP's predicament) and offer advice. I think it's refreshing to see a male posting and interesting to learn about his perspective.

@BennYoga, I think you have hurdles in your marriage that you need to resolve and if not, move on and try to find a partner more compatible. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your trip to NOLA and build lasting, non-jail time, non-cheating, non-headline making memories with your friends.

 

[Queenie60]

Depends on the marriage. Seems your marriage could possibly be stressed due to the fact that you have a long distance relationship. Why don't you live together? She's probably feeling insecure because you don't have a traditional relationship. My husband goes to Ireland every year on a golfing trip. Doesn't bother me the least, I find it to be a reason to purchase a little bling! Hope you can work through your differences.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I come back to elaborate on my standpoint.
For me it doesn't have much to do with the fact that OP is going with friends or where he is going.
It is the fact that he acted like a single (in her eyes and that's all that matters since it's between the two if them).

DH is travelling extensively for work and could quite frankly entertain a second family logistics-wise. But I trust him 100%.
I often go away w/the kids or I have also taken several BIG vacations with friends.
No problem, since he trusts me 100 %.

But since OP asked: I'd be mad and DH would also be mad , had this happened in our marriage.
The lack of discussion/communication and also the slight playing on her ignorance re. Mardi Gras would have been interpreted as a major lack of respect by both of us.
I was the one, btw., who offended my very laid back DH twice in our marriage by this kind of behaviour (just told him I'd made plans w/out considering him AT ALL). He was upset. It took me a while to understand, but now I know where he's coming from and take his feelings into consideration.

He organised a girl's weekend out for me as a surprise btw. So REALLY none of this is related to insecurity or control or anything like this.
This is why @TooPatient was so right upthread. R E S P E C T

 

[TooPatient]

I talked with my DH about your situation and he agreed that he would be upset if I did something like that. He says that booking a trip and then telling him about it would be disrespectful of our partnership in life. He would want to talk about whatever and then (assuming it was in budget and not interfering with other plans) he'd be happy for me to see friends. His other big issue was that if I wanted to do something knowing it would hurt him and hoped he just wouldn't find out, it would leave him feeling like he couldn't trust me.

So that is the perspective of the man in my life. He also said he hoped you had the sense to cancel the trip and go for a different weekend with your friends after apologizing to your wife for not talking with her first.

 

[sonnyjane]

For those saying that he should have talked to her first, are you suggesting that he ask for permission? Or simply that he let her know that it’s something he plans to do?

 

[missy]

For those saying that he should have talked to her first, are you suggesting that he ask for permission? Or simply that he let her know that it’s something he plans to do?

It's not about asking permission but about communicating.

You're a team (IMO) and you don't decide things like trips unilaterally. You discuss it with your partner. Out of respect, out of courtesy and because you don't just pick up like you're single and go away with the guys for a weekend at Mardi Gras.

But as with everything people vary and couples vary and what works for one couple might not be the right way for another. He asked our opinions and we each shared them.

No way would that go over well in my family and we have a strong marriage and a strong healthy relationship. We communicate well. We don't always agree but we work it through.

The OP didn't give his wife a chance to weigh in because I bet he thought it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than ask if it was OK with her. And his wife is pissed and IMO rightly so. A healthy adult relationship necessitates communication and discussion. He's married and not single and should have discussed it with her before buying plane tickets. JMO.

 

[sonnyjane]

It's not about asking permission but about communicating.

You're a team (IMO) and you don't decide things like trips unilaterally. You discuss it with your partner. Out of respect, out of courtesy and because you don't just pick up like you're single and go away with the guys for a weekend at Mardi Gras.

But as with everything people vary and couples vary and what works for one couple might not be the right way for another. He asked our opinions and we each shared them.

No way would that go over well in my family and we have a strong marriage and a strong healthy relationship. We communicate well. We don't always agree but we work it through.

The OP didn't give his wife a chance to weigh in because I bet he thought it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than ask if it was OK with her. And his wife is pissed and IMO rightly so. A healthy adult relationship necessitates communication and discussion. He's married and not single and should have discussed it with her before buying plane tickets. JMO.

But if she is a jealous woman that tells him no, it’s not ok with me, you can’t hang out with your friends, then what? Does he not go? I guess in that case he has a bigger decision to make which is whether or not to be married to someone that doesn’t trust him.

 

[missy]

But if she is a jealous woman that tells him no, it’s not ok with me, you can’t hang out with your friends, then what? Does he not go? I guess in that case he has a bigger decision to make which is whether or not to be married to someone that doesn’t trust him.

Then they need counseling IMO. Jealousy is unhealthy but perhaps he gives her reason to be jealous. IDK as I am not in their relationship but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and either way it sounds as if they could benefit from professional help. IMO.

 

[Bron357]

If you’re married you should be discussing arrangements before you make them. Mardi Gras with a bunch of guys (no wives or partners) to get drunk and hang around semi naked women, many looking for a fun time - not a holiday destination for married men In my opinion. Would you give her a week in Tiffany, Cartier, Chanel and Louis Vuitton boutiques with her shopping mad friends with a credit card with no limit? You might say, “oh, she will know just to look and not touch”!
Surrounded by temptation, encouraged by what’s going on around you and morals loosened by alcohol, it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

 

[House Cat]

But if she is a jealous woman that tells him no, it’s not ok with me, you can’t hang out with your friends, then what? Does he not go? I guess in that case he has a bigger decision to make which is whether or not to be married to someone that doesn’t trust him.

I feel that insecure relationships are made between two people. Many times, people on the outside looking in like to blame the “jealous” spouse but it takes two partners to create this problem. One partner is discarding or withholding and the other is left feeling empty and pursuing. This is a common pattern in relationships that leaves both parties feeling extremely unhappy.

Even if the “jealous” person seems to have a pattern of being jealous, that person usually has a pattern of choosing people who withhold love and leave them feeling abandoned.. Which then, puts them into the pursuer position.

If the partners are unable to resolve these issues on their own, they should seek therapy.

I see manipulative behavior in the OP. I see red flags all over the place.

I realize that many of us posters come from our personal perspectives. You come from the perspective of a healthy relationship where trust, support, and love run freely between the partners. Asking your partner not to go to NOLA would be alarming.

In a relationship where a spouse is being manipulated and abandoned, feeling lonely and distrustful is normal. Asking for your partner to stay out of a risky situation would seem more normal under these circumstances.

 

[sonnyjane]

I’m really surprised at how little many here seem to trust their partners regarding “temptation”. Infidelity can happen anywhere. If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat on vacation or they will cheat in your own hometown. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. He’s not going to a brothel, he’s going to a town known for food, drinks, music, and yes, a big street party, but believe it or not, people aren't just having sex in the middle of Bourbon Street (that will land you in jail).

I’ll reserve any thoughts I have about the OP’s marriage specifically because I don’t know either of them, but man, I’m glad I am in a marriage where I’m not only “allowed”, but encouraged to go have fun vacations with my friends.

 

[sonnyjane]

I feel that insecure relationships are made between two people. Many times, people on the outside looking in like to blame the “jealous” spouse but it takes two partners to create this problem. One partner is discarding or withholding and the other is left feeling empty and pursuing. This is a common pattern in relationships that leaves both parties feeling extremely unhappy.

Even if the “jealous” person seems to have a patter of being jealous, that person usually has a pattern of choosing people who withhold love and leave them feeling abandoned.. Which then, puts them into the pursuer position.

If the partners are unable to resolve these issues on their own, they should seek therapy.

I see manipulative behavior in the OP. I see red flags all over the place.

I realize that many of us posters come from our personal perspectives. You come from the perspective of a healthy relationship where trust, support, and love run freely between the partners. Asking your partner not to go would be alarming.

In a relationship where a spouse is being manipulated and abandoned, feeling lonely and distrustful is normal. Asking for your partner to stay out of a risky situation would seem more normal under these circumstances.

I agree with you completely. I think *this* marriage has some red flags, was just surprised at some of the blanket statements that many seemed to have about *any* marriage.

 

[redwood66]

The OP's long distance relationship in separate countries where it seems they only spend several months a year together is very different than the "norm" is being applied as well. I could never live in a relationship like this and it appears the wife may be having difficulty as well. The relationship seems more like long distance dating than marriage which allows either or both to have a separate life from the spouse.

Edit - OP if this, and other things, upsets her you have to address them. Otherwise it leads to more unhappiness.

 

[OoohShiny]

Then they need counseling IMO. Jealousy is unhealthy but perhaps he gives her reason to be jealous. IDK as I am not in their relationship but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and either way it sounds as if they could benefit from professional help. IMO.

Such as by inviting her to a wine tasting event where other women are present?

How dare he treat her like that

 

[TooPatient]

For those saying that he should have talked to her first, are you suggesting that he ask for permission? Or simply that he let her know that it’s something he plans to do?

Not permission -- discussion. You discuss things with your partner.

A chance for them to talk openly about if they have the money and time and whatever they feel are important.

It is also reasonable for a spouse to have a chance to say they are uncomfortable with something for any reason and share why. Then talk together about the thing and have their discomfort addressed so both are okay with it or an alternative suggested that they are both comfortable with or whatever is needed for both to be comfortable. (And if that can't be found, a chance for both of them to decide if they are okay with disagreeing but it happening anyway or it not happening -- or realizing that their views are incompatible and addressing where to go from there.)

If a person feels they can't have that discussion, they have bigger issues to address than some visit with friends.