Why does MOST EVERYONE know their man has a ring? Also Timeline discussion

[FrekeChild]

Basically I think that sometimes the LsIW get kind of territorial and think that the BsIW and the old married ladies that pop in occasionally and give their input are just trying to rain on your parades.

We''re not.

I''ve been here for over two years now, but I lurked a lot before that. I was a crazy LIW when I was first around here, and that''s not something you forget easily. I remember breaking down crying and writing a super long email to my then-BF about how I needed engagement, and I WAS READY for the next step, and WHAT WAS THE HOLD UP?!

That was actually about a week after I joined PS.

We knew we were going to be getting married about a month into our relationship. We first went ring shopping February 10, 2007. We didn''t get engaged until December 19, 2008--that''s almost a two year wait between the first ring shopping event and actual engagement. I can''t emphasize enough HOW frustrated I was. Now granted, I wasn''t one of the people who wrote vent threads. I kind of went through my threads a little bit last night, and I had I think one thread when I was first here where I posted that I had any kind of exasperation--and that we had talked through it and worked it out.

My point is, that once you''ve been around for a while, you care. PS is a sounding board, a group of wonderful big sister/cool aunt/loving grandma/creepy uncle (that''s DancingFire) types and we care. My heart broke reading Becky P''s threads. I ached for chocolatefudge, who wanted something SO BAD, and yet for so long was deprived of her desire. And there is hardly a thread that I can''t relate to at all. I know it''s not just me. I promise you that the advice posted here wasn''t posted out of malice, but most like an older relative that tells you like it is, giving you advice because they care. They (we) have BEEN THERE. And if we haven''t personally, then we have friends or family that have been. We''ve seen the trainwrecks before. We don''t want to see it again.

And when a poster keeps posting the same kind of threads over and over, and hasn''t taken advice that posters have taken time to type out, yes it gets frustrating. It is hard to sit there and watch a person complain about the same problem, receive the same advice, and yet, when it''s repeated again and again, no change is made, and it gets stale when there is no movement. If something doesn''t work--change it!

So, MK I truly hope you don''t feel attacked. I promise you that no matter the tone of people''s posts, they were well intentioned. We don''t want to see break up threads! We like bling! And happy endings!

So yeah.

 

[janinegirly]

Net-nannying--ha love the term.

Seriously we''re all adults here..why the need to explain reasons for chiming in? And if an adult can''t handle the feedback based on scenarios they themselves described and asked for feedback on, then that''s really not the responsibility of those giving it. I didn''t see anyone here being offensive or rude, just upfront and objective.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 3/26/2010 11:07:41 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Basically I think that sometimes the LsIW get kind of territorial and think that the BsIW and the old married ladies that pop in occasionally and give their input are just trying to rain on your parades.

We''re not.

I''ve been here for over two years now, but I lurked a lot before that. I was a crazy LIW when I was first around here, and that''s not something you forget easily. I remember breaking down crying and writing a super long email to my then-BF about how I needed engagement, and I WAS READY for the next step, and WHAT WAS THE HOLD UP?!

That was actually about a week after I joined PS.

We knew we were going to be getting married about a month into our relationship. We first went ring shopping February 10, 2007. We didn''t get engaged until December 19, 2008--that''s almost a two year wait between the first ring shopping event and actual engagement. I can''t emphasize enough HOW frustrated I was. Now granted, I wasn''t one of the people who wrote vent threads. I kind of went through my threads a little bit last night, and I had I think one thread when I was first here where I posted that I had any kind of exasperation--and that we had talked through it and worked it out.

My point is, that once you''ve been around for a while, you care. PS is a sounding board, a group of wonderful big sister/cool aunt/loving grandma/creepy uncle (that''s DancingFire) types and we care. My heart broke reading Becky P''s threads. I ached for chocolatefudge, who wanted something SO BAD, and yet for so long was deprived of her desire. And there is hardly a thread that I can''t relate to at all. I know it''s not just me. I promise you that the advice posted here wasn''t posted out of malice, but most like an older relative that tells you like it is, giving you advice because they care. They (we) have BEEN THERE. And if we haven''t personally, then we have friends or family that have been. We''ve seen the trainwrecks before. We don''t want to see it again.

And when a poster keeps posting the same kind of threads over and over, and hasn''t taken advice that posters have taken time to type out, yes it gets frustrating. It is hard to sit there and watch a person complain about the same problem, receive the same advice, and yet, when it''s repeated again and again, no change is made, and it gets stale when there is no movement. If something doesn''t work--change it!

So, MK I truly hope you don''t feel attacked. I promise you that no matter the tone of people''s posts, they were well intentioned. We don''t want to see break up threads! We like bling! And happy endings!

So yeah.

I come in here and read a bit from time to time, but you just stated quite clearly why I almost never ever post here. First and foremost I really can''t relate all that well, although I did go through something ("something" being youthful insecurity and wanting too much to be married for all the wrong reasons) a bit similar back in the time when, from the perspective of many here, lizards still ruled the earth. And yes, it ended badly for me, and yes it was painful, and yes, it grew me up in a way that sometimes only experience and time on the planet do.

I see this stuff as phases and we all go through it to one degree or another. No matter how mature you may think you are at 20 - or 23 or... you just aren''t, period. And you can have all the fabulous advice in the world lobbed your way, but if you can''t hear it yet, well, you just can''t. No shame, it''s just the way humans are.

I''m not old, but when I come in here I am reminded just how truly far I am removed from this aspect of youth. While like anyone my age, I would love to have the energy of my 20''s back, I am so utterly thrilled to be past the mental processes of the 20''s. A huge relief. Everything is so awfully serious in your 20''s. Pushing 50, not so much.

The only advice I have right now to anyone who is young and reading this, is hang on: life does not go as you plan it. Forcing stuff pretty much never works. Oh you''ll try...and try...until you are beaten up enough to learn the lesson. And if you learn it well enough, you learn to laugh along with the acceptance. Great advice really, but probably most here aren''t equipped to hear it yet. I certainly wasn''t either back then...it''s just part of the process.

OK LIWs, carry on. Best of luck and love to you all.

(back to lurking)

 

[iota15]

Date: 3/27/2010 6:38:37 AM
Author: ksinger

The only advice I have right now to anyone who is young and reading this, is hang on: life does not go as you plan it. Forcing stuff pretty much never works. Oh you''ll try...and try...until you are beaten up enough to learn the lesson. And if you learn it well enough, you learn to laugh along with the acceptance. Great advice really, but probably most here aren''t equipped to hear it yet. I certainly wasn''t either back then...it''s just part of the process.

OK LIWs, carry on. Best of luck and love to you all.

(back to lurking)

Very nice. I''m not quite a dinosaur yet but you''ll see that with friends in bad relationships and SO''s "unwilling" to propose - everyone has their own timeline and nothing can really be forced. Just as it''s not easy being asked to slow down, MK. You can''t be forced to not want the engagement now. We all know this is an uphill battle but as some previous posters have mentiond, a change in scenary, a change in circumstances and perhaps a recognition that subtle hints are not good for your relationship - even if it''s only because he doesn''t have the money to buy you the ring you want - would be good for you and your relationship. I''m a new poster and I''m just hoping for the best for you. I do feel sort of aunt-like. I wish you well, MK.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

I will admit, I did not read EVERY response, but I think I get the general idea.

The last time I posted in this forum about my relationship was about six months ago. Due to the responses I received, I removed myself from the list, and now, it''s rare for me to check this forum more than once a month. (Due to changes in myself and my relationship, I no longer consider myself an LIW, anyway.)

The truth is, no one knows your relationship better than YOU. I went absolutely BONKERS with LIWitis not too long ago. I can''t think of one person who supported my decision to stick by him. I was in a similar situation. I was deeply in love, and I knew he was 100% committed to me. Yet, I couldn''t get past the fact that he didn''t want to get engaged. His timelines were a load of crock, and deep down, I knew he wasn''t being completely honest. Yet, I stayed with him because in my heart, I knew he was the one for me. Was I absolutely sure he was going to propose? No. I''m not clairvoyant. I just had a feeling.

As a side note, I drove my boyfriend absolutely nuts with my obsession to get engaged. Did he dump me? No. In fact, at this point, he wants to get engaged more than I do. I firmly believe that if two people want to be together forever, they will BOTH put up with this awkward time. I believe a man who wants to marry a woman WILL put up with her LIW meltdowns, but that''s probably just because that has been my experience. Actually, it broke his heart to see how much he was hurting me, and I think that''s partly why I stayed.

Anyway, I moved my ranting to a journaling site, and I found it to be a better fit for me. I needed to post my feelings, but I needed it on a daily basis. I felt like I needed more venting than this forum could hold, and I felt like most of the people on this board didn''t understand my relationship, and it just caused me more frustration. Don''t get me wrong, I think the LIW forum is a GREAT forum with a GREAT group of people. It just wasn''t the right place for me, and I am telling you this because you remind me SO much of myself six months ago.

My relationship has improved 150% since I left this forum. It''s not for everyone.

 

[gr8flmo]

ksinger - WORD!

"Forcing stuff pretty much never works. Oh you''ll try...and try...until you are beaten up enough to learn the lesson."

I will be 50 in October. I''m getting married in September - first time for me.

If someone told me in my 20''s how my life would turn out - I would have thought they were crazy. My many years of trying to force things and pleading and ranting at God got me fantasizing about being pushed in front of a subway train and sitting in rooms filled with drunks drinking coffee. The drunks are the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. Better than my fiance, better than my engagement ring, better than my six figure jobs. Imagine the pain I had to go to end up in a church basement admitting I was an alcoholic.

One of the first things the drunks teach you - Let go and let God. If you don''t believe in God - let go anyway.

From Freke: "And when a poster keeps posting the same kind of threads over and over, and hasn''t taken advice that posters have taken time to type out, yes it gets frustrating. It is hard to sit there and watch a person complain about the same problem, receive the same advice, and yet, when it''s repeated again and again, no change is made, and it gets stale when there is no movement. If something doesn''t work--change it!" In AA the saying is "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." Another is "move a muscle, change a thought".

I actually went to the trouble of counting the posts MK started in order to factually argue on behalf of those losing patience with her. Never mind. We all have our paths and if we''re fortunate, we''ll learn the lessons sooner or later. It appears that MK doesn''t want advice - it looks like she wants a place to obsess. There are no rules against obsessing and nobody is forcing me to read her posts.

Best of luck to all of you.