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Why does MOST EVERYONE know their man has a ring? Also Timeline discussion

Discussion in 'Ladies in Waiting' started by MermaidKelly, Mar 23, 2010.

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  1. janinegirly
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    by janinegirly » Mar 25, 2010
    Uh, the point of posting is not just to post. You realize that people are reading right? And these people do not know you and therefore are objective and only reacting to the facts as you state them, and questions YOU asked. So if there's something you don't like that you're hearing back, it means it's time to do some self analysis or be in for a big surprise with your situation (and not in a good way). If you're looking for somewhere just to post "cuz that's what people do", then write in a journal or post on a blank page. Sorry to be harsh, but people have taken the time to read all your posts, connect the dots of running themes in your threads, and then offer analysis and some advice..which is actually pretty generous.
     
  2. jewelz617
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    by jewelz617 » Mar 25, 2010
    If you were looking for people to agree with you and say "Ohhhh he''s probably going to surprise you!"... well, you''ve come to the wrong place it seems.

    I agree with Lilyfoot 100%. If you don''t want advice from the women who have been through it, what more is there to say?

    This is coming from someone who proposed to her husband! But when I did, we had both agreed that we wanted to get married many times. There was no gray area, no guessing, no impatience or self torture. I wasn''t questioning my relationship or doubting his desire to marry me. And I also knew for a fact that my husband didn''t want to propose without a proper ring which we could not afford at the time. Luckily, I knew that a ring does not a proposal make, so I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted to be his wife and if that meant never having a ring, it would be just fine with me. We got married 3 weeks later. I just got my engagement ring after 3 years of marriage and a baby.

    The point is, if 2 people want to commit to eachOTHER, they find a way to make it happen. Your boyfriend is not there yet. I don''t know when he will be, but for now it''s best to just let it rest. For your own sanity.
     
  3. Indylady
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    by Indylady » Mar 25, 2010
    Lily, I think there''s hardly a long-term LIW that hasn''t had at least one freakout thread. I have definitely had a running to PS kind of moment, and many others have, for their own reasons. Also, if you have to throw in a prefacing statement like, "I''m not trying to be harsh" or "No offense" chances are, you''re doing just that.

    I do think many of these ladies gave excellent advice, and I respect their opinions. However, being a new member like MK is, I can certainly understand the hurt that would come from about 3 pages of the responses above.

    I think MK has a right to post, and you all have a right to post back, whatever you opinion is. This is a public forum. However, I do not understand those of you who have responded to MK''s threads multiple times, with the same advice, getting more critical and unnecessarily high-pitched as the thread moves on. You''ve said your piece, which is great. If MK doesn''t want to listen, and this bothers you, you don''t have to read another one of MK''s threads ever again. MK can''t make her SO do anything, and we can''t make MK do anything. Sometimes we have to accept this reality, and move on. No need to keep brandishing the same idea once its been shared. [​IMG]
     
  4. Prana
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    by Prana » Mar 25, 2010
    MK, from the sound of this post and your past posts, you are on the fast track to nothing other than getting dumped.

    You have posted about your BF wanting space, wanting to be alone when he''s sick, wanting to take a break/have alone time after experiencing a death in his family. You haven''t appeared to have gotten the hint... you are overbearing!

    I feel your anxiety coming out in your posts. You get great advice, then you get mad and make excuses, which we see around here an awful lot.

    You said you don''t have any girlfriends to ''vent to''. You don''t seem to be on the same page as your BF in terms of timelines and engagements. Is it possible that you have given up friends and goals and self identity, and poured every ounce of yourself into your relationship?

    From what I''m hearing (I don''t know you, so I''m going off your own posting history), your relationship sounds very unhealthy, and you seem like you could use some hobbies and interests and friends of your own.

    Space is extremely important in a relationship. Everyone needs their own alone time, time with their own friends, time apart, etc. Maybe if you start doing things on your own, apart from him, and allow him some space to do things on his own, he will miss you and realize that he simply cannot live without you, and viola! want to propose.

    And I know the above sounds harsh, and I expect you to get defensive, but I hope you consider the things that I and others have said.
     
    


    


  5. GG414
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    by GG414 » Mar 25, 2010
    hi mk,
    i understand your frustration with the other ps''ers advice. in general, the message you''re getting is "STOP OBSESSING," which is about as helpful as telling someone who wants to lose weight "STOP EATING."

    so, having been through a very frustrating period of obsessive wanting to be engaged myself, i will tell you what my problem was: i had too much time on my hands and i was not personally satisfied with my life. about 1.5 years ago i graduated from professional school and moved to a new city with the bf (our first time living together) for his job. i found myself feeling very insecure b/c unlike my other friends from graduate school, i did not have a job and seeing as how the economy had collapsed, no job was in sight. i was floundering in a new city and did not know where my life was going. thus, in an effort to create some sort of certainty in my life, i started obsessing about getting engaged. bad decision. although my relationship did not take a serious hit, there were several heated conversations that ended in tears and i was constantly frustrated. i finally found a job after 3-4 months and my obsessing and frustrations instantly went away b/c (1) i was working 14hr days and literally did not have time to think about it, and (2) my new job reaffirmed that i am in fact a talented person and "going somewhere" in life, so i no longer felt like i needed the "accomplishment" of getting engaged/married. although i don''t know you, based on your various posts, i think you may also be a victim of the too much time/not satisfied with own accomplishments combination. so, my advice to you is: immerse yourself in something else and work on yourself. it cannot be stressed enough how important it is be happy with yourself. once you are you will stop worrying about what others think and won''t seek the affirmation of arbitrary timelines about getting married/engaged. all this of course, is easier said than done, so best of luck to you.
     
  6. purselover
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    by purselover » Mar 26, 2010
    I''m just going to try the dead honest approach right now. You are forewarned and can feel free to skip ahead to the next poster ......

    If your bf is so committed and you''ve had all these talks about how you for sure are getting married why are you questioning his timeline so much? Why are you doubtful that he''s giving you a timeline as you said and I quote "to shut you up?." If you were truly sure and committed you wouldn''t be on here asking a bunch of strangers what they thought! What do we know, we''re not a bunch of Kreskins, we only know as much as you tell us - and we know your bf has flat out said he''s afraid you just want to get married for security, and that you need to give him more space and wanted a break. Why on earth would he want to propose to someone who is so dependant on him?

    Honestly I''m trying to help when I say he''s telling you to back off, and questioning all his actions isn''t going to get you anywhere you want to be. In a healthy relationship you shouldn''t be on here questioning what it means that your bf wants space when he''s sick, I mean come on! Seriosuly think about what getting married means and what will change after you sign that piece of paper why is it so important to you?

    Instead of getting defense please respond to our questioning so we can find out more

    Also just because he can''t afford a ring doesn''t mean you can''t be engaged
     
  7. lilyfoot
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    by lilyfoot » Mar 26, 2010
     
  8. Indylady
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    by Indylady » Mar 26, 2010
    [​IMG]
     
  9. lilyfoot
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    by lilyfoot » Mar 26, 2010
    I really don''t understand what''s up with your rude attitute towards me, but I really don''t appreciate it.

    I came into this thread to give my opinion, which was solicited.

    You then proceeded to single me out, from many other posters, whom were all basically saying the same things I was.

    Step off your high horse and leave me alone. I don''t deserve this immature treatment from you, or anybody else.
     
  10. winelover23
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    by winelover23 » Mar 26, 2010
    Keep up the dramz ladies, it''s making my Friday go by so much faster![​IMG]
     
    


    


  11. Lauren8211
    Super_Ideal_Rock

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    by Lauren8211 » Mar 26, 2010
    Marry me?
     
  12. Bia
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Bia » Mar 26, 2010
    +1.
     
  13. monarch64
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    by monarch64 » Mar 26, 2010
    Why''s there coffee in your avatar? You need WINE in your avatar!!! rofl
     
  14. Bia
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    by Bia » Mar 26, 2010
    HEY!

    We''re not polygamous with other women you know. only men.

    (but for Wino, I might make an exception...maybe!)
     
  15. Lauren8211
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    by Lauren8211 » Mar 26, 2010
    [​IMG]
     
    


    


  16. winelover23
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    by winelover23 » Mar 26, 2010
    It''s for the morning AFTER the wine[​IMG]

    B & E - 5some marriage = hot. Just saying.
     
  17. Lauren8211
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    by Lauren8211 » Mar 26, 2010
    Just to throw in my two cents, no one in this thread was being rude towards MK.

    When you post a series of threads all with the same theme, we pick up on it. Then we give advice based on our own personal experiences. A lot of us have seen red flags before, so when we see them in another PSers situation, we inform them.

    The best advice I can give is to just read the responses and take from it what you feel comfortable. If you don''t like a response, ignore it. Reacting about how "mean" everyone is doesn''t usually resolve anything. There are lots of people from different backgrounds, experiences, life choices, and they ALL have opinions.

    Know that when you post here, you''re getting everyones personal version of the truth. No one here is trying to be mean in giving advice.
     
  18. monarch64
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    by monarch64 » Mar 26, 2010
    Ohhhhhhhhh. Duh! *smacks forehead*
     
  19. sunnyd
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    by sunnyd » Mar 26, 2010
    Don''t forget who she comes with! [​IMG]
     
  20. Lauren8211
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    by Lauren8211 » Mar 26, 2010
    HOT!
     
  21. FrekeChild
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    by FrekeChild » Mar 26, 2010
    Ditto this.

    Also, IndyLady netnannying is unbecoming. And I'm telling you think because I like you, but you seem to do it a lot. We KNOW we don't have to read things, and we KNOW we don't have to post the same advice OVER and OVER and OVER again. Frankly, it's a waste of our time. But guess what? We're going to do what we want to do. Period. [​IMG]

    (NOTE: using the general "we". I don't know that I've ever posted to MK before, but I have read her threads, and I agree with pretty much everyone else.)
     
  22. Indylady
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    by Indylady » Mar 26, 2010
    I''m sorry that I singled you out; I meant it as a note to everyone, but realize that because I quoted your post, that my final statements came across as directed only at you. It was unfair of me to pick apart a few of your statements and not the rest which ruffled my feathers in the same way.

    To everyone: I will stand for someone when I think they are being bullied. Its my opinion that that has happened, and I understand that not everyone feels that way. For the most part, this thread is really very helpful, but somewhere along the way it crossed the line. For me, it did. It would have bothered me a lot if I hadn''t said anything, because its much easier to say +1 and much harder to say I don''t agree; it was necessary for me to post my response even if it didn''t resolve anything, and even if there''s no one that agrees with me. So, this netnanny is going to ride her high horse over to the mailbox to see if I''ve got any goodies [​IMG].
     
  23. lilyfoot
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    by lilyfoot » Mar 26, 2010
    I really appreciate that, Indy, thank you. [​IMG]
     
  24. FrekeChild
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  25. dinamit
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    by dinamit » Mar 26, 2010
    For what it's worth, I totally hear what IndyLady is saying. I've read every single post in this thread, and whilst I agree that most of the advice is coming from the right place, some of the posts adopt a not-so-friendly tone. And the tone matters.

    I am fairly new to LIW too, in that I haven't posted much, but it looks as if MK has been singled out. I am aware that she posted quite a few threads expressing similar feelings, but the LIW community needen't pour itself out like a tonne of bricks. Honestly, how many other threads have attracted this much attention? It's as if people are really bothered by this young girl's insecurities about her relationship. You may disagree with her, offer advice, even tough love, but please don't show your irritation.
     
  26. FrekeChild
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    by FrekeChild » Mar 26, 2010
    About once every 3-6 months or so, a LIW DOES attract this much attention. Go check out chocolatefudge's threads for one of the most notable.

    ETA: it is only after repeated posts that this situation does seem to occur. And yes, post after repeated post of the same old thing, it gets really really old to read the same thing over and over again without any movement by the OP towards a solution to the posted problem. Chocolatefudge was lucky to have a happy ending to her story, but there are others who have not. And often, if you go read back through their posts, well meaning PSers who have repeatedly voiced their concern have often been proven right. For another story that had a very emotionally draining ending, go look up Becky P's story.
     
  27. Lauren8211
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    by Lauren8211 » Mar 26, 2010
    This thread was overdue. [​IMG]

    Deja vuuuuu!!! I should just start pulling my advice from the old LIW-in-Distress threads and reposting it when we get the new drama sagas every 3-6 months. [​IMG]
     
  28. dinamit
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    by dinamit » Mar 26, 2010
    Ladies, thanks for the insight into the workings of the LIW forum [​IMG]

    It''s just that I''d hate someone to feel expelled from here, especially if they are feeling vulnerable.
     
  29. luckynumber
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    by luckynumber » Mar 26, 2010
    MK,

    just take a break from LIW, come back when your BF has already started looking for your ring, and in the meantime, find some real life friends to vent to.

    i don't think this thread, though well-meaning, is going to make you feel any better right now.

    all the best, love [​IMG]
     
  30. blueberrydot
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    by blueberrydot » Mar 26, 2010
    Whoa. This is a helluva thread. MK, I''ve read through your posting history, and while doing so, the same image kept popping into my mind, of a kid sitting in the backseat repeating "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" The parent constantly answers that they will get "there" at X time, but the "Are we there yets" don''t stop, and the only thing that''s happening are that the parents are being driven absolutely nuts.

    Your boyfriend has given you a timeline, that an engagement will happen in two to four years. He is obviously not ready right now at this minute, for whatever reason, which is why he gave you that timeline. It may be that he doesn''t feel like he can currently spend as much as he wants to on a ring for you at the moment, it may be that he''s not where he wants to be in his life, career wise - it may simply be that he isn''t ready, period. And not being ready for marriage RIGHT NOW does not mean that he is not 100% committed to you. And it is totally normal! Especially with people who are in your age group. I know some other ladies on this thread maybe have expressed some doubts as to his intentions, but it would not surprise me at all if, in his head, your boyfriend truly believes that you are the one and has every wish, hope and intention of spending the rest of his life with you. However, even if your boyfriend has made a mental commitment to marry you, it''s gotta be really really frustrating, annoying and irritating to have you constantly asking, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" If you have true faith that he will propose by the 4 year deadline, and you are willing to wait that long for him, then there''s no problem. Except that there is a problem, because despite what he has told you, and how many times he has reassured you about your relationship, you are still coming at him hard about getting engaged, and this can do nothing but negative things to your relationship, no matter how much you two love each other.

    When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we knew from the beginning that we were going to get married. By our third date we were talking about who we would have in our wedding party! However, when we were talking about our timelines, we both came to a decision that we would not become engaged until we had been dating for two years. This was for many reasons, but among them was that I just didn''t think I would feel ready to get engaged before that time. My boyfriend was ready to get engaged after a year, but I was adamant that we should wait. This was not because I was not sure that I loved him, or that I had wasn''t sure if he was The One - I knew that without a doubt. I just needed that time to emotionally prepare to be ready for marriage, and he respected that. As much as I love him, and as much as I was sure that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, if he had constantly pestered me about getting engaged or made me feel pressured in any way, I would have become really irritated and resentful for pushing an engagement. Once in a while he would say something like "I wish we were married now" but he said it in a way that made me feel like he was saying "I love you so much that I wish we were already married" and not "I wish you would get your act together and marry me, because I really hate waiting around for you to be ready." You have posted several times about how your boyfriend told you that he feels pressured by you. Please don''t take the advice on here as attacks against you or your relationship - we are simply trying to save you from yourself. You had previously posted that you felt that 2-4 years was a good time to date before getting engaged, yet you also posted about breaking down into tears to your bf because you weren''t engaged yet, when you were only a year and a half into your relationship. If I were your bf, I would certainly think that was a bit unreasonable. Of course you can''t help the way that you feel, but if you told your boyfriend that you are fine with his timeline (2-4 years), you shouldn''t be flipping out on him like this...the other ladies have been spot on when they said that this sort of behavior is unfair to him. If you are NOT ok with the 2-4 year timeline, then all you can do is have a very serious talk about possibly moving it up. If getting married earlier than the current timeline is important to you and if it''s what you truly want, then your concerns need to be addressed as well - you don''t have to "accept" your boyfriend''s timeline as final - you should also get a say. But whatever you two decide on TOGETHER, you BOTH have to accept.
     
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