Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel bad?

[TwinkleStar]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Very exciting! Please let us know what you end up with - and pics!!!

 

[mayerling]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I just read through the whole thread and just wanted to offer my congratulations! Great news

p.s. This isn't meant to be condescending, but why do you call him your BF?

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Thank you everyone, I promise I'll send you pics as soon as I have it on my hand

@ mayerling : you're right, but I'm so used to call him this way!

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Sorry in advance if this sounds harsh...

If I guy wants to be engaged and married, he will ask you to marry him.

I don't know, I think you might have put him in a tough spot by asking. He had been with you for 6 years, so he couldn't exactly say no without it turning into a major issue. My hunch is that he's going to drag his feet until the point that he would have proposed on his own.

Amc80 your posts are very good! Again, I agree with you. Just knowing that you will someday get married, is not being officially engaged to me. I'm sure many girls in LIW would love to hurry things and ask their guy. Like said above, he will get the ring and you will be officially, wedding plan starting, tell all your friends, Engaged.

 

[Circe]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Frenchcut, I am looking forward to seeing your ring soon! And, since this post has been on my mind for a week or so now, since I first read all the responses (and since I finally have a spare minute) ... good on you for proposing, and for doing it "properly" with a plan and an engagement present and all of that. To everybody who's generalizing that women should never propose and playing out some bizarre morality play where Frenchcut's ring is delayed because she stepped outside of proper gender roles and presumed to have a hand in her own future, I will politely quote Harry S. Truman: horse manure.

I proposed to my husband, and on the spur of the moment, at that: he was absolutely delighted. When a more traditional friend asked if he didn't feel emasculated by having been asked as opposed to having done the asking, he stared at them blankly before responding that, no, he was actually really secure in his masculinity ... but thanks. When a more traditional friend asked me if I wasn't embarrassed to have it be known that I did the asking, because didn't I feel like it implied that I loved him more than he loved me, I stared at her blankly, and said, no, I felt pretty good about being happily engaged to a dude who wasn't living in the '50s ... but thanks. There is so much gender politics and man-f*cks-woman subject-verb-object tied up in that whole attitude, good lord!. (Quoting Catherine MacKinnon, not being profane for the fun of it, btw.)

Having seen how the thread has played out, I'm thinking the ring delay really was just a planning issue, and a practical outgrowth of what he wanted to get you. Should his wishes trump yours? No ... but given what you say about his generally retiring personality, it's interesting that he wants to assert his taste in this case, and to do so in a way that demonstrates that he wants you to have "the best," as it's defined in his head. I'm sure that ring is going to be a firecracker.

 

[pancake]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Sorry in advance if this sounds harsh...

If I guy wants to be engaged and married, he will ask you to marry him.

I don't know, I think you might have put him in a tough spot by asking. He had been with you for 6 years, so he couldn't exactly say no without it turning into a major issue. My hunch is that he's going to drag his feet until the point that he would have proposed on his own.

Amc80 your posts are very good! Again, I agree with you. Just knowing that you will someday get married, is not being officially engaged to me. I'm sure many girls in LIW would love to hurry things and ask their guy. Like said above, he will get the ring and you will be officially, wedding plan starting, tell all your friends, Engaged.

I really disagree with this and with all those who have posted cautionary messages questioning Frenchcut's partner's readiness for marriage. I am not alone in my social circle in having been the half of my partnership who initiated the talks about marriage and engagement. In my and my friends' cases it boiled down to the same thing - my now-husband definitely assumed we would marry, but hadn't gone through the cognitive step of ralising that one has to actuall DO something to achieve this!

It is not an indictment of Frenchcut's, or Circe's relationship that they brought it up first, or indeed, proposed, and it isn't reflective of some deep lack of maturity or commitment in my or their partners that things occurred in that sequence. In my case our marriage would have occurred a lot later if I hadn't initiated the discussion and alerted my husband to the fact that these things take time and money to plan.

Frnchcut has given plenty of good indications that intention to marry or commitment are NOT the issues at hand here. It's just about the ring. Geez.

Speaking of the ring - I can't wait to see it either!

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Hello everyone,

Just back from two weeks in Thailand...it's now time for an update!

My BF was kind of proud to announce on Valentine's day that he would be able to buy me a ring in 2-3 weeks...

He's only waiting for a reimbursement of professional expense and he'll be ready to pull the trigger

Congratulations!!! I am sooo happy for you. I can't wait to see your ring.

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Thank you @ Circe and Pancake!

It took me a lot of time before I felt ready to propose and if you want to know how I came to that idea, here's the story:

Something like 3 years ago one of my male colleagues arrived one morning in the office and told us that he was engaged! We congratulated him and asked him how he proposed...he looked rather suprised and told that, no, he had not proposed but instead his girlfriend had proposed him! We were all very surprised, including me, but he was very proud and showed us the watch she had chosen for him...it's later that day that I realized my boyfriend was just like that guy, waiting for his girl to propose! It's hard to explain, but that day it became obvious that he was expecting me to make the decision, I was shocked at first but gradually accepted the fact he would never propose.

To be fully honest it took me two years to accept the idea because I thought it was his a man's job to propose and was quite upset that he wouldn't take the initiative. But then I realized it would never happen...we had numerous discussions about getting married and everytime he seemed to be waiting for me to say: "yes, let's get married...".

Of course I don't regret what I did as we really had a great time when I proposed him and he really is enthusiastic about the wedding itself! I couldn't believe it when he announced our engagement to his parents, he was so proud

Thanks again to all those who contributed to this thread, this forum is really great!

 

[karpouzi]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I think it's great that you proposed to him. The red flag for me in this thread was that you don't seem to consider yourself engaged. Calling him your boyfriend, not even telling your mother about the engagement. I think if you want to propose, you should propose, but once he accepts, you should own the fact that you are engaged! You were so happy to see your fiance proudly telling his parents about the engagement, but turn that around--how do you think he feels that you still haven't told your mother?

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

New update...and every time I think the wait is over there's another delay!

But this time I cannot complain as I'm partly responsible for it! We've just started planning the wedding and need to pay a deposit to secure the venue...and I thought that we had enough in bank to pay for both the deposit and the ring but we are short of a few thousand dollars...

So I was left with the following choice:
- paying the deposit but having to wait two additional months for my e-ring
- having my e-ring now but taking the risk that the venue is not available anymore when we are ready to pay in May...

Needless to say that I chose the first option: I'd rather wait a little longer for a ring that having no venue for the wedding!

Still, I'm feeling a bit sad that it's delayed again. It's been so long and frustrating that I'm not sure I still want a ring, Somehow it has taken all the fun out of it!

My boyfriend noticed it and told me he would get me a bigger stone since I was willing to wait longer and he understands that's it's frustrating after so many months of waiting...but honestly I don't really care anymore and I'll probably ask him to wait until we have something else to celebrate (like our 1st/2nd anniversary?).

I don't know if that makes sense but I don't really care about the ring itself, it's the symbolic value of an e-ring (no matter how small/big the ring actually is) that mattered to me. And since my fiance was not ready in time for an e-ring last year it may be better to wait until we have another occasion for a celebtration ?

@ Karpouzi: there were two main reasons why I hadn't told my mother when I started this thread:
1) I thought it was only a matter of weeks before I would get my e-ring so at that time it made sense to wait and show up with the news of our engagement and the ring!
2) she will probably not be too much interested in my wedding (I know it sounds weird but she doesn't care for this kind of "celebrations")...so it was not a top priority to tell her!
My boyfriend is well aware that I didn't tell her and he's not suprised at all given her lack of interest...

 

[mayerling]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I think you made the right choice in picking the venue over the ring.

Having said that, I don't think you should tell him not to give you a ring until there's "a reason to celebrate". Isn't being engaged/planning the wedding/getting married a reason to celebrate? I'm sure you'll love it when you actually get it.

Just to continue with my two cents here, but FI and I didn't actually do the whole proposal thing (it's not really done where I'm from). We had a conversation and decided we wanted to get married when we were able to afford it - so in effect we were engaged right then and there (though we didn't consider ourselves engaged). So months went by and when the time came that we were able to afford it, we had another conversation and we said 'ok, we can afford to get married so let's go get the ring', and we did. Not having the big proposal or the surprise ring didn't matter. I was still absolutely in love with my ring when we did get it.

By the way, I'm not saying you wanted the proposal or surprise ring (I know you didn't). I'm just trying to say that when I finally did get the ring I was over the moon with it and I think you will be too.

 

[lavaca15]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Im completely baffled. I thought this guy was well off with money, so why does he have to wait for "reimbursement checks" and save for months???

It sounds like he is just making up excuses to prolong this fake engagement even more. Sometimes love blinds us completely and maybe this is what's happening to you. Others have already mentioned there are red flags that something is seriously wrong with this scenario. I think you should listen to others' advice and really analyze your situation. This isn't normal!

I really wish you the best. It'd be nice if he would join the forum so we could meet him!