Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel bad?

[Frenchcut]

Hi there, it's my first post in this section of the forum and I don't know if it's the right place to post because technically I'm engaged (since last August) but I still don't have my e-ring...so I still feel very much like a LIW!

To make it short, we got engaged last August and I took him to a trip to celebrate. That trip was my engagement gift to him and it was pretty expensive but definitely worth it as it gave us the opportunity to celebrate our engagement proprely!

The problem is we came back from our "engagement trip" 5 months ago and I still don't have the e-ring he promised me. Sot it started frustrating me as he first told me I would get it by the end of the year, then December, and now it's become "when I can afford it...soon"...

Like many girls I do want an engagement ring but I didn't expect to have to wait for several months once we would get engaged. So instead of being happy at the prospect of having a diamond ring I'm growing frustrated to the point where I even considered asking him not to buy me ring...what's the meaning of this ring now that we've been officially engaged for almost half a year ?!

But I know he won't change his mind and would be very upset if I suggested that he doesn't buy me a ring so I didn't even try.

At the same time I feel bad because I know that he must feel under pressure to get me that ring since he got his own engagement present months ago...so I don't speak too much about it anymore. I already suggested he got me a smaller diamond, or a non-diamond e-ring but he doesn't want to hear about it.

He doesn't seem to understand that what matters is the ring as a symbol and that I'd rather have a smaller one or one with a saphhire instead of having to wait for months....

I guess it's normal to be frustrated by this situation but I think I'm overthinking the whole thing and I come to the point where I don't care anymore for a ring...it's just too late...

You must be thinking I am being too harsh on my Fiance but I spend so much time preparing his present (and it also proved very expensive) that I feel truly disappointed that I didn't get anything more than a "Yes" in return...Once again, I was ready to settle on a small ring or one without a diamond and told him so...but he doesn't want to hear! Just like he doesn't realize next month is Valentine's day and it would have been the perfect opportunity (I already asked him if he wanted to make something special that day but he didn't answer).

Have some of you been in the same situation? Did it not "spoil" the pleasure of being given an e-ring once you finally got it? Please share your experience with me if you're currently in the same situation...I don't dare talking about this to my friends as I fear they wouldn't understand what I'm going through.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Welcome! I had this huge thing typed out but it wasn't really focused or going anywhere, so I'll try again.

I'm not a LIW anymore, but I wanted to respond. I guess I feel like this could be one of several scenarios. A lot depends on things we don't know...like how long you and your SO have been together, how old you are, if he has the means to save for the ring but hasn't, or if unexpected things have come up that prevented him from doing it sooner, etc.

I think that you're feelings are justified. He proposed almost 6 months ago and the only timeline you can get is a "soon". Does he want to surprise you with it? Do you have some special date coming up? Have you shared your feelings about not having a solid timeline? I know that when my FI and I were in the waiting stage, it was 100% due to finances. He reassured me though during that time by working really hard to save and sharing his accounts (we already lived together) with me. We had a household budget and I saw him consistently passing over little extras (going out to lunch, the latest DVD, etc.) to save diligently. He had a spreadsheet on our computer that had all of the expenses, savings and income projected out for several months. As time went on and I saw the accounts reflecting similar amounts to what the budget showed, it was really exciting. I think that if your guy doesn't want to surprise you with it (which you need to know the answer to that, and have some input on since he already proposed and you already gave him his engagement present), then you need more than "soon".

Now if you think that he's waiting for a special date or Valentine's Day and have a good feeling about it because of hints, then maybe just wait until after that date. It's a risk though. If you put your hopes into that and start to expect it but it doesn't happen, it's going to be a disaster of a day instead of one you are able to enjoy for what it is.

Good luck!

 

[briolette]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Hi Frenchcut. I know exactly how you feel because up until, well yesterday, I was in a similar boat.

He doesn't seem to understand that what matters is the ring as a symbol and that I'd rather have a smaller one or one with a saphhire instead of having to wait for months...

Have you told him this explicitly? I think when I explained the symbolism of having a ring on my finger, it was a "ah ha" moment for the SO. At the time, he felt like getting something inexpensive would be "settling" somehow and at first, didn't like the idea.

Granted, we're not officially engaged. That'll come with the "real" ring and actual wedding date, but the intention to get married is there once his finances are ironed out, and that's where the "Promise Ring" came in. I know for most men, financial stability is very important and so is pride. I'm sure your Fiance is waiting for good reasons.

I can understand the frustration of giving him a big engagement gift and not really getting much in returns. Boys, I swear. He may not really comprehend how much planning that took. Don't take it personally. Guys can be boneheaded about such things. Also, I discovered the word "soon" is up for interpretation. LOL.

Hang in there!

 

[mariewest]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I'm just curious, what are your wedding plans? I'd be surprise if he will be able to afford helping to pay for a wedding if he can't pay for a ring. Perhaps you can look into getting a temporary ring for now and upgrade later. Just a suggestion.

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

First,thank you all for your support!

He has more money than needed to pay for a nice engagement ring, but he wants to buy something "big" because that's his style (big car, big watch.... ).

I already showed him some nice rings that were half the amount he wants to spend but he didn't seem to care...even though I told him they were good enough to my own taste!

As for our wedding plans we've already decided where it would take place in 2012 and I know he won't have any difficulty in getting the money to pay for the whole thing...that's definitely not a money problem.

He just doesn't understand that I don't need the most expensive ring he can afford, and that any ring he would choose for me would be fine...And no way he's preparing a surprise, it's not like him at all

At least I won't be disappointed when comes Valentine's day !

 

[Seattle SC]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

So first off, I'm a big traditionalist so please don't find this rude but it does seem odd to me to consider being engaged without a ring. My SO has already said that he wants to marry me, we're planning for 2012, and we've even created a mock guest list so we'd have an idea on how many people we'd be looking at...but at no point would I ever tell anyone I'm engaged, as much as I would like to. While it's superficial, the ring is a symbol to people you know and don't know, that you're taken. Out of curiosity, what would his reaction be if you told him you can't consider yourself engaged until you have the ring? I don't blame you for wanting *something* on your hand, heck, I've said with the time I've waited, the longer I wait, the bigger the ct gets..but in the back of my head I'd probably say yes to a ring pop by now. I guess I don't have any decent advice other than make sure he's paying attention to his finances so you can convince yourself he's truely saving up for a big sparkly rock and hopefully that wait will be worth it when you finally get to open the box!

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

If I dared tell him that I don't truly feel "engaged" since I don't have the ring yet he certainly wouldn't understand.

Especially since I'm partially responsible for this mess: we had agreed to get married and talked about getting an engagement ring for me but he wouldn't propose me formally (it's just not like him to do that). So I eventually decided to propose him (it's a long story, I'll post it someday)...at the time it looked like the only way to "move forward" and start planning the wedding

But it's true that I didn't tell my mother that I'm engaged. He was very proud to tell his family that we were engaged but I would feel silly telling her now and having to go back months later to show her the ring!

As a matter of fact, and as stupid as it may sound I only feel "partially-engaged". To friends that I don't see too often I didn't say anything...waiting for the ring.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

May I ask how old you both are and how long you've been together? I'm trying to work this out in my head and that info is pretty important.

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

He's 36 and I'm 33...and we've been together for almost 6 years. We even bought our new home together 2 years ago, so it's not like he's not serious with me

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Oh okay. Thanks for answering! Honestly, I'm not sure what to say. You've been together a long time. You own a home together. He seems to have the ability to get an ering for you. Usually we see issues where the guy hasn't proposed even w/o a ring but you've proposed to him so that's hard to sort out. Maybe he just doesn't quite understand how important it is to you to have an ering as a symbol since you already own a home together, etc.? I'm sorry, but I'm stumped!

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

It's clear that's there's a misunderstanding on the meaning of this ring: to me it's symbolic but to him I suspect it's more a question of status...he wants to show his family and friends what a beautiful (and expensive) ring he got me, even if that means I have to wait for 8 or 10 months.

I showed him another design of the famous jeweller that I know has his preference, that's almost like a halo so the ring looks bigger. I told him that it would enable him to get me a great looking ring without having to spend too much as the center stone could be smaller with this setting...he looked almost shocked

There's nothing I can do but wait until he pull the trigger...

By the way, thank you for taking time answering me, what a great forum this is

 

[slg47]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

honestly I think you just have to wait, the ering is the one thing he gets to pick out and if he really wants to get you a fancy one then well...you're going to have to wait for it!

do you know what style of ring he is thinking about?

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

He wants it very simple, a solitaire with no pave so the stone will pop more.

It's not going to be a big stone but he wants to get it from a high end jeweller (possibly Cartier) so it's going to be pretty expensive even if it's around 1 carat. Once again, it's a matter of status: for him a smaller Cartier diamond will always mean more than a bigger one bought on the net...

 

[should i be here]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I don't get it either; I've refrained from posting until I found out more. Given that he SOUNDS well-set with money (even more than just ok!), I'm confused as to what's taking him so long to save $, if that is indeed what he is doing? Otherwise, maybe he's already initiated the process and there's just some holdup (like sourcing the appropriate stone, designing the ring itself, etc. etc.) that he keeps trying to account for?

Clearly he wants the ring to be a showstopper. I guess the question is whether he knows that you would rather have a ring, any ring, on your finger at all versus what he thinks is a bigger payoff? Maybe he thinks you're fine and dandy just knowing there's a ring coming (and a super-expensive one at that) and doesn't even know that you're waiting and waiting?

 

[amc80]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Sorry in advance if this sounds harsh...

If I guy wants to be engaged and married, he will ask you to marry him.

I don't know, I think you might have put him in a tough spot by asking. He had been with you for 6 years, so he couldn't exactly say no without it turning into a major issue. My hunch is that he's going to drag his feet until the point that he would have proposed on his own.

 

[swingirl]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Especially since I'm partially responsible for this mess: we had agreed to get married and talked about getting an engagement ring for me but he wouldn't propose me formally (it's just not like him to do that). So I eventually decided to propose him (it's a long story, I'll post it someday)...at the time it looked like the only way to "move forward" and start planning the wedding

The reason you don't have a ring?? This.

 

[amc80]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Especially since I'm partially responsible for this mess: we had agreed to get married and talked about getting an engagement ring for me but he wouldn't propose me formally (it's just not like him to do that). So I eventually decided to propose him (it's a long story, I'll post it someday)...at the time it looked like the only way to "move forward" and start planning the wedding

The reason you don't have a ring?? This.

Yep, exactly what I was trying to say.

 

[Laughinggravy0]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

My dear, I'm not a lady in waiting but I like the way most of the posts are supportive and so I lurk here from time to time and this provokes me to post.

I think there are some red lights here, don't you? You say if you dared to tell him the ring was important.... etc... if you are thinking of marrying, shouldn't you be able to 'dare' to talk about whatever you needed to get off your chest? Perhaps you did pre empt things by asking, not a nice thought but I think you need to be thinking good and hard here. You say you proposed so you could move forward and plan the wedding.... well but that could maybe have put the guy in a tough place? What do you think?

And finally, why don't you say everything you have said here, to him. And if you are embarrassed because you think you are 'responsible for this mess you are in' well, it takes two to make a mess and you now need to address the matter head on. Hopefully that will clear the air.

Good luck, we're thinking of you.

 

[DisneyBride828]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I agree with AMC and SwinGirl. I don't think he's quite ready. Also, not to thread-jack, but I've never known any woman who have proposed to their men: What is the standard for getting a ring? Since the woman is doing the proposing, should a ring be expected? Just curious, and not meaning to offend anyone.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

It seems like a very unhappy position for you both to be in, there have been studies that show usually when the girl proposed the male usually does not really consider the engagement formal until he proposes himself anyway, so he is probably just waiting until he is ready to do so.

I have always thought that some cultural traditions are traditions for a reason.

And try to remember that a ring is regardless of how much money you spent on the holiday, to try and keep your sanity remember that was your choice, and not cutting a deal to get a ring, you had a wonderful holiday, and it is not associated with his responsibility to get a ring.

And I agree with Laughinggravy's post that you should be able to talk about anything, particularly everything you posted about in your OP, and even though you are embarrassed you might find talking to him and getting it all out in the open was exactly what you needed!

 

[TwinkleStar]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

This is not a romantic suggestion at all, but it sounds like you guys have a lot of things sorted in terms of your financials and planning, especially if he's not a wanting to surprise you kind of guy (although you never know when it comes to things like engagements! ) You could have an open and honest discussion about what budget he is looking at, how much he has leftover every month after all of your expenses, and when you can realistically expect him to have enough that he is comfortable with. Putting money away can be tough with living and entertainment expenses and unexpected expenses, so sometimes you have to spend what you thought you could budget away.

Like I said, not romantic at all, but if you can't wait and need to know a timeframe, this could help put the wheels in motion.

Edit: Oops, also wanted to add that this would be a good opportunity to manage his expectations down if you really just want a ring as a symbol of engagement.

 

[vanilla87]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Especially since I'm partially responsible for this mess: we had agreed to get married and talked about getting an engagement ring for me but he wouldn't propose me formally (it's just not like him to do that). So I eventually decided to propose him (it's a long story, I'll post it someday)...at the time it looked like the only way to "move forward" and start planning the wedding

The reason you don't have a ring?? This.

I agree whole heartedly with this. Since he is dragging his feet i worry that he may not have considered his decision properly when he said yes. What wouldve happend if he said no? Would the relationship have ended? Perhaps he is not ready and said yes for fear of losing you and the life you have together. I sincerely hope this is not the case, but it may be is something worth considering and discussing with him.

Good luck and i hope you get a resolution soon!!

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I only proposed him because we had already discussed several time getting married and I knew he was ready. He was the one to suggest getting married in the in February last year but just didn’t know how to ask (he basically told me that he wanted to get married but that it was not like him to make a romantic proposal…it was clear that he expected me to start planning the wedding).

That’s why I decided I would take the initiative, not to make him uncomfortable but to have something to remember later. He was really happy when I did it and it was also him who suggested getting me a ring…I didn’t request one, it really was HIS idea!

And when we came back and visited his parents he was so proud to tell them that we had just got engaged, it was really funny!

As for the budget, we also had this discussion: I needed to know how much he was willing to pay to make some appropriate suggestions…We went to several jewelers and I showed him some rings that were far below his budget but he didn’t like any of them! He has one specific design in mind and nothing else will do…no matter how long it takes to get it!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Okay, yep, I am going to be the worlds biggest B and call BS.

Op, maybe your side of the story is true...but something, somewhere is off. 6 months, no ring and a guy who is a show boat with plenty of money? That, for me doesn't exactly add up. I think it's time you put this complaint where it belongs, and that's on him. We can sit here all day and spin your ringless relationship any number of ways, but none of it is going to get you the answers you want or the resolution you need. If this is the man you want to marry, then having a conversation shouldn't be something you dare not do...

Just my .02

 

[HappyNewLife]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

All the ladies here have had wonderful suggestions and insight on this. I just wanted to add my perspective, as I am not the traditional LIW (or was, I am engaged now) since I am in a same-sex relationship.

I am a very girly girl in the sense that I love romance, want to be proposed to and be given a ring, blah blah. I never thought I would propose to someone, I always thought I'd be the proposee (ha, is that a word? not!). But the insanely fierce love I felt (and still feel) for my then girlfriend took over and I just knew I had to ask her to marry me (with a ring), and so, I did! I wanted a ring, but I wanted her to have a ring more (does that make sense?). I didn't hesitate telling people about our engagement, just because I didn't have a ring. I knew I'd get one eventually (and hell, thanks to PS, I designed and made my own ring!). I think the way I felt about her and our relationship was written all over my face and no one would look at my ring finger and think that I'm available. I practically shot out love darts from my eyes

My point-- enjoy your engagement. Don't make it about the ring or the fact that you spent $$$ on him. Engagement is short, marriage is for the rest of your life (hopefully). Enjoy where you are now-- it's supposed to be a really magical lovey time. Not a time to be resentful and upset. Afterall, it IS all about your fiancee and not a piece of metal on your finger, right?

Maybe taking some time to really think about that would help you. Take some time for you-- read books, drink tea, snuggle up in this chilly weather and just take time to think about the things that really matter to you. Hopefully, the top of that list would be YOU, your fiancee, your lives together, your home. And eventually you will have the ring and it will be the cherry on top!

Good luck!

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Thank you HappyNewLife, I was just about to say that what was really important is the quality of the relationship with fiance...I don't care so much for a ring that I would create a problem where there is none.

I just meant with this thread to express my frustration, as he's been keeping me waiting for months! He should have told me right from the start that it could take several months before he was in a position to buy the ring, but he couldn't guess how impatient I would grow

I'm really happy that I proposed him (even though I understand it's rather unconventional) and it will remain as a great memory together with our trip...

 

[should i be here]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I don't think anyone can fault you for proposing to him, especially since he seems happy about it. If he was a traditional type then maybe it would have been weird, but it sounds like it worked out fine. I think what everyone is saying is that you should just discuss it with him. There might be a misunderstanding here that is keeping you waiting.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

FC, wtf? Why on earth did you think it was a good idea to propose to this man, and why the hell are you posting here now wondering why he hasn't in turn given you some fabulous engagement ring?

Does.
Not.
Compute.

Please fill us in when you have a more realistic story! I'm all for ladies proposing if necessary, but your proposal and subsequent letdown with your man not ponying up a ring makes me second guess my opinion. I look forward to a happy ending within this thread!

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

OK, here we go again….as already stated numerous times in this thread:
1 - I’m happy with my BF
2 - he’s happy with me
3 - he’s happy I proposed him
4 – he’s the one who suggested buying this damn ring

I know I am UNCONVENTIONAL and I like it…and so does my BF! If you can’t accept that please refrain from posting here, that really doesn’t help!

THANKS to all the posters who showed some support, it’s much appreciated, really

 

[DisneyBride828]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

my post is not informative in any way other than the fact that I am a grammar nerd: It is you proposed TO him. Just an FYI


Anyways, maybe just a little shove in his direction. He may have a vision of what he wants to get you, but I'm sure you have your own. If your visions don't match, start nonchalantly showing him photos of rings you like. I used to post pictures all over his apartment, haha.