Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel bad?

[slg47]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

OK, here we go again….as already stated numerous times in this thread:
1 - I’m happy with my BF
2 - he’s happy with me
3 - he’s happy I proposed him
4 – he’s the one who suggested buying this damn ring

I know I am UNCONVENTIONAL and I like it…and so does my BF! If you can’t accept that please refrain from posting here, that really doesn’t help!

THANKS to all the posters who showed some support, it’s much appreciated, really

FC I think Monnie and other posters are just showing you some tough love-unfortunately all we can see from the situation is what you write on the internet, so our views may be skewed In general many LIWs have been 'waiting' for the ring forever and it seems to indicate that the guy is not ready. Also, many guys like to do the proposing (again, some don't care!) and perhaps he feels that since you already proposed there is no need for a big ring? I suggest having an honest conversation with him-ask if he is ready for marriage, let him know how important the ring is to you (even if it's not super big or expensive) and see how he feels.

 

[suchende]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

He doesn't feel financially secure enough yet to buy the sort of ring he thinks he should be giving to his future wife, and he didn't propose yet because of that. Clearly he does love you and want to be with you, but he's making it pretty clear he wasn't and isn't ready to make the next step. You wanted to move the timeline up, and I guess you sort of got your way, but honestly, I don't think this is so much about being "unconventional" as being impatient.

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Little update: I followed your advice and had another discussion with him, telling him that I don't want him to spend too much on that ring and it's important to me that he's comfortable with buying me one...he told me that it would take two months before he could get me the ring we saw the last time we went to Cartier, that he felt comfortable with spending that amount of money and that I souldn't worry about it.

I told him again that it was ok if the ring was smaller and it didn't have to be that expensive but he wants to buy me the ring that we saw, not a smaller one...

By the way, he loves Cartier and already bought me several rings and a pendant there. I promise I didn't try to force him into doing something he doesn't want

 

[FuturePsyD]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

FC:

I'm happy to hear that you had a discussion with him and that it appears some things were cleared up for you.

But I do wonder why you are so impatient for a ring after you have mentioned numerous times that the ring was all his idea to begin with. It would seem that you would not be so anxious about it getting a ring if you are so unconventional and it wasn't something that you had to have. (based on several of your posts)

I also wonder why he is so controlling of the ring that YOU will be wearing on your finger. I understand he wants to get a designer ring, but it sounds like everything about this ring has to be HIS way. (again, based on your posts).

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

FC:

I'm happy to hear that you had a discussion with him and that it appears some things were cleared up for you.

But I do wonder why you are so impatient for a ring after you have mentioned numerous times that the ring was all his idea to begin with. It would seem that you would not be so anxious about it getting a ring if you are so unconventional and it wasn't something that you had to have. (based on several of your posts)

I also wonder why he is so controlling of the ring that YOU will be wearing on your finger. I understand he wants to get a designer ring, but it sounds like everything about this ring has to be HIS way. (again, based on your posts).

I want to piggy back off this post (great points, FPD) and ask where is the resolution?

It seems to me, that this discussion is much the same discussion you've been having. Did he agree to a smaller ring that would make you happy? Did he put you off further? Did he stick to his guns?

I understand everything you've said...you love your boyfriend, he is thrilled you purposed...but you came here for a resolution, or validation...and I'm just wondering if it's happening or not...

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

He's 36 and I'm 33...and we've been together for almost 6 years. We even bought our new home together 2 years ago, so it's not like he's not serious with me

HI:

Living together/buying a home is not a promise of marriage. You've already stated his "intention" yet the only troubling question is why a (apparently serious) partner of 6 years has not proposed but only makes continuances/excuses for the same.

Sharon

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Thank you for all your posts, it's definitely helping me understanding better how I feel!

I've come to realize that I'm growing impatient because the more I think about it the more I wonder if it makes sense to spend so much in a ring when something much cheaper would have made me happy at the time. So it kind of makes me feel bad to think that he's doing his best to satisfy me when he could have achieved the same result more easily...

I'm feeling more and more uneasy at the thought of what he intends to spend and I would like this to come to an end so I can think of something else

And I swear I tried several time but couldn't find a way to convince him that I didn't need such an expensive ring..! I showed him several rings around 5000-6000$ but he didn't like any of them.

Maybe it's time for me to start thinking of something else and let him do as he wish. I've told that I would be happy whatever ring he would buy, there's nothing more I can do !

Instead, I think I'm going to focus on preparing our next holidays

 

[amc80]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I've come to realize that I'm growing impatient because the more I think about it the more I wonder if it makes sense to spend so much in a ring when something much cheaper would have made me happy at the time. So it kind of makes me feel bad to think that he's doing his best to satisfy me when he could have achieved the same result more easily...

I don't want to presume to know how you feel, but you really think this/i] is why you are impatient? Because you feel bad that he's trying to satisfy you by buying an expensive ring? Sorry, but no. You feel bad because he hasn't gotten you a ring. You feel bad because while he could have gotten you a ring 6 months (or 5 years, for that matter) ago, he's using the "none of these are good enough" excuse. You're impatient because you wanted a ring long before you ever proposed to him. You even said yourself that one reason for proposing was to get things moving along so you could start planning the wedding.

I'm sorry, I just don't buy it. There are a lot of reasons to be impatient or feel bad or whatever. I just don't think you're being honest with yourself.

 

[FuturePsyD]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

FC:

I'm happy to hear that you had a discussion with him and that it appears some things were cleared up for you.

But I do wonder why you are so impatient for a ring after you have mentioned numerous times that the ring was all his idea to begin with. It would seem that you would not be so anxious about it getting a ring if you are so unconventional and it wasn't something that you had to have. (based on several of your posts)

I also wonder why he is so controlling of the ring that YOU will be wearing on your finger. I understand he wants to get a designer ring, but it sounds like everything about this ring has to be HIS way. (again, based on your posts).

I want to piggy back off this post (great points, FPD) and ask where is the resolution?

It seems to me, that this discussion is much the same discussion you've been having. Did he agree to a smaller ring that would make you happy? Did he put you off further? Did he stick to his guns?

I understand everything you've said...you love your boyfriend, he is thrilled you purposed...but you came here for a resolution, or validation...and I'm just wondering if it's happening or not...

Thanks! I too wanted to know the resolution. I have to be honest and say the explanation provided by OP after our posts did not really answer the above questions. Still not sure why he is SO controlling over every detail of the ring and still not sure why she is so anxious over getting ANY ring, whether it be the $5k one she mentioned or the expensive one he's "planning", if she has stated a ring was never important to her but rather was her FI's idea. If so, then relax and let him present it to you when he's ready and it will just be the icing on the cake. You're his fiance, and based on your posts, that is what was important to you. Not a ring.

However, As AMC posted, it appears OP is not being honest with herself.

 

[LadyBlue]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I wanted to response about the ring situation. My now DH proposed to me without a ring on March 2008, he promised to get me a ring on Jul-Ago 2008 before the wedding on November 2008. Things got complicated, we had to spend a lot of money for the wedding and he was not able to buy me a ring. I did not care for the ring at the moment. But as time go by I started getting impatient. I thought I was going to get it by X-mas. I did not and it was a huge let down. I started growing very impatient. I saw a half a carat marquise ring on craigslist on January. I told him that was the ring I wanted, I told him I did not wanted to wait any longer. He told me no, and to wait for the ring he really wanted to give me. As time go by I grow more and more impatient. Finally on March 2009 I got a 2.25 carat ring, it’s the most beautiful ring I had ever seen, and I don’t regret a single day the year I had to wait for the dream ring. I know she kept saying she will be happy with a cheaper ring, and I’m sure her BF wants to wait until he gets the money, not to be mean or to be controlling. But to give her a ring he is going to be proud of, and she will love without compromising quality just b/c she is getting anxious about the ring, when he knows the waiting is worthy.

 

[amc80]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

My now DH proposed to me without a ring on March 2008

I think this is the difference. I don't want to say that I know anything about their relationship other than what the OP has told us. I also don't want to say that he doesn't love her or anything of that nature.

These are the basic facts, as we've been told:

1) They had been together 6 years without getting engaged
2) The OP proposed to him so that she could start planning their wedding
3) The fiance has held off buying her a ring, insisting it's because he wants to get her the ring he wants to get her

This is a lot different than your husband, upon proposing to you, saying he would work on getting you a ring.

ETA: I really hope my instincts are wrong on this, and I would image that all of the other posters on here do as well. I am in no way rooting for failure.

 

[LadyBlue]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Amc, I agree that it can be to many possibilities. He could not be ready to get married and that's why he did not proposed to her and the why she has not a ring yet. Or it could be that he does love her, but since they live together and own a home together, and they are not getting married until 2012, he does not feel the hurry to get her a ring right now, when he does not have enough money for the ring he wants for her. I really don't know b/c I just know what she is saying. But if she is really happy, and he does love her as she said, and if is truth that he was so proud of being engaged that he told his parents. I think implying that he is controlling and does not care about her b/c she has not a ring yet is not the only option here.

I guess my only point was that I have a man that said no when I asked for a small ring, and made me wait a year for the ring. And he did not do it to be controlling, or to no listen to me feelings, he did it b/c he knew that after I got the ring, the wait would had been worthy. And it was.

 

[purselover]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Thank you for all your posts, it's definitely helping me understanding better how I feel!

I've come to realize that I'm growing impatient because the more I think about it the more I wonder if it makes sense to spend so much in a ring when something much cheaper would have made me happy at the time. So it kind of makes me feel bad to think that he's doing his best to satisfy me when he could have achieved the same result more easily...

I'm feeling more and more uneasy at the thought of what he intends to spend and I would like this to come to an end so I can think of something else

And I swear I tried several time but couldn't find a way to convince him that I didn't need such an expensive ring..! I showed him several rings around 5000-6000$ but he didn't like any of them.

Maybe it's time for me to start thinking of something else and let him do as he wish. I've told that I would be happy whatever ring he would buy, there's nothing more I can do !

Instead, I think I'm going to focus on preparing our next holidays

Here's the thing though - it doesn't seem like he's doing his best to satisfy you. You've made it clear you'd be happy with a less expensive ring and have shown him ones that interested you. He however won't budge on what HE wants despite your feelings. It seems like the only person he's trying to make happy is himself.

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

HI:

The ring/cost/cost of the ring (all the variables) is an excuse.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

My one concern for you is this: he's not listening to what you want.

I understand where you are coming from because when my husband and I were choosing the ring (and he was a serious commitmentphobe, so this was truly a task), he wanted something bigger and more expensive and I wanted something smaller and less expensive. We talked about our goals for the money he had in savings and he realized that if we were really going to be true partners in life, then I should have a voice when it came to my ring. We did compromise and met somewhere in the middle and it was a win/win situation. I got a ring I loved, which made him happy, and I spent much less than he'd originally budgeted, which left more in savings for the things I cared about more, which made me happy.

Maybe if you did talk to him about WHY you would prefer a smaller ring he would hear you out. You should have an equal voice in this relationship if he really wants to start this marriage on the right foot. A budget should be agreed to by BOTH of you.

 

[FuturePsyD]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I wanted to response about the ring situation. My now DH proposed to me without a ring on March 2008, he promised to get me a ring on Jul-Ago 2008 before the wedding on November 2008. Things got complicated, we had to spend a lot of money for the wedding and he was not able to buy me a ring. I did not care for the ring at the moment. But as time go by I started getting impatient. I thought I was going to get it by X-mas. I did not and it was a huge let down. I started growing very impatient. I saw a half a carat marquise ring on craigslist on January. I told him that was the ring I wanted, I told him I did not wanted to wait any longer. He told me no, and to wait for the ring he really wanted to give me. As time go by I grow more and more impatient. Finally on March 2009 I got a 2.25 carat ring, it’s the most beautiful ring I had ever seen, and I don’t regret a single day the year I had to wait for the dream ring. I know she kept saying she will be happy with a cheaper ring, and I’m sure her BF wants to wait until he gets the money, not to be mean or to be controlling. But to give her a ring he is going to be proud of, and she will love without compromising quality just b/c she is getting anxious about the ring, when he knows the waiting is worthy.

Therein lies the BIG difference between your situation and that of the OPs.

Your husband proposed TO YOU, ring or not. She proposed TO HIM. So when he is argumentative about a ring, it raises red flags as to his true intentions and whether it really has to do with finances...or not.

 

[suchende]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

saw this and thought of you, frenchcut. http://www.doverjewelry.com/catalog/engagement_rings/cartier_155cts_diamond_platinum_engagement_ring.html

cartier, gorgeous, economical... and did i mention gorgeous?

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

saw this and thought of you, frenchcut. http://www.doverjewelry.com/catalog/engagement_rings/cartier_155cts_diamond_platinum_engagement_ring.html

cartier, gorgeous, economical... and did i mention gorgeous?

Wow that's pretty!

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

saw this and thought of you, frenchcut. http://www.doverjewelry.com/catalog/engagement_rings/cartier_155cts_diamond_platinum_engagement_ring.html

cartier, gorgeous, economical... and did i mention gorgeous?

I would love that ring But I know my BF well enough to be able to say that he’ll never agree on buying a used engagement ring...

By the way, he was very proud last Thursday to show me that he had saved a lot in January for my ring. I reminded him that it was no emergency but he told me that he would soon be ready to pull the trigger.

And on Friday evening he asked me if I had contacted the hotel where we plan to have our wedding celebrated…we had a brief discussion about the budget and he sounded very confident that he would have enough to pay his share and said again that first he had to buy me a ring!

Now it’s wait and see, as long as he’s happy with what he gets me (and when he gets it) I’ll he happy. I don’t want to worry anymore on a ring when I should enjoy every single day I share with the man I’m about to marry

 

[should i be here]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

well sounds like it's all coming together! update us when everything happens!

 

[suchende]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

saw this and thought of you, frenchcut. http://www.doverjewelry.com/catalog/engagement_rings/cartier_155cts_diamond_platinum_engagement_ring.html

cartier, gorgeous, economical... and did i mention gorgeous?

I would love that ring But I know my BF well enough to be able to say that he’ll never agree on buying a used engagement ring...

By the way, he was very proud last Thursday to show me that he had saved a lot in January for my ring. I reminded him that it was no emergency but he told me that he would soon be ready to pull the trigger.

And on Friday evening he asked me if I had contacted the hotel where we plan to have our wedding celebrated…we had a brief discussion about the budget and he sounded very confident that he would have enough to pay his share and said again that first he had to buy me a ring!

Now it’s wait and see, as long as he’s happy with what he gets me (and when he gets it) I’ll he happy. I don’t want to worry anymore on a ring when I should enjoy every single day I share with the man I’m about to marry

used? goodness no dear, it's vintage. with quality-tested prongs.

best of luck, it sounds like he's got it under control.

 

[RobertaB]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I like unconventional proposals too but it's just never a good idea to steal the man's thunder when it comes to getting married. Proposing and then paying for a celebration trip is the man's department. I hope you will totally back off on the ring and let him have that pleasure all on his own. If he truly wants to marry you, (and I bet he does!), he will ask you. Until then, I'd stop planning the wedding and let him present you with a dream ring. Stop trying to convince him to spend less or do this or do that. You've done more than enough and now it's his turn. Let him enjoy being your prince charming. You won't regret it.

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I hope you will totally back off on the ring and let him have that pleasure all on his own. If he truly wants to marry you, (and I bet he does!), he will ask you. Until then, I'd stop planning the wedding and let him present you with a dream ring. Stop trying to convince him to spend less or do this or do that. You've done more than enough and now it's his turn. Let him enjoy being your prince charming. You won't regret it.

That's exactly what I intend to do! There's no need to rush things with the wedding and I will give him the time he needs to make things his own way...I think it's important that he "feels in charge" as it's usually me who shows the way (that's part of what he likes with me, he usually doesn't like making decisions ).

 

[nkarma]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Thank you for all your posts, it's definitely helping me understanding better how I feel!

I've come to realize that I'm growing impatient because the more I think about it the more I wonder if it makes sense to spend so much in a ring when something much cheaper would have made me happy at the time. So it kind of makes me feel bad to think that he's doing his best to satisfy me when he could have achieved the same result more easily...

I'm feeling more and more uneasy at the thought of what he intends to spend and I would like this to come to an end so I can think of something else

And I swear I tried several time but couldn't find a way to convince him that I didn't need such an expensive ring..! I showed him several rings around 5000-6000$ but he didn't like any of them.

Maybe it's time for me to start thinking of something else and let him do as he wish. I've told that I would be happy whatever ring he would buy, there's nothing more I can do !

Instead, I think I'm going to focus on preparing our next holidays

I love that you proposed to him btw! Have you discussed your concerns about wanting to spend less? I read all your posts and it seems that you have MANY times and he just blows it off as if it is all his decision. When you get married in 2012, what is in his savings and your savings account will be both of yours. If getting married was both of your decision, why can't how much you spend on the ring be. You say you showed him less expensive rings but HE (the person who is paying for it but definitely not wearing it) didn't like it. Something isn't sitting right in my gut with your many posts about how the ring is completely his decision and when you give your input, he brushes it off because it doesn't make him happy. It is only a ring, but please extrapolate this to the many many many decisions you two will be making in your married life. Did he get any input on where you went for your engagement vacation or did you get to make all the decisions because you were paying for it and wanted to show off to your friends? Did he get input in where you stayed, what you saw, places you ate at? I don't get how the decisions for this ring given you own a home together and are already engaged are solely his.

Also you say he must get the biggest ring to show off to his family and friends not because it is what he thinks you deserve. Have you thought about what motivates him to always do everything the biggest he can to show off to others?

P.S. I rarely comment on others relationships on here because I obviously don't know you, your relationship, and the complexities of the situation. Yours stood out to me though.

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Hi There,

I'm currently in Thaïland for 2 weeks so it's not easy to connect regularly...

To answer your last post I'm usually the one making all the decisions and that's the way we both like it. I think he finds it important to show me that he's ready to make decisions and that's why I decided to let him deal with it his own way...

I don't mean to babysit him and that's a good opportunity to show him that I am confident on his ability to make the best choice.

I'll let you know once I'm back if he's made any progress

PS: when we bought an appartient 2 years ago he actually told me to choose it...I'm pretty happy that this time he wants to be the one making a choice

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I am happy to read that things are better and you feel better about everything. No one intends or tries to be "mean" and heartless here, it's just that in some circuimstances I think people see red flags or concerns and by expressing that to the poster- instead of being all rainbows and butterflies- they are trying to maybe make you see things that loce blinds you from.

with that said- I think that sometimes guys have an ideal of the image they want to portray. For instance, I have a goregous ring that I am proud to wear (1.55 RB on a shared pring eternity band)- i mentioned to my FI that I would maybe like to get a fake ring similar to mine or a small diamond solitaire to wear on vacation or when I have to go into work in less than nice areas. I thought it was a good idea because if it was ever lost or stolen in those situations, it wasn't my real ring and at the same time my finger wouldn't be naked .... well he HATED that idea- his exact quote was, "I dont want people thinking that is the ring I got you". There was a whole thread on here where we talked about this issue exactly and how guys feel pressure from numerous placed to do the same or better. So although you say you don't mind a smaller or non-designer ring, he may feel internal pressure from his ideals to get you a certaint hing.

WITH THAT SAID- this is a marriage where you need to be able to compromise, express openly your feelings, and negotiate and come to agreements. He shouldn't discount what YOU want at the same time- so maybe a compromise- the size stone he wants to get you but not a "designer" label- or the designer label but the smaller stone you said you wanted. you get the idea. if you do get your ring in the next 6 weeks or so- then GREAT! If not and you are questioning things or upset- then express the importance for compromise and being a team.

best of luck.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

I am happy to read that things are better and you feel better about everything. No one intends or tries to be "mean" and heartless here, it's just that in some circuimstances I think people see red flags or concerns and by expressing that to the poster- instead of being all rainbows and butterflies- they are trying to maybe make you see things that loce blinds you from.

with that said- I think that sometimes guys have an ideal of the image they want to portray. For instance, I have a goregous ring that I am proud to wear (1.55 RB on a shared pring eternity band)- i mentioned to my FI that I would maybe like to get a fake ring similar to mine or a small diamond solitaire to wear on vacation or when I have to go into work in less than nice areas. I thought it was a good idea because if it was ever lost or stolen in those situations, it wasn't my real ring and at the same time my finger wouldn't be naked .... well he HATED that idea- his exact quote was, "I dont want people thinking that is the ring I got you". There was a whole thread on here where we talked about this issue exactly and how guys feel pressure from numerous placed to do the same or better. So although you say you don't mind a smaller or non-designer ring, he may feel internal pressure from his ideals to get you a certaint hing.

WITH THAT SAID- this is a marriage where you need to be able to compromise, express openly your feelings, and negotiate and come to agreements. He shouldn't discount what YOU want at the same time- so maybe a compromise- the size stone he wants to get you but not a "designer" label- or the designer label but the smaller stone you said you wanted. you get the idea. if you do get your ring in the next 6 weeks or so- then GREAT! If not and you are questioning things or upset- then express the importance for compromise and being a team.

best of luck.

AB (and others who've taken the time to post on this thread)--fantastic words of advice.

To the OP: I truly hope that things work out for you and that your fiance holds true to his word and that you both are satisfied and happy with whatever outcome may be.

 

[ElizabethR]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Hi FC, (Note: This is advice for if it doesn't happen on Valentine's Day)

You have been together for six years. In many courts that constitutes a common-law marriage.
So in essence you have been married for six years. You should be able to have an open and heart-
felt conversation about what you want and he should be able to do the same. Tell him you want
your ring and you want it now! You proposed and you blessed your betrothal with a very special gift.
He has not held to his part of the betrothal. Be as bold as you were when you proposed and let
him know you are not willing to wait any longer for him to produce his betrothal token. Tell him
it's NOT about what outsiders think of his wealth (expensive ring) but about the promise he made.

this is just another opinion from an older married lady

 

[Frenchcut]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Hello everyone,

Just back from two weeks in Thailand...it's now time for an update!

My BF was kind of proud to announce on Valentine's day that he would be able to buy me a ring in 2-3 weeks...

He's only waiting for a reimbursement of professional expense and he'll be ready to pull the trigger

 

[mary poppins]

Re: Why does it take so looong for a ring ! Should I feel ba

Welcome back! That's a great development. I hope his reimbursement check arrives soon.