When you have lost trust and respect, what''s left?

[Nomsdeplume]

Thanks for the kind words and support. It means a lot.

I know I deserve better and I would be stupid to stay. I put EVERYTHING into this relationship and I feel that he hasn''t shown me that he loves me, or even really likes me that much recently.
A big part of me is just waiting til I''ve finished my exams (I''m doing a really important course which kind of determines the rest of my career) and then when he slips back into his old ways (I honestly think it might be a matter of when, not if) I will end it without causing extra stress during my exams. I don''t care if that''s selfish. He has been selfish and hurtful, so I can do this on my terms for a change. Time to put myself first.
I think the big problem regarding me not noticing a lot of this stuff was the fact that I didn''t ever spend a lot of time with him. In a relationship when you are not physically with the person a lot, it makes it harder to pick up on red flags, and makes it easier for the other person to hide it. He never used to avoid being affectionate, never used to pick his friends for holidays over me or not try to sort out arguments. I know a lot of the issues were there all along, I''m not stupid. He just never used to treat me like a piece of crap that didn''t matter. THAT''s the change I''m referring to. Just to clarify.

And if he does make a long-term change, could I marry him without wondering what the next addiction will be (prostitutes? ****? cocaine? heroin?)? Honestly, no.
Do you think it''s a good idea to make him do a drug test in a few weeks time? Then if it''s positive, I can just walk away knowing that I''ve tried.

This whole situation made me so so sad, and broke my heart. But now I''m just dead inside. I feel like a zombie. I just feel no emotion in any situation.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm so sorry, Kribbie. I definitely understand that feeling of knowing it's coming to an end, but wanting to plan it around other life events. And also that feeling of being "done". I really think women do a better job of internalizing the end of a relationship so that when it actually happens, it just feels like a weight is lifted. I notice that men don't really get it until the woman is gone. I think this is why some women get sucked back in. Ugh, all of it just sucks. Not that it won't get better, but right now it sucks, I'm sure.

I probably wouldn't bother with the drug test unless you need to do it for yourself. You know that you've tried and you know that up to this point, he's prioritized drugs and gambling over your relationship. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that this all goes as smoothly as possible for you.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Oops, double post.

 

[Sizzle]

Date: 10/19/2009 1:01:55 PM
Author: kribbie
Thanks for the kind words and support. It means a lot.

I know I deserve better and I would be stupid to stay. I put EVERYTHING into this relationship and I feel that he hasn''t shown me that he loves me, or even really likes me that much recently.
A big part of me is just waiting til I''ve finished my exams (I''m doing a really important course which kind of determines the rest of my career) and then when he slips back into his old ways (I honestly think it might be a matter of when, not if) I will end it without causing extra stress during my exams. I don''t care if that''s selfish. He has been selfish and hurtful, so I can do this on my terms for a change. Time to put myself first.
I think the big problem regarding me not noticing a lot of this stuff was the fact that I didn''t ever spend a lot of time with him. In a relationship when you are not physically with the person a lot, it makes it harder to pick up on red flags, and makes it easier for the other person to hide it. He never used to avoid being affectionate, never used to pick his friends for holidays over me or not try to sort out arguments. I know a lot of the issues were there all along, I''m not stupid. He just never used to treat me like a piece of crap that didn''t matter. THAT''s the change I''m referring to. Just to clarify.

And if he does make a long-term change, could I marry him without wondering what the next addiction will be (prostitutes? ****? cocaine? heroin?)? Honestly, no.
Do you think it''s a good idea to make him do a drug test in a few weeks time? Then if it''s positive, I can just walk away knowing that I''ve tried.

This whole situation made me so so sad, and broke my heart. But now I''m just dead inside. I feel like a zombie. I just feel no emotion in any situation.

Sweetie I am so sorry you are going through this, but you really need to get out now and cut your losses. IF he''s going to change and all that he can come back to you then.. if you will even want him by then. As long as you keep holding on, you''re putting yourself at risk for more heartache.. not to mention AIDS

 

[katamari]

I wish the best for you, kribbie, but I disagree with you that you should wait until after your exams to end this relationship. It is not helping you at all to be in this relationship and I would argue it is probably taking mental energy you could use for your exams. You need all your mental energy focusing on your career right now, and I think it will make you feel more empowered and successful to know that you had the power to walk away from someone bringing you so much unhappiness. Best luck to you!

 

[monarch64]

Kribbie, sorry to hear about what you''ve been through with this guy. He isn''t worthy of your attention. I''m one of those "stupid women" as TG so eloquently put it, who ended up married to a man just like that--the pot, the financial issues, the fact that I wasn''t top priority to him, etc. I left the marriage summer before last because as I''m sure you can imagine, things did not end well. He never changed. I don''t hold much hope at all for your guy, I''m sorry. I think you''re better off cutting your losses now and moving on rather than sticking around and letting him suck the life out of you any longer.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/19/2009 1:57:43 PM
Author: monarch64
Kribbie, sorry to hear about what you''ve been through with this guy. He isn''t worthy of your attention. I''m one of those ''stupid women'' as TG so eloquently put it, who ended up married to a man just like that--the pot, the financial issues, the fact that I wasn''t top priority to him, etc. I left the marriage summer before last because as I''m sure you can imagine, things did not end well. He never changed. I don''t hold much hope at all for your guy, I''m sorry. I think you''re better off cutting your losses now and moving on rather than sticking around and letting him suck the life out of you any longer.

Well, the nice part is if you get out and survive, you ALWAYS come back wiser.

Wisdom is gained from life experience. It can also be gained from observing others. If you can manage to learn a thing or two by method of the latter, it can save you a lot of heartache.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/19/2009 1:33:06 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I''m so sorry, Kribbie. I definitely understand that feeling of knowing it''s coming to an end, but wanting to plan it around other life events. And also that feeling of being ''done''. I really think women do a better job of internalizing the end of a relationship so that when it actually happens, it just feels like a weight is lifted. I notice that men don''t really get it until the woman is gone. I think this is why some women get sucked back in. Ugh, all of it just sucks. Not that it won''t get better, but right now it sucks, I''m sure.

I probably wouldn''t bother with the drug test unless you need to do it for yourself. You know that you''ve tried and you know that up to this point, he''s prioritized drugs and gambling over your relationship. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that this all goes as smoothly as possible for you.

Skip the drug test. If you can''t trust that he isn''t still using them you need to leave.

You deserve so much better than spending your life looking for little signs that he is or isn''t using drugs or anything else.

Don''t wait for your exams. If you want to leave him, do it now. You say that you feel dead inside. Let it end. Let yourself be angry and hurt so you can begin the recovery process.

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t see how staying through exams is better for you. Things are still bad and the troubles you two are having still weigh on your mind, together or apart. I would be through now and focus on things that you have control over, namely your career and exam results. Let him deal with the rest.

 

[tlh]

I agree with Kimberly. End the toxic relationship. Unplug your phone, bury yourself into your studies when you have an actual distraction from your heatache - and then focus on your schooling 100%. Don''t meet with him, don''t talk with him... it is over. He now has to PROVE himself to you. You''ve done enough talking already. If it is meant to be, it is time for him to act, and honestly- the only thing he is showing you, is that what matters to you, doesn''t matter to him. He is putting stock into himself. You should do the same.

Hugs.

 

[dragonfly411]

Kribble - it sounds to me like trust is over. I would skip the drug test and leave. I don''t think it is going to be worth it for you. I don''t think he''ll stop completely, either the drugs or the poker. He is an addict... there will always be an addiction to something. I''m sorry you are going through this, but I just don''t think you''ll be happy if you stay. And seeing each other every day once you are married? please.

 

[purelily]

Hi Kribbie I'm hesitant to say this, but I would leave the relationship. I've had past experience in this, and addictions, though they can change, usually rear their ugly head again and again.

 

[AustenNut]

Date: 10/18/2009 1:18:54 PM
Author:kribbie
One of the issues that I''ve had a problem with since almost the beginning is that when he is available and at home, he''s often ''too tired'' to see me, or he has plans with his friends... etc etc. I did speak to him a few times but he always said that once we are married we will see each other almost every day and that it''s not an issue.

I also had a huge issue with the way he dealt with money.

Otherwise he always treated me really well and I knew he loved me.

He refused point blank to stop smoking weed, finally admitting to how often he did it and that that''s why he doesn''t see me when he is here.

I don''t trust the whole situation and I''m so hurt by the way he handled it.

If it was only one of these red flags, then I could understand trying to work it out. Or if you wanted to sort out the addiction into two separate things (weed & poker), then maybe two red flags. But he''s been treating you like garbage lately, and even during the heyday of your relationship he never made you enough of a priority where he was actually trying to see you. I understand the inclination to try and work things out, really I do. But this does not sound like a guy that you want to commit your life to.

I know people handle breakups differently, so only you can say whether or not postponing the breakup will be helpful for you or not. Just make sure that if you do delay it that you remain strong and don''t take him back, because his prospects really don''t look good.

Also, I think you may want to see if there''s a group like Al-anon but for drugs or poker. Al-anon is a group for people who have been affected by others'' drinking, and I can''t imaging there aren''t similar groups for other addictions.

 

[AprilBaby]

Please, Kribbie, walk away NOW. Gambling can ruin many lives. Pot addiction makes it worse. You deserve better NOW.

 

[supergirl10]

Oh im so sorry sweetie. It sounds like the last thing in the world that you need to deal with right now. I understand because i am like 10 days off graduation and I also have a lot of personal things going on in my life such as death of family memebers etc and it can be very difficult to concentrate during all that stuff. Best wishes for your exam etc and your future career.

I just want to reiterate what everyone else has said, you sound like a lovely caring person and you totally deserve better than this. He seems to have multiple addictions and I honestly don''t see it getting better until he admits he has a problem and seeks help.

Also this is a horrible horrible thing for me to say but I certainly think you need to consider it. Addication can lead to all sort of problems etc such as the onces you have already listed. I have worked in mental health on and off and I know that a great deal of the patients I work with have drug induced schizophrenia from smoking weed. Not always, but a lot of the time

And now to my horrible bit ... there is some evidence to suggest that addiction has some genetic componets. There is a possibility that if you marry this man and you do have children that they may end up suffering from the same addiction problems as he does. I hope i don''t get a lot of hate from this but I think its something you need to consider.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Hi Kribbie. Wow, you got an overwhelming number of replies to this. From what you have said in this thread, I agree with so many others here who say you need to get away from such a bad situation. I''ve not been in your exact situation, but I do know that it sucks when you want to try to make things work and your BF doesn''t seem to care. I hope you don''t think any of this is your fault. It doesn''t sound like he is willing to change anything to do his part for this relationship, and I think you already know that. I hope you break up with him, and soon, instead of stretching it out to see if he changes. Like you already said, your trust is gone. How can you be happy in a relationship with no trust?

We''re here for you, and we all know you deserve much better than how this guy has been treating you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/19/2009 1:12:23 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Oh, and PS, the ''guy you fell in love with'' is a mirage. THIS is the guy you are going to have to LOVE. Falling in love is ALWAYS the easy part. As for the the way he is now...a candy coating doesn''t change the fact that the apple is still rotten.

+1 x 100000= Me and my thoughts.

 

[iheartscience]

Add me to the list of people telling you to DTMFA. (Dan Savage fans will know what that means, but if you''re not a Dan Savage fan, it stands for Dump The *Beep* *Boop* Already). Every pothead I''ve ever known is still a huge pothead to this day. Throw in the gambling addiction and that''s yet another great reason to DTMFA. If I were you, I wouldn''t wait, but you need to do what''s best for you. Best of luck to you.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m sorry you''re being treated horribly. I agree that you need to dump the loser and focus on your studies. You sound like a strong person and I can see that you''ll get past this.

 

[purselover]

Oh hon I''m so sorry your going through all this. It''s clear that all trust is gone and if you can''t have honesty and trust what do you have? He''s lied to you about his pot habit, his gambling, and who knows what else. For all you know he''s hiding more and that''s not a chance you should be willing to take. A relationship takes two people and right now you''re the only one trying, it just can''t work out like that I would seriously consider moving on.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Bring up the idea of the drug test. I bet his reaction will be your answer. No need to waste the money.

By the way, the point of a relationship is to enjoy spending time with someone. If he''s not into that, I think you have the answer to your question.

Hang in there. I promise that you''ll feel so much better a month after he''s gone. Cut him off--no trying to be "friends"--for one month and spend the time on yourself doing things you want to do and need to do. Then take it a day at a time.

 

[HopeDream]

(((HUGS!)))

( I dated this guy once too)

(((MORE HUGS!!!!!!)))

 

[daleysmom]

Having him drug tested doesn''t do you any good. He''ll think of you as the disciplinarian/authoritarian/nagging mother then, and probably just keep hiding the fact that he''s using. Get rid of him. Look at it this way: the longer you stay, the more you enable his behavior, because as long as he knows you''re still there some part of him will feel like you will still tolerate the behaviors.

 

[radiantquest]

You should get out of that relationship. Many a men will "change" when they think they are losing you. The way I think of it is if he treated you badly, chose his cat over you, plays poker for money instead of handling his responsibilities and would rather be with his friends than with you that is how he truly feels. That is what he chose to do. That is what he wanted. If he couldn''t see that these things were an issuefor a relationship on his own then if you continue in this relationship he will continue to "not know" how to treat/live appropriately. Or he will go back to the way he was, which isn''t unheard of. Men do it all the time. They will change and make you feel good and then go back because the original behavior is their true behavior. I hope with all my heart that I am not right, but I have seen so many fine women like yourself end up with someone that doesn''t make them happy. Wouldn''t it make more sense to cut your losses and find someone else that KNOWS how to treat his girfriend, that is financially resposible so that you can focus on the love instead of fixing him.

As far as the pot goes it is a depressant and could cause many problems in a relationship. The fact that he was doing it everyday was because he wanted to. Pot is not addictive.

It just seems to me that you are trying to turn a frog into prince charming and honestly it isnt worth the work. Find someone who is a better match for you. That is already your prince charming.