Nomsdeplume
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2009
- Messages
- 1,671
I''ve had such drama with my BF lately and I don''t know what to do.
It''s a LONG, long story, I''ll try to shorten it as much as possible, but please read it and give me advice.
I''ve been under a lot of stress lately and it will just get worse til the end of November. I think that might be part of why it all just became too much for me.
My BF has a job that takes him away from home a lot. He''s always travelling, and sometimes it feels like a long distance realtionship. One of the issues that I''ve had a problem with since almost the beginning is that when he is available and at home, he''s often "too tired" to see me, or he has plans with his friends... etc etc. I did speak to him a few times but he always said that once we are married we will see each other almost every day and that it''s not an issue.
I also had a huge issue with the way he dealt with money. He would spend it on stupid things and then be too broke to buy me a nice birthday gift, or even a bed for himself!
Otherwise he always treated me really well and I knew he loved me. We hardly ever fought and if we did, he would want to sort things out straight away.
Another important point to mention is that his friends smoke pot often (one of them even grows his own). Now, you can argue with me about the so-called benefits, and I don''t care because that''s not the point. I have a HUGE problem with drugs because addiction runs in my family and has torn it apart. He knows this. When I spoke to him about it he said he hardly smoked it, maybe once every 2 months or so. I left it at that.
He seemed to change this year. We went on holiday together and it was HELL. He was so unpleasant, because things weren''t going his way. He was upset that we shared a bathroom with our friends. I wanted to go for a hike and he sulked the entire day. He has always been kind of unpleasant in situations where things don''t go his way, but this was over the top. I just wanted to come home.
He started becoming more distant. He started spending more and more time with a particular guy (let''s call him Tom). He started playing poker often. He went through a phase where he wasn''t affectionate at all and would see me even less. I chatted to him about it and he said it was not us, he was depressed. So he went on anti-depressants, but it didn''t get much better. So after this rocky time together, he calls me one night and says "I get to go to a bush resort for 4 days. Want to come?" So I thought this would be a great time to spend some quality alone time together to rekindle the relationship. So I said sure.
5 minutes later he calls back, saying "I screwed this up. I already invited Tom and I didn''t think you would say yes because you would be busy at work. I can''t cancel with him."
I was LIVID. But despite this he still went off with Tom for the 4 days.
Then he started playing poker. At first it was just a social activity, but progressed to online poker. (Keep in mind that he has financial problems). Soon he would cancel evenings with me because he had an online tournament. At one point he showed up at my house with his laptop because he was in the middle of a game and couldn''t stop it. I sat him down and told him he has a problem and it has to stop. So he promised he would stop playing for money.
Just after this talk, my sister (whom I live with) went away for a few days. I asked him to stay with me because I was held up at gunpoint a while ago and I''m still uncomfortable staying by myself. He said no because he would be moving into his new place and he was afraid his cat would run away, so he had to stay with the cat. As an animal lover I tried to be understanding.
About a day later (3 weeks ago), he calls me to tell me he''s going out with Tom to play in a poker tournament, for money. That same night a mutual friend tells me he basically sits at home and smokes pot with Tom almost every night (now the old line of being too tired to see me starts to make sense). I lost it.
I told him everything I had an issue with, and that if things didn''t change and he didn''t start treating me better I would walk away. I said I didn''t want to see him for a week. He didn''t call, didn''t show up (like the guy I fell in love with would have), he just said maybe a break would be good for us.
A week later he came over and I chatted seriously about the weed, poker, the way he has been treating me, etc. I was in tears, telling him that he has to give it up and change or it would be over.
He refused point blank to stop smoking weed, finally admitting to how often he did it and that that''s why he doesn''t see me when he is here.. I told him there were two possibilities:
a) He doesn''t care enough about me, or respect and love me enough to give up something that is coming between us.
b) He''s an addict and he can''t stop.
He still refused. So I broke up with him. Only THEN did he start crying and told me he would stop smoking it and that he would treat me better. So eventually I agreed to give him a chance. But I''m so hurt that he had to lose me before he realised I was worth fighting for (if he even realised that).
Now suddenly he is spending more time with me, being affectionate, meeting with a financial advisor and promising that he isn''t smoking pot anymore. But how long can it last? I feel like this was way too easy and too good to be true. I don''t trust the whole situation and I''m so hurt by the way he handled it.
I don''t know what to do and how to move forward. HELP!
It''s a LONG, long story, I''ll try to shorten it as much as possible, but please read it and give me advice.
I''ve been under a lot of stress lately and it will just get worse til the end of November. I think that might be part of why it all just became too much for me.
My BF has a job that takes him away from home a lot. He''s always travelling, and sometimes it feels like a long distance realtionship. One of the issues that I''ve had a problem with since almost the beginning is that when he is available and at home, he''s often "too tired" to see me, or he has plans with his friends... etc etc. I did speak to him a few times but he always said that once we are married we will see each other almost every day and that it''s not an issue.
I also had a huge issue with the way he dealt with money. He would spend it on stupid things and then be too broke to buy me a nice birthday gift, or even a bed for himself!
Otherwise he always treated me really well and I knew he loved me. We hardly ever fought and if we did, he would want to sort things out straight away.
Another important point to mention is that his friends smoke pot often (one of them even grows his own). Now, you can argue with me about the so-called benefits, and I don''t care because that''s not the point. I have a HUGE problem with drugs because addiction runs in my family and has torn it apart. He knows this. When I spoke to him about it he said he hardly smoked it, maybe once every 2 months or so. I left it at that.
He seemed to change this year. We went on holiday together and it was HELL. He was so unpleasant, because things weren''t going his way. He was upset that we shared a bathroom with our friends. I wanted to go for a hike and he sulked the entire day. He has always been kind of unpleasant in situations where things don''t go his way, but this was over the top. I just wanted to come home.
He started becoming more distant. He started spending more and more time with a particular guy (let''s call him Tom). He started playing poker often. He went through a phase where he wasn''t affectionate at all and would see me even less. I chatted to him about it and he said it was not us, he was depressed. So he went on anti-depressants, but it didn''t get much better. So after this rocky time together, he calls me one night and says "I get to go to a bush resort for 4 days. Want to come?" So I thought this would be a great time to spend some quality alone time together to rekindle the relationship. So I said sure.
5 minutes later he calls back, saying "I screwed this up. I already invited Tom and I didn''t think you would say yes because you would be busy at work. I can''t cancel with him."
I was LIVID. But despite this he still went off with Tom for the 4 days.
Then he started playing poker. At first it was just a social activity, but progressed to online poker. (Keep in mind that he has financial problems). Soon he would cancel evenings with me because he had an online tournament. At one point he showed up at my house with his laptop because he was in the middle of a game and couldn''t stop it. I sat him down and told him he has a problem and it has to stop. So he promised he would stop playing for money.
Just after this talk, my sister (whom I live with) went away for a few days. I asked him to stay with me because I was held up at gunpoint a while ago and I''m still uncomfortable staying by myself. He said no because he would be moving into his new place and he was afraid his cat would run away, so he had to stay with the cat. As an animal lover I tried to be understanding.
About a day later (3 weeks ago), he calls me to tell me he''s going out with Tom to play in a poker tournament, for money. That same night a mutual friend tells me he basically sits at home and smokes pot with Tom almost every night (now the old line of being too tired to see me starts to make sense). I lost it.
I told him everything I had an issue with, and that if things didn''t change and he didn''t start treating me better I would walk away. I said I didn''t want to see him for a week. He didn''t call, didn''t show up (like the guy I fell in love with would have), he just said maybe a break would be good for us.
A week later he came over and I chatted seriously about the weed, poker, the way he has been treating me, etc. I was in tears, telling him that he has to give it up and change or it would be over.
He refused point blank to stop smoking weed, finally admitting to how often he did it and that that''s why he doesn''t see me when he is here.. I told him there were two possibilities:
a) He doesn''t care enough about me, or respect and love me enough to give up something that is coming between us.
b) He''s an addict and he can''t stop.
He still refused. So I broke up with him. Only THEN did he start crying and told me he would stop smoking it and that he would treat me better. So eventually I agreed to give him a chance. But I''m so hurt that he had to lose me before he realised I was worth fighting for (if he even realised that).
Now suddenly he is spending more time with me, being affectionate, meeting with a financial advisor and promising that he isn''t smoking pot anymore. But how long can it last? I feel like this was way too easy and too good to be true. I don''t trust the whole situation and I''m so hurt by the way he handled it.
I don''t know what to do and how to move forward. HELP!
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