Wedding When you give money as a wedding gift...

[musey]

Date: 9/29/2008 2:01:37 PM
Author: Lill_The_Thrill
This is all cultural differences I guess, and maybe saying it was tacky was wrong of me, but then again, I've read many times on here people stating that it's tacky to wish for monetary gifts (I'm not saying it justifies what I said, cause I said it aswell). My point is that no one raises an eyebrow eventhough it's insulting to those who do wish for monetary gifts for their wedding, probably because itäs not the norm in the US, so it's more ok to call it tacky, rather than saying that a wishlist/registry is tacky.

I'm sure it's a very cultural/regional/personal thing, but I'd never think a preference for monetary gifts is tacky, and I've very rarely seen anyone suggest that on here. It's the unsolicited suggestion or insinuation that a guest is "supposed to" give any type of gift that is "tacky." I've most often seen dissent against monetary gifts in threads saying "We want cash, can we say so in our invitations?" So, that extends to registry cards as well.

Generally speaking (not my opinion, just what I've observed/been told on here and elsewhere):

Tacky
Putting any mention in a wedding invitation of gifts (including "the couple prefers monetary gifts", "the couple is registered at __________" AND, somewhat surprisingly, "no gifts, please.") It's the volunteering of this information, unsolicited, that makes it "rude."

Not Tacky
Telling people when asked "The couple is registered at X, Y and Z" or "The couple is saving for X, Y and Z so monetary gifts are preferred" (though this is borderline, it has to be worded and delivered carefully--and again, only when asked).

 

[Lill_The_Thrill]

Date: 9/29/2008 2:09:40 PM
Author: neatfreak
Lill: Just to clarify, it''s considered tacky in the US to ASK on the invite for cash gifts (i.e., at the bottom write ''We prefer monetary gifts''). It''s not tacky to prefer or wish for cash gifts. There''s a distinction IMO.

I agree, and that''s what I meant, maybe I wasn''t being clear enough.

 

[Lill_The_Thrill]

Date: 9/29/2008 2:13:27 PM
Author: musey

Date: 9/29/2008 2:01:37 PM
Author: Lill_The_Thrill
This is all cultural differences I guess, and maybe saying it was tacky was wrong of me, but then again, I've read many times on here people stating that it's tacky to wish for monetary gifts (I'm not saying it justifies what I said, cause I said it aswell). My point is that no one raises an eyebrow eventhough it's insulting to those who do wish for monetary gifts for their wedding, probably because itäs not the norm in the US, so it's more ok to call it tacky, rather than saying that a wishlist/registry is tacky.

I'm sure it's a very cultural/regional/personal thing, but I'd never think a preference for monetary gifts is tacky, and I've very rarely seen anyone suggest that on here. It's the mention or insinuation that a guest is 'supposed to' give any type of gift that is 'tacky.' I've most often seen dissent against monetary gifts in threads saying 'We want cash, can we say so in our invitations?' So, that extends to registry cards as well.

Generally speaking (not my opinion, just what I've observed/been told on here and elsewhere):

Tacky
Putting any mention in a wedding invitation of gifts (including 'the couple prefers monetary gifts', 'the couple is registered at __________' AND, somewhat surprisingly, 'no gifts, please.') It's the volunteering of this information, unsolicited, that makes it 'rude.'

Not Tacky
Telling people when asked 'The couple is registered at X, Y and Z' or 'The couple is saving for X, Y and Z so monetary gifts are preferred' (though this is borderline, it has to be worded and delivered carefully--and again, only when asked).

Okey, thanks! that cleared up A LOT of things for me. Because I thought the registry list/wishlist was included or a link to it was automatically included on the invite. FYI I would prefer monetary gifts...but I would NEVER state it on my invites.

But in that case I totally agree with you on what's tacky and what's not. So disregard my first post in this thread.

 

[musey]

Date: 9/29/2008 2:06:40 PM
Author: sna77

Date: 9/29/2008 1:33:08 PM
Author: musey
After 4500+ posts here, I think I'm aware of thread evolution (threadjacks?) on a forum. I simply don't think that it's fair support for the debate to say 'the op asked about gifts.' You can say that you thought it was relevant to the question (though it isn't, really), or that it was a personal tangent, etc., but not that it that subject was sought out, or that it was on-topic. On-topic lasted until your first post.

I firmly believe that if someone asks a very specific question, posters should make an effort to stick to that topic. If it inspires another conversation, start a new thread. Obviously not everyone thinks that that is necessary, but that's what I try to do in my own posting. Debates like this have occurred over and over AND OVER on this forum, it's nothing new, so re-hashing it is not exactly productive--and certainly not helpful to whomever the topic starter is (me, in this case).

None of that is to say that people can't threadjack/tangent/evolve all they want, but it's certainly fair for me to pop back in to clarify what my question was--and wasn't.

We'll have to agree to disagree on the 'purpose' of forums... What you consider a threadjack, I consider the natural flow of conversation... Starting constant new threads jumbles and confuses topics IMHO... I look at threads as a discussion--imagine a group of people sitting at a table having coffee and talking... The natural flow of conversation will evolve naturally... My first response answered the initial question posted... Other's responded to that response, which led to the thread 'jack,' (although I disagree that the thread was jacked)... perpahs i mispoke with 'the original poster asked about gifts,' comment, but I do defend the rest of my responses as appropriate and relevant to this thread...

No, you answered the question "when do you give money as a wedding gift?" (as "always"), which was never asked. The question was "when you give money as a wedding gift, what do you expect/desire it to be used for?"

If the original question had been "when do you give money as a wedding gift?" then the rest of your responses would have been appropriate and relevant. However, when the question is "When you give money as a wedding gift, what do you expect/desire it to be used for?", discussion on whether or not money is the "best" gift, while interesting in itself, is completely irrelevant and unhelpful. I cannot comprehend how it could be--that's like saying a tangent on hybrid vs. standard SUV performance is relevant to a question about SUV transmission service costs. It's under the general umbrella topic of SUVs (gifts), but has next to nothing to do with the specific question asked.

Also, I never stated what I believe the "purpose" of a forum to be (only what I personally try to achieve in my own replies), so there's nothing for you to agree OR disagree with, on that specific question. I merely stated that (and why) I had the right to step back in and attempt to steer the thread back onto the intended topic.


ETA: Have you ever noticed that, quite often, the original poster stops posting once the thread has started off-topic? They post looking for help/opinions, and once it goes off-topic it's not helping them anymore. Once it stops being helpful to the OP, that's when it's become a "threadjack," in my mind. Certainly people have the "right" to post whatever they want, but why not be helpful instead of counter-productive?

 

[priscillap]

I usually just lurk... but I just wanted to say that I usually like to think that the bride and groom spend my monetary gift on something they wouldn't normally buy (ie. not bills or rent). It's their so they can use it for whatever they want, but it's just a little sad to think that the money would just get absorbed into their regular money.

I also agree that this has gone WAY off topic....... it's appropriate in some threads, that ask a really general question, but when it's specific it makes more sense for the sake of the person who started the thread to keep it on the subject. I don't generally care that much but it sounds like musey does, and it's always good to respect each other, right?

 

[sna77]

Date: 9/29/2008 2:23:21 PM
Author: musey

ETA: Have you ever noticed that, quite often, the original poster stops posting once the thread has started off-topic? They post looking for help/opinions, and once it goes off-topic it''s not helping them anymore. Once it stops being helpful to the OP, that''s when it''s become a ''threadjack,'' in my mind. Certainly people have the ''right'' to post whatever they want, but why not be helpful instead of counter-productive?

With 4,500 posts in 2 years i didn''t think you ever stopped posting...

Just kidding... Sorry for the perceived thread jack... I will crawl back into the male-rock i was hiding under for the past few weeks...

 

[priscillap]

Oh, and musy for what it's worth, my brother got something like $3500 for his wedding (it was huge) and they spent only $300 of it on "stuff", the rest goes into savings. so in the end I'd bet a lot of people do that kind of thing, even though old-fashioned people like me hope it will spoil the couple a bit

 

[musey]

Well, I never said that *I* stop posting for that reason, just that most do.

6 posts per day isn't actually that many, look how many you've racked up in two days on this thread alone

I post "a lot" because I'm planning my wedding almost by myself, with my family across the continent and my FI in a regular 9-7 job. The bridal section of PS has been my primary planning ground. I suspect I won't have much to talk about after this Saturday!

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 9/29/2008 3:32:50 PM
Author: musey
Well, I never said that *I* stop posting for that reason, just that most do.

6 posts per day isn''t actually that many, look how many you''ve racked up in two days on this thread alone

I post ''a lot'' because I''m planning my wedding almost by myself, with my family across the continent and my FI in a regular 9-7 job. The bridal section of PS has been my primary planning ground. I suspect I won''t have much to talk about after this Saturday!

Well I hope that isn''t true!

 

[sna77]

Date: 9/29/2008 3:32:50 PM
Author: musey
I suspect I won''t have much to talk about after this Saturday!

Make sure you come back and post pictures... Everyone would like to see them (seriously)... Are you going on a honeymoon right away? Don''t make us wait too long...

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 9/28/2008 2:03:54 AM
Author: musey


Would anyone be hurt or think it was inappropriate for a couple to simply deposit a wedding gift check into their savings?

I don''t care what peoplt do with any gift I give, and if I give money (which is usually) I wouldn''t care if they put it in saving. My granparents also gave us a nice check for our wedding and it is currently in savings.

 

[musey]

Yep, I'll be gone for 3 weeks following the wedding! It'll probably be at least 2 months before I post any pictures (only anonymous shots) because our photographer requires that you finalize the album before they'll give you the negatives.

 

[sna77]

Date: 9/29/2008 3:46:09 PM
Author: musey
Yep, I''ll be gone for 3 weeks following the wedding! It''ll probably be at least 2 months before I post any pictures (only anonymous shots) because our photographer requires that you finalize the album before they''ll give you the negatives.

hate that.... I had it written into our contract the I get the original RAW images on DVD within 2 months of the wedding... I wanted the ability to print my own pics etc...

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/29/2008 10:38:52 AM
Author: musey

Date: 9/29/2008 10:27:19 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 9/29/2008 8:12:59 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 9/29/2008 8:02:52 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
As for the paying for your ''plate'' that is ALSO something I never think about. We give the same amount if it is a fancy wedding or a casual one. Couples should not have a wedding they cannot afford or expect to profit from it IMHO.

This totally hit the nail on the head for me here Tacori. I don''t like the ''requirement'' of paying for your plate because it does seem that some couples (not saying anyone on here) have big/expensive weddings and then EXPECT guests to pay for their plates. It shouldn''t be the guest''s responsibility to pay for the bride and groom''s fancy wedding. I give based on my relationship with the bride and groom, NOT the expense of the wedding.

Exactly. And any wedding really, fancy or not. I wouldn''t dream of asking guests to give me money should I hold a dinner party at my home, and a wedding/reception is no different.

And frankly, in my very humble opinion, a wedding is not about gifts. It''s about the union of two people, and the people they want there to share it with them. Of course gifts are nice, but they are not the main focus, or at least shouldn''t be. And expecting a gift of a certain kind, is a bit tacky imho.

I completely agree.

As do I, wholeheartedly.

Musey--When I give money as a gift the only thing I hope is that the couple uses it in the way that most pleases them. It is a gift, after all.

 

[tessari]

Okay, maybe I''m a nerd but I like to give money at weddings and I think of the fungible quality of money--so whether the money I give goes to buying toilet paper or a lovely new serving bowl, it has overall increased the couple''s spending ability...

I hope to just get money or registry gifts at my wedding--both my BF and I have very specific tastes and if we have such a hard time finding things we both like how will anyone else be able to find something we like?

We are not even engaged and my dad already bought us an $11,000 pre-wedding present that neither of us likes! Of course we told him we loved it and he is keeping it at his house for us (it''s artwork so not returnable)...a very awkward situation. I can''t help but feel bad. I would rather he waited and saved the money for the wedding or to help us pay for the honeymoon. Knowing our family/parent''s friends I foresee us getting a lot more pricey "artsy" gifts that won''t suit us whether we have a registry or not. uggh.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 9/29/2008 8:31:30 AM
Author: sna77

Date: 9/29/2008 1:03:49 AM
Author: IndyGirl22
I know what you meant sna! When I give money (which is most of the time unless the couple has an easy-to-use online registry at a store they can have gifts shipped directly to them from) I could care less what they spend it on.

I know this isn't on topic to musey's question but I also like to make sure I am covering my place more or less; I feel honored to be there and I figure a lot of people won't be covering their plates since I am in a position to do so I will. I definitely don't think it's a requirement per se, but if I can then I will to try and make up for those who can't!

If you think that gifts off the registry are less appropriate than money, you're entitled to feel that way and I don't think anyone should take it personally themselves. I would imagine most of the recipients of your 'gifts' don't have a problem with it!

I believe that th registry is for shower gifts... Its always been my understanding that you have a registry for engagement parties and bridal showers... Once the shower is over, then you give cash for the wedding itself... Giving gifts that aren't even on the registry that you like and not the bride & groom, are what I feel is inappropriate.

Oh for the love of god. I couldn't even finish the thread (Musey honey, BEST WISHES FOR A BEAUTIFUL DAY).

Seriously people, it's a regional thing. Sna-- there is a world outside of NJ/NY and people don't 'cover their plates', give gifts only at showers, and cash only at weddings. Having lived in NJ/NY I do TOTALLY understand your mindset, but you need to understand that your tone was condescending and that there are other regions, cultures, etc that do things differently. And that it's OKAY that they do things differently. They way you do it is good too. It's all good.

Everyone else... it's a regional thing. Yes his tone was bad at times, but that's his world view-- the prevalent mindset where he lives and was raised/married, and probably his wife's mindset too. Doesn't make it wrong, just different from yours.

Musey, to answer the original question: they could put the money in their pipes and smoke it for all I care. Enjoy your check!

 

[sna77]

Date: 9/29/2008 9:10:22 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 9/29/2008 8:31:30 AM
Author: sna77

Date: 9/29/2008 1:03:49 AM
Author: IndyGirl22
I know what you meant sna! When I give money (which is most of the time unless the couple has an easy-to-use online registry at a store they can have gifts shipped directly to them from) I could care less what they spend it on.

I know this isn't on topic to musey's question but I also like to make sure I am covering my place more or less; I feel honored to be there and I figure a lot of people won't be covering their plates since I am in a position to do so I will. I definitely don't think it's a requirement per se, but if I can then I will to try and make up for those who can't!

If you think that gifts off the registry are less appropriate than money, you're entitled to feel that way and I don't think anyone should take it personally themselves. I would imagine most of the recipients of your 'gifts' don't have a problem with it!

I believe that th registry is for shower gifts... Its always been my understanding that you have a registry for engagement parties and bridal showers... Once the shower is over, then you give cash for the wedding itself... Giving gifts that aren't even on the registry that you like and not the bride & groom, are what I feel is inappropriate.

Oh for the love of god. I couldn't even finish the thread (Musey honey, BEST WISHES FOR A BEAUTIFUL DAY).

Seriously people, it's a regional thing. Sna-- there is a world outside of NJ/NY and people don't 'cover their plates', give gifts only at showers, and cash only at weddings. Having lived in NJ/NY I do TOTALLY understand your mindset, but you need to understand that your tone was condescending and that there are other regions, cultures, etc that do things differently. And that it's OKAY that they do things differently. They way you do it is good too. It's all good.

Everyone else... it's a regional thing. Yes his tone was bad at times, but that's his world view-- the prevalent mindset where he lives and was raised/married, and probably his wife's mindset too. Doesn't make it wrong, just different from yours.

Musey, to answer the original question: they could put the money in their pipes and smoke it for all I care. Enjoy your check!

I stand by the highlighted statement. If a couple has a registry, they've picked gifts they would like. Why you would buy something else is beyond me... My tone was meant to be matter-of-fact, not condensening. Apologies if it came off that way...

But hey, I'll stand out of the BWW forum from now on... I feel as though different opinions aren't welcome here... (I also feel outnumbered in the male / female department too)...

Everyone can go on living and trying not to offend anyone without actually ever having the courage to say what they really think becuase they are worried about offending someone...

 

[musey]

Differing opinions have always been more than welcome around here... it''s the statement of your opinion as fact that gets people all riled up.

If you were to say "I would never give anything but cash, because I think that''s the most useful gift for a young couple," you''d have gotten a much different reaction than you did to your statement "giving anything other than money is inapproproate" (and all the other ways you phrased it). You''re very clearly stating this as fact, instead of simply your opinion or what you like to do.


I personally would never wear pants to a wedding, because I would feel inappropriate. But I would never presume to say "any woman who wears something other than a dress to a wedding is inappropriate." It''s just my own personal opinion/preference that I personally should only wear dresses to weddings, because that is what feels appropriate for me. It doesn''t apply as a blanket statement across the board, though. What''s right for me is not right for everyone else.

I feel as though this is sort of common knowledge of interpersonal relations

maybe it''s a girl thing? Because pretty much all the female posters seem to ''get it''...

 

[sna77]

Date: 9/30/2008 3:37:21 AM
Author: musey
Differing opinions have always been more than welcome around here... it''s the statement of your opinion as fact that gets people all riled up.

If you were to say ''I would never give anything but cash, because I think that''s the most useful gift for a young couple,'' you''d have gotten a much different reaction than you did to your statement ''giving anything other than money is inapproproate'' (and all the other ways you phrased it). You''re very clearly stating this as fact, instead of simply your opinion or what you like to do.


I personally would never wear pants to a wedding, because I would feel inappropriate. But I would never presume to say ''any woman who wears something other than a dress to a wedding is inappropriate.'' It''s just my own personal opinion/preference that I personally should only wear dresses to weddings, because that is what feels appropriate for me. It doesn''t apply as a blanket statement across the board, though. What''s right for me is not right for everyone else.

I feel as though this is sort of common knowledge of interpersonal relations

maybe it''s a girl thing? Because pretty much all the female posters seem to ''get it''...

I thinik that is inappropriate.... just like wearing white to a wedding if you''re not the bride... and would not be afraid to say how I felt. Amd yes, I get that it kight not be true for everyoen... I thought we were mature enough where every statement did not need to be proceeded with "this doesn''t apply to everyone but..." So perhaps it is a girl thing... because I emalied my statement to 6 guy friends )2 live on the West Coast, so not an all a North East US bias) last night and asked if they thought my statement was out-of-line. 4 of them wrote back... 1 called jokingly me the p-word, the other 3 said something along the lines "you''re right, so who the f cares?"

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 9/29/2008 2:13:27 PM
Author: musey

Not Tacky
Telling people when asked ''The couple is registered at X, Y and Z'' or ''The couple is saving for X, Y and Z so monetary gifts are preferred'' (though this is borderline, it has to be worded and delivered carefully--and again, only when asked).

Question for all of you, and I think this is on topic so forgive me if you don''t think it is and just ignore it...if a couple writes "The couple is saving for X, Y, and Z so monetary gifts are preferred," and you find out that the couple did not use that money for X, Y, and Z but instead used it to gamble on a trip to Vegas or bought a big screen TV would you care? I don''t think I would, but I bet some people might feel misled.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 9/30/2008 9:26:02 AM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 9/29/2008 2:13:27 PM

Author: musey



Not Tacky

Telling people when asked ''The couple is registered at X, Y and Z'' or ''The couple is saving for X, Y and Z so monetary gifts are preferred'' (though this is borderline, it has to be worded and delivered carefully--and again, only when asked).

Question for all of you, and I think this is on topic so forgive me if you don''t think it is and just ignore it...if a couple writes ''The couple is saving for X, Y, and Z so monetary gifts are preferred,'' and you find out that the couple did not use that money for X, Y, and Z but instead used it to gamble on a trip to Vegas or bought a big screen TV would you care? I don''t think I would, but I bet some people might feel misled.

Yes the statement should be truthful, but you''d never write it anyway right? This is something that only should be said in conversation IMO.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 9/30/2008 9:31:06 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 9/30/2008 9:26:02 AM
Author: IndyGirl22
Question for all of you, and I think this is on topic so forgive me if you don''t think it is and just ignore it...if a couple writes ''The couple is saving for X, Y, and Z so monetary gifts are preferred,'' and you find out that the couple did not use that money for X, Y, and Z but instead used it to gamble on a trip to Vegas or bought a big screen TV would you care? I don''t think I would, but I bet some people might feel misled.

Yes the statement should be truthful, but you''d never write it anyway right? This is something that only should be said in conversation IMO.

Oops...yeah, I personally would never write OR say that but if someone says that or it is somehow made known that the couple is saving for, let''s say, a house, and the couple changes their mind to use it on something more frivolous, would the gift givers care was my question.

 

[golden]

I am in NJ, Manhattan border and have recently been to a few weddings. For the engagement party we have always given Tiffany Candelabra''s (they were not yet registered, if they were, we''d give from the registry), for the shower, we have given a gift/gifts off the registry, and for the wedding...we have given money. As for the money- obviously no one in required to do anything or to give a certain amount of money, but anyone I know, and I do not think this is a NY or NJ thing....would first off, give what they can afford, but secondly, give an amount to "cover their plate". I pretty much thought that is what everyone did. For instance....if you replied that you are attending a wedding and cannot go, don''t you send cash anyway, since they paid for your plate and you did not attend?

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 9/30/2008 7:53:30 PM
Author: golden
I am in NJ, Manhattan border and have recently been to a few weddings. For the engagement party we have always given Tiffany Candelabra''s (they were not yet registered, if they were, we''d give from the registry), for the shower, we have given a gift/gifts off the registry, and for the wedding...we have given money. As for the money- obviously no one in required to do anything or to give a certain amount of money, but anyone I know, and I do not think this is a NY or NJ thing....would first off, give what they can afford, but secondly, give an amount to ''cover their plate''. I pretty much thought that is what everyone did. For instance....if you replied that you are attending a wedding and cannot go, don''t you send cash anyway, since they paid for your plate and you did not attend?

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/do-you-actually-try-to-follow-the-pay-for-your-plate-guideline.74187/

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/wedding-gift-expectations.64429/

Here old threads should make for interesting reading for you.

If I cannot attend a wedding, I send my timely regrets and whatever gift I think is appropriate. However the couple does NOT have to pay for my plate if I send my regrets in a timely manner, so if I am sending cash, I''m not covering anything. I''m just giviing them a gift. Most caterers do not require a final head count until one to two weeks before the event. So if the invites are sent out 8 weeks before (standard), and the RSVP are returned by the deadline, the bride and groom, techinically should not pay for anyone not coming, unless that person tenders their regrets after the B&G have guaranteed the head count. We had... 4 people cancel on us inside our ''headcount'' window. We paid for them, but not for the other regrets we received. They did send gifts (and yes, from our registry) but they did not ''cover their plates''... and neither may I add did the majority of our guests... some covered their plates and a few people besides... some didn''t even cover their alcohol. It just the way it is.