When will you allow your children to drink alcohol?

[TooPatient]

Date: 11/16/2009 12:41:24 PM
Author: neatfreak
I will let them have a sip whenever they want to taste it and probably a glass of wine with dinner sometime in their late teens. Personally I''d rather them not think it''s this shiny enticing prize they get at age 21 that they need to go nuts with. I lived in Europe for a year in my teens and learned about alcohol there-and I think it''s smart. They drink BEFORE they learn to drive so they know what alcohol can do to you before they are behind the wheel. And while I lived there not ONE of my friends got drunk-IMO because it was never restricted to begin with so there was no need to drink all you can-because they always knew it would be there the next day.

Like anything else putting something off limits usually makes it more appealing.

That being said, I will NEVER allow them to have friends over my house and drink nor will I allow them to drink all they want. I won''t be one of those parents that buys their child and friends alcohol either.

Ditto!
Great post.

 

[steph72276]

Hmmm, interesting question and I don''t really know the answer yet. In my household growing up, my parents weren''t drinkers at all. My mom never has anything, she says she hates how it makes her feel. My dad has a beer or margarita like a couple of times a year maybe. They never came out and forbid me to have it, but it was understood that it wasn''t acceptable as a teen. When I went off to school, of course there was the initial trying out phase, like almost EVERYONE goes through....and the friends I had whose parents allowed alcohol before 21 were mainly the bartenders and the ones urging everyone to try their favorite drink, etc. Most of my friends grew up in the same manor I did and of course we had fun and experimented with alcohol when we first had freedom, but all of us got over it pretty quickly and it isn''t a big part of our lives now. Lots of the guys/gals whose parents did allow it are now in their 30s and still going to the bars every other night and getting wasted

, so I don''t really think introducing it to them early makes it any less appealing. I really think it depends on the individual child.

 

[Cehrabehra]

For the most part, when it is legal for them where they are.

However, I tried to get my daughter to try ONE *drop* of limoncello - and she wouldn''t do it. When you just have one drop all the alcohol does is enhance the flavor of the lemon like a flavored extract and the fruity nectar flavor just explodes in your mouth, this magical harmony with no actual alcohol flavor. But she wouldn''t try it. She''s 15.

I remember drinking champagne at weddings when I was *young* like 7 or 8 or 10 or something like that... but that was the 70''s and things were looser then.

When it comes to teenage drinking I''m torn... I don''t know that I would "allow" it but I''d rather pick them up and drive them home than have them live in fear and make an unwise driving choice.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

You can drink in our house when you''re 21.

When I was growing up, my parents allowed us to have a glass of wine at the holidays, but they didn''t drink during the rest of the year. It''s not that they had anything against it; it was just something that they didn''t do.

I went wild when I went to college and drank myself right out of there. I wasn''t drinking 4-5 nights a week because I thought getting drunk and acting like a total idiot was that much fun. I did it because I was miserable. My parents assumed all along that I would go to college, I wasn''t ready for it, but I also didn''t have the self-esteem to tell them I didn''t want to be there.

SO and I rarely drink. It''s just not something that even occurs to us. I don''t have anything against alcohol and once in a while will get a craving for something (like last year, it was fuzzy navels!), but I don''t think about it very often.

The reason I take a hard line with the kids is because my ex is an alcoholic, so it could be a problem for the kids as they get older. The ex''s father is also an alcoholic, so I feel like I have to balance that out. Both the ex and his dad are unable to demonstrate responsible behavior while drinking.

My oldest son (20) started drinking with his friends in high school. I have always been very clear that if any of them are drinking, they should call me and I will come pick them up instead of having them ride with someone else. My son did that one night and he was sick as a dog. I didn''t even bother yelling at him because he paid the price. I know that he still drinks at times with his friends but he also knows the rule of my house.

No drinking here until you''re 21.

 

[Pandora II]

Daisy can have sips of anything from when she''s old enough to ask - but it will be just a taste.

Once she''s 6 then she can have wine with water at Sunday lunch or special occasions - gradually the amount of water will decrease until she can have a small glass of just wine with meals at around 14. Spirits once she''s over 16.

I''ve yet to meet the British teenager who hasn''t been sloshed on at least one occasion. I think it''s just very acceptable here in a way that it isn''t in France or Italy. I''d like our daughter to see alcohol as something pleasurable with food and company rather than as a forbidden substance that should be drunk as fast as possible round the back of the school bike-sheds.

 

[Mara]

ask me in a few years..lol.

i do agree re: demystifying alcohol to teens. for me i never really had any interest in it and my family never drank at all, not even wine at dinner kind of thing. in our household it''s more normal as Greg is European so his family usually had wine or beer at dinner as the norm. as kids they also got little tiny glasses of beer for special occasions like xmas or new years. i don''t have really strong feelings one way or the other but i think because of alcohol being prevalent in his household and his family trying to not be overly strict about it, that both he and his sis grew up with pretty healthy views on alcohol in general. so if we can emulate that it would be great. i think my parents just got lucky with me not being that interested in alcohol but i know other families who never had it in the house and never really thought to educate the kids and the kids went all crazy in HS or college with drink.

 

[lilyfoot]

Definitely at age 21. Drinking earlier than that is the norm for my culture. Will I let my kids TASTE alcohol? Sure, but not DRINK it. One sip, and that''s it. As I stated in the other thread, I don''t plan on keeping alcohol in the house when we have kids.

I agree that it shouldn''t be a taboo thing, because that makes kids want it more.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think it depends on the kid. My first instinct would be to say 21 unless we are in a country where it was legal at 18 (so basically legal drinking age). My parents are huge into wine and always offered us a small glass (when we were older, especially in college) or a sip when we were younger. It was never a big deal. Alcoholism runs in my DH''s family so that is a big concern for me. But I know a kid will get what they want somehow. So I think education is the most important thing. I plan on being open and honest with my children the negative effects addition can take and have them be aware that it is genetic and there is a chance they won''t be able to control it. If they choose to abuse it on there own, well that is on them. I will not enable my kids. My house is NOT going to be the party house.

 

[steph72276]

Ditto Tacori on educating them the best you can...that and having open lines of communication to where they wouldn't be afraid to call you for a ride if they did make a bad decision as a teen. Other than that, there's not much else you can do. You can raise 2 or more children in the same household with the same set of values, and they will react differently. All you can do is hope your children are safe if they do choose to drink.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Um, when they're 21 unless the drinking age changes? So I guess never? Lol.

ETA: In other words..I won't be allowing them to drink, they'll be able to drink when the law says they can drink.

 

[Kaleigh]

21. I know my kids drank before 21. I''m no dummy. But in my house you have to be of legal age, period.

 

[fieryred33143]

I didn''t read through the responses so this may be a repeat and I hope I don''t offend anyone. If the legal drinking age is still 21 when DD gets older, that is when I will "allow" her to drink. I don''t want to excuseor allow illegal behavior. However I do hope that we establish the kind of relationship where she feels comfortable being honest with me if she does drink at a younger age. And I hope I''m not so crazy that I can understand and talk to her about it.

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, I know this is spliting hairs and I didn''t look this up, but...

Is the legal age for BUYING alcohol? You can legally drink at a much younger age in your own home in many states. In fact, I am not sure that at some bars, it wouldn''t be technical legal to drink, as long as you weren''t buying it underage. Of course, no bar is going to allow that in case of a bust, they can''t prove they didn''t serve it to a minor.

 

[Mara]

I was just thinking the same thing TG... buying alcohol legal age is diff as you noted in CA you can serve in your own home kinda thing.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/16/2009 5:35:34 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, I know this is spliting hairs and I didn''t look this up, but...


Is the legal age for BUYING alcohol? You can legally drink at a much younger age in your own home in many states. In fact, I am not sure that at some bars, it wouldn''t be technical legal to drink, as long as you weren''t buying it underage. Of course, no bar is going to allow that in case of a bust, they can''t prove they didn''t serve it to a minor.

Yep. I was just going to point that out. In many states you can allow your child to drink in your own home (and in WI you can even still buy them a drink at a bar!)

So what will you all who say "legal age" do then? 21 still? Even though legally they can drink it younger in your home?

I''m curious...

 

[Maria D]

I can remember having a bit of wine in my ginger-ale at Sunday dinner as young as seven. My family is Italian (born there, I''m first generation U.S.). This is so funny to me now because, with my own daughter, it''s the *ginger-ale* that only comes out on special occasions! By the time I was 14, I could have a small glass of wine with dinner if I chose to. At that time the drinking age was 18. When I was 17, the drinking age in my state increased by one year each year until it became 21. When I got to college I was shocked at the binge drinking that went on. It never occurred to me to drink like that.

My husband and I have allowed our daughter tastes of alcohol whenever she wished. Up until recently, she didn''t care for much more than a weak mimosa on New Year''s Eve. On our last vacation (she was 15) we let her have a Pina Colada by the pool and champagne at our anniversary dinner. She gets that this was "vacation rules" and doesn''t expect to keep drinking at home -- although I''ll bet she''ll want her champagne undiluted this New Year''s. Maybe I would feel a lot different if I had a kid that wanted to crack open a beer while watching Project Runway every week, but this seems to be working for us.

Personally, I think the 21 year-old drinking age is a farce. We know that most young adults are going to drink before then but turn a somewhat blind eye to it. I would rather have 18 year olds drinking at a bar where a bartender can shut them off than driving out to their family''s lake cabins and throwing wild parties with no adult supervision. This is very common where I live and it scares me.

 

[qtiekiki]

Big ditto on education.
 
In addition to what Tgal, Mara and NF just asked, I want to see what’s your thought is on the following:
 
For those who said no drinking until legal age at the house but know that their kids are drinking underage outside of the home, what makes drinking underage outside of the home ok?  Is it strictly a “my house, my rule” thing? 
 
Not saying that kids won’t drink underage outside of the home if they are allowed to at home, but I would be more comfortable with them drinking in the house where I know what’s going on. 

 

[rainwood]

My experience was much like Pandora''s. Part of my family is French so we were introduced to wine diluted with water at about 12 or so, but only at dinner and only in small amounts. As we got used to the taste, the amount of water decreased but we still only got small amounts. By the time I was in high school, I could appreciate a nice wine as part of the dinner experience and I couldn''t stand the terrible wine cooler stuff my friends would drink at parties. It didn''t mean I never drank, but I was selective and it did teach me the benefits of moderation. I was never one to drink to get drunk, and alcohol wasn''t some mysterious, grown-up thing I was dying to get my hands on. And I didn''t hang out with the ''drink until you pass out'' crowd. That was a good thing and saved me from what could have been a lot of bad decisions. I''m grateful for that.

 

[fieryred33143]

I guess for me I don''t really see a distinction between home and outside of home. If I alow her to drink in our home at 18, for example, I can''t see how effective my argument would be that she isn''t allowed to drink anywhere else. Also, when would she do the drinking? At a family party? I wouldn''t feel right giving her alcohol as a minor even though she''s my daughter. At a party for her friends in my home? Well then I wouldn''t be able to stop her friends from drinking also and I''m certainly not going to put myself in a position where I am responsible for a bunch of minors drinking. Plus, there really is no reason for her to drink at a young age although I do understand that allowing it in your home may lead to more responsible decisions. It can also backfire.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

NF, I remember when I was in high school I knew a guy who''s parents would take him to the bar and buy him drinks (in WI). Even then I thought it was strange. Maybe b/c even as much as I hope my daughter is also my friend I am her parent first. Even if it was legal I would NOT go bar hopping with my 16 year old. I guess I am bound to be an uncool mom. I would never encourage binge drinking so to take my minor child to a bar or buy my kid and their friends a keg, wine, etc just goes against everything I believe. Not that I am saying you would do that at all! I am not directing this at any one poster, just reliving my high school days where some parents wanted to be cool or just didn''t care. Indifference is sad.

 

[fieryred33143]

Also from my POV I was raised around alcoholics. All of my dads side of the family drank/still drink and my grandfather would buy them the alcohol with the argument that if they are drinking in the home they won''t be anywhere else. My dad had a huge drinking problem up until maybe 8 years before he passed. One of my uncles struck and killed an elderly woman while driving drunk in PR and another uncle had severe liver problems (he does not drink anymore). My moms family, on the contrary, were not allowed to drink when they were younger and they still don''t with the exception of a couple of wine coolers (lol).

My brothers drink in college and I''m very aware of it. I''ve asked them to please never drive even if a little buzzed and I hope that they listen (hope lol)

 

[Kaleigh]

I say that because of Liability. If I allowed kids to drink under my roof and they are close to 21 but not 21 and the party gets reported?? I still would be liable and would serve jail time. I am not willing to risk it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I agree with Neatfreak. I think in moderation, in my home, on special occasions will be "acceptable"...but I will never be the "party" house, and will never buy for underaged kids either.

I think that education is so key in confronting the issue and hopefully when that time comes I will be able to educate my children on the "whys" and "why nots"

 

[soocool]

I guess once DD is 21 and an adult she will make her own decisions. As of now she has no desire to drink, smoke, or do drugs. I hope she still feels the same way in the future.

 

[Ara Ann]

I saw a TV report a few years back, not sure which ''news'' program it was featured on, but they stated that ''teaching kids to drink in moderation at home, with parents present does NOT work.''

The study PROVED that even if kids were taught how to drink responsibly, at an early age by their parents, the kids STILL got wasted when on their own while with their peers, i.e. at college, at parties, etc. just as often as kids whose parents didn''t ''teach'' them by allowing them to drink before they were of legal age.

Seems to fly in the face of ''reason'' - it is reasonable to adults to believe kids can ''get it'' by example, but teens are generally not very reasonable when influenced by their peers. something to consider in your approach with your kids and attitudes about alcohol...desensitizing teens to alcohol, by allowing them to have it at home doesn''t seem to be a hard fast rule.


And there was another study out last week about how having high expectations for teens equaled better behavior from teens. If you have high expectations of them, they will not act out as much as kids whose parents have a cavalier "They''re going to do it anyway," - "All kids do it" kind of attitude. Yes, we know as parents, most kids DO try stuff we''d rather they not, however if our attitudes toward undesirable behavior is made known to our children, that we EXPECT good behavior, it does help them make better decisions.

 

[ljmorgan]

My children will be 21 when they can drink alcohol in my home. It was the same way when I was growing up, and I never saw alcohol as some magical treat when I turned 21. My family didn''t drink, and it didn''t really interest me.

 

[packrat]

Sooo..if you let your teen and their friends come over to drink in moderation (which isn''t something I ever learned to do until I was well into my 20''s)..do you call their parents to let them know? There''s a fine line between not being a party house/drinking in moderation and things getting out of hand. It sounds snarky, and I do apologize for that-I just don''t know how to ask w/out sounding snippy. I want to be a cool mom, but..how do you be super cool and be a mom? I suppose everyone has to find their own level of cool momness that works for them and their kids.

I would want to know if my kid was drinking, and I''d be a bit ticked if London had a friend she wanted to visit all the time so she could drink. Even at say 16, my parents are still responsible for me..would they all just spend the night, or would you drive them home? I''d be ticked if London came home from a friends house smelling of beer and the girls mom just dropped her off. My aunt used to let her daughter and friends drink at the house..took drink orders and would have everything there for them when they came home from school. My mom asked if those kids'' parents allowed them to "knock back a few" at home, and she said "Of course not, that''s why they come here" Mom said "So, they have their parents permission?" She said "Of course not, that''s why they come here" One of my friends at a job I had at the time had a daughter who used to go to my Aunts house and boooooy my friend was MAD-it wasn''t like they sat around and delicately sipped a nice flavored liqueur-the girls sat around and drank beer, and then my Aunt drove them home, quite tipsy.

Back in the day, we didn''t have a house that was the moderation, you can only have 1 beer house. We wouldn''t have wanted to bother. We just had the couple houses we knew the mom would buy for us, and we partied. The mom would buy us cigarettes and didn''t care if people disappeared into the bedrooms.

I want London to be smart and safe. If she''s going to make a stupid decision, I want her to say "Mom, I''m at so and so''s house and I''ve been drinking. I''m sorry, can you come get me please?" And not to expect that it''s ok or that it can become a regular occurrence. When she is wanting to have sex, I want her to be protected and use condoms and be on the pill, and I would want her to come to me about it. But I won''t be saying, so yeah, I want to know where you''re doing it, so feel free to use your own bed.

 

[Ara Ann]

Here's a link to a more recent article that supports my previous post:

http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,26152454-2682,00.html

Peers have such a HUGE influence over kids...I guess it boils down to knowing their friends and what is permitted at their homes, like Pack Rat said.

We've never kept alcohol in our home, I never wanted to be the source or the enabler for any other child who happened to be in my home and who wanted a drink....wasn't going to happen here.

 

[luckystar112]

I think it's funny how when I was teenager my friends and I always wanted to stay at the house with the "cool" mom who let us have wine coolers and smoke cigarettes. Looking back on it now, those parents were usually the biggest low lifes...

At the same time, one of DH's friends is about to marry a girl who has very strict views on alcohol. Her parents never had a sip in front of her, ever, and she wants to be the same way with her kids. That means her husband will not be allowed a sip of wine at a fancy dinner in Italy, a beer after his team wins the superbowl, a glass of champagne on New Years----nothing, as long as the kids are around. I just think that's completely ridiculous and I'm wishing him LUCK with that one. I could only imagine demanding the same rules on my DH. He'd fall over laughing!

I'm not going to be the mom who has kids getting drunk in my basement because I think it's "safe", but I'm going to use some common sense and know that when they are out on a Friday night they are probably at a party. I'm not going to make drinking some forbidden, unattainable act for them, but I WILL make it clear from the get-go my feelings on drunk driving. I will let them know that I am a phone call away and I will never be mad if they call me drunk.

ETA: Packrat, I always figured that the moms knew what they were doing was wrong, which is why they'd always have us stay the night. It would be like, "you can have this but you aren't allowed to leave". I'd be ticked off if my kid was dropped off reaking of booze too!

 

[packrat]

One of the places we could drink was the apartment of the dad of a friend (sometimes with benefits) that I had at the time. When I turned 18, I got fed up b/c my parents were strict, and his dad was SO lenient-here son, please use my bed to have sex with your friend, I''ll be out buying more beer and cigs-and SO cool..My cousin and I moved in w/him. Dumb. Retarded. Stupid. Worst decision ever. BUT-that was my rock bottom before I realized DUDE, I''m going to turn out like HIM, hanging out w/teenagers b/c I have no life and I''m pretty much a piece of crap. Talk about a wake up call. It wasn''t overnight, but boooy did it make a difference in how I perceived my parents. We still had issues-heck I''ve got issues w/them now and I''m 35-but it did change things.

What I''ve noticed from then to now, is that the ones w/stricter parents, yes, went out and went bonkers..but they straightened up faster than the ones w/more loosy goosey parents. My parents could''ve been a wee more lenient than they were and still not have been considered anything less than strict. (cuz you know..a 9:00 bedtime at 18 is a leeeetle excessive)

But, I agree w/what was said about parents w/high expectations for their kids having a big difference in how kids see themselves. My parents expected me to behave a certain way, and even when I was out partying, it was still in the back of my mind, always, caring about what my parents thought of me and my actions. The other kids didn''t give a rats behind about what their parents thought, and it showed.