When enough is enough - mental illness

[Queenie60]

Okay - I tried to stay away from this subject however I need to vent - really need a vent session. Things with our son have turned very evil over the past few weeks. I will make this a short as possible. I must say, it helps me to write this and to just share my feelings.


Last Tuesday, I was at a doctor appointment - I received a very threatening call from my son. He came to our home (still had a key) to get a few of his things. He discovered that I cleaned his room and went into a fit of rage. He proceeded to smash up many things in my home. Dishes, photographs and a few other things. He also threatened to kill my f** dogs. Oh my - I phoned the local Sheriff and my husband who both rushed to the scene. I told my son over the phone that I was having him arrested for doing this. At that point he fled the scene. I thank God that my Dr. appointment was running behind and I was there later than anticipated. I hate to think what he would have done to me had I been home. He threatened to slit my throat over the phone.

The following day he showed up at our home, after my husband told him not to come here without a specific time as he is not allowed at our home without a police escort. He realized that I had changed the locks and again went into a fit of rage. He then tried his key in various doors, to find that he no longer has access to my home. I immediately had 911 on the phone. He then got in his car and drove away. However, I saw through the side window that he was driving down the private road at the side of my property. He then proceeded to walk up to the property and was so amped up that he was able to jump a 6-1/2 foot wrought iron fence and come to the back of the property. Oh my God - I was terrified. He was so angry and trying to break down the glass french door. I then fled to the back of the home and barricaded myself into a small dressing room that has a dead bolt. The police finally arrived as he was contemplating smashing through the door with a large log.

Long story short, he was taken to the Mental Hospital and they let him out the very evening he was admitted. He's lucky we did not have him arrested.

So now, I am terrified in my home, even though I have beefed up the security, changed all alarm codes and all locks. Having a very difficult time with this and I don't know when I can begin to relax and try to forgive him for this incident.

The strange thing about this - he can turn the rage off immediately and go to work and be the most charming person in the world. He is also behaving well at his place of residence.

Thank you for allowing me to vent PS.

 

[december-fire]

Oh my God, Queenie60! That's terrifying!

Your safety is priority. I'm glad you've changed locks, alarm codes and had the good sense to phone police.

I'm deeply saddened at what you and others are enduring.

I wish I had more to offer, but I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs

 

[AGBF]

Queenie-

He reminds me a lot of the son of someone I know. I mean, I do not know if I have even met her in person; I do not recall. But she has taken a position on the board of a local mental health institution. It is a private group, founded by the mother of a schizophrenic, that has always had a Board of Directors made up of a mix of professional and parents of mentally ill people. Her son is a bit like my daughter, and very much like your son. He is bipolar and capable of living in an apartment or a group home. But when she put him out-for egregious acts-he went so completely wild that she has not only had to take the precautions that you have, but actually has bars on her windows.

Sometimes when I say that I can't bear living like this anymore, my father (who often says I cannot put my daughter out; there is nowhere for her to go) says that if I put her out I will end up like this woman with bars on my windows. This situation with your son sounds to me, unfortunately, quite typical of bipolar rage. No one knows. No one understands how extreme it is.

I send good thoughts and prayers.

Big hugs,
(((Queenie)))
Deb

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you Deb - appreciate all of your thoughts, always. This is a very tough situation and my husband is very torn. He's a very old fashion family man and he's hurting daily as he wants everything to be okay but he knows it just can't be - not for a very long time. I don't know when and if I will ever be able to see him again. It's so hard to believe that the child you gave birth to, nurtured and loved can feel this much rage towards you - enough to kill you. I'm considering a restraining order however my husband feels that being served a restraining order can cause him to have another outburst. Bob's position is to try to diffuse him and to then give him time to come back down. I don't feel it's that easy as this has been going on since September - I feel that his illness is escalating and he has lost all control. Time will tell. In the interim, I will need to continue to look over my shoulder and lock myself in my home. Crazy, crazy situation. Luckily I have a wonderful husband and my daughter. Thank's for listening.

 

[AGBF]

Thank you Deb - appreciate all of your thoughts, always. This is a very tough situation and my husband is very torn. He's a very old fashion family man and he's hurting daily as he wants everything to be okay but he knows it just can't be - not for a very long time. I don't know when and if I will ever be able to see him again. It's so hard to believe that the child you gave birth to, nurtured and loved can feel this much rage towards you - enough to kill you. I'm considering a restraining order however my husband feels that being served a restraining order can cause him to have another outburst. Bob's position is to try to diffuse him and to then give him time to come back down. I don't feel it's that easy as this has been going on since September - I feel that his illness is escalating and he has lost all control. Time will tell. In the interim, I will need to continue to look over my shoulder and lock myself in my home. Crazy, crazy situation. Luckily I have a wonderful husband and my daughter. Thank's for listening.

It is an unbearable situation, Queenie, and no one has the right to tell you or your husband how to handle it. No one can predict how it will turn out if you go Route A or Route B. There have been successful and unsuccessful outcomes for people who went both routes.

I tend to try to work it out. But a very loving elderly couple of whom I know tried, always, to help their crazy and violent son and then...he killed his very elderly father. It wasn't a premeditated act of murder. It was a crazy act that led to his elderly father's death. (His father was a physician, by the way.) His parents were going up the stairs of an apartment building to visit their son where he was living and he decided to "fly" down the stairwell, landing on his father. Having his son knock him down the stairwell and land on him killed him. I do not believe that their son had been assaultive to others in the traditional sense, starting fistfights or using knives, but I know that in rages he had broken up all the furniture in their home. That was why he was living (and been living) on his own...with a great deal of love and support from his parents.

While I want to cheer on your husband, there is no way for me to know how violent you son might become. I am more like your husband than like you, but I would never tell you to act the way I would. You might wind up dead.

I am so sorry.

 

[kmarla]

Queenie, I'm so sorry to read your update. What a terrible situation to find yourself in. I had hoped that your son would settle in to his apartment and that the stress would de-escalate for everyone. I completely understand your point of view and your inability to feel safe in your own home. I don't have any experience with a gated community, but can security be alerted to either prevent your son from entering the community or, barring that, then notifying you that he has done so? Maybe this is unrealistic as I suppose he could enter through someone's back yard or some other way. It seems appropriate to have a restraining order put in place. It doesn't have to be forever, but right now your son is very unstable and destructive and is making threats. Right now your family's safety is more immediate and important than rebuilding a relationship. I'm sure you and your husband are in shock right now and it's very hard to problem solve in that state. Although usually on the same page, my husband and I have also disagreed slightly at times in how to manage our situation with our daughter. He finds it harder to be tougher when he should be and it can add additional stress. It's odd because he's usually the firmer one. Is there a crisis counsellor you can both talk to to get some urgent guidance? I'm not sure of the American equivalent, but could your son be admitted to hospital as a danger to himself or others? Again, I'm so very sorry that you are going through this difficult crisis. I'm sending ((((hugs)))) in this very stressful situation. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you Kmarla. No, we do not live in a gated community. We live in a suburban area with a lot of open space. Our property is securely fenced however, he jumped the 6-1/2 foot fence - he was wound so tight. He was put into a mental hospital but they only kept him there through the day and allowed him to leave in the evening. My husband is so torn. We had dinner out this evening and discussed this situation. He was hoping that I would sit and talk with my son tomorrow. I explained how fearful I am of him right now. I have agreed to meet at a public place and to have my own car so that I can leave if the conversation becomes abusive - I am sure it will. I feel so bad because this is hurting my husband more than any of us. I shared my feelings with my husband and he does understand but he's still hurt. It's just too soon for me. I'm hoping that we can all just stay away from one another and have a cooling down period. Hopefully someday we can resolve this. This is terrible. Thank you for listening. Mental Illness - hell and doesn't discriminate.

 

[House Cat]

Queenie,

You have been on my mind and heart.


How are you?

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you Housecat - you are so sweet! Things are going well. I have no contact with my son however, my husband communicates with him daily. I have taken the back seat. It's difficult for me to get over the things he did 3 weeks ago. I must say, I was so terrified when he attempted to break down the door to get to me. He made some verbal threats on our message machine Easter Sunday evening - threatening to come to kill us. My husband was able to talk him down. He has been very calm for the past 10 days or so and my husband is the one with the daily communications. I'm not ready for a relationship as of yet and do not know when I will be. This is going to take some time for me to get over. I am now directing my energy to other things as to keep my mind healthy. I am in the process of becoming a Child Advocate for the State of California! This is a great adventure for me and positive.

Hopefully one day I can rekindle a relationship with my son.

Thank you for thinking about me - you're a nice person Housecat. I love PS as it's been a nice way of venting my frustrations.

 

[kmarla]

For Diamondseeker and Deb. Better late than never, but here is a pic of my dining room. I don't have sterling silver and I temporarily removed the persian rug since we have a little puppy running around, but I think it's similar to yours.

 

[kmarla]

House Cat, what a caring person you are

Queenie60, I've been thinking a lot of you as well. It is so difficult to go through these challenges with our children. If it was a stranger or a casual friend the answers would be so easy. Maybe my update will reassure you that your reaction is very normal. It takes time and support to get past these crises.

Update- Things have settled down here somewhat and I think we are gradually getting used to what seems to be the new normal. It's been over three months since our daughter had her crisis and ran away. For the moment, she now seems to be stable and is adjusting to her new meds and her new lifestyle. She seems happy, and since that is what we wish for her, then I am grateful. Unfortunately she is not working right now and is in a kind of limbo state with her employer. Her company was just taken over by another, and all the casual employees like our daughter lost their clients to the full time employees. So she is on an open ended wait list for new clients. Her company provides home care and cleaning for qualified individuals. She came for her first real visit on Easter Saturday. We just weren't up to doing the Easter Sunday family thing this year. She needed to sign her income tax forms and collect a few things we had put aside for her after she ran away. I found the visit somewhat exhausting and stressful because of the recent history, but it actually went very well. I think I'm just not used to the energy she brings with her anymore. She's very loud and very chatty all the time and skips from subject to subject so it can be tiring. She was very friendly and polite to us and the dogs. She had really made an effort with her appearance and looked very nice. We haven't seen her and have only occasionally heard from her since then. She blows hot and cold. We're at that stage where we get a call if she needs something or wants a favor, but otherwise we rarely hear from her. I'm always very polite to her and try to be supportive, but I feel very numb inside. I've been told that this is very normal, and it will take time to redefine our relationship. I don't think it will ever be the same. I'm always on guard with her now since her actions are very unpredictable. She's making some personal choices right now that concern me, but I just stay right out of it. I don't have any ability to control anything, so I'm not going to add more stress. DH and I are looking forward to our future and we're keeping ourselves busy as always. We're in the final stretch of redoing her bathroom. We've replaced all the broken tile flooring and put in new porcelain tiles. I've drywalled and patched all the walls and repainted. I just have to finish painting all the trim work and then I can do the pretty, fun stuff...accessorizing! I think it's been a helpful distraction. I hope that the rest of you are finding some peace as well even though life may not be working out exactly as planned!

 

[House Cat]

Hi Queenie,

I am so sorry that he is still stuck in that obsessive loop of thinking. I know your first attempt at getting him hospitalised was unsuccessful, but if you have him recorded, threatening to harm you, I am pretty sure they will hold him on a 5150.

But I also understand the need to stay completely detached. I needed a lot of time after my step son pulled a knife on me. We talk now and we are tender toward one another. I have a very different perspective toward him than I did during those days when I lived with him. But I am still very cautious with him for two very big reasons, he is unmedicated and he uses pot. These are very destabilizing factors with bipolar disorder. I know this from first hand experience. Because of this, i can't fully connect with him like I do with my other children. This creates such a sadness in me because I know that he needs that connection more than anyone, but it won't happen until he makes the decision to manage his illness.

I am so glad you are focusing your attention on good things! Becoming a child advocate sounds like it would be such a fulfilling thing to do. One thing we learned when dealing with CPS and our step son was that California's system was so overwhelmed to the point that it was ineffective. There are kids who definitely need you.

I hope your son's brain will soon find something else that is more stimulating or rewarding to cause a shift in focus. Mostly, I hope things continue to calm down for you and your family.

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you housecat! I appreciate your caring words. This too shall pass!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am behind on this thread and need to read back over a good many posts over the last couple of weeks. I will try to reply again maybe tomorrow after I catch up.

kmarla, I did see the picture and your dining room furniture is a lot like mine, especially the china cabinet!

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you DS - you are so very kind to care.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Queenie, I am sooo sorry for your recent problems with your son. That is so frightening. I can't even think of any advice for that situation.

I just wanted to add that I was once a guardian ad litem in my state, which sounds like what you are calling child advocate. Honestly, it was very frustrating and draining, because the law really does not always protect the rights of the child because it tends to favor the rights of the parent over the child, sadly. You deal with a LOT of dysfunctional people, and I truly do not think I could do that at the same time as having a child with mental issues. Maybe you will feel differently, but in the end I quit doing that and we just adopted a child that we could really help.

 

[Queenie60]

Good input DS and I will keep this in my mind. At this time I am taking the training classes and will see what responsibilities I am required to take on. As for my son, this is an ongoing tragedy. My husband and I had a disagreement this evening. He wants to plan a family vacation and is quite frustrated with me because I told him "I am not ready to face my abuser at this point" and I can't say when I will be ready. He respects me for my strength however, it's frustrating for him at the same time. He just wants to be one happy family and it just can't be that way. Maybe some family intervention? Not sure??? I will present him with this as a possible solution tomorrow. I refuse to make everything ok which I feel will send the message to our son that it's ok that he smashed up my home and terrorized me at the same time. I feel that he would have hurt me had he been able to break the barrier between us. This is not a good feeling and I refuse to be his victim. On a more positive note -we are enjoying our "empty nest" and having wonderful meals and wine and enjoying our quiet space. This empty nester things is pretty nice! Our daughter will be coming home early May and things will change a bit however, Christina does not let grass grow under her feet - she will be busy working and learning her father's business during the summer months so we will still have time for ourselves. Life deals some strange cards and we just need to play them. Thank you for your kind words and all of your most appreciated input. I thank you.

 

[missy]

I too am a bit behind and have not read all the recent posts but just a quick word of support for all of you dealing with this and (((Hugs))).

Kmarla, glad things are going well for you and best wishes for continued progress and peace.

Queenie, I am so sorry at this latest development and agree 100% with you about not going on vacation with your son just yet. If ever. But time will tell. Hold strong sweetheart and hopefully your dh will see your side more clearly when emotions calm down a bit. I am glad you are both enjoying having time to yourselves for now at least.

Also, I came here specifically today looking for you as I am concerned about your ocular sxs of flashing lights. I wrote to you in CJ's dry eye thread so if you can pop in there so I don't further derail this thread.

 

[december-fire]

Queenie, I am sooo sorry for your recent problems with your son. That is so frightening. I can't even think of any advice for that situation.

I just wanted to add that I was once a guardian ad litem in my state, which sounds like what you are calling child advocate. Honestly, it was very frustrating and draining, because the law really does not always protect the rights of the child because it tends to favor the rights of the parent over the child, sadly. You deal with a LOT of dysfunctional people, and I truly do not think I could do that at the same time as having a child with mental issues. Maybe you will feel differently, but in the end I quit doing that and we just adopted a child that we could really help.

Queenie and Kmarla,

I continue to send positive thoughts to you and your families, and everyone else here, dealing with difficult situations. Stressful circumstances are even more challenging when they involve a loved one.

Diamondseeker2006,

I hope you don't mind me saying that your posts are always so considerate, thoughtful and wise; whether you are posting here, on Rocky Talk, or Show me the bling. You are clearly a very lovely and respectful person.

 

[azstonie]

My parents both have personality disorders. They've had them all their lives and it got worse as the decades passed to where they became absolutely unbearable in their 70s and now 80s. Their prime target for anything in life they perceived as being 'wrong' was always me. When I turned 50 I found the strength to walk away.

Has it been painful? Absolutely. Is my life perfect now? (No, LOL). Do I wish I had loving and kind family of origin? I SO SO wished for that.

But my life is mine now. My DH no longer has to pick up the pieces they leave behind---my marriage is now more secure and healthy than it was when my parents were causing mayhem.

When I stopped trying to turn my parents around, when I stopped the denial over my FOO, I was able to make a rational decision based on facts and decades of past experience.

Life is good now. Its peaceful. I find that most of what I miss about them was a fantasy or wishful thinking and the rare real thing I might miss happened so long ago. Society puts powerful pressure on people to be victimized only because the abuser is "faaaaaamily."

When you know what they are, when you know what they do to you, when you know the steep price you pay, and you KEEP DOING THE SAME THING (allowing the status quo) then you are volunteering for more.

 

[kmarla]

Thank you Diamondseeker, Missy, December-fire!

Queenie60,
Maybe I can share a little from my recent experience. My husband sounds so much like yours. Their heart is in the right place and they want things to be okay and normal again. But it just isn't. My husband was pushing me to visit with my daughter way too soon. Maybe I hide my feelings too well, but I was really hurting. I finally agreed to a first, short visit almost three months after the crisis. I told DH that I felt an hour or so was manageable. No dinner, no big reunion, just a nice short quiet visit. He agreed. Well, the visit went well, no blow ups, but he didn't stick to our plan and kept dragging it out and I ended up mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had to take a few breaks and slip away for a few minutes. The visit ended up being almost four hours. It was too much for me. My husband and daughter seemed fine, but I wasn't. Next time I'll take more control so that doesn't happen again. So my advice is to not be forced into a visit until you're ready. Agree to a plan together with your DH and stick to it. Help him understand that just because he doesn't see you struggling doesn't mean you aren't. Keep the first visit short for a couple of reasons, first you will be struggling with emotions and second there will be less opportunity for something to go wrong.
I also would be very cautious about a family vacation. We went through a similar crisis to the current one with our daughter a couple of years ago. Things settled down and we thought it would be okay to go on a family holiday out of country about three months later. She seemed stable at home. Well, she managed to completely ruin that holiday for all of us, and because we were out of the country we couldn't just go home. I will never make that mistake again. I really don't think I will ever vacation with her again to be honest.

We had a stressful day yesterday with her out of the blue. Things had been calmer, mostly because she doesn't communicate a lot. We're learning how to disengage better from her drama, but DH and I have agreed that counselling to manage loving detachment will be helpful for us. We will also be starting the family to family course at the end of the month. I wish you well Queenie. I'm glad you'll have your daughter home soon. I'm spending much more time with my older daughter and it's really helping. She's calling and dropping by a lot more now that our youngest is gone. She is a great support and although she loves her sister, she is affected by these crises too.

 

[Queenie60]

My parents both have personality disorders. They've had them all their lives and it got worse as the decades passed to where they became absolutely unbearable in their 70s and now 80s. Their prime target for anything in life they perceived as being 'wrong' was always me. When I turned 50 I found the strength to walk away.

Has it been painful? Absolutely. Is my life perfect now? (No, LOL). Do I wish I had loving and kind family of origin? I SO SO wished for that.

But my life is mine now. My DH no longer has to pick up the pieces they leave behind---my marriage is now more secure and healthy than it was when my parents were causing mayhem.

When I stopped trying to turn my parents around, when I stopped the denial over my FOO, I was able to make a rational decision based on facts and decades of past experience.

Life is good now. Its peaceful. I find that most of what I miss about them was a fantasy or wishful thinking and the rare real thing I might miss happened so long ago. Society puts powerful pressure on people to be victimized only because the abuser is "faaaaaamily."

When you know what they are, when you know what they do to you, when you know the steep price you pay, and you KEEP DOING THE SAME THING (allowing the status quo) then you are volunteering for more.

I completely agree with you. I too have a mother who is an alcoholic, with bipolar disorder. She continued to abuse myself and my siblings throughout our childhoods. I walked away from that relationship more than 30 years ago. I am now 55. Life seems so unfair that I am dealing with similar circumstances as an adult but this time it's my own child. It hurts even deeper. However, I need to keep myself physically safe and mentally sane. I refuse to follow that same pattern I was forced to follow as a child. My son needs medical intervention which is available to him however he must want it. Until he is ready to get the help he needs I feel that I am not able to have a relationship with him. He has been verbally abusive to me for the past 5 years and just recently has become violent. I feel that his illness is escalating beyond his control and he seems to think that smoking marijuana is the key to his mood swings. It's the other way around. The pot that these kids are smoking today is very potent. I don't have the answers but I can keep myself safe. I feel so bad that my husband is having a difficult time understanding this. I must stay strong. Thank you for your kind comments.

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you Diamondseeker, Missy, December-fire!

Queenie60,
Maybe I can share a little from my recent experience. My husband sounds so much like yours. Their heart is in the right place and they want things to be okay and normal again. But it just isn't. My husband was pushing me to visit with my daughter way too soon. Maybe I hide my feelings too well, but I was really hurting. I finally agreed to a first, short visit almost three months after the crisis. I told DH that I felt an hour or so was manageable. No dinner, no big reunion, just a nice short quiet visit. He agreed. Well, the visit went well, no blow ups, but he didn't stick to our plan and kept dragging it out and I ended up mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had to take a few breaks and slip away for a few minutes. The visit ended up being almost four hours. It was too much for me. My husband and daughter seemed fine, but I wasn't. Next time I'll take more control so that doesn't happen again. So my advice is to not be forced into a visit until you're ready. Agree to a plan together with your DH and stick to it. Help him understand that just because he doesn't see you struggling doesn't mean you aren't. Keep the first visit short for a couple of reasons, first you will be struggling with emotions and second there will be less opportunity for something to go wrong.
I also would be very cautious about a family vacation. We went through a similar crisis to the current one with our daughter a couple of years ago. Things settled down and we thought it would be okay to go on a family holiday out of country about three months later. She seemed stable at home. Well, she managed to completely ruin that holiday for all of us, and because we were out of the country we couldn't just go home. I will never make that mistake again. I really don't think I will ever vacation with her again to be honest.

We had a stressful day yesterday with her out of the blue. Things had been calmer, mostly because she doesn't communicate a lot. We're learning how to disengage better from her drama, but DH and I have agreed that counselling to manage loving detachment will be helpful for us. We will also be starting the family to family course at the end of the month. I wish you well Queenie. I'm glad you'll have your daughter home soon. I'm spending much more time with my older daughter and it's really helping. She's calling and dropping by a lot more now that our youngest is gone. She is a great support and although she loves her sister, she is affected by these crises too.

Thank you Kmarla for the helpful advise. I am glad that I am not the only mother feeling this way. This last episode was much too traumatic for me to get over so soon after. Our last few vacations were not anything to write home about as our son always has issues during our vacation times. I just can't see myself getting into another of those "dark" episodes during a family vacation. And I am not willing to share space with him as well as the fact that vacations are supposed to be fun not full of stress and anxiety. He is now a 22 year old and I do not feel an obligation to make amends with him until he gets the help that he needs. Medication would make a world of difference but how can you force someone to take medication - you can't. I am considering seeking counseling for myself so that I can deal with all of this. I appreciate your care and concern. Glad things are going well for you.

 

[kmarla]

Azstonie,
That's such great advice and wisdom. I'm so sorry that you had to learn it the way you did. It's so true that we would never tolerate from someone else what we put up with from family. Abuse is abuse, and why should a family member get a waiver. It is hard to untangle the bonds of love and loyalty, but sometimes it needs to be done in order to be free and healthy and safe.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Diamondseeker2006,

I hope you don't mind me saying that your posts are always so considerate, thoughtful and wise; whether you are posting here, on Rocky Talk, or Show me the bling. You are clearly a very lovely and respectful person.

What a very sweet thing to say! Thank you! Honestly, sometimes I am replying to posts about diamonds quickly and matter-of-factly, so I worry sometimes that I come across not so nice!

Aztonie and Queenie, that is so sad about your parents. I am glad you are both strong and have been able to separate from that kind of past. I think kids are much harder to detach from because it is in our nature to want to fix things, and we can't just stop loving a child.

Queenie, I don't think you should ever meet alone with your son. I hope your husband meant that he would be there with you. But I honestly think I wouldn't do it unless it was a family counseling situation where a neutral trained counselor could moderate the meeting. Someone needs to address his threats towards you in a safe environment. Threats of physical harm should be cause for involuntary commitment.

As to the vacation thing, gosh, yes, we have had some trauma on family vacations. Our son would have to drink to deal with it and I finally learned he was happier at home. I think vacations are often hard for kids on the autism spectrum. We have also had problems when we were away and he stayed here. I think he wants to be included but he's not happy if he goes, either. But Queenie, in your case, there is absolutely NO WAY your son should be invited on vacation until he has had a lot of treatment and has been stable for a decent length of time.

I wish I could say that taking meds fixed things, but it hasn't for us. It sometimes makes things worse. They seem to work for awhile and then just don't anymore. So it is hard to say if it is placebo or the meds just aren't tested for long term use. I do know that it is pure hell to get off some of them, though.

 

[Queenie60]

Diamondseeker2006,

I hope you don't mind me saying that your posts are always so considerate, thoughtful and wise; whether you are posting here, on Rocky Talk, or Show me the bling. You are clearly a very lovely and respectful person.

What a very sweet thing to say! Thank you! Honestly, sometimes I am replying to posts about diamonds quickly and matter-of-factly, so I worry sometimes that I come across not so nice!

Aztonie and Queenie, that is so sad about your parents. I am glad you are both strong and have been able to separate from that kind of past. I think kids are much harder to detach from because it is in our nature to want to fix things, and we can't just stop loving a child.

Queenie, I don't think you should ever meet alone with your son. I hope your husband meant that he would be there with you. But I honestly think I wouldn't do it unless it was a family counseling situation where a neutral trained counselor could moderate the meeting. Someone needs to address his threats towards you in a safe environment. Threats of physical harm should be cause for involuntary commitment.

As to the vacation thing, gosh, yes, we have had some trauma on family vacations. Our son would have to drink to deal with it and I finally learned he was happier at home. I think vacations are often hard for kids on the autism spectrum. We have also had problems when we were away and he stayed here. I think he wants to be included but he's not happy if he goes, either. But Queenie, in your case, there is absolutely NO WAY your son should be invited on vacation until he has had a lot of treatment and has been stable for a decent length of time.

I wish I could say that taking meds fixed things, but it hasn't for us. It sometimes makes things worse. They seem to work for awhile and then just don't anymore. So it is hard to say if it is placebo or the meds just aren't tested for long term use. I do know that it is pure hell to get off some of them, though.

Thank you DS for your kind understanding. Yes, it's so very difficult to detach from a child however when your safety is at stake then it's the right thing to do. Yes, my husband wants me to see my son with him being present. I am just not ready and trying to put together a family vacation for the month of June - way too soon. It's going to take many months for him to be stable - the months from September and leading up to this last episode of a few weeks ago have been pure hell with him. This is why we moved him out of our home - it became unbearable at times. I am going to suggest to my husband this evening that he ask Matt to meet with our family therapist where the three of us can begin to discuss the events that took place and try to find a common ground where we can begin to heal. It's going to take a lot before we can begin to mend our relationship.

And, had he not moved out by early May, I was prepared to not allow my daughter to come home to CA for the summer. I was prepared to rent a condo or small apartment in Colorado and stay there with her for the summer and do some traveling together. Our home was much too unsafe for her to reside. That is how terribly bad this entire course of events have been. May God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Thank you very much for your concern and great advise. There is no clean and easy answer to this uphill battle. Being able to vent my frustrations is a whole lot of help. Thank you.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

No, there are no easy answers. My faith is what helps me keep going in the dark times. Thankfully right this minute there are a couple of men in our church who have overcome some difficult things in their past and are spending some time with our son, and he believes they understand and care about him rather than judge him. So I see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. But I know well that this goes in cycles and I really can't get my hopes up too much. Nevertheless, I am happy when there is one good day or one good week.

I am glad you are going to try to get a counselor involved, Queenie. You need an impartial person who can assess what might need to happen if this kind of behavior continues and also to have some impartial input directed toward your son that treatment is needed.

 

[azstonie]

Ack, too late for me to edit my post, the last line about "volunteering for more," that only applies to *me.* I don't think anyone on the thread is "asking for it." Using the impersonal you, I shouldn't have done that there.

In my case, once I came out of the fear/obligation/guilt ("FOG"), I knew what they were, I knew the price I paid for allowing them access to me, and with that knowledge I just couldn't go back to the way things were and my parents weren't willing to allow our relationship to change. It was their way or the highway, basically.

I went with the highway.;

 

[Queenie60]

I'm so glad for you DS, that your son has a few mentors via your church. Yes, my faith has kept me going for my entire life. It's what I have always relied on during these tough times. Let's hope that maybe your son can turn a corner with the help of these wonderful men who are reaching out to him.

I spoke with my husband and he was happy to hear that I am willing to meet with Matt, along with a therapist. If my son agrees, then maybe we can begin the healing process. It's a long road ahead and maybe by the grace of God we can work through this.

Thank you DS.

 

[Queenie60]

Ack, too late for me to edit my post, the last line about "volunteering for more," that only applies to *me.* I don't think anyone on the thread is "asking for it." Using the impersonal you, I shouldn't have done that there.

In my case, once I came out of the fear/obligation/guilt ("FOG"), I knew what they were, I knew the price I paid for allowing them access to me, and with that knowledge I just couldn't go back to the way things were and my parents weren't willing to allow our relationship to change. It was their way or the highway, basically.

I went with the highway.;

No worries Aztonie! Took nothing you said in a bad way. And always appreciate your input and advise. Thank you.