when do I stop waiting?

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/11/2009 1:00:37 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/11/2009 12:50:45 PM
Author: TooPatient
Maybe he's waiting for Valentines Day?

And that PERFECT moment is TOTES worth his future fiance UNRAVELING for three *more* months. So much so that he won't even discuss her feelings? Will just threaten her with super suave lines like 'you make me not want to do it'. You Make Me. Blame. Shame. Mind games.

Read your own 'handle'. TooPatient. Ya. That.

Yeah....If he couldn't find a "special" enough day to propose between January of this year and Valentines Day of next year, he's not trying very hard.

Waiting, I'm of the opinion that no topics should be off limits for a couple. You should talk to him and find out what's going on. If he isn't ready for marriage, you need to know that and figure out what to do next.

ETA - I'm so sorry you're going through this Waiting. You honestly have the patience of a saint. I'm not sure if you are a Sex and the City fan but this thread really reminds me of the original "He's just not that into you" episode. Lots of ladies are making excuses for the guy and elaborate stories about waiting for specific days, when it seems pretty clear that there is SOMETHING going on here. You really should explore that even if he proposes tomorrow. You shouldn't go into marriage wondering what the heck took so long.

I absolutely love what Starset Princess said about not being a hard decision...so true.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 11/11/2009 1:35:37 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/11/2009 1:00:37 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/11/2009 12:50:45 PM
Author: TooPatient
Maybe he''s waiting for Valentines Day?

And that PERFECT moment is TOTES worth his future fiance UNRAVELING for three *more* months. So much so that he won''t even discuss her feelings? Will just threaten her with super suave lines like ''you make me not want to do it''. You Make Me. Blame. Shame. Mind games.

Read your own ''handle''. TooPatient. Ya. That.

Yeah....If he couldn''t find a ''special'' enough day to propose between January of this year and Valentines Day of next year, he''s not trying very hard.

Waiting, I''m of the opinion that no topics should be off limits for a couple. You should talk to him and find out what''s going on. If he isn''t ready for marriage, you need to know that and figure out what to do next.

ETA - I''m so sorry you''re going through this Waiting. You honestly have the patience of a saint. I''m not sure if you are a Sex and the City fan but this thread really reminds me of the original ''He''s just not that into you'' episode. Lots of ladies are making excuses for the guy and elaborate stories about waiting for specific days, when it seems pretty clear that there is SOMETHING going on here. You really should explore that even if he proposes tomorrow. You shouldn''t go into marriage wondering what the heck took so long.

I absolutely love what Starset Princess said about not being a hard decision...so true.

I think the reaction to this thread is totally an over-reaction. How does he know she is unraveling...has she told him??? Even when I was stressing out about waiting both myself and my fiance thought it was related to a completely unrelated stressful situation until I figured it out myself. It is unkind to wave the ring in front of her face and she needs to point that out to him, but I don''t see his behavior as malicious. Also his reaction to her comment on the "i guess when you know you know" comment makes complete sense. Do you see her saying that with a happy face or with some nagging/disappointment in there? There is a lot of pressure on men to make this commitment and I would react the same way.

I think a lot of man bashing goes on in this forum. Just because two people aren''t ready at the exact same time doesn''t mean they aren''t right for each other. I think it should be more encouraged to wait for the other person to get ready instead of pressure them. This couple is quiite young (21-23). I can tell you I changed a lot from that age to 26 and as either the gf or bf would be weary of committing to forever too soon at that age. Have you seen the divorce rate for younger couples? Also, there is something to be said about both parties establishing themselves with their careers and I know a lot of men who want and need to do that before settling down. A lot of people at this age haven''t even left their parents home. I don''t know this couples situation, but there was a post a while back about a girl who really wanted to get engaged but her bf couldn''t save that much cause he had to pay for his own cell phone and car insurance (doesn''t every adult?) I think there is a lot to be said about getting established.

Anyway, to all those out there waiting if I could talk to myself two months ago, I would say stop being a nagging impatient girlfriend. You know he is going to propose so start practicing patience and kiss him lots (I did do that). Also, please don''t listen to the people who tell you to leave the love of your life because he isn''t ready this second and don''t know the two of you. I found it better to talk to my friends who know us as couple and how we are together and even our problems and listen to them. All of them said EK is absolutely perfect for you and you need to stop being impatient!!!

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

Wow thank you everyone for the continued responses...

Meresal- Thank you for follow up post and for being so sweet. Hearing what your husband said makes me laugh. I''m sure whem (or if?

) he proposes he will probably tell me the same thing.

Wine- Thank you for sharing your story and being understanding. I do know plenty of people probably get married for the sake of being married, which I would never want to imply by my bringing it up to him.

Caribari- Thank you for the advice, I plan on having a conversation with him.

swine-that is a very good point. I dont want him to reel rushed either. Why talk about if if you arent ready though, you know?

Ice- Thank you so much for a guys perspective! I appreciate your honesty, sweetness and advice.

Everyone else, thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I think I will have conversation with him. I will admit that my "Lisa is getting engaged" comment did have a "b*tchy" tone to it, so it probably wasnt the best approach. If it does help though, the good thing is when I did bring it up, I told him that her bf said "just say yes to all the plans I make, so it doesnt ruin anything" and my boyfriend said "thats dumb. That ruins it doesnt it?". So at least I know he feels strongly about making it a surprise.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 11/11/2009 3:07:45 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 11/11/2009 1:35:37 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/11/2009 1:00:37 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/11/2009 12:50:45 PM
Author: TooPatient
Maybe he's waiting for Valentines Day?

And that PERFECT moment is TOTES worth his future fiance UNRAVELING for three *more* months. So much so that he won't even discuss her feelings? Will just threaten her with super suave lines like 'you make me not want to do it'. You Make Me. Blame. Shame. Mind games.

Read your own 'handle'. TooPatient. Ya. That.

Yeah....If he couldn't find a 'special' enough day to propose between January of this year and Valentines Day of next year, he's not trying very hard.

Waiting, I'm of the opinion that no topics should be off limits for a couple. You should talk to him and find out what's going on. If he isn't ready for marriage, you need to know that and figure out what to do next.

ETA - I'm so sorry you're going through this Waiting. You honestly have the patience of a saint. I'm not sure if you are a Sex and the City fan but this thread really reminds me of the original 'He's just not that into you' episode. Lots of ladies are making excuses for the guy and elaborate stories about waiting for specific days, when it seems pretty clear that there is SOMETHING going on here. You really should explore that even if he proposes tomorrow. You shouldn't go into marriage wondering what the heck took so long.

I absolutely love what Starset Princess said about not being a hard decision...so true.

I think the reaction to this thread is totally an over-reaction. How does he know she is unraveling...has she told him??? Even when I was stressing out about waiting both myself and my fiance thought it was related to a completely unrelated stressful situation until I figured it out myself. It is unkind to wave the ring in front of her face and she needs to point that out to him, but I don't see his behavior as malicious. Also his reaction to her comment on the 'i guess when you know you know' comment makes complete sense. Do you see her saying that with a happy face or with some nagging/disappointment in there? There is a lot of pressure on men to make this commitment and I would react the same way.

I think a lot of man bashing goes on in this forum. Just because two people aren't ready at the exact same time doesn't mean they aren't right for each other. I think it should be more encouraged to wait for the other person to get ready instead of pressure them. This couple is quiite young (21-23). I can tell you I changed a lot from that age to 26 and as either the gf or bf would be weary of committing to forever too soon at that age. Have you seen the divorce rate for younger couples? Also, there is something to be said about both parties establishing themselves with their careers and I know a lot of men who want and need to do that before settling down. A lot of people at this age haven't even left their parents home. I don't know this couples situation, but there was a post a while back about a girl who really wanted to get engaged but her bf couldn't save that much cause he had to pay for his own cell phone and car insurance (doesn't every adult?) I think there is a lot to be said about getting established.

Anyway, to all those out there waiting if I could talk to myself two months ago, I would say stop being a nagging impatient girlfriend. You know he is going to propose so start practicing patience and kiss him lots (I did do that). Also, please don't listen to the people who tell you to leave the love of your life because he isn't ready this second and don't know the two of you. I found it better to talk to my friends who know us as couple and how we are together and even our problems and listen to them. All of them said EK is absolutely perfect for you and you need to stop being impatient!!!

She's getting overcooked. One can hold something in only so long. She's been waiting nearly a year for a proposal. Why buy the ring if you're not ready? IMO, its to shut her up.

He's holding it over her head and manipluating her. I'm not a man basher. So many SOs/FIs/DHs on the board are amazing men. My husband included.

Never ONCE when i was getting impatient did he ever say "you make me not want to do it." That makes his love conditional, and thats wrong.

Yes, most of us could have tried to be more patient during our LIW days. She's been waiting a year! And he has a ring! She should be pissed, and she should get a straight answer from him pretty soon here.

If he's not ready, he should TELL HER. Not mind-F&*% her into thinking she's done something wrong.

ETA: I just re-read this and I sound like I'm mad at you, nkarma. I'm not. This topic just really gets my blood boiling. I hope I didn't offend! *breathe*

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

nkarma- sorry I think you posted right as I posted my responses. I was just rereading them and realized I didnt address you with regards to your first post, and came back to see your second post.

Thank you so much for both well thought out and compassionate responses. I appreciate you taking this as a personal situation and not just saying "leave him" which is easier to say to a stranger.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/11/2009 3:07:45 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 11/11/2009 1:35:37 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/11/2009 1:00:37 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/11/2009 12:50:45 PM
Author: TooPatient
Maybe he''s waiting for Valentines Day?

And that PERFECT moment is TOTES worth his future fiance UNRAVELING for three *more* months. So much so that he won''t even discuss her feelings? Will just threaten her with super suave lines like ''you make me not want to do it''. You Make Me. Blame. Shame. Mind games.

Read your own ''handle''. TooPatient. Ya. That.

Yeah....If he couldn''t find a ''special'' enough day to propose between January of this year and Valentines Day of next year, he''s not trying very hard.

Waiting, I''m of the opinion that no topics should be off limits for a couple. You should talk to him and find out what''s going on. If he isn''t ready for marriage, you need to know that and figure out what to do next.

ETA - I''m so sorry you''re going through this Waiting. You honestly have the patience of a saint. I''m not sure if you are a Sex and the City fan but this thread really reminds me of the original ''He''s just not that into you'' episode. Lots of ladies are making excuses for the guy and elaborate stories about waiting for specific days, when it seems pretty clear that there is SOMETHING going on here. You really should explore that even if he proposes tomorrow. You shouldn''t go into marriage wondering what the heck took so long.

I absolutely love what Starset Princess said about not being a hard decision...so true.

I think the reaction to this thread is totally an over-reaction. How does he know she is unraveling...has she told him??? Even when I was stressing out about waiting both myself and my fiance thought it was related to a completely unrelated stressful situation until I figured it out myself. It is unkind to wave the ring in front of her face and she needs to point that out to him, but I don''t see his behavior as malicious. Also his reaction to her comment on the ''i guess when you know you know'' comment makes complete sense. Do you see her saying that with a happy face or with some nagging/disappointment in there? There is a lot of pressure on men to make this commitment and I would react the same way.

I think a lot of man bashing goes on in this forum. Just because two people aren''t ready at the exact same time doesn''t mean they aren''t right for each other. I think it should be more encouraged to wait for the other person to get ready instead of pressure them. This couple is quiite young (21-23). I can tell you I changed a lot from that age to 26 and as either the gf or bf would be weary of committing to forever too soon at that age. Have you seen the divorce rate for younger couples? Also, there is something to be said about both parties establishing themselves with their careers and I know a lot of men who want and need to do that before settling down. A lot of people at this age haven''t even left their parents home. I don''t know this couples situation, but there was a post a while back about a girl who really wanted to get engaged but her bf couldn''t save that much cause he had to pay for his own cell phone and car insurance (doesn''t every adult?) I think there is a lot to be said about getting established.

Anyway, to all those out there waiting if I could talk to myself two months ago, I would say stop being a nagging impatient girlfriend. You know he is going to propose so start practicing patience and kiss him lots (I did do that). Also, please don''t listen to the people who tell you to leave the love of your life because he isn''t ready this second and don''t know the two of you. I found it better to talk to my friends who know us as couple and how we are together and even our problems and listen to them. All of them said EK is absolutely perfect for you and you need to stop being impatient!!!

I haven''t seen your thread that you referenced so I don''t know what people told you or what is making you so angry but no one in this thread has been man bashing or telling her to leave the love of her life. People are advocating TALKING to the love of her life. If he is not ready for marriage, then he should be honest with her and let her know that. With that knowledge, SHE can decide whether she wants to stay and wait or go in a different direction.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/11/2009 3:15:15 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting
I appreciate you taking this as a personal situation and not just saying ''leave him'' which is easier to say to a stranger.

I haven''t seen anyone saying "leave him" ... I think people are tying to say don''t just hold out blind hope ... look at this with a critical eye. Prepare yourself for both possible outcomes. Where you may think the decision to *buy* the ring was the key one that led down an unstoppable road ... people''s feelings & desires DO sometimes change. Especially as the "moment of truth" looms. It would be irresponsible to say just forget about the OTHER possibility & KEEP ON HOPIN ON.

But the *real* issue as I see it is why is this topic the "third rail"? Shouldn''t you be able to calmly discuss everything with a future partner? If he''s too stuck on HIS view & HIS wants & HIS idea of surprise etc & not respectful of YOUR needs ... that doesn''t bode well for a *mutual* loving relationship in the long run. JMHO.

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

elle-again I appreciate your anger on my behalf, and while I totally understand where you are coming from, I think you are taking the comment my boyfriend made out of context. He didnt mean "you make me not want to do it" as in EVER, more ''put me off because the more you bring it up the more it isnt a surprise". I still dont appreicate that he said that, and like many said "act like its my fault we arent engaged yet", but similar to what NakedFinger said, I do realize how bringing it up can ruin plans.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 11/11/2009 3:25:53 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting
elle-again I appreciate your anger on my behalf, and while I totally understand where you are coming from, I think you are taking the comment my boyfriend made out of context. He didnt mean ''you make me not want to do it'' as in EVER, more ''put me off because the more you bring it up the more it isnt a surprise''. I still dont appreicate that he said that, and like many said ''act like its my fault we arent engaged yet'', but similar to what NakedFinger said, I do realize how bringing it up can ruin plans.

Sorry if I took it out of context, I just have seen so many stories like that, that I kind of maybe put too much emphasis on it.

I still think a year is too long to hold on to a ring, and you should definitely have a talk with your BF and figure out what the hold up is!

I just hate to see another girl wait around indefinitely and get her heart broken. I hope your BF has better intentions than I''ve given him credit for!

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

Deco- Absolutely! That I agree with. While I understand it isnt just about me, it isnt just about him either, and we should be able to have a conversation about our future without me being in the dark on things. He does talk about marriage, wants to get married this year, put together his guest list, and have talked about kids, etc. So I dont feel he is never going to propose. I have said to him at a point of frustration "If you dont want to marry me, its ok, just tell me so I am not wasting my time. You have to be fair to me", and he looked at me like I had ten heads and said "WHAT? Are you serious?? You dont think I want to? I love you, of courseI want to..etc etc"

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

Date: 11/11/2009 3:28:40 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Sorry if I took it out of context, I just have seen so many stories like that, that I kind of maybe put too much emphasis on it.

I still think a year is too long to hold on to a ring, and you should definitely have a talk with your BF and figure out what the hold up is!

I just hate to see another girl wait around indefinitely and get her heart broken. I hope your BF has better intentions than I've given him credit for!

Dont apologize, I was just letting you know how he meant it. Unless I took it out of context!

I hope so too! And i appreciate your concern. I will be speaking with him tonight!

 

[lilyfoot]

Wow, Waiting, you''ve got quite the thread here! I''m glad you''ve decided to speak to your BF tonight, please come back and let us know how it went. Good luck!

 

[Laila619]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:56:39 PM
Author: elledizzy5
Man. When DH proposed he could barely hold onto the ring for 2 days, let alone a whole year!

I agree with deco, there is an acceptable amount of time to hold onto it if you're waiting for something in particular or it takes a while to plan. But a year? And you WANTING to get engaged to him so badly actually (albeit, the comment was passive aggressive...) makes him say 'Now I dont want to ?' He's messing with your head, and making YOU feel like the reason you're not engaged yet. A ring is not a freaking carrot to dangle over someones head.

Something is wrong there.

Personally, if I were you, I'd give him the holidays. Then I'd be gone. A year is plenty.

Please keep in mind that i am in a particuarly terrible mood today, and this thread made me really P.O.'ed at your BF.

Gotta agree with this.

Most of the time, the guy is just *dying* to propose once they finally get the ring. All you have to do is read Rocky Talky on this forum to see the nervous guys saying they absolutely cannot wait to have the ring in hand and propose.

 

[FrekeChild]

We first started dating May 5th 2006.
We went ring shopping February 2007.
We got engaged December 2008.

That''s just under 2 years from when we first went ring shopping. I just about lost my head.

And you know what? After it was all said and done, he said he waited too long and he should have done it a year earlier. And because of extenuating circumstances, he had to rush the ring buying process.

You need to talk. Keep emotion out of it and be calm and rational.

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

Date: 11/11/2009 4:29:49 PM
Author: Laila619

Date: 11/10/2009 1:56:39 PM

Author: elledizzy5

Man. When DH proposed he could barely hold onto the ring for 2 days, let alone a whole year!


I agree with deco, there is an acceptable amount of time to hold onto it if you're waiting for something in particular or it takes a while to plan. But a year? And you WANTING to get engaged to him so badly actually (albeit, the comment was passive aggressive...) makes him say 'Now I dont want to ?' He's messing with your head, and making YOU feel like the reason you're not engaged yet. A ring is not a freaking carrot to dangle over someones head.


Something is wrong there.


Personally, if I were you, I'd give him the holidays. Then I'd be gone. A year is plenty.


Please keep in mind that i am in a particuarly terrible mood today, and this thread made me really P.O.'ed at your BF.

Gotta agree with this.


Most of the time, the guy is just *dying* to propose once they finally get the ring. All you have to do is read Rocky Talky on this forum to see the nervous guys saying they absolutely cannot wait to have the ring in hand and propose.

Now see, I dont like this bolded comment...because that implies that if your SO doesnt rip open the bag/box and propose within minutes, or doesnt do it right away, that your relationship isnt as special or it isnt right and he doesnt want to marry you. Do I think 10 mnths is a long time to wait? Yes. But I dont appreciate it being insinuated that my bf doesnt love me or my relationship isnt right because he didnt do it right away. Again, why is there an LIW if all men "SHOULD" do it right away? There was an outpouring of support contrary to this comment supporting inhisarms in her post "not as special?", was everyone lying then? Not as Special? Post

 

[winelover23]

Date: 11/11/2009 5:02:39 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting

Date: 11/11/2009 4:29:49 PM
Author: Laila619

Date: 11/10/2009 1:56:39 PM

Author: elledizzy5

Man. When DH proposed he could barely hold onto the ring for 2 days, let alone a whole year!


I agree with deco, there is an acceptable amount of time to hold onto it if you''re waiting for something in particular or it takes a while to plan. But a year? And you WANTING to get engaged to him so badly actually (albeit, the comment was passive aggressive...) makes him say ''Now I dont want to ?'' He''s messing with your head, and making YOU feel like the reason you''re not engaged yet. A ring is not a freaking carrot to dangle over someones head.


Something is wrong there.


Personally, if I were you, I''d give him the holidays. Then I''d be gone. A year is plenty.


Please keep in mind that i am in a particuarly terrible mood today, and this thread made me really P.O.''ed at your BF.

Gotta agree with this.


Most of the time, the guy is just *dying* to propose once they finally get the ring. All you have to do is read Rocky Talky on this forum to see the nervous guys saying they absolutely cannot wait to have the ring in hand and propose.

Now see, I dont like this...because that implies that if your SO doesnt rip open the bag/box and propose within minutes, or doesnt do it right away, that your relationship isnt as special or it isnt right and he doesnt want to marry you. Do I think 10 mnths is a long time to wait? Yes. But I dont appreciate it being insinuated that my bf doesnt love me or my relationship isnt right because he didnt do it right away. Again, why is there an LIW if all men ''SHOULD'' do it right away? There was an outpouring of support contrary to this comment supporting inhisarms in her post ''not as special?'', was everyone lying then? Not as Special? Post

Yup I''m thinking MOST OF THE TIME is pretty off. If your man is anything like mine he plans things down to the gnats ass. Chin up butter cup

We all have different situations therefore none of us really fit into the "MOST OF THE TIME" box

 

[blueberrydot]

Date: 11/11/2009 5:02:39 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting

Date: 11/11/2009 4:29:49 PM


Now see, I dont like this...because that implies that if your SO doesnt rip open the bag/box and propose within minutes, or doesnt do it right away, that your relationship isnt as special or it isnt right and he doesnt want to marry you. Do I think 10 mnths is a long time to wait? Yes. But I dont appreciate it being insinuated that my bf doesnt love me or my relationship isnt right because he didnt do it right away. Again, why is there an LIW if all men 'SHOULD' do it right away? There was an outpouring of support contrary to this comment supporting inhisarms in her post 'not as special?', was everyone lying then? Not as Special? Post

I think there is one major difference between your post and Inhisarms' post that explains the wide divergence of opinions that have been given to each of you - you told us that your SO said you constantly bringing up engagement makes him "not want to do it." Inhisarms never said anything like that, and actually didn't really reference anything about her own relationship other than the fact that they've been together for many years. I don't think anyone is saying that there is something wrong with the fact that your SO hasn't asked you to marry him after being together for such a significant amount of time - the mitigating circumstances are what he has said to you (that, no matter what the context, has to sting), coupled with the fact that he's been holding onto the ring for so long.

I don't have any advice that's different from what anyone else has said - I hope your talk with him goes well and you get the answer and peace of mind that you are looking for. Good luck!

 

[nkarma]

Date: 11/11/2009 5:40:04 PM
Author: blueberrydot

Date: 11/11/2009 5:02:39 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting

Date: 11/11/2009 4:29:49 PM


Now see, I dont like this...because that implies that if your SO doesnt rip open the bag/box and propose within minutes, or doesnt do it right away, that your relationship isnt as special or it isnt right and he doesnt want to marry you. Do I think 10 mnths is a long time to wait? Yes. But I dont appreciate it being insinuated that my bf doesnt love me or my relationship isnt right because he didnt do it right away. Again, why is there an LIW if all men 'SHOULD' do it right away? There was an outpouring of support contrary to this comment supporting inhisarms in her post 'not as special?', was everyone lying then? Not as Special? Post

I think there is one major difference between your post and Inhisarms' post that explains the wide divergence of opinions that have been given to each of you - you told us that your SO said you constantly bringing up engagement makes him 'not want to do it.' Inhisarms never said anything like that, and actually didn't really reference anything about her own relationship other than the fact that they've been together for many years. I don't think anyone is saying that there is something wrong with the fact that your SO hasn't asked you to marry him after being together for such a significant amount of time - the mitigating circumstances are what he has said to you (that, no matter what the context, has to sting), coupled with the fact that he's been holding onto the ring for so long.

I don't have any advice that's different from what anyone else has said - I hope your talk with him goes well and you get the answer and peace of mind that you are looking for. Good luck!

I still think most of these reactions are complete over reactions. I guess you didn't technically say leave, but implied mind games and screwing with her. If my bf were doing those, I would leave whether you told me to or not.

She admittedly complained about him not knowing in a bitchy tone (like any of us would do if we were in the right mood or the right time of month) and he told her saying that and the way she said it made him not want to do it (like any of us would if we were about to suprise our love and ask them to marry them with a multi thousand dollar ring that you worked hard to earn and pick out). Is he supposed to just kneel down right there cause she complained to him? How completely anticlimatic, unromantic would that be. I feel like a lot of these responses are to something else completely. You never had an arguement or said something bitchy to your bf and he didn't like it and reacted the same. Blueberrydot, I know from your recent post that you have been in a misunderstanding regarding engagement rings and the bf decided to go against your wishes and said some very inconsiderate things.

Anyways, I think waiting has explained that A) she said something in a bitchy tone and then he responded similarly B) He really loves her, wants to suprise her, talks about marriage, so she really doesn't have much to worry about. They can hopefully talk in an honest non-confrontational talk tonight and she will find out where he's at timewise with getting engaged (which I feel like some posts are not encouraging her to do by telling her that he is not that into you and he is playing mind games).

Why was the fact that he bought the ring a bad sign too? Most sane people don't go buy a thousand dollar purchase that they can't return or recoup the value for if they aren't planning on using it.

ETA: I spend way too much time on this forum, I guess I don't see what the big deal is other than her hormones or whatever it is that makes us waiting ladies crazy.

 

[fuzzers]

I''m also going to disagree with Laila. Getting engaged is extremely different for men and women. Completely different emotions and thoughts involved. Sure, when a guy is absolutely READY, he will be excited to propose. But until then... he will employ stalling tactics. It''s not his fault. 90% of the time, women are ready to get engaged before their men. This puts a lot of pressure on men to propose before they''re ready! I know you''ve been dating 7 years, but you are both young. I''m not being condescending here... my BF and I are your ages. Please understand that he is not stalling because of YOU. He''s stalling because he''s not ready to make this change. It''s a HUGE step. It''s easy to take it as rejection. Your BF has stated that he wants to marry you, have kids with you, etc.... believe him! However, if you feel that you can''t wait for him any longer, you should begin to move on.

I apologize that I keep plugging this book, but His Cold Feet by Andrea Passman Cantell is really excellent.

Waiting, let us know how the talk goes!

 

[blueberrydot]

Date: 11/11/2009 6:43:04 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 11/11/2009 5:40:04 PM

Author: blueberrydot

Date: 11/11/2009 5:02:39 PM

Author: WaitingandWaiting

Date: 11/11/2009 4:29:49 PM



Now see, I dont like this...because that implies that if your SO doesnt rip open the bag/box and propose within minutes, or doesnt do it right away, that your relationship isnt as special or it isnt right and he doesnt want to marry you. Do I think 10 mnths is a long time to wait? Yes. But I dont appreciate it being insinuated that my bf doesnt love me or my relationship isnt right because he didnt do it right away. Again, why is there an LIW if all men 'SHOULD' do it right away? There was an outpouring of support contrary to this comment supporting inhisarms in her post 'not as special?', was everyone lying then? Not as Special? Post

I think there is one major difference between your post and Inhisarms' post that explains the wide divergence of opinions that have been given to each of you - you told us that your SO said you constantly bringing up engagement makes him 'not want to do it.' Inhisarms never said anything like that, and actually didn't really reference anything about her own relationship other than the fact that they've been together for many years. I don't think anyone is saying that there is something wrong with the fact that your SO hasn't asked you to marry him after being together for such a significant amount of time - the mitigating circumstances are what he has said to you (that, no matter what the context, has to sting), coupled with the fact that he's been holding onto the ring for so long.


I don't have any advice that's different from what anyone else has said - I hope your talk with him goes well and you get the answer and peace of mind that you are looking for. Good luck!

I still think most of these reactions are complete over reactions. I guess you didn't technically say leave, but implied mind games and screwing with her. If my bf were doing those, I would leave whether you told me to or not.


She admittedly complained about him not knowing in a bitchy tone (like any of us would do if we were in the right mood or the right time of month) and he told her saying that and the way she said it made him not want to do it (like any of us would if we were about to suprise our love and ask them to marry them with a multi thousand dollar ring that you worked hard to earn and pick out). Is he supposed to just kneel down right there cause she complained to him? How completely anticlimatic, unromantic would that be. I feel like a lot of these responses are to something else completely. You never had an arguement or said something bitchy to your bf and he didn't like it and reacted the same. Blueberrydot, I know from your recent post that you have been in a misunderstanding regarding engagement rings and the bf decided to go against your wishes and said some very inconsiderate things.


Anyways, I think waiting has explained that A) she said something in a bitchy tone and then he responded similarly B) He really loves her, wants to suprise her, talks about marriage, so she really doesn't have much to worry about. They can hopefully talk in an honest non-confrontational talk tonight and she will find out where he's at timewise with getting engaged (which I feel like some posts are not encouraging her to do by telling her that he is not that into you and he is playing mind games).


Why was the fact that he bought the ring a bad sign too? Most sane people don't go buy a thousand dollar purchase that they can't return or recoup the value for if they aren't planning on using it.


ETA: I spend way too much time on this forum, I guess I don't see what the big deal is other than her hormones or whatever it is that makes us waiting ladies crazy.

Whoa whoa whoa - my post was only to explain why Waiting and Inhisarms got different answers from the people on this forum, from what Waiting perceived to be the same situation. I pointed out that their two posts had very different dynamics. That was my one and only post regarding this subject! I didn't say anything judgmental about her situation, nor did I even offer my own opinion - I was simply explaining why Waiting got such different answers than Inhisarms. I'm so confused - where did I imply that he was playing mind games? I never said anything like that! And I would NEVER counsel her to leave her SO! Especially with my not knowing the true dynamic between them at all. I have no idea how you zeroed in on my rather benign post and decided I was telling her to end it all with her SO. What was my overreaction? My post was barely even a reaction, let alone an overreaction...

Yes, my boyfriend said that a picture of a ring that I liked was ugly, but believe me, my feelings were not hurt by that. Other people who posted on my thread assumed that perhaps that hurt my feelings, but if you go back and read it, I never said anything at all about it being hurtful to me. Was I disappointed that he didn't like it as much as I did? Yes. Did it hurt my feelings? Of course not! I googled a picture of a radiant cut and showed it to my boyfriend, and he thought it was ugly - well, everyone has different tastes. Furthermore, I think my boyfriend saying that a picture of a ring I liked was ugly is HIGHLY different from him saying something like "When you pick out an ugly ring like that, it makes me not want to propose to you."

Sorry if this is a thread jack, but I couldn't let people put words in my mouth

 

[Laila619]

Wait, I just agreed with everyone else (elledizzy, deco, etc.) who mentioned it being odd that he has had the ring for one year. I said once the guy GETS the ring, he usually can't hold on to it for long, just like others mentioned, and like I've seen on Rocky Talky.

 

[fuzzers]

There have been plenty of ladies on this site whose SOs have held onto the ring for 3 months, 6 months, even a year! Just pointing that out.

 

[Hera]

Coming first hand from someone who's boyfriend at the time had the ring for around ten months and was saying things like your boyfriend, I would definitely gets some answers. After requesting some solid answers from my boyfriend at the time, he told me he wasn't ready and couldn't give me an idea when he would be ready.
In the end, I didn't want to want to marry someone who couldn't decide if I was the one after 5 years.
A few months later, I met my husband and he proposed after a year and a half and on the same day he bought the ring.

P.S. That doesn't mean that relationships are not as special if there is a waiting period. There's perks to both in my opinion. One one hand, not waiting long shows excitement and on the other, it shows someone who is probably planning the perfect romantic proposal.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 11/11/2009 5:02:39 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting

Date: 11/11/2009 4:29:49 PM
Author: Laila619

Date: 11/10/2009 1:56:39 PM

Author: elledizzy5

Man. When DH proposed he could barely hold onto the ring for 2 days, let alone a whole year!


I agree with deco, there is an acceptable amount of time to hold onto it if you''re waiting for something in particular or it takes a while to plan. But a year? And you WANTING to get engaged to him so badly actually (albeit, the comment was passive aggressive...) makes him say ''Now I dont want to ?'' He''s messing with your head, and making YOU feel like the reason you''re not engaged yet. A ring is not a freaking carrot to dangle over someones head.


Something is wrong there.


Personally, if I were you, I''d give him the holidays. Then I''d be gone. A year is plenty.


Please keep in mind that i am in a particuarly terrible mood today, and this thread made me really P.O.''ed at your BF.

Gotta agree with this.


Most of the time, the guy is just *dying* to propose once they finally get the ring. All you have to do is read Rocky Talky on this forum to see the nervous guys saying they absolutely cannot wait to have the ring in hand and propose.

Now see, I dont like this bolded comment...because that implies that if your SO doesnt rip open the bag/box and propose within minutes, or doesnt do it right away, that your relationship isnt as special or it isnt right and he doesnt want to marry you. Do I think 10 mnths is a long time to wait? Yes. But I dont appreciate it being insinuated that my bf doesnt love me or my relationship isnt right because he didnt do it right away. Again, why is there an LIW if all men ''SHOULD'' do it right away? There was an outpouring of support contrary to this comment supporting inhisarms in her post ''not as special?'', was everyone lying then? Not as Special? Post

I wasn''t going to chime in because you''ve already gotten some great advice and seem to have a good head on your shoulders, but I''m just going to share my experience because I''ve been on both sides of the fence with the same man. And together we hashed out all of this in pre-marital counseling.

A man really does propose when he''s ready. I was with my husband for around 7 years when we got engaged. We had all the requisite discussions before moving in together establishing a timeline for marriage, family ,etc. He wasn''t trying to lead me on because more than anything he wanted to make me happy and he felt he SHOULD be ready for marriage, but he wasn''t. He even went as far as giving himself a deadline and awkwardly proposing at the end, but the fact that the engagement came about in that way made me realize that we weren''t on the same page. We had a very honest discussion about it and I ended the relationship and moved away.

Long story short, after some time apart and growth from both of us, my husband knew he wanted to marry me. The difference was like night and day. Whe n he initially contacted me I needed a few days to digest everything, but just a few days later, he surprised me with a trip to Paris and we were engaged. He was so giddy and literally could not hold it in--the ring was on my finger within hours of our arrival.

I bring this up because it''s the first thing that came up in pre-marital counseling. He was very honest with me and told me that if he was gung ho about marriage, he would have married me a lot sooner. That''s just the truth. It was up to me to accept that. I''ve always known that my husband is very independent and to this day I know he could be very happy being alone and traveling the world, but he chose this life instead. The fact that it wasn''t a perfectly clear decision for him doesn''t bother me, but I''m glad we addresed it.

Anyway, I do think that if he were head over heels about marrying you, he would have already proposed. And I think it''s important for you to discuss it with him so it doesn''t eat at you. I just think that allowing him to be perfectly honest without getting upset with him is crucial because it''s the only way you''re going to get to the bottom of what''s keeping him from proposing. If he''s not ready, that''s fine, you might even be able to calm any nerves he might have. Good luck!

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

Nkarma- Thank you again for coming to my defense, I appreciate it. And ladies, again I appreciate all of your helpful feed back!

.....Ok, so I talked to him last night!. I just sat him down and asked what the hold up was. I told him I needed to know because almost a year seemed like an abnormally long time to hang on to a ring, and explained to him what I was going through. He opened up, I cried he cried, and the response, while refreshing that it has nothing to do with him wanting to marry me, opens up a whole new can of worms.

Basically he bought the ring last January because he had the money at the time, and wanted to buy it before “life” got in the way and caused him to put his savings elsewhere. Though buying it in January, he planned on giving it to me just before Easter, so that when we saw my family for Easter, we could celebrate our engagement. The week prior, he went to my father’s to ask him for his permission (or blessing). My dad said no, and proceeded to get angry with him. He basically said we are too young, and that my boyfriend needs to provide for me in the way that I deserve, and that his current situation is no way to enter into a marriage (at the time). My boyfriend knows how much my fathers approval means to me, and also knows that I would be sad about this news and furious with my father at the same time, so he didn’t tell my in fear it would ruin my relationship with my father (which he knows my dad means the world to me). Instead, he decided to prove to my father that he would be the husband I deserve, and re-ask when he felt appropriate. His intention was to have this done by Christmas, so that he could use that holiday as the happy occasion to celebrate our engagement (hopefully). He did spend the last year finishing school, looking for a job, getting established in a wonderful, well paying job, and really trying to prove to my father he is worthy of me. Hearing this made me cry. He explained that is why he got so frustrated with my “egging him on” comments so to speak, because he really was doing everything he could to marry me! He has plans within the next few weeks (wont tell me when, to keep element of surprise) to have lunch with my father and speak to him again. I have no doubt my father will respect his dedication to pleasing him and being there for me, and my father should give his blessing.

The only thing troubling me now is how disappointed I am in my father for doing this almost a year ago, and causing me the distress I have been in. Do I say something to him? Let it be? I know he had me in his best interests but its bothering me…..

 

[meresal]

Wow. Talk about left field.

IMO and how I "think" that I would handle it... If it were me, I would just be sure to talk up your bf in every possible way when around your dad. Let him know how happy you are and how proud you are of your bf for dedicating himself to success for the last year.

I'm really close with my dad, and I would see the whole thing as him looking out for me and my future. It's funny, but parents see ALOT of things that we as kids do not, and maybe your bf needed someone to light a little fire under him bum?

I'm glad you both were able to open up. I'm sure you feel like a weight has been lifted. Here's to hoping your dad sees all the effort that your bf has been putting in.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/11/2009 6:43:04 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 11/11/2009 5:40:04 PM
Author: blueberrydot

Date: 11/11/2009 5:02:39 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting

Date: 11/11/2009 4:29:49 PM


Now see, I dont like this...because that implies that if your SO doesnt rip open the bag/box and propose within minutes, or doesnt do it right away, that your relationship isnt as special or it isnt right and he doesnt want to marry you. Do I think 10 mnths is a long time to wait? Yes. But I dont appreciate it being insinuated that my bf doesnt love me or my relationship isnt right because he didnt do it right away. Again, why is there an LIW if all men 'SHOULD' do it right away? There was an outpouring of support contrary to this comment supporting inhisarms in her post 'not as special?', was everyone lying then? Not as Special? Post

I think there is one major difference between your post and Inhisarms' post that explains the wide divergence of opinions that have been given to each of you - you told us that your SO said you constantly bringing up engagement makes him 'not want to do it.' Inhisarms never said anything like that, and actually didn't really reference anything about her own relationship other than the fact that they've been together for many years. I don't think anyone is saying that there is something wrong with the fact that your SO hasn't asked you to marry him after being together for such a significant amount of time - the mitigating circumstances are what he has said to you (that, no matter what the context, has to sting), coupled with the fact that he's been holding onto the ring for so long.

I don't have any advice that's different from what anyone else has said - I hope your talk with him goes well and you get the answer and peace of mind that you are looking for. Good luck!

I still think most of these reactions are complete over reactions. I guess you didn't technically say leave, but implied mind games and screwing with her. If my bf were doing those, I would leave whether you told me to or not.

She admittedly complained about him not knowing in a bitchy tone (like any of us would do if we were in the right mood or the right time of month) and he told her saying that and the way she said it made him not want to do it (like any of us would if we were about to suprise our love and ask them to marry them with a multi thousand dollar ring that you worked hard to earn and pick out). Is he supposed to just kneel down right there cause she complained to him? How completely anticlimatic, unromantic would that be. I feel like a lot of these responses are to something else completely. You never had an arguement or said something bitchy to your bf and he didn't like it and reacted the same. Blueberrydot, I know from your recent post that you have been in a misunderstanding regarding engagement rings and the bf decided to go against your wishes and said some very inconsiderate things.

Anyways, I think waiting has explained that A) she said something in a bitchy tone and then he responded similarly B) He really loves her, wants to suprise her, talks about marriage, so she really doesn't have much to worry about. They can hopefully talk in an honest non-confrontational talk tonight and she will find out where he's at timewise with getting engaged (which I feel like some posts are not encouraging her to do by telling her that he is not that into you and he is playing mind games).

Why was the fact that he bought the ring a bad sign too? Most sane people don't go buy a thousand dollar purchase that they can't return or recoup the value for if they aren't planning on using it.

ETA: I spend way too much time on this forum, I guess I don't see what the big deal is other than her hormones or whatever it is that makes us waiting ladies crazy.

nkarma, honestly you're the only one I see overreacting on this thread. I know you have some axe to grind over previous advice you got but this is just ridiculous.

You obviously did not get the reference I was talking about with the he's just not into you episode. In the episode, the women were making lots of excuses for why the guy did not call when in reality it was because he did not want to. I was NOT saying that Waiting's BF was not "into her." Give me a break.

You've put words into lots of people's mouths on here. And why would anyone break up with their BF because someone told them to do so on an anonymous internet forum

If you come on the internet and tell us what a jerk your BF is being, don't then get upset when everyone thinks your BF is a jerk! We only know what you tell us!

Waiting, I'm really glad you had a talk with your boyfriend. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 11/12/2009 10:14:13 AM
Author: WaitingandWaiting
Nkarma- Thank you again for coming to my defense, I appreciate it. And ladies, again I appreciate all of your helpful feed back!

.....Ok, so I talked to him last night!. I just sat him down and asked what the hold up was. I told him I needed to know because almost a year seemed like an abnormally long time to hang on to a ring, and explained to him what I was going through. He opened up, I cried he cried, and the response, while refreshing that it has nothing to do with him wanting to marry me, opens up a whole new can of worms.

Basically he bought the ring last January because he had the money at the time, and wanted to buy it before “life” got in the way and caused him to put his savings elsewhere. Though buying it in January, he planned on giving it to me just before Easter, so that when we saw my family for Easter, we could celebrate our engagement. The week prior, he went to my father’s to ask him for his permission (or blessing). My dad said no, and proceeded to get angry with him. He basically said we are too young, and that my boyfriend needs to provide for me in the way that I deserve, and that his current situation is no way to enter into a marriage (at the time). My boyfriend knows how much my fathers approval means to me, and also knows that I would be sad about this news and furious with my father at the same time, so he didn’t tell my in fear it would ruin my relationship with my father (which he knows my dad means the world to me). Instead, he decided to prove to my father that he would be the husband I deserve, and re-ask when he felt appropriate. His intention was to have this done by Christmas, so that he could use that holiday as the happy occasion to celebrate our engagement (hopefully). He did spend the last year finishing school, looking for a job, getting established in a wonderful, well paying job, and really trying to prove to my father he is worthy of me. Hearing this made me cry. He explained that is why he got so frustrated with my “egging him on” comments so to speak, because he really was doing everything he could to marry me! He has plans within the next few weeks (wont tell me when, to keep element of surprise) to have lunch with my father and speak to him again. I have no doubt my father will respect his dedication to pleasing him and being there for me, and my father should give his blessing.

The only thing troubling me now is how disappointed I am in my father for doing this almost a year ago, and causing me the distress I have been in. Do I say something to him? Let it be? I know he had me in his best interests but its bothering me…..

Man! That actually made me tear up a little! I told DH about it too, because we were talking about your situation last night.

Glad to hear your BF is a stand-up guy. So reassuring!

I''m not sure what to tell you about the dad situation, but I do wish the best of luck and I hope this proposal comes quickly for you!

 

[winelover23]

Just goes to show that there is always more to the story...This is great news and I gotta say I''m w/ Elle and kinda teared up. Knowing that your BF has worked so hard to impress your Father is so endeering. What a stand-up guy. Crossing my fingers for a holiday proposal for you!

 

[caribari]

Wow! So glad that you got the real story, you must feel so much better.

Have you ever spoken with you dad about marrying your SO? You might just initiate a conversation (NOT about his denial), but maybe about marriage in general, and see what he says. Though I hate to admit it, my parents usually have pretty wise perspective on situations. It might be useful to hear what your dad has to say.