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bubbly1126

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 6, 2007
Messages
969
This question may have been asked once before but...

Do any of you who have been together a long time (FF and I= 6 years) ever feel as though your relationship isn''t as special and/or strong, or as though their SO doesn''t love them as much as those who get engaged very quickly?

It''s all probably poor wording but I think you get the point of my question...

Anyone?
 

PrincessLily2009

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
96
Well, SO and I have only been together 2 years, but, surprisingly, people have made me feel bad about us not being engaged. My mother was engaged at 19 after 4 months of dating. They were married 8 months later. (No, she was not pregnant.) They bought a house the next year. She would ALWAYS remind me of this, and she would make comments like, "when you know, you just know." They were both in school, and my dad was still living at home when they got engaged, so she doesn''t really "buy" my SO''s reasons for waiting. I can''t even talk to her about him, because she ends up saying something to make me feel bad.
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2008
Messages
3,899
Date: 2/13/2009 8:30:32 AM
Author: PrincessLily2009
Well, SO and I have only been together 2 years, but, surprisingly, people have made me feel bad about us not being engaged. My mother was engaged at 19 after 4 months of dating. They were married 8 months later. (No, she was not pregnant.) They bought a house the next year. She would ALWAYS remind me of this, and she would make comments like, ''when you know, you just know.'' They were both in school, and my dad was still living at home when they got engaged, so she doesn''t really ''buy'' my SO''s reasons for waiting. I can''t even talk to her about him, because she ends up saying something to make me feel bad.
I think it goes for each group - if its a "quick" engagement then people say one thing. If you have been together for a long time, then its another. I like what someone else said "Its not who''s at the alter first, but who''s together at the finish". I think that can go for ANY type of relation.
 

bubbly1126

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 6, 2007
Messages
969
Date: 2/13/2009 8:30:32 AM
Author: PrincessLily2009
Well, SO and I have only been together 2 years, but, surprisingly, people have made me feel bad about us not being engaged. My mother was engaged at 19 after 4 months of dating. They were married 8 months later. (No, she was not pregnant.) They bought a house the next year. She would ALWAYS remind me of this, and she would make comments like, ''when you know, you just know.'' They were both in school, and my dad was still living at home when they got engaged, so she doesn''t really ''buy'' my SO''s reasons for waiting. I can''t even talk to her about him, because she ends up saying something to make me feel bad.
Wow, your mom makes you feel bad?! Luckily, none of my family (except my bro, but his opinion doesn''t matter to be honest) have ever made comments about us not being engaged yet. They all tell me it''ll happen when it''s supposed to. I''m sorry that your mom does that to you.

People have told me that when you know, you know. Which makes me think FF doesn''t even know if I''m the one yet. Which probably isn''t true... but still, you know what LIW-itis does to you.
 

bubbly1126

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 6, 2007
Messages
969
Date: 2/13/2009 8:42:25 AM
Author: jcarlylew
Date: 2/13/2009 8:30:32 AM

Author: PrincessLily2009

Well, SO and I have only been together 2 years, but, surprisingly, people have made me feel bad about us not being engaged. My mother was engaged at 19 after 4 months of dating. They were married 8 months later. (No, she was not pregnant.) They bought a house the next year. She would ALWAYS remind me of this, and she would make comments like, ''when you know, you just know.'' They were both in school, and my dad was still living at home when they got engaged, so she doesn''t really ''buy'' my SO''s reasons for waiting. I can''t even talk to her about him, because she ends up saying something to make me feel bad.

I think it goes for each group - if its a ''quick'' engagement then people say one thing. If you have been together for a long time, then its another. I like what someone else said ''Its not who''s at the alter first, but who''s together at the finish''. I think that can go for ANY type of relation.
I love that! Thank you so much for saying that!
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
In His arms.

Darling, HUGS! OK. I get what you''re getting at. But no. I never felt my relationship was less special than someone else''s because the got on the Ringtrain faster. ENVIOUS? YES. I do think that we all have our own relationship timeline, that is unique to you and your partner. When it moves sooo much slower than everyone elses... doubt creeps in.

"Am I wasting my time?"
"Does he even WANT to marry me?"
"How long should I wait before I leave?"

These are normal feelings of angst. But instead of teenage angst, it is another form.

It all depends on what other factors are going on in your lives. I do think though, that at 6 years, you have REALLY learned about the person. And it is almost another form of relationship all in itself... and honestly cannot be compared to a much quicker courting relationship.

My girlfriend compares her relationship to mine... OFTEN. It sucks. She does it to like, be better, or do it better, than she perceived I did. But, honestly, I am happy. My and my DH dated for 3 years before getting hitched. I was engaged at the 2 1/2 year mark and we were married a little after 3 years. I was okay with the first year and a half of the courting. the last year was agonizing. Looking back now, it really wasn''t that long... but it WAS for OUR relationship. There were just A LOT of other factors he was considering that didn''t even PHASE me! We talk about it now, and I am like... HUH? THAT MATTERED? But I get it.
Now my girlfriend dated her FI for 10 months before being engaged, and she moved in with him at 4 months. She was begging for a ring at 6 months. I thought THAT was fast. But it wasn''t fast for her... well that is what I thought. Then she called me upset that she didn''t feel this engagement thing was working because she feels as she hasn''t gotten to know her FI better.
To which I replied, the engagement is not a getting to know you phase, that was what the dating phase was all about. She disagrees. Something tells me you are on the getting to know you boat.

Long story short... some people have a faster deadline, that they rush. there is a lot more to my girlfriend''s story which makes me wonder if they''ll be in the 51% ... I just won''t go into that. But you can rest assured, you know YOUR FF. You know him well. It''s been said before, not to compare yourself to others... but that is true. You don''t really know what you are comparing it against. You have a house built on a solid foundation... some people rush, and build a house on the beach... on sand. One major storm goes through, and they may not be able to repair their house. You on the other hand, picked a great spot. Worked hard at the foundation. built the house on a solid structure with materials that were made to last. If a great storm goes through, you may have a few cracks in your mortor... but it will still stand.

HUGS!
 

bubbly1126

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 6, 2007
Messages
969
Date: 2/13/2009 9:02:26 AM
Author: tlh
In His arms.


Darling, HUGS! OK. I get what you''re getting at. But no. I never felt my relationship was less special than someone else''s because the got on the Ringtrain faster. ENVIOUS? YES. I do think that we all have our own relationship timeline, that is unique to you and your partner. When it moves sooo much slower than everyone elses... doubt creeps in.


''Am I wasting my time?''

''Does he even WANT to marry me?''

''How long should I wait before I leave?''


These are normal feelings of angst. But instead of teenage angst, it is another form.


It all depends on what other factors are going on in your lives. I do think though, that at 6 years, you have REALLY learned about the person. And it is almost another form of relationship all in itself... and honestly cannot be compared to a much quicker courting relationship.


My girlfriend compares her relationship to mine... OFTEN. It sucks. She does it to like, be better, or do it better, than she perceived I did. But, honestly, I am happy. My and my DH dated for 3 years before getting hitched. I was engaged at the 2 1/2 year mark and we were married a little after 3 years. I was okay with the first year and a half of the courting. the last year was agonizing. Looking back now, it really wasn''t that long... but it WAS for OUR relationship. There were just A LOT of other factors he was considering that didn''t even PHASE me! We talk about it now, and I am like... HUH? THAT MATTERED? But I get it.

Now my girlfriend dated her FI for 10 months before being engaged, and she moved in with him at 4 months. She was begging for a ring at 6 months. I thought THAT was fast. But it wasn''t fast for her... well that is what I thought. Then she called me upset that she didn''t feel this engagement thing was working because she feels as she hasn''t gotten to know her FI better.

To which I replied, the engagement is not a getting to know you phase, that was what the dating phase was all about. She disagrees. Something tells me you are on the getting to know you boat.


Long story short... some people have a faster deadline, that they rush. there is a lot more to my girlfriend''s story which makes me wonder if they''ll be in the 51% ... I just won''t go into that. But you can rest assured, you know YOUR FF. You know him well. It''s been said before, not to compare yourself to others... but that is true. You don''t really know what you are comparing it against. You have a house built on a solid foundation... some people rush, and build a house on the beach... on sand. One major storm goes through, and they may not be able to repair their house. You on the other hand, picked a great spot. Worked hard at the foundation. built the house on a solid structure with materials that were made to last. If a great storm goes through, you may have a few cracks in your mortor... but it will still stand.


HUGS!
Wow, I can''t really think of anything else to say right now but thank you. Seriously. Your words have really hit home. Thank you SO much!
 

ckrickett

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 26, 2008
Messages
5,348
Date: 2/13/2009 9:00:58 AM
Author: inhisarms17

Date: 2/13/2009 8:42:25 AM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 2/13/2009 8:30:32 AM

Author: PrincessLily2009

Well, SO and I have only been together 2 years, but, surprisingly, people have made me feel bad about us not being engaged. My mother was engaged at 19 after 4 months of dating. They were married 8 months later. (No, she was not pregnant.) They bought a house the next year. She would ALWAYS remind me of this, and she would make comments like, ''when you know, you just know.'' They were both in school, and my dad was still living at home when they got engaged, so she doesn''t really ''buy'' my SO''s reasons for waiting. I can''t even talk to her about him, because she ends up saying something to make me feel bad.

I think it goes for each group - if its a ''quick'' engagement then people say one thing. If you have been together for a long time, then its another. I like what someone else said ''Its not who''s at the alter first, but who''s together at the finish''. I think that can go for ANY type of relation.
I love that! Thank you so much for saying that!
me too!
 

NakedFinger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2009
Messages
690
Hi inhisarms-

I SOOOO know what you are talking about. As I'm sure you've seen in my previous posts, I always get the "WHAT EIGHT YEARS??? WHAT IS HE WAITING FOR?" etc etc. And i do hear about all these people that get engaged very quickly because "when they know they know"......

Ok hear it goes.....I'm not going to knock anyone who has a quick engagement. Some people really do just know instantly, and have the connection/foundation to make things last. My bf's aunt and uncle got engaged after two weeks, and have been married for 50 years. My parents met at 12, my father said "I met the woman I am going to marry" to his mother, they instantly fell in love and they dated until they graduated HS, got married, and have been married for 27 years. So yes, it does work. SOMETIMES. However, I feel that a lot of the reason there is a 51% divorce rate is all these people that say they "know" dont really. Like Studies show that one of the biggest reasons couples get divorced, is because they confuse lust, infatuation, etc. as the "real thing" and get married without the concept that it takes a lot more than that to make a marriage work. And for some people, it takes longer to determine/establish those things. Like tlh said.....she thinks her friend that got engaged isnt going to make it. Thats because she thought the "getting to know you" part was after engagement? Not so much.

So...i wouldnt let it bother you that people say "when you know you know". One comment that really touched me in one of my previous posts, was a girl said "I commend you for being with your bf for 8 years, and not rushing things". So do I like that SO and I have been together for so long, have a history, and know we can make it work? YES. Do I wish it came a little quicker than eight years?? YES :) (maybe 6 lol)
 

miss_flo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2007
Messages
401
Date: 2/13/2009 9:02:26 AM
Author: tlh
To which I replied, the engagement is not a getting to know you phase, that was what the dating phase was all about. She disagrees.
I''m definitely with you on that point! An engagement is not the same as a courtship, it is an AFFIRMATION of that commitment. If two people don''t know each other well enough to cover the basic concerns of a marriage (children, finances, health issues, career goals, whatever), then they shouldn''t be engaged. It drives me nuts when people rush to the alter simply because it''s all so romantic and passionate, because I tend to be the one my friends turn to when they realize their marriages are not all shiny and "perfect" any more.

To the OP: I do get that feeling often from the friends who get engaged quickly. I also get flack from the other direction - the friends who have dated longer than me. It''s all a stupid competition of insecurities, so I stay out of it because I''m comfortable and confident and I want to stay that way :)
 

miss_flo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2007
Messages
401
Date: 2/13/2009 9:22:33 AM
Author: NakedFinger
I feel that a lot of the reason there is a 51% divorce rate is all these people that say they ''know'' dont really. Like Studies show that one of the biggest reasons couples get divorced, is because they confuse lust, infatuation, etc. as the ''real thing'' and get married without the concept that it takes a lot more than that to make a marriage work. And for some people, it takes longer to determine/establish those things.
That''s exactly it. Most of us "knew" we wanted to marry our S/O''s pretty early on, but not all us felt the need to express that formally with a ring and a wedding and a brand new house. That''s not my "American Dream." I love that my relationship was built on a slow, satisfying, sustainable foundation rather than an impulsive, temporary high. I won''t criticize those who did it that way so long as they''re happy, but I have absolutely NO pity whatsoever for people who divorce because the "fire" is gone. I haven''t been a girlfriend for nearly as long as you have, NF, but I have nothing but admiration for your patience. Dating for a long time may not guarantee a marriage''s success, but it certainly increases the odds infinitely.
 

Bia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 28, 2008
Messages
6,181
I agree with what everyone said. Every couple has their own timeline. The problem arises when one person has been ready for a long time and the other just can''t seem to get there.

It took us over 6 years, and we''re in love. But my brother, he wasted no time, and got engaged after 8-9 months. Is his relationship better than mine? No way...but mine isn''t better than his either. We''re just different.


My point: Don''t worry about people judging your relationship because they will, no matter how "perfect" it is. People judge. It sucks, but it won''t change.
 

lovebug1031

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 18, 2008
Messages
348
Date: 2/13/2009 9:02:26 AM
Author: tlh
In His arms.


Darling, HUGS! OK. I get what you''re getting at. But no. I never felt my relationship was less special than someone else''s because the got on the Ringtrain faster. ENVIOUS? YES. I do think that we all have our own relationship timeline, that is unique to you and your partner. When it moves sooo much slower than everyone elses... doubt creeps in.


''Am I wasting my time?''

''Does he even WANT to marry me?''

''How long should I wait before I leave?''


These are normal feelings of angst. But instead of teenage angst, it is another form.


It all depends on what other factors are going on in your lives. I do think though, that at 6 years, you have REALLY learned about the person. And it is almost another form of relationship all in itself... and honestly cannot be compared to a much quicker courting relationship.


My girlfriend compares her relationship to mine... OFTEN. It sucks. She does it to like, be better, or do it better, than she perceived I did. But, honestly, I am happy. My and my DH dated for 3 years before getting hitched. I was engaged at the 2 1/2 year mark and we were married a little after 3 years. I was okay with the first year and a half of the courting. the last year was agonizing. Looking back now, it really wasn''t that long... but it WAS for OUR relationship. There were just A LOT of other factors he was considering that didn''t even PHASE me! We talk about it now, and I am like... HUH? THAT MATTERED? But I get it.

Now my girlfriend dated her FI for 10 months before being engaged, and she moved in with him at 4 months. She was begging for a ring at 6 months. I thought THAT was fast. But it wasn''t fast for her... well that is what I thought. Then she called me upset that she didn''t feel this engagement thing was working because she feels as she hasn''t gotten to know her FI better.

To which I replied, the engagement is not a getting to know you phase, that was what the dating phase was all about. She disagrees. Something tells me you are on the getting to know you boat.


Long story short... some people have a faster deadline, that they rush. there is a lot more to my girlfriend''s story which makes me wonder if they''ll be in the 51% ... I just won''t go into that. But you can rest assured, you know YOUR FF. You know him well. It''s been said before, not to compare yourself to others... but that is true. You don''t really know what you are comparing it against. You have a house built on a solid foundation... some people rush, and build a house on the beach... on sand. One major storm goes through, and they may not be able to repair their house. You on the other hand, picked a great spot. Worked hard at the foundation. built the house on a solid structure with materials that were made to last. If a great storm goes through, you may have a few cracks in your mortor... but it will still stand.


HUGS!
Wow, I can''t really think of anything else to say right now but thank you. Seriously. Your words have really hit home. Thank you SO much!





________________________________________________________________________________________
[Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles- it empties today of its strength.]

[[If all we''ve got is us then life''s worth living. And if you''re in, you know I''m in. I''m ready and I''m willing.]]






I just wanted to second that thank you! I''m on this timeline thing and having a hard time getting away from that! I will be saving this thread to my favs and re-reading it often!
 

KatM

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 24, 2007
Messages
218
i don''t feel that it isn''t as special, but there is a part of me that wonders why it appears to be so much easier for other people than it seems to be for us. in the end, it''s just our personalities. i have to think about things for a long time before coming to a set decision, even if basically knew early on. bf is very similar. between the two of us, we can take quite a while to come to a decision (but once we make it, it''s more or less set in stone. i find this quite comforting).

i think also that the longer you are dating someone, the more relationships you see begin and end. we haven''t even been together an extraordinarily long time (~3.5 years), but over the course of our relationship i have seen several couples meet, date, get married and get divorced. it only reinforces to me that things might not always be what they appear, and i should focus only on what is right for us in our own circumstances.
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
I was all set and ready to reply to this and then decided to read the responses first and that has definitely helped me to see another perspective.

FF and I have been together for 5.5 years. We have had our ups and downs and sometimes I have wondered if our relationship is still special or really as strong as others. I always tend to looks at our parents when I relate things. They have a strong, caring, loving, special relationship, in my eyes. So I look at that and think "are we that strong?" I finally voiced my opinion to my mom and she said I am only seeing what I choose to see. Those relationships I''ve constantly compared with mine have had there ups and downs, arguing, questions, etc and my mom helped me to realize that not everything is as perfect as it seems. FF and I have been through a lot and buillt a lot on our relationship that has been able to withstand the past 5.5 years. I love that and it makes me realize that we can get through anything and that to me makes our relationship feel more special.

Sometimes it takes an outside source to see this or simply reading another PSers post. Those of us who have been together a long time have built a strong foundation and we do know each other. That is a great thing. I also want to thank the other psers for their posts. It really helps me to see other relationships, especially those who have already been in our position. Now when I start to question or think otherwise I am going to look back to this thread. Thank you. :)
 

Dreamgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 25, 2008
Messages
5,070
I've never felt like anyone's relationship was any better than mine. I guess because I feel that SO and I have something very special....a once in a lifetime thing. A bit of a fairytale if you will.

Now, I do feel bad when I find people I know who get engaged/married before me because we have been together so long (10 years) but every circumstance is different and I honestly think we've been together this long and been through a lot, we can survive anything. Maybe people I know don't have as strong as a relationship with their husbands/fiance's because they don't know each other as much as SO and I do. Maybe they will end up divorced because they learn more about each other after being married instead of before hand.

And when our time comes, it will be spectacular!
 

purselover

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
I''ve never doubted for even a second that our relationship isn''t as special or that he doesn''t love me enough, I know he''s excited to marry me and that there''s just no rush
 
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