when do I stop waiting?

[WaitingandWaiting]

Ladies- I need to come to you for support since I am at a loss of what to do. I am starting to feel sick to my stomach, on edge, frazzled, you name it.

I have been with my bf just for a little over 7 years. We live together, have a great relationship, etc, other than the fact that I am waiting to get engaged and its driving me nuts. He has the ring, I know what you’re thinking “girl you’re better off than some of us, quit complaining”, but he has been hanging onto this thing for almost a year. I didn’t say anything sooner, because I didn’t want to “ruin it” but now I am at the point where I am beside myself with anxiety, to the point where it is consuming my every thought, and preventing me from functioning. When I say things like, “Oh my friend Lisa is getting engaged. Its only been 6 months. But I guess when you know you know”, he gets p*ssed off, and tells me “when you say stuff like that, you make me not want to do it”. Maybe he is planning for x-mas, maybe its coming and I don’t know it, but every day that passes buy and it doesn’t happen, I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. I don’t know if he just doesn’t understand what this does to me, or if he just doesn’t care?? I said to him last month that it would mean the world to me if we got engaged before the holidays, still nothing. If he doesn’t do it, what does that mean? I just don’t know what to do anymore, and how much longer I should wait without him proposing (and having the ring) before it means he just isn’t going to do it? HELP!

 

[winelover23]

I don''t have much advice because my BF too has the ring and it is enough to drive a girl insane! It''s hard to understand why men buy the ring but then hold onto it. I only know that they are just wired so differently than women. They are so methodical about everything. I think if he purchased the ring that he intends to give it to you and all you can do is try and be patient. Is there anyway you can have a civil conversation w/ him about how you are feeling w/o him getting defensive?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:42:01 PM
Author:WaitingandWaiting
When I say things like ''Oh my friend Lisa is getting engaged. Its only been 6 months. But I guess when you know you know'' he gets p*ssed off, and tells me ''when you say stuff like that, you make me not want to do it''

This single line jumps out at me. People tell you what they''re thinking. "You make me not want to do it". There have been cases around here where someone has had the ring for 1 year plus and it has resulted in a breakup, not an engagement. Six months could be waiting for a special event or trip or something. A year? What are you telling yourself about it? That he''s waiting for the right moment or that he''s having cold feet? What does your GUT say?

 

[Jessie702]

Okay, most ladies are probably gonna disagree with me, but it might be time for you to sit down and tell him everything you told us. Try not to get emotional about it, because that might scare him. Ask him how he would feel if he were in your shoes, escpially since you care for him so much. 7 years is a long time for him to be stalling now. Just my 2 cents, ill probably have more to say when i wake up

 

[Lauren8211]

Man. When DH proposed he could barely hold onto the ring for 2 days, let alone a whole year!

I agree with deco, there is an acceptable amount of time to hold onto it if you''re waiting for something in particular or it takes a while to plan. But a year? And you WANTING to get engaged to him so badly actually (albeit, the comment was passive aggressive...) makes him say "Now I dont want to ?" He''s messing with your head, and making YOU feel like the reason you''re not engaged yet. A ring is not a freaking carrot to dangle over someones head.

Something is wrong there.

Personally, if I were you, I''d give him the holidays. Then I''d be gone. A year is plenty.

Please keep in mind that i am in a particuarly terrible mood today, and this thread made me really P.O.''ed at your BF.

 

[winelover23]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:56:39 PM
Author: elledizzy5
Man. When DH proposed he could barely hold onto the ring for 2 days, let alone a whole year!

I agree with deco, there is an acceptable amount of time to hold onto it if you''re waiting for something in particular or it takes a while to plan. But a year? And you WANTING to get engaged to him so badly actually (albeit, the comment was passive aggressive...) makes him say ''Now I dont want to ?'' He''s messing with your head, and making YOU feel like the reason you''re not engaged yet. A ring is not a freaking carrot to dangle over someones head.

Something is wrong there.

Personally, if I were you, I''d give him the holidays. Then I''d be gone. A year is plenty.

Please keep in mind that i am in a particuarly terrible mood today, and this thread made me really P.O.''ed at your BF.

You''re scaring me.

 

[MrsHToBe]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:48:10 PM
Author: winelover23
It''s hard to understand why men buy the ring but then hold onto it. I only know that they are just wired so differently than women. They are so methodical about everything. I think if he purchased the ring that he intends to give it to you and all you can do is try and be patient. Is there anyway you can have a civil conversation w/ him about how you are feeling w/o him getting defensive?

+1

 

[NakedFinger]

While I dont really like the way he responded either, "make me not want to do it", I do have some advice my mom had given me that I had mentioned before. "You had bought his b-day gift a month earlier, and we're so excited to give it to him and surprise him. How would you feel if he kept saying 'i really want X, can you get me X, when can I get X', it would ruin the fun for you wouldnt it? Its kind of the same for this. You bringing it up all the time, and asking him WHEN he is going to do it, takes all the fun out of planning a surprise proposal and making it special. So stop bringing it up!"

I agree with her, that nagging him about it or dropping hints like friends getting engaged probably doesnt help if he is planning it for the holidays. However, I wouldnt say NEVER bring it up, maybe do what Elle said and wait until after the holidays. Try not to say ANYTHING until then, and then afterwards...if nothing, bring it up.

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:48:31 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/10/2009 1:42:01 PM
Author:WaitingandWaiting
When I say things like ''Oh my friend Lisa is getting engaged. Its only been 6 months. But I guess when you know you know'' he gets p*ssed off, and tells me ''when you say stuff like that, you make me not want to do it''

This single line jumps out at me. People tell you what they''re thinking. ''You make me not want to do it''. There have been cases around here where someone has had the ring for 1 year plus and it has resulted in a breakup, not an engagement. Six months could be waiting for a special event or trip or something. A year? What are you telling yourself about it? That he''s waiting for the right moment or that he''s having cold feet? What does your GUT say?

Honestly, my BF would be shot if he said something like that to me. I know myself, and I know I''d run my mouth and say something like, "I''m terribly sorry my excitement about starting the rest of our lives is keeping you from enjoying the fact that you love me and want to marry me. How thoughtless. I''ll be sure not to talk about it any more." Because it''s a surprise, yes, but it''s also a commitment, and making this kind of commitment work requires shared goals and communication. He seems to be lacking both right now.

Now, if you''re sitting there thinking, "That''s not my BF at all!" maybe I''m wrong, and he''s really just waiting for the right time (though seriously, after a year, all the holidays have already happened - what''s he waiting for, the one year anniversary of buying the ring?????). You know him best.

 

[ms.halo]

I think many of you have a much higher tolerance level than I do. I don''t think it''s fair to say that men are wired different than women because many of us had a much different experience than this one. My DH picked up my ring and proposed about an hour later--on a Monday. He couldn''t wait. I''m not saying ALL MEN are like this, I''m just saying that I''d start to get suspicious after about two or three months (and after six I''d have had a very serious conversation). Now is the time to sit him down and after your conversation decide on a game plan. You clearly can''t live like this forever and if he''s going to threaten you with not getting engaged if you bring it up, then he''s just a jerk. Sorry, that''s a bit harsh. But seriously, what''s his problem?! He''s going to pin this all on you so he doesn''t have to take any responsibility?

 

[Erin]

What were the circumstances of him buying the ring? Did you have input? Did he painstakingly search for the perfect one? Did he save a long time for it?

I''d hate to hear that he bought the ring under less than enthusiastic circumstances, but at least I''d be able to put some pieces of this puzzle together.

By the way, I waited a long time for a purchased ring (a little more than a year.) I was at witts end after dating five years. We broke up almost two years ago. He called me last weekend just to see how I am doing. Good thing cell phones have an ignore button. I am not a hard decision.

 

[luckynumber]

oh wow.

i have to say i totally understand why you said what you did, sometimes you just can''t help yourself when you''ve been waiting so long.

you have the patience of a saint, really.

i would never be able to wait that long.

isn''t it time for a heart to heart with him: why is he waiting sooooo long??

 

[purrfectpear]

If he bought the ring all by himself without much discussion, then I''d at least wait until after New Years in case he''s waiting for a holiday proposal.

On the other hand, if there had been a lot of hinting, discussing, and whining prior to the ring purchase, then I strongly suspect he bought a ring to shut you up and buy himself time. You''d be amazed how many men think in terms of "putting off the inevitable". Just like women hope that the guy will get his act together even when all signs are negative, men hope that women will magically forget about engagements and marriage, and be happy with status quo. Neither one is really dealing with reality.

Anything beyond a year is highly bizarre IMO.

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

Thank you ladies for your responses so far. Obviously, this is hard on me, and I appreciate your feed back good & bad.

Winelover-I know, I dont get his mentality at all. I'd like to think he didnt buy the ring not to use it, and its not like he ISNT talking about getting married, he does, so I just dont get what he's waiting for

Deco- I understand that, maybe he is trying to tell me something. He hasnt had the ring a year yet. I said "almost" a year, does that change anything?

He bought it just after the holidays last year (January). So the only thing I can think is he wants to do it for the holidays and thats why he waited? I dunno. My gut doesnt tell me he has cold feet, maybe just that he is in "no rush?" I don know.

Elle- Thank you for your shared aggravation on my behalf!

Naked- Thank you, that is good advice. And thats why I was trying not to say anything at first. But now I am wondering how long is too long to not say anything?

Princess- Yeah I dont like how he threw it back in my face, which pissed me off. But then I think, God am I really bringing it up too much? As noted above, it was actually after the holidays, so unless he knows how much I love that season and waiting all year to do it then, I cant figure why he didnt yet. So yeah, if the holidays pass and still nothing, there is a problem.

Starset- we bought it together. picked diamond, and designed with my input. While he didn't protest it, it was a long time coming getting to that point obviously since it was after over 6 years of dating.

Purfect- I get what you are saying....and definitely makes sense. I would hate to think i forced him into it, but who knows.

If it helps in your thoughts...4 of the 7 years we have been dating were in high school, so I am only in my earlier 20's. So the first half of our relationship I cant say I was hounding him about marriage because we were in high school. But now we are done with school and live together.

Thank you again for your feedback, keep it coming.

 

[meresal]

nm

Bottom line, if he was ready, he would have done it by now. He's not ready.

Most guys are "wired" differently, yes. But what that usually means, is that when they want something bad enough, they want it right away.

When you say "out of school"... do you mean high school or college?

 

[WaitingandWaiting]

Date: 11/10/2009 4:34:36 PM
Author: meresal
nm


Bottom line, if he was ready, he would have done it by now. He's not ready.


Most guys are 'wired' differently, yes. But what that usually means, is that when they want something bad enough, they want it right away.


When you say 'out of school'... do you mean high school or college?

See thats what i get frustrated at. I feel like so many guys do it right away, and cant wait to do it, so then what is going on with him? But then again, I have read COUNTLESS threads similar to mine with girls in heartbreak over the wait, and also think "well i'm not the only one". I mean, there wouldnt be an LIW if girls werent waiting? So i go back and forth on how severe I think this is.

(Out of college now)

 

[meresal]

I don't like that he is holding it over your head, but maybe he is just frustrated with you bringing it up? I can understand the wanting to do it on his own thing, and not wanting to feel pressured, especially by you bringing up other couples.

You are still pretty young, and I don't see any cause to run just yet. I would just try not to bring it up, and he will do it when he is ready.

Trust me, there is NOTHING healthy about getting married before you are ready. Marriage is not something that you want to rush into. It is very exciting, but jsut keep telling yourself that you have your whole life to be married. Enjoy dating a little bit longer and just be happy. I can attest to the fact that making the guys feel like you are upset with them, will not make it happen any longer.

My DH, said that when he proposed he was the happiest he had ever been, and there were times that he was not happy with my about bringing it up. So just keep things in perspective

 

[winelover23]

Date: 11/10/2009 4:52:26 PM
Author: WaitingandWaiting

Date: 11/10/2009 4:34:36 PM
Author: meresal
nm


Bottom line, if he was ready, he would have done it by now. He''s not ready.


Most guys are ''wired'' differently, yes. But what that usually means, is that when they want something bad enough, they want it right away.


When you say ''out of school''... do you mean high school or college?

See thats what i get frustrated at. I feel like so many guys do it right away, and cant wait to do it, so then what is going on with him? But then again, I have read COUNTLESS threads similar to mine with girls in heartbreak over the wait, and also think ''well i''m not the only one''. I mean, there wouldnt be an LIW if girls werent waiting? So i go back and forth on how severe I think this is.

(Out of college now)

I''m getting antsy and BF has now only had the ring 13 days. Yes I''m counting. So I can only imagine your frustration but I think Meresal has some good insight in that you are young and you shouldn''t rush a good thing ya know? I got married young because I just wanted to be married so bad and I ended up getting divorced when I turned 30. I''m by no means saying you''ll get divorced but everything tends to happen as it should happen. Hang here with the rest of us LIW''s and we''ll try to help you pass the time

 

[caribari]

I agree that a year seems like an awfully long time to wait for a ring that has already been purchased. I''m the sort of person who gets so excited about giving xmas presents that most of my friends get theirs around December 4th So his behavior does seem a little weird. On the other hand, maybe he is trying to save some element of surprise?

Judging from how upset you seem to be I think it''s probably past time to have a conversation. Don''t be passive aggressive (a la talking about your friend who got engaged in six months). Be clear, calm and direct and ask him what''s going on. Then listen. Maybe he honestly doesn''t realize how distressed you are. Or maybe it''s something else... at least you''ll know. Good luck

 

[swingirl]

It sounds like you are quite young. You really can't count your high school years as part of the relationship. No one should be thinking marriage seriously in high school. I am guessing your man just isn't quite ready to take the plunge and possibly felt pressured into getting the ring in the first place hoping it would keep you quiet if you knew marriage was inevitable.

I wouldn't want to pressure a man in his early 20's into an engagement or marriage. However, if you want to get him thinking seriously about the future consider moving out on your own. Young people can really grow from living independently and become better partners in marriage.

 

[zoebartlett]

Guys definitely seem to have their own timeline for these type of things. I don''t get it. The only thing I can think of is something that others have suggested: maybe he''s waiting for the holidays to propose. To propose almost a whole year after getting the ring is a LONG time to wait though. I''d give him until after the holidays and then I''d sit your boyfriend down and have a serious talk about what he''s planning and whether he truly sees you in his future. Normally I''d suggest waiting and letting him plan his proposal in his own time (like what NF and her mom said). But this is bordering on not being right, especially after the comment your boyfriend made.

 

[nkarma]

I only skimmed through the replies. They are very similar to the ones I got when I wrote my "i am sick of waiting vent" I think some of these girls are wrong in that 7 or whatever years is long enough and you should just end a perfectly great relationship. Maybe have a timeline in your head by when you are willing to leave should he not want to marry you.

Your guy may be like my guy in that we started dating kind of young and both of us wanted to get established and mature to the point that we won''t change as much as we did thru and after college.

I think honesty is the best policy and I agree you should just have a discussion with him what his timeline is. You aren''t asking him to do it right then but he might not know how you feel if you haven''t said it directly or he might be thinking something completely different than you. Talks with the bf usually made me feel better for a while, but the only thing that made it actually better was the proposal itself....I am sorry to say.

Only you know if he is a great guy and if his intentions are good. I did doubt them rarely (cause why hadn''t he proposed yet
?), but I know you know deep down whats going to happen so try to hone in on that. If you click on my profile name and look at my overcooked post, there are some great ideas there on how to take your mind off it (spend more time with each other, more time with friends, etc...)

 

[mochamamasita]

Why don''t you just ask him if the reason why he hasn''t given you the ring yet is because he''s waiting for a specific date to give it to you? If he says that he’s waiting for a specific date, then you could ask him for some sort of a timeframe.

(I asked my boyfriend why he hasn''t proposed yet and he said that he hasn''t done it yet because he has a specific date when he wants to propose that is prior to next March and that he isn''t going to propose any earlier than the specific date he''s chosen. I tried to ask if the date he picked is a "special day/holiday" or a "random day". He said that he is going to propose on a "special random day" lol. Go figure...)

 

[IceExplorer]

I''m not a lady nor am I in waiting... but my SO is...

Am I allowed to offer a different perspective?

 

[ms.halo]

Ok, now that I know your age I change my position. It''s still worth a heart-to-heart because nine months is a really long time to hold on to something and throwing it back in your face is not ok. But be patient. He may actually not be ready and I think that''s ok if you''re both in your early 20s.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Date: 11/10/2009 6:14:17 PM
Author: IceExplorer
I''m not a lady nor am I in waiting... but my SO is...


Am I allowed to offer a different perspective?

Yes! By all means, put a guy''s opinion in here! I think we all pay a little more attention when guys wander over to the LIW board and reply to our topics.

Waiting, I think you should try to come up with a timeline yourself, and if he doesn''t propose by then, come right out and say that you aren''t going to wait forever and that you need an idea of what is going on. Maybe he is going to do it for the holidays, and that would be great, but I think you''ll feel better if you set yourself a target so you aren''t waiting indefinitely. There''s been some pretty good advice in this thread, at least in my opinion.

 

[IceExplorer]

W&W - apologies but I''ll answer because Xmyfingers interjected...


I understand your anxiety!
SERIOUSLY - you should BE WORRIED AND WONDERING!!

I have to explain something from a perspective I don''t quite understand...YOURS...

So let me tell you mine:

Remember when you told me:
-The best proposal was on the the first snow fall that your childhood friend Sally told you about
-It was so cute in the rain, when John told Jen he loved her and gave her a ring
-Kathy got proposed to under the mistletoe with a full moon and perfectly manicured grass in bare feet...


All of you women want us to provide you with THE BEST PROPOSAL...E V E R!!!

It''s not necessarily "YOU" - However - "YOU" are all worth our efforts! It''s not easy for us to make it PERFECT - Please be patient!!!

Sorry if we don''t do it in YOUR time frame but THERE IS AAAAAA LLLLL OOOO TTTT OF Pressure here!!!!!!!!!

In your situation you''ve been very patient.
I would like to express that he is probably BURSTING at his seams to ask you but...he wants it to be perfect - FOR YOU.

 

[littlemissmango]

COMPLETE ditto on elledizzy, ms. halo, and purrfectpear.

True, you guys are young (but not unreasonably young, by any means). However, if HE feels too young or not ready for marriage, then designing and purchasing that ring together should NEVER have happened in the first place, and it is entirely inappropriate for him to have blatantly put off the proposal this long (I say blatantly because it would be different if he had purchased the ring without your knowing it, or if he were unaware that you knew about it) without any explanation to deter your anxiety. If he is waiting for the holidays and has been planning some elaborate, "perfect" proposal for you (as our male perspective pointed out), then, knowing that his plans would be nearly a year off, he should have made it VERY clear that you would be waiting for it for some time, after the purchase. There has been a severe lack of healthy communication here, and it''s time to get real.

Best of luck!

 

[TooPatient]

Maybe he''s waiting for Valentines Day?

If he got it after the holidays last year, maybe it was a good time to buy (it was on a sale?, he had some money saved up and wanted to make sure you got a nice ring?, etc?) but it hasn''t been the right time to give it to you yet.

There is still Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, Valentines, and any days that are special to the two of you.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/11/2009 12:50:45 PM
Author: TooPatient
Maybe he''s waiting for Valentines Day?

And that PERFECT moment is TOTES worth his future fiance UNRAVELING for three *more* months. So much so that he won''t even discuss her feelings? Will just threaten her with super suave lines like "you make me not want to do it". You Make Me. Blame. Shame. Mind games.

Read your own "handle". TooPatient. Ya. That.