What's up with Friday weddings?

[monarch64]

I think that it's all about what is important to you and what you can make work for your life. For me, being a nurse, ANY day for a wedding could be a problem. I work every 3rd weekend and two Fridays a month. If I am scheduled to work, I have to find someone to switch with me and probably work another Friday/weekend day in return for them. If it is important to me, I make it work. I don't think anyone should take it personally if someone can't attend their wedding, regardless of the day it is on.

I agree. Having worked off and on in retail for most of my career, it has been a total PITA to take off work on weekends, period, for me. Saturdays are typically the HARDEST day to get time off for, because they're the busiest and most requested. Not everyone works a M-F, 9-5 work week.

 

[Haven]

I think that it's all about what is important to you and what you can make work for your life. For me, being a nurse, ANY day for a wedding could be a problem. I work every 3rd weekend and two Fridays a month. If I am scheduled to work, I have to find someone to switch with me and probably work another Friday/weekend day in return for them. If it is important to me, I make it work. I don't think anyone should take it personally if someone can't attend their wedding, regardless of the day it is on.

I agree. Having worked off and on in retail for most of my career, it has been a total PITA to take off work on weekends, period, for me. Saturdays are typically the HARDEST day to get time off for, because they're the busiest and most requested. Not everyone works a M-F, 9-5 work week.

This is so true. DH works Monday through Saturday, and this is the first in eight years that I don't teach on Saturday mornings.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I have only been invited to one Friday wedding. I took the afternoon off and attended.

To be honest, I am not big on weekday weddings - even if I take off early, I am usually completely exhausted by Friday and just want to go home and sleep. Totally would not be in the mood to dress up and go out and sit through a whole night.

I do feel for your SIL - 70% decline is really high - I would only expect that for a super expensive destination wedding. We only had maybe 5 out of 240 friends/cowrokers decline. We had under 10 guests of our parents that we didn't know decline. So I am really shocked at a 70% decline rate and I don't blame her for feeling that way.

 

[Cehrabehra]

With the exception of holiday weekends, I do not like Friday or Sunday weddings because I think it is inconsiderate to make people have to take a day off work to travel to or from a wedding. It's enough to have to travel and pay for a room overnight or for the weekend, but having to take a day off work is too much to ask anyone other than the bridal party who would have to be there Friday night for the rehearsal, in my opinion.

I don't agree with this... I mean I do but I don't. I agree that its more inconvenient but I do not agree that it is inconsiderate. No one HAS to go, there is no "making" people take a day off. I think the couple should absolutely 100% do what *they WANT to do for their wedding and that everyone else should decide if they want to go or not go without being made to feel guilty for not attending.

My cousin was getting married on my anniversary in a location where I had no one to watch my children and there was no way for me to NOT have my children. They suggested someone I did not know, but due to some behavior issues at that time with my middle child, I was uncomfortable with that. They tried to cause a thing in the family saying how unreasonable I was and I put it flatly - "I won't complain that my children are not allowed at your wedding and you won't complain that I am unable to go - deal?" they begrudgingly agreed to leave it at that and years later when THEY had children I brought it up and asked her if she'd be comfortable leaving them with someone she didn't know in a town she was unfamiliar with and she agreed with me.

Okay so this is off track a bit, but my point is the same - we all need to make choices for ourselves and I think it's horrible to say the bride and groom are "inconsiderate" for when they choose to celebrate their love, their wedding. But if you can't go, there shouldn't be any hard feelings there either. If you want to go so badly enough, you will make it happen. It's not on the wedding couple to own that one - however I call total BS on them making anyone feel bad or feigning surprise that its ill attended.

 

[Allison D.]

MissStepcut--I agree with you, but as you say, there are shades of grey. I have friends for whom I would happily take an afternoon off to attend their Friday afternoon wedding, but for whom I would NOT take a week to head out to Italy to attend their wedding.
On the other hand, I would go anywhere my sister wanted me to go to attend her wedding, no matter the day or location.
I don't feel guilty about that, and I don't think you should, either.

I really don't see how an invitation to a wedding, ANY wedding, can be construed as an inconvenience, or worse, as rude. You are not required to attend. You are not required to send a gift if you don't feel compelled to do so. A note is always nice, but certainly a gift isn't necessary if it's for a couple you truly aren't close enough to want to send a gift. I know people have a lot of misconceptions about etiquette and what's proper, but certainly the proper thing to do is to respond as you wish! Attend, or don't. Send an elaborate gift, or don't. These are all choices, and ones that any guest is free to make. .

I couldn't agree with this whole post more - perfectly summed up in my honest opinion.

I opted for a Sunday afternoon wedding because my wedding was only CLOSE relatives and friends, all of whom were more than happy to attend on that day (and most of whom were local, too). If I had extended invitations beyond that close group, I wouldn't have expected to be thought of as rude. I extend an invite, and you can choose to come or not. If you do, great; if you don't, no problem....I understand.

Wholly agree with Haven on this, too - if I'm close enough to someone, I'll make time to go regardless of when it is. If not, then I won't. I've taken off time and travelled completely cross-country to attend the birthday party for my friend's 1-year-old son. He'll never remember, but she will....and it meant a lot to her. She means the world to me, so I went. Wouldn't do it for everyone, but she was well worth the effort.

 

[gem_anemone]

I just scheduled our wedding ceremony for 5:30 on a Friday with a reception immediately following at a different location 15 minutes away. We wanted to have both at the same venue, but we could not work it out that way. We have a lot of friends and family and could not afford to invite them all if we did it on a Saturday. Most of our guest list will be people in town or within an hour drive.

If our guests can't make the ceremony we hope they can get off work in time for the reception. I would not be upset if they can't make it because of travelling issues. I hope they would not be upset that I didn't schedule my wedding at their convenience when I am the one paying for it. If they feel that strongly then by all means they are welcome to chip in on the 1000s of extra dollars it would cost to cover a Saturday wedding

 

[MAC-W]

We are going to have a Friday 1500 wedding, and we decided on that for many reasons.

We were stymied by the restricted dates available at the venue plus very close friends' availabilities (if we didn't have a Friday we couldn't have got married until August, and we wanted March). We're only 32 for the actual ceremony, and have already checked that they are all happy and able to attend/take time off if it's relevant. Many of our friends (including all but one of the friends attending the actual ceremony) are freelance and work more at the weekend than in the week, so it's actually more convenient for them, as they don't get paid holiday pay for taking a day off work as salaried people do. The venue is the same price whether we booked for the Friday or Saturday. The reception starts at 1900 in a place maximum 1 1/2 hours away from everyone invited, so that should be fine for attendance too.

I feel almost anything goes as long as it's thoroughly thought-through; we thought everything through to the point of over-agonising. The blanket opinions here about it always being rude, inconsiderate and a PITA rub me up the wrong way.

Totally agree.

we had a friday wedding, and like you considered many options.

We got married on 3rd January in Scotland.

1-Jan & 2-Jan are public holidays in Scotland and in that particular year it meant that 3-Jan was a Friday. Most people wouldnt go to back to work on just for a friday, but would wait to go back to work on the monday.

because we were getting married in Scotland, none of my Aussie rellies were willing to travel over regardless of the day, so really all we had were hubbys scottish family plus friends (the furthest of whom were a 1.5 hour flight away).

the ceremony itself was at 2pm and was for only 32 people (immediate family of hubs plus very very close friends). Evening reception started at 6pm for 250 people so those few that wanted to go to work could.

We put a lot of thought into the options we had and finally decided an 8 month delay to our wedding to accomodate the "friday objectors" was unacceptable to us personnaly. As it turned out because of we picked 3-Jan all but one of the "friday objectors" turned up anyway, so it worked well for us.








Would I ever not go to someone else wedding because it was on a friday? Absolutely! If it wasnt convenient for me, I would send my regrets and my best wishes for a great day.

But I would do the same regardless of which day of the week it was (even a saturday) if that particular date wasnt convenient for me

 

[jstarfireb]

The problem I have with Friday weddings, particularly ones that start before the work day ends, is that not everyone CAN take a day off for it. If I could take a day off, I would, but it's not a matter of choice for me. I'm not in a line of work that allows personal days, sick days, vacation that isn't pre-scheduled at the beginning of the year, etc. If there's any amount of travel involved, a Friday or weekday wedding is not a possibility for me to attend, and that would really make me sad if it's someone I'm close to. That said, I do understand why it's sometimes necessary to have a Friday wedding. It's a trade-off, though. Some people are bound to be disappointed and unable to attend, but Saturday weddings are so much more expensive than any other day. Still, I wonder why people don't just have a Sunday wedding instead. I think there's a big distinction between a Friday wedding and a Sunday wedding. For me, Sunday weddings are infinitely more doable, especially if the wedding is in the morning or afternoon. This is why we made sure ours would end by 6 PM on a Sunday. Our guests came from across the country and were able to get home in time for work the next day.

Oh, you guys want to hear about an inconvenience? We had a Chinese wedding in addition to my American wedding, but in Chinatown NYC, weddings are traditionally done on Sunday or Monday nights, about 6-10 PM. This is because 99% of the guests are local and can attend any day, and these are the slowest nights for business at the restaurants where the weddings are held. Imagine going to a Monday night wedding!

 

[chemgirl]

The problem I have with Friday weddings, particularly ones that start before the work day ends, is that not everyone CAN take a day off for it. If I could take a day off, I would, but it's not a matter of choice for me. I'm not in a line of work that allows personal days, sick days, vacation that isn't pre-scheduled at the beginning of the year, etc. If there's any amount of travel involved, a Friday or weekday wedding is not a possibility for me to attend, and that would really make me sad if it's someone I'm close to. That said, I do understand why it's sometimes necessary to have a Friday wedding. It's a trade-off, though. Some people are bound to be disappointed and unable to attend, but Saturday weddings are so much more expensive than any other day. Still, I wonder why people don't just have a Sunday wedding instead. I think there's a big distinction between a Friday wedding and a Sunday wedding. For me, Sunday weddings are infinitely more doable, especially if the wedding is in the morning or afternoon. This is why we made sure ours would end by 6 PM on a Sunday. Our guests came from across the country and were able to get home in time for work the next day.

Oh, you guys want to hear about an inconvenience? We had a Chinese wedding in addition to my American wedding, but in Chinatown NYC, weddings are traditionally done on Sunday or Monday nights, about 6-10 PM. This is because 99% of the guests are local and can attend any day, and these are the slowest nights for business at the restaurants where the weddings are held. Imagine going to a Monday night wedding!

Yes, this was exactly my point. I can't take time off on Friday and most of the guests can't. The bride is upset and thinks it means we don't care enough to come. She grew up with DH so she has been talking to him about it. I feel bad, but I absolutely can't take a day off to attend. In reality, most people have used or booked their vacation days by November and she sent out the STDs late so people didn't know to save a vacation day.

I really think Friday weddings are fine if the couple lower their expectations regarding attendance. You can't expect people to take days off work for your wedding, and people shouldn't expect you to schedule your wedding to convenience them. A couple can get married wherever and whenever they want, however they need to have reasonable expectations of their guests.

 

[partgypsy]

This is not about Friday weddings, but about inconvenient weddings. We have a friend who lived in our town (NC) who moved to NYC. When he said he was getting married we said we would be happy to come. We assumed he would have it somewhere in the city . Instead it was on the border between upstate New York and Vermont, in an area with no close airports or really any convenient transportation (unless you drove). We considered taking the train to the city and then a renting a car but including the fact the place where the wedding was being held was not inexpensive, and we would have to be there at least 2 days due to the schedule, it was too time consuming and expensive. Maybe it was a beautiful place, but for people he knew in NYC it was out of the way, and for people in his home town Really out of the way.
Anyways we were disappointed we couldn't go, as was he.

 

[Amys Bling]

I have to say I am shocked about the 70% decline. We had a friday night wedding (6:30 ceremony) and invited 180 people. We had 160. So 20 declines- but 4 live across the country with little kids, 5 were elderly (like in the mid 90s and one was 101, ans the other declinees were In the air force and on a mission in Iraq (2), another 2 lived in NC (4 total including the dates- and we live in NYC area).

So I feel like those can want to attend and can will. Could there be other reasons for the 70% decline? Maybe there is more to it than just the day and time... travel, age, other plans, just plain not wanting to go???

 

[pregcurious]

I agree with Jewel Freak. I got married on a Sunday to get the reception venue I wanted, and wasn't offended if people couldn't come, (but they came). Some of my friends did not come because it was several weeks after graduation, and they were already home at that point. I think this case is a little different because I think Friday is more difficult than Sunday.

I think it's understandable for any bride to be disappointed if people cannot come to her wedding, regardless of the day. I don't think it's fair to be angry at people though. In this case, it's not as if people are avoiding going to her wedding on purpose.

I once had a 2 weddings scheduled on the same day, but one was in the Midwest, and the the other was on the West Coast. I went to the reception of one (the day before), and the wedding of the other one. I consider both brides good friends. I am saying this because I do think there is an element of if someone really cares, they will make a big effort to show up. There are a lot of sides to this issue.

 

[chemgirl]

I have to say I am shocked about the 70% decline. We had a friday night wedding (6:30 ceremony) and invited 180 people. We had 160. So 20 declines- but 4 live across the country with little kids, 5 were elderly (like in the mid 90s and one was 101, ans the other declinees were In the air force and on a mission in Iraq (2), another 2 lived in NC (4 total including the dates- and we live in NYC area).

So I feel like those can want to attend and can will. Could there be other reasons for the 70% decline? Maybe there is more to it than just the day and time... travel, age, other plans, just plain not wanting to go???

I think the issue here is the time of year. She didn't announce the wedding until after summer holidays. At that point, most people had booked all of their vacation time. Many of the guests would have to drive about 3 hours for the wedding so they would have to take a day off of work. Several of the guests are teachers and simply can't take time off for a wedding period. I just started a new job and am still in my probationary period so no vacation time for me.

They even had to change to a smaller venue because they didn't make minimum numbers for their original location.

 

[kenny]

Just say you can't go because you gotta work.

 

[missy]

I agree that if someone is important enough in your life you make the effort and try to attend their wedding. However it really is not that cut and dry. The problem is, feelings will be hurt no matter what one might say about if it is right or not for them to feel hurt- they will. I totally understand the need for some to have Friday or Sunday weddings and of course that is their prerogative to do so. Just as it is their guests prerogative not to attend.

Unfortunately though these kind of things bring to light the importance one couple has to another and that is precisely what can be hurtful. The couple getting married might not be as progressive and generous thinking as many PSers who say they totally understand when someone cannot attend their wedding because it is inconvenient. But, in reality, if many declined because of (insert any reason here) the day, time etc,and you were the one getting married it might sting a bit and show you how important you were in the scheme of things to the other people.

When we were planning our wedding I wanted to marry on the month and day of our anniversary of our first date which happened to fall on a Friday. My dh refused as he did not want a Friday night wedding as many of our guests would be attending from out of state-which was only about an hour and a half away-but still inconvenient. Plus, he felt Saturday night weddings were just more festive and so we got married on Saturday night (the day after the anniversary of our first date). We had almost 100% accept rate which was nice because we only invited about 90 people as we wanted an intimate wedding with only our closest family and friends. Would they all have attended if it had been Friday night? Maybe, but maybe not. Would I have cared? Not sure since I didn't experience that situation so it is difficult to say with certainty. But I am guessing if people couldn't/didn't want to/ attend on a Friday night I probably would have been disappointed as I would have felt we were not important enough to them for them to want to share in our happiness. Would that have been a reasonable feeling to have? Maybe not but still one cannot always control the way one feels KWIM?

So, summing up, (sorry I do have a tendency to go on and on ) of course one has the right to have their wedding whenever they want to and of course there are great reasons to have it on a Friday/Sunday/ insert whatever day here/ and of course your guests have the right to attend or not attend but there will be hurt feelings when people decline for whatever reason. There just will be hurt feelings. No matter if it is rationale (in your mind) or not. So it is easy to say one does not have the right to be upset if people decline for the fact it is on a Friday/Sunday/etc but that doesn't mean people won't be feeling that way when others cannot make it to your very important day. I notice most of the people here who said the couple shouldn't be upset had most of their guests accept to their wedding...

 

[jstarfireb]

Just say you can't go because you gotta work.

True, but it ends up disappointing everyone, no matter what the excuse is. I always want to go to weddings when I get invited, especially if they're close friends. And in chemgirl's situation, the couple are obviously disappointed. The point is that if the couple are going to be disappointed by guests being unable to show up on a Friday, they should plan a Saturday wedding to give their guests the best chance of being able to make it.

 

[kenny]

Just say you can't go because you gotta work.

True, but it ends up disappointing everyone, no matter what the excuse is.

So.

Excuse?
You don't need an excuse; you have a reason.

Disappointment?
They disappointed me by marrying on a workday, and not including a day's pay with the invitation.
How rude an narcissistic of them to expect the world to stop for them.
Low attendance is not my problem.

When they chose a workday they knew some would not attend.
That's on them.

Don't be a doormat.
Or be a polite and nice doormat, then come here to complain behind their backs.
Your choice.
Better yet, make friend with people who are not spoiled brats with entitlement issues.

 

[jstarfireb]

Poor choice of words on my part...I wrote excuse but really meant reason. What I mean is...if I really want to attend a wedding and I can't because of work, it disappoints not only the couple but also me. I can be a doormat or not, but either way it boils down to not being able to attend a wedding I really wanted to attend.

 

[kenny]

Poor choice of words on my part...I wrote excuse but really meant reason. What I mean is...if I really want to attend a wedding and I can't because of work, it disappoints not only the couple but also me. I can be a doormat or not, but either way it boils down to not being able to attend a wedding I really wanted to attend.

I understand.
My post was not really directed at you, but on a couple who would do this.

 

[chemgirl]

Just say you can't go because you gotta work.

True, but it ends up disappointing everyone, no matter what the excuse is.

So.

Excuse?
You don't need an excuse; you have a reason.

Disappointment?
They disappointed me by marrying on a workday, and not including a day's pay with the invitation.
How rude an narcissistic of them to expect the world to stop for them.
Low attendance is not my problem.

When they chose a workday they knew some would not attend.
That's on them.

Don't be a doormat.
Or be a polite and nice doormat, then come here to complain behind their backs.
Your choice.
Better yet, make friend with people who are not spoiled brats with entitlement issues.

Thanks for pointing out the distinction between an excuse and a reason. It actually makes me feel a bit better about missing the wedding. Everyone talks about excuses, which to me means that they think I could really go if I cared enough to try. The only way I can miss a day of work during my probationary period is due to illness. I'm not comfortable with lying to my employers. I feel that I have a very good reason to miss the wedding. I'm not making excuses to cover up some hidden agenda. I can't go without jeopardizing my job .

SIL's boyfriend can't go because he's in the military and he's at a training camp this month. He obviously can't go. He's not making excuses, he has a reason.

Thanks for pointing out the difference Kenny!

 

[Haven]

These threads are always so interesting to me because they illustrate just how varied different pockets of society really are.

For example:
- We're Jewish, and most Jewish weddings happen on a Sunday (at least in our community) because a Saturday wedding can't begin until after sundown. This means nobody is offended or put-off by Sunday weddings, because of course, they are the norm.
- On a smaller scale, my dad's family loves a party and they typically will do whatever it takes to attend your celebration, even if it means flying in from out of state when they have no cash at all. On the other hand, DH's family loves a reason to complain, so they'll find fault with something regardless of what you choose to do, but they'll show up and be big frownypants during the entire event, regardless.

After all my time on PS, I still find myself wondering why occasions that *should* be joyous (weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, birthday parties, etc.) seem to bring out so many negative responses in people. There are so many threads about how such-and-such is rude, or so-and-so is a total you-know-what because she did x-y-z related to this-or-that event. I'm not saying I'm above these same negative reactions, I'm just saying that it strikes me as being strange and silly that these events elicit such reactions.
At this point, I feel like you will never be able to please everyone, so you might as well be sure to please yourself.

I've been to three funerals in the past two months (one for an 19-year-old student, one for a 54-year-old colleague, and one for an 81-year-old family member), and there was a point during every service where I thought "I have no idea how much time I'm going to get, here. I need to make it all count."

I'm done finding fault with the people I love for the choices they make. I'm done putting my professional life before my personal life. My third cousin is getting married in Tahiti and I really want to go? Schedule the subs for a week, please! My FIL want to go to Vegas for his 70th birthday? Done. Cousin Phyllis can b*tch and moan about being left out on her own, the man wants to go to Vegas and he's 70, damnit, I'm taking him.

Life is short. Go to the wedding. Or don't.
Whatever you do, be happy with your choices, and accepting of the ones your loved ones make for themselves.

 

[jstarfireb]

Poor choice of words on my part...I wrote excuse but really meant reason. What I mean is...if I really want to attend a wedding and I can't because of work, it disappoints not only the couple but also me. I can be a doormat or not, but either way it boils down to not being able to attend a wedding I really wanted to attend.

I understand.
My post was not really directed at you, but on a couple who would do this.

Gotcha. Thanks for the clarification!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Haven - I love what you wrote!

 

[bobbin]

We were married on a Friday. We really wanted to get married on our anniversary and didn't want to wait until that rolled around on a Saturday. We were also toying with the idea of having an immediate family and bridal party only ceremony. We ended up inviting 70 guests, but honestly we did not care if the majority of those guests decided only to come to the reception. In fact we included a card that said that we understood it may be difficult to take time off of work, particularly a week before Christmas, and if they were not able to make it to the ceremony we would love to see them at the evening reception.

I think 95% of the people we invited came to both the ceremony and reception.

 

[rosetta]

You can't please everyone, so might as well please yourself.

But then again, your guests may please themselves by not attending, for whatever reason, on whichever day you pick.

I say fair enough.

I wanted as many people to attend as possible so I picked a Saturday in July (which happened to be the day I met my husband 2 years ago). It worked. If I'd picked a Tuesday, I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist if fewer guests attended. Hey, what do you expect, it's a Tuesday!